What is happening in your brain?

[[Sk...]]

A.D.D

[[no...]]

BUMP - This post again put some much needed wind in my sails, so sending back up the chain in case anyone else could use it today as well... 

And Parker, where are you?? You haven't posted in awhile and your PM box is full to capacity!

My wife's new go-to phrase whenever I have a question is "GAP!" (Stands for Go Ask Parker) 

 

 

-Dave

[[Th...]]

It does seem to have lost its momentum (which I didn't see coming) doesn't it Dave?  And it feels very much like something is missing here without Parker posting.  Guess it's a pretty busy time of year for many. 

 

(Love the Gibran quote).

[[be...]]

Hey All....just checking in....landed in the ER on new years day...joy!!  Hate hospitals, doctors, tests and meds!!  I waited 24 hours before I went.

 

Nightmare!!  Long story short....severe, knife sharp pain in the upper left quad of abd the day before....took my breath away and brought me to tears.  Lasted over 24 hours even after heat packs, gas x and a hot bath and abd massage.

 

After 6 hours on the ER, xrays, blood tests and finally a CT scan I was told they cud not find the cause.  Iwas sent on my way after a heavy duty opiate was injected into my IV.

 

Sooo, my long winded question is....how the heck I we suppose to know wut is serious and wut is the benzo crap??

 

Still in mild to moderate pain and have scheduled an appt with the GI doc.

 

BB.

[[pa...]]

Hi Guys,

 

I'm doing so many things most days that I'm not on the forum. But I still do come back here.

I'm 15 months off now - and while I'm not healed, the waves are no longer than a day and if I have a wave, I am usually getting some great windows (although brief) after that.  Most of the time, I'm just in this steadily increasing baseline (not a window, but not a wave).  I would say I get a wave day usually about 2 times a week?  Sometimes they are more pronounced and sometimes it takes me until the afternoon to really recognize it as a wave - so the wave days are remarkably less intense.

Mornings are nowhere NEAR as hard.  They are still relatively the "worst" part of the day, but in saying that, there is no adrenaline rush.  I can sleep straight through to my alarm and even then, I can turn over and go back to bed.   Nighttimes are the best, and the time is moving back from there. I used to be best after 11pm, then 10 pm, now - I can count on starting to feel better at around 6-7pm no matter what.  It's a SLOW process for me, but it IS a process.   My brain still doesn't work correctly. I have a way to go. But I must be a lot better - becuase I'm out doing so many things.  I walk 3 miles most days of the week. I'm shopping, decorating, making tons of art projects, including wood carving, painting, sculpture, singing, playing piano, playing guitar.  Lots of things are really coming back.

Still waves.  Not healed. But I want you to know that EVEN THOUGH I do get frustrated and WANT to FULLY heal, the suffering is now not usually suffering. It's a low-level of irritation that I'm not there YET -but it's not suffering that's keeping me in bed or in the house.  Waves are still waves, but they aren't W-A-V-E-S like they used to be  And they are ONLY here and there - whereas, this time last year, I was in another universe altogether. I was in a FULL-ON wave for the first 11 months of recovery. Now - while my baseline isn't healed, waves HAPPEN a few times a week -but they are 20% the intensity and they are becoming the exception - not the rule

The fish oil continues to help me. I know this because I stopped it for 2 weeks while I had caught a virus .(There is some evidence that since fish oil is a natural antiiflammatory, that it can also keep the immune system from "inflaming" when you get a virus - so I stop fish oil if I get sick - in hopes that I will recovery from illness faster. Not sure if this is a recommendation  as much as just my personal preference.) Anyhow - I stopped the fish oil for 2 weeks, and when I RESUMED it, I could tell right away that it truly helped certain symtpoms mentally, cognitively, and mood-wise. So I still take it and glad I do.  I also stilll really benefit everyday from the magnesium glycinate.  ALSO  - I am really getting an immediate boost from walking 3miles.  I walk 3miles at a time and when I return, I pretty much window everytime.  I believe it is the serotonin being produced. On top of endorphins from the walk, I literally have a change in my vision - things look sharper and brighter - and more normal right after a 3mile walk. So my advice if any, is that WHEN you can, try to return to basic physical activity. Not a big half-marathon or anything. But just physical walking.  I walk about an hour most days a week. Just the kind of pace where I can still have a conversation with my husband. It's been good for both of us.

 

I guess that's all for now!

We are getting there.  I'm 15 months - and I'm a lot more than halfway done. I can't put a percentage on it, but I feel a lot more than halfway there - for whatever it's worth.  And the lingering symptoms are annoying and NOT the way I would want to spend my life -but I can see that it's all slowly resolving. (I'm not posting this on a wave day- on a wave day I feel too lousy to post this. But I'm not in a window today either. Just "here" healing.)

 

It gets better - and doable - to where you truly want to live again and have the capacity to function. Just slow. 

 

Keep going.  We are getting there.

 

:)Parker

[[pr...]]

i don't understand what a "baseline" is or means? can someone explain please? thanks!

Parker, that is so fantastic! thanks for helping us know what is to come! healing all the way~ yippity yay!

[[Sk...]]

Nurons rapidely fiering and then not fiering anymore and BAM!! Firing again.   

[[Ho...]]

Parker,

 

I was hoping that was why you were not posting.  Yeah, girl!  And your post is going in my inspiration journal -- again, not a total Success Story, but I love the "Progress" posts as much as the Success Stories, because they ENSURE me that my days will be getting easier.

