An experience like no other

[[ml...]]

Hi magic,

 

All the heartache and heartbreak that you have gone through, serves as a reminder to all of us just how fragile, and uncertain life can be.

 

Your strength, and your courage in the face of overwhelming adversity serves as a reminder to all of us that when life stacks the deck against us, we can be stronger than we ever imagined that we could be.

 

Peace and happiness to you

 

pj

 

 

Thank you pj so very much. 

[[Le...]]

Pj

 

I have read 46 pages of your thread..you have helped so many! Its better than reading a great book..

 

sorry about my typing mistakes on my previous post, my banana hands are not too fond of phone keyboards.

 

Have an awesome day tomorrow, hopefully you will have a sublime day as well as continued love, health and happiness.

 

Leo

 

 

[[...]]

Thank you, Leo.

 

I don't have a smart phone, so the phone that I do have, has a very small, slide out keyboard.  I'm always hitting the wrong keys, so I come up with some very interesting words when I am texting.  No need to be sorry.  I totally understand.

 

You read forty-six pages?  Wow! that's a lot of reading. 

 

Someday, when I have lots of free time, I will read again all the posts from those wonderful folks I corresponded with on this thread.

They were so very kind.  I still remember many of their names, and I probably will for a long time to come.  I often wonder what is happening in their life.  I truly hope that they have healed, and they are happy.

 

Here is an American Indian prayer that I wanted to share with you.  I like to read it whenever my 'batteries' need charging.

 

May the sun bring you

new energy by day.

May the moon softly restore

you by night.

May the rain wash away your

worries and sorrows.

May the breeze blow new

strength into your being.

May you walk gently

through the world and

know it's beauty

all the days of your life.

 

I wish you well, Leo.

 

pj

 

[[Le...]]

Dear PJ-

 

I had always known you are an astute man. I read the following from a post you had replied to in regards to having peace in your life.

 

These are just my observations, but I think inner peace can be achieved only when we practice forgiveness and are willing to let go of the past.  No person can give us inner peace ... it has to come from within ourself.   We can have inner peace and contentment when we simplify our lives, because living a life of simplicity allows us more freedom to live life on our terms.  I don't know if you have ever read the book, "Walden" published in 1854, by Henry David Thoreau. It's a wonderful book about self-reliance, and living in harmony with nature.     

 

I live 10 minutes from Walden Pond. I frequent places like the home of Ralph Waldo Emmerson and Thoreu. It gives me great pleasure to see someone appreciate literary art.

 

Today is my 5 month anniversary from jumping. I wish I could say I am in a good place but alas, that is not the case.

 

I salute you sir, your wisdom and kindness are quite remarkable.

 

Warm Regards,

 

Leo

 

 

[[Le...]]

Slight tangent- I had also seen you are a fan of Mozart? How about some Frederic Chopin? I am sure you have heard it before

 

[[...]]

Very Nice!

[[...]]

Dear PJ-

 

I had always known you are an astute man. I read the following from a post you had replied to in regards to having peace in your life.

 

These are just my observations, but I think inner peace can be achieved only when we practice forgiveness and are willing to let go of the past.  No person can give us inner peace ... it has to come from within ourself.  We can have inner peace and contentment when we simplify our lives, because living a life of simplicity allows us more freedom to live life on our terms.  I don't know if you have ever read the book, "Walden" published in 1854, by Henry David Thoreau. It's a wonderful book about self-reliance, and living in harmony with nature.   

 

I live 10 minutes from Walden Pond. I frequent places like the home of Ralph Waldo Emmerson and Thoreu. It gives me great pleasure to see someone appreciate literary art.

 

Today is my 5 month anniversary from jumping. I wish I could say I am in a good place but alas, that is not the case.

 

I salute you sir, your wisdom and kindness are quite remarkable.

 

Warm Regards,

 

Leo

 

 

 

Hi Leo,

 

You are much, much too kind in your responses to me. 

 

I think I wrote those words about forgiveness in response to someone who was having a difficult time in forgiving their doctor who had prescribed them benzos without informing them of the inherent dangers lurking in such a powerful drug.

