The Xanax Club, Let Us Know How You Are Feeling Today

[[ba...]]

Julia I am so sorry

 

This is a very difficult loss to grieve, I am sure it is full of conflicting emotions. Anger, grief, wanting to help your sister.

 

Even when someone was not the person we wanted them to be, and even when they caused harm to others, it does not make the loss any easier. His life was just as valuable in terms of your bond with him had he been a better person in a better place.

 

His drug use certainly is a mitigating factor, but many people get into illicit drugs to mask other issues. I am sure your family did all they could for him.

 

I think it would help if you and your sister could lean on each other, if you have that kind of relationship. Even though you don't have children, you still have the trauma and pain and journey of grief your sister is dealing with. It's more about venting, listening and loving than it is about being a parent yourself.

 

Your grief will be all over the place, just let it come. There are no bad feelings, if you get really angry, it's not an ethical or character issue, its valid and common. Anger is part of the spectrum of what you will go through. We wouldn't have this emotion if we didn't need it. Your a master at accepting awful feelings, so you can do this. When you need support, get it. A survivor support group would probably help for all of you.

 

 

This would be a great time for you to start a blog on this site. I use mine to note wd crap so I can monitor progress or decline, write poetry, and vent.  Progress Logs

 

Loves to you.

 

We are here for you

 

 

[[ba...]]

I was only on Xanax for 5 months. 1mg.

I will be off two years next month.

I have had some windows where I am doing better and overall more functional but otherwise, I'm still really struggling. I feel so psychotic at times and just out of my mind. I keep trying to move forward but it is getting so discouraging the further out this goes. Hope everyone else is hanging in there!

 

 

Warrior. you are not alone at all in a long recovery. Here are the boards where you can find support:

 

Post-withdrawal Recovery Support

 

Cold Turkey, Detox & Rapid Withdrawal

 

Protracted Benzodiazepine Withdrawal Symptoms

 

IT WILL HAPPEN.

 

In my experience, when in a really bad long term wave, it starts to ease off slowly. So slow, I don't even notice. Then I go back through my notes and blog and realized things are getting better. Not as intense, periods of functionality. I can have a tolerable day (had my first of those a week ago,) and the next day I had a complete blow out. Yet, the body and brain are slowly coming back. Not as many panic attacks, less DP/DR, periods of minimal anxiety where I can run to the gym or call people.

[[to...]]

Julia,  I am so sorry for your loss.  It is important to know that if your nephew was abusing drugs        his brain chemistry was altered,I am sure that is what led to some of his adverse behavior.  Please try to remember who he was prior to this.

 

You have done so well not to have updosed during these difficult times.  I know the feeling of needles you describe when feeling stressed, please know you have support here.  My heart is broken for you and your family.

 

Hugs..

Hi Seasalt,

Thank you so much for your support.  I am trying to just remember who he was before the drugs took over.  He was such a kind hearted and sweet man.  He has 3 children ages 5,3 and 2.  They will be forever affected.

I am trying  to stay strong. 

Hugs,

Julia

[[to...]]

Julia I am so sorry

 

This is a very difficult loss to grieve, I am sure it is full of conflicting emotions. Anger, grief, wanting to help your sister.

 

Even when someone was not the person we wanted them to be, and even when they caused harm to others, it does not make the loss any easier. His life was just as valuable in terms of your bond with him had he been a better person in a better place.

 

His drug use certainly is a mitigating factor, but many people get into illicit drugs to mask other issues. I am sure your family did all they could for him.

 

I think it would help if you and your sister could lean on each other, if you have that kind of relationship. Even though you don't have children, you still have the trauma and pain and journey of grief your sister is dealing with. It's more about venting, listening and loving than it is about being a parent yourself.

 

Your grief will be all over the place, just let it come. There are no bad feelings, if you get really angry, it's not an ethical or character issue, its valid and common. Anger is part of the spectrum of what you will go through. We wouldn't have this emotion if we didn't need it. Your a master at accepting awful feelings, so you can do this. When you need support, get it. A survivor support group would probably help for all of you.

