Forced To Fight...And Win! 15 months Healed Yes....

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Jenny your writing shows such feeling and kindness Jen.  i have been able to push thru more and more.  i am struggling a bit now because work is back on mon and it's pretty intense.  i am so thankful i pulled it off for these past 5 month.  it's a miracle when i think back on it.

i am struggling mostlly with depression now.  but years on  those psych meds....what can i expect?  i had lunch with a bunch of women and man oh man.  so many meds.  one was like the lights were on but no one was home almost.  i felt so thankful that i have almost 7 months off all that crap.  i take vit c and a few little things like fish oil and acidophilus.  aspirin.  my blood pressure came down lately but is going up as i get closer to work time.  that's ok. i will keep holding on and keeping the faith.  what is new with you sweetie?

[Guest [CM...]]

Jenny,

Thank  you so much for the post and the message. I think about you all the time, how wonderful, loving, kind and supportive you have been to so many of us. You are a true Angel  and it shows in all that you do and say. I am thrilled to know that you are healed and that  this devil is behind you. It's also wonderful news to know that everything at home has worked out for the better. Time really does heal all wounds.

I'm still buying my time, getting better and better, but not yet ready to write a success story. I'm a little over a year, well actually soon to be 13 months off. I too hope that I can write my success story at 15 months off, that would be a real blessing! All that's left for me are sleep issues. I am quite certain they are due to hormonal (HPA) damage that Pers has kindly researched and written so much about.

You were there for me in the very beginning, cheering me on and even providing comforting words to my husband. Go figure our husbands are from the same town. Perhaps one day we can all meet here. It's lovely, the people are genuine and caring. I love that about Brazil.

Tam and Mary keep me posted on you, and I'll check on you here as well.

Sending you lots and lots of Love.

God Bless You

Christine 

[[ni...]]

Hi Jenny,

 

I never get to chat with you anymore since chat is down, so I thought I'd drop by and say hello. I miss your upbeat attitude and outlook on life.  Still have no idea how you do that with everything you've been though??  I'm working on it though, promise.  Anyways, hope you are doing really well!

 

Big hug!! 

[[KR...]]

Hey Jenny. I just stopped buy to read your success story again. Yours is one of my favorites when it comes to someone that has overcome so much adversity. I find myself mostly coming to this part of the forum now to draw strength from the people who survived this ordeal. I find it hard to read other parts of the forum that I use to go to due to the level of suffering I see people going through and I just don't have the strength to absorb it right now. But when I read into the level of despair you had at one point. And the fact that you had NO support from anyone in your worst of times speaks volume to me. I mean you didn't even find a Benzo Forum until you were 7 months out from your cold turkey.You had a bunch of people constantly telling you that its all in your head. That you needed to get over it ect, ect. Having NO validation from anyone makes this journey even lonelier and darker than it already is and YOU were there. You reach a point where you suffer immensely and don't even want to tell anyone anymore do to the duration of the withdrawl and because people get sick of hearing about it. So you suffer silently. In PAIN. Which then takes you down into the darkest levels of withdrawl that I wouldn't wish on anyone and YOU were in this place as well. Its a place that is inhumane on every level and where you are the only person that can save yourself from yourself. Its a place where your thoughts are so deep and dark you are in a constant battle with your own mind to keep yourself sane and alive. Its where you want to reach out for help but there isn't any there because no one believes that what your going thru is even REAL. Its where you start to convince yourself that you aren't in withdrawl anymore and that your permanently going to be like this forever so you stop believing even the positive things that few friends you have left are trying to say to you. So you sit in this dark hole, endure it, and isolate even more. But then comes along people like you that come out of this stronger and better than you were before. I'm not sure how it happens. But you do. And you did it. Now Ive found myself in the same dark place that you were once in. In a place I never thought I would be in. I use to read about this place on this forum and hoped i would never experience what those people endured. I wouldn't wish this level of withdrawl on anyone. I thought the beginning of my cold turkey was bad. But that was just the beginning of a much deeper and darker place of withdrawl to come. One that you should have constant support in. Even if you don't want it. Something YOU never had until much later in the game. And I'm just thankfull you had the strength to make it thru this. Its truly empowering to talk to someone that has made it through this dark hole like yourself. Because while your here. You thinks theres NO way out. EVER!!!! The unrelenting effects of having to go through he same thing over and over, day after day, is enough to drive anyone INSANE. You start believing that all the irrational thoughts that your mind is telling you are true. And that the little rational voice in your head that was once telling you that your going to be OK starts to get smothered. Things all of a sudden get alot scarier. Thanks for always being there for me day in and day out and reminding me that this all comes to an end. Even when Ive convinced myself that is doesn't. You and your story have been a true inspiration for me and I'm sure many others. I just cant wait for all this to go away.