 

When someone lives with the excruciating pain, and the mental anguish caused by withdrawals - for weeks and months on end - it can be terribly hard, maybe even impossible for them to forgive their doctor, but they should still try.

 

Because, to remain angry at someone for a long period of time, can cause that anger to consume them, and eat at them until that anger starts to fester, and poisons their heart in a way that will harm them much more than it will hurt the person who they are angry at.

 

To forgive someone doesn't mean that you have to deny their responsibility for hurting you, and it certainly doesn't minimize or justify the damage that was done to you ... forgiveness gives a person that peaceful kind of a feeling that helps them to move on with their life.

 

Leo, it must be quite inspiring to live so close to where Thoreau and Emerson  left their footprints for others to follow as they walk along, and discuss the current events of today, much in the same way that Thoreau and Emerson must have discussed the current events of their day.

 

Imagine what it must have been like for folks to stop by and chat with Thoreau in his humble little house that cost him around twenty-eight dollars to build.   

 

Five months since you jumped may seem like a lifetime when you're still waiting to be in that 'good' place.  Hang in there ... before you know it, you will be healed, and you will be in that 'good' place for a life time - having the time of your life.

 

pj

[[Le...]]

Dearest Pj-

 

As i sit here on my balcony watching the sun hide for the evening, I feel almost as if I am following a path in the snow. A path where you helped so many people understand this voyage. The truth of the matter is that there will indeed be one day where we re connect to the real world. Tobthe people we are under the facade of benzos. This path that I have been on  is just passed the point where poor old Charlie had left to glory on ther side...what a great image of being on that hill watching the trees. Wow...

 

For me the difficulty lies in having windows that open and close constantly. I had been in a rut until yesterday evening and another today. That in itself has been my burden...intrusive thoughts since this started and bouts of sadness mixed with windows of hope and elation.

 

The benzo mind wonders how I will adapt having lived through this, or if I am some kind of monster for having the intrsuves...what a battle....

 

On a lighter note. I also read that you wanted to learn french? Thats cool! My mom is from a small little town called Chamberry. Europe isn a sight to behold...i highly recommed it..

 

I shall let you rest for the evening as my message has turned into a sermon!

 

Have a wonderful evening!

 

Leo

 

 

 

 

[[Le...]]

Hi PJ-

 

This is an area close to Walden. I had taken this photo a while back but thought it would be appropriate given the winding road some of us are on.

 

http://i807.photobucket.com/albums/yy357/Leo_Velez/20131005_162958_zps1e8b8a8e.jpg

[[ca...]]

Do we know if it's safe to get a flu shot while in withdrawal? Thank you!!

[[...]]

Hi PJ-

 

This is an area close to Walden. I had taken this photo a while back but thought it would be appropriate given the winding road some of us are on.

 

http://i807.photobucket.com/albums/yy357/Leo_Velez/20131005_162958_zps1e8b8a8e.jpg

 

Thanks for the picture.  You bet, the journey to healing does indeed takes a person down a long winding road.  That road looks like it is in really good shape.

 

Who is your cat listening to? 

[[...]]

Do we know if it's safe to get a flu shot while in withdrawal? Thank you!!

Hi cadkins,

 

I had a flu shot during withdrawals with no problem whatsoever.  If you had a flu shot in the past without any problems, then getting a flu shot during withdrawals should be just fine.

 

pj

[[Le...]]

Hi PJ-

 

This is an area close to Walden. I had taken this photo a while back but thought it would be appropriate given the winding road some of us are on.

 

http://i807.photobucket.com/albums/yy357/Leo_Velez/20131005_162958_zps1e8b8a8e.jpg

 

Thanks for the picture.  You bet, the journey to healing does indeed takes a person down a long winding road.  That road looks like it is in really good shape.

 

Who is your cat listening to? 

 

At the moment? Ha! Bob Marley

[[ca...]]

Hi PJ!

 

Hope you are having a great day !  This might be a weird question but how do you really know when it's over? I can see improvements but how do you really know this is done and this is just who I am? Am I creating these feelings after feeling this way for so long? It's like the old normal isn't anywhere in sight or maybe it never will be?  Do you truly get back to your life and feeling whole again?