 

 

This would be a great time for you to start a blog on this site. I use mine to note wd crap so I can monitor progress or decline, write poetry, and vent.  Progress Logs

 

Loves to you.

 

We are here for you

Baddove, Thanks for your response.  I appreciate your kind words.  My sister and I am very close and always have been.  I just got off the phone talking to her and my brother in law.  We cried alot and laughed some about past memories when their son was younger.  It is going to be difficult like you say, our emotions are all over the place.  I agree that we need to feel what we feel.  That is part of the process. 

My nephew, was like my child since he was born.  I spent alot of time with him when he was younger and then when he was an adult.  I will remember the good times we had and treasure them.

 

Thank you for your support and understanding.  I am blessed to have found BB and the wonderful people here that do not judge.  I will get through this and I am going to do all I can to help my family.

 

I like the idea of the blog.  I think I will do that.

 

Thanks and Love and hugs to you!

Julia

[[ba...]]

Thinking of you Julia :smitten:

[[to...]]

Thinking of you Julia :smitten:

 

Hi Baddove,  Thank you so much.  Sorry it took me so long to respond.  It has been a rough time for us.  I am hanging in there and I am getting better.  Thank goodness physically I am better and I am going to wait another week and try another cut. 

  Love and hugs to you and I hope you are doing well considering what you are going through.

Julia  :smitten:

[[se...]]

Julia, how are you doing?  Are things better?

[[ba...]]

On the advice of those wiser than I, I am starting to cut again. I do a very small cut of 16Mg's per time. I accept that reducing the drug hurts, and don't care anymore, I am going small and not in a rush. Doing OK with it after an initial rough start. I anticipate my next cut will again be rough to start with. Have made 2 cuts about a week apart, so not adapted yet. It's going to be OK.

 

 

[[to...]]

Julia, how are you doing?  Are things better?

Hi Seasalt,

Yes things are better.  Thanks for checking in on me.  I am still dealing with my nephew' death but I know that will take time as I will be grieving for a long time.  I am better than I was when I first found out about it.

My other issues with dizziness and headaches are getting better.  I can move around now without having to go in slow motion but I do get times when I find myself having to stop and sit down for a while.  It is better than it was which I am grateful for.  I am hoping that next Sunday a week from now, I will be able to do another cut.  We will see how I feel by then.  Hopefully even better than I am now.

How are you doing?  Have you made another cut?

Take care.

Hugs,

Julia

[[to...]]

On the advice of those wiser than I, I am starting to cut again. I do a very small cut of 16Mg's per time. I accept that reducing the drug hurts, and don't care anymore, I am going small and not in a rush. Doing OK with it after an initial rough start. I anticipate my next cut will again be rough to start with. Have made 2 cuts about a week apart, so not adapted yet. It's going to be OK.

 

Hi Baddove, I know this is hard for you but I know things will get better.  This is the freaking hardest thing I have ever had to do.  Xanax is evil and has the ability to do so many things to us.  I believe we are strong enough to beat it and will.  January 11 th will make 2 years since I started my taper and I am at .6875 mg now and I believe that 2021 will be my year to get off this drug and continue to heal.  I really thought I would be done  tapering by now but it was not up to me, it was up to my brain and body as to what they could take and how much healing they could do.

I started feeling better from the high dose I was on within a couple weeks so I am hoping you have the same experience once you get down some.

We are here and support you and I try to stay positive even when I know things can get rough.  Progress is what I strive for.

 

You have a good attitude and I know you will be ok too. 

 

Keep us posted.

 

Hugs,

Julia 

[[se...]]

You both hang in there, better days are coming.

[[se...]]

Baddove,

 

What if you tried 1 percent per week?  Wait and see if you can tolerate it and cut again or hold.  I completely understand you want to move forward, we all do, but sometimes holding brings a brief pause to the suffering.  Please know we are here and will cheer you on all the way.  Hugs

[[ba...]]

