You will heal too!

[Guest [14...]]

Cedar: Thanks for sharing this. It is so nice to read a positive outcome when we are surrounded by so much misery. 14

[[ti...]]

Cedartree

Thanks so much for posting your success. I have never really gone in the success stories and have decided I need to. I'm off the clonazapam since June last year still having alot of withdrawal symtoms and now getting rd to start a ambien taper. You give me hope that I will heal if feels like I will never feel normal again.

So thanks for your wonderful inspiration.

 

Tanya

[[Sk...]]

Wishing you blessing, CedarLove,

 

-Sky-

[[ea...]]

Hi cedar,

I seldom read success stories, as when I try, the joy and happiness just get me down. I always start fretting about how maybe I am different from everyone else. My rational mind knows differently but sometimes the irrational side just takes over.

 

Im in a bad wave. I still dont understand if life stressors start waves, or they just happen (or both). But I am in one. I found out a while back that someone I once loved very much had died a couple years ago. At that time I was in bad cog fog and the grief didnt hit me badly but now it is starting to.  I had been having little windows, and perhaps got a bit cocky, thinking it was really starting to end. But this wave has come on sort of gradually and it has gotten worse than the ones before. I am hanging onto hope that everything I read here on BB is true and that I will begin to see real healing sometime soon. I long for a real window, a measurable period of time in which I have NO symptoms, or so few they dont matter. It has not happened yet. I passed the 7th month mark 10 days ago and I know this bothered me greatly. Never in my wildest nightmares did I think I would feel this sick and crazy for so darn long. Ive begun to see that its very possible I may not start to feel good for a year. That thought depresses me terribly. Im becoming aware of all I lost, memories are coming back now, and I have these glimpses of what my life could be like when I am healed. The the doubts and fears wash over me and I cant hang on to those little glimpses.

 

I know Ive made some progress in many ways. Im no longer beating myself up daily about my past. Im starting to understand a far bigger picture of all of it. Im more able now to help others thru their own miseries, and that has been quite wonderful for me. A few physical symptoms have died down, tho others have come roaring back. For the most part, I do now accept that most of this is "just withdrawal" and not some indication Ive become mentally ill. But accepting does not mean it is easier to bear!

 

Im not even sure why I am posting here. I suppose its a way Im reaching out for yet more reassurance. And Im so tired of needing that, even tho I also know its a classic problem for many of us.

 

I feel like this little shaky toddler learning to walk and falling on my butt every other time I try. Many days, doing even the simplest little thing makes me pause and wonder why it seems so hard to do, and I have to think my way through it carefully. In some ways, I had more brazen confidance much earlier, during the first few monthes after my cold turkey. I had all this adrenaline rushing through me and I mistook it for energy. Wow. Now I have to push myself to go get the mail. And I cannot tell if I am depressed, just plain tired from poor sleep or what. Its a mess.

 

Its sort of funny. Last week, on my Blog, some dear friends pointed out to me that I was grieving my old lost self, that withdrawal IS a form of grief. I had not thought of it that way and I was very surprised to realize how true it is. But then I also realized that I am also in "real" grief after learning of my friend's death. A double whammy, I believe. I spoke with his mother today for a long time, and it brought back a flood of memories, just a huge flood...then many tears, then the anger, the whole nine yards.

 

Im sharing all this not to get sympathy or pity, tho I do not think you would heap pity on me. I just felt a strong need to let this out, and guess where I landed to do that? Here. I hope you are doing well. You sound just plain excellent and I hope that continues for you.

eastcoast  (still kicking and screaming)

[[ea...]]

I forgot to say "Thank you for listening."

Thank you.

[[tu...]]

Eastcoast:

 

Don't have a lot of time to write a long post.  But, I wanted to say I completely related to what you wrote.  I am 13 months off (today as a matter of fact) and I feel much the same.  It is scary to feel better and then have some mundane errand rev all of your symptoms back up.  You wonder if you will every be able to count on your body and mind to behave normally.  It is so unsettling, you begin to doubt your ability to heal 100%. 

 

I have to put my faith in all those kind and healed souls that stick around here and say it does heal 100% and it stays healed eventually.

 

We just have to hang on and weather the storm.