 

Hey, is there a "BenzoBuddies Hall of Fame?"  If so, Parker, you belong in it.  Thank you SO much again for your informative post...I go back to it often.  Just the other day I was having hot flushes for hours and was so upset, I sat myself down and said, well, I guess my hippocampus is not firing well today!!! 

[[ea...]]

Wow! Parker, this was so helpful! I cant thank you enough. I had just posted a question and actually, what you wrote kind of explains my question. This was a very reassuring post to read and I honestly feel a bit better now. Thank you!

[[pr...]]

what does a baseline mean?

[[Th...]]

Great to see you on here Parker - but even greater to see the reason you have been away!  So glad to hear that things are going onwards and upwards for you.  And you'll always be treated like a celebrity appearance when you do drop by here I predict - this is one legendary post.

 

Pretty, sorry, my head's not up to reading and seeing where that 'baseline' comment is and if I can attempt an explanation.  I hope someone else will help soon. 

[[...]]

what does a baseline mean?

 

It means your basic, average symptoms against which you make comparisons to. For example, a window is when your symptoms are way less than baseline and you  feel a lot better, and a wave is when you have more symptoms or they are stronger  than baseline and you feel worse.

[[ro...]]

As part of the brain fuction what about the" Medulla Oblongata" , It controls the bloodpressure, heart rate, digestion,.  How is this effected in benzo withdraw?  Does anyone have any ideas?

[[pr...]]

thanks for the baseline answer. i am in my baseline now. that is a good question Robbin!

[[pa...]]

Hi Pretty -

 

Baseline.  YOu are asking, "What is a baseline?"

 

A baseline - in science - is the measure of where a person is on any average day.  Prior to benzos, my baseline was just "normal everyday functioning".  In the recovery process, we go through windows - which are positive and CLOSE to normal - but they don't last - they slip back.  We go through WAVES - which are negative and WORSE - but they don't last either - they slip back. And then oftentimes, we are just "hovering" at this in between place which - for many of us - just gets better and better over time.  Not a window and not a wave - just this "in between" place that steadily improves. We call that "baseline" - where we are at ON AVERAGE - not a window and not a wave.  Eventually, as the theory goes, your everyday baseline just gets better and better.  What WAS once a window is now just how you feel ALL the time!    And the baseline gets better and better over time until your baseline is so good that you can't tell baseline apart from windows (i.e. - your baseline is a permanant window - you're healed).

 

Hope this helps.

:)Parker

[[pa...]]

As part of the brain fuction what about the" Medulla Oblongata" , It controls the bloodpressure, heart rate, digestion,.  How is this effected in benzo withdraw?  Does anyone have any ideas?

 

My short answer to your question is "yes". The Medulla can be affected. ALL parts of the body that have nerves in them (everything) can be affected!

 

What might help is to think of things like this:

 

Picture the body - all of it - with a VERY SMALL "network" of billions of tiny wires each 1 millimeter long - in a "web-like" design -all over the entire map of EVERY organ, EVERY skin cell, EVERY muscle - EVERYthing. 

 

Picture a 1 millimeter long wire with a head and a tail.  Just a little wire.  And picture it's just sitting there with lots of little wires the same length ALL around it. The wires don't "touch". They are all just "floating" in a liquid. And they are ALL firing messages to one another ALL the time. ALL the time.  If the wires want to talk to each other to transmit a signal to "do" something, they have to release a chemical. The first wire releases a chemical from it's "tail".  That chemical floats out into the liguid and the surrounding tiny wires "absorb" the chemicals into their "heads" - and depending on the chemicals - the little wires will DO something. 

For example - if the first wire releases GABA into the liquid, the little wires around it will absorb the GABA - and then - because GABA is inhibitory, the little wires that absorb it will slow down their firing rate or firing intensity. And they will also release more GABA into the liquid for the next set of wires to absorb and it just propogates through all the wires like that until it reaches the brain where the brain will "do" somethign that we can perceive.

 

By now, you've guess that the "wires" aren't really wires. They are nerves (aka neurons) and they are EVERYWHERE in the body in this microscopic "net" - MUCH smaller than 1 millimeter in length.  The smallest neuron in the body is around .004mm (very small!) And the neural "net" is mapped out onto every part of everything. 

 

For example:  You look at a very bright light with your eyes.  What happens? The "wire network" in the eyes starts to say "Whoa! That's too bright!" And they start the response that causes the pupils to constrict, limiting the light. But they also need to send GABA to the visual cortex of the brain because the light has already been seen and now the brain needs to slow it's firing of "brightness" because what you're seeing is so bright that it needs to be buffered and "turned down" for you to register vision properly.

 

This is why in withdrawal and recovery, you may see things as "too bright ALL the time". What happens is that the brain NEEDS to turn down the brightness, but it can't - yet.  The problem (in theory) is that the little neurons (wires) CAN release GABA into the liquid, but that the other neurons cannot yet absorb it! Why? Their "absorbing" receptors "turned off" during benzo use. And now, they must "turn back on". This is what takes so long.  Once the receptors "turn back on", you start to see that the brightness starts to go down. 

 

In the meantime, the neurons are ALL firing too much excitatory. They are firing fast and more intense than normal. They are waiting for the GABA receptors they need to come back online.  And in the meantime, you may see things as "too bright". My vision was SO bright it was DIM. That's paradoxical, but the ENTIRE sytem was so overregistered excitatory, that it "washed out" my vision entirely and I could hardly see at all it was "so bright".  You have probably played with photo filters on a computer image. If you turn up the brightness SO much, you can almost not see the image anymore. That is what is happening to us.

