Driving in the Left Lane- pianogirl's Story of Healing and Hope for all of You!

[[Ja...]]

Thank-you piano girl for your encouragement. Wishing you a happy holiday season and a wonderful New Year.

[[pi...]]

Pianogirl and mama2

I am half way through my 7 the mo. Off.  I am 67, have the support and love of my husband of 38yrs but he's all....most of my friends do not keep in touch.  My main two symptoms are bad anxiety/fear and Hopelessness from all those benzo lies that take over.  But I do have loss of muscle tone, lost 25 plus lbs, and muscle shakes. I cry all the time.  Have no appetite.  I wasn't really doing too bad with sleeping but things seem to be changing in that area and that worries me.  I just wonder if my age is really an issue, I thought I would be seeing a lessening of symptoms by now considering the length of time and low dosages I was on.  Wondering if either of you thought w/d was longer due to age and if you have any suggestions.  I have a good diet and I try to either walk or do my Exercycle for at least 20 min a day or more when I can.  But I have to push myself to do it. Not coping well at all.

Appreciate any feedback, ladies.  God bless and hope you are both doing well. 

 

Hello Galea,

 

I've seen young and old alike have difficult withdrawals so I'm not convinced that age is a factor.  I'm in my 60's as well and was also on a very low dose of benzo, but for a longer period of time. I think how we react to this process has more to do with our particular genetics and the internal make up of our central nervous system.  Why are we chosen to have a difficult time when many people can withdraw with little or no issues, that is the question no one can answer. At least not yet.

 

7 months is not that far off to be honest. I had many many symptoms at 7 months but the one thing that did help me was distraction. I continued to work during this process. I could not break down in tears while I was teaching, well I could, but the fact that I was kept busy was really helpful to me.  You don't necessarily have to work, but find activities to keep your mind from ruminating about withdrawal.  I think it is great that you walk and cycle, that's great!  Keep it up, it will benefit your health in the long term.  I also watched movies, read books and did puzzles.  To this day, I still work crossword puzzles, it's important to exercise the aging brain. ( not that we are aging  ) I also started bicycling when I was about 4 months off and continued until the cold weather kept me indoors.

 

I lost contact with many friends during my benzo period.  Many were people I played tennis with and since I was not able to play due to withdrawal and also neck surgery.  I guess that they weren't that great friends if they didn't even check to see how I was doing following my surgery.

 

Rosa and Galea,  I would suggest you don't try to figure out why you are anxious.  Find coping tools like deep belly breathing and meditation.  Just let the anxiety be there and float around it.  Realize it can't hurt you.

 

Time is the great healer, you've heard that before I know but it's true.  I feel better than ever and honestly better able to cope with life's ups and downs having been through something pretty horrid and survived. You can do this,  come here and get support and read those success stories.

 

Hugs,

 

PG 

[[Ga...]]

Thank you, pianogirl and Rosa

I find it so encouraging that you were able to continue to work, PG.  I don't think I could have, glad I am retired but, not much in the way of distractions.  I do watch tons of movies, not violent or depressing or action ones,  Really can't read a book for long or do puzzles.  I know I am my own worst enemy when I let the what if thoughts and the anxiety drag me down. Christmas isn't helping....breaks my heart but it's only temporary, right?  It's very cold and snow here so my walking outside days are through.  Also darker longer.  Acceptance, time, distraction....things I have to learn.  Pray that I will.

Sorry Rosa, you are going through much of the same...and, no, I did not have these symptoms other than insomnia.  Life brought stress and anxiety but nothing like this horror and fear. 

Therapy would have more than helped me through my insomnia but I listened to the doctor , trusted the doctor, believed the lies as did we all.  But I have to let that go as well.  What's done is done.  I just pray that all who are still suffering will find healing soon.  God bless and hope your holidays do not prove to be too much.  We are healing, every day in every way, right?

 

[[pi...]]

To all my lovely buddies I wish you a wonderful holiday season.  This is my 3rd Christmas benzo free and merely reaching this milestone gives me much joy and happiness because at times I thought I'd never be free of that drug.

 

Even last Christmas I took care not to overdo things and compromise my sensitive cns.  This year I have not had that concern, I know that my cns has recovered and I am strong and healthy.

 

Some things I have done this year that I most likely would not have done last year and certainly not in the years I was so sick while on the drug and sick during withdrawal:

 

I got up on stage at a concert and sang the Hallelujah chorus with a choir. (Yes, we were invited to do that  )

 

I've been to holiday parties and really enjoyed meeting new people. No fear that I was somehow "different" than others, damaged somehow.

