Summer 2019 Jumpers - Focus Forward and Reintegration

[[Li...]]

Libr....I'm so glad you saw my message.  I truly am so happy for you!  And Gardner too of course.  You weren't on the drug super long...you will heal and feel great again. 

 

As for me, I've been on it way too long!  21 years now!  After looking at the updosing and long term user groups, I've decided AGAIN that I will stay on my benzo since it has always worked so good and still continues to.  I don't expect to live a long life and I want the remainder to be be pleasant. 

 

Gardener99...I agree with your plans on moving forward and stepping away from BB. Your P-log will be helpful for many to come.  You have done wonders for me and many others.  It's time to focus on just you now.  I wish you the best in becoming med free.  I will never forget you!  I always wonder what happened to Oscar trying to get off his Librium...sounds like he failed but he's not on here anymore.  He did a somewhat fast taper down after 24 years on that stuff.  I will probably get off here again....I was for 3 years and it helped to just be off here.  too triggering and paranoia sets in.

 

Love to you all!

[[Li...]]

[[...]]

Gardie- what a wonderful positive note. I understand the decision to step away from moderating- idk how do you did it. I understand the guilt. But just cuz you step away for now doesn’t mean it’s forever. I was told by a wise woman not to get involved in advocacy for at least 6 mo after feeling healed. There is no guilt in taking care of yourself. I was everything to everyone else too for a long time and I’m finding myself now. It’s a little scary at times but it’s a good thing to get used to. I am also trying to move forward IRL but a huge part of me lies in the benzo community and the real life folks won’t ever get it. I can’t completely put his behind me but I also don’t want it to define me.

 

Here’s to 2020 - our year to be healed!

[[Ma...]]

Hi Gardie and Libr,

Thanks for making me feel welcome to share what is on my mind.

 

I have been taking a supplement called phosphatidylserine (soy lecithin). (If soy is an issue for you other brands offer sunflower lecithin).  This was recommended by a Naturopathic Doctor (ND) I have just begun seeing.  She says it sensitizes pituitary gland to cortisol, thyroid, and sex hormones to prevent wakening at night, to reduce stress, to support focus. Interestingly, she recommended I take it at night to help sleep and then in the a.m. as soon as I awaken because my anxiety is highest in the mornings.  But, for me, it actually made my sleep worse.  So now I am only taking it on wake-up at 5:00am when I am awakened by cortisol surge.  My anxiety is strongest from 5:00am until maybe noon or even sometimes as late as 3:00pm. I am getting real relief from anxiety and my morning blood sugar readings have improved (not perfect).  The big question is:  Will it continue to have an effect? Or will it lose it's efficacy over time?

 

If you would decide to try this you may need to play around with the times of day that make the most sense to your body since we all came to be in this situation for very different reasons and reactions.

 

There are other combo products on the market. Many of the combo products do have other ingredients that are on the GABAergic list so DO read labels.  The other suggestion I have is not to skimp on price here--buy one of the best quality manufacturers so you know you are getting what you think you are getting.  Go to ConsumerLab.com for recommendations.

 

Here is an article by Julia Ross:

 

https://www.juliarosscures.com/identifying-and-correcting-elevated-cortisol-levels/

 

I hope you find this helpful.

 

Hi guys,

 

I have been reading your Summer 2019 jump thread to gauge post jump symptoms and specifically anxiety.  I am curious as to how your cortisol surges/morning anxiety are playing out now that you are 6+ months post jump?  Any improvement?  Any other suggestions to impart on managing this symptom?  I am 6 weeks post jump off of klonopin and debilitating anxiety is my most persistent symptom.  How are you all doing?  I'm so happy for you all!

[[...]]

Maitri-  congratulations on your jump!!  I’m not quite 6 mo off yet. But when I first came off , anxiety got worse for a while. By 3 mo off it was much better. Now it’s even better but not totally gone. Healing is hard to gauge bc sxs come and go. Cortisol spikes still happen much less. How to manage... same as during the taper. Coping skills, self-care, rest, and time. Exercise is supposed to help w/ cortisol but initially will increase cortisol. If you had anxiety before w/d, maybe dealing with that with a therapist would be helpful too. Hope this helps.

[[Ma...]]

Maitri-  congratulations on your jump!!  I’m not quite 6 mo off yet. But when I first came off , anxiety got worse for a while. By 3 mo off it was much better. Now it’s even better but not totally gone. Healing is hard to gauge bc sxs come and go. Cortisol spikes still happen much less. How to manage... same as during the taper. Coping skills, self-care, rest, and time. Exercise is supposed to help w/ cortisol but initially will increase cortisol. If you had anxiety before w/d, maybe dealing with that with a therapist would be helpful too. Hope this helps.

