Summer 2019 Jumpers - Focus Forward and Reintegration

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Caltn- I have a lot of anxiety too. It’s w/d. I hope it fades soon for all of us.

 

Gardie- great to hear you’re less easily triggered. Did you do MBSR training or a course? If online, can you share details? How long and when did you do it? Seems like it has helped you.

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Thanks Gardie for the details!

I’ve done a lot of guided meditations on you tube. The body scan ones don’t work so well for me right now- guess I don’t like focusing on my body in this state. I agree- follow breath meditation is hot or miss, mostly miss right now.

Another good resource for free meditations is fragrantheart.com

I haven’t formally learned MBSR but I did start my meditation journey with a book called Mindfulness which I liked. Again- daily meditation exercises.

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Anything that happens post-taper spikes my anxiety big time- esp health stuff.  I feel like a mine field.  I was just wondering myself if/when out nerves will be able to tolerate some stress w/o detonating?

 

My husband is going away for a few days for work and I'm freaking out abt how I'm going to take care of me and the 2 kids on my own.  I'm basically begging family members to come help me. 

 

Gardie - the cold and the anxiety will pass - we've got your back, hang in there!

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They are 7 and 11.  That means 2nd grade and 6th grades.  I just can't wake/function early enough to get the older one to school so early.  The little one starts much later and I can walk her to school.  And I work too (part-time).  He'll be gone for 5 days!  I'm exhausted just thinking about it.  You're right, anticipatory anxiety is rough. 

 

I used to be so independent.

 

I hope you feel better really soon Gardie!

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Libr, Gardie

 

I believe we're all in the same place of post taper, wow the anxiety I experience sometimes at work makes me wonder if I'm ill but then it all calms down in the afernoons. I experience a lot of work stress, a lot of it I bring on myself. 

 

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So sweet Gardie - thanks for the banner - made me smile and laugh! 

 

I like this group too - a cozy place to heal together.

 

Yeah, my older one has to wake at 7am and leave home by 7:35 to get the bus.  I'm never out of bed by then!  My younger one doesn't have to leave home til close to 9am to walk to school.  Great ideas and suggestions, thank you.  Older one doesn't have a phone but we will figure something out.  Plus my husband will be 3 hours back (so it will be 4am his time).  Fortunately, my older one is independent with handling her homework and is a good student.  And my 2nd grader hardly gets any homework.  But great idea to inform their teachers if I need to.  I think my mom will come for a couple of days so that will help a lot.  It is so hard being sick and trying to be there for my kids and for my job.  My girls are so sweet and compassionate - they take care of me as much as I take care of them it seems.  They don't ever remember a time when I wasn't sick - made me so sad to hear that.

 

It must have been fun to be a 5th grade teacher - such a fabulous age! 

 

Caltn - yes, we are together in this - I hate that any of us are suffering but it's nice to know we are kinda on the same path and what we're experiencing is par for the course.  Sorry abt the work stress.  Would it help to take very short scheduled breaks during the work day to ground yourself?  Like 2 deep, mindful breaths at the top of every hour?  Or repeat a mantra before phone calls.  Or a power pose before a meeting?  Idk - I keep making up stuff as I go.  There are even driving to work meditations on you tube - they won't make you sleepy and help keep the mind grounded during the commute.

 

 

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Libr

 

I remember when I first started having problems my gastro doctor ask me some questions about when and where my stomach started to have pain. I explained how and when and then he had me fill out this questionnaire sheet.  Basically he  said I was a type of person that worried all the time and he was correct. My mind was always going non stop, thinking about this worrying about that.

I look back and wished I've never taken that Librax he prescribed me, that was the start of benzos.

But your mind is a powerful thing, then you start taking drugs to cope with things for several years then take that drug away, no wonder we have issues and withdrawals.

I try to focus on positive things now, just relax and not worry. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about something and notice I'm all tensed up. Not sure how to stop it other than thinking to myself and I have to do it all the time.  Think positive, think positive.

Right now my anxiety is very high even when I'm not worried about crap, man it really takes a lot of you  at this stage.