 

I truly believe this is not permanent and that in TIME we will heal.  It actually makes more sense than anything else.

 

It will be okay. 

 

Warmly,

TG

[[ea...]]

Hi turtlegirl,

Thank you for the kind words. Im just lost lately. Lost again, I should say. I suppose that its all some sort of strange and necessary part of my healing but Im so tired of it. I need a real window to "prove" healing is really happening.

Last night wasnt a good one. I flopped out on the sofa and tried to relax into sleep but it didnt happen. I lay there letting intrusive thoughts and worries get the best of me.I'd get up, wander around for a short time, put on relaxing music videos, etc., then try once again to relax enough to drigt off. In all, I guess I managed to get about 4 hours of sleep. Not enough! How on earth did I go for monthes on 2 or 3 hours every night? All that adrenaline, I guess.

So here it is, yet another day. As I type, my skin is crawling, my fingers feel numb and clumsy and nothing I put on looks right. My cats are wandering around yowing and I dont know what they need and I cant give them much anyway. I keep lighting cigarettes, then put them out in disgust.

I managed to eat some cereal, and took a vitamin pill, so thats good stuff.

I will try to find a way to force myself to go outside the house today. I need to resume "acting as if" I am better than I feel.

eastcoast

[[Ch...]]

Can anyone with experience tell me I have only been on 20mg for weeks on diazepam but when I stop I get withdrawals like tremours, sweats, racing thoughts, panic etc etc. If I taper slowly will I still get tremours etc? I am currently tapering at 2mg 1-2 weeks?

Thanks Josh

[[...]]

hi every buddy , my monthly update 14 months now still 99% normal,waiting for the time to post my success story

[[ce...]]

Cedartree

Thanks so much for posting your success. I have never really gone in the success stories and have decided I need to. I'm off the clonazapam since June last year still having alot of withdrawal symtoms and now getting rd to start a ambien taper. You give me hope that I will heal if feels like I will never feel normal again.

So thanks for your wonderful inspiration.

 

Tanya

Hey Tanya. Hope your Ambien taper is going okay.  I truly hope you feel much better soon! 

[[ce...]]

Cedar: Thanks for sharing this. It is so nice to read a positive outcome when we are surrounded by so much misery. 14

14 years. Thanks for the positive feedback.  We all need to know that we can overcome this and regain our lives.

 

Wishing you health and happiness!!! 

[[ce...]]

Wishing you blessing, CedarLove,

 

-Sky-

Blessings to you too buddy!!  How's the taper btw? 

[[ce...]]

Hi cedar,

I seldom read success stories, as when I try, the joy and happiness just get me down. I always start fretting about how maybe I am different from everyone else. My rational mind knows differently but sometimes the irrational side just takes over.

 

Im in a bad wave. I still dont understand if life stressors start waves, or they just happen (or both). But I am in one. I found out a while back that someone I once loved very much had died a couple years ago. At that time I was in bad cog fog and the grief didnt hit me badly but now it is starting to.  I had been having little windows, and perhaps got a bit cocky, thinking it was really starting to end. But this wave has come on sort of gradually and it has gotten worse than the ones before. I am hanging onto hope that everything I read here on BB is true and that I will begin to see real healing sometime soon. I long for a real window, a measurable period of time in which I have NO symptoms, or so few they dont matter. It has not happened yet. I passed the 7th month mark 10 days ago and I know this bothered me greatly. Never in my wildest nightmares did I think I would feel this sick and crazy for so darn long. Ive begun to see that its very possible I may not start to feel good for a year. That thought depresses me terribly. Im becoming aware of all I lost, memories are coming back now, and I have these glimpses of what my life could be like when I am healed. The the doubts and fears wash over me and I cant hang on to those little glimpses.

 

I know Ive made some progress in many ways. Im no longer beating myself up daily about my past. Im starting to understand a far bigger picture of all of it. Im more able now to help others thru their own miseries, and that has been quite wonderful for me. A few physical symptoms have died down, tho others have come roaring back. For the most part, I do now accept that most of this is "just withdrawal" and not some indication Ive become mentally ill. But accepting does not mean it is easier to bear!

 

Im not even sure why I am posting here. I suppose its a way Im reaching out for yet more reassurance. And Im so tired of needing that, even tho I also know its a classic problem for many of us.

