eli's story

[[Bi...]]

Congrats Eli.

 

I signed in here to congratulate you. I read to see who is healed every now and then, and I seen your name.

 

Take care,

 

Billy.

[[tu...]]

Eli:

 

Thanks for the reassurance regarding driving difficulties.  It is such a bizarre symptom and so difficult for someone not going through this to relate to. 

 

Can I ask how many months before it went completely away?

 

Thanks for replying,

TG

[[...]]

Love this story. I think it's important to try to describe the experience for others, rather than just saying you to better. It allows us to see the similarities and eventually know we're on the right track. Thank you for everything Eli.

[[el...]]

Hi L123, WTBNA, Notforme, BillyF, turtlegirl, coop. Thanks for coming by here.

 

Billy, I remember you were the first non-moderator to welcome me to BB after I wrote that first post. So glad to see you are well again.

 

Turtlegirl, the extreme driving difficulties were pretty much gone somewhere around these past holidays – about 27 months. I know that’s a long time, but I had that problem from way back in 1997 from the booze and then the K. For me, it’s pretty much a miracle because I had it for over 15 years. My brain had a lot of healing to do just from the years of alcohol, and then I added 13 years of K. The brain is amazing in its ability to heal – maybe not rapidly but steadily. Last night I was sitting at that traffic light I mentioned in my last post. I just sat there and smiled.

 

Today is 30 months since that last little bit of Klonopin. Hard to believe really. I remember hoping that I would be one of those people who healed in the first 6 to 9 months. I looked up as many of those stories as I could find on BW and printed them. There actually were quite a few. I also remember going to BI and looking for similar stories but there were none. That’s where I was first told that 5 months off is too early to expect to feel well. By the time I got to BB I think I was about a year off and was starting to get a ”glimpse” every now and then that something good was happening in me. This is where I learned that some heal fairly quickly and some slowly. And there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. There is no rushing it. There is no thinking our way through it. There is only accepting it and doing what we can to endure it - knowing that it will end in an indescribably good place.         

 

[[No...]]

 

      Thank you, Eli

        Blessings and prayers for healing to all

    Notforme

[[to...]]

Congratulation Eli on feeling better you and all of us really deserve it after years of pain and suffering,

 

But it goes away thank god who created this awsome body, it repairs itself again, I can see it more now it's been 27 months and I can still remember when I drove last year, I used to lock all doors of the car, God knows why I guess I was terrified of everything

 

Crazy but know I even can drive high ways and far distances now, I even went Scuba diving last week, thing I cannot imagine to even think about during this, I am sure we will all make to the end and get back to our normal selves again,

it's just we are in the stage of repairing every little peice of our CNS, to anable us to go to the other side and stay on it period, and it will happen, and to all those still suffering, I guarantee you all that this will end and you will be calmer than even before you ever took the drugs, it just a waiting game full of ups and down until the ups gets larger and clearer and downs dissapear,

we are all warriors and it pays off eventually,

[[Li...]]

 

Thanks again Eli for your continuing to post more of your experiences. 

 

I find new insights in each post that are helpful.

 

Love,

Lily

[[Pe...]]

Eli,

 

Wow.  Your story is one of the most inspiring, and interesting, ones I have read.  I was shocked (pardon the pun) at your account with ECT 'therapy'- really the entire hospital stay sounded barbaric to me...so frightening- and all so unnecessary in the end.

 

Your story is so important to everyone going through this- but especially for those who are hitting the two year mark and losing hope.

 

People like you have always kept the hope alive, and the encouragement you have given to others has been such a gift.

 

Take care Eli- you are one special person.

[[el...]]

Thanks Notforme,Tommy, Lily, and Perseverance.

 

Tommy, I remember when we were both on BW in the “early days” and in the thick of it. Very hard days. Much better days today.

 

Perseverance, I was writing the minutes for a meeting when I read your post. I chuckled when I saw the word “shocked” relating to my ECT experience. I read it to my wife, and we both had quite a laugh. Those were three incredible weeks. I could write a book about those three weeks of my life. Your comment brought back many, many recollections of that episode in my personal history. But they no longer make me uncomfortable. In all honesty, it is an enormous paradox.

