An experience like no other

[[st...]]

Hi pj, and Galea,

 

I saw this post and wanted to stop by and wish you both a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

 

I'm Ann aka stillstuck and I just wrote my success story a week or so ago.

 

pj Thank you for you words when things where so hard for me, you gave me hope. I've lost a lot and it is what it is but now I'm working on just moving forward. I'm hoping to still get that horse property...you know when I was so sick with withdrawals my husband and I found a lovely place...but I was so sick in withdrawal syndrome that I balked at the whole idea. I lost a horse so dear to me from cancer after that I was ready to just not have another horse. However, as I got better my love for horses returned and I have a beautiful new horse as of a month ago afer six months of searching. He is wonderful and he has returned my dream to be able some day to bring him home to my own property instead of having to deal with boarding set ups.

pj Thank you for your support when I was so sick

I'm better now and I'm glad it't in the past. It was so hard to go through that withdrawal syndrome and I never thought it would end and it almost took my own life because it felt so bad, but for hope, for my family for my son I wouldn't quit. I couldn't and every day and every morining when I see my son's smile I thank god for him and everyone who helped me get better. And I am now 

 

Galea, gee its been so long and I see your posting that you feeling better. I'm so happy for your as you sounded as bad as myself some year and half ago. Progress seemed to be halted and at times in reverse for us. I'm glad to see you saying you're able to see the snow and feel happy for it, I know how simple a thing that is but hard for us when we are not functioning well with all GABA's working.

Progress, and time is what heals I guess we could be mad about it all but it wouldn't change a thing. Onward with life then we should go and to make the best of it.

 

Take care you guys and everyone here who reads this, know in time you will get over this withdrawal syndrome, for me it took 2 years but I am free and healed. Be strong, have faith, walk and meditate daily and try your best to not loose sight of your dreams.

 

No longer stillstuck,

Ann

[[ca...]]

PJ,

 

Thank you so much for your amazing story of your journey. It reminded me of mine. It is late and l am about to settle down. I joined today as my doc said l should not still be in withdrawl after 6 months l know what l am feeling is valid.

 

Congratulations on your recovery.

 

Blessings,

calilady

[[...]]

Hi pj, and Galea,

 

I saw this post and wanted to stop by and wish you both a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

 

I'm Ann aka stillstuck and I just wrote my success story a week or so ago.

 

pj Thank you for you words when things where so hard for me, you gave me hope. I've lost a lot and it is what it is but now I'm working on just moving forward. I'm hoping to still get that horse property...you know when I was so sick with withdrawals my husband and I found a lovely place...but I was so sick in withdrawal syndrome that I balked at the whole idea. I lost a horse so dear to me from cancer after that I was ready to just not have another horse. However, as I got better my love for horses returned and I have a beautiful new horse as of a month ago afer six months of searching. He is wonderful and he has returned my dream to be able some day to bring him home to my own property instead of having to deal with boarding set ups.

pj Thank you for your support when I was so sick

I'm better now and I'm glad it't in the past. It was so hard to go through that withdrawal syndrome and I never thought it would end and it almost took my own life because it felt so bad, but for hope, for my family for my son I wouldn't quit. I couldn't and every day and every morining when I see my son's smile I thank god for him and everyone who helped me get better. And I am now 

 

Galea, gee its been so long and I see your posting that you feeling better. I'm so happy for your as you sounded as bad as myself some year and half ago. Progress seemed to be halted and at times in reverse for us. I'm glad to see you saying you're able to see the snow and feel happy for it, I know how simple a thing that is but hard for us when we are not functioning well with all GABA's working.

Progress, and time is what heals I guess we could be mad about it all but it wouldn't change a thing. Onward with life then we should go and to make the best of it.

 

Take care you guys and everyone here who reads this, know in time you will get over this withdrawal syndrome, for me it took 2 years but I am free and healed. Be strong, have faith, walk and meditate daily and try your best to not loose sight of your dreams.