 

I have found from talking with other buddies that we are all "hit" differently in withdrawal. For some of us, vision is not an issue.  For some it is. It was with me.  My visual cortex and auditory cortex in the brain were hit hard.  EVERYTHIGN was hit hard for me, but many things have now subsided where these are still healing and need more healing.  For other buddies, it may be fear (amygdala in the brain), memory (hippocampus in the brain), skin pain, digestion, you name it. ANYWHERE the neural net is - those nerves CAN be affected by GABA issues.  This does NOT mean you WILL be affected everywhere like this -it all depends on how your body adapted to the benzos you were on.  For some folks, it didn't change their vision or their digestion and for other folks, it did. (neuroadaptation)

 

Well - we are now simply in the process of changing BACK.   For me, that's really come a LONG way.  It's a huge feat of major metabolic energy - so it can take long time depending on what was hit and what needs to heal. Some folks don't make major changes on benzos. Or they can, for whatever reason, adapt BACK to their original state quickly.  They heal fast.  For others of us, we have made major adaptations that for whatever reason, take longer to heal. It takes us longer. But it just is what it is. Doesn't mean we won't heal. It's whatever our bodies have to do to get there - and however long that takes.

 

So - long story short - the Medulla.... The Medulla is a part of the brain like anything else. It's got millions of neurons running through it.  So yes - it can be affected by GABA issues, too.  On top of that, though, the body is VERY interconnected- so the medulla isn't the only thing "involved" in controlling blood pressure, etc.  Many things are responsible for working together to create a balanced system. When ANY one part of the system is "down", the whole system can register issues like dominoes - over and over again until the WHOLE thing heals.  We never know EXACTLY what is hit or what is being "worked on", but it doesn't matter a whole whopping heck if we know exactly. What matters more is just being able to visualize the brain and body as this smart thing that knows what it's doing and CAN heal.  If it helps to think of the "parts" as part of the whole - and to visualize what is "firing" as you have symptoms, then that visualization is powerful in that it can lead you to feel comfort that what you are experiencing is normal.  If you see things as too bright and you can realize it's GABA issues in the visual cortex, then that can lessen the fear associated with the symptom. (even if the true problem is not AS simple as just "the visual cortex" and "GABA") In truth, the healing process has SO many neurons, neurotransmitters, hormones, and chemicals associated with it, that the whole thing is a system of a million dominoes. Each thing relies on the other and no man is an island. No one brain "part" is completely just "isolated" from another. They are all interdependent to a large degree.  But insomuch as thinking of the parts as parts can help lessen fear, that's valuable.

 

Don't worry about your medulla. It will heal just fine - just like my visual cortex. My vision is closer and closer to being healed now.   It's been 15 months and it will take longer still for me, but we are both getting there.

 

:)Parker

 

 

[[ro...]]

Thank-you............Speedy healing.

[[Th...]]

Thanks Bart and Parker for the 'baseline' explanations (and Pretty for asking).  I could have given a rough guess from what I've read but it helps to have a proper idea of what people are talking about in relation to 'waves' and 'windows' too.  Now I'm imagining some kind of up and down line on a graph with the baseline in the middle, waves down below and windows above in terms of functioning/symptoms.  The visuals always help me so I thought I'd share in case it works for anyone else.

[[Sk...]]

That is interesting.  Thanks for posting that, parker.

[[pr...]]

i am about 9 months with one "rescue" does about 136 days ago. tonight, my symptoms feel like they are just a great big NAG.

it's like my mind and heart are now kinda ready for life again for the first time and my body is just in the way of that.

i wonder what my baseline is right now. i don't know how to put a number on it. but thanks for explaining baseline.

even though i am still experiencing dp/dr if i didn't have this NAGGING weighing my body down--i would be doing so many other things. i am still only able to lay and sleep all day. at least i am sleeping and dreaming again most nights.

[[su...]]

Hi Pretty -

 

Baseline.  YOu are asking, "What is a baseline?"

 

A baseline - in science - is the measure of where a person is on any average day.  Prior to benzos, my baseline was just "normal everyday functioning".  In the recovery process, we go through windows - which are positive and CLOSE to normal - but they don't last - they slip back.  We go through WAVES - which are negative and WORSE - but they don't last either - they slip back. And then oftentimes, we are just "hovering" at this in between place which - for many of us - just gets better and better over time.  Not a window and not a wave - just this "in between" place that steadily improves. We call that "baseline" - where we are at ON AVERAGE - not a window and not a wave.  Eventually, as the theory goes, your everyday baseline just gets better and better.  What WAS once a window is now just how you feel ALL the time!    And the baseline gets better and better over time until your baseline is so good that you can't tell baseline apart from windows (i.e. - your baseline is a permanant window - you're healed).

 

Hope this helps.

:)Parker

 

Yes!  While others use length and frequency of windows I've HAD to use this term "baseline" to measure my progress throughout my wd.  Well explained for people looking for helpful terminology in this mess, whether they are having windows or not. 

[[zo...]]

Hello Parker. You've mentioned elsewhere that you get visual disturbances as part of your dissociative symptoms. Have you considered whether you may be experiencing a (pain free) basilar migraine?

 

Am looking into this myself as it seems that several symptoms of my brain fog which I have been attributing to benzo withdrawal are in fact due to a previously undetected basilar-type migraine.  This variant of migraine often has strange visual symptoms (not flashes and sparkles) affecting general visual perception.

 

Just my 2 cents worth!

 

-Zoner

[[St...]]