 

While I was in the hospital, my brain was so incredibly ill that I could do almost nothing. My mind was so fogged and I was so imprisoned by derealization that nothing was clear to me at all. Nothing. My memory was completely shot. I couldn’t remember anything from moment to moment. When I got home, that entire experience was one gigantic blur. I knew I was there, and I knew that it was inhumanly painful, but the specifics were completely gone from my recollection except for a few of the extremely scary people I met. For some reason, the more I tried to forget their names, the more easily I remembered them. 

 

For many months after I was off the K, I cringed at the thought of my hospital stay and even the fact that I was in the hospital. I could not mentally face it at all. The only reason for that is that my brain was still very ill. However, eventually the fear and dread faded until it was finally gone. It was replaced by an inquisitive, searching mind – a mind that wanted to know what happened the past two years including the hospital stay. It wanted to extract all that was good about that experience. It worked extremely hard for two years in order to recover. It now wanted to know what that was all about – what good had come of that experience. How was it a benefit? It was kind of like the intense physical training one goes through for a marathon or any other athletic event. Two years of extreme mental healing must surely have an enormous reward in some way.     

 

Therein lies one of the paradoxes. The very things that were completely gone (my strength, cognitive ability, memory, and courage) have returned at a level far superior to what they ever were. Yet, it was the complete loss of those things that was required to gain them back to such a high degree. It is a gargantuan paradox. But it is an excellent paradox.

 

Thank you Perseverance for bringing that back to my mind – and humorously too. I think we gain more insight as we continue to heal. I look forward to the next one.     

 

eli

[[ho...]]

Thank you Eli for your story.  And congratulations on your success. 

 

I would buy your book -- please write it!!

[[ge...]]

I agree, you should write a book! You are such a good writer, and really put yourself into your words, it is very powerful..  Idk what I would do without people like you who confirm that it gets better. 

[[wh...]]

What a great story Eli, thanks for all of your support and may God continue to bless you.

Best Wishes,

CB

[[el...]]

Hi hope56, gettingthere, and whiteoak.

 

If I would combine all the words I’ve written in posts here on BB and on BW plus all the PMs and emails and other things I’ve written, it would probably be enough for a book. In December, I did sit down and write the first page of “my book” only for the purpose of knowing where I want to start and what sort of perspective I want to use. I also have the title. I am certain that, if and when the time comes to write it, I will know.

 

Right now, one of my biggest priorities is to get a group started here in Pennsylvania specifically for those navigating benzo w/d (whether tapering, tolerance w/d, or post-taper w/d). It will be a kind of “safe house” for those enduring this agony – a haven where sufferers can meet and share with others going through it and also be with people who have gotten to the other side.  Maybe even house visits for those who are bound by the dread and fear of the early months. There would also be something for “significant others” so that they could also be encouraged and in turn be encouragers.  I have contacted a few very good sources and have some excellent ideas how it will be started. My main problem at the moment is where to meet. I had hoped to have it at the church I attend, but there are some internal problems there at the moment so I may need to consider some other place. There are dozens to choose from. I believe that will be sorted out by early spring at the latest. As a matter of information, for anyone who reads this who may be in the area, there may be a benzo w/d group here in Central PA very soon.

 

Anyway, I was at an AA meeting last evening, and the subject of discussion was “any lengths.” In the AA Big Book, it says "If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it --- then you are ready to take certain steps ...” The “any lengths” refers to sobriety and the peace and joy that can be part of sobriety. Each person gave a short version of “their story” and the difficulties they endured (or lengths they went to) to make it to a sobriety in which they no longer had any desire to drink - a place of tranquility and serenity.