 

No longer stillstuck,

Ann

 

Good morning to a courageous lady

 

Thank you for your very kind words.  What a joy it was to see your post, and read that you are doing so much better.  You are a strong woman who refused to give up and fall apart in spite of all the pain, the stress, and the torture that those withdrawals inflicted upon you.  You stuck it out like the true winner that you are.

 

I am so happy for you that you decided to get another horse, and I hope that some day very soon you can bring him home to your own place so you can see him any time you want to. 

 

Horses are marvelous animals who possess so many wonderful qualities, as you are well aware of.  They are so strong, powerful, and beautiful.  There is no other feeling in the world that equals the rush that one gets when sitting astride a horse as it gallops down a country road. 

 

Again the early-morning sun was generous with its warmth.  All the sounds dear to a horseman were around me - the snort of the horses as they cleared their throats, the gentle swish of their tails, the tinkle of irons as we flung the saddles over their backs - little sounds of no importance, but they stay in the unconscious library of memory.  ~Wynford Vaughan-Thomas

 

Ann, I truly wish you a lifetime of peace and happiness.  You so deserve it.

 

pj

[[...]]

PJ,

 

Thank you so much for your amazing story of your journey. It reminded me of mine. It is late and l am about to settle down. I joined today as my doc said l should not still be in withdrawl after 6 months l know what l am feeling is valid.

 

Congratulations on your recovery.

 

Blessings,

calilady

Hi caliady

 

Thank you for your kind words, and welcome to this unique forum. 

 

It still amazes me that there are so many people who are suffering from withdrawals who's doctor refuses to acknowledge or validate that they are indeed having withdrawals.

The hardest part about the whole withdrawal process for me, and probably for you, and lots of other folks, was the 'not knowing' that all those strange things that were happening to us were caused by our taking benzos.

 

Once we figured it out that it was the benzos that was 'attacking' our mind and our bodies, a great burden was lifted from our shoulders, because when we knew the reason for our demise, we were able to seek the solution to our woes.

 

We discovered that by accepting those withdrawals, by being patient, by finding things to do to take our mind off of those withdrawals, and by understanding that there is no 'magical formula' that will hasten our recovery, we created less stress and anxiety in our life during withdrawals.

 

By reading success stories we understood that TIME is what it takes for us to heal from the damage done to us by the benzos.

 

The irony that I find in this weird, (makes no sense) convoluted benzo experience, is there was a time when most of us couldn't spell Benzodiazepines, and now - since we have been a part of this forum while going through withdrawals - we are probably more qualified and more capable of teaching a class on Benzodiazepines, than are most Professors. 

 

It was very nice meeting you.  I hope you recover very soon and that you have an abundance of peace and happiness in your life.

 

pj 

[[Le...]]

Always a very thoughtful and great response! Food for the soul PJ! God Bless!!

[[An...]]

To each of you who came back to say you are better, and to PJ, I am 16 months and still horrifyingly sick in withdrawal. I feel hopeless. I came here today to try to find hope. I feel just like I did when I was in cold turkey in the ICU, at 16 months it is cruel and impossible. Thank you all for writing here to try and foster the belief and hope for those feeling so terrified and hopeless.

[Guest [ho...]]

Hello PJ,

  Haven't reached out in a while but I wanted to ask some questions and get your opinion. I had a really rough couple weeks in October, last time I wrote. After I got through that, I have a really good November with only 2-3 bad days. I thought I had reached my turning point. Then December was up and down but the waves were milder and shorter and I some some pretty good days in that month. Now in January, over 2 months since the last horrific wave, I've been slammed again!! Some of the same acute symptoms are back. Horrible anxiety, lots of physical stuff, sleep disturbance etc. The most troublesome though is the awful dread and fear feeling as soon as I wake up. It is absolutely horrendous. That exact feeling was the hardest for me in the beginning. It had gone away for over 2 months and now it's back! Is it cortisol? What in the world is it and how can it come back so bad? Every time I feel I've turned a corner, I get slammed again after a long period. It's so confusing and discouraging. I feel like this will never end. I'm trying to take care of myself. No caffeine, no sugar no stimulants at all. I'm wondering if my worry about all this is making it worse and allowing me not to heal. I only used 1mg of Ativan off and on for 2 months and I'm still being tortured almost 9 months later. Have you heard of this from others? Doing so well and then so bad again? Did this ever happen to you 9 months or longer out from healing. The awful morning dread is just to turning me again. Truth is pj, I don't know how much more I can handle. I feel so sick and just want this to end for good. Or at least stay more manageable like it was for a couple months prior to this.