 

I feel like this little shaky toddler learning to walk and falling on my butt every other time I try. Many days, doing even the simplest little thing makes me pause and wonder why it seems so hard to do, and I have to think my way through it carefully. In some ways, I had more brazen confidance much earlier, during the first few monthes after my cold turkey. I had all this adrenaline rushing through me and I mistook it for energy. Wow. Now I have to push myself to go get the mail. And I cannot tell if I am depressed, just plain tired from poor sleep or what. Its a mess.

 

Its sort of funny. Last week, on my Blog, some dear friends pointed out to me that I was grieving my old lost self, that withdrawal IS a form of grief. I had not thought of it that way and I was very surprised to realize how true it is. But then I also realized that I am also in "real" grief after learning of my friend's death. A double whammy, I believe. I spoke with his mother today for a long time, and it brought back a flood of memories, just a huge flood...then many tears, then the anger, the whole nine yards.

 

Im sharing all this not to get sympathy or pity, tho I do not think you would heap pity on me. I just felt a strong need to let this out, and guess where I landed to do that? Here. I hope you are doing well. You sound just plain excellent and I hope that continues for you.

eastcoast  (still kicking and screaming)

Eastcoast. I feel your pain.  Been there, done the kicking and screaming enough for anyone.  I honestly believe this is just part of the process and I agree that you have to mourn the loss of self, the loss of time, the loss of everything.  It's great that you stopped by to share this and I love that Turtlegirl gave such a great response. Maybe others will too. Honestly I think we have to be good to ourselves and allow ourselves to grieve and to mourn all that we're going through.  It's part of the healing process.

 

Please post anytime. You are amazing for how far you've come and you'll continue to get better I have no doubt.

 

Just wishing you well Eastcoast. Everyone needs support through this! 

[[...]]

Hi cedar

 

Do you remember me as I can remember you am I reading right or wrong you can blame the benzo if I am wrong. did you cold turkey at all as I am unsure. I  took the liberty of going right back to your first posts and still undecided.

 

I did c/t twice and was reinstated twice not my choosing and against there wishes I decided to come off my then sleeping tablet and now tapering off V as I  c/o from Nitrazepam 10 mg.

 

your story gives me hope.

 

Glad to see you well.

 

DD

[[ce...]]

Can anyone with experience tell me I have only been on 20mg for weeks on diazepam but when I stop I get withdrawals like tremours, sweats, racing thoughts, panic etc etc. If I taper slowly will I still get tremours etc? I am currently tapering at 2mg 1-2 weeks?

Thanks Josh

Hey Josh.  If you've only been on it for a few weeks, you may be able to get away with tapering 2 mgs every 1-2 weeks. Only you will know for sure.  Hopefully others will offer their suggestions for you.  What I do know is that it can be done and it's pretty important to do it slowly to avoid wd.  Tremors are pretty common wd symptoms.

 

Hope it goes well for you Josh. 

[[ce...]]

Hi cedar

 

Do you remember me as I can remember you am I reading right or wrong you can blame the benzo if I am wrong. did you cold turkey at all as I am unsure. I  took the liberty of going right back to your first posts and still undecided.

 

I did c/t twice and was reinstated twice not my choosing and against there wishes I decided to come off my then sleeping tablet and now tapering off V as I  c/o from Nitrazepam 10 mg.

 

your story gives me hope.

 

Glad to see you well.

 

DD

Yes, I remember you DD!  I did cold turkey and was reinstated after three days of sheer hell. I was actually reinstated while in the ER.

 

I'm sorry to hear you've had to go through all of this too.  There is always hope although sometimes we need to be reminded.  I always liked the success stories when I was sick for that reason.

 

I am very well finally after such a long dark journey, but I hope and pray that everyone here finds their way through it too. 

 

Hope you feel well soon!

 

Hugs,

Cedar

[[ce...]]

hi every buddy , my monthly update 14 months now still 99% normal,waiting for the time to post my success story

WAHOOOO!!  Hoda, this is great news!!! Please let me know when you're 100%.  I love to hear things like this.  Everyone needs to know that they can recover too. 

 

Take care my friend.

 

[[...]]