  Good post to read over and over,

 

Gotta stay positive,

love

Sally 

[[ch...]]

This will hopefully be an encouraging email to make you feel SAFE and ENCOURAGED.

 

As some of you may know, my degrees are in speech-language pathology (B.A and M.S.)

As part of my Masters study, a big portion of my classes were in neuroanatomy and physiology.

I learned firsthand how to look at a person who had just undergone a stroke or brain injury and read the symptoms, the radiology reports, the doctor's notes,  and based on those symptoms, to form an image in my mind of what was affected in the brain injury - as well as how to formulate a treatment plan to help that person rehabilitate. For a therapist in a hospital, it is much more than "speech and language". It is about reteaching how to swallow, eat,  rebuilding memory, rebuilding concentation and attention, rebuilding focus, rebuilding executive functioning skills (planning and acting on a plan) -pretty much ANYTHING that is involved in "thinking" that helps you get OUT of a coma, OUT of a hospital, and back to life, work, and school. 

 

I had NO idea I would ever personally undergo a brain injury.  But insomuch as I have now indeed endured one, I often laid there in waves and attempted to "analyze and decipher" what was happening in my brain as I healed. I thought you all might like to read this. It gives potential answers to all the "WHY?" questions we have about what is happening to us mentally.

 

First of all, a TRUTH to accept is that WE HEAL.  I have seen people emerge from comas who cannot remember who they are - HEAL.

They can't remember how to walk (we do).

They can't write their names (we can).

They cannot tell you the year or the president (I was SO bad I was unsure of this at times, but generally, I was oriented to this).

They often cannot remember family members (we can -our D/R can be hideous, but we remember them).

THEY have to work through many hours of therapy to heal. But most of them do - and from TRAUMATIC PHYSICAL brain trauma that can tear tissue and tear nerves.

We have none of that. We don't have to undergo therapy. We simply have to wait.

 

Most of us, me included, didn't expect the temporary "brain injury" we got when jumping off benzos.

But I am starting to realize through my own experience and my educational background, that there is a PURPOSE in every symptom we have.  I have had months and months to analyze what is likely going on in the brain at a gross level - and I want to attempt to explain certain symptoms in a way that we can visualize - so that they are less "scary" and more "telling" of the healing that is happening.

 

First off - let's start with GABA and Glutamate. Most of you may know how this works by this point. But for those that don't, we have a huge nervous system of millions of nerves (neurons).  They don't "touch" each other. They are separated by a tiny space in between. However, they communicate via chemicals. The 2 MAIN chemicals in the entire nervous system are the BIG GUNS.  They are GABA and Glutamate. They are BOTH at work at ALL times in the CNS.  It isn't like one is working and then the other is working. They are BOTH ALWAYS working in tandem to control every aspect of movement, sensation  - everything. They take the incoming information and appropriately pass it along - they "trim up" the information appropriately so that we can process it.  They are like the steel structure of a building.  The entire building needs a steel structure to stand. 

 

GABA is inihibitory.  If a nerve releases GABA - it is to Inhibit function - this could be to "slow it down" or it could be to "limit the sensory input" so that we can process it.  In the same way, GABA might be released to help "steady" your hand while doing something like painting a very detailed painting.  GABA "shores up" movements to make them more fluid.  That's just in a nutshell. Of COURSE it does a lot more than this, but the idea is that GABA is present in the ENTIRE CNS and ALWAYS working to balance every sensation, movement, etc.

 

Likewise, Glutamate is the balance to GABA. It is the "excitatory" transmitter. It fires to speed things up - to initiate action - to make things "go".  There's a lot more to it, but Glutamate is kinda the opposite of GABA. 

 

BOTH are required to work at all times.  Neurons are ALL ALWAYS firing off GABA and Glutamate on a endless cycle all throughout the nervous system. It's quite amazing really.

 

What does a benzo do?  If a person is anxious - they may be so stressed that they cannot overcome a very traumatic event or anxious situation.  If a doctor prescribes a benzo - the benzo comes in and sorta "holds the door open" for ALL the GABA in the system to FLOOD into the nerves - even when that is not what the nerves would actually want to occur. The immediate effect is that EVERYTHING ni the body SLOWS DOWN and is inhibited. This might be helpful during surgery, for anesthesia, for a seizure disorder.  Yes - the benzo - by definition - will act on GABA and "slow everything down".  And yes - the net effect of this is that a person may feel drowsy, calm, less anxious... everything is being inhibited.    And in general, taking a benzo for "one day"  is okay. When the benzo is gone, the body just reverts back to regular operation.

HOWEVER, if a person takes a benzo day after day,  while indeed the person feels less anxious, the body begins to realize that it cannot DO the things it needs to do in this very slowed-down neuron state. It cannot make hormones. It cannot create enzymes. It cannot digest correctly. It cannot keep a heart going efficiently. It cannot get enough oxygen- and on and on. The body NEEDS to run at "normal" speed - not this "inhibited speed" all slowed down. 

But what can the body do? It cannot "remove the benzo" from the system. The only choice the body has to maintain a regular speed is to do two things ..  It can TURN OFF it's own GABA receptors - thereby rendering those benzos unable to affect the GABA in the system. And it can grow MORE excitatory Glutamate receptors to counteract the slow-down.  And that's kinda exactly what happens....