[Guest [ho...]]

Oops. I meant to say that the awful morning toxic feeling is torturing me again. Can't seem to type. 

[[...]]

Hi hope,

 

Waking up and realizing that another day of withdrawals is staring you in the face will give even the most optimistic person a reason to be fearful knowing that at any time, a new symptom can appear or an old symptom can return.

 

The fear and the dread that you experience when waking up is a very, very common withdrawal symptom.  It's a symptom that is difficult to wrap one's mind around, because unlike physical pain that we can understand, the mental anguish that fear and dread hold over a person is just devastating, because we cannot comprehend why we are so afraid; we just are. 

 

For the longest time, especially upon waking from what little sleep I got, and throughout the day, I was overwhelmed by thoughts of death and dying.  I would endlessly pace the floor, consumed with fear.  I was afraid to be alone.  I went to bed with a nightlight on, and I kept many lights on in the house all night long, because I was filled with so much fear and dread.  When I was a little kid, I refused to have a nightlight in my bedroom, and here I was a grown man afraid of the dark.  Until this happened to me, no one would have ever been able to convince me that benzos could screw with my mind the way that they did.

 

Ativan, and other benzos are notorious at tricking our mind into believing that all is doom and gloom, and that we will never be free from fear or anxiety.

 

Hope, I no longer have that fear of death upon awaking in the morning or any other part of my day.  I am an early riser, so every morning I watch the sunrise, and I am filled with so much joy in knowing that I have another day to experience all the wonderful things that make life the great adventure that it is.

 

When your symptoms have all gone you will experience that joy, too. 

 

Nine months is a very short time in the World of withdrawals.  It may seem like forever when you are bombarded on a daily basis with non-stop pain and confusion, but  nine months is indeed a very short time in the World of withdrawals.

 

On average, I think it can take from eighteen months to two years to completely heal, but benzos are so weird and unpredictable, you could be completely healed one month from now.

 

There were many times after I reached the ninth month when there were days when I began to believe that I was almost healed, and then some of my symptoms came back with a vengeance, making me doubt if recovery would ever happen. 

 

Many folks have this same experience.  It hurts and it is discouraging, but you must keep on believing that you are going to heal, because you ARE going to heal. 

 

Worrying too much about your symptoms and all the other confusing issues surrounding withdrawals has no bearing on your ability to heal.  Your CNS continues to repair itself regardless of whether you worry a lot or whether you worry a little.

I hope all this confusion and torment soon ends for you so you can be yourself again, living in a World that is real, instead of living in a false World of confusion and pain that was created for you by the benzos.

 

Hope, believe me, all this madness and confusion really does end one day.  I know it's hard to believe that when every day in your recovery, it seems as though you take one step forward and two steps backwards.

 

The very best to you.

 

pj

[Guest [ho...]]

Thanks for replying PJ. I feel with this wave my anxiety if really revved up like in early withdrawal. I'm wondering if me worrying so much about not getting better at this point is causing the anxiety but I can't figure out how to stop it and stop worrying. I need to learn to trust this process and know that I will heal. I've made the mistake of reading other stories that really scare me and I cant unread them now. I wish I could trust this process more and feel confident that I will be myself again and get through this. I feel I'm making it worse for myself as far as the anxiety goes. Wish I could stop! Thank you for your encouragement PJ.