 

I sat there smiling in my own place of serenity and peace while I listened to my comrades in the room. There are always some extremely heart-wrenching stories, but, without exception, they always have that “happy ending” of indescribable peace and a gratitude that has a depth that cannot be expressed in human words. It’s a peace that says “It was all worth it.” It’s a confident tranquility that has no care or concern about who knows the story of what had to be endured for it to be born – all the bad choices, all the garbage of life, the pain, and the anguish. All of that pales in comparison to the joy – the serenity. It’s as if each one is saying to anyone who will listen (even those whose lives have not been “messy” or turned upside down and inside out), “I have something that you will probably never know, and it’s REAL good.”

 

So, I sat there smiling. One guy talked of alcoholism and spending time in a mental institution and psych meds and that it was all “very, very bad.” I couldn’t help but think that he has also encountered the benzo beast and won.

 

He was smiling….and that made me smile even more.

 

eli

 

[[Ho...]]

Hi hope56, gettingthere, and whiteoak.

 

If I would combine all the words I’ve written in posts here on BB and on BW plus all the PMs and emails and other things I’ve written, it would probably be enough for a book. In December, I did sit down and write the first page of “my book” only for the purpose of knowing where I want to start and what sort of perspective I want to use. I also have the title. I am certain that, if and when the time comes to write it, I will know.

 

Right now, one of my biggest priorities is to get a group started here in Pennsylvania specifically for those navigating benzo w/d (whether tapering, tolerance w/d, or post-taper w/d). It will be a kind of “safe house” for those enduring this agony – a haven where sufferers can meet and share with others going through it and also be with people who have gotten to the other side.  Maybe even house visits for those who are bound by the dread and fear of the early months. There would also be something for “significant others” so that they could also be encouraged and in turn be encouragers.  I have contacted a few very good sources and have some excellent ideas how it will be started. My main problem at the moment is where to meet. I had hoped to have it at the church I attend, but there are some internal problems there at the moment so I may need to consider some other place. There are dozens to choose from. I believe that will be sorted out by early spring at the latest. As a matter of information, for anyone who reads this who may be in the area, there may be a benzo w/d group here in Central PA very soon.

 

Anyway, I was at an AA meeting last evening, and the subject of discussion was “any lengths.” In the AA Big Book, it says "If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it --- then you are ready to take certain steps ...” The “any lengths” refers to sobriety and the peace and joy that can be part of sobriety. Each person gave a short version of “their story” and the difficulties they endured (or lengths they went to) to make it to a sobriety in which they no longer had any desire to drink - a place of tranquility and serenity.

 

I sat there smiling in my own place of serenity and peace while I listened to my comrades in the room. There are always some extremely heart-wrenching stories, but, without exception, they always have that “happy ending” of indescribable peace and a gratitude that has a depth that cannot be expressed in human words. It’s a peace that says “It was all worth it.” It’s a confident tranquility that has no care or concern about who knows the story of what had to be endured for it to be born – all the bad choices, all the garbage of life, the pain, and the anguish. All of that pales in comparison to the joy – the serenity. It’s as if each one is saying to anyone who will listen (even those whose lives have not been “messy” or turned upside down and inside out), “I have something that you will probably never know, and it’s REAL good.”

 

So, I sat there smiling. One guy talked of alcoholism and spending time in a mental institution and psych meds and that it was all “very, very bad.” I couldn’t help but think that he has also encountered the benzo beast and won.

 

He was smiling….and that made me smile even more.

 

eli

 

Oh Eli, what a wonderful thing to read this morning.  Again, I can't express the gratitude that we all have here for your continued support.  And for those of us lucky enough in Central PA, the group you are starting will be so amazingly beneficial.  I love the idea of home visits -- I know when I have gone through this and when I had mono, my "brightest moments" were when a friend randomly showed up at my door with lunch, or dinner, or just to chat.  That really reasonates with the soul.

 

((Hugs)) my friend.  Onward and upward with your good works.

[[ho...]]

Please keep us posted.  I'm in PA - more eastern - but would travel  (probably will still need to have hubby drive me) to attend your group!

[[ma...]]

Thank you so much Eli for your continuing posts & words of hope & support.

Many time -throughout this Benzo pain & scarifying madness - I have thought about a "haven" -

a place just for healing & support - where one can rest in safety & with the company of others who know

what is happening - & the support of those who have made it through.