 

Only - this isn't true balance either.  The body does the best it can - but over time, things begin to suffer.  The body cannot make enough serotonin in this state. Or dopamine. Some things get made in excess - and other things do not get made enough!  During this time, a person may not be aware this is all going on. He may not be able to perceive any difference. But ONE day - the person may wake up sad - or not sleeping well - or unable to remember things fully - or his vision doesn't look right....and it becomes apparent the person has "hit tolerance".  The body is taking the same amount of drug -but try as it might, it just cannot overcome what has occured. It can take weeks, months or years to hit tolerance. Some people do and some don't before trying to get off benzos.  (I did. - it took me 9 months to hit tolerance.  But it was fast.  Once I hit it, I could notsleep more than 6 hours on all that klonopin AND Ambien! I couldn't remember things last week. I was crying all the time... something was wrong.)

 

The process to reverse this takes a while.  GABA receptors have to UPregulate and effectively "reopen" or "grow back".  Glutamate receptors must DOWNregulate, or effectively "turn off" or "prune back".  And IN this mix, all the smaller monoamines (neurotransmitters like serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine) must somehow find a way to synthesize in the mix.  Through weeks and months the body is rebuildling millions of neurons, and changing pathways, rebuilding GABA, downregulating Glutamate, rebuilding serotonin, rebuilding dopamine, rebuilding norepinephrine.  And ALL the enzymes and hormones that need to be made are attempting to be made while this is going on.  Basically- you have a building where the MAJOR streel structures are trying to be rebuilt at different times - ALL while people are coming and going in the building and attempting to work.

 

It would be like if the World Trade Center Towers hadn't completely fallen - but had crumbled inside in different places.. Imagine if you were trying to rebuild the tower - WHILE people were coming and going and trying to work in the building!  You'd have to set up a temporary elevator - but when you needed to fix part of that area, you'd have to tear down that elevator and set up a temporary elevator somewhere else. And so on. You'd have to build, work around, then tear down, then build again, then work around, then build... ALL while people are coming and going, ALL while the furniture is being replaced, ALL while the walls are getting repainted... ALL while life is going on INSIDE the building. No doubt it would be chaotic. That is EXACTLY what is happening with windows and waves.  The windows are where the body has "got it right" for a day or so - but then the building shifts and the brain works on something else - and it's chaos again while another temporary pathway is set up to reroute function until repairs are made. 

And just like the Twin Towers- it's possible - but the buiding is a major effort -and it takes a good year or more sometimes.

(Now look at the new Tower that stands at Ground Zero!  It's taller, stronger, and a symbol of freedom.  JUST like you will be!  )

 

So - okay - what is happening in that chaos?  What parts of the brain are responsible for these symptoms? 

 

Now, I don't "know" the following based on research, because not enough research has been done yet  - but based on my studies in neuroanatomy and my own withdrawal experiences, here is how I have analyzed what is "happening" during wave symptoms. Remember, I have had to look at radiology reports of brain damage and estimate what a patient might present with - so this is very similar. Instead of a radiology report showing me what has been damaged, I'm using my own brain symptoms to surmise what is going on....

 

Let me first list brain structures and their functions. This will help you understand where things happen in the brain and when symptoms occur, what may be happening.

 

BRAIN STRUCTURES

- amygdala  - This is the FEAR center in the brain. It's a tiny part in the middle of your brain. Fear is protective and it's GREAT if you need to assess something that is dangerous and to ACT  - like if a rabid dog were chasing you. - but it's hard in recoveyr when it's all you feel for months! But the FEAR is not truly in your MIND. It's in your BRAIN.  There is too much glutamate acting here in the amygdala and not enough GABA. So the nerves are firing off in the fear center when nothing scary is really there in your environment.  It is normal for that to happen given the circumstance physiologically. But it feels awful, doesn't it?  I know.  But it's just a brain structure. This can account for fear, agoraphobia, fear of water, fear of anything.  It's not that you're really "scared" of the moon - it's that you're in almost constant fear because this brain structure is healing. The glutamate is pruning back. The GABA receptors are opening back up.  It may or may not continue for awhile. It will abate. Then come back. But eventually, the brain will get it right. 

 

-Hippocampus - This is the "memory" center of the brain. It ties in old memories to emotions.  The same thing is happening here that is happening in the amygdala with GABA and Glutamate. So - voila. You get intrusive memories from ALL times in your life.  It's wild and wicked and wooly. But it can't hurt you. And if you can learn to visualize this as what is happening - then you can learn to be objective and realize it's normal.  And like the amygdala - it will come and go and frustrate you, but it will go away when the physiology is restored.

 

Hypothalamus This is the structure that is responsible for regulating body temperature. In early withdrawal, my body temperature would drop to 96 degrees in waves! Then 3 hours later, it would return to normal. I'd literally freeze in terror in bed for hours.  I am sure it is more complicated that JUST the hypothalamus, but I could picture this part of my brain retuning and restructuring, and it was less scary that way.

 

The following structures in the brain are part of the "gray matter" or the "cortex "and what we consider to be the "higher brain"- the thinking and processing parts.

 

Frontal Lobe This is the part of the brain behind the front of the skull. It is responsible for planning things. For making decisions. For inhibiting emotions appropriately.  It is the part of the brain you need if you want to make a sandwich and need to get out the ingredients and actually make the sandwich. I have seen people with brain injury be able to TELL you how to make a sandwich - but when they are standing there in front of all the ingredients, they cannot actually move to act to make it! They have frontal lobe damage. They can TELL someone how to make it. But they cannot themselves initiate doing it! As you can imagine, with therapy, and time to heal, this goes away. And we are a lot like this - but it goes away for us, too.  I could not organize my children't toys just 4 months ago.  Not a simple room of toys. I didn't know where to start and I literally could not mentally do it. I imagine this is partly why.  No frontal lobe GABA. And too much Glutamate.  But now, check out this post I"m typing.  Obviously that changed.