[[Le...]]

Wonderful words!! Every single time I stop by there is some new awesome PJ message that speaks directly to the soul! Fantastic!

[[...]]

Wonderful words!! Every single time I stop by there is some new awesome PJ message that speaks directly to the soul! Fantastic!

 

My sentiments exactly. When I see PJ has posted my soul sings too and it's always at a time when it's really needed. He never fails to ground me again.

 

Love you PJ   

[[Ar...]]

Loved hearing about waking up early.  I am an early riser, also.  Looking forward to seeing a sunrise one day.  Thank you. 

[[...]]

Wonderful words!! Every single time I stop by there is some new awesome PJ message that speaks directly to the soul! Fantastic!

Thank you, Leo

[[...]]

Wonderful words!! Every single time I stop by there is some new awesome PJ message that speaks directly to the soul! Fantastic!

 

My sentiments exactly. When I see PJ has posted my soul sings too and it's always at a time when it's really needed. He never fails to ground me again.

 

Love you PJ   

 

Love you too, marj

[[...]]

Loved hearing about waking up early.  I am an early riser, also.  Looking forward to seeing a sunrise one day.  Thank you. 

 

There's something very inspiring in the silence of an early morning dawn that allows the early riser to ponder what a privilege it is to be alive, and breathe the fresh air of a new day - while anticipating the arrival of the Songbirds. 

 

I hope there is the most spectacular sunrise ever in your future that will light up your life, and surround you with a warm, peaceful feeling that will never leave you

[[ml...]]

Hi friend pj,

 

wanted to pop over and say hi. I can hardly believe Feb 1st I am 1 year out of this hell. What a year this has been and I am beyond grateful to have survived that brutal CT wd, especially with 2 deaths in my immediate family all in the same month...GOOD RIDDINS 2015! The passing of my dad and brother too will be a year next month, my brother dying on my actual bday, of Feb 16th. its been so intense. I miss him every single day.  :'(

 

I did not even know how to process it then, as I was in the throws of acute wd, while they were both on hospice and dying.

I am getting better and better each week now. I know it will take more time to really be "me" again. I still have days that things feel weird and fuzzy, but the BIG stuff is long gone, God I'm so grateful for that. I now have much hope to see it thru. I have never been thru anything so incredibly intense...you get it! It truly is amazing what our bodies are capable of. As Gods word says, we are fearfully and wonderfully made for sure! 

 

I want to thank you again for all your positive words over last year. You have helped so very much. You are always a positive light on BB and its so appreciated. I don't log in everyday now and thats just the way it is as we improve. You find your self wanting more and more distance from all these scary memories that were so painful. With that said though, I always respond to PM and come on here and there to encourage others. Lord knows new people need it. I was one once and I was so terrified.

 

Hugs to you friend and I hope you are doing really well as 2016 gets under way 

Lysa

[[Ar...]]

Needed to hear this today.  Thank you.  Keep feeling that I should be healed, when hit with a wave.  I have been benzo free since April 10, 2015. I am trying to hold on. 

[[...]]

Hi friend pj,

 

wanted to pop over and say hi. I can hardly believe Feb 1st I am 1 year out of this hell. What a year this has been and I am beyond grateful to have survived that brutal CT wd, especially with 2 deaths in my immediate family all in the same month...GOOD RIDDINS 2015! The passing of my dad and brother too will be a year next month, my brother dying on my actual bday, of Feb 16th. its been so intense. I miss him every single day.  :'(

 

I did not even know how to process it then, as I was in the throws of acute wd, while they were both on hospice and dying.

I am getting better and better each week now. I know it will take more time to really be "me" again. I still have days that things feel weird and fuzzy, but the BIG stuff is long gone, God I'm so grateful for that. I now have much hope to see it thru. I have never been thru anything so incredibly intense...you get it! It truly is amazing what our bodies are capable of. As Gods word says, we are fearfully and wonderfully made for sure! 