Rebound anxiety I guess that's what  you call it. It's  terrible.

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Thanks Gardie!

Caltn- I hear you. Yes this is rebound anxiety. I also have to constantly catch myself and say think positive. Or think abt this good memory. Distract. Listen to something inspirational. Etc. it’s constant. And it is exhausting. But I guess this is what we have to do right now. You’re not alone.

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For me, I do not feel I have rebound anxiety because I did not have anxiety before I took the benzo.  I went on the benzo for sleep.  Not really insomnia (which I consider trouble falling asleep).  My sleep was what I call aware sleep.  I was never really sure if I slept unless I was exhausted the next day because my brain was always aware even when I was sleeping. 

 

The first sign of anxiety was in tolerance.  I felt anxious for no reason.  That’s why I wanted to get off this drug.  Anxiety increased during the taper and now it is it’s worst in the recovery period after being off. 

 

I have been having a bit of an epiphany about anxiety...I became borderline diabetic while on the drug.  But during withdrawal and now recovery my blood glucose has increased quite a bit.  I know this because I test my blood sugar every morning.  I recently did cortisol testing and it is quite elevated.  I think the key is to figure out how to lower cortisol and I bet my blood glucose will come back down to prediabetic level. 

 

When I look at it like this I think there are ramifications from the cortisol/anxiety on other health systems in the body.  I have to wonder if just “waiting it out” isn’t necessarily the best option for me. What good is it for me to be so strictly abstinent from supplements only to risk diabetes and all it’s complications? LET ME SAY RIGHT NOW THAT I AM NOT SAYING YOU CAN GET DIABETES FROM TAKING BENZOS!! I have a genetic propensity to diabetes in my family.  I am just wondering if the increased cortisol isn’t tipping me over the line.

 

There is a supplement that blocks cortisol and from what I can tell it does not work on GABA receptors.  I have dabbled a bit and the reduction in blood sugar and the correlated reduction in anxiety is quite strong.  I am not pushing this idea.  Only sharing my thoughts.  I have no idea if it will even continue to be effective. 

 

Please don’t chop my head off!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Circlestar- good to see you here again. You’re right abt cortisol and real ramifications. What do you take that’s helping cortisol? No one will get offended or high-horse here. I’m glad it’s helping you. I guess I don’t have rebound anxiety either then bc I didn’t have anxiety before either. But it’s anxiety for sure now- chemical, health, post-traumatic, amygdala in fire... whatever we want to call it, it’s here. And I want my calm, carefree self back!!

 

Gardie- working has kept my brain stimulated. I work 2.5 days/wk. so enough to be busy but not so much that it’s overwhelming. I’m like you- I get so bored at home (depressed) but too stimulated to do anything much (anxious). Talk abt a catch 22. Such a fine line. I know what you mean abt needing to feel useful. I guess see how moderating goes and if it’s too benzo-triggering, take another break. I understand the waffling b/w wanting to get benzo involved and wanting to run away from all things benzo. I think once we are healed, we will know if we want to get involved in this or put it behind us. I go back and forth right now too. FWIW, A wise advocate once told me to wait til you’ve been off for at least 6 mo before getting involved.

 

I never had insomnia or anxiety or any neuro stuff before this. But then one mistake led to another and here I am With 100 different Sxs. My journey was severe laryngospasm leading to no sleep for a week. Was caused by steroid/PPI I think. Anyway, magnesium cured the spasm. Stopped magnesium and went into acute- had no idea. Eventually ended up back on magnesium (but less) and Klonopin to manage the w/d sxs from magnesium- namely Hypnic jerks. Tried coming off K and Hopkins neurologist said any sxs that last more than a week after CT K can’t possibly be related to K (although I didn’t CT, I just cut in half).  And here I am.

 

So I guess most of us have post-taper anxiety, sensitive CNS. I wish there were some way to mark progress like there was during the taper as we saw the dose go down. Any ideas???

 

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Hi Gardie and Libr,

Thanks for making me feel welcome to share what is on my mind.