Thanks Seasalt. I value your input. 

 

At such a large dose (now 8.5 )A cut of .16 is a micro. (2%) I am going to give the recent cut of .5 (2) weeks (I am 3 days into that dose.) Then will hit the .16, probably weekly like you suggested. I will be my own experiment. I will really have to listen to my body as I proceed, it will tell me what is workable. I also have to accept that a wave is inevitable. They are going to happen. They always do. And, that I will still have really bad days when nothing works, also my experience through this process.

 

My adviser's urged me to take the plunge and cut out .5 to prove I could do it. I started with 2.5, then cut .16 in 3 days, another .16 3 days later. It was good advice-jump in at a higher cut that scares you to prove you can do it. Now I have to chill out and let this settle. I am cutting 1 dose at a time, not all 3. I start with my last dose, and go backwards with subsequent cuts.

 

I am having different sxs, but I actually feel better in some ways. I have 2 hour long hell fests at times, but that is better than the horrible panic attacks I was getting.

 

When I get down much lower, I will reduce the cut. And, when I am really down there, I will microtaper in the .01 numbers I see buddies use.

 

I still believe in low and slow, but that initial cut that scared me proved I could handle it. From here I'm pretty sure I will go with 2%, hopefully I can do it weekly, but if my body needs more time, that's fine. And I may go to 1% per your suggestion if it feels like too much.

 

I am still scared, but that's OK. This is a scary thing to do.

 

 

 

[[ba...]]

 

Both of you inspire me with all you have achieved tapering.

 

[[se...]]

You are very courageous, I am praying for you!!  Keep us posted on your progress..

[[Lo...]]

Hello All! (I'm posting this twice only because It's been a long time since I've posted and I'm not sure where the best place is right now)

 

It's been quite a while since I've been on this site.  I purposely took a break in order to regroup.  As you can see by my signature, it's been a very, very, long journey!  I haven't had a chance to go through this thread to see how all are doing but I will do so over the next few days.

 

As you can see by my signature, I took a long break holding at 1 mg.  When I did the updose and hold, I had no intention of holding as long as I did but here we are.  It took a solid month or two to stabilize (for as stable as we get during this process) but once I did, I knew that I had made the right decision.  I had become literally bed and/or sofa bound and finally thought to myself, "Enough is enough!"  In hindsight, I think God was looking out for me.  I was able to have a nice Christmas last year, followed by a bout of the flu  which I didn't stress over, spent some wonderful quality time with my son, sent him back off to his final semester at NYU, and then all hell broke loose in the world!  By early March my son was home after coming from what was then our nations hot spot, two weeks spent in his room, final college semester done online, virtual graduation, and the rest is history.  But through all of this, I was able to function better than I have in over two years.  I lost a dear friend to a sudden heart attack at only 51 years old on Labor Day while we were all at the beach and handled it.  My Uncle passed away from Covid several months ago and was ablt to handle that as well.  Another heart surgery for my mom, bad marriage, being couped up together for 10 months, .... the list goes on.  I Handled it! 

 

So here I am, after that long hold, ready to tackle this last milligram!

 

I'll share with you a few things I've learned during my hold with the hope that they might help others who are struggling:

 

1)  That "listen to your body" phrase is REAL!  I was going way to fast and didn't realize it.  I truly believe that slowing down gave my CNS a chance to catch up.  Don't beat yourself up!

 

2) Someone else's pace is not yours!  I think we look on here, become friendly with people, see their signatures and progress and beat ourselves up if we are lagging behind. Please don't do this!  I've seen people who have appeared to "rock" a taper only to be slammed for 2 years because they went to fast.  I've also seen people who do a relatively quick taper, have a few bumps, but end up doing extremely well!  And then there are those who have had a horrible taper only to feel fantastic within a few months after they jump.  There truly is no "one size fits all" .... stick with the pace that is right for you!

 

3)    Knowledge is empowering, support is appreciated, but ignorance at times would have been BLISS!

