Looking for Buddies - LT High dose Xanax direct taper 1/2 way there!

[[to...]]

I screwed up my dosage numbers. I am around 8.25 now, going to 8.5 or 9 tomorrow, depending on the dose and how it behaves.

 

I want you to do what you need to do to feel better.  No judgement, only encouragement and support, love and understanding!!  :smitten:

[[to...]]

Baddove, I am so sorry to hear you are having such a rough go.  I can tell you, the first six months of my taper was brutal.  I felt every cut about three days after.  I cut 2.5 percent and held for a month.  Then one day I felt better and opted to only hold two weeks and the eventually I was cutting weekly.  As I have stated recently, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s disease.  When I first went into tolerance withdrawal I was hyperthyroid and then went hypo and then back to hyper.  I think things have leveled out a bit.  I am assuming this played a role.

 

Your body is needing more time, I would hold until you feel ready again.  Sending positive energy your way.  Hugs..

 

Hi Seasalt - I totally agree with all of the above.  I am glad your taper is going well and that you are doing better with your other medical issues - I am glad they have leveled out for you! 

 

If you do not mind - what is your dosage now?  I did a cut today and felt it within an hour but after the 2nd dose of the day got better.  Am going to see how the next few days go.  I would love to be able to cut every other week and then every week.  I will have to see how it goes.  Some cuts are alot harder than others.

 

Take care.

Hugs,

Julia 

[[Lo...]]

 

 

Good morning Xanax Friends!

 

First a quick update (Julia, you can appreciate this one)... I finally completely moved over to all .25 (white) pills.  Last year I had some issues with this.  Things leveled out rather quickly this time around although I'm certain that I was not accurately scoring the old orange .5's and was probably getting a tiny bit more than I thought.  Nevertheless, it was liberating to actually tell my doctor to cancel the .5 mg refill and replace it with the .25's from this point forward.  In my mind that meant "no going back" and only moving forward.  I know that for many of you that seems like a given, but after a year long hold, it took a lot of strength to tackle the unknown (and knowing what's ahead) again. 

 

The muscle and nerve stuff has still been relentless.  If that would go away I'd almost feel, dare I say it, "quasinormal"!  I'd like to think that this symptom is my GABA recceptors trying desperately to heal. I'm going to stick with that!

 

Going to put together a post that I hope can help some... Working on it now and will post shortly. 

 

Baddove... Hang in there.  I've been thinking of you a bunch while writing the post that will follow this one. 

 

Hope all are doing as well as possible!

 

Lori

 

 

 

 

[[ba...]]

Thanks everyone for so much support.

 

Seasalt, I'm sorry you had a rough time, but it makes me feel more normal that it's not just me.

 

Tol, I hope your cut is kind!

 

Lori, way to go!

 

Up dosed my am dose, I am much better.  Will do the same for number 2. Will up dose number 3 by a micro. I can usually handle it if the day has gone in a way I could function. Hopefully, I can get to the gym, that gives me a lot of relief.

 

:smitten:

[[Lo...]]

My journey so far – and the stages of grief that ensued.

 

 

I'm going to attempt to offer you some encouragement based on my journey to date:

 

I’ve refrained from talking much about my background or profession over the years because quite frankly, it caused a great deal of embarrassment to me.  I have a master’s degree in Clinical and Counseling Psychology.  I have done extensive work counseling those suffering from personality and mood disorders as well as bereavement.  I was working toward licensure when I found out about my Xanax dependance and it stopped me in my tracks!  How could this have happened to someone so educated in the field?  Well, it did!  It started almost 15 years prior…  and my world as I knew it, came to a grinding halt!

 

I liken my journey thus far as to the “Stages of Grief.”  While each stage entails the true depth of that emotion, please know that every single one of these stages were present in some form (and remain) throughout this journey.  Just when you think you’ve “graduated” and moved on to the next step, a little piece of it comes back but thankfully never to the degree of the initial onset. 

