An experience like no other

[[Co...]]

 

You're welcome.

 

Yes, you will survive   And how are you going to survive? 

 

You are going to survive by staying positive. 

 

You are going to survive by not thinking about your withdrawal symptoms for one or two hours every day.

 

You are going to survive by walking in the sunshine, hand in hand with Mother Nature, that very wise lady who teaches us so much about beauty, contentment, peace - and survival.

 

You are going to survive by reminding yourself, over and over again that withdrawals are temporary. 

 

You are going to survive by having and believing in hope - that, silent, invisible force that whispers to your heart "carry on, no matter how dark the day or how lonely the night."

 

You are going to survive by being yourself - that kind, thoughtful person who is going remind herself every day that she is going to heal from her benzo experience, and go on to live a happy, a productive, and a very fulfilling, awesome life.

 

I do wish you well.

 

pj

 

I'm going to print this, PJ, and read it every day.  God bless you. 

 

CH

[[...]]

pj, I needed to read this today.  I'm at almost 13 months since I stopped Clonazepam, and I'm still struggling.  Last night I almost had a nervous breakdown.  The tinnitus and depression are taking me down.  I don't know how much longer I will last.  Your words are giving me some hope, though.  I'm trying to push through.  Did you really heal at 15 months or did it take longer?  I'm so afraid I will never get better.

Hi iwsth,

 

Yes, I was healed at fifteen months.  Some days it felt like I had been having withdrawals for fifteen years.

 

Iwsth, thirteen months may not seem all that long in the real world, but in the unreal world of withdrawals thirteen months can seem like a lifetime, especially when you have been hit hard with depression and tinnitus. 

Whenever you are feeling more depressed than usual, thinking back to a time in your life when you were very happy, and everything seemed to be going your way may help you feel somewhat better for awhile.

 

Go walking whenever you can.  There is something that is almost magical that can happen to your sense of well-being when taking long walks, especially in the sunshine.

 

A white noise machine which produces sounds such as falling rain or ocean waves can be effective for masking tinnitus.  A fan in your bedroom also helps mask the tinnitus.

 

Keep on fighting for what you want your life to be like tomorrow.  It takes all the courage and strength that you can muster to defeat that powerful, unforgiving benzo beast that has tormented your body, toyed with your mind, and stretched your fragile emotions like the strings on a cheap violin.

 

There will be days when you will take two steps forward in your recovery, and that benzo beast will knock you three steps backwards, over and over again, hoping that you will give up. 

 

But you will not give up, because you are much stronger and more resilient than you ever imagined that you could be.

 

When that glorious day arrives and you ARE healed - that person who has been lost for such a very long time - will have been found, and you will have your life back ... it will be a somewhat different kind of a life ... because your benzo experience will have changed you.  You will be happier.  You will be wiser.

 

You will feel as free as Dandelion Seeds drifting in the wind.

 

I wish you peace and happiness ...

 

I want to share this Native American Prayer with you to lift your spirits, as it does mine.  (author unknown)

 

May the sun bring you

new energy by day.

May the moon softly restore

you by night.

May the rain wash away your

worries and sorrows.

May the breeze blow new

strength into your being.

May you walk gently

through the world and

know it's beauty

all the days of your life.

[[do...]]

Pj

 

Hi. I just read a beautiful post you wrote. And it inspired me to write to you. I hope you don't mind.

 

