The Klonopin Klub

[[je...]]

Hey Jerry,

 

Sorry to see you're struggling, but let me see if I can remember this correctly: you reached a peak of 2.25mg K.  You began your taper last November and you're now at around 1.3mg.  (I already forgot - wish they'd put taglines in summaries  )  So you've reduced your dose by almost 1mg in 8 months.  That's really cruisin' along.  Cutting every two weeks worked really well for me, but after jumping it's taking a little bit longer than two weeks to recover.  It's important to find a balance of cut size and hold time.

 

A tool I always considered to have at my disposal was slowing down A LOT instead of holding for longer, or worse, up-dosing.  My symptoms were still pretty bad when I began my titration, but my first cut was switching from tablets to K solution.  Then I made 1% cuts every two weeks for a couple cuts.  I increased it from there as I became more comfortable.  In the end, I found I could cut by volume and not by percentage, which was why I was able to move so quickly at the end of my taper.

 

Also keep in mind that 1mg K = 20mg Valium.  This can help put things into perspective.  If I recall correctly  , that would be 26mg Valium equivalent for you.  When you consider this, 0.25, 0.5 and 1mg K don't sound like such small doses.

 

I don't see any problem with switching from time dosing to direct tapering.  They both decrease blood levels of the drug, so I think for convenience's sake, you'll be just fine with a direct taper.  But if you're not feeling well now, maybe consider slowing down for a while. 

 

I should clarify that I'm still quite a way from feeling 100%.  I just had a really rough week last week and now feel like I'm on the up-swing, although I'm a bit more lethargic today than I was yesterday.  But that's the nature of this withdrawal - unpredictable.

 

Best of luck to everyone. 

 

~D

 

Thank you for those insights and experience based suggestions, Deinoncote. 

 

Today my worse fears have come about.. I have been ok at fighting off the psychological symptoms, which are what

got me on this stuff back last September (Ativan first).  The pain, the psychological pain is impossible to describe,

and when I try I'm always asked by my therapist or my doctor if I feel like I'm going to commit suicide.  So, I guess

they have heard these same words from people who end up doing that or trying to.

 

I don't know what to do.  I'm in a hellish catch-22 in that I cannot take anti-depressants because they tried that and

it made me aggressive and totally "out there," no touch with reality.  Thus the benzos.

 

I was doing ok... I was spacing the Clonazepam doses a bit farther apart every few weeks .. then at 6 hours apart

we agreed on cutting.  So I cut 10% by weight with a microgram scale.. that was on the 2nd of July.  Went ok for

the first week, then I started feeling the Hell feeling coming on, but able to fight it off in some ways... walking,

bike riding, therapy techniques, etc. 

 

Now those things fail and the feeling just sits on me and I don't know what to do as the thing of going back up

to an old dose really scares me..

 

I see my therapist and doc both at different times this coming Thursday.

 

Thank you again for reading my post and offering your thoughts.

 

- Jerry

[[De...]]

Hi Jerry,

 

Because K has a potentially very long half-life for some people, (50hrs) it's possible those time taper cuts take longer to creep up on you than a straight cut in dose.  Don't worry about holding for a while.  You WILL begin to stabilize on your current dose.  I think your cuts stacked up in each other, which can be hell.  But think about what things were like during your time taper vs. now, the spacing between cuts and when the sxs would begin to effect you.  I'm sure you can figure it out.

 

K can also have a very short half-life - in which case, sxs escalate as you approach your next dose.

 

Just some things to think about.  The fear makes decisions difficult, but I found that even with that fear, I could do a lot of research and review my health notes and make a good decision for myself on how to proceed.  BTW, if you're not keeping health notes, you probably should.  I've kept daily notes on my sxs throughout this entire process, and it's been invaluable.

 

The psychological sxs are certainly the worst.  Staying active is probably the best thing for it.

 

I'm so tired today!!!! I slept for 10 straight hrs, but I just want to go back to bed.  And I'm a skinny person trapped in a fat person's body.  My sxs are really mimicking hypothyroidism AND I HATE IT!!!

 

Best of luck to everyone.  :)

 

~D

[[De...]]

Oh, and it looks like you cut 0.2mg from 1.5 to 1.3?  That's a 13% cut, which may have been just a little over the line for you.

[[je...]]