So here's to you & the starting of a "haven".

Like others, I would be tempeted to move to Pennsylvania to such a place..

We all just want to make it through.

Also like your idea about support for care givers. my hubby has been amazing but its taking its toll

Blessings to you- & any future haven! Keep us posted

 

margaretisabel

[[Ru...]]

Thsnks so much for your encouraging words Eli.  I have a question for you. I have struggled with addiction for years but I'm clean now,  finally. I go to AA meetings for help but people don't understand the length and intensity of b/w. So they think I'm exaggerating or still using. I use to relapse so its kind of my fault but people don't trust me anymore.  The whole situation just makes me more nervous, lonely and even paranoid at times. So my puestion is- did you deal with this? And what would you advise me to do?  Thanks again for your help.

[[el...]]

Thank you for the nice thoughts – Hoosierfans, hope56, margaretisabel and Rupert14.

 

I am still giving a great deal of thought to the group. Once I get a good idea of whether or not I want to have it at the church I attend, I will be closer to opening it. Here is something you all can think about. If such a group were available to you, what would your expectations be? What would be your primary reason for attending? I know what I went through and what I would have liked if a group had been available, but others may have other needs and desires. Also, what would be an optimal length of meeting? Since it is not likely going to be anything similar to a “12-step” meeting (like AA), maybe there would be very flexible hours – perhaps based on the need of the attendees.

 

Rupert 14, I had to go back and look at my experience with AA as I went through benzo w/d. It brings back to my mind quite a few encounters I had with AAers that were very similar to what you are describing. I quit drinking in October 2009, and within two weeks I was deep in the pit of PAWS hell. However, those little yellow pills I took during the last 13 years of my active alcoholism had long before turned on me, and I was also in benzo tolerance w/d (but I had no clue at the time).

 

I was in a bookstore one day with my wife at the beginning and saw a guy from AA – Brad. I explained what was going on with me and how utterly miserable I felt. He didn't particularly have any compassion but was adamant that I must get a sponsor and go to meetings or I would be picking up a drink again. He was very forceful, and he terrified my already sensitive nervous system.

 

That same night I believe, I called one of the AA old timers on my phone list – Don. He just kind of laughed and kept telling me to get to meetings and follow the steps. He was very big on one of the prayers in the Big Book. He kept telling me to “do the next right thing” and I would be OK. He actually had been through PAWS from booze so he understood a bit about the mental pain. He didn't know that 12 steps really doesn't cut it when it comes to benzo tolerance w/d (which I didn't even know I had yet).

 

Somewhere around that time, I did attend a meeting one evening. I met a guy there who was familiar with benzos – but not in a good way. He thought it would be a good idea to up-dose to kill the anxiety and panic. I did. Bad idea. Three weeks in the psych hospital under suicide watch.

 

When I got out of the hospital, I found another sober alcoholic online (Bill) who also knew about benzos. He is the first person who told me that I had to ditch them completely if I was ever to get well. So I started a taper. Throughout my taper I went to only a handful of meetings. I usually sat there having panic attacks for most of the meeting. (Funny how we can have them and no one has a clue we are in mental hell.) After one of the meetings, I talked with a guy who had been sober several years – Allan. As I explained to him what I was going through, I got “that look” - like I was a mentally ill addict who craved drugs. No help there.

   

As I trudged through the muck of w/d after jumping, I went to a few more meetings. I met a young guy (Chad) who knew all about psych meds and benzos. He knew that getting off them was tough. He wasn't much help because he couldn't stay sober. After one of the meetings at the same place, I spoke to another old timer (Albert) about benzo w/d. That “look” again and the standard “meetings, sponsor, 12-step” line. He had no inkling of what benzo w/d was. I went there to get my 1-year chip and didn't attend another AA meeting for over two years. I just started back to meetings a few months ago. I know there are many individuals in there who are addicted to benzos and need help. 