 

Rock

[[ja...]]

Aww Rock..

 

Thank you so much for what you said.. That means alot to me. You really validate everything I ever went through.. Thats huge to me. I am so sorry for where your at rt now in this w/d .I know how much your going through and to have this ontop of it is devistating..

Please just hang in there and know being in that abyss of darkness and Hopeless feeling and the being trapped with in your own mind with this heavy blanket of darkness will subside ..Im just so glad you caught this early and just know your so strong and I know youll get through this. I reconized this dark place myself fairly quick to thats because I remembered it from the one and only other time I was there ..Thats the four years that followed my daughters death, I never thought ever I would have to be there again.I scrapped myself up from that and It was truly the most hardest thing I ever done. So when I was here again in my w/d I used all my inner strength that I could to never get so deep that I was unreachable.. Im really in awe of your constint ability to keep urself focused and always reaching out for support thats the best thing you could ever do in this w/d .Cause the truth is You are going to Beat this and this will End. You will heal and when your done because of all your conciousness your gonna be very good in every aspect of your life.. Hang in there and always know I am here for you .Stay close to any1 who gives you constint possitive reassurance and Know this.. If I can do it .. You can Do it..

Thank You for always allowing me to be part of your Journey and always trusting me enough to know I could never say this is I wasnt just like you..

Your friend Always ..~Jenny

[[ja...]]

Pan,Christine,Nick.

 

Thank you guys for stopping bye .. I havent been on as much and I hope your all feeling better

 

Hang in there and just keep fighting thru this.. This w/d is so mean and its so hard but your stronger and you will WIN...

 

~Jenny

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geez jen - i am in month 8 now and month 7 was better than 6 but i am still struggling hard these past 3 days.  it is the darn depression and morning anx.  i am kind of scared i guess.  i know that is a s/x but i guess i had my hopes up and now i am so off again. my faith feels weak.  i am so tired of feeling like this. 

[[ma...]]

Thank you Jaso19, & big congtrats!

Your posts help those still struggling to have hope,

Gracias,

margaretisabel

[[Pe...]]

Sweet P...HI

 

How are u? I have been thinking of you so much ..

Your so amazing you humble me with you constinit comitment not only to yourself ,But My god to every1 here who needs you so much..You help so many with all you solid information and continued reasurch you do on learning all the scientific aspect Its humbleing to me..  Your suffering so much and give yourself so freely to every1 else ..Your a very amazing woman Missy..

 

How is you hands ? Are you starting to feel a difference yet in the way your brain fires these messages to you functioning yet.. If not P it will.. It took me some time to so just know all fuctioning will return and youll get all of it back!!!

Hope ur holidays were good and just know this is the year that belongs to you and the Healed YOU..Yipppiiee

 

P.. Im so sorry to read about what you and your husband are going thru rt now with his health and job. I know 1 thing hes in the BEST hands ever ..{YOURS}

 

~Jenny

 

Jenny,

 

Sorry it took me so long to reply to this...not only have I been busy helping my husband with the Diabetes, which incidentally we now have his fasting blood sugar down to 104 from 220  , but the radio card in my computer also bit the dust so I had to go out and purchase a new one.

 

I have been busy making home made mayo, salad dressing, bread, crackers...you name it, in order to give me and hubby the freshest healthiest diets possible.  But sadly I am still struggling with my motor control and coordination which can make these activities rather frustrating at times.

 

I have been getting more than the usual numbness and nerve pain in my arms and hands, which I am hoping is a good sign.

 

I was so moved that you remembered so much about my own personal situation, you are a very kind and giving person Jen.  I won't be on the forum as much as I used to be as I am trying to get back more into life and less into the computer.  I hope you are doing well and will check in from time to time!