 

1.) Like many on here I was on a high dose ox Xanax. It started out as 1 mg per day for the first year or so, and over time increased to 4 mgs per day which I stayed at for a good 15 years.  I topped out at 6 mgs for only a few months and that is where I began my taper.  However, at the beginning of my taper I now know that I was in absolute denial that this was happening to me and that my life as I knew it would change drastically.  Through research of my tolerance symptoms (because I simply thought that my anxiety just kept getting worse through the years even when I had absolutely no reason to feel anxious). Like everyone else, I attributed all the physical symptoms to anxiety until I stumbled upon the dreaded benzo information.  At the time I was truly disheartened, afraid, and literally in denial!  Que the first stage of grief!... DENIAL! I stayed here for a year as I haphazardly eliminated 1 milligram over the course of a year.  I had moments when I simply did not want to believe that I was physically dependent on a drug that I dutifully took as prescribed for almost 2 decades! I went on to have many days, weeks and sometimes months of "wishing it away".  Denial served me well... until just like the Xanax, it didn't. 

 

2.)  Hello ANGER!  Now the time came to want to sue the doctor who prescribed them without consent, the pharmaceutical company who manufactured the drug, the doctor who continued to prescribe them, the narcissistic people (person) who negatively affected my life with verbal and psychological abuse (I’m an empath, AKA: a target) that cause the darn anxiety to begin with.  Without this constant walking on eggshells due to the abuse, I ended up mentioning it to my doctor and the Xanax was prescribed!    I hated every single one of them.  But most of all, I hated myself for allowing myself to become so weak that these people even had a shed of power over me!  I spent a solid year being angrier than I had ever been in my entire life.  I started tapering with so much anger! Anger motivated me to start my taper but held me back in so many other ways!

 

3.)  The symptoms at the beginning of my taper were horrendous BUT it is mind blowing how they changed!  There are so many symptoms that quite literally vanished the lower I got in my dose!  When I started my taper, for many months I dealt with 24/7 issues of anxiety, POTS symptoms, insomnia, heart palpitations, racing thoughts, dizziness, agoraphobia, numbness in legs, inability to drive, depression, fear, and shakiness!  This is not even a complete list.  I remember trying to sit in my home office back in those early days and I could not be at the computer for more than 10 minutes without getting insanely anxious and dizzy.  My heart rate would go up to 120 just sitting there!  It was awful and contributed to me 100% believing that all of my symptoms most certainly had to be more than withdrawal. How could a minor reduction of a drug produce so many physical and psychological issues? It was so scary!  For the first-year insomnia was so bad (every single night) that I would roam aimlessly around the house with a blanket trying to find a place to sleep that was comfortable. My nerves were so bad that I had lost a LOT of weight so every mattress felt like I was sleeping on a rock! And one of the worst symptoms was a constant, strong, pulsating heartbeat in the upper portion of my stomach that was so distracting because I felt it and saw it constantly. I was skin and bones at the time (89 lbs), so it showed right through.  In the quiet of the night, it would pulse so loud that I could hear it in my ears and feel it vibrating throughout my whole body.  It kept me up night after night, day after day. I cannot begin to tell you how many nights I simply wept.  At this point I was literally scared out of my mind!  Enter BARGAINING!  God, if I do this or that, will you take just one of these away?  I swear I will be better if just XYZ goes away!  I bargained everything.  I will be a better person for this.  I will forgive.  I will…. Anything!  It didn’t work.  Nothing did. 

 

4.) Almost every one of the symptoms of withdrawal that I listed above DISAPPEARED once I got to 2.0 mgs!  My pulse now hangs out in the 60's when I am sitting around the house.  It stays in a healthy range while cooking or doing things around the house.  The pulse in my stomach happens barely once per month! My sleep is still "off”, but I sleep at least 6 hours (sometimes 7) several times per week.  Everything changed!  And it took me reading others posts, and then reviewing some of my notes from early on in my taper to realize that for as much as I am struggling with the new symptoms, I was MUCH worse back then.

