Summer 2019 Jumpers - Focus Forward and Reintegration

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Jumped on August 16th after a 18 month taper off 1 mg of Clonazepam. I'm a wreck. Working fulltime, but I just come home from work and sit on the couch. Anxiety so high that I don't want to go to the gym or to the park with my dog or for a drive or for a walk or anything. I'm just finding myself sitting on my couch staring at the TV or staring at my phone. This feels worse than when I was tapering and that was bad.

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Welcome foolscapfire! Congratulations on your jump!!  You are doing great- working full time is a lot already. The body is still healing and it’s good you’re resting after work.

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Thank you. I just feel like such a slug. In my former life I was very active. Coming home and plopping on the couch was not my style. But I feel like cognitively I can't even make myself do anything after I've been at work all day using my brain.

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Foolscapfire - I have been reading your blogs and you AMAZE me. The fact that you have been able to work full time (and even receive a promotion) AMAZES me! I recently attempted to go back to work (my second attempt) and it did not go well. I had such a major panic attack and meltdown I cannot describe at 6 months off. I am mourning my career and the person I once was. I am embarrassed beyond belief and fear I have completely ruined my professional life, and as a single mom that scares the living shit out of me. 

 

Don't be too hard on yourself. At least you have managed to keep your life in tact in terms of working and career. I'm sure working helps keep once's self esteem (and bank account) in tact! The rest will come my friend. We are all slowly picking up the pieces. I too feel like things are getting worse before they get better but at least we are off and moving in the right direction. I know things will all be well once again someday. For some faster than others. The finish line is the goal, it doesn't matter if we run, walk or crawl across the damn thing, its just matters that we keep going and that we make it in our own time.

 

Thanks to you all for the POSITIVE blog space on here.

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Hey there and thank you.  Looks like you are a victim of the evil K as well. Thanks for the positive words. Luckily, though my job is a very intense at times and takes a lot of critical thinking, I usually only work 35 hours a week and I'm pretty much left alone to do my own thing. I have 12 years experience in my field, and so my supervisors are very confident in my abilities. However I'm always totally paranoid they're going to figure out that I'm not okay and I'm going to lose it and end up losing my job. I know this is paranoia but it doesn't make it feel any different you know?

I'm so sorry that you were unable to work, and that your career for now it's not moving forward. And being a single mom I can't imagine. I think it's amazing that you're taking care of your kids throughout this. My friend Nikki has a 14 year old daughter and she does such an amazing job even though she's an acute withdrawal from being cold turkey back in March of 2018.

I know that we will get better and that this is temporary, it's just hard to believe a lot of the time huh?

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. However I'm always totally paranoid they're going to figure out that I'm not okay and I'm going to lose it and end up losing my job. I know this is paranoia but it doesn't make it feel any different you know?

 

I know that we will get better and that this is temporary, it's just hard to believe a lot of the time huh?

 

Thanks for these comments- I feel the same. Going thru a rough patch myself.

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. However I'm always totally paranoid they're going to figure out that I'm not okay and I'm going to lose it and end up losing my job. I know this is paranoia but it doesn't make it feel any different you know?

 

I know that we will get better and that this is temporary, it's just hard to believe a lot of the time huh?

 

Thanks for these comments- I feel the same. Going thru a rough patch myself.

For sure. Sorry you're having these particular symptoms as well. They are maddening.

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I'm at 6 wks off.  Catln - you're right, the "in limbo" feeling is on its way out.  Still feel it's too early to judge how I'm doing.  It's kinda all over the map.

 

How's everyone doing??

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Goodchance here. Hi all. 23 days off now. Feel about the same as I did when I stepped off at 0. Feel about the same but not the same. I feel a little better. This means I'm better than I have been since the beginning of this mess.

  Being careful with what I eat, supplements (don't take any), exercise still easy stuff, etc.

Hopefully waiting. I'll let you all know more as time goes on.  I feel that (for me anyway) it is important to go to zero. I never understood why anyone would jump. Unless there is a toxic reaction to the drug. Someone told me (not on this forum) to take 4 to 6 months to reduce from .5 mg of Valium (or equivalent, .025 of clonazapam in my case). Worked for me so far. Time will tell. Everyone's different. Bye for now. Goodchance

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Hi all , been reading all your posts and am so thankful for them .

I am not finished my taper but near the end . Can anyone give some advice I have been liquid tapering very slowly off Ativan I am now at .225 at what number do you stop and if I move just s tiny bit too fast I get symptoms creeping in .

Thanks Lisa

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tech21. See Goodchance's post. Immediately above yours. Go slow at the end.  Go to zero.

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Thank you

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Good chance

Your aug 9 th post

Has answered so many questions for me , I thought I was going nuts again . Symptoms creeping in again some times for hours some times a couple days , thought I was in the clear but I guess it’s the nature of this horrible medication . Thanks for your insight .