Hi Jerry,

 

Because K has a potentially very long half-life for some people, (50hrs) it's possible those time taper cuts take longer to creep up on you than a straight cut in dose.  Don't worry about holding for a while.  You WILL begin to stabilize on your current dose.  I think your cuts stacked up in each other, which can be hell.  But think about what things were like during your time taper vs. now, the spacing between cuts and when the sxs would begin to effect you.  I'm sure you can figure it out.

 

K can also have a very short half-life - in which case, sxs escalate as you approach your next dose.

 

Just some things to think about.  The fear makes decisions difficult, but I found that even with that fear, I could do a lot of research and review my health notes and make a good decision for myself on how to proceed.  BTW, if you're not keeping health notes, you probably should.  I've kept daily notes on my sxs throughout this entire process, and it's been invaluable.

 

The psychological sxs are certainly the worst.  Staying active is probably the best thing for it.

 

I'm so tired today!!!! I slept for 10 straight hrs, but I just want to go back to bed.  And I'm a skinny person trapped in a fat person's body.  My sxs are really mimicking hypothyroidism AND I HATE IT!!!

 

Best of luck to everyone.  :)

 

~D

 

Thank you again.  You're encouraging with you knowledge (as are so many here.. I thrive off of so many of you).

 

Get some good sleep, my friend. 

 

I have a question and I think I may have to Google around for the answer, but asking in here may yield an answer.

 

I am sizing my doses with a method that is very precise as to the weight on my new microgram scale.  The method

I use is to first cut the .5mg Clonazepam tablet a little bit;  as close as I can to the end up size I need of .338mg

(which is .116mg actual weight on the scale).  Then I use a rough nail file/emory board to fine-tune the size.

 

I am hoping that my rubbing the tablet piece on the emory board is not affecting the chemical.. I'm hoping that the

heat from the friction of rubbing, which I can feel on the tablet, is not deteriorating the tablet to a false low dose.

 

Any thoughts? 

[[ho...]]

Hi Everyone,

 

Welcome to all new Buddies! My hope is that will all find a tapering system that you are comfortable with...that you go slow to avoid unmanageable symptoms...and that you hang in there during the tough times. There is nothing wrong with holding until you feel you can precede.

 

coralashley: I think it's just wonderful that you are helping your Mom. Your plan sounds good to me.

 

Day 15 since I jumped. Day 8 was bad, 9 better, 10 til now very, very good. It was well worth the time it took to taper. I suppose I'll never know what I have spared myself from, as far as symptoms, by going slow. But for sure I know this...Back in January when I cut .5 K from my 1mg. dose it was really bad. I never though I would be grateful for that hellish experience but I am. I am because it gave me perspective for the rest of my taper. I knew I didn't want to suffer like that ever again, so that helped me to be patient with titrating slowly. Also it helped me to get through the withdrawal symptoms that I had during taper. I could always tell myself..."Yeah, this sucks but it sure isn't as bad as it was in January."

 

The last week or so I have had a new symptom, very annoying. My skin feels like I'm being bitten by a bug or like I'm being poked by a hot needle. Also I have been very itchy. My skin isn't dry. More fun I guess. Also in the last week I've been waking up to anxiety. This happened back in Jan. also. I feel really nervous for the first couple hours after waking up then it goes away.

 

Some day all of this will be behind ALL OF US. I'm so grateful for BB.

Wishing windows of peace and joy for all!!!

hopeful2013

 

 

[[re...]]

Good evening, folks -

 

Jaxy, you ARE our favorite Jersey girl . . . but so sorry you're frustrated . . . and also glad you did NOT end up back on Klonopin.  I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say that. 

 

Your mother . . . wow.  I was lucky with my mother (except that she died in 1995, with so many of my questions still unanswered, too many of them not yet even thought of), and I'm often reminded HOW lucky when I hear other people's stories.  Yours is by no means the first, and I'm sure it won't be the last, horror story I've encountered about mothers who, instead of supporting their daughters and being there for them, cut them down and, in effect, abandon them.  It's not you, it's her--THAT much is loud and clear.  I wonder sometimes whether mothers who are mean to their daughters are secretly envious of them, and that's the root of the problem.  I don't know--this is armchair psychobabble, but the point is YOU are not what your mother treats you as.  She must be deeply unhappy, or she wouldn't feel the need to be so cruel. 