I'm currently 2.10 years off benzos  six months of Prozac and four months of gabapentin. I thought I would write to you because I have had no windows as yet. I have extreme mental and psychological symptoms. Along with severe cognitive issues. I started taking Xanax in 2007 quickly reach tolerance. Also experiencing new  symptoms as well. I was originally prescribed Xanax for anxiety. Into thousand and seven I was in graduate school working upon an invention and working full-time. I also had a spiritual life.  I have spoken with everyone on the planet concerning benzodiazepine withdrawal and psych med withdrawal. Everyone assures me that I will get well. I reach out to you in hopes that maybe you can bolster this believe. The question that I ask the community is  that I had suffered depression and anxiety prior to taking medication. This dates back to 2004. I had never taken medication before in my life yet into thousand and four I had my first panic attack which escalated into severe depression. I could not get out of this depression and took myself to the hospital. I found  myself in a psychiatric unit and medicated for the first time. Between 2004 and 2007 I tried a few antidepressants here and there. When Xanax entered the picture in 2007 everything changed. In 2010I titrated down from 9 mg of Xanax to 4mg. Nearly died and ended up in the hospital. From there I had to go back on Clonopin to go to work. Between 2010 and 2014 I was getting worse. I stumbled upon Benzo buddies and new I had to quit.  I stopped Clonopin in 2014 after titrating down. Six months later I was extremely symptomatic and very suicidal and was placed on Prozac and gabapentin. I should've remained off all medications once I got off the Klonopin. Nonetheless I finally managed to get off Prozac six months ago and gabapentin about four months ago. My life is been severely  altered and become severely disabled. I am able to work just barely and keep a roof over my head. I've tried virtually everything to get well and I've had zero success. All my friends in the community warned me against going back on medications and I personally have no desire to do so I don't wish to get worse and of course I never wanted to be on medications in the first place. everyone tells me to get well but I have not had any windows as yet basically I have been sick since about I'd say  2008.  More so since I'm off the medications. I am wondering if I'm going to get well I can't change my thoughts or change my thinking. I read your post which describe the mental and psychological aspect of this problem very well and I related to it very much which is why I have written you today. Could you please provide me with some hope and let me know that I'll get well I am 60 years old and I don't know how much time I have left. All I have Wanted in my life is going to feel whole and complete have some love in my heart to feel the world around me again and to know beauty joy and peace and most importantly my connection with God and spirit which I happen to cherish very much.

 

Thank you,

 

Bruce

[[...]]

Hi Bruce, 

 

Welcome every new morning with a smile, and a positive, 'can do attitude'.  If you are up to it, take a walk in the sunshine every day.  Listen to the music of the songbirds, see the beauty in the trees, feel the wind on your face, and stop to smell the flowers. 

 

I am truly sorry for all that you had to deal with in the past, and for all that you are presently dealing with. 

 

You mentioned that you are 60 years old.  Bruce, that is just a meaningless number, because millions of folks are living a very happy and productive life, well into their eighties and beyond. 

 

Because we are Human, with the capacity to love, to hate, and to make decisions - we are prone to having many internal struggles within us that continually pull us this way and that way, leading us to have periods of high anxiety, insomnia or depression. 

When these conditions became more severe, and we could no longer deal with them on our own, we sought the help of a Doctor ... and Benzodiazepines entered our life - and they changed our life. 

 

We began to question things in our life in ways that we had never done before.

 

We realize, after our encounter with benzos, that there will always be situations in our life that will cause us some anxiety, insomnia, stress or depression.  Because of our benzo experience, we understand that these things are just a part of living, and we learn to cope with them - that is why many folks, once they have healed, become much happier, and healthier, and they accept life's trials and tribulations without taking a pill.

 

You've weaned yourself off all the meds that you were taking, and that's probably a good thing.  Too many Psychiatric type drugs, in my opinion, tend to damage a person's psyche (inner self) until their spirit and their soul lose the ability to sense or to feel.

On a precautionary note - there are indeed circumstances where folks who are having some deep, dark depression may need to be on certain drugs, and under a Doctor's care, in order to protect them from the possibility of harming themselves.

 

The fear that you will never heal, the fear that your life will never be whole and complete again, the fear that you will have withdrawals forever, the fear that your life will be forever changed in a negative way or the fear that you will never be happy - these fears are not real.   

They are all false fears - planted in your mind by the benzos - a powerful drug that temporarily changes who we are, and manipulates us into believing that we will never be happy again, and that our life will never get any better.  Benzos are notorious, and relentless when it comes to toying with our emotions, and playing games with our mind. 

 

When you have healed, all the best pieces of your life that have been taken from you, and scattered in so many different directions, will come rushing back to you, making you whole again.

And then you will have love in your heart again.  You will feel the World around you again.  You will be able to cherish beauty, and know peace again, and most importantly for you - your  connection to God and all things spiritual will be iron-clad again.

 

Bruce, you will get your life back.  And when you do, don't be too surprised if  things will change for you.  For many folks, the experience of going through benzo withdrawals - and healing from those benzo withdrawals - tends to make them wiser, a little more content, and a whole lot happier.