 

Thank you!

[[...]]

Hi PJ!

 

Hope you are having a great day !  This might be a weird question but how do you really know when it's over? I can see improvements but how do you really know this is done and this is just who I am? Am I creating these feelings after feeling this way for so long? It's like the old normal isn't anywhere in sight or maybe it never will be?  Do you truly get back to your life and feeling whole again?

 

Thank you!

 

Hi cadkins,

 

We know it's all over when we look in the mirror and we see our face looking back at us wearing the kind of happy smile we used to have, the one we haven't seen for a very, very long time

 

Because we are Human Beings with the capacity to love, to hate, and to make decisions, we are prone to having many internal struggles happening within us that cause us to have periods of anxiety, insomnia or mild depression. 

When these conditions became more severe, and we could no longer deal with them on our own, we sought the help of a doctor ... and Benzodiazepines entered our life, and they changed our life.  We started to question things in our life in ways that we had never done before.

 

After we heal, we often get a whole new, refreshing outlook on life ... because of the impact that withdrawals had on us.  We have learned much more about ourselves.  We are more aware of our strengths and of our weaknesses.

We realize that there will always be situations in our life that will cause us some anxiety, insomnia, some stress or some mild depression.  Because of our benzo experience, we realize that these things are just a part of living - and we accept this premise more than ever, after we have healed. 

 

The 'old normal' you mentioned, will most likely never be again.  And in many ways, that's a good thing.  The 'old normal' gave you benzos and withdrawals.  When you are healed ...  and you are happy and whole again, the 'new normal' will give you peace and contentment. All your questions will have been answered by you, because benzo withdrawal is one heck of a learning experience.

 

 

After our horrifically confusing and painful battle with benzo withdrawals, we know that there are better ways to cope with all that life throws at us.  We now understand that taking drugs like benzos, only serve to numb us, and keep us isolated from the real world. 

 

Cadkins, I truly believe that after you have healed, you will get your life back, and you will be whole again.

 

Although life is filled with a mountain of things we cannot control ...  preventing us from feeling healed, and whole again.  There are many things in our life that we can control ... that do make us feel whole.  Things such as choosing to be happy over choosing to be unhappy.  Choosing to love, rather than choosing to hate.

 

We can feel whole again, by making someone else feel whole again.    Sometimes all it takes is a friendly smile or a gentle hug.

 

I don't know if I adequately answered your question, because there are so many facets to the ways in which benzo withdrawals can confuse us, leaving a person with more questions than there are answers for. 

 

I know that it is hard to do, but you should try and accept the fact that you will heal, and that you will be a whole person again ... with all those wonderful Human frailties, good and bad, that makes people so extraordinary, and so interesting.

 

Have a nice weekend, cadkins.

 

pj

 

 

 

[[ml...]]

WOW...pj, you are so incredible. What a BEAUTIFUL response to cadkins. I agree with EVERY word and this is exactly how I view this entire experience. I am forever changed by this journey and I am so glad that I am.

 

magic

[[...]]

Hi magic

 

The surreal experience of living with all the pain and the misery that the withdrawals inflict upon a person for such a very long time ... and their  subsequent healing from those withdrawals ... does indeed forever change that person.

 

It changes us in many wonderful, and positive ways. 

We no longer walk quickly past a bed of roses without glancing at their delicate beauty.

 

We now stop to smell those roses. 

 

Healing from the pain and the stress of withdrawals has taught us that living in a frantic, fast-paced, stress-filled world without taking the time to (Stop And Smell The Roses) is more than just a saying. 

 

It is a way of life that we must adopt - to insure that we slow down, and stop living our life in the fast-forward mode.  Because when we are moving too fast, we miss out on the many wondrous things that make life the beautiful experience that it can be.

 

As always, the very best to you, my friend.

 

pj

 

[[ml...]]

Hi magic

 

The surreal experience of living with all the pain and the misery that the withdrawals inflict upon a person for such a very long time ... and their  subsequent healing from those withdrawals ... does indeed forever change that person.

 

It changes us in many wonderful, and positive ways. 

We no longer walk quickly past a bed of roses without glancing at their delicate beauty.