 

I second Jax's cheer for the jumper-offers--Deinoncote, I remember the first messages of yours I saw here, when you were still in the grip of the drug regimen, and you were scared and uncertain.  I know there are still challenges ahead, but how inspiring to see your progress.

 

And, as always, I don't mean to leave anyone out--I just can't manage to keep my fingers on all the strands these days.  I'm always here cheering for you guys, though.  And still working through stuff myself, too--I'm at that point where it's harder and harder to tell whether things that bother me are benzo-related or connected to something else.  I guess I'd rather have things be that way, since what it means is that I'm at least not in the constant grip of the benzo-syndrome.  And I look forward to everyone's progressing toward, and achieving, similar liberation.

 

Ouf, the heat.  It flattens me.

 

Good night to all -

 

Peace,

 

Rek

[[Ju...]]

To anyone who is doing a reasonable taper and still finding it unmanageable:

 

http://www.benzosupport.org/reason_for_a_diazepam_taper.htm

 

Especially see the part about klonopin at the bottom. I tried many times to get off klonopin, unfortunately by the time I learned the right way to do it I was so sensitive to it (kindled?) that even a slow taper wasn't working. After switching to Valium I have some jittery days and some depression, headaches but nothing like the torture of tapering klonopin (for me).  Everyone's definition of manageable depends on their own situation and their own resources, but if you feel like you are hitting a wall and want to give up, just know that this is an option if you have a doc who will support the prescribing. Maybe just knowing more about it as a backup plan will help maintain confidence.

 

Take care everyone. Thanks for visiting Rek!

 

JKS

[[De...]]

JKS - thank you for posting that, I wasn't aware of it.  That's very helpful.

 

Jerry - I don't think filing your tablet is degrading the chemical.  I read on here a lot that leaving a dose in water or in direct sunlight can denature it, but I used a K solution until it was gone.  So when I was at 0.1mg, one pill in water lasted 10 days.  I would have felt it had it denatured.  I don't think the chemical is as unstable as even some pharmacists would suggest.  If that were the case, I would have been taking virtually nothing at certain points during a two-week period.  I think I would be in hell right now.

 

Rek - good to hear from you, and glad you seem to be doing well.  If you're not here much, we'll assume you're just getting on with your life and everything is as it should be. 

 

Hopeful - your experience has been very similar to mine.  I wish we'd connected a little sooner.  My withdrawal hell was last August, and I'm so grateful I made it through the rest of my taper without experiencing that again.  I'm so glad to see you're doing well.  I think I'm on the up-swing as well, but it may be a few more weeks of recovery time.

 

I was having a good day and it went downhill very quickly.  I made it to the gym and did a full routine, which I feel very good about.  I went to the grocery store, fixed dinner and took my dog on a good walk.  But I'm managing my softball team again this year, and I'm finding that to be a mistake.  I decided to increase my dose of testosterone today by 1mg.  It did exactly what I wanted it to do - I had the energy to do things and the crazy appetite went away.  But I also got some mood volatility with it.  I started to panic when people started texting me that they wouldn't be at the game tonight.  I miscounted and thought we had to forfeit.  So I told everyone not to show up.  The sponsor called, also my best friend, and started bitching at me.  Full-blown panic attack.  She understands I'm struggling and softened her tone before calling the league and letting them know.  Too late, though.

 

Anyway, we would have had enough people, just short a person.  Still able to play the game, just bad chances for a win.  Even without me there after my panic episode, we could have played an 8-person line-up.  I'm trying not to beat myself up about it too much.  It's really hard to think straight anyway, plus this added anxiety and agitation.  I'll take it over feeling sluggish and sick, though.

 

:'( :'( :'(

 

Not a very good ending to my day.  First panic attack in a year.  Almost exactly a year.

 

I'm going into Week 4 Post-Jump.  I wish I was doing a bit better, but I'm very happy to be fully active again.

 

 

[[je...]]

You sound great, Deinoncote.  Your explanations and knowledge coming across sounds like a person

quite "together," if you know what I mean.

 

The panic attacks, which I don't have and don't understand, sound like anxiety run wild for a temporary

time.  It must be great to come out of them;  a reminder each time that your brain knows what to do and

how to do the right thing after a while. 