 

I have been taking a supplement called phosphatidylserine (soy lecithin). (If soy is an issue for you other brands offer sunflower lecithin).  This was recommended by a Naturopathic Doctor (ND) I have just begun seeing.  She says it sensitizes pituitary gland to cortisol, thyroid, and sex hormones to prevent wakening at night, to reduce stress, to support focus. Interestingly, she recommended I take it at night to help sleep and then in the a.m. as soon as I awaken because my anxiety is highest in the mornings.  But, for me, it actually made my sleep worse.  So now I am only taking it on wake-up at 5:00am when I am awakened by cortisol surge.  My anxiety is strongest from 5:00am until maybe noon or even sometimes as late as 3:00pm. I am getting real relief from anxiety and my morning blood sugar readings have improved (not perfect).  The big question is:  Will it continue to have an effect? Or will it lose it's efficacy over time?

 

If you would decide to try this you may need to play around with the times of day that make the most sense to your body since we all came to be in this situation for very different reasons and reactions.

 

There are other combo products on the market. Many of the combo products do have other ingredients that are on the GABAergic list so DO read labels.  The other suggestion I have is not to skimp on price here--buy one of the best quality manufacturers so you know you are getting what you think you are getting.  Go to ConsumerLab.com for recommendations.

 

Here is an article by Julia Ross:

 

https://www.juliarosscures.com/identifying-and-correcting-elevated-cortisol-levels/

 

I hope you find this helpful.

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Thanks for the information, Circlestar.

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Sorry Gardie- I agree abt not having control. I hope it passes soon. I feel like I need constant reassurance these days.

You are strong and this too shall pass. Sending you good healing vibes.

 

Would be great to have a healed buddy on this thread to cheer us on and hold our hands...

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What's so frustrating is I feel good a few days and I think things are turning around then I get slammed. Yesterday I was busy around the house and felt well, went to bed and sleep well. Today I feel like I have the flu, no energy just feel zapped.  :tickedoff:

 

Sorry you feel so bad Gardie.

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Howdy to everyone!

 

I too have those windows and waves................. so I keep reminding myself that healing is non linear and ongoing.

The best way for me to understand what is happening is to reexplain it to myself often, yep that benzo brain must hear things over and over. So simply put - when one takes a benzo - within a short amount of time our brain recognizes this supplement and does several things. The glutamate ( excitatory) and receptors increases, as the gaba ( calming) and receptors decrease.  So when we begin tapering off a benzo we are now left with more glutamate and not enough gaba. wh/ keeps a brain very active and firing off all over, with  the inability to sooth or calm its self. I understand this takes a while to balance its self out and we remain in the state of symptoms till it does.  ( yes, I am preaching to myself, I need to remind myself of this today. )

I realize that is a very simplistic version, but it helps me understand what is happening as we all plug along together with our healing.

But rest assured, healing is ongoing and we are making progress even when we do not feel like it.  & believe me, I have those doubts this will ever end and that i am stuck in this state of being. ( yep, another benzo lie)

I am so very thankful for you guys and want you to know we are all in this together. 

 

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This might be a question I need to post in a different forum but I'll ask anyway.

Do anyone have a lot of muscle vibrations like in your legs, feet. Any numbness in feet?

I had this  when I was tapering then almost went away once I jumped.  Now I'm starting to have the vibrations again that last for hours with some numbness in my feet.

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Thanks Kasey for that reminder.

Caltn - I've had sxs dissappear and I thought were gone, gone for like 6 mo and return since I've stepped off.  I've had sxs come and go post-taper.  It cycles faster for me than during taper.  Try not to worry abt sxs returning right now - it's discouraging but I'm told it's par for the course.  It sucks, I agree.  It'll come and it'll go and repeat and one day it won't come back.  This is a weird phase indeed. 