 

5.) The hold and the DEPRESSION.  I continued to cut even when I became 100% unable to function.  That adage of “listen to your body” was apparently lost on me.  I was in a race to the finish line without realizing what it was doing to my body!  I’m not going to address all the symptoms here because I don’t want them to be your trigger.  As we all know et nauseum “everybody is different”.  I’ll leave it at that.  But depression took over with a vengeance!  I had to updose to 1 mg. and I felt like an utter failure.  I had gotten all the way down to around .575 and I looked at those few months that it took to get there as a waste!  How could I quit when I had come so far?  How much longer was this going to take?  How many more years of my life was I going to lose?  I can’t begin to explain the shame!  All my “Buddies” on here and my friends and family were so proud of me…. Was I letting them all down as well?  I was overwhelmed with self-pity and loathing.  Depression hit like a ton of bricks!  It was always there, even on days when I felt physically better. I had never really been "depressed" in my entire life.  But now, through every smile, laugh, holiday, times out among the living again, and quiet moments, I was constantly fighting the depression and disappointment in myself that was always right at the surface all because of an updose!  Until I said, “Enough!”

 

6.)  ACCEPTANCE is a tricky one for those of us in withdrawal!  It’s a different kind of acceptance.  It’s not peaceful.  It’s not calming.  It doesn’t feel great.  Acceptance in withdrawal is the strength to accept that though this will not be easy, we’re going to push forward anyway!  And to accept that for now, it’s the best we can do.  This is where I am today. If I can get here, you can too!

 

Baddove: this is for you…. I'm only telling you this to encourage you to push ahead as much as you can.  Based on your history (and mine) it seems unlikely that we're going to go through this with only minimal symptoms.  Accepting that we're going to have bad days isn't fun but it's necessary to keep moving forward.    Don't get me wrong, it sucks.  Period.  I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.  It's truly criminal that we must endure this... but speaking for myself, I spent far too much time feeling sorry for myself that I'm in this situation and in the end, it didn’t do me any favors.  However, EVERY SINGLE feeling we have is VALID. Sometimes we must go through each of them, feel their intensity by experiencing them fully in order to get past them.  So, take a moment to wallow in them without guilt or shame, as long as you make a plan to free yourself from their grips!

 

So here I am, finally tackling this last milligram, 3 years into a lengthy taper, and hoping that my journey thus far can help someone else who is feeling despair.  We WILL get through this!  I’m prepared for some crappy days ahead.  I certainly don’t welcome them, but I’m far better equipped now than I was in the early stages.  Trust me… I’m painfully aware that the fear, anger and depression can rear their collective ugly heads again at any time.  I’ll deal with them when and if I must.  But for now, let us try our best to forge ahead to that new benzo free life that awaits each of us.  We are a strong bunch! We did not ask for this journey, but thankfully we have each other so we don’t have to walk alone!

 

Love,

Lori

 

[[se...]]

Lori,

 

This is amazing and encouraging, thank  you for posting!

 

Julia, I am down 42% of my dose at the moment...

 

I am very grateful for all of you and I am sure we will all cross the finish line, one by one.

[[ba...]]

My journey so far – and the stages of grief that ensued.

 

Thank you for sharing parts of your story. I love your honesty and making yourself vulnerable by discussing what you have been through. We are so used to SHAME that we certainly don't talk about it with non benzo victims, but in here, it is safe. 

 

I'm going to attempt to offer you some encouragement based on my journey to date:

 

I've refrained from talking much about my background or profession over the years because quite frankly, it caused a great deal of embarrassment to me.  I have a Master's degree in Clinical and Counseling Psychology.  I have done extensive work counseling those suffering from personality and mood disorders as well as bereavement.  I was working toward licensure when I found out about my Xanax dependence and it stopped me in my tracks!  How could this have happened to someone so educated in the field?  Well, it did!  It started almost 15 years prior…  and my world as I knew it, came to a grinding halt!

 

There are many people in both the medical and counseling fields who find themselves dependent on medication. Not just benzo's, but stimulants and other dangerous drugs. You are certainly not alone.

 

I liken my journey thus far as to the Stages of Grief.”  While each stage entails the true depth of that emotion, please know that every single one of these stages were present in some form (and remain) throughout this journey.  Just when you think you've “graduated” and moved on to the next step, a little piece of it comes back but thankfully never to the degree of the initial onset. 