This calms down and these things come back.

 

Occipital Lobe This is the vision center. t's at the back of your skull.  In recovery, my nerves have been all wacked here. I see things as too bright - possible due to this lobe - and/or the actual visual nerves in the eyes.  But no doubt people "see things" that aren't there.  Vision is distorted. Things go blurry.  Colors are totally off.Brightness is off.  There are a hundred symptoms possible in vision alone!  But again - it's a matter of time.

 

Vestibular System This is the system of semi-circular canals in the inner ear that are responsible for making you feel balanced in space.  When this is "off" or damaged temporarily, you feel dizzy. Oh man, was I dizzy. Early off - I felt like I lived in a funhouse.  Over time, a combination of this vestibular system and my damaged visual system made things look like they were "leaning". To this day, one eye sees things "correctly" and the other eye sees things as SLIGHTLY leaning. And it's not that the eye itself is seeing them that way.  The healing vestibular system is working WITH the eye to "tell" the brain that that object looks like it is "moving left-wards" or "leaning". But it isn't.  In waves, this can happen bad - and then be GONE - poof - in a window. This is just the vestibular system healing. It's gotten WAY better.

 

Temporal Lobe  These lobes are on the side of your brain on each side near your ear. It makes up the whole left and ride side of your brain.  This is where auditory information is processed, including hearnig itself, but also the "Meaning" of what we are hearing, as well as part of speech and language, emotion, and buncha other stuff.  In early recovery, someone was talking to me and I couldn't tell you what they said past the first sentence.  My auditory processing was ALL messed up.  I couldn't picture what a person was saying to me in real time - and by the time I caught up to them, I was lost and they were talking about something else! Also - When I was laying there in bed, I could "hear" things that weren't there in the noise of my box fan. I'd hear the fan blowing -but I also "heard" like sickening circus music. I believe this is because there is noise coming into my ear - but my brain cannot adequately "prune" what it is hearing at differnet frequecies because there is not enough GABA to inhibit it to create something meaninful.  There was all this "noise" and my brain was just firing off glutamate.  So instead of actually "processing" the noise - it was firing off ideas about what it was hearing - and they were ALL wrong.  I would be hearing what sounded like circus music - and at the same time, my poor brain was looking through my hippocampus to find all the memories I ever had of being at the circus - and then I'm reliving those memories- and at the same time, my amygdala is getting fired upon - so I'm in fear. So I'm a quivering mess of a person laying in the bed hearing and seeing things and remembering times in my childhood and scared to pieces.  Seriously? Yes - I felt crazy. But not in my MIND.  It was my BRAIN.  It's the BRAIN.  And it's normal. The structures in the brain are "obligated" to work this way.

 

That brings me to my next point... WHY do all of us in benzo recovery have generally the same symptoms? Well - it may make you feel calmer to realize that our brain structures are NOT broken. They are doing EXACTLY what they are supposed to do under the circumstances.  And all of our perceptions of what we are seeing, feeling, hearing- are normal because the parts of our brains that are firing off are doing so because a) They still DO work. b) They work just as they were intended to. c) They are actually healing as all this firing is going on. 

 

Why the depression and anxiety? It's so complicated, but this WHOLE system is interdependent. At that SAME time as ALL this stuff is going on, the entire body is trying to heal in every place GABA and Glutamate naturally act (uh - and that would be - EVERYWHERE).

The intestines, stomach, eye balls, skin, toenails - seriously - where do we NOT have nerves? 

Anything we didn't have as a pre-existing condition is fair game for being affected by the recovery that takes place. 

This includes the body's own ability to make serotonin that is required to feel "balanced" and "happy". And you guessed it. This is not being made very efficiently in a building that is under major construction. So - you may get a day or so of feeling good - and then - boom - that's gone until you can make enough serotonin.

Oh - and by the way - serotonin HELPS TELL THE NERVES WHEN TO RELEASE GABA AND GLUTAMATE! Ha!

So on top of needing GABA to make serotonin, you need serotonin to regulate the release of GABA into the system! 

How much more interconnected can you get?  God - it's a wonder it knows how to heal at all!  But it does!  Amazing to me, really.

 

This is just some limited information to give an idea of what is going on in neurophysiology.  Obviously this is very cursory and not super detailed. But there is a bigger point here than "what parts of the brain are affected". 

The point REALLY is - IF  YOU KNOW that symptoms are tied to parts of a NORMAL brain under reconstruction, then you can begin to rest a little more easy in your mind that under the circumstances, the symptoms themselves are a GOOD sign. 

Without intrusive memories - as awful as they are - especially when mixed with fear - but without them, your memory itself would not heal.  It IS healing - and when you are having intrusives, try to think of it that way.  Tap your finger to your temple and say to yourself, "I know what this is. This is my hippocampus healing! Ha!" Because it IS.  And if it were NOT healing, you would not be having those symptoms.  ANY part of the brain or body that needs to heal is going to "experience" something in the form of symptoms - and you are going to notice that. But it is part of  process that is inevitably returning to the balance that it could not achieve while we were still putting those pills in our mouths.  (And if you're tapering, this is still happening - just likely with less trauma than with what happened to me when I cold-turkeyed.)

 

So - when you have symptoms - know that symptoms themselves are a way for you to know that healing is taking place.