 

Driving all over without worries of dizziness, boatiness or any other of those horrid symptoms I once had.

 

Looking forward to events and concerts instead or wondering how I would feel that day, at that time.

 

Knowing each day that I have no thoughts of withdrawal, except to come here and help people who are suffering as I once did.

 

I can only urge you all to wait and give your systems time to heal.  Good things will be coming your way. Find things that make you complete, for me it is family, friends and music. Keep these things near and dear to your heart.

 

Merry Christmas to you!!!

 

PG 

 

 

 

 

[[mr...]]

PG, I'm reading yours like its going outta style, girl

 

You & me are gonna have an eParty once I'm through the thicket, okay? I'll start an eParty topic in the Off-Topic section for us!! My day is coming soon...c'mon soon!!

 

Thanks for being here

[[pi...]]

PG, I'm reading yours like its going outta style, girl

 

You & me are gonna have an eParty once I'm through the thicket, okay? I'll start an eParty topic in the Off-Topic section for us!! My day is coming soon...c'mon soon!!

 

Thanks for being here

 

Party, did you say party?? I'll be ready to whoop it up when you get through that thicket, and you will, get through it!!!!

 

PG 

[[Ja...]]

Happy New Year. Flight down to Florida was fine. Doing some good healing here. Not done yet, but things are moving along. Wish they would hurry up, but it is definitely going in the right direction.

[[pi...]]

Happy New Year. Flight down to Florida was fine. Doing some good healing here. Not done yet, but things are moving along. Wish they would hurry up, but it is definitely going in the right direction.

 

Happy New Year to you Jazzy!!!!

 

I'm glad things are going well, and they will continue as you heal even more in 2014.  Enjoy your stay, we had some snow showers this morning.

 

PG 

[[Co...]]

PG....another 60 something chimes in...thank you so much for the inspiring hopeful post. I am only one month out and actually had more sun breaks and windows at end taper and first few weeks of recovery than I do now. I think I was unrealistically optimistic about a comfortable recovery. Many of my s/x are much better but the good old stand  bys ( depression...anxiety...) are becomming more consistsnt again. Your story has given me the knowing that this will all get better...I continue to look forward to June ( June is my 6 months off marker and the anniversary of the beginning of my taper off 1 mg ativan)....I am distracting myself with planning my patio garden ..You are so right about staying engaged as much as possible....even when you don't feel like. it....because more than likely you never feel like it. I know I feel better if I keep a regular routine when at all possible. I am a retired Montessori preschool teacher and volunteer in my grandson 's kindergarten...it is the very best thing...I have missed a few days but go 3x a week ..I always feel better We must have other things to fill our hearts...I just refuse to let w/d take up my life...thank you again PG...It is the success stories that keep me putting one day in front of the other..  So very happy for you that you have your life back.....your support on BBs is so inspiring to those of us looking forward to healing....The very best to you in the New Year...cooperten

[[pi...]]

PG....another 60 something chimes in...thank you so much for the inspiring hopeful post. I am only one month out and actually had more sun breaks and windows at end taper and first few weeks of recovery than I do now. I think I was unrealistically optimistic about a comfortable recovery. Many of my s/x are much better but the good old stand  bys ( depression...anxiety...) are becomming more consistsnt again. Your story has given me the knowing that this will all get better...I continue to look forward to June ( June is my 6 months off marker and the anniversary of the beginning of my taper off 1 mg ativan)....I am distracting myself with planning my patio garden ..You are so right about staying engaged as much as possible....even when you don't feel like. it....because more than likely you never feel like it. I know I feel better if I keep a regular routine when at all possible. I am a retired Montessori preschool teacher and volunteer in my grandson 's kindergarten...it is the very best thing...I have missed a few days but go 3x a week ..I always feel better We must have other things to fill our hearts...I just refuse to let w/d take up my life...thank you again PG...It is the success stories that keep me putting one day in front of the other..  So very happy for you that you have your life back.....your support on BBs is so inspiring to those of us looking forward to healing....The very best to you in the New Year...cooperten

 

Hi Coop,

 

Happy New Year to you!

 

I think you are doing everything right, keeping distracted and trying to maintain as much normalcy as possible is what got me through this. I could have thrown in the towel and stopped teaching, my husband would have supported it, but honestly having a schedule was really helpful to me. How wonderful of you to help in your grandson's kindergarten class. I just wish I lived close enough to help out more with my grandbaby. She is starting Montessori school this month, as a 2 year old. 

