Eastcoast's Trip

[[Be...]]

Annie,  it's good you got your RN license again.  I'll never come to terms with my previous traumatic experience because it has wrecked my brain and CNS and done permanent damage to all the nerve cells in my body.  It's not like someone who was abused by someone which doesn't usually leave severe PHYSICAL cellular damage, like it did me.  Then taking and getting off these benzo's put the last nail in the coffin for me.  My nerves are completely shot now.  It was like a double whammy.  Drug OD and floxed at 14 years old and then the damage done to me by the benzo's.  I'm screwed and my life is over.  I try to not think about it anymore and know I won't heal from all this nerve damage.

[[ea...]]

Beck, I truly am sorry. But I do think you are giving up way too easily. I am not sure what you mean by having nerve damage from the abuse of some sort. Did you have a serious brain injury? That possibly cold cause some bad damage, or if your neck was broken.

In all truth, you sound a LOT like I did 7 years ago. On benzos, ADs and many other drugs. I was weak and frail and could hardly walk. I used a walker. That last awful year I was seriously  considering giving up and moving into nursing home. Dead serious, Beck. That is exactly how I felt and thought back then. I had NO ideas that ALL of my misery was being caused by the drugs.. It came as a HUGE shock when I started to heal, to feel alive again, to feel good again and to NOT be depressed, ill, frail, weak, depressed, anxious any more. Getting off benzos proved to be the most positive I ever did. And that might well be true for you too. Please do not give up so easily. At the very least, get off benzos and allow yourself to heal and see where you are then. Once you are done with benzos and given yourself at least 2 years to heal. Only then weill you know the truth about how benzos affected YOU.

 

If you would prefer to PM me about your abuse history, feel free to. zYou know that Blogs are open to any member to view. PMs are NOT.

annie

[[ea...]]

I am sitting here without AC, as it broke. It started to break on Friday. The realtor called an AC guy but he couldn't make it here. My AC worked again but now it is broken. It may have froze up so I just turned it off and got all my fans running. Thank GO this is a bearably cool day. A high of 79, which is pretty cool for Florida this time of year. I watered my garden, did errands, cleaned my bathroom, and did a bunch of other mundane things. Tomorrow its back to work.

 

I truly am proud that I got my license back. I worked so hard to become an RN! Benzo brain made me put it on retired status. LOL! But here I am today, about $450 poorer but damn it, I am an RN again. Now, what I do with it, I don't know yet. Time will tell on that one.

 

God almighty I hate Florida. This is the most ignorant state! A close tie with Arkansas and Alabama, but I think MORE backwards than those states. Who wants to live in heat and humidity all year? I sure don't. Sorry, I needed to rant a bit.

 

My gardenia bushes are blooming and the fragrance is heavenly. My night bloom jasmine finished blooming so I cut it back today. It is very happy where I planted it and has grown like crazy. But most of my garden is impatiens, because its a mostly shade garden.

 

Some thoughts about psych drugs including benzos. I STILL cannot believe, cannot grasp - how badly those drugs affected me over the years. They are sneaky drugs and they lie to you. You think you cant live without them, as I did. I was sure I could not sleep without my nightly benzos. But - over time, my overall health began to go downhill. I did not associate this decline with my drugs, as I was never told this could happen. Well, now I do. Benzos and ADs almost killed this little old lady. When I started to heal I was amazed that my old depression just-- disappeared. I no longer had severe anxiety. My physical health improved greatly too. My only couple medical issues are my right leg which doesn't bend well, essential hypertension, early COPD, and a high H&H due to smoking. Hopefully my labs will be a bit better next month since I only smoke one cig a day now.

 

To anyone reading this, no matter how awful you feel today, once you get off benzos and heal, the same thing could happen for you too. I am living proof of this.

[[Sa...]]

Great to hear from you, east.

 

I would love to have Gardenia bushes!  I love shade Impatiens and shade gardens (I’m sure your garden in beautiful).  We have sun loving Crepe Myrtles. 

 

Sorry about your AC.  Windy and warm, here today. 

 

I love being reminded you healed after a CT!!

 

SaraSue 

[[ea...]]