 

I think during taper, we expected to feel kinda bad and saw our doses going down and felt good abt that - constant positive feedback. And there was a goal - zero.  Now, no positive feedback constantly and no definite goal on the horizon.  The goal now is recovery. So we keep comparing where we are now to recovery - and we aren't there yet obviously.  So maybe we are noticing all the sxs more in a way - like we want them all gone already.  But they aren't gone. So, it's negative feedback. And no tangible progress that is positive to offset that.  At least, I see myself in this kind of thinking.  Any ideas on this and what we can do about it  - to get some positive feedback, so sign of progress maybe, something to mark the time b/c otherwise it truly feels endless?

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Wow- thanks Gardie! Will reread those.

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Thanks Gardie for posting those. Sometimes during my taper I would read those stories, but as you well know we need reassurance everyday at this stage also.

These vibrations are really ramping up along with other things and now I have a head cold so I'm not sure what all I can take to avoid abating these sxs.

My energy level just dropped to empty...lol

I did read something similar that I've experienced is when I push myself at work or home I generally feel better than when I'm just sitting around.

I'm going through a wave right now and it's not good, hope if settles soon.

 

Happy Healing

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Caltn- thinking of you and sending healing vibes. Yes we still need lots of reassurance even in this stage. I think I’m still in a bit of shock on how much harder this phase is than I was expecting. Zero does not equal healed. I knew that but I didn’t fully appreciate how much more healing there is still to Go.

 

But we are in this together. No man or woman left behind. We have to lean on each other and keep encouraging each other.

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Thanks Libr

Ended up going to the doctor today, I have an ear infection with fluid on my ears. I got a sinus cocktail shot and they gave me a Zpak which is antibiotics.  I think I read someone's post before about antibiotics ramping up their sxs.

This weather here in Tennessee took a drastic change in the last week, it always does this time of year. It went from short weather last week to down to 32 degrees F last night with lots of rain.

I have several hobbies outdoors but looks like I'll being staying in the house for awhile.

 

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How are you doing caltn- any issues with the Zpak? Did it help?

 

Circlestar- any update on how you’re doing with that supplement?

 

Gardie- I hope moderating has become less triggering? You seem busy on BB!

 

I chatted w/ Baylissa today and she is sooo reassuring! She even says that no one has lasting PTSD from w/d. Amazing. She even said the health anxiety goes away.

 

Would love to hear from our other summer jumpers- check in- how are you feeling? What’s on your mind?

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I'm doing fine still have a congested head somewhat but not bad. I ended up not taking the Zpak for now until I really need it. I think the steroid shot helped more than anything.  I'm trying to avoid antibiotics cause I've heard several people had  issues with them.

My anxiety is still pretty high in the mornings at work, hoping it goes away soon. I'd like to be tested for my cortisol level but haven't had that checked yet. I'm sleeping better but I'd say that's about the only thing that has really improved.

My neck is still very stiff causing nerve pain but I guess that's expected since I have arthritis in my neck, it sure  does hurt but I keep comparing it to pre benzos where as I didn't have any issues at all.

 

Libr- thanks for the report about health anxiety going away, I really need some encouraging about that issue. My anxiety causes me to feel terrible. I could  go on and on but I'll leave it here.

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Yeah I have bad health anxiety too- I understand completely when you say it makes everything worse, Caltn. I do t know if I can heal with the health anxiety im having.

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Libr—So good you talked to Baylissa!  Is it the first time?  Will you talk to her on a regular basis?  Are you a member of her forum?  Please tell us more of what you learned!

 

Caltn—if you decide to do cortisol testing, I found that the 4x daily saliva test was best at showing the morning cortisol spike.  I believe this type of test is usually only done by functional/integrative medicine types.

 

Gardie—good on you!  I think you’ve made a fantastic step in healing to get out of the house!

 

I am still having good results with the morning dose of phosphatidylserine to lower morning cortisol/anxiety.  It’s like I went from a thunderstorm to a rainy day.  So not a perfect solution, but improvement for sure.  Interesting how anxiety is caused by imbalances in cortisol & neurotransmitters—something physical—not an emotional reaction.  That makes me hopeful that things will calm down.  Would love to know if any of you try it and find it helps.