 

Libr,

 

Thank you for your helpful response!  When I first jumped I couldn't leave the house at all and the days dragged on.  My goal was to get to six weeks as a lot of what I read seemed to suggest that there would be some alleviation of symptoms at 6 weeks, then again at 3 months, 4 months and 6 months.  I know that everyone's time tables are very different, but for me on the really hard days it helps to have a date in sight where there could possibly be some slight symptom relief.  Right around my 6 week mark last week I had a 3 day window that gave me the most hope I've had in years.  I've been back in a stress triggered wave for a few days now and it is almost impossible to remember what the window felt like.  It is the most frustrating feeling.  I have to keep reminding myself not to grasp at feelings.  I try and go to a gentle yoga class when I can as that always leads to at least some mood improvement.  I am going to go research some articles now on self-care and coping strategies to make sure I am maximizing these tools.  Thanks again Libr!

[[ca...]]

Maitri

My anxiety was mild pre benzo and should have never been prescribed a benzo but.....here I am. I'm going on 8 months off and the anxiety has gotten worse for me. The first few months off wasn't bad and things seemed to improve but then anxiety is getting worse at month 5-7.  It doesn't seem worse in the mornings, it pretty much stays with me throughout the day now until around 4 pm.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around this and just hoping it'll get better over time.

[[Ma...]]

Caltn,

 

That just sucks about your anxiety.  It makes me really frustrated for your situation.  Do you have any practices that you feel help alleviate that anxiety at all?  Does it all of a sudden let up a bit around 4pm every day?  I find anxiety to be literally painful.  Life just hurts while feeling anxious all the time.  I have so much empathy for you. 

 

Mai

[[ca...]]

I finally figured out that my system is so sensitive I believe the BP medicine is starting to cause issues. I've been on BP meds way before benzos and never an issue. Now I feel weird all the time, more stomach issues, BP going up for no reason, nausea, and then all that causes my anxiety to ramp up.

I have a medical exam next month, hopefully my doctor can get my BP meds changed to something that'll still work with the least amount of issues.

[[...]]

Today marks 6 mo off for me. Significantly better but not healed. Sxs still up and down. Have to be careful about my activity. I can’t believe it’s been 6 mo. I am grateful to be off and hope the healing continues!

 

How is everyone doing?

 

I’d like to start carefully upping my exercise. Anyone have any advice on this?

 

 

[[ca...]]

Things have been better for me, I switch some BP meds which the nausea and generally feeling sick is gone.  I do seem to have a lot more energy, still get vibrations when I push myself at work. I feel myself healing which is a plus...….

LIbr- walking would be the first start and that's what I plan to do soon.

[[Ma...]]

Caltn - glad you are feeling a bit better and congratulations on 6 months Libr!!!

 

As for exercise have you ever tried yoga?  There are gentle and slow yoga classes that help me immensely.  The focus on breathing makes it so that I feel a huge relief in anxiety after the class. The poses also help with muscle soreness and aches.  There are many online platforms for classes that have free introductory offers and there are always free videos on youtube if you feel unable to make it in to a studio.  I depend on going to the studio to get me out of the house every day so I prefer to do that over taking classes online, but I supplement with online classes to help me with the relentless anxiety I have.  A 20 minute yin yoga class can help me get out of a panic attack.  I am only 8 weeks off and managing anxiety is a full time job.  Do you notice having less anxiety at 6 months off?

 

Love

Mai

[[ca...]]

My anxiety wasn't bad 2-4 months post benzo unless I got around a large crowd at a restaurant where everyone is talking. Now my anxiety has ramped up but the sxs from it are different. I push through it and at the end of the day I notice my brain adapting to things different and slightly healing. I know it's just a matter of time is all I need to be healed. That is the question we all wonder is how long is this going to take.

[[ca...]]

Like to hear from others here, how's everyone doing? Today marks 8 months off.

My anxiety is improving finally to the point I can socialize and not feel overwhelmed.

I still get the usual sxs that happen everyday about the same time.  Overall things are improving for sure.

 

[[Ma...]]

Caltn - congrats on 8 months!  I feel so envious!  It is so nice to read that your anxiety has improved to where you can socialize.  I have been isolating as my anxiety is so bad I cannot hold a conversation.  It gets so lonely.  I am 9 1/2 weeks post jump from klonopin and anxiety and body aches and pain are currently my two predominant symptoms.  I wake up every morning with terrible anxiety and it stays with me until the evening.  It is frustrating that when I finally start feeling a bit better I go to bed and then wake up with the anxiety again.  It keeps me in these very tiny windows of relief.  Anyway 8 months is fantastic and I am so happy for you!

[[ca...]]

One thing I've noticed is I still get anxiety but it easily goes away once I confront the situation.  It gets easier by the day and I know it'll be gone soon. I just got over the flu and boy did that ramp things up but today I feel fine with some minor aches.

 

[[Go...]]