Well wishes to you

Lisa

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Welcome goodchance and a congratulations!!  Looks like you did a very well planned slow taper. So glad you’re improving already. 4-6 mo for the last 0.5 V is interesting.

Keep posting to let us know how you’re doing and reintegrating. Wishing you wick healing!

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Hi all. I was very anxious, but I went to volunteer at the library for the first time in months yesterday. I wanted to share that little reintegration victory!

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Congrats! How are you doing?

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Hi all. I was very anxious, but I went to volunteer at the library for the first time in months yesterday. I wanted to share that little reintegration victory!

 

Congrats! How are you doing?

 

I'm pretty much the same as when I was tapering: some bad waves but usually just on edge most of the time and sleep awful. I have a link to my p-log in my signature. I try to remember to keep it current. How are you?

 

I'm doing better overall but as some things improve and the things that were better 3 months ago come back, if that makes any sense. It's very  hard to predict how I'm going to feel from day to day. I still have a great deal of anxiety at work which really make me tired. what's funny I do ok somedays then there this day I feel just awful. I have a meeting Thursday, going to be difficult. I just take it day by day and pray  for the best.

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I found this meme and had to share it. This was so me when I started my taper!

 

http://her-consulting.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/reality2-600x425.jpg

This is so true. Made me smile... even though it’s so not funny... Kwim.

 

Remind me, why do sxs come back?  Like if we’re now healing and not taking the med anymore. If some nerves “heal” why do those sxs come back?

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Thanks Gardie- I went back and read the full post. I had forgotten abt it. It is very good and reassuring. I wonder if Parker ever wrote a book or figured out any more of this puzzle.

 

Hang in there everyone. We are healing now and we are in this together. Thanks for the support and friendship on this thread!

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Hi BB

How's everyone doing as the summer is almost over?. Things are going well here I must say. The last week I have noticed a significant improvement in my head sxs and anxiety. I have finally been able to mingle with the normal crowd. I've been to two football games and have noticed some anxiety but then things calm down. The noise didn't bother me at all. I've been able to socialize some with friends , man what a relief. I thought I was going to be a freak forever!

My main sxs have been nerve pain in the neck and above my temples. I still have a little stiff neck from time to time but overall things are looking brighter for me.

Hope everyone is doing well.

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Hi BB

How's everyone doing as the summer is almost over?. Things are going well here I must say. The last week I have noticed a significant improvement in my head sxs and anxiety. I have finally been able to mingle with the normal crowd. I've been to two football games and have noticed some anxiety but then things calm down. The noise didn't bother me at all. I've been able to socialize some with friends , man what a relief. I thought I was going to be a freak forever!

My main sxs have been nerve pain in the neck and above my temples. I still have a little stiff neck from time to time but overall things are looking brighter for me.

Hope everyone is doing well.

 

So very happy to hear, this caltn! I have noticed improvement, too. I'm able to get out and do more without crashing from exhaustion. I still get anxiety but I think it's from being alone so long. Going out and having a normal life seems strange and makes me anxious. I've been able to take small steps toward confronting my fears (such as going to a baby shower) and so far have not been overwhelmed.

 

That's awesome! Glad to hear you're doing better. Looks like it's a matter of time.

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Hi all. Goodchance here. Just an update. Been off k since Aug. 20. Last night I slept 8 hours without waking! Been 3 years since that has happened. At the beginning I would wake 5 times or so per night. Last 6 months 2 or 3 times a night. I usually go back to sleep though. Now for the first time I slept all night. Woke up looked at the clock, 5AM, thought the clock was broke. I think I'm going to be O.K.

  Go slow and don't jump. Just my opinion. Bye now. Will update as time goes on. Goodchance. 

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Gardie- What do you mean a “chop at the Xanax”?  Are you still on Xanax?

 

Anxiety is pretty high for me. It is worse than the last 6 mo of my taper. Sigh.

Those tiny crumbs at the end were really doing something therapeutic for me! I remember “feeling “ it a bit- like calmer after I dosed.  So I guess I’m now feeling the lack of those little crumbs. Unbelievable!  Never had anxiety like this pre-w/d.

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Hi Libr,Gardi,

 

Just catching up on everyone.  Gardi glad to hear you're tapering the gap . Libr I'm experiencing some anxiety also. It comes and goes as one day is good and the other I'm having issues. I just push through it and tell myself it's going to get better. I can definitely  feel myself getting better. Sleep is mixed as some mornings I wait on the alarm clock and some morning I don't.

I still get some inner vibrations in my legs, muscles get stiff in neck and feet.  I get the same sxs everyday about the same time.

Overall I'm doing better.

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Thanks for the update caltn. So glad you see improvement.

 

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Had a bad day today at work, started feeling agitated then I started sweating, felt very dizzy like I was to pass out. I quickly left the area to go sit down and relax and started feeling better.  Ended up leaving work early and came home. Now that I think about it, all classic signs of anxiety........ Geeesh I hope tomorrow is better.