[[KR...]]

Jenny... I just know after reading your success story AGAIN healing really has to happen. You were one jacked up girl driving around in your mini van for 15 months while in w/d.  Kidding. I mean your still sort of messed up outside of withdrawl. But in a much better way I must say.  Thanks again for the recipe for your FAMOUS wholemade spaghetti sauce with Ramen Noodles. I really didn't think it would taste good , but it DOES!!!! Your Lemonade Chicken is the bomb to. I have to admit i was worried after seeing the chicken soak in lemonaid for 3 days. But i had faith in your cooking and it came out GREAT. Little chewy. But good. I feel both of these meals have helped my GABA substantially.  How many batches of chocolate chip cookies did you make again while in withdrawl? I'm trying to remember.... Do you feel they helped or hurt your symptoms?? LOL

 

JRock

[[ja...]]

Bahahahahhaha

OMG Lmao...

 

Thats it LMao for real hahahha

 

Im so laughing so bad rt now

 

 

[[ja...]]

Jenny... I just know after reading your success story AGAIN healing really has to happen. You were one jacked up girl driving around in your mini van for 15 months while in w/d.  Kidding. I mean your still sort of messed up outside of withdrawl. But in a much better way I must say.  Thanks again for the recipe for your FAMOUS wholemade spaghetti sauce with Ramen Noodles. I really didn't think it would taste good , but it DOES!!!! Your Lemonade Chicken is the bomb to. I have to admit i was worried after seeing the chicken soak in lemonaid for 3 days. But i had faith in your cooking and it came out GREAT. Little chewy. But good. I feel both of these meals have helped my GABA substantially.  How many batches of chocolate chip cookies did you make again while in withdrawl? I'm trying to remember.... Do you feel they helped or hurt your symptoms?? LOL

 

JRock

OK I had to catch my breath before I responded.. Wheew that was so funny how you just never quiet hear exactly what I say.Where to start? Alright are you trying to make me look bad JRock? Geez. You know I told you I drove a Station Wagon! Not a Mini Van! OMG I would have been so  .Sure I was a bit messed up prior to W/D but hey I made it all the way to the 10th grade now that's saying something.Now about my Infamous Spaghetti Sauce . Never Ramen noodles o my.. That's just silliness. Its Lipton noodles , Lmao Lemonade chicken come on who does that??? What kind of cook do you think I am ? Its Koolade Chicken .No wonder  yours was chewy.And just ewww on letting it sit for 3 days!!! Its 5 days sheez Huge difference HUge . I just don't think you really listen when I talk .But you may be onto something If it helped your Gaba than  way to Go!!!

O my homemade cookies I had to make from scratch every day .Yummy. And I don't think using garlic cloves hurt my Gaba one bit  ..All in all Thank God I have a cool car and Brains to kill.With  the Best recipes in town 

Im really glad I was able to clear this up ..I would have looked BAD!!!!!!!Lmao

 

OHHH And lets not forget about the Deep Dish Pizza... Yummy now that was some real Italian Secret recipe.That I dont give to just anyone

 

BAHAHA~Jenny

[[Re...]]

Secret withdrawal cookies with garlic cloves. Hmmmm.

[[...]]

Jenny babe - that was so funny!  really funny- kool aid chicken!!

hey - i actually loved my life today.  loved the laughing teenagers. i love you so much...i keep looking at my closet and remember you told me i will be into wearing all those things again someday.

i wear docker pants and tops to school everyday..and sneakers.  smile.  but i still look good, of course.

stay wonderful.  love you forever.xoxoxo

[[ja...]]

Pan Hi!!!

 

So glad you stopped bye. Aww im so happy you Loved your life today thats so wonderful Pan. Im also glad you knew I was totally kidding about the Koolade Chicken wheew lol

I cant wait until you have all of those days everyday! Your doing so wonder Pan . I may be a bit quiet here lately but I have still been keeping up on your progress

You remember I said that about your cloths in your closet aww. I ment it to. I bet u look fantastic everyday Pan.. Thank you for coming bye Yay.

 

P.S. I love you to Pan 

 

~Jenny

[[KR...]]