        Been awhile since I’ve posted. 6 months off. Feeling better every day. I can eat just about everything. Vitamins don’t bother me. So I think I’ll have a few beers over Christmas. Got sicker and sicker for 2 weeks, then slowly better after that. Back now to feeling like I did before I drank. I have decided to not touch alcohol at all ever again. No problem there. I didn’t like the feeling it gave me. I used to love it. No more. It was quite the setback.

    I was so sick mentally and physically during the taper, esp. during the first year and a half, that now I think Im well until I have to remember something. Forget what Im saying. Forget what Im doing, etc. but still better all the time.

    I exercise without problems as long as I don’t overdo it.

    I’ll post again in 3 months. GC 

   

[[...]]

caltn and goodchance - so great to hear you are both doing so much better!

 

how long will full healing take - that is the question, isn't it?

 

on exercise front, I do a hatha yoga class once a week. I do walk on a treadmill 2-3x/wk, and started adding in a tiny bit of jogging. Started some gentle body wt strengthening exercises.  Just starting to ramp up so will see how it goes. 

[[Go...]]

Just another strange thing during the taper was I would work out with weights and no matter how hard I wouldn't get sore. No muscle growth either. Now when I work out I get sore. Like you're supposed to. Bulking up now too. Oh well, that's behind me. Moving on.

   

[[ca...]]

I haven't been here in a long time and hope everyone is doing well. June 8th will mark my 1 year off this poison. I'm doing very well and almost feel normal. I still have some slight vibrations in my legs that come and go and some ringing in my ears that come and goes.  I do everything I want, nothing slowing me down now. I'm enjoying life, I socialize, and I"m very active. 

I started a Keto diet , really not sure if that has helped or not but it does make me feel better cutting out most carbs.

I limit my coffee though, I only drink about 2 cups in the morning and that's it.

Hope this finds everyone well and healing.

[[...]]

Wow, that’s great news caltn!  Would you say you’re healed? Like ready for writing a success story?  Amazing that’s it’s been almost a year for you- time moves much faster when every moment isn’t insane torture!

 

I’m at 9 mo off and doing bc alright but still healing. In quarantine with the family and the slower pace of life is good for me. Feeling much better but definitely still some sxs. Hoping they fade out soon. My energy is pretty good and mentally I’m almost healed I think. Still with constant ringing in left ear, muscle twitches and muscle tension.

 

Would love to hear updates from others!

[[ca...]]

Libr, Gardener

 

So nice to hear from you  and sounds like our level of healing is normal at this stage. I wouldn't say I'm healed yet cause I still have lingering sxs that come on at the same time everyday. It's so weird I know what they are and I mention the experience to my wife and she just can't believe I'm still having them. My wife is an RN , she once dosed patients with benzos, and is in shock that these tiny pills can cause so much damage. It's all been a learning experience in more ways than anyone can imagine. I know everyone on here often wonders if they'll ever heal.  Things are slow here also, I work for a research hospital and yes the corona has things at a slow pace.

I'll write my success story soon, but I want to be completely healed.  I hope others read these posts and know there is hope and is real recovering and healing coming.

 

[[ki...]]

@[LI...]

 

Going back to your very first post, how did you deal with the anger of missing out on so much? I am very early in the recovery process but as i digest everything emotionally i cant help but get angry at the fact that i was not myself for 6+ years. I have done some rad things over the years but i either didnt fully appreciate things at that time due to an altered state of mind (mostly apathy and crippling anxiety), or i didnt partake in a lot of things.

 

Im not consumed by the anger, but i am acknowledging that it is something i am kicking around in my brain

[[Wa...]]

Don't know if I can join this group or not as I jumped in spring of 2019. I just found this thread.

 

I'm so glad to hear that most of you are so much better and near healed. I jumped at the beginning of April after a rapid 2 month taper. Still pretty symptomatic and I will be 15 months off next week. Wish I was doing so much better and I'm trying not to compare myself to others. 

[[...]]

Warrior24- yes you’re welcome to post here. You can’t compare where you are at a particular time point off benzos- can’t compare with others who had a very different taper style than you. The healing time is healing time. You had a rapid taper. You still have healing. I did a slow MT- so by the time I jumped, a lot of healing had happened. Doesn’t make sense to compare your sxs to a slow taperer. But you will heal too.

 

Kickbenzos- good ?, idk. I guess I tried reminding myself of the positives I gained, the good experiences I did have despite the w/d. But I think mostly, the anger just fades with time, as I got back into life. Started thinking less about benzos and w/d. The intensity of the anger just faded... like all other w/d sxs. Congrats on your jump!

 

Caltn- I’m so happy to hear how well you’re doing and look forward to your success story. I know my husband doesn’t even think abt benzos or that I can still have sxs.  But I don’t need him to. I’ve learned I don’t need him to understand or sympathize with everything in me. I’ve met so many wonderful supportive people along this journey... including myself.