 

I want to thank you again for all your positive words over last year. You have helped so very much. You are always a positive light on BB and its so appreciated. I don't log in everyday now and thats just the way it is as we improve. You find your self wanting more and more distance from all these scary memories that were so painful. With that said though, I always respond to PM and come on here and there to encourage others. Lord knows new people need it. I was one once and I was so terrified.

 

Hugs to you friend and I hope you are doing really well as 2016 gets under way 

Lysa

 

Hi magic

 

To lose a loved one leaves an emptiness in our heart that no words can take away.  It hurts to the very depths of our being, and leaves us with many questions for which there are no answers. 

 

We learn about death when just a young child.  Our goldfish dies.  We see a butterfly lying motionless in the grass.  We see a dead squirrel in the street.  We don't dwell on those things for very long, because as a child we are too busy exploring, and getting to know all the things that are living, and bring us so much joy. 

 

When an adult - as cold, and cruel, and heartless as death is, we can take comfort in something that death cannot ever take away from us - our memories of our loved ones.  Through our memories, that person comes alive again, and walks by our side - through the sunshine and through the rain. 

 

Wherever life takes us, the memory of those we lost will always be tucked away safe and secure in our heart, always ready to comfort us, and give us guidance.

 

Those we love don't go away. They walk beside us every day.  They are unseen, and they are unheard, but they are always near.

Whenever I think about death or the meaning of life, I recall the words of the poet, Carl Sandberg who said: "A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on."  And it will go on.

 

A newborn baby, the first butterfly of the summer, walking barefoot in the grass, and a million other things that delight us, are all reminders for us to enjoy life to the fullest, and to capture as many memories as we can - tuck them away in the deepest recesses of our mind, so that we will never forget our lost loved ones, and the love we had for each other. 

 

Magic, I am sorry for your losses.  You're heart was broken by the death of your loved ones while you were in the throes of withdrawals.  Like a true warrior, you did not give up.  Your strength, your courage, and your unbreakable spirit will serve you well, no matter where life takes you.

 

I'm glad you popped in to say hi.  Thank you for your kind words to me.  Thank you for supporting those who are still struggling.  You are an inspiration to them. 

 

pj

[[ml...]]

Ahhh pj...

 

Thank you so much. You described it all so well. I was just talking to my daughter the other day about her losing her uncle and her grampa. She was having such a hard day and we all know the first few weeks, then months come in wave after wave of grief.

We acknowledged that death is just flat out rude. It rips a person you love so much away and there is nothing you can do about it, but it is the beautiful cycle of life, that you describe so well.

 

They don't ever leave us. I feel my brother next to me every single day. His laugh, his words, deep inside my mind. The memories are all there. In wd, I was not able to think clearly for so many months and that made the deaths so much harder to get thru, especially his, because we were incredibly close.

Now I am beginning to remember details of him and our amazing life together. He died too young, but I hold every moment with him and of course my dad too, deep inside and my mind. I am finally beginning to concentrate and go back in my mind and "see" them. What a blessing, we do heal from all of this eventually.

 

Thank you for your kind words to me, they really do encourage me to continue being the warrior I know God made me to be!

 

Lysa

[[ci...]]

bump

[[Le...]]

This thread should be at the forefront of BB. Anyone who is going through this ordeal should use this wonderful thread as their true north. Such grace and peace exist in the words written by PJ and everyone one who has contributed to its continuance.

 

An experience like no other indeed..

 

Peace and happiness to you all.

 

Leo

[[ci...]]

Leo, I agree with you bumping this up, I have read every post of PJ, he gives me such hope and strength.

[[Ar...]]

Reading PJ's success story again, continues to inspire me every time I read it.  Wonderful to read such inspiring kind words.  Thank you again, PJ.  Wishing you all the joy and love your life can handle.   

[[an...]]

At 2 months benzo free I needed to read this today.

 

Thank you PJ for sharing your love.