 

1.) Like many on here I was on a high dose ox Xanax. It started out as 1 mg per day for the first year or so, and over time increased to 4 Mg's per day which I stayed at for a good 15 years.  I topped out at 6 Mg's for only a few months and that is where I began my taper.  However, at the beginning of my taper I now know that I was in absolute denial that this was happening to me and that my life as I knew it would change drastically.  Through research of my tolerance symptoms (because I simply thought that my anxiety just kept getting worse through the years even when I had absolutely no reason to feel anxious). Like everyone else, I attributed all the physical symptoms to anxiety until I stumbled upon the dreaded benzo information.  At the time I was truly disheartened, afraid, and literally in denial!  Que the first stage of grief!... DENIAL! I stayed here for a year as I haphazardly eliminated 1 milligram over the course of a year.  I had moments when I simply did not want to believe that I was physically dependent on a drug that I dutifully took as prescribed for almost 2 decades! I went on to have many days, weeks and sometimes months of "wishing it away".  Denial served me well... until just like the Xanax, it didn't. 

 

I was not in denial, but didn't know what I was doing. I started to taper 3/4 years ago, and did everything wrong that can be done. Long story short, I started at 6 Mg's, and am now just under 9Mg's a day. I had medical situations where I had to cold turkey, major life drama, and life issues. Failed crossovers. I got floxed. Each time, I up dosed, but was able to get it back down. Finally, my world caved in early last year, and I asked me pdoc to add another dose to my usage. Hence, I am at 9 Mg's. That alone has been the most devastating stupid thing I did. I was sloppy and irregular. It took me until last year to FINALLY realize I had to be consistent, and be on a schedule. In the beginning. I was able to taper (it shows in my drug thingy at the bottom, 0 but once I got up to 9 Mg's, every time I tried tapering  was agony.  Enter seroquel (OMG) Again, did not research it, and now I have gained 50 pounds in 3 years, and am stuck on this ridiculous drug as well. I have spent my 57 years as a slender, very fit active person, now I am a cow and I hate it. I hate it all. I hate these drugs and all they have stolen from me so much. So, yes ANGER. When I finally get through this, I am going to burn my remaining medication.

 

2.)  Hello ANGER!  Now the time came to want to sue the doctor who prescribed them without consent, the pharmaceutical company who manufactured the drug, the doctor who continued to prescribe them, the narcissistic people (person) who negatively affected my life with verbal and psychological abuse (I’m an empath, AKA: a target) that cause the darn anxiety to begin with.  Without this constant walking on eggshells due to the abuse, I ended up mentioning it to my doctor and the Xanax was prescribed!    I hated every single one of them.  But most of all, I hated myself for allowing myself to become so weak that these people even had a shed of power over me!  I spent a solid year being angrier than I had ever been in my entire life.  I started tapering with so much anger! Anger motivated me to start my taper but held me back in so many other ways!

 

Yes, I have been angry to various degrees for since I got put on seroquel 3/4 years ago. I was now on 2 poisons, not 1. Angry at not researching, angry at my pdoc for not giving informed information on what seroquel does, and how horrible addicting it is. I am pissed. So much  has been lost through this drugged out process.

 

3.)  The symptoms at the beginning of my taper were horrendous BUT it is mind blowing how they changed!  There are so many symptoms that quite literally vanished the lower I got in my dose!  When I started my taper, for many months I dealt with 24/7 issues of anxiety, POTS symptoms, insomnia, heart palpitations, racing thoughts, dizziness, agoraphobia, numbness in legs, inability to drive, depression, fear, and shakiness!  This is not even a complete list.  I remember trying to sit in my home office back in those early days and I could not be at the computer for more than 10 minutes without getting insanely anxious and dizzy.  My heart rate would go up to 120 just sitting there!  It was awful and contributed to me 100% believing that all of my symptoms most certainly had to be more than withdrawal. How could a minor reduction of a drug produce so many physical and psychological issues? It was so scary!  For the first-year insomnia was so bad (every single night) that I would roam aimlessly around the house with a blanket trying to find a place to sleep that was comfortable. My nerves were so bad that I had lost a LOT of weight so every mattress felt like I was sleeping on a rock! And one of the worst symptoms was a constant, strong, pulsating heartbeat in the upper portion of my stomach that was so distracting because I felt it and saw it constantly. I was skin and bones at the time (89 lbs), so it showed right through.  In the quiet of the night, it would pulse so loud that I could hear it in my ears and feel it vibrating throughout my whole body.  It kept me up night after night, day after day. I cannot begin to tell you how many nights I simply wept.  At this point I was literally scared out of my mind!  Enter BARGAINING!  God, if I do this or that, will you take just one of these away?  I swear I will be better if just XYZ goes away!  I bargained everything.  I will be a better person for this.  I will forgive.  I will…. Anything!  It didn't work.  Nothing did. 