Taking a break from 24/7 benzo EVERYTHING (we already have to weigh pills, following a dosing schedule, deal with side effects, etc) was a blessing!  Sometimes you just need to get out of your own head and step away for a bit.  Finding this site provided knowledge (since not many doctors had none), and the initial support I received was reassuring but spending hours upon hours here seeing negative stories and genuine suffering did NOT help my cause.  If I didn't have a symptom yet, I lived in fear of getting it!  Don't get me wrong, my heart breaks for every single person in this group who is going through this process.  It's not what we signed up for and I WAS one of those bedbound 24/7 symptoms people.  I have great empathy for all who are suffering.  However, sometimes we need to back away from the "misery loves company" mindset in order to regroup.  That's what I did.  I was one of those people who scoured every post following every symptom possible.  It was exhausting, scary and left me feeling defeated and often hopeless.  I think it's important to be informed but too much information can be damaging.

 

4) Get your body moving if you can!  I did NOT do this for two years.  To be honest, I felt too sick!  However, I paid dearly for it with muscle atrophy, weakness, terrible muscle pain, .... the list goes on!  Benzo's have affected my entire body!  For the first year of the taper I went from a healthy 102 lbs (I'm only 5' 2" and very petite) to a scary 89 lbs!  I honestly thought I had cancer!  I was eating like crazy but could not put on a pound!  I had too many test to count to try to find out what was wrong - so far, nothing is!  Then, after 6 months of holding, I gained 20 pounds!  Here I am, for the first time in my life, trying to lose weight!    Unreal!  But several weeks ago I started riding a stationary bike.  I was terrified at first!  I didn't think I'd last more than 5 minutes. Low an behold I did 20.  I got right back at it the next day and did it again, the following week was 30 minutes.  I alternate 30 and 45 minutes each day and I can't begin to tell you how much it's helped.  I still can't lift any type of weights or do upper body excersises because my muscles are far too tight.  I pay dearly for days if I try.  But once again, stick with what works... with what your body can handle, and don't beat yourself up if you can only do a little!

 

5)  Identify your triggers or what exacerbates your symptoms.  This is a big one.  For some reason eating a large meal for me is a disaster.  Within 20 minutes my syptoms rev up and I have to literally take myself to bed!  Hence, I'm now eating very small meals several times per day.

I'm not going to list anymore of my triggers because I don't want to make them yours but know that just changing some behaviors can make a positive difference.

 

I could probably go on for hours, but I need to get things done around the house.  I just started this journey off the 1 milligram of Xanax and to be honest, who knows how this will go!  The only thing that I know right now is that I'm not afraid any longer!  Am I frustrated, annoyed and just plain pissed that I have to keep doing this?  ABSOLUTELY!  I'd love to just thrown this bottle of poision down the drain and never look back.  But, we all know how that goes.  So, here I am, with more clarity of thought than I've had in 4 years, ready to take on this last leg of this pretty shitty ride.  Good times!  LOL!

 

I must add.... this is not all rosey!  I have symptoms every single day.  They never completely let up with the hold.  They simply became less intense.  The muscle stuff is still pretty bad.  But again, at least I had many days when I could function. 

 

Hope all are hanging in there and doing well!  Will check back in and read prior posts soon.  Sending healing hugs to all!

 

Love,

Lori

 

PS: I haven't had a chance to proof this... I'm afraid too!  LOL  Please forgive any (or many) typos.

 

[[to...]]

Lori - so glad you are back.  I have missed you!  I did a longer response to the other post.

 

Love,

Julia 

[[ba...]]

Same. I did a longer post on the other thread.

 

Welcome back!

[[se...]]

Thank you for this Lori, very reassuring.

[[ba...]]

Ugh. Now I get to live up to my proclamation that I will do whatever it takes, and deal with the pain.

 

It hasn't been very long, a week? since I made my last cut. I can't understand my notes right now. What is happening is my last dose is smaller than the 2 previous ones. Planned to work backwards on cutting by .16 (which is just over 5% per cut, and 2 % total dosage.)