 

And finally - realize that the DRUG is GONE.  This is withdrawal - yes - okay -we call it withdrawal -  but it's really "recovery".

The benzos are gone. The "evil drug" is no longer there.  The symptoms that are left are not the "enemy". That's our brains doing the EXACT right thing. What's happening to our brain at this point is not the "benzo beast" It's OUR BRAIN recovering.

Not to degrade anyone who calls it the benzo beast - I get that. But just so you know - you're not really fighting a beast.

You don't even need to fight it.  Just wait it out. All that reconstruction is happening on your building.

And soon - the frame will be back standing, stronger than before. The furniture will be inside. The elevators will go all the way up to the top again.  And the people can come and go and work like a well-oiled machine. 

Don't feel you need to fight the recontruction. It's just healing. And all that is happening to us is a sign of that.

 

Hope this helps somebody a little - or maybe a family member. 

 

And if you ARE a family member, please realize that those of us in recovery are no more in control of how we feel or what we experience than people who have undergone brain trauma in a car accident. Please be patient with us, because our brains are healing and we are in the process of reconstruction - and our function is temporarily enabled, then disabled, then enabled, then disabled again.  And that is totally normal and expected.  We can no more help that than a person can "want" to wake up out of a coma. It happens when the brain is able - and not out of sheer will.  But it does happen. So please stand by us and say loving things and reassure us every day. Notice our improvements and tell us what they are.  Encourage us when we feel good.  And when we don't, just hold us and hug us and tell us it will be okay.  Anything you would say or do for a family member that had had a car accident and a brain injury - please do that for us.  And be patient... we are getting there.

 

:)Parker

 

 

ADDENDUM

 

I got a great PM from a buddy asking "What about the physical symptoms of pain?" - and think it deserves some theoretical attention.

 

I want to take some time to add some theories about PAIN and physical symptoms such as burning, akathisia, and tingling, prickling, and things that happen during recovery of this nature.

 

I will also add this as an addendum to the original post on page 1.

 

First off, let it be said that I can only "theorize" as to this, - I am not a doctor.  But I DO think logical theories are helpful because they give us a story and mindful logic to cope with in the MEANTIME as we are going through this.

 

So these are multiple sources of information that I'm tying together - some are from nerve regeneration, and some are from what we know about "how the brain works".  And some or ALL of this is likely going on when it comes to pain and skin/muscle sensations:

 

First off - I think a good quote comes from a Plastic Surgery practice that has published things on "nerve regeneration after injury". 

 

The quote follows:

 

"The usual events associated with normal nerve regeneration can be painful. As the regenerating ends of the nerve, called sprouts, travel, they make contact with each other and with structural proteins. The neural impulses generated by this activity may be interpreted by your brain as pain. It should be expected that for the time period associated with nerve regeneration there may be pain sufficient to need therapy and/or pain medication. Just understanding that this is expected to occur, and is "good pain'; or pain for a good reason, is enough to help many people adjust to its presence.  This condition is not just one of pain, but is associated with over activity of the sympathetic nervous system, so that the area of pain is a different color, like pink or purple, and is usually a different temperature, like cooler, than the surrounding non-painful skin."  http://www.riversongplasticsurgery.com/pdfs/nerve_injury_nerve_reconstruction_recovery.pdf

 

Well- this article isn't talking about "benzo - related nerve damage. It's talking about nerve damage caused by physical trauma of crushing, cutting, or compressing nerves. But what can we glean from it nonetheless?

 

We can assume that if the sympathetic nervous system is involved in the presence of pain related to healing nerves - AND IT IS- that it is also NORMAL for us to have pain as we are undergoing healing.

 

When I was in earliest recovery, I would often get out of the shower and have pink spots all over my feet and my abdomen. At first they were bright pink for about 2 months - and then they faded out and I don't have them anymore.  I have no idea what they were - but they were NOT there 12 days prior to my rapid taper - and then they showed up.  The spots weren't symmetrical - they followed no pattern, but they were alway in the same place on my skin.  And only after getting out of the shower.  It is easy to see how the nervous system could be involved in skin redness, irritation, and weird feelings associated with recovery.

 

Likewise, throughout recovery, I've had and continue to have cooling, burning, prickling and occasional stabbing sensations. I've had it feel like my skin was "wet" when there was no water on it.  Again, though. This is all normal - and like the quote says above.."Just understanding that this is expected to occur, and is "good pain'; or pain for a good reason, is enough to help many people adjust to its presence."  It doesn't make the pain FEEL any better in the moment, but it does help us not to become anxious about it. It's normal.  And it's a sign of healing.

 

What about akathisia?

Well  - from the reading, the exact cause of akathisia is not 100% conclusive, but it seems to be related to dopaminergic and/or noradrenergic activity in the brain  (dopamine and norepinephrine or noradrenaline as it is also called). These are just neurotransmitters - and it doesn't look (to me) to be exactly conclusive WHY this happens - but akathisia can happen after the use of many psychoactive drugs- not just benzos - and likely because anything that alters brain chemistry can alter dopemine and norepinephrine. So - okay. That makes sense.  We all took "brain altering" drugs - and now some of us have akathisia.  Guess what?  It seems pretty normal!  It's not fun. But it's normal.  And it can come and go and then go away eventually.  For me, I didn't get akathisia at all until month 8. It was a surprise.  It was intense and awful. But it passed in a few weeks. Since then, I have had it off and on - but not to that degree.  And now - it's mostly just annoying.  Something as simple as a good hard cry in the bathtub can COMPLETELY remove it at times.  And other times, I just have to wait for a wave to pass. But all in all, from all this information - it's normal. And the fact that it's coming and going and I'm getting hit here and there - it's a sign that the wheels are turning up there in the noggin - and things are shifting and attempting to rebalance.  So if we can keep that quote in mind - it's normal - and while the sensation itself is very uncomfortable - if not painful - it can be regarded as a "good pain" if we are able to recognize that our feeling it means we have a brain and nerves that are regaining their abilities to function.

