The Klonopin Klub

[[cm...]]

Rek,

thank you so much for the warm welcome.

Your message was ...what I needed today I guess. I am pretty stubborn by nature, so I will persevere. I mean, there is no other way...is there? It feels like going through hell most days, but I keep going.

I even forgot to mention the anxiety ...it's always there with me, in the back of my mind, peeking its ugly head whenever it wants. I honestly have days when my own shadow startles me.

I will most certainly give kitty a cuddle, she is a blessing in disguise. My husband ...I will never be able to repay him for all his love, support and understanding.

Blessings to you and everyone else here.

Amy

[[re...]]

Amy, I'm glad if my message was helpful!  Glad too that you have a stubborn streak that may help you get through this.  Kitties and kind husbands are definitely blessings.  I hope your anxiety fades and fades!

 

Intend--I think I saw posts from you quite a while back, so I knew you were out there.  I can't remember whether posts I saw from you before were at this thread or a different one, although this is the only one I keep in regular touch with anymore. 

 

Genoa, I am actually off benzos and Z-drugs totally, have been since the 9th of August.  I keep in touch with the Klonopin Klub, partly because I still have a few symptoms, and partly because I want to give back, if I can, to the online community that has helped me so much.  I am sorry you have all this stress, and the weight struggle on top of that.  While I was on clonazepam I had the opposite weight problem--for the first time ever in my life, unless you count eating-disordered days back in my teens and early twenties.  But since I successfully quit the benzos I'm back to fighting against weight gain.  It's a lifelong issue, I'm afraid.  I hope that, for you, once you are liberated from these drugs, you'll find that managing your weight the way you want to will become easier.  As for houses--ARGH!  Your life as a homeowner sounds very much like mine.  We don't have Nazi neighbors, exactly, but they are definitely jingoists and not always good at minding their own business, so they get on our nerves--and they share a party wall with us, which just adds to the fun.  The house itself is old and grubby, but a different kind of homeowner might manage that better than I do--I don't know.  Some days I just say to myself, "Look, you've got a roof over your head and enough to eat, so just deal."  And then I try to deal.  Anyway, back to you--I hope you don't have any more days coming up that are stressful the way Tuesday was!

 

Take care, all. 

 

Rek

[[In...]]

Well,

 

Thank you all for the welcome. I've been online too long today. Just got up feeling down and upset due to younger daughter and things with her kids. It's been a soap opera for literally 30 years with her and now her kids.

 

Didn't really bother me last night, but hit hard this am. Part of that am cortisol thing I suppose, but as I say, I always felt just so much better on once per day Xanax. Sometimes (often) wish I'd never messed with the whole thing. But time to move, clean, etc.

 

I dislike how I feel on K, but some of that is also still being on X (only .125 Mg now), but it holds me with it's lovely w/d sx, which are also going on full blast today.

 

Ok, I'm off to get busy.

 

Intend

[[ja...]]

Hi all, decided to make an appearance tonight, lots going on with my KK buddies 

 

I guess, coming up on 6 months (November 21) I might be the one off the Klonopin the longest currently active in our Klub. I'm wondering if I'm one of the ones who were on the longest, too (1992-2012). I guess my history is for viewing in the Success Stories ("I have crossed the Rubicon") but since we're doing a little disclosure, I'm in Sales and lived out in the Midwest for about 10 years before coming back here to NJ.

 

Like you, Intend, I was switched from Xanax to Klonopin, but when the Klonopin was a newer drug in 1997. I don't remember any w/d from the Xanax, except that I was always thinking that death was imminent. Every morning when I woke up, I wondered when I might die, and ran around the day in an absolute panic. I think that only dissipated in the later years of Klonopin (2006-2012?) when it was replaced with suicidal ideation - not caring if I was going to die. So I guess w/d from the X was mostly paralyzing panic.

 

You know why I like your rants, Rek? Because it shows how post-Klonopin you handle stress and everyday life. This is important for all of us to see! Keep on keepin' on, lady

 

Hey Amy! Welcome. We all had to barge in at one point or another  I read a bit of BenzoBuddies before I jumped and while the symptoms that I read about were scary, it was also comforting to read it as I was experiencing severe twitching, GI problems, yatta yatta blah blah. I'm sure you know exactly what I mean! I also stick around because I have hanging-on symptoms here and there and it's also comforting to keep reading how people overcome them, and so can I. My motto is always "Keep Fighting" because this is a true battle. I also have the best cat in the world...he's a Maine Coon and fell asleep on me about an hour ago and my husband measured him: 33 inches from nose to tail. My husband is also an angel...lol.