 

Since I cut number 3, my 2 earlier slightly larger doses are paradoxing. Started subtle at first, but today has been way too much. It got worse every day. I can't take it anymore.

 

I have to cut all of them to under 284, will be experimenting.

I will be JUST FINE, 

 

 

[[to...]]

Hi Baddove, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. I'm really not sure what to suggest that you try. I know I talked about taking 4 doses a day but you had sad that wasn't an option for you.  I know that my first and last dose of the day are my largest doses and is what I'm doing but not sure how that's going to go as I go down in dose.

 

I find reading post about people's experiences help me and distract me.

 

I wish I knew how to motivate you to do the things that make you feel better.  I am praying for you.

 

Keep us posted on how you are.

 

Love and hugs,

Julia

[[to...]]

Hi everyone, How are you all doing?

 

Baddove - are things any better?  I hope so.

 

Seasalt - I hope you are still doing well with your last cut.

 

Everyone - I am feeling better and am hoping to make a cut on Sunday.  I need to keep going and do not want to stay at this dose indefinitely.  The last cut has been about 2 months now and I think it is time to move on.

 

Hugs,

Julia

[[ba...]]

Hey Julia.

 

My cut is not sufficient for calming me down as much as I would like, but doing the best I can. My pdoc made a big point of getting it into my head that xanax is a tool. it's not a fix. It will never give me what I want. He wants me to get out, exercise, and stop obsessing over medication. He feels activity, whether physical or mental is what will give me relief. There is much truth in that. I am doing it, some days not. Had two "blow outs," during these 11 days where I was bed bound.. I am going out to the gym, whatever, in a higher state of agitation than I like, but if I wait to get better from xanax, I will never leave the house.  11 days into this cut today. I am keeping track of how long, something I have not done well in the past. That usually led to going to long or not long enough. Anyway, my 3ed and last dose is pure torment. I don't understand it. I did try to up it a bit, no help. I have not left the house in 4 days, so I have to go today. I will manage. I have learned that I can do the gym at this uncomfortable level of existence. I would say I am running at an 8 out of 10, and would like that to be a 5. At 5, everything is not so difficult to do.

 

Let us know how your cut goes.  I , too, reach a point when my body says it's time to move on.

 

Thanks for your support and concern. :smitten:

[[to...]]

Hey Julia.

 

My cut is not sufficient for calming me down as much as I would like, but doing the best I can. My pdoc made a big point of getting it into my head that xanax is a tool. it's not a fix. It will never give me what I want. He wants me to get out, exercise, and stop obsessing over medication. He feels activity, whether physical or mental is what will give me relief. There is much truth in that. I am doing it, some days not. Had two "blow outs," during these 11 days where I was bed bound.. I am going out to the gym, whatever, in a higher state of agitation than I like, but if I wait to get better from xanax, I will never leave the house.  11 days into this cut today. I am keeping track of how long, something I have not done well in the past. That usually led to going to long or not long enough. Anyway, my 3ed and last dose is pure torment. I don't understand it. I did try to up it a bit, no help. I have not left the house in 4 days, so I have to go today. I will manage. I have learned that I can do the gym at this uncomfortable level of existence. I would say I am running at an 8 out of 10, and would like that to be a 5. At 5, everything is not so difficult to do.

 

Let us know how your cut goes.  I , too, reach a point when my body says it's time to move on.

 

Thanks for your support and concern. :smitten:

 