OK Jenny. So I messed up a couple of your recipes. LOL I'm just going to go to Panera Bread and chill from here on out. I can go there and order some soup in a bread bowl. I can then go chill in the back corner by the fireplace away from all the humans. You can even wear your sunglasses in there so everyone doesn't know how cracked out you really are.  What a great place to go while in w/d. Good food. Hot tea. Wi-Fi connection and a bunch of people that wont leave you by yourself if your having intrusive thoughts.  Now that my kind of place. You can even sit there all day if you like. There's no time limit. Yippie!! It beats the hell out of being alone at home with no one around. Panera Bread ranks #1 in my book as the best Benzo Friendly place to go while in withdrawl. LOL

 

JRock

[[ja...]]

Secret withdrawal cookies with garlic cloves. Hmmmm.

Pammy!!! LOL

 

Garlic cloves in Cookies Lmao just Gross.. I was just a Teasing ! Dont Do IT hahha

 

 

[[ja...]]

Krock...

 

Panera Bread is Awsome!!! I love it. Your rt .They have a nice fireplace and good warm food.My fav is the Broccoli Soup Yummy! Im so glad you have a place of Comfort to go to.It so beats staying home .

Keep doing what your doing .And soon all of this will be so far behind YOU.. Cant wait!

 

~Jenny

[[pa...]]

Hi jenny!

It's been awhile since I've seen your posts on the forum. I took a 2 month break from posting but I came back again. Member Vertigo helped to bring me back in.

It looks like form your last responses that your usual cheeriness is holding strong and I take this as a sign that you are doing great!

Keep on keeping on!

So nice to see you back on the forum!

[[ja...]]

Pang..Hello!

 

Hi Pang how are you? I'm so glad you stopped bye.Its been awhile. I to have been taking a break a bit. I'm really glad Verti got you to come back!! Yay Vertigo! You always give such encouragement and Help to so many. I'm doing OK Pang been pretty busy. When I went into c/t almost 2 years ago I had to stop doing the 2 things I love due to sxs and loss of function in my hands. That's being a Makeup artist and a Jewelry designer. Ive been so upset over that because one.I had a business for 12 years as a makeup artist I love it so much. I used to do all kinds of clients. Potfolio work,Runway,I did a movie short film that was awesome. Also Miss Universe and Miss America I did there Potfolios for that . But what was the most important to me was the normal things like .Weddings or just someone who wanted to feel Beautiful on a special occasion. I love making them feel wonderful about themselves I miss it. Alot. But I haven't had the passion to start to Reclaim my business and contact my old client base yet...

What I did start to do was design Jewelry again. I started my own Business in that 4 years ago.It was so Successful and I missed it . I never thought I would be able to do that again .I just couldn't finds the Inspiration anywere! Plus I have to use tools and I didn't think I could with all the sxs I had.. Well I can And I am And Yay!!! LOL.. Ive been working like maybe 6 or 7 hour a day lately and I'm almost done with a New Funky Jaso  Line lol.. Back to Work finally after almost 2 years. Thanks God! I have been nothing short of BORING lately .. It just feels really good to have my Creative side Flowing again. Come this weekend I have appointment with a Web Designer and Creative Marketer to get my Website up and running.I have to meet up with 2 old Clients and made contacts with previous Companies who Distribute my Line ... So its all good.Whats great is I make my own hours ,I work from home and I can still be here when ever I want.Its great no restrictions .I have 2 Most Important commitments Ive made in my heart that matter more then ANYTHING else..That's being here for my family Everyday the best I can! And Being here 100% for my Friend going thru this w/d all the way thru it till the END!!! Nothing can stand before That!!!All this other stuff means nothing compaired to those Commitments .At least not to me! There just stuff and take the back seat to what Matters !

Pang how have you been? Hows church going? Are you still singing there? I hope your feeling good Pang you really deserve this!! Thank you for coming and saying Hello to me

 

P.S If your ever in Nordstrums or Sax Fifth Avenue and buy your wife a piece of Jewls and it says ...

Joia Bella.. That's ME that's ME !!!!!! Its Jenny!!!! LOL

 

~Jenny

[[pa...]]

Wow Jenny, that's quite a response!

I'm so happy for you that your creativity and enthusiasm are running so high and I wish you the best!