 

The atmosphere or dogma at most AA meetings is to stick to discussions relating to only alcohol and spiritual things that may lead one to pick up again. They typically don't want to hear about addiction to anything else – even if it is closely related to alcohol use. Many don't even like anyone introducing themselves as alcoholics and addicts. Although since I have returned to meetings, there are more and more stories about psych hospitals, psych meds and alcohol – mostly by younger people. Benzos are becoming part and parcel of the addiction culture now so more people include them in their stories in a general way.

 

 

I wouldn't be too concerned about them not trusting you. I can't think of anyone who hasn't relapsed more than once. In 2008, I was sober for 5 or 6 months and went back out anyway for 11 months – 11 of the most God awful months of my life. Medically, I still don't understand how I can be living and breathing. But I am. And I function better than I ever have. When I went back out for 11 months, I knew I was powerless over alcohol. I just had to make sure the second part of the first step was also true. I had to make my life unmanageable. (I had to dig my “new bottom” as they say in meetings).

Perhaps you need to find another meeting. Most alcoholics are very understanding and compassionate  about someone “going back out.” The reason is simply that they have also done it and they know others who relapsed and never made it “back in” - many of whom are no longer with us. We are truly like “drowning [men and women] seizing life preservers.” 

 

I wouldn't get too wrapped around the axle about what others in the rooms think. They simply don't get it for the most part. In fact, nearly all the old timers and their sponsees believe the depression and anxiety of PAWS (essentially identical to that of benzo w/d) are just the stuff that caused us to drink in the first place. They don't understand that much of that misery is from a damaged brain that literally needs to heal. Much of the depression lifts on its own without any steps; however, the steps represent an excellent way to live life.

 

So, the loneliness, paranoia, and all the rest will lift at some point. The day will come when you will be sitting there at a meeting smiling knowing that you beat booze and benzos. You won't care what anyone thought in the past or what they might think now or in the future because you have “done the undoable.”

 

 

Your sig line says you have been off 4 months. That's good healing time. You are well on your way to  the serenity and gratitude that you hear about in the rooms.

 

(Sorry this is so long, but this is something I have been thinking about lately since I returned to meetings.)

 

eli 

[[ea...]]

Hi Eli,

Thank you for sharing your story. Only recently have I begun reading "success stories," and until now, all I read were from people who only used benzos a short time, and who did not have more than one addiction." (I hate that word, but dont yet know a better one.)  So reading your story was very helpful and reassuring.

      Also, writing about the difficulties you encountered at AA was helpful. I was considering going back (went a few years back because of a DUI...ie "forced" to go.) but when I dropped in to the local Interfaith office for meeting times, etc., I ran into the same old dogma thing you mentioned. I tried to explain what I was going thru to a woman there and immediately her face changed, sort of hardened, and I know she was thinking "This woman is in denial and blaming her pills for everything." And when she spoke, it was with a little smirk. She said something like "You need to start going to meetings tonight". Implying some very negative things, I think. Also -  I do not believe in god as AA seems to believe, and when I used to go to meetings, I found this very hard to deal with. If I attempted to ask anyone about this, I got back the "You really need to find your higher power, or else..." kind of thing. Again, a turn-off that pushed me away.

    Anyway, it is not your job to counsel me about this! Again, thank you for sharing your story. It has given me hope.

eastcoast

[[No...]]

 

      Dear Eli:

 

          Everytime I write your name, I am not only reminded of the prophet Elijah, but the movie The Book of Eli starring

            Denzel Washington. That movie inspires me evertime I watch it, just as you inspire me to "Do the Undoable."       

       

          That phrase fits everything about recovery in three  words. Thank you for this.

 

            Blessings and Prayers for lots of Healing to All on This journey.

                            Notforme

[[Po...]]

Thank you so much for posting your story.  Every positive outcome helps one of us.  Hope you have continued healing and come back here to post and help others.

 

Hugs,

Poplady

[[el...]]

Hi eastcoast, Notforme and poplady.