 

Gen - I hope things start to get better for you soon. I know life gets in the way of happiness, ironically. But all things considered, you're doing so great. You know I'm your cheering section 

 

As for me today, I had trouble catching my breath later in the afternoon today. I'm wondering if it may have to do with dropping blood sugar; on a whim I had a chocolate bar and felt a bit better but the whole ride home I felt like I was gasping. I was also a bit nauseous today. As I neared home I got more relaxed. Coincidence? Hm. Something to watch.

 

A software company is trying to recruit me out of my current position in insurance sales. Those of you who have been around a while might remember my work problems - I lost 30% of my income when the boss redid the commission structure. Hung on, though. I'm going to leave myself open to possibilities and see how that pans out.

 

Hugs all and I'm sure I'll see you tomorrow. 

[[re...]]

So good to hear from you, Jax.  And congratulations on this software company's courting you!  Regardless of what ultimately develops out of that, it's excellent to be sought-after: good for you!  Could you, by the way, use this as a bargaining chip with the company you currently work for, supposing you wanted to stay put?  Or would that be too risky?

 

Here in our corner of the woods, it's Stress Central!  Our basement problem, which was further complicated by an unforeseen plumbing issue, has metastasized into an outside-water-main problem, so we have no running water, and presumably won't until after Saturday, when we are going to have to fork over yet another wad of cash--just about as much again as the original basement work cost--to have the water main, not just repaired--apparently it's too complicated a job just to repair it, because the pipes run so close to those of our next-door neighbors--but REPLACED, and it's all a mess, because our yard is weirdly situated, and there are power lines that'll get in the way of the backhoe, and on and on and on . . . it just keeps getting worse.  But again, we are not dealing with a completely inundated house in Sandy's flood zone, so I should try to calm down and count my blessings.  Right?  Well, yes, in principle at least.  I want to meditate tonight--skipped it last night, was so exhausted--but am afraid I'm too overwrought to settle down to it.  Will try.  Will also breathe deeply.  STRESS, though--this is when I'd really like to take something for it, I have to admit.  And it's going to be hard to resist taking something for sleep, which I know is going to be elusive tonight; I suppose I could go back to Kavinace + melatonin, which I haven't taken in a while.

 

ARGH.  Well, in a few days we'll presumably have a functional house again.  We'll be numerous thousands of dollars poorer, but our house, although it will still be your basic hovel, will at least work properly again.  We hope . . .

 

Sorry for this self-centered ramble.  You guys are dealing with so much, and it's such a struggle, I know too well.  I ought to ask myself, would I rather be going through this present hassle, or would I rather be feeling the way I did last summer?  Last summer was truly my idea of hell.  This, by contrast, is unpleasant and inconvenient.  The difference is significant.  So get over it already, Rek!

 

I hope you can all relax in a warm place tonight, have a cup of tea or whatever soothes you, and sleep well.

 

Nervous Rek--maybe that should be my new moniker!  ;-)

 

 

 

 

[[cm...]]

Jax,

thanks for your kind words.

It's nice to hear from someone who has been through this and made it. I hope those minor symptoms are just a "fluke". You sound like you've had your share of trouble, you deserve to put all of this behind you and move on with your life. Like you said, it is comforting to some extent to know I'm not alone in this, or crazy...this site seems to have helped many, and I'd sure like to see myself out of the woods. I'm pretty realistic though and I know I have a long road ahead, but I won't give up.

Your cat is huge...how much does he weigh? I have a 3 mo old Ragdoll...4 lbs of playfulness, energy, and affection.

Good luck with the software company. I hope things will work out for the best.

 

Rek,

Sorry to hear about your basement problems. It's stressful to have to deal with anything that disrupts your "equilibrium", but it's only temporary. Like you said, try to relax, breathe deeply and hopefully things will look brighter tomorrow.

 

Have a relaxing, symptoms free evening everyone.

 

Amy

[[re...]]

Thank you, Amy--you are a sweetheart! 

 

Jax, I forgot to comment on your kitty: a Maine Coon--cool!

 

Good night, all -

 

Rek

[[ja...]]

End of the week. There IS a God.

 

OMG Nervous Rek...you crack. me. up. So glad you've got your sense of humor in all this. We live in an apartment complex, part of the reason being that I screwed up my credit beyond recognition while I was on the Klonopin. I have debts on debts. So, we may end up buying a condo someday (when my car is paid off - 2016, and then he gets a new car and when that's paid off - 2021) so it looks like I'll be in my early 50s before being a homeowner. Such is life.