 

Thousands of folks have completely recovered from their devastating benzo experience, and have gone on to enjoy a peaceful, awe inspiring, fun-filled life ... and so will you.

 

I wish you the very best.

 

pj

[[pi...]]

Thanks for another beautiful post PJ!!!

 

And Hi Ya from me.

 

PG 

[[do...]]

PJ,

 

Thank you for your kindness in responding to my inquiry. Yet....I am a bit confused about one part of your response.

 

"You've weaned yourself off all the meds that you were taking, and that's probably a good thing.  Too many Psychiatric type drugs, in my opinion, tend to damage a person's psyche (inner self) until their spirit and their soul lose the ability to sense or to feel.

On a precautionary note - there are indeed circumstances where folks who are having some deep, dark depression may need to be on certain drugs, and under a Doctor's care, in order to protect them from the possibility of harming themselves."

 

After all I have been through and I imagine all that you have been through.....plus all of the folks here on BB and Survivingantidepressants.com plus all the research I have done into the efficacy of ALL psych meds I am a bit confused about the reference you made to suggesting the use of medication.

 

All my research indicates these meds are very dangerous and harmful. Are you suggesting medications help people after all you have been through? I have been considering medication BUT i am to afraid of them and after seeing so many people harmed.

 

For I was under the assumption that medications are dangerous, cause harm, and not better than a placebo.

 

Thanks PJ

[[do...]]

PJ,

 

Thank you for your heartfelt kindness and love.

 

Bruce

[[...]]

Thanks for another beautiful post PJ!!!

 

And Hi Ya from me.

 

PG 

 

You're welcome, pianogirl

 

A big Hi Ya back atcha!

 

I hope all is well with you.  Your granddaughter must be getting close to entering Kindergarten.  Enjoy the rest of the Summer.

 

pj

[[...]]

PJ,

 

Thank you for your heartfelt kindness and love.

 

Bruce

You're welcome, Bruce

 

I hope you are doing great, and life is treating you well.

 

pj

[[Li...]]

Congratulations!

Did you change your diet?

[[...]]

Hi Liz

 

I didn't really diet.  I ate pretty much what I felt like eating.  If certain foods bothered me, I stopped eating them and I tried eating something else.  I refused to give up my one cup of morning coffee, because, darn it - benzo withdrawal be damned ... I loved that cup of morning 'coffee.  It gave me that (everything is going to be alright) kind of a feeling. 

 

 

 

The best to you.

[[Bo...]]

PJ,

 

I needed to hear this. I took Xanax nightly for 4 years and I just started my 12th month. Never had issues with sleep prior to taking xanax. Was prescribed it after a breakup with a girl.. So dumb. Sleep is my only issue at this point (other than Tinnitus, of course). Still pretty awful most nights. Some nights not so bad, just broken. Did you struggle with sleep? If so, when did you notice it starting to normalize?

 

Ryan

[[ex...]]

Amazing recovery, pj. You know, reading post like this really moves my heart. It keeps reminding me that, yes, I have all of you, although we've never met. From all walks of life. It doesn't matter. The point is that we are / were suffering such inhuman ordeal, that we give our best to help each other because we know what it feels. Sometimes guys, I just wish that we all could meet. Really. Thanks for everything, all my BenzoBuddies. Let's keep fighting this together and never yield. We are all here, having each other's back, further and further to victory.

[[...]]

PJ,

 

I needed to hear this. I took Xanax nightly for 4 years and I just started my 12th month. Never had issues with sleep prior to taking xanax. Was prescribed it after a breakup with a girl.. So dumb. Sleep is my only issue at this point (other than Tinnitus, of course). Still pretty awful most nights. Some nights not so bad, just broken. Did you struggle with sleep? If so, when did you notice it starting to normalize?

 

Ryan

Hi Ryan,

 

Since the beginning of time - that mysteriously confusing, and heartbreaking; most wonderful thing called love - has been turning people's emotions inside out and upside down.   

 

Very little sleep or no sleep at all, was one of my most debilitating withdrawal symptoms. Night after night I would lie in bed - tossing and turning, pounding my pillow like a madman - begging for some sleep.

I realized that I couldn't just lie in bed torturing myself, so I decided to spend some nights in my recliner watching those interesting old black and white movies from the forties and fifties that are shown on TCM.

 

Watching those old movies helped to ease my anxiety about not sleeping, and gave me some much needed rest, even if I did not sleep. 