 

Planning a patio garden, how fun.  I put lots and lots of potted plants and flowers on my patio and my front porch. This was also something that helped me during my recovery. Just going outside to water them and feeling the sun on my body was good for me.

 

I hope that I can bring hope to those who wonder if they will ever heal, that is my goal is remaining here on the forum.  You are just one month out and so it's early healing now. I know as you approach that 6 month time you will notice even more improvement. 

 

I wish you continued good healing in 2014, it will happen.

 

PG 

[[...]]

Hey Miss Angel how are you.  I am doing okay.  Kind of have the blues a little bit today.  I need to get a little more structure for distraction like you were just writing about. Need to finish the DVD.  Taking one course at a time is not enough.  I will always love you so much

[[pi...]]

Pan  Pan  Pan 

 

I love you too dear woman, I'm so glad you stopped by today.  I hope you feel some lightness soon.  Have you been keeping somewhat busy? I know it's hard to structure your time when you are not working.  When will you be finished with school? 

 

Happy New Year to you!  I hope that 2014 brings you happiness and contentment.

 

Hugs,

 

PG 

[[Ja...]]

Hi Pianogirl. Did have a good time in Florida. Thanks. My symptoms were getting much better and then last night for no reason I am feeling all sorts of stuff again. Still feeling them this morning. Wondering if there is ever an end to this?

[[pi...]]

Hi Pianogirl. Did have a good time in Florida. Thanks. My symptoms were getting much better and then last night for no reason I am feeling all sorts of stuff again. Still feeling them this morning. Wondering if there is ever an end to this?

 

Jazzy,

 

I'm glad Florida was good!!!  Don't worry about this little blip, the nervous system is so complex that it takes some time for all the pieces to fit together harmoniously.  My husband is an engineer and he likes to tinker with all sorts of electronics. I see the insides of some of the stuff and there are wires everywhere seemingly willy nilly, but when connected properly beautiful things happen.  Music plays, videos show, computers do whatever computers do.  Our cns is like that.  When one wire is a little out of place, it will let us know.  Your cns is telling you that one of the wires is not connected properly. Let is do it's thing and find that harmony, it will.  Try to remember the fun times in Florida, reflect on all that is good. It will help you get past this little hurdle.

 

Hugs,

 

PG 

[[Ja...]]

Thanks so much. I appreciate it every time you encourage me. I sure hope all the connections connect appropriately. My husband owns a lighting business and is an electrician so I have also seen all of those wires. There sure are many of them that have to be in the right place and connect to the right thing.

 

[[Ju...]]

Dear Piano Girl,  I am very thankful and glad for you that you beat this condition.  Keep up the good work I am sure that you have more to offer the world.    thanks,  jude273

[[pi...]]

Dear Piano Girl,  I am very thankful and glad for you that you beat this condition.  Keep up the good work I am sure that you have more to offer the world.    thanks,  jude273

 

Hi Jude,

 

You'll beat this too.  I noticed that you are still having symptoms at about 15 months off. That is not uncommon.  I was just starting to come out of my benzo withdrawal about that time but still had one significant flare up after that.  We all heal differently, but we do heal.  You are doing everything right, I noticed that you exercise and keep busy. Distraction was vital for me during this process.  Your body knows how to fix itself, to right the imbalance, to return to harmony. It will, give it time and keep believing in healing.

 

pianogirl

[[ma...]]

Hi Pianogirl,

 

I'm still having the weak legs.  In the morning it is so bad I can hardly stand to shower.  You mentioned you had it and took up bicycle riding.  I'm thinking about purchasing a bike.  Do you remember when the weak legs abated for you?

 

I took piano lessons as a child and I still have my mom's piano.  Since my husband passed, I'm really wanting to feel well enough to take up lessons again, although I'm a bit nervous for fear of  having benzo brain along with the age factor.

 

I'm inspired that you have made such a great recovery.

 

Mama2 

[[pi...]]

Hi Pianogirl,

 

I'm still having the weak legs.  In the morning it is so bad I can hardly stand to shower.  You mentioned you had it and took up bicycle riding.  I'm thinking about purchasing a bike.  Do you remember when the weak legs abated for you?

 

I took piano lessons as a child and I still have my mom's piano.  Since my husband passed, I'm really wanting to feel well enough to take up lessons again, although I'm a bit nervous for fear of  having benzo brain along with the age factor.

 

I'm inspired that you have made such a great recovery.