My garden is a lot of work. And the truly weird thing is that it improved how this three unit apartment building looks. Did my landlady appreciate this? Nope. She just keeps raising my rent "because it was an improved apartment." Total BS. They put in a new kitchen when I moved in, using the cheapest cabinets, fixtures possible. This apartment had not even been cleaned the day I moved in. This building has ben poorly maintained for years as they consider it "low rent." I am starting to really think about ditching this awful place. I just have to find the time to start looking for another place to live. Vero's rents are high. But there may be some income/age reduced rent nearby. I wish I could LEAVE Florida! I really do not like it here. But that would take more money than I have.

And I am willing to bet that my nasty landlady will deduct a lot of money from my deposits, based on several issues. The very garden I created may turn out to be a huge hindrance, as if I do move, I will have to get rid of about 15 pots of flowering plants. In the six years I have lived here, many things have broken, mostly due to the cheap crap they used, but Yvonne will blame me, of course. God almighty she is an unpleasant woman to deal with.

[[Be...]]

Annie, I haven't given up.  My body and brain are giving up on me.  I truly don't want to be sick.  I did get permanent nerve damage from OD'ing on a drug when I was 14 years old.  Haven't been the same since then.  Was diagnosed with a Panic Disorder and Depersonalization disorder a few years after that.  It was from the brain and nerve damage from the drug I OD'd on.  I have been off these rotten benzo's now for about 6.5 years and keep getting worse each day.  I'm in hell. 

[[bl...]]

Take your losses and move if that’s what you want to do ? Why stay on happy ?

[[...]]

Found your blog! Haven’t read your story ( too long for benzo brain ) lol

 

Wanted to say thanks for replying ❣️

[[ea...]]

Hi friends!

Good to hear from you all.

Blue, moving to a new town would cost about $3000. I don't have that. Because I    quit working in 2006, thanks to benzos and post bankruptcy, I have NO savings in the bank. Social Security only  Gives me $2000 a month. I can barely live on that now and have to work to earn money. I made a lot of mistakes while on benzos. IF I found a really better place to live, I would have to get a loan to move. NOT ideal, huh? But I could do this. Good heavens I will turn 70 next March.

Mom2, read the first 2 pages of my SS. It details the horror I went through. The rest of my SS is my persona diary, and I try to write on it every could days. I took a long break from BB after I started to heal. I just couldn't deal with all the pain and hurt here.

Bear is curled up next to my laptop, and wants to be petted. He is such a happy cat and a very domineering one at that. Bear wants what he wants: NOW.

I simply cannot get this puter to work right tonight. I will write my friend Laurie again and beg for help.

Annie and Bear

[[ea...]]

I cleaned a new house today. Owner lives there with her hubby, a grown daughter and grown son and two dogs. OMG, within 10 minutes I knew I had a monster to deal with. They had used one cleaning company for years and it became obvious that they did NOT do a good job at all. Never moved appliances on counters to clean beneath and behind them. They obviously used some nasty old strong mop as the tile floors are very dark in the indentations it has. I call these dirt lines. When all you do is swish dirty water around, the dirt settles into those indentations. The dust was so thick I quickly went through 6 Swiffer dusters, an all time record. I certainly earned my money today! And it was a decent amount. $120 for 6 hours but I actually worked seven. I do not like to leave a job not quite done. I emailed the owner and hope to hear back from her soon.

My gastric bypass stomach is acting odd today. I had the BIG surgery, an RNY, open stomach surgery. They don't do them much now, its all other, safer procedures. My pouch never stretched from one to three ounces, for some reason. That is why I lost so much weight and so quickly and now have to fight to gain weight or maintain my weight. I would guess my pouch is now maybe 2 ounces. In order to gain weight or even maintain weight, I have to eat very often and high calorie stuff. Not a supposedly healthy diet, but I do feel good, so do not worry about that. My labs are decent except for my H&H, due to smoking.

Florida is now heading directly into horrible summer. The past three days were nice, with highs of 81 but that will end by the end of this week. Oh how I dread it. I start sweating within half a minute after going outside.

Bear loves our new morning routine. I sort of watch the Today Show, all the while playing with Bear, using a fishing pole toy. He is delightful to watch, as he is not a graceful cat. He is too big to be graceful and he tends to be a bit clumsy, but boy does he jump well! I like it when I can get him running in circles. LOL! I try to wear him out a bit, so I can do the things I need to do to start my day.

Watching a bit of the daily news, I am only reminded of why I stopped watching TV at all 6 years ago. I listen to the Today Show because they do not focus on the horrible stuff. But even so, the state of affairs in the world is simply awful now. Abd that is all I will say since politics are a no no on this forum.