 

We now stop to smell those roses. 

 

Healing from the pain and the stress of withdrawals has taught us that living in a frantic, fast-paced, stress-filled world without taking the time to (Stop And Smell The Roses) is more than just a saying. 

 

It is a way of life that we must adopt - to insure that we slow down, and stop living our life in the fast-forward mode.  Because when we are moving too fast, we miss out on the many wondrous things that make life the beautiful experience that it can be.

 

As always, the very best to you, my friend.

 

pj

 

 

Exactly. Its so hard to articulate what this has done for me deep down. Its like you have survived a war, a terrorist attack...full force and the point of impact, was your mind and body. As you recover and stand victorious with your flag of victory, mounted on top of the ash heap that was once your life.

All the ashy crap that was burned off of you. You arise from the heap with new sight, new smells and eventually a new vision, to your new and improved life and you described that very well.

 

I will FOREVER look at the journey of life differently. I will forever be changed, because this was just too big not to be, but thats ok. I like the new me, more and more with every passing day.

 

God bless you friend pj 

Lysa

[[Te...]]

My stomach felt like it was being squeezed in a vice.  I went on the internet to diagnose what was wrong with me.  "I have either pancreatic cancer or stomach cancer," I thought to myself, as my anxiety began to build, and build to a level that was very disturbing. "You dummy, you know better than to look up diseases on the internet," I yelled at myself.

 

Being a typical guy, not wanting to go to a Doctor, I lived with the stomach pain, and my not sleeping for six days, until I eventually realized that I would not get better without some medical intervention.

 

The next morning I went to the Doctor , and was diagnosed with H. pylori, and given a prescription for the triple cocktail of drugs that would eliminate the bacteria that had invaded my stomach lining. 

 

"Doctor I have had insomnia for a couple of years, and because of the painful stomach, I have not slept in six days.  Can you give me a prescription for a sleep medication," I asked her, as she was about to exit the examining room.  She gave me a prescription for Ativan, and Ambien, and told me to  'take as needed.'

 

That night before going to bed I took a 1 mg Ativan pill.  WOW!  Before I knew what hit me, it was morning.  I had not slept like that since I couldn't remember when. "That Ativan is some good stuff," I exclaimed to myself.

 

During the next two years, I continued to take the Ativan, and the Ambien, intemittently, having no clue that I was having, what I refer to now, as mini-withdrawals. There were many days when I just did not feel good, and had lots of weird things going on with my body.

 

Every time I went to see the Doctor, prior to going cold-turkey, all my test results came back negative. She, unfortunately, did not make a connection between the benzos that I was given to treat insomnia, and all the weird things that were happening to me. I never made the connection either.  My only prior experienceI with drugs was when I had taken Vicoden a few times for a pinched nerve in my back. 

 

One morning I had just gotten out of bed, and I began to shake violently, my body felt like it was encased in ice.  I went to the E. R., where I was told that I had a U TI, and was given a prescription for Levaquin.

 

After reading about the terrible side-effects associated with Levaquin, I contacted the E. R., and told them I would not take it.  "I would give it to my grandmother, it is a safe drug," came a reassuring voice over the phone.  Realizing that I would not bend, I was given a prescription for Keflex.

 

I took the Keflex for two days, when the E.R. called and said the culture they had done was negative.  I did not have an infection. 

 

About a week later, after just having gone to bed, a wave of heat enveloped me from head to toe, my skin was flushed, and red like a lobster.  This caused a mild panic in me, and lasted about an hour.  The next morning I went to see the Doctor for the umpteenth time.

 

I explained to her about the previous nights disturbing episode. "You just had too many covers on," she said to me.  "That is why you were feeling so hot."  Sensing that I was getting irritated with her, she suggested that I should take Zoloft to ease my anxiety.

 

I went home with a prescription for Zoloft, and a refill for the Ativan, and the Ambien.  I was so mad over the ignorance of the Doctor that I shredded the prescriptions, and thus, began my cold-turkey.

 

That night the heat-wave thing hit again.  I spent the night in the recliner, wide awake, my mind racing faster than an Indy 500 car.  So it was for the next thirty nights.  No sleep, and a racing mind, my body going from hot to cold, to cold, and hot.