Hi Baddove,

I think about you often and feel bad things are so hard on you.  This Xanax is such an evil drug.  For me, the xanax only keeps me from WD and it has been this way for quite some time.  I do not remember exactly how long it has been that it had any real benefit to me other than holding WD at bay.  I agree with your pdoc that exercise or just getting out is beneficial.  I have not left my home in a couple weeks maybe longer.  I just hate to go out due to having such terrible anxiety about riding in a car and my husband does not like me to drive so I just stay home.  This has not been good as I have gained weight and am having issues with my hip and legs.  I have to go tomorrow to the hospital to have an x-ray of my hip and pelvic area.  My leg and hip issues started about 3 months ago.  They are very uncomfortable at night and I have developed random insomnia so I toss and turn alot a few nights a week now so that is not helping either.  I have arthritis in my lower back and in my knees and not moving around like normal makes me stiff too.  I did get on my exercise bike today but need to get back on it as I was not on it very long.  I hate to exercise, always have, so it is not something I enjoy doing but I know it is good for me and something I need to do for many reasons one of which is so I can lose the weight I have gained in the last year.  I did realize today that about the time that I started having issues with my hip and leg, I had bought some new slippers and they have no support so today I started wearing a pair of shoes that have support and I am going to see if that makes a difference  My husband insist I wear slippers in the house all the time so I was wearing the non supportive slippers from the time I got up until I would go to bed at night so they could be the issue.  I will see...

 

I am hoping you can get to the 5 out of 10.  I want so badly for you to get better and feel better.

 

Hang in there and I think you are doing great- it has been 11 days and that's a big deal!!

 

Hugs,

Julia 

[[ba...]]

I think a lot of you, too, Julia. As I posted somewhere else, I think the covid thread, you have been through the ringer.

 

For me, the xanax only keeps me from WD and it has been this way for quite some time.  I do not remember exactly how long it has been that it had any real benefit to me other than holding WD at bay.

 

Absolutely the truth according to my pdoc. And, I trust your experience as well.

 

I have known other people to stay housebound, and within a month or five were much worse not only in regards to wd, but muscle atrophy and tightening. One lady sent me a pic of her feet and it was not good.

 

Cardiac exercise reduces glutamine. And, glutamine is not our friend. This is the best thing we can do for ourselves, if nothing else. Sweat it out, keep the muscles loose. In whatever form or combo of activities is both cardiac as well as stretching.  I still have far to go in this area, but I began at the start of my last cut.

 

Really proud of you for staying with the bike. Don't beat yourself up when you skip it. We have gotten into a very bad habit of being housed bound and inactive. And it's not our fault. It is Covid, and chaos and constant stress financially , and having to completely  abandon life as we knew it. Plus, life stress. You have so many, I must to remind you how deeply I care about your pain. 

 

The past year has been one of dread, hopelessness, stress, isolation, and despair for almost everyone world wide to some extent. 2020 broke us. We are not designed to cope with so much horror, no matter what.

 

I want to do the gym every other day, like I used to, but missed 4 days. So, I went to today with absolutely no interest  or motivation. But, I had to. The best remedy is getting out, and engaging in whatever exercise one is capable of. I still have my yoga to resume, and my mala bead meditation. Motivation remains very low. I am seeing my physical therapist next week, after not going for 6 months, to deal with my own arthritis and weight gain, and rebuilding the muscle I lost.

 

Talking with some wise folks has lead me to understand that most of us are inert from the tremendous upheaval to our lives this past year. It lead many of us to being housebound. That leads to lack of interest in anything. That leads to just existing. 

 

My youngest son is recovering from covid. We have lost 2 friends to it: a 19 year old girl who was the picture of health, and a man in his seventies, also a very healthy and active rancher.

 

We also got hit pretty hard last summer with the fires (Colorado.) I live very high in the mountains, and we were surrounded by 5 fires. The sky was constant ash. Several friends in neighboring communities lost their homes.

 

I could probably come up with more 2020 tragedies, they just kept coming.

 

It is WORK to motivate to do the things that will result in healing. So many of us  are in the housebound completely unmotivated place physically and mentally stage, and we  need to change it. Daily exercise and activity, resuming getting outside when it's weather appropriate. That one is huge. Being in nature is healing.

If we all start somewhere, and commit to it, that's the first step. We need to reclaim what 2020 took from us. Because it robbed us of so much. Time to get it back. The future looks very hopeful. I can't yet FEEL it (I think many of us became emotionally stagnant to survive the last year, I am still there.), but I know it is true.

 

The Better days are already here. We  need to be part of them.