 

One night, when watching a movie while resting in my recliner - after many, many, nights with little or no sleep - I began to yawn, and I felt drowsy.  I knew that I was about to witness a miracle, and I did witness a miracle. 

I slept for 4 hours that night, (in my recliner).  My sleep began to improve from that night on - ever so slowly, until eventually, I was sleeping 7 hours a night; uninterrupted - in my bed.

 

If I recall correctly, (it was a long time ago) it took a year, maybe even longer, for my sleep to normalize.

 

Ryan, your sleep will come back - not magically all at once, but it will come back in stages.  Your brain is working overtime to repair the part that regulates sleep.  Try not to obsess about not sleeping - it just makes it worse.

Until your sleep cycle straightens out, you can expect sporadic sleep.  Some nights only an hour or two, some nights three or four - other nights; nothing.

 

Ryan, It's maddening, I know - but it takes time to get your sleep back.  It can take more than a year before your sleeping pattern is restored and regulated to where you are getting - the necessary amount of uninterrupted sleep that allows you to be that happy, and productive - awesome person you were meant to be. 

 

I wish you the very best.

 

pj

 

 

[[Bo...]]

PJ,

 

I can't thank you enough for your words of reassurance and encouragement. I've seem to have lost hope in the last month or so of ever being able to go back to the person I was pre-benzo, and your response restored that hope for me. Thank you!

 

Ryan

 

 

 

 

[[...]]

Amazing recovery, pj. You know, reading post like this really moves my heart. It keeps reminding me that, yes, I have all of you, although we've never met. From all walks of life. It doesn't matter. The point is that we are / were suffering such inhuman ordeal, that we give our best to help each other because we know what it feels. Sometimes guys, I just wish that we all could meet. Really. Thanks for everything, all my BenzoBuddies. Let's keep fighting this together and never yield. We are all here, having each other's back, further and further to victory.

Hi exbenzo,

 

Poet John Donne wrote: "No man is an island"  What he meant by those words is that we need each other.

 

Those words ring very true, and they have a special meaning for anyone who is having withdrawals.  Folks in withdrawals need the understanding, the support, the compassion, and the reassurance that can only come from their friends on this site.

 

Family and friends outside of this site do not, and they cannot - understand what it takes to overcome benzo withdrawals, and we can't expect them to understand, because the only way to understand withdrawals - is to have experienced withdrawals.   

 

The best to you.

 

pj

[[ma...]]

Hello PJ,

I cut Klonopin from May 2016. I still have 1 month left to finish Klonopin. Throughout the reduction of Klonopin I have very little sleep and quite often night without sleep. The doctor raised Mirtazapine to 30 mg, but the sleep did not improve. I have a bad sleep for 2 years and it takes longer. I stop believing that sometimes I will return to sleep. How long have you been sick with insomnia? Thank you.

Margarita

 

[[...]]

Hi margarita

 

I feel for you.  Insomnia is a cruel beast to contend with.

 

When we do not get enough sleep, everything in our world is turned upside down, and inside out.  We become like a Zombie - slow-walking our way through our daily routines, hoping to make it through the day without collapsing.

 

When suffering from insomnia for a long period of time, it's only natural that you would begin to believe that your sleep will never return; that's the way it was for me, and that's the way it was for hundreds of other folks.  Margarita, your sleep will come back - just like it did for me, and just like it did for those hundred and hundreds of other folks.

 

For the first month after I did a cold turkey, I did not sleep at all.  My sleep slowly improved with time - it took over a year for my insomnia to completely go away.

For most folks, when tapering off benzos, insomnia is one of their worst, and longest lasting withdrawal symptoms. 

 

The 'sleep clock' in your brain will repair itself.  It can take much longer than you think it should take to repair itself, because the brain is the most complex organ in the body with a billion nerve cells (neurons). 

 

All those neurons have to get back in sync before that 'sleep clock' begins to keep perfect time again - allowing you to sleep through the night again.

 

I wish you the best.

 

pj

[[pa...]]

Awe... my dear friend PJ.... came on tonight, been away from sometime... though, you are always in my thoughts... Hugs to you my friend...  Did you get snow this weekend???  

 

Love to you, Pattylu

[[ma...]]