Tomorrow I clean Homers house. I truly like Homer. He is 92 and still takes care of everything around the house, as his wife has serious dementia. But he also knows he cannot do it all and thus I was hired. I like the wife too, its plain she used to be quite a knock out, and still attempts to put makeup on. I find her charming in some odd way, but I always did like working with dementia patients. They require a different approach, and having a sense of humor helps a lot.

I will tell you all about one very special patient I had. I was the evening Supervisor in a nursing home. I helped the staff in all sorts of ways, including doing almost all of the many, tedious and time consuming Admissions. But I also tried to always spend some time with difficult patients, and that was mostly dementia patients. The floor staff does not have the time to do this. One of those patients was a lady I will call "Judy", after Judy Garland. She had advanced Alzheimers, and could still walk quite well, which was dangerous for her. Staff tended to stick her in a "Geri Chair" which is also considered a restraint and restraints are a big no no. Almost every evening, I got Judy out of her geri chair and walked with her around the building. I quickly found out she LOVED top sing, and could sing astoundingly well. She only knew the first couple of words of those songs and they were mostly love songs from the forties or ballads. She sang like a bird, and we walked with me holding her hand and we BOTH sang. I formed a picture over many months of her being a former    music professional, perhaps singing solo in bars? She was darn good, and she was also delightful in other quirky ways. She seldom had visitors, but finally, one evening several  guests showed up to see her. I spoke with them and told them how much I loved her singing and our walks, while singing. I asked "Did she sing professionally at some point?" The family looked completely surprised by this. One of them said, "No she did not sing professionally or have any history of being musical." I told them what I had seen over those many months, and they were amazed. Judy was just an ordinary housewife, living in New Jersey and had NO training in singing or music at all!

Judy taught me so much about the human brain and the mysteries of it. Because of Judy, I read almost ALL of Oliver Sacks wonderful books on the injured brain. "The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat" was one of them. He talks in simple terms and with humor, trying to explain the    weird and wonderful things about all of our brains.

I highly recommend his books if you want to be reassured about YOUR sort of brain "damage." I hate using that term, because our sort of brain damage is, I do believe, temporary.

Love to all of you. Keep on going and never give up.

 

[[ea...]]

Cleaned H's house today. He is 92 and still very active. But he cannot do stuff like floor mopping or bathroom cleaning. His wife has dementia, and he has to help her with all activities of daily living (nurse talk for stuff like bathing). Everything went fine today, but he tends to drop coffee grounds all over the place, and coffee grounds are truly hard to get no matter what method you use. He is such a good man, his wife is lucky to have him. They sit out in their family room and watch TV, but he always falls asleep in his recliner, while wife carries on conversations with herself. LOL! I am sure H IS tired.

 

[[ea...]]

Long day. I cleaned the addictions psych docs condo. He is worried about money and wants to cut my hours back to 3. Okay, I will, but do not expect a perfect job. Hope he understands that. He is putting in a brand new kitchen. I saw the paperwork on his desk, he has already put down over $9,ooo to the company putting it in. That was just a down payment. Total cost will be about $25,ooo. Good lord, if he can afford that, he can afford another $20 for my cleaning services.

Oh well. I have been in similar situations and hopefully I wont lose him entirely. I like him! I like his little white poodle mix dog who is so much like Bear in his devotion to his owner. Bear is currently curled up next to my laptop, purring and wanting to be petted. This am, he woke me by butting his head against mine, purring very loudly. When I did not get up, he gently nibbled my head with his big teeth. All the while purring loudly. How can you NOT love a cat like this? He is SO happy to have a steady home, and love. He makes that very obvious.

Tomorrow I clean the townhouse of a couple who have one cat, nd that cat is morbidly obese. I kitty sat him several times and watching him struggle to go up the stairs was....truly sad. They bought a house, so this is  move out cleaning. Easy but only three hours.

[[Be...]]

It is sad to see obese cats or dogs.  The owners should do something about it.  I consider it animal abuse if they are feeding them food that makes them fat and just changing their diet could fix it.

[Guest [NM...]]

Saying hi to you, Annie! Staying off the rest of this board for my sanity’s sake!!!

[[ea...]]

Bump, for a new friend!

Be back soon.

[[ea...]]

Hi NM! I understand your thinking on that. I have to do that too.

