Too depressed

[[Go...]]

I’m too angry and depressed of a person to ever recover. My life has been one depression after another.  My mother tells me I killed my father because of my anger, and the way I treated him. My ex wife wants me out of my kids lives, whom I’ve barely seen in three years. I’ve always been scared to ask a woman out.  
These things don’t happen to other BB members; they have family and friends that want them better in their lives.  

Edited May 13 by [Go...]

[[kn...]]

I’ve long since outlived any sense of true support or patience on the part of my wife and grown children. My wife’s idea of support means that I must confide in her exclusively. I’ve made everyone in the family angry when I’ve opted out of trips because I just can’t sit in the car or ride in an airplane for hours on end. She, my wife, routinely goes through my phone to check and interrogate me if I’ve communicated with anyone but her. And heaven have mercy if there’s even a hint about contact with another female. You think you’re on a rant or angry, don’t even get me started. I’m stabbing the face of my phone as I pound this out. If your sobriety house is all men. See if you can find a support group that has some women in it. Even if you only share dependency, it’s a starting point. In general, women are much better listeners and hugely more compassionate than most men. See if you can connect with one or two and just see if they’d have coffee somewhere with you. It needn’t cost an arm  and a leg. Don’t even worry about the whole date thing. Just shave, shower, put on some clean clothes and show up. My own anxiety is all about fight or flight. Flight works sometimes, but if I get depressed and hunker down, I get so angry I tend to find an outlet for all that hostility. Yesterday, I pulled into a parking lot where the only handicapped space was occupied by a guy in a brand new Range Rover with his windows down, listening to music while he sat next to his ‘trophy’ partner, happily oblivious to what he was doing. I parked next to him, hung my handicapped placard on the mirror,  and against my wife’s remonstrations,  climbed out out and staggered over to check for a handicapped license plate. Finding none, I glared at both of them, held my palms up in a sign of unbelief and then calmly climbed back in our own car. The whole thing completely set My wife off of course, it was worth it to me. Healthy, wealthy and entitled people drive me nuts. And for this entire unwanted and unexpected taper thing that has run my life off a cliff for the last three years, all I can say is thanks for the rant!  Your life is not over and you are not a worthless person. Just try to create a new one, life that is, one that accommodates you as you are right now. And be careful with the whole anger things. People out there are even more unbalanced than we are. They’re considered normal??? But most of them have guns on hand and are quick to brandish them. Of course, it’s their God given American right!!???  What the……?

Edited May 9 by [kn...]

[[or...]]

2 hours ago, [[G...] said:

I’m too angry and depressed of a person to ever recover. I’m not normal and never have been. My life has been one depression after another.  My mother tells me I killed my father because of my anger, and the way I treated him. My ex wife wants me out of my kids lives, whom I’ve barely seen in three years. I hate my body and I’ve always been scared to ask a woman out.   I’m broke, living in a sober living house.
These things don’t happen to other BB members; they have family and friends that want them better in their lives.  

My story is very similar to your Gonzo, and I am telling you I started losing my depression that I had since I was a little girl.  I'll write more, but I'm just 1 year into my taper, and somewhere around 4 month mark I realized my depression was gone for the first time I can remember, in my whole 71 years.

I have an appt, but what I have to share may help you some, I hope, oregonlady

[[Go...]]

8 hours ago, [[o...] said:

My story is very similar to your Gonzo, and I am telling you I started losing my depression that I had since I was a little girl.  I'll write more, but I'm just 1 year into my taper, and somewhere around 4 month mark I realized my depression was gone for the first time I can remember, in my whole 71 years.

I have an appt, but what I have to share may help you some, I hope, oregonlady

Yes @[or...] please do.  I hope you are doing well!

[[Kr...]]

Is it depression or anhedonia? How can a person tell the difference or are they intertwined?

It sucks nit feeling sexual, too. Not attracted to women or men. Nothing. Just the thought of being sexual makes me cringe. Never was like this.

[[Kr...]]

11 hours ago, [[G...] said:

These things don’t happen to other BB members; they have family and friends that want them better in their lives

And success stories often say people wouldn’t have made it without their spouse, kids, family. 
it makes a single person going through this alone feel doomed.

[[or...]]

10 hours ago, [[G...] said:

Yes @[or...] please do.  I hope you are doing well!

Sorry I didn't get back to you yesterday Gonzo, but I'm up at 4 this a.m. with my puppy so I'll try to tell you about my experience with depression.  I'll put in your OP so I cover what you talked about:

21 hours ago, [[G...] said:

I’m too angry and depressed of a person to ever recover. I’m not normal and never have been. My life has been one depression after another.  My mother tells me I killed my father because of my anger, and the way I treated him. My ex wife wants me out of my kids lives, whom I’ve barely seen in three years. I hate my body and I’ve always been scared to ask a woman out.   I’m broke, living in a sober living house.
These things don’t happen to other BB members; they have family and friends that want them better in their lives.  

First of all, I believe you will recover.  You just need a shot of hope right now.  I need that shot often, and hope I keep coming here to get it from others that know what the heck I'm talking about   Feeling different than everyone else on the planet is how I feel most of the time, and it's true. We are different, unique, each one of us but here on BB is where I found the commonalities I have with others. 

I'm learning to do my best to be glad for the good differences, but look for what we have in common here.  We just are not alone in this.  You will keep meeting folks with similar experiences, and you're not glad they went through it or are still going through it, but thank goodness someone gets what I'm talking about.

I know it's very hard not to take on other's "issues" like your mom's.  Sort of like all of us could stand another class in "minding our own business" and staying out of others.  Every single day I will react to someone else's words, or their actions. 

I think this time on your own could be a real healing time Gonzo, it was for me.  I also was homeless for a time, but found a shelter right off, in 2010.  At the time, I sure didn't "feel" like this was going to be a good thing.  I did a CT during that time and won't try that again, but I learned, and survived. I also just knew everyone in that shelter was crazy, but didn't see how messed up I was.  I had to learn to focus on myself, and what I could change about myself.  Others "stuff" was not my business.

What I'm thinking right now, and remember I've had some brain-damage but I'm doing so much better since I got to BB.  But back to what I was thinking and that is "what should motivate" me today?  I think it has to be me, and my health.  If I don't get my health back, what do I have left?  I'm not saying our hearts won't ache at times, and wish things could be different right now, but I think that must be why they call it "the journey". I guess it's about learning to really love ourselves first (maybe again, or for the very first time) so we can love and accept others, wherever they are in their own trip.

You are with friends here, and I have to remind myself of that too.  Peers are my human-salvation, hearing their stories, sharing mine, and even though we aren't in-person with others here, we just know someone will relate to right where we are.  So we are not alone.  That's a big lie we have to let go of every day, until we no longer fall for it's bs. 

I never knew how much I could cope with (survive from), until I learned I was way stronger than I knew.  You will get that, heck, maybe you are seeing it today, that ray of hope that keeps us going, oregonlady

PS just come here and talk, like you did in your post, and try to take in what you need, and leave the rest.  I find even the stuff I don't want to hear or pay attention to can help me later on, so it's all good "so to speak". By the way, I have no one but me right now, family and friends just don't get it.  But in a good way it is helping me to focus only on my own healing.  This is my support group, and I try to be here every day, because helping others with our own experience is the best medicine I've found, Denise

Edited May 10 by [or...]