 

Thanks for the vote of confidence on the filing down of my Clonazepam tabs.  I also searched around

and did find a site where a guy was talking about using that method for Xanax and the site is basically

about tapering any benzo with that method (which I am growing to like).

 

I feel better today... my "Hell Times" usually start late morning and last until early evening, and I've had

just a slight hint of it today after four days in a row of long long long struggling (14th day of cut from

1.5 in "time tapering" to 1.3 per day in cutting then filing the tabs  and weighing with microgram scale).

 

Thank you again, Deinoncote.. it's always good to see your writings in here.  Many others as well. 

 

Great site.  To say the least. 

[[ha...]]

mockingbirdgirl

 

I'm sorry you are going through what you are going through although your story brought me some relief because I am going through some of the same things.

 

I have been klonopin free now for about 4 months and I am having terrible gastrointestinal problems. My husband always told me I had an iron stomach but for the last several months I have felt like I'm dying.

 

I also have terrible aches in my hips, lower back, and legs.

 

I too think the physical pains are much harder to endure than the psychological ones.

 

My anxiety concerning my phsical health is so over the top I have a hard time living.

 

From reading other posts it seems like these problems will eventually fade. I can't wait!

 

hang in there!!!!

 

 

[[...]]

Hi folks... Jaxy... don't think you are alone... I was always the hired help in my mom's eyes... not anymore... I had to let some people go in my life.  She's happier and I'm definitely happier not trying to live up to her expectations anymore... my father had made me executor of his estate and I've got to tell you ... I've been executor twice and its not a job you really want... they can't take whatever you inherit from you and you can't really get any more if you are ... its just a lot of work and headache.  You can trust people to be how they are... just be glad you have a great new place and a man who loves you and let the heartache go... I know its not a great feeling to be an emotionally abandoned child (adult) but accepting it and moving on has some nice perks.  Rek, good to hear from you. 

Well, somebody gave me the idea that Iwas near to being able to jump... but I'm not.... I cut 10% of my current dose... maintaining that regimen, where I am now... I'll be done in about exactly another year.  I talked to aweigh who kindly made me understand why I can't start doing bigger cuts now.  10% of .009 is a bigger chunk than 10% of .5.  I'm getting discouraged but I don't know what I can do about it... I'm too scared to cut too much and I'm petrifiled the doc is going to cut me off before I finish... just keep gettingas low as i can go I guess.  I so want this to be done. i did get the cuts calculated  so that's done.  On the positive side, its been a good week.  My son was home and we went to see my brother today.  I haven't really been out to visit anyone in months.  Very hot day, but a wonderful visit.  Hope everyone is finding a way to cope.  About panic attacks, I never had one before I started tapering this time.  None of my previous tapers, not while on it... not my whole life... I get them now but they are releasing their grip a little lately.  JerryC... I agree, I can't see how filing the plls would affect the dr. in them.  i don't file... sounds like a great idea... i use a very sharp little knife and shave it down to what I need. 

[[ad...]]

Just checking in.  I reduced my taper to .125 every two weeks, which seems to work for me.  I've been getting back to the basics in my Yoga studies, reading the Yoga Sutras and what not.

[[La...]]

Hi everyone,

 

It's laelani, I'm the one who had a failed ativan taper & am now on 1.25 mg of klonopin. I got very sick on my last taper & had to updose, which never worked, then got switched to klonopin by my doc. He's trying to get me stable before I start tapering again. I've had a hell of a time trying to get stable though. I suffered extreme weight loss, & developed a ton of fear from my failed taper. I became agoraphobic, & basically very depressed....can't even function normally as a mom.

It's like I have PTSD. So my doc won't allow a taper yet, even though he knows how badly I despise being on the meds...including remeron. I'm eating again & sleeping due to the remeron but my quality of life is extremely poor. Doc says I must be back at baseline to taper, which means where I was before I started the taper. I just don't know how I can get back there mentally. A I think about is coming off these meds. I hate them & I hate what they've done to me. I want off desperately but I'm afraid at the same time. If I follow this docs orders I have no idea when I can start tapering. I asked him how he would taper me & he said he would use neurontin & possibly iderall to help with the symptoms. I don't know if I want to use a bunch of other meds to do this. I'm seeing another doc on Monday to get a 2nd opinion who uses the Ashton method & has a lot of experience with benzo withdrawal. Not sure what he'll say but wondering if I can get some input on this.