 

Eventually, I was cognizant enough to research benzo withdrawals on the Internet. While scrolling down a page, the word BenzoBuddies, 'grabbed a hold of me', and on that cold December night, with my ever faithful dog lying at my feet, and a blanket wrapped around me to chase away the cold chills, I was led on a tour of the BenzoBuddies forums, where I quickly realized that, I indeed, was experiencing Benzodiazepine withdrawals.

 

No words can express the relief and sheer joy I felt in knowing , I was not alone in my quest in searching for answers that would validate the reasons for all the weirdness my body was dealing with.  I did write my Doctor a letter, explaining what I was going through.  She apologized to me, I accepted that apology, and moved on, never seeing her again.

 

I had around thirty different symptoms, everyhing from electrical shocks, to burning mouth, to twitching eyelids, to insanly burning, and itching skin. I won't elaborate on the numerous other symptoms, since all of you now have, or have had them at one time. 

 

After a year of dealing with all this crap, I began to wonder if I  would ever fully heal.  But, after fifteen long months, I have completely healed, and am happier, and more content than I have ever been before.

 

All you wonderful, kind, and decent folks, will all completely heal one day, and like I now do, you will enjoy life with a new found appreciation for all the mysterious, and wondrous things life has to offer. 

 

Your sunrise will be so much brighter, the sunset so much more spectacular, the sound of a laughing little child, so much sweeter.  The little things that used to upset you won't anymore.

 

 

I have read hundreds of old postings from the past three and four years, and have often wondered what has become of the kind, understanding people who cried together, laughed together, and shared their deepest thoughts together. To read the back and forth banter between one member and another, is fascinating and inspiring. I have to marvel at the fact, that complete strangers, in the blink of an eye, became kindred spirits. What a befitting testimony to our capacity as humans, to love and appreciate one another.

 

We can become so enamored with certain members that when they leave, we are left with an emptiness and sadness that cannot be easily explained. 

 

While reading those postings from many years ago, I felt like I was treading on sacred territory, and could almost 'feel' the presence of the authors, who wrote all those heartfelt words to each other.

 

It was at that moment when I realized that they had all healed, and were back to living their varied lives again in the way that life was meant to be lived.  All of you will be doing the same one day, because this nightmare does end, and you will be happy, and productive again.

 

It would be awfully hard, maybe even impossible, to find a kinder, or nicer group of people than you do at BenzoBuddies, where People REALLY do want to help one another in the most thoughtful, and caring way, with a sincerity, and decency that is so very real.

 

When someone cries out for help.  There is no hesitation in wanting to help that person.  People respond with heartfelt emotions, and a genuine concern for an individual they have never met, and often become close friends with that person.  Friends unlike no one else in their lives, because they understand how that person is suffering day in, and day out, in a way that no one else can ever understand.

 

I want to leave you with one of my favorite quotes by Ashley Smith:

 

"Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces.  Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”

 

PJ

 

edit typo

 

 

I can't believe this post started on 2012.  It's great to read this. 

 

Thanks for sharing

 

Tex

[[...]]

You're welcome, Tex.  Sometimes I Can't believe it either.

[[...]]

Hi magic

 

The surreal experience of living with all the pain and the misery that the withdrawals inflict upon a person for such a very long time ... and their  subsequent healing from those withdrawals ... does indeed forever change that person.

 

It changes us in many wonderful, and positive ways. 

We no longer walk quickly past a bed of roses without glancing at their delicate beauty.

 

We now stop to smell those roses. 

 

Healing from the pain and the stress of withdrawals has taught us that living in a frantic, fast-paced, stress-filled world without taking the time to (Stop And Smell The Roses) is more than just a saying. 

 

It is a way of life that we must adopt - to insure that we slow down, and stop living our life in the fast-forward mode.  Because when we are moving too fast, we miss out on the many wondrous things that make life the beautiful experience that it can be.

 

As always, the very best to you, my friend.