 

Amy, a Ragdoll? Absolutely the 2nd best kind of breed . I've had my coon since he was about 10 weeks old, and interestingly got him for myself in 2001 when I was suffering from Klonopin stuff as well as you. He's been through the mill because of the alone mess I was in. I'm always so ashamed of how I treated him back when I was a druggie, but I try to make up for it now. I call him Gabriel, my angel.

 

It sometimes seems I have no lack of crappy Klonopin stories to relay to you all - please let me know if I ramble on too much. I just hope it helps a bit to know that someone else has been there?

 

So, on with the day. Slept really well last night again. We don't have plans this weekend, so I'm going to get off the rest of the Benedryl. Wish me luck!

[[li...]]

Hi everyone and welcome from me too.  I don't know what to add really because there seems to be so much going on in the club ............ basements, cats included. 

 

You made me laugh, Rek, with your use of the word 'metastasized' .  I never thought this word could be funny until the way you expressed it.  lol 

 

I think I'll focus on the meditation discussion a few posts back.  Yes, I find it can help pain as well as relaxation. 

I can't blame everything on clonazepam because I have had a cervical fusion on three discs, so pain and tightness can be an issue for me. 

Heat and meditation help.  In fact, I meditated so well the other day that I actually feel asleep.  Luckily, I was horizontal or this could have been awkward !! lol

 

All for now,

Take care everyone,

Lizie

[[re...]]

Hey, Jax and Lizie and everyone including their adorable cats!  I have to run in a minute, but wanted to say hi, and comment on meditation.  I actually managed it last night, and it helped!  I was vertical, not horizontal, though I have to say, Lizie, that I've enjoyed the little incidental naps that sometimes ensue upon a horizontal session.  I know I'm not really supposed to fall asleep, but sometimes, you know, it's "any port in a storm."  The storm being what these medications do to us, often including sleep-deprivation.  Glad YOU slept well last night, Jax--yea!

 

OK, gotta run, but thinking of you all, wishing you a good Friday and rest-of-the-weekend. 

 

Rek

[[In...]]

Well, I had early morning first aid training this am. Then had to get the snow tires on. Thinking of going to the movies as I usually do on Fridays.

 

Hubby is always willing to see my art films and whatever. Tomorrow, I have work both Saturday and Sunday. I'll be in bed early for sure tonight.

 

I don't do any meditation as I've had a lot of training  in deep breathing techniques due to throat obstruction and surgery. I find it to be very helpful for calming effect, although since I have yet to taper, what do I need to calm down from?

 

Well, I suppose it's that I have anxiety over being on benzos, and the taper ahead, and recovering potential, and just getting onto K completely. You all seem fairly "settled" and I definitely am not; not in my mind. I don't have peace of mind is what I'm saying.

 

So I'm ok right now about a lot of issues (nothing is ever fully ok), but this unsettled benzo cross will ease my mind when and if I get there.

 

Intend

[[re...]]

Intend, it's a strange catch-22 these drugs put us in.  They are prescribed for us ostensibly to ease things, to solve some problem that we're having, but then what happens if they create a new problem that's worse?  This was how I felt about it: I felt caught in a vicious cycle--trapped.  I wasn't trapped--there WAS a way out, but I had to struggle pretty hard to find my way through it.  The thing is that it can be done.  As for being settled, though--well, maybe . . . yes and no.  In some ways, I feel a little lost without the chemical coping mechanisms.  It used to be that if I was having trouble sleeping I could take Xanax--once in a while--for sleep only.  This is no longer the case, because I'm now frightened of what ANY benzodiazepine may do to me.  I certainly won't take clonazepam again, after the disaster of this past summer, but I don't dare take Xanax anymore, either, and knowing that I don't have that recourse sometimes feels like a bleak place to be--the more so, certainly, in the small, dark hours of the morning, when I'm the only one awake in the house and my mind is going a zillion miles an hour pursuing things I know it's pointless to lie there being so obsessive about.  I'm sure you know only too well what I mean.  And yes, when benzodiazepine management becomes a new and troublesome challenge in your life, then it's yet one more thing to have anxiety about: that vicious cycle again.  But it's not a locked cycle, and you CAN find your way out, and I'm sure you will.  As you've already discovered, it'll take a lot of patience.  Lots of people here will help as much as they can.