Beck, I sort of agree with you. But we humans can fall into weird ways of thinking about our pets. The people who own Oscar (IF a cat can be owned!) truly love him. Its his human Mom who did this to him, and from what she has told me,  she fell for the cats whining about needing more food than was necessary. The cats history was, it seems, somehow tragic, and he became a cat who demanded more food than was good for him. She fell for this. My Bear cold easily be like that and I have to watch to make sure he doesn't eat too much. He tends to being a bit chubby. Hopefully he will stay like that. These people truly do love him, and their errors were done out of love AND misinformation about cat psychology, guess.

Cats truly are bit mysterious at times. I think I know them better than most, and in fact, several customers call me a "Cat Whisperer." I know I read cats better than most people. That started in my 50's, not when I was younger.

How are you doing, Beck???

[[Be...]]

I've had cats all my life and I believe that the right kind of food for the cat will help them lose weight.  I'm doing terribly.  I post it all on my blog, all my complaining.  I have a CNS in high gear all the time and it won't calm down.  It's hell.

[[We...]]

Yeah...let's face the truth.  Cats own us. 

[[ea...]]

I think that smart cats see us as some huge, mutant cat who is also hairless (or sort of, since I do have to shave my chin now! LOL!) I think Bear sees me as his equal, and when he wants something, he certainly can communicate this to me, the Huge Hairless Cat Mother. Oh, and I have no tail (and I don't have a nice butt either. Never did. My family tends to be flat assed.)

Becks, what is the name of your blog? I'd like to drop ion sometime.

Blogs are the right place to whine and complain. There is nothing wrong with that. If you hold all of that stuff, in time it will backfire on you.

Beck, ever since I stopped working as an nurse, thanks to benzo damage, I had to live truly poor. I went to food banks but that wasn't great because of my gastric bypass. I do not tolerate many of the foods food banks give you. I remember being so scared of this, being so poor. I drove the worlds ugliest Hyundai, a total wreck of a car that had a tranny going bad quickly. Even now, I cannot believe that I managed to pack up an entire house and move to an apartment in a new town. Holy moly, that IS amazing, since I was still in major wd. Several years ago I traded in the Hyundai for a 2007 Toyota matrix with very low mileage. I still have it. I got a fair deal from a local Honda dealership. Toyota sale people are very difficult to deal with, as they use the hard sell, lying methods of selling cars. The Honda place was not like that at all. My salesman was a recovering alcoholic and we chatted bout alcohol and benzos for at least 39 minutes. NO hard sell. NONE. The first used car he showed me was my Matrix. It only had 55,000 miles on it. Young for a Toyota. It is a mini SUV and perfect for all my cleaning supplies. I love that car, but am also considering trading it in on something newer, as I aint getting any younger. LOL!

[[ea...]]

I seem to be getting some flack about my stand on tapers. Well, too bad. I stand by what I currently know and feel about this. IF I saw that long tapers seemed to help people, I would support them. But I do NOT see this, on BB and several other benzo forums.

I have this weird feeling (and not proven!) that some long taper people kinda enjoy the drama of feeling bad. If I had ever noticed that taper people had an easier time of it, I would support tapers ALL THE WAY. But that has not happened. Ever.

What I do know is that getting off benzos will be the best thing you ever did. And if you WANT to prolong the misery, taper as slowly as possibly.

And when you are finally off benzos, life the life you want to and never trust a drug again.

PHOOEY ON THIS!

[[Be...]]

Annie, my blog is on the Faith Forum, by subscription.  It's called Beck's Thread.  I do try to keep all my complaining on there and I do have alot of complaining and whining to do since my life is too overwhelming each day since I'm so sick now. 

[[We...]]

Well said.  I don't see the advantage in super looooonnng tapers that last years.  Even Colin, the originator thought it was absurd, or counterproductive.  I've been looked down on too for going 'fast' (three months) and I'm doing tons better and have far surpassed those doing the slow tapers when I first arrived.  And I was a frigging mess while still on them, even the low doses.  Healing was happening as I reduced, but only really began happening once I was OFF.  I know cold turkey is dangerous, but that doesn't mean going to the other extreme is good either.

 

LOL with the previous post    Though no LOL about the food banks.  That must have been scary.  I am in awe, as always, about your strength and tenacity.  And always inspired. 

 

I was there when I divorced the lawyer...buying clothes and household stuff at Goodwill and driving a car held together by duct tape and chewing gum living on macaroni and cheese...four for a buck!  We get through it all though, somehow.  We're always a lot tougher than we give ourselves credit for!!!