Not sure which way to go with it. My doc is a psychiatrist/ addiction specialist, & he says I have way too much anxiety to be tapered now & he uses other meds to help ease the withdrawal. But them I'd have to taper those meds. And wait till I'm completely at "baseline" to start a taper.,

Frankly I get sick everything I have to put a pill in my mouth which is 3 times a day now. I used to take ativan only at night to sleep for about 7 years. I don't want to stay on K any longer than necessary. I feel these meds are making me worse. Even though I have improved.

Don't know what I should do....need some help & advice please.....also what's the best way to taper k?

 

Thanks so much for your time,

Laelani

[[...]]

Laelani: It's just my opionion but I think you are one of the lucky ones who has a doc who seems to know what's going on.  That's great.  I know I would encourage the same.  You can't taper and not be down regulating your anxiety on a level that is not drug related.  I don't think it will work.  Its too much strain for your CNS... you want a benzo savvy doc and it sounds like you have one... I'm strugging wl/ how much longer this is going to take but I know if any one sx gets too out of wack... I'll be stuck in my tracks.  I truly believe this is not a drug we can play w/... I asked some questions hoping for answers I didn't get but I was able to listen to good advice and know that I need to go slow.. and I was able to see today that all the anx. I've been feeling about this has been related to the fact that I had to call the doc and order another script.  I'm always so petrified she's  going to say... okay... I've gone along w/ this long enough... but she has hung in there w/ me and for that I am most grateful.  I persevere. 

[[...]]

and Sky! I remember the first time I read your story.  I remember thinking you were someone who needed a lot of prayer and to see you now....    :angel: watching over you    yep!  you were one of the first people I communicated w/ on here.  Its is such comfort to me to know you are out there and persevering.   

 

[[La...]]

Njoy,

 

I'm just worried about having to taper so many other meds on top of the K.

I see you're taking neurontin, does this help you in any way shape or form? He said he'd probably use iderall too at the later stages which is a beta blocker. Just not sure about that either.

The other doc would be using the Ashton method....not sure if he'd use other meds but I will know on Monday.

July let me know abou neurontin & how that helps....anyone else use iderall?

Please the more thoughts & opinions would be graciously appreciated....this is hanging over my head like a ton of bricks. Also need thoughts on whether you think staying on the meds while trying to get to "baseline" is important, or will it make things even worse by adding more time to staying on benzos. This has been really, really tough....I don't like feeling drugged up by the k all the time.

It can be depressing....but all my family & friends say I need to listen to this doctor & wait. Just unsure, & would love to have some sort of life back even if I have to stick it out & stabilize. It's a hard decision to make.

 

Thanks,

Laelani

[[...]]

stick it out and stabilize... now there's an expression we can keep handy.

[[La...]]

So Njoy,

You think I need to stick it out & stabilize before I verge on a new taper? Even though I hate being on the drugs? Can you give me some reasons why? Also what about Neurontin....still wondering how its helped you with withdrawal?

 

Thanks,

Laelani

[[Mo...]]

hey klubbers,

 

quick check in! Physically I am 4/10, mentally 6/10. Random pains are well...random lol. Weird new symptoms I am having is I get this feeling like I have been punched in the gut. That entire abdomen deep pain when you get a good shot to your solar plexus. Seems to be more prevalent right after I take my vitamins in the AM. Weird. Hope everyone is doing well.

[[dr...]]

Hey guys, quick check in here too. I've been tapering down 0.1 mg of K every 7-8 days (I know it's kinda fast, but it has been working). The day I taper is always the worst. I always get severe derealization episodes and depression ~6-8 hours after taking my dose (I take it as soon as I get up). During the depression part, I always find myself thinking thoughts similar to "Will I always be randomly feeling like this? Will the derealization go away? I don't want to live any longer if this persists my entire life." It's really harsh and I journal out all of my feelings. The depression only persists the first night. Usually on my 2nd day of the tapered dose, the depression doesn't come back until I taper again. The derealization episodes still happen randomly, usually once a day. But, as I said, they're not as bad as the 1st day of the tapered dose. I still wish they wouldn't happen--they're really bizarre and cause great paranoia. Sometimes I don't know how to handle them. A lot of times I kinda feel like I'm on "auto-pilot" during them and that I'm missing out on my life. But, as I said...they don't happen the entire day. Just once usually. I'm thankful for that. Going on vacation next week to the beach. Hopefully that helps me relax.