 

Sleep well.

 

Rek 

[[Sk...]]

Hey All!  Still doing well.  I am doing alright.  Hope you all re too! 

[[In...]]

Skyzone,

 

Good for you! You're such a positive person. It makes me feel good.

 

Intend

[[In...]]

Rek,

 

I haven't been off Xanax since 2001. I didn't know for sure until my doctor looked it up last June. I'd never used it before that. Sometimes I slept well before that and other times I didn't. I had never used a sleep aid before that.

 

But my Dx for Xanax was anxiety. I had a whole concurrent series of events hit me at once: husbands TBI, 16 year old daughters pregnancy, me going back to school, and a rare throat disease that closed my trachea to 5% of normal. It all started in 1992, and it was one thing after another with me in charge of my husbands rehab, my 2 teenagers, my degree program, my husbands legal case, and in 1997, the first of 14 throat surgeries to keep my throat open.

 

I can see why my doc thought I was overwhelmed. I don't remember feeling that way, but my oldest daughter says I was really struggling. So for me, it's a long history with plenty of issues. But as you say, now having these drugs cause me so much trouble, it's just too much. And so far to go. Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed like I must have been then. I appreciate your support.

 

Intend

[[ja...]]

I hear you too, Intend. In 1990 was when I had a lot hit me too - 2 near-death experiences and the beginning of the gulf war while I was in the middle east. I had enough trouble getting over that, but in 1992 I went back to the middle-east to spend a year there - I thought somehow it would be ok - but I ended up having a breakdown. I was only 22 at the time and pleaded with my parents to let me come home and live with them, but their exact quote was "If you come back, you will have nowhere to go and nowhere to live." So I stayed there and that's when I started Xanax. So the journey begins.

 

Morning, Rek - you better not better be up right now because I know we're on the same time zone and you were up 5 hours ago. I think. Unless BB has a screwy time system. Regardless! Have a wonderful day anyway.

 

Thanks for checking in, SkyZ How are the rest of yous?

 

Yesterday was really sad for me...I finally got to see videos of my favorite place down the shore - Bradley Beach. So quaint and cute and green, mini golf course and gazebo. It's absolutely, completely gone. I guess what's macabre about it is that the gazebo is the only thing still standing. I guess if there is any beauty to be had on the shore at this point, it is that we are able to see it as it was, before humans ever touched it. And that, with beautiful blue water, might be kind of pretty next summer? So much of NJ is passionate about the shore, so I'm willing to bet that in 10 years it will be as it was again. Maybe Booklamp has thoughts on this (Brooklyn), or Brian (NYC).

 

Really great thing is that I slept with no Ambien or Benedryl last night, finally, since when I re-injured my toe. Yay! Also I think I lost a pound or so. I'm on Weight Watchers. I gained 80 pounds on Xanax & Klonopin and lost 60 (poverty), then gained 30 back. So hopefully this will work.

 

This weekend should be beautiful in the Northeast. Enjoy, everyone! 

 

 

[[Sk...]]

I had a panic attack and took 1mg xannax, in addition to my regular 2mg k.  I feel kind of bad, but can't stand those panic attacks.  Greetings Rek, Jax and Intend and the rest of the klubbers!  I start my titration in a few days.  I am actually looking forward to it.

 

-SkyZone- 

[[re...]]

Hey, SkyZone, Intend, Jax, and all -

 

Ouf, well, Jax, my dear, I was in fact up around 6:30, after lying awake for 90 minutes or so worrying about the Invasion of the Monstrous Backhoe that was slated for today (and is now almost done, thank goodness).  But I only really need about six hours of sleep, especially if it's good, solid sleep--which last night it was, so I was/am OK.  I think BenzoBuddies must be set on Greenwich Mean Time. 

 

Intend, Jax, and everyone--it's amazing to read about people's histories here.  I do a lot of walking (incidental exercise, I call it: never drive if I can walk, never take an elevator/escalator if it's possible to take stairs), in the light and in the darkness.  I pass houses--shuttered, open, lit up, dark--and think about the lives being led behind those doors and walls.  We have no idea, really--so little sense of what even our nearest neighbors may be going through, or the histories, the losses, they may be trying to overcome.  I have been blessed.  I've been through some tough times, but nothing, really, like the kind of PTSD-producing material so many other people have had to process.

 

SkyZone, you seem to be perking along pretty well--I hope it stays steady for you . . . or rather, improves and improves  . . . well, YOU know what I mean!