Dear PJ,

 

thank you for your reply and encouraging words. You are a wonderful person that you shared your story. You have responded patiently to everybody and you have encouraged each one. Thank you  .

 

It's just as you write, I do not live, but I'm living out of the day and I do not know when this condition will change - if it ever changes. I know with certainty that even if nothing changes, I will never take any BZD. I have to live my life, even if it is a great deal of suffering. I would like to believe your words that sleep will return and I will be healthy. In these desperate days, nights almost without sleep, I'm pessimistic.

 

I've been in Klonopin for 26 years, and I'm afraid that for so long my brain is damaged. The Doctor sent me for a brain scan - EEG. My head was hurting my examination. The doctor found elevated values. The doctor said I was suffering from a "management syndrome". I do not know if this "brain damage" can be changed (the doctor did not answer this question). I am 63 years old and I have been taking Klonopin for so many years. I'm afraid my brain is permanently damaged. There are many days and nights when I do not want to live. I am sorry.

 

I wish you beautiful sunny days and thank you once again for your time.

 

Margarita.

 

[[...]]

Hi margarita

 

Thank you for those very kind words.

 

I can unequivocally say that I understand what you are going through - because I Do understand what you are going through, but what I cannot say is that worn-out, over-used phrase; "I feel your pain" - because  you, and only you, can feel and know what it's like to be in your shoes - day after day, with no relief from your torment.

 

Please do not give up on life.  You must keep on believing and hoping that things will get better, because - you know what, things can, and they do get better for a lot of folks.  Your situation can turn around when you least expect it to, putting you on a positive trajectory towards healing and happiness.

 

If you can find a peaceful outdoor setting, just sit there for awhile and look up at the drifting clouds.  Mentally take all of your worries and release them to the wind - let the winds carry those worries far away to the end of the sky.

 

I wish you much peace and happiness

 

pj

 

I have shared this American Indian Prayer with many folks - I would like to share it with you, too.

 

May the sun bring you

new energy by day.

May the moon softly restore

you by night.

May the rain wash away your

worries and sorrows.

May the breeze blow new

strength into your being.

May you walk gently

through the world and

know it's beauty

all the days of your life.

[[...]]

Awe... my dear friend PJ.... came on tonight, been away from sometime... though, you are always in my thoughts... Hugs to you my friend...  Did you get snow this weekend???  

 

Love to you, Pattylu

 

Hi pattylu 

 

No snow yet in my neck of the woods, but in a few weeks the Blizzards will make an appearance, and the winds will howl louder than a pack of hungry Wolves.

 

I hope all is well with you.

 

Your friend

 

pj

[[ma...]]

Dear PJ,

 

you are so kind and wonderful man. Thank you for your energy, for your wise words, for the prayer. Your words are so kind that I have tears on my face. You have so much love for all - THANK YOU  !

You just know how these words are needed for all who are still on the other side of the river and are waiting for us to cross this river. For some, the river is quieter, for some wild. You have already crossed the river and now you are helping all those who are waiting for us.

 

PJ, I wish you a beautiful life  !

 

Margarita

 

[[ci...]]

Hey PJ, I made it out of the nightmare. I just wrote my success story at 42 months CT from ambien. I wrote to you 3 years ago, I was so afraid, full of fear and pain. And you made me believe that I would be OK, that I would make it out of this hell. I read your note to me over and over again, your words gave me strength and hope, Thank you, Thank you.

 

I am living my life again, and have a calm and peaceful body and mind.

 

I am so grateful to you. Thank You.

 

Always, cindy

[[...]]

HI cindys

 

Wow!  You really experienced Hell on Earth - didn't you?  I never knew just how badly you were hurting until reading your Success Story.

 

I remember quite well, you and your posts to me.  Although you were in a world of hurt, and you were mad, and you were sad, and you were confused, and you were losing all hope ... you were always so kind and so appreciative towards me. 

Because of your strength and your fighting spirit, I had a strong feeling that you were going to make it.

 

Look at you now!

 

You have your life back - a life that is calm - a life that is peaceful.  I am so happy for you.  You are a wonderful, caring person who deserves many good things to come your way.

 

"The best feeling in the whole world

is watching things finally fall into place after watching

them fall apart for so long"

 

not my quote ... I read this somewhere

 

The very best to you, cindys

 

pj