 

Likewise, as a scab heals over a wound, the new skin formin underneath can become "itchy". Why does this occur? Why does a scab itch?

 

"The itch of a healing wound is caused by the growth of new cells underneath the old scab. New skin cells would be growing underneath, and as they form a new layer of skin, then the scab becomes more tightly stretched over this zone of activity. This can make it feel itchy. The itch sensation for burn survivors may be a tingling feeling caused by nerves re-growing, or from dry skin caused by the lack of natural oil production since oil glands may have been damaged or destroyed by the burn. As the nerves grow and start to receive and send messages, they may create that itchy feeling. The skin in this area will be a lot less thick than everywhere else, so these new nerve cells will be under a lot more pressure. Itching is a sign of healing." (Mayo Clinic)

 

As we can surmise, the umpteen bajillion sensation we have going on are not 100% conclusive in their origins....HOWEVER...

There IS a trend.

 

From what it seems like from all the reading...

NERVE REGENERATION CAN CAUSE UNPLEASANT SENSATIONS. As counterintuitive as it is,  HEALING CAN FEEL LIKE HURT.

But it's NOT further hurt or damage. It's the REVERSAL of damage. 

 

Um  - yeah - okay. Great - but what do I DO about it.

 

Pretty much the things that I have discovered that help through this healing are to "CONFUSE" the nerves as much as possible, IF possible. 

What? Confuse the nerves?

 

You know how you get a cut or an insect bite and you immediately press on it to make it feel less painful? What you are doing when you press or squeeze the area is "desensitizing' the entire skin region of the cut by applying pressure to ALL the nerves in the area. That way, the ONE sensation of pain from the cut isn't the only thing your brain is feeling.  The pressure from pushing down on  ALL the nerves in the area helps to send multiple sensation to the brain to "counteract" the pain sensation.  And it works.

Similarly, other things can help "confuse" nerves:

-Heat

-Cold

-Deep Pressure

- Massage

-creams like "Icy Hot" with menthol

 

All of these things have helped me cope in recovery.

 

Let me take it one by one:

 

Heat: I took and STILL take hot baths almost every day. In the peak of akathisia, I lived in the tub.   As hot as I could stand it really helped me. All the heat was "overregistering" in my brain and I was unable to feel the akathisia as much when in the tub. It was confusing the nerve signal and it was temporary relief.  I hated those days. But I got through them.  Likewise, a heating pad for pain was my friend a lot of the time. 

 

-Cold -  I used a cold washcloth on burning skin - and on my face and hands - and kept dipping it in ice water and applying it.  This is an easy one, but it helped. I had a wave with 3 days of "fireface" last month and all I could do was apply the washcloth, lay there and think about how "this is healing" and keep going. But the wave passed.

 

Deep Pressure  I use a 15 pound weighted blanket to sleep. I have for YEARS. I ordered it online. It has many pockets with little plastic balls equally distributed to create a very heavy blanket that creates "deep pressure". This kind of pressure is calming for anyone's nervous system. Occupational Therapists use it for children with autism, but people with anxiety can benefit from sleeping with one. And in recovery, I was glad to have it.  I used it often together with a heating pad.  It took the edge off just long enough. 

 

Massage This one CAN be helpful - but sometimes not.  I used to ask my husband just to "press down" on my head or my legs.  Just press there. Don't rub.  My skin hurt too much to rub, but the deep pressure from pressing was helpful. Other times, the actual massage was a help for sore muscles.  I was too agoraphobic to schedule a REAL massage. LOL. But just this help from my family was nice to have.

 

Creams You're going to laugh, but there was a day that I put Vick's VapoRub on my face because my face was so HOT!  I figured if this is safe for my baby's skin, it's probably okay to try it on my face.  It worked! Oh man - my face felt SO good all day.  I used that for a few days until the wave passed.  I have also tried "Icy Hot" on my back when it was sore.  Things like this work on the same principal to "confuse the nerves".  If your nerves are too busy feeling the heat/cool of menthol, they cannot simultaneously feel "pain". So for a short time, the pain is not "felt" even though the "soreness" is technically still there.

 

All of these are ways I have coped.  I'm sure there are others you guys have used!!

 

The broad idea here is that

1) Healing is happening.

2) The sensations that feel like injury are NOT injury. They are the CORRECTION of nerve injury.  They just "fire off" as they heal.

3) We can use some things to cope.

4) It's going away in time.

 

I know this is not a "fix" to the feelings.  There is nothing anyone could say to me while I was IN pain that made the PAIN better.  All I could do was cope and cry and try to get through it.  But knowing it's normal and that I'm not getting worse; I'm getting better - is always something I benefit from knowing. 

 

I still get these symptoms - and I'll be SOOOOOO glad when they are gone.

 

Thanks to the Benzo Buddy that brought this up. 

 

:)Parker

 

Wonderful post! Thanks!  Will be printing out for reference. 

[[Ji...]]

This is just so wonderful. Thank you so so much for this post. This is such a re-assuring message. Im interested to see how you are doing. keep us up to date!