Hi cedar

 

Sadly I went c/t for several weeks. I ended up in psych hospital where I was told that I was suffering from depression and not w/d sxs I was there for 4 months. Where I was reinstated and put on a different a/d Remeron as I had lost that much weight.

 

This has been very hard for me to deal with and I have had to deal with my w/d from these drugs like a lot of us on my own and with the help of BB's on her by doing a slow taper.

 

My biggest fear is with doing a c/t and being reinstated after the 2 week period so you can understand how I must feel. Scared, frightened call it what you want.

 

I shall just carry on doing what I am doing despite what the so called medical profession think that it would b better for me to stay on them, my biggest w/d sxs is the depression I am now at under 1.40 mg of V but still have Remeron to deal with.

 

It is so good of you to keep posting and I thank you for this

 

DD

[[...]]

Cedartree, thx my friend iwill tell u and write my story when iam compeletly heald ipromiss

[[ce...]]

DD58, I really do believe you'll be much better once you are off the benzo's.  The body will begin to heal and you'll recover.  In the meantime all you can do is stay the course with your eye on the prize of benzo freedom.  It is very scary and painful and all of that, but if you can stay focused on your goal and in hold on a bit longer you can become truly free of this. Don't lose hope, you're almost there!

 

Hoda, I look forward to reading your success story. As far as I'm concerned you are already a real success! 

[[st...]]

I hit a road block in my tapering. I landed up in the ER at my doctor's insistence two weeks ago for tachycardia and frequent extra beats that lasted three hours. It happened 12 hours after my last cut. So now the doctor wants me on hold for at least a month and I'm having terrible s/x from the small dose I'm on. I am so discouraged and fearful now. I always had irregular heartbeats and take a large dose of a beta blocker but now it's not helping obviously. I have an appt. with my electrophysiologist but  not till April 4th and my regular doctor doesn't want me to make any more cuts at least till then. I guess I did the last three cuts too fast with only 10 days in between and one cut was only 7 days after the one before it.

So here I am, stuck. I just wish I could find a professional who can work up a tapering schedule for me. Neither my doctor nor my therapist know what to do next. If I have to wait a month between cuts I'll be doing this for at least six more months. I only took benzos for four months before tapering. I've been tapering since october.

But there's a light at the end of the tunnel, named cedartree. Thank you.

Stevie :'(

[[ce...]]

Hey Stevie.  It's going to be okay.  You're doing the right things.  Honestly if it takes 6 more months to taper safely then that's okay, although I don't think it will take that long.  You have to take good care of yourself and watch your heart.  I suffered severely from chest pain and irregular heart beats.  I have a heart murmur that's pretty strong too. Anyway, your life is worth it, so be really good to yourself. 

 

There are so many people here who know a lot more about tapering than doctors do, so go to the tapering section and post your questions.  It really looks like you're getting pretty low on your doses of Xanax, so maybe in a month or so you can continue tapering.  You've made it this far! 

 

This isn't easy, but remember that this is temporary and you can still recover.  IT's not too late.

 

Lots of love,

Cedar 

[[st...]]

Hey Stevie.  It's going to be okay.  You're doing the right things.  Honestly if it takes 6 more months to taper safely then that's okay, although I don't think it will take that long.  You have to take good care of yourself and watch your heart.  I suffered severely from chest pain and irregular heart beats.  I have a heart murmur that's pretty strong too. Anyway, your life is worth it, so be really good to yourself. 

 

There are so many people here who know a lot more about tapering than doctors do, so go to the tapering section and post your questions.  It really looks like you're getting pretty low on your doses of Xanax, so maybe in a month or so you can continue tapering.  You've made it this far! 

 

This isn't easy, but remember that this is temporary and you can still recover.  IT's not too late.

 

Lots of love,

Cedar

Thank you so much, Cedar.

I've become so agoraphobic now. And depressed. Last year at this time I wasn't even on meds yet. If I could have seen into the future I would never have believed what was ahead. Thank you for encouraging people and caring enough to stick around to help others find their way.

Love,

Stevie

[[ce...]]

Hello everybody, hope you're having a healthy day! 

[[tu...]]

C- I'm doing better all the time.  Still a few things that need to heal, but so very close.  Hope this finds you doing well.

TG