 

My husband needs help finding something in the kitchen--better go . . . !

 

Have a lovely day, all -

 

Rek

 

 

[[Ly...]]

Hi skyzone, jax, rek and the whole gang

How's everyone's weekend . An amazing thing happened to me yesterday . There was a part of the day I didn't feel like spaced out , hyperaware dizzy crap!

It's the first real window I've had in I don't know how long where I was wasn't hyperaware of my head the whole day ... It's giving me some small ounces of hope that maybe there is a way out of this shit.

It's weird how one day you feel one way and the next it's. a totally different depersonalized thing .im even noticing that some mornings my morning anxiety isn't as bad as other days .

I'm still waking up at 6 am sharp like I always have since I came off geodon in September but hopefully as I heal it will start to get better

 

I wish u all an awesome saturday

[[re...]]

Lynn, that is GREAT!  We take the good moments and run, because yes, it can be a roller coaster.  My experience, though, is that the ups and downs, the plummets and soars get progressively less vertiginous, and life becomes steadily more manageable.  May it be so for you, Lynn, and for everyone navigating this difficult course.

 

Jax, I meant to say congratulations on a night's sleep Benadryl-free!  That's a coup, with more such to come, I do hope for you -

 

Warm thoughts to all -

 

Rek

[[br...]]

Hey K-Klub:

 

Just checking in.  It's been more than 2 weeks since cutting from 2.5 mg K daily to 2 mg daily.  It's silly but there is something satisfying about taking only 2 fully intact 1 mg pills a day - instead of a pill and my attempts at even split or quartered pills.  I cut my daily dose in half (from 4 mg a day to 2 mg a day) in less than 3 months.  It feels like an accomplishment but I intend to stay at my current dose for 3 months to really stabilize.  Like I've said before I'm not in a benzo-free race.  Time and small cuts are my friends in this process.

 

I had a somewhat crazy couple weeks - just like a lot of people with Sandy and blizzard and general w/d.  I am looking forward to some normalcy in the next 3 months.  I need to get some finances in order, get back to AA meetings, go back to the meditation meetings, go back to acupuncture, and stop isolating myself.  I also want to try and start the process of cooking nice meals for myself.  I guess the goal is balance.  I can't control the work environment but hoping I can respond to it in a way that creates less stress for me.  I have been feeling anxious and a bit out of it.  I am hopeful that I will start to feel better soon.  As you guys know; acute w/d can put everything else in your life on hold.  I need some of the things that make life enjoyable soon.

 

Hoping everyone is well, especially those still affected by Sandy.  My thoughts are with you all.  Be well.

 

Brian

[[re...]]

Brian, I know you're dealing with enormous challenges, but somehow you always sound so calm!  You really seem to know what you're doing with this process--seem to know yourself well.  I can certainly imagine that it's been nuts this past couple of weeks; normalcy, indeed, would be nice, eh?  We're dealing with some stuff here, not hurricane related, but disruptive, and I'm pretty tired of it.  Things may settle soon--at least we have running water again.  Anyway, I'm sure you can keep steady--not being in a race is a good way to go.  Keep the faith!

 

Rek

[[In...]]

Well,

 

Im home from work. Will be getting up at 4:30 am again and it already 8:30 pm here. I do 10 hour shifts of crisis intervention for families and children having trouble. It takes its toll on me. Im a literal zombie ususally by this time, but wanted to say that all seem to be doing well on this blog. Thats very encouraging to read of those successfully tapering, even with a bump or two, and those who are off and genuinely healing.

 

Gives me great hope.

 

Intend

[[Su...]]

Hi every Klubber on BB,

I need your help. I'm really struggling today and think I might need to start taking a benzo again. I jumped from 0.125mg of klonopin 50 days ago. I never took Valium. I'm so COG FOGGED that I can't work out how much Valium I would need to get rid of these shockingly horrible w/d symptoms. Can anyone help me figure it out? Do I times .125mg by 30?

Thanks so much in advance!

Love Sun

 

[[Su...]]

I know most of you (if not all) live in a completely different time zone to me and I just couldn't hold out. I just took a tiny, weeny amount of klonopin- never thought I would ever weaken and take K again!

I have no idea how much valium that tiny bit of K would be.

I've regretted not switching over to Valium and doing the Ashton taper- Does anyone think I can do the Aston taper now-- having spent 50 days on no benzo whatsoever? Has anyone else done this on BB?

Tomorrow I need to find a new doctor and get a script for Valium.