 

Yes, eastcoast, 12-step meetings (like AA and NA) don’t really get it done for benzo w/d. While the 12 steps represent a good model for living life and battling addictive behavior, they don’t help a lot with the raw suffering of benzo w/d. I think a therapy meeting group for benzo w/d should be essentially a meeting where people in all phases of w/d (including some who have healed) meet and support each other. I think that may have an actual “healing” effect – maybe similar to how music helps people heal. It’s never been studied because such groups are rare at best. I want to start one, and I have read that someone in CT also hopes to do so. Maybe one day such groups will be found to be the only therapy that provides effective relief and healing for benzo w/d. Just me thinking of course, but who knows.

 

Notforme - It’s funny that you mention The Book of Eli. I got that DVD over a year ago, and I have watched it several times. It does have some kind of “powerful” message. In many ways, it reminds me of conquering benzo w/d. Maybe that’s why I have watched it so many times. The guy walked from the east coast to the west coast through a world that was miserable and terrifying. He gained incredible wisdom through the journey and was able to express it perfectly when he finally reached his destination. And he had an amazing peace at the end all the way to his last breath. He kept the faith. It’s a great analogy to benzo w/d. Long journey. Slow going. Fear. Grey. Faith to get there. Perseverance. Wisdom. Peace. I think I’ll watch it here in a while.

 

I had the privilege today of meeting with someone who is in the midst of w/d. It was truly a delight. (Yes, apparently someone in w/d can be delightful – even though she just didn’t “feel” delightful.) I had only ever been in the physical presence of one other person who was fighting that same battle – a homeless friend. I was in tolerance w/d at the very same time. We were both suffering indescribably for a long time and would always say that one day we would share a meal again in a nice restaurant and go out to our church and throw horseshoes like we did years earlier. Funny thing is neither one of us believed it at the time. I really thought neither of us would make it. But we have healed and shared that meal several times now and even threw horseshoes once. Amazing how w/d makes our brains believe the big lie that we won’t heal. It’s so very convincing. But it’s still a lie….just a lie….always a lie. For that I am very thankful. 

 

eli

 

[Guest [to...]]

Hi eli111

 

Thank you so much for sharing your journey. 

 

I have just started to read the success stories and may I say I have enjoyed and learnt a lot.

 

I am having trouble expressing myself and have realised this is part of the withdrawal for me. 

 

Thank you again for all the wisdom and kindness in your posts

 

Peace love and healing

[[Ru...]]

Well, I’m sitting here in the big, plush easy chair in the family room listening to the Moody Blues – “Your Wildest Dreams.” I haven’t heard it for years but just happened to google Moody Blues and this is the first song that came up. I can barely think of a more appropriate song for this moment. Three years ago, possibly to this very minute, I was ending a three-week stay at a psych hospital in Harrisburg, PA. I spent three weeks there under suicide watch. I survived quite a bit during my stay at the hospital - a “taper” off 4 mg clonazepam; a failed “trial” of a tricyclic anti-depressant as well as a trial of Wellbutrin – both of which only served to intensify my misery. About halfway through my stay at the hospital, it was decided that I should undergo ECT in hopes of eradicating the black depression. So, for that time I was switched from clonazepam to Ativan because Ativan has a much shorter half-life. The reason for that was simply that ECT does not work with benzos in the brain. I had four ECT treatments given every other day. On the “in between” days I was put on what they called a “mini-withdrawal”- no benzos at all until after the next ECT treatment. Of all the cruelty at that place, that was the worst. I was in constant acute w/d for a week and a half. I was forced to go to in-house AA meetings and also, not just attend other therapy sessions, but also take part in them. An indescribably horrendous experience.

 

On that Friday evening, about one hour after my last ECT treatment, my wife rescued me from that place and I stumbled outside, down some steps, over a sidewalk, and across the parking lot. It had just begun to snow. I looked back at my footprints in the snow and wondered how I made those tracks. I felt like I wasn’t even there – like I was nowhere –like I didn’t even exist. Surreal, surreal, surreal. The dp/dr was unimaginable. I hoped and literally prayed that I would die before getting to the car…but I didn’t.