 

Cheers

[[Sk...]]

and Sky! I remember the first time I read your story.  I remember thinking you were someone who needed a lot of prayer and to see you now....    :angel: watching over you    yep!  you were one of the first people I communicated w/ on here.  Its is such comfort to me to know you are out there and persevering. 

 

Thank You... 

 

-SZ-

[[re...]]

Yup, Sky, I second NJoy's and Jaxy's thoughts--you've come a long way! 

 

Njoy and Deinoncote, thank you for the shout-outs.  Deinoncote, two brief things--one is that, yes, you are right that my diminished presence here is in some essential way a good thing, because it does mean that life can be, and in my case has been, restored to some semblance of normalcy.  And I WISH THAT FOR EVERYONE HERE, as I keep saying, and will keep saying.  The other thing, Deinoncote, is please don't beat yourself up about anything at all.  A mistake like the one you described could happen to anyone, on or off benzos, and I'm sorry your friend found it necessary to give you a hard time about it.

 

NJoy, I'm glad you said what you did both about mothers and about being executor of an estate.  It seems to me that I've seen among my friends more dysfunctional mothers than otherwise, so you and Jaxy definitely are not alone.  And, although I've never been executor of anyone's estate, I have an idea of what goes into it, and am very glad that my much more financially sensible sister has been assigned that task in our family, though I hope she won't have to fulfill any such function for a good long while yet, since in some ways it is only in the past ten or fifteen years that my relationship with my father has really become a healthy and mutually nurturing one, and I'd like both of us to be able to enjoy that for as long as possible.  (He was fantastic when I was going through benzo hell last summer--he called me every single night to check on me, although he is in his nineties and not without his own complaints.)  On another subject, have you gotten out on the water yet?

 

 

My warmest wishes to all, as ever -

 

Peace,

 

Rek

 

[[...]]

Rek: I miss my dad.  He was the heart my mother could not express.  :'(  dreamstate:  everything you are experiencing is normal for this experience... its just a matter of sticking it out and keeping out of situations where the worst of your sx can take over.  Its a long haul but a journey well worth taking.  We will get our lives back!!!  I believe this as strongly as I believe the Earth will turn another day.  Mogeii:  hang in there.  Laelani:  Okay, Neurotin.. i don't understand how Neurotin work..s but it has a calming effect on the nerves  much like benzos... it must be tapered from just like benzos and it helps w/ sleep.  I was given it 10 years ago alongw/ the K for pain.  It's worked well... Iwill get off it once I've finished w/ the K mess.  i continue to take a sub therapeutic dose 400mg because it buffers sx.  Yes, in my humble non qualified opinion, I think you should stabilize first... if you start w/ the "I hate being on this drug now," you will struggle unnecessarily w/ this.  We can't beat ourselves up.  We can't hurry this.  As awful as this is... the PTSD like phenomenom (the fake trauma, i call it) is so pronounced that when you try to cut too much, too fast, its so overwhelming that your very fortitude is compromised and persevering becomes a greater challenge.  I was heartbroken when irealized i had miscalculated the amount of time I have left, I was ready to  just push through... but kind friends have convinced me that wouldbe a mistake.  I think Bart said this... the goal is not to just get offthe dr. but to do so w/ the least amount of mental and phys. sx.  For me the goal is to get my life back and stay out of ER's and psych wards until I can get it back.  The CNS needs time to heal.. I thought those transmitters were just "off line" but I now understnd they actually get reabsorbed into the brain so they literally need to be reestablished.  No wonder its so hard.  Anyway this process takes a long time and as long as you have a doc. who knows this and is willing to work w/ you, this can happen w/o throwing you into such distress that you simply stop trying.  I want to say that during this process, as awful as sx have been at times... they were more doable than the long weary months of not knowing from day to day whether I couldget out of bed, get to the pharm. to get my med or even to the store to get groceries... the length of time is wearing on me but I try to remember this is not a terminal illness... there is light at the end of this tunnel... w/ my BB's and encouragment at home... I am able to keep going one 10% cut from my current dose at a time.  The best thing I think is that sx don't always remain the same so you get some relief from one while you deal w/ another... I suppose this may have something to do w/ which receptors come back "online" and when.  "Don't wait, practice patience."  that's my motto.  There are few words of encouragement... its a b@#$% of a ride and its not for everyone.  It takes a superhuman amount of patience to get through this and that's why we all get so excited when we see someone we've shared a bit of this journey with... get to that place where they have made it to the other side.  Jaxy, Rek, Mogeii and so many others have made it and so we know it can be done.  So many of us have docs who have no idea what they are doing or what we are goingthrough and mine.. goes along... but I can see she just doesn't really get it.  You are in a good place.  Relax, listen to your doc... you will really need the doc as you get to non-therapeutic doses... and sx become more extreme and the time wears on... its a long haul... you have to accept that... if you can't... you will falter.  If you try to c/t, it will become extreme... if you cut too fast, it can become extreme... even doing everything right, some people will suffer more than others... you don't want to be one of those people... you need to be stable and you have to have a plan or when sx are extreme you will be at risk of taking more or giving up or giving in.... don't... we're here for you... once you are more familiar w/ the boards you will find people and information that will get ou through another day... and that's how we get there... one day at a time...sometimes, one minute at a time.  Hope this helps. 