 

pj

 

 

Exactly. Its so hard to articulate what this has done for me deep down. Its like you have survived a war, a terrorist attack...full force and the point of impact, was your mind and body. As you recover and stand victorious with your flag of victory, mounted on top of the ash heap that was once your life.

All the ashy crap that was burned off of you. You arise from the heap with new sight, new smells and eventually a new vision, to your new and improved life and you described that very well.

 

I will FOREVER look at the journey of life differently. I will forever be changed, because this was just too big not to be, but thats ok. I like the new me, more and more with every passing day.

 

God bless you friend pj 

Lysa

 

Good morning magic

 

Reading your post reminded me of the Phoenix bird from Greek Mythology who obtains new life by arising from the ashes, symbolizing renewal.

 

After all that you have gone through, (before) and (after) benzos were introduced into your life, you could have become a very cynical, and bitter person.  But, because of your courage, and your strong religious faith, you found the strength to let go of the dark past, and move forward towards a brighter future.   

Anyone who reads your posts can take solace in knowing that they too are going to survive those horrible withdrawals, and that they will have a life-changing renewal of their body, of their spirit, and of their mind.

 

You, Lysa ... with your positive attitude, and your almost cinematic like description of your 'renewal' are an inspiration to all the folks who are waiting and wondering with great anticipation, for that day when they will be whole again.

 

Here's a nice little quote by J.B. Priestley I wanted to share with you.

 

"I have always been delighted at the prospect of a new day, a fresh try, one more start, with perhaps a bit of magic waiting somewhere behind the morning."

 

pj

[[Te...]]

You're welcome, Tex.  Sometimes I Can't believe it either.

 

pj,

Your thread is very encouraging!!  keep this great work,  I wish I will be free of benzos soon.

 

Tex 

 

 

[[ml...]]

Ahhhhhh pj, I send you a HUGE BB 

 

Your words brought tears to my eyes, but in a good way. As I keep working hard to get to this recovery finish line, I am honored to think anything I have been thru can help any other hurting soul out here. We all have our pains and challenges that got us to this place to be on these drugs.  Absolutely blindsided by this whole thing. I wish I could go back, just like we all do and have someone say to me, DON"T touch that drug and here's why. But thats not to be, we must go on from here and embrace the lesson hidden amongst the pain.

 

I am so grateful that I have had a few opportunities to keep people from taking a benzo. I will tell anyone that will listen, or that I hear of, in my sphere of influence about the dangers and its just not worth it.

 

Thank you so very much for the quote, its so beautiful and I am going to print it out and tape it on my bathroom mirror.

 

Thankful for you friend pj 

Lysa

[[...]]

You're welcome, Tex.  Sometimes I Can't believe it either.

 

pj,

Your thread is very encouraging!!  keep this great work,  I wish I will be free of benzos soon.

 

Tex 

 

 

 

Thank you, Tex

 

It may take longer than you want it to, but your wish to be benzo free will be granted.  Thousands of other folks have had that same wish, and they became benzo free.  Their life changed in so many wonderful ways, just like your life will change in so many wonderful ways when you too, are free of benzos.

 

Have a nice weekend.

 

pj

[[...]]

Ahhhhhh pj, I send you a HUGE BB 

 

Your words brought tears to my eyes, but in a good way. As I keep working hard to get to this recovery finish line, I am honored to think anything I have been thru can help any other hurting soul out here. We all have our pains and challenges that got us to this place to be on these drugs.  Absolutely blindsided by this whole thing. I wish I could go back, just like we all do and have someone say to me, DON"T touch that drug and here's why. But thats not to be, we must go on from here and embrace the lesson hidden amongst the pain.

 

I am so grateful that I have had a few opportunities to keep people from taking a benzo. I will tell anyone that will listen, or that I hear of, in my sphere of influence about the dangers and its just not worth it.

 

Thank you so very much for the quote, its so beautiful and I am going to print it out and tape it on my bathroom mirror.

 

Thankful for you friend pj 

Lysa

 

Hi magic,

 

Thank you for the HUGE hug

 

It has been said that a hug is worth a thousand words, so instead of writing a thousand words to you, I am sending you a great big Panda Bear kind of a hug! 

 

Have a most delightful weekend.

 

pj