 

So, as I sit here now in my right mind, comfortable, at peace, and connected to reality, I am living beyond my wildest dreams. I thought this was an impossibility three years ago – even 15 month ago. Nothing is impossible (one of the dozens of lessons I have learned from this journey).

 

My complete story is very long and circuitous. I won’t bore anyone with all the details because it would literally result in a book. The condensed, “abstract” version is: I spent 40 years drinking alcoholically. At about the 28th year of drinking, I was getting panic attacks (from the booze and some life situations). I went to the doctor. He gave me Xanax (which worked well for maybe 2 weeks). He also gave me Paxil which threw me into a tailspin of panic attacks and suicidal depression. It took a year and a half (and dozens of psych drug trials) for me to emerge from that 3-day Paxil experience. The only thing that helped me emerge was the increased alcohol intake. Of course, I was switched to clonazepam over that time, and I took it every day while I also drank. I stayed on the clonazepam for a total of 13 years. I was told I would need it forever…and I believed it.

 

In my 40th year of alcoholism, I finally quit drinking for good. After two weeks, I fell into unbelievable anxiety, panic attacks and depression. I didn’t realize for several more months that I would never be well again until I ditched the clonazepam – all of it. I was in severe tolerance w/d. After one to two months of tapering, I was completely off the benzo. Let the success story begin.

 

I am currently a few days shy of 30 months off clonazepam. Over the last year or so, I have thought about writing a success story. My biggest difficulty with that has been the question – “What does success mean – a least to me?” In the past couple days, I have answered that question. The answer for me simply is the answer to another easier question - “Am I at least as well as I was before this whole mess started – before I got off the clonazepam or maybe even before I started taking the clonazepam nearly 16 years ago?” The answer to both parts of the question: Yes, I am much, much better. In fact, I am better than I have ever been in my entire life. I am not exaggerating at all. From that perspective, I could have written this at about 22 months off. That is when I knew beyond a doubt that I was better than I had ever been in my life.

 

I am calmer than I have ever been in my life. No booze or benzos required. They were only escalating my anxiety and depression. My sense of humor is huge and I am able to laugh as I never did before. I am wiser than I have ever been. I can see deep meaning in so many aspects of life that I never even thought about before. My mental cognition, ability, and energy are off the charts now. Physically, I no longer take Nexium or any PPI for acid reflux. I took PPIs for 15 years starting way back when I was originally prescribed benzos (1997). Also, at about 18 months off, all my allergies disappeared. I had been severely allergic to most nuts and fruits for a couple decades. Now I eat absolutely everything (except Brussels sprouts and tripe – only because I can’t stand them). Pollen allergies left at the same time. I don’t know if it’s from getting off the benzos, but I’ll take it.

 

I do have a few minor lingering s/x. My sleep could be better, but then I drank for decades. It can take years for alcoholics to regain good sleep. Tinnitus is still hanging around (very common). And of course there is almost always the perpetual song running through my head – especially in the morning. But I am able to at least “change the record” simply by suggestion. My mind still is very active, but I am easily able to direct the mental energy into “good places.”

 

If I had to put a percentage on my healing, it would easily exceed 100%. I am better mentally and spiritually than I have ever been – even long before benzos. Physically, my only real problem is some arthritis which has nothing to do with benzos.

 

I remember when I got out of the psych hospital, I was in severe acute w/d and had nearly one hundred separate s/x. There was only a handful that I didn’t experience. They are virtually all gone with the exception of a few minor ones which are only nuisances at worst.

 

I always liked looking at the healing time line of different individuals to measure my own healing against. Here is mine.

 

Month 1: Very similar to the weeks of tapering. Lots of anxiety, depression, dp/dr, insomnia, and restlessness.  At the end of month 1, the bottom dropped out and s/x increased in intensity by at least a factor of 10, but they were not as acute as those experienced in the psych hospital and immediately after discharge from the hospital nor were there as many different ones. 

 

Months 2 through 6: Little or no improvement noticed really. The greatest hallmark was the extreme terror that would appear from nowhere at times. Morning terrors every morning and extreme fear to get out of bed and face the day. Extremely sensitive to cold, noises, movement, and any other sensory input.