[[La...]]

Njoy, & everyone else here,

 

Thank you so much for writing back to me. I am seriously struggling with this entire process.

I want off so bad that it's all I think about. Like I said it's like this loop that plays in my head & won't leave me alone. I guess I feel like the longer I stay on it the worse things will be for me when I get off. Do you think that may be true? It's also hard to go back to normal living having suffered through such a traumatic experience as I had with my 1st failed ativan taper. It's like I'm left in a state of limbo, the fear I was left with is tremendous & I feel like such a different person then I was before. I don't know how to get back to that good place or make peace with taking k now. It's like I lost a part of myself during the last taper & I can't get that part of me back. Now that I know what this can do to you it's put the fear of God into me & all I want is off. Can you please tell how long you were on K & how long you've been tapering? I see your sig. but I'd just like to know. During your taper what has it been like? I know you say to take it slow & steady, I understand that but are you functioning during this time.? I have children & a family....my youngest being 13, such a crucial age. And I want to be able to continue being there for him. So far since I became so sick mentally & physically I haven't done much in the way of being a mother because I just can't get back to that good feel safe "normal" place. He's entering 8th grade & I want to be there for him,..watch him play sports, see his 8th grade graduation, go to high school. All that encompasses being a part of his life. Will this taper set me back on all  those things? I know no one knows what my symptoms will be like but I'm just trying to reference a time frame here. I want my life back so bad. I want to live & not have to be stuck here in my house in my room, even now when I'm not tapering. I need support, I need to know I can do this when the time comes. I don't want to fail. I want to make it through to the other side & be there for the rest of my children's lives. Please tell of your experience with this....is it doable? My family & friends are frankly tired of me obsessing over this entire thing. They want me back & I want to be back, but need to know if it can be done, & I need to hear hope that what I'm doing is right.

 

Thank you,

Laelani

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Man, this week has been a tough one so far.  Almost got into a car accident yesterday, but manages to swerve at the last minute.  I was surprised that my reaction was as good as it was.  My wife and I work at the same place, so we carpool, and only have one functioning car.

 

It's been so hard to drag myself out of bed in the morning.  Last month, when I was doing a quicker taper, I missed a few days of work because my head was so foggy, I figured I should just stay home.  I'm trying to do a slower taper and vow to myself not to miss work.  It's hard for me to cope with this because I used to be able to get out of bed a little earlier to do my morning meditation.  Doing that is kind of like my other drug, so I notice when I don't do it.  I just ended up doing it at work, since that is better than nothing.  I get a lot of weird reaction to sitting up straight with my eyes closed. 

 

Perhaps I am taking too many things before bed.  I take a 25 mg hydroxizine, kava kava, melitonin and smoke some marijuana before bed.  I have this ingrained fear of not sleeping, which lead me to the whole sleeping pill thing in the first place, so I have a tendency to overdo things.  I've been having trouble doing my job as well.  I work in IT and it's been hard to deal with some people who ask for explanations as to shy thier stuff is not working.  I just fix the shit, and then stumble over my words as I try to come up with something.  I hate looking like an idiot in front of others, but I sincerely try to be as kind as possible to compensate.  I figure it worked for Forrest Gump.