 

Good luck with your car trade in!  Bet you can sweet talk them into a sweet deal!

[Guest [NM...]]

  Well, having cold turkeyed off Xanax in 2001 when my nephew stole them, I never wanted to experience that again. But even then i thought I was safe taking benzos because I legit thought i had a brain disorder causing panic attacks. I only knew back then that i was told not to quit “suddenly.” That’s why I chose a more “Ashton style” taper when I decided to quit these drugs.  It’s been only nearly intolerable at times during my bouts of depression. I’ve learned so much throughout my taper that I’m not sure I’d have learned otherwise.

 

  I personally get irritated at the awfully long tapers-years to get off such small amounts. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I think by and large people are just basically scared of what they’re feeling. Of what they will experience. Then there are people who do want to be sick or helpless or want attention. Sad as it is, those people exist.

[[ea...]]

Welchie, you m Aade me laugh out loud for real. A car held together by duct tape indeed. My ancient Hyundai was exactly like that. It was a wreck of a car, but it did work long enough to take me to the grocery store or food bank. I finally trashed in several years ago, and bought another used car, but a decent Toyota. Love that car, and it still only has 66,000 miles on it. Young for a Toyota.

Oh heavens, NM! Your nephew stole your Xanax? OMG. How awful. I used to have a roommate who did similar things. She was (and still is) a pill head. But she had very good qualities otherwise and was the person who forced me to allow 911 to cart me off to the hospital more than once. I refused to go, being in some hazy, dazy benzo fog. I KNEW I had broken my leg but the idea of going to the ER again just flattened me.

This all happened before I went CT I was considering moving into a nursing home, I was so devastated by benzos. SO glad I did not do that, as it all turned out to be benzos.

Beck, that is the reason why we blog or journal. Do our complaining and whining and fear stuff OFF the open forum. I am very glad you have one and are using it.

 

I got off work at 3:20 and went to Goodyear, dropped off my damn tire. They could NOT find anything wrong with it, so its a mystery. They suggested perhaps someone deliberately let the air out of it...? I have no idea why anyone would want to do that, but guess it is possible. I am having to buy yet another new tire, and will get that done tomorrow at 12 noon. Damn glad I have a Goodyear credit card.

 

I lost a customer yesterday evening. This is a strange story. I have cleaned this womans home for almost 2 years. I always did a bang up good job. I got an email from her saying that her brother took photos of her house, that showed many items NOT in the right place. This did NOT happen, or at least, by me, I have a method of preventing that. In any room I need to put things back after mopping the floor, I leave the light on. Once the floor is dry I return and put things back where I found them. I would love to see those photos, but that wont happen, because she fired me! This lady has money and is going through an ugly divorce. That I sympathize with. But being blamed for whatever her brother found is garbage, and either a total LIE, or perhaps someone DID break into her house. She always leaves a key on her carport, on a window ledge. This is the home where she has a small dog who poos and pees on the floor, and the woman NEVER cleans it up. Gross, huh? Apparently she thinks this is a normal thing to do, leaving this nasty mess for her "cleaning lady." I find that almost disgusting in the logic behind it. Many people do some cleaning up before the cleaning lady gets there. I always tell people not to, but it is human nature, at least for women, to do this. But when it comes to something like dog pee and poo on  floors, I do think the owner needs to do that herself. Yuck. Okay, lost a customer, but one I never thought I would lose. Goes top show you never truly know your customers, huh? One of the things that pisses me off is I did SO much extras for her that she probably never knew I did. I just did them because it felt right to do so.

[Guest [NM...]]

Well crap, Annie! I’m sorry to hear that!!

 

Yeah. We were visiting my Mom in 2001 when we were stationed in England. My nephew came over and my full bottle of Xanax only had about a week’s worth left in it one day. I couldn’t prove he did it, but my mother told me that she’d caught him taking her Percocet once. I thought I’d be cute and slash my dose from 3 mg a day to less than ½ a mg until we got back to England. Oh no. I don’t have words to describe the weird crap I felt until I got an emergency appointment on an Air Force base in Arkansas for enough to get me through until we got back to the UK. That was brutal man. I just really knew nothing about tapering back then. I also read somewhere online that my symptoms were from the sudden cut. 🤦🏻‍♀️ That was traumatizing for quite a while. Oh if I’d only known then what I know now.....