 

Month 7: First noticeable improvement when I was able to go outside and do some yard work even though I shook uncontrollably and was very fearful.  Dp/dr was still nearly unbearable – extreme dizziness.

 

Month 10: Recall the first morning I had an actual desire to do some exercise – 10 or so minutes on the elliptical. Gradually improved in duration from there as well as adding weight bearing exercises. Otherwise, s/x remained pretty constant.

 

Months 11 to 13: Very little change in s/x.

 

Months 14 and 15: At end of month 14, I had an “awakening” one morning (September 28, 2011) that I was well enough to possibly write something on FB for the first time in two years. I wrote a couple sentences about being on a journey and finally beginning to return. It was the first “social” improvement since the whole thing started and was the first noticeable lifting of two years of depression. Morning dreads disappeared.

 

Month 16: At my grandson’s birthday party, I was confident and unafraid to drink the first cup of coffee I had had in over two years. This was about one month after my entry on FB (October 30, 2011 – snowstorm here in Central PA). This was the very day I KNEW that I was going to get well. The depression of over two years was nearly completely gone.   

 

Months 17 to 22: Continued improvement in nearly all s/x.  Most noticeable was vastly improving cognition. Mental tasks were becoming MUCH easier and creating no anxiety or panic. Very calm. In month 22, my confidence was finally at a level which allowed me to take on a job requiring a high level of mental cognition and emotional calmness.

 

Months 23 to present (month 30): While the mental s/x of anxiety and depression had already vanished, other lingering s/x have improved or disappeared – usually without me noticing. Heart palps are gone. Inner vibrations gone. The only burning sensations now are sometimes when I wake from a nap. Dp/dr is very mild now. I had that one long before w/d began back in my drinking days.

 

As I close, I honestly believe that my story is one of the more extreme ones – with the decades of alcoholism, 13 years of clonazepam use, and three weeks of torture in a psych hospital. This is a doable journey by anyone really. There is nothing special about me. It just takes time. You have to hold on, and when you think you can’t hold on any longer, you have to hold on.

 

You may not “feel” hope through much of the journey, but you have hope. It is right there in the deep recesses of your very being. It is inside every one of us and constantly whispers to us. Don’t let the shouting of your ailing brain convince you that it’s not there.  It is there. It is speaking…constantly speaking truth and saying to hold on one more minute, one more hour, one more day…until you are one more healed man or woman. ..who then becomes a voice of hope for someone else to hear over the noise of their ailing brain.

 

Hold on. Just hold on. And you will heal. It’s a promise.

 

Blessings,

 

eli

 

Thanks SO MUCH for your comforting & encouraging words Eli (not just this post, but some reply posts too like wd makes you believe etc which is a big fat lie etc!!! And also that you didnt believe (or rather, found it hard to believe) that you wld one day be well.  I think the sheer endurance of something like this can have us ALL thinking/believing that - after this long in hell!!!  But its comforting to hear, all the same. LOVE how you just say it how it is.  I need that kind of talk!!!

 

Tis great that you finally have some major improvement/success/progress!!! I cant wait to be saying the same thing "one day". Thanks HEAPS for sharing your story and trying to encourage others who arent there yet........

 

I think you may have even emailed me once (ages back).....anyway CONGRATS to you matie......you're a true Warrior!!!

 

Love and Hugs, Rucoco (aka ruthiealison from New Zealand)

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Hi Eli,

I have decided that neither AA or NA would be best for me. I trust my instincts on this. Thank you for talking about it...helped me clarify a few things.

    Oh, I wish there was a support group where I live! The only one Ive found that even knows Ashton exists was a costly for-profit program in a nearby town. They wanted "only $6300.00" to enjoy their program. This truly offended me...on principal. Im sure you understand. And I certainly do not have that kind of money. It made me think, tho. When I worked in the mental health field, it was, both times, in for-profit programs. And neither one was a truly good program, and now I wonder how many truly suffering people we were turning away every day. Yikes. Wont make that mistake again, if I ever return to my profession.

eastcoast