'Joia Bella', does this mean beautiful joy? Myself, knowing Spanish, this might be: 'Alegria Bella'.

I think it's wonderful that you have jumped back into life with such energy and gusto... our world truly needs people like you!

Yes, I am still pretty active at church. I have been solo cantoring/singing there these last few weeks. I may again do this next Sunday. I am on an on call part time basis at work and when I don't work, I try to help out at my kids school. They both go to our local Catholic school here and the school always needs volunteers to help with projects.

I am planning to chaperon 2 upcoming field trips with my sons' and daughters' classes. My daughter will graduate from 8th grade this year and I'm scheduled to do the music for the ceremony.

Again, my best wishes to you as you continue your journey through life! It is always nice to see a fellow graduate again here on the forum.

Take care and Godbless you alawys!

[[Su...]]

Hi Jenny!  It's ME!!! I'm doing really good, not quite 100% but well on my way...sure wish I lived near you...I would love to feel "beautiful for a  day"..haven't felt that in a few years.   

 

I'm thinking of purchasing a Clarisonic...do you think it's worth the money? I can't afford facials or peels, but this product gets good reviews on "refinishing" skin..i have a dull complexion ever since benzo w/d began..just no brightness like I used to have...also do you recommend any good wrinkle creams? I have those 2 wrinkles forming between my eyes from frowning so much this past 2 years...lol...the 2 vertical lines that look like the number 11!  lol

 

You should post some pics of your jewelry you make! I'd love to see it!

[[al...]]

Hello sweetie!!Its been a while.I don't really come on the forums to much anymore..I am so glad to see you are doing well!!I hope that you and your family are doing wonderful..I always pray for you and think of all the times you helped me...I am now 4 months and 20 days off and counting..its a slow process you know it..I wish nothing but healing and happiness for you ..you were always so sweet to me and I want to thank you for that. On my way now to the hospital cause my sister is having the baby!!!I'm so excited! I'm gonna be an aunt!! GOD BLESS YOU!!..take care Jenny:)

[[...]]

  oh s weet wonderful Jenny - what a great update!  unbelievable!  i am so happy for you dearest one.  i wrote down the jewelry line;  maybe when i get my screenplays on the big screen your jewelry will be on everyone..it could happen!

i will always be so thankful to you jen for the time you spent consoling me thru this.  it is a priceless gift.  thank yo   so much for the hope yo give us.

[[ja...]]

Hi Jenny!  It's ME!!! I'm doing really good, not quite 100% but well on my way...sure wish I lived near you...I would love to feel "beautiful for a  day"..haven't felt that in a few years.   

 

I'm thinking of purchasing a Clarisonic...do you think it's worth the money? I can't afford facials or peels, but this product gets good reviews on "refinishing" skin..i have a dull complexion ever since benzo w/d began..just no brightness like I used to have...also do you recommend any good wrinkle creams? I have those 2 wrinkles forming between my eyes from frowning so much this past 2 years...lol...the 2 vertical lines that look like the number 11!  lol

 

You should post some pics of your jewelry you make! I'd love to see it!

Aww Sunny!!!!

 

Oh Sunny im so glad you came bye.. Wow Im so glad your feeling better .Soon you will be at 100% Yay. I think the Clarisonic is Good. It will make your skin feel real soft and will restore that brightness. Or you can do what I do.. Fake it ...Airbrush the hell out of every wrinkle ..Bahahah. Kidding I dont do that. Idk any real good wrinkle creams Im not much on skin care. Just how to make ther skin look its best the Fake way.. Makeup!!! I can paint the hell out of a face.. Na I do very soft work.. Unless Requested.. Dam those frown lines.. I hear ya. Looks like Im pissed off always. Im like Oh no.. W/d did this to me. Go away. Go away... Im Happy Im not mad.. LOL

 

Sunny I am so happy u came bye..Thank you!!!! I can not until ur at 100%. It wasnt until I was at month 15 were I was able to say goodbye to W/D

 

Oh yea I should post some stuff its super cool .I have a kinda diff style tho. Very Industrial and Organic, Along with sterling silver and swavorski crystal.I do alot of banged up metal and copper to.  I also do alot of shambala and karma pieces and chinese methods with Jewlery for healing and protection. Id have to learn how to upload pics lol.

 

~Jenny