 

Mama2 

 

Hi Mama2,

 

I think basically that you have to work slowly on building up your muscle strength.  So much happens to the body during withdrawal and if you spend any amount of time bedridden or sitting your muscles will lose your tone. I see you have been bedridden for a while. Good for you for getting up now and starting to move around.  Take things slowly, I don't think I'd hop on a bike if I had been bedridden for a period of time. I don't know if the weather where you live will allow it, but you might start with some walks first.  Make small goals for yourself like walking for 5 minutes and build up from there.  After you feel a little stronger you might want to consider getting a bicycle.  I love cycling.  I think my leg weakness was much improved by my 3 months off.  We are all different though and I have always worked out and participated in many sports.

 

I think you should take advantage of your mom's piano.  Don't worry about benzo brain and age!  My adult students are all in their 60's and 70's and love piano and the fact that it is a good exercise for the brain.  They are a fun bunch of ladies, one of them gets so nervous when she plays for me and I've been teaching her for over 6 years!   

 

I hope my story will help you and others see that recovery happens, healing happens and that there is so much to look forward to in the future.

 

PG 

[[VC...]]

Wow, Pianogirl! I needed to read your healing story today. Being new here, I'm still experiencing bouts of anxiety, mostly about "will my nervous system ever settle down?" So glad you're able to share an amazing testament to your own body's ability to heal. I'm one of those who took alprazolam for years and years, but only "prn" thinking less was better. Two doctors told me if I only took as needed, it would be okay. Fast forward a dozen years later or more, and my whole autonomic system feels hijacked. Fragile BP, irregular HR, adrenaline surges over the tiniest upset (or even when resting)....it's frightened me and I've not even started to taper yet. Was told here on BB to stick to a consistant dose for awhile, try to stabilize, then begin a safe, slow taper. Guess I need to read a lot of success stories so I don't wig out again. You seem like such a beautiful person, and I'm thrilled to know you're doing so much better! I'm a grandmother, too, and want to be more "present" and available in their lives but right now I'm so sick and my kids don't understand. I'm housebound and exhausted - told I have adrenal exhaustion. Guess this tiny benzo pill complicated everything. Anyway,thank you for being here. Your story inspires me greatly. I pray one day I'll be able to share my own success story, too. Right now I can't even walk across the house with a mild arrhythmia....

 

 

VC

[[pi...]]

Wow, Pianogirl! I needed to read your healing story today. Being new here, I'm still experiencing bouts of anxiety, mostly about "will my nervous system ever settle down?" So glad you're able to share an amazing testament to your own body's ability to heal. I'm one of those who took alprazolam for years and years, but only "prn" thinking less was better. Two doctors told me if I only took as needed, it would be okay. Fast forward a dozen years later or more, and my whole autonomic system feels hijacked. Fragile BP, irregular HR, adrenaline surges over the tiniest upset (or even when resting)....it's frightened me and I've not even started to taper yet. Was told here on BB to stick to a consistant dose for awhile, try to stabilize, then begin a safe, slow taper. Guess I need to read a lot of success stories so I don't wig out again. You seem like such a beautiful person, and I'm thrilled to know you're doing so much better! I'm a grandmother, too, and want to be more "present" and available in their lives but right now I'm so sick and my kids don't understand. I'm housebound and exhausted - told I have adrenal exhaustion. Guess this tiny benzo pill complicated everything. Anyway,thank you for being here. Your story inspires me greatly. I pray one day I'll be able to share my own success story, too. Right now I can't even walk across the house with a mild arrhythmia....

 

 

VC

 

Hello VC,

 

You deserve kudos yourself for getting off your other medications!!!  I think you are doing the right thing by stabilizing first, inconsistent dosing just confuses an already mixed up nervous system. I know this because I lived through it.  You know, I lived for Success Stories during the roughest times. It was like I was trying to will myself to be one of these healed persons.  But, the body does know how to heal and will work to get there.

 

I experienced a lot of symptoms while on benzos so I understand how you feel.  I was never well, except maybe for the first few weeks I took them. It was not an easy time for me and I know it isn't for you as well.  Be gentle with yourself for now, nurture your body and mind.  Withdrawal might be very challenging but the rewards are great. You will be the kind of grandmother you want to be and enjoy life once again.

 

Get a lot of information here about a nice slow taper, I wish I had found BB before I started my taper instead of after I jumped off.  You can do this, try to understand the symptoms are part of the effects of the drug and the withdrawal. Come here for support, I'll be happy to encourage you when you need it.

 

PG 

[[Dr...]]

Thank you so much Pianogirl. You make me feel better knowing there is a light out there somewhere. I too feel very happy for you that you have won out over this drug thing the MD's want to push us into. I will admit that I am a little frightened when I read about this fifteen months thing. It is now only five months for me and as I have stated before it is quite frightening. I have always been a bit of a loner in general but had no idea how far away one can really become. I do want to get back to where I once belonged. Today I don't belong anywhere. You are a wonderful guiding light through all of this darkness. Again, THANK YOU for your very sincere, thoughtful caring.

[[VC...]]

Wow, Pianogirl! I needed to read your healing story today. Being new here, I'm still experiencing bouts of anxiety, mostly about "will my nervous system ever settle down?" So glad you're able to share an amazing testament to your own body's ability to heal. I'm one of those who took alprazolam for years and years, but only "prn" thinking less was better. Two doctors told me if I only took as needed, it would be okay. Fast forward a dozen years later or more, and my whole autonomic system feels hijacked. Fragile BP, irregular HR, adrenaline surges over the tiniest upset (or even when resting)....it's frightened me and I've not even started to taper yet. Was told here on BB to stick to a consistant dose for awhile, try to stabilize, then begin a safe, slow taper. Guess I need to read a lot of success stories so I don't wig out again. You seem like such a beautiful person, and I'm thrilled to know you're doing so much better! I'm a grandmother, too, and want to be more "present" and available in their lives but right now I'm so sick and my kids don't understand. I'm housebound and exhausted - told I have adrenal exhaustion. Guess this tiny benzo pill complicated everything. Anyway,thank you for being here. Your story inspires me greatly. I pray one day I'll be able to share my own success story, too. Right now I can't even walk across the house with a mild arrhythmia....

VC

 

Hello VC,

 

You deserve kudos yourself for getting off your other medications!!!  I think you are doing the right thing by stabilizing first, inconsistent dosing just confuses an already mixed up nervous system. I know this because I lived through it.  You know, I lived for Success Stories during the roughest times. It was like I was trying to will myself to be one of these healed persons.  But, the body does know how to heal and will work to get there.

 

I experienced a lot of symptoms while on benzos so I understand how you feel.  I was never well, except maybe for the first few weeks I took them. It was not an easy time for me and I know it isn't for you as well.  Be gentle with yourself for now, nurture your body and mind.  Withdrawal might be very challenging but the rewards are great. You will be the kind of grandmother you want to be and enjoy life once again.

 

Get a lot of information here about a nice slow taper, I wish I had found BB before I started my taper instead of after I jumped off.  You can do this, try to understand the symptoms are part of the effects of the drug and the withdrawal. Come here for support, I'll be happy to encourage you when you need it.

 

PG 

 

 

Well, thank you, Pianogirl! I am hanging onto every word. I'm hoping a slow micro-taper will eventually set things right again. I know it'll take some time. It's a scary thing, living inside a benzo brain with adrenal exhaustion. But the kindness of BB friends sure makes a difference.

 

Much admiration and appreciation....Hugs, VC 

[[Ja...]]

Hi pg hope all is well with you. Last 2 days of month 15 and feeling worse nerve pain and muscle aches. Really scared. Thought things should be getting better by now. Am totally functional until the pain takes over. Makes me feel as though I am in a Twilight Zone episode. Just need some support to make it through he rest of this horror show.

[[pi...]]

Hi pg hope all is well with you. Last 2 days of month 15 and feeling worse nerve pain and muscle aches. Really scared. Thought things should be getting better by now. Am totally functional until the pain takes over. Makes me feel as though I am in a Twilight Zone episode. Just need some support to make it through he rest of this horror show.

 

Hi there Jazzy,

 

I had this happen to me also.  The muscle pain and tightness felt like all my insides were being squeezed. I remember when my husband came home I told him I wanted to go to the er because I hurt so bad. I didn't go, it was just frustration talking. I did see my doctor and had some extensive tests.  Everything was normal, so it was "just" another wave.  After this pretty bad episode, which did happen at about 15 months out, things really got better.  I didn't have any more really intense periods like this.  We all know that healing is different for everyone but it will happen.  Know that as bad as it gets, you can handle it. You are stronger than this withdrawal and will come out the victor.  Sometimes withdrawal wins one or two battles, but in the end you will win the war.

 

Take good care of yourself.... you will see improvements.

 

Thanks for asking about me, I'm doing well, just busy as usual.  One of my friends told me she would be surprised if I was ever not busy. 

 

PG