 

I need this. The suffering I experience just trying to  make small cuts is unbelievable. I was able to do it in the first 2 years or so. But now, it is hell. I determined to be strong and live with the pain, but the last cut completely left me insane. So discouraging. I do not anticipate an easy  taper. I cave, I can't handle it. I MUST slow down, something I struggle with.

 

4.) Almost every one of the symptoms of withdrawal that I listed above DISAPPEARED once I got to 2.0 Mg's!  My pulse now hangs out in the 60's when I am sitting around the house.  It stays in a healthy range while cooking or doing things around the house.  The pulse in my stomach happens barely once per month! My sleep is still "off”, but I sleep at least 6 hours (sometimes 7) several times per week.  Everything changed!  And it took me reading others posts, and then reviewing some of my notes from early on in my taper to realize that for as much as I am struggling with the new symptoms, I was MUCH worse back then.

 

This is good. I need this. Hope.

 

5.) The hold and the DEPRESSION.  I continued to cut even when I became 100% unable to function.  That adage of “listen to your body” was apparently lost on me.  I was in a race to the finish line without realizing what it was doing to my body!  I’m not going to address all the symptoms here because I don’t want them to be your trigger.  As we all know et nauseum “everybody is different”.  I’ll leave it at that.  But depression took over with a vengeance!  I had to up dose to 1 mg. and I felt like an utter failure.  I had gotten all the way down to around .575 and I looked at those few months that it took to get there as a waste!  How could I quit when I had come so far?  How much longer was this going to take?  How many more years of my life was I going to lose?  I can’t begin to explain the shame!  All my “Buddies” on here and my friends and family were so proud of me…. Was I letting them all down as well?  I was overwhelmed with self-pity and loathing.  Depression hit like a ton of bricks!  It was always there, even on days when I felt physically better. I had never really been "depressed" in my entire life.  But now, through every smile, laugh, holiday, times out among the living again, and quiet moments, I was constantly fighting the depression and disappointment in myself that was always right at the surface all because of an up dose!  Until I said, “Enough!”

 

Yes. However, I am being more sensible about it. Only up dosed today because the acute wd was not going to get me off of this drug. The pain was too much. Not that the up dose makes me "right," but I am not in non stop withdraw, like I was. I still have to resist the urge to go to fast. I'm already thinkin of f  cutting dose 1 tommorrow. I have to stop this and give it a week or so, then  work into it. It will hurt, I know this.

 

6.)  ACCEPTANCE is a tricky one for those of us in withdrawal!  It’s a different kind of acceptance.  It’s not peaceful.  It’s not calming.  It doesn't feel great.  Acceptance in withdrawal is the strength to accept that though this will not be easy, we’re going to push forward anyway!  And to accept that for now, it’s the best we can do.  This is where I am today. If I can get here, you can too!

 

This is so well put, and it is the best definition of practicing acceptance in wd. I have been following Claire Weeks for years, and have some experience with it. I also have several aps for calming down. Calm is my current favorite. However, it's not always doable. "Blow OUTS,' happen where one is just in pain all day. This is my favorite part of your post.

 

Baddove: this is for you…. I'm only telling you this to encourage you to push ahead as much as you can.  Based on your history (and mine) it seems unlikely that we're going to go through this with only minimal symptoms.  Accepting that we're going to have bad days isn't fun but it's necessary to keep moving forward.    Don't get me wrong, it sucks.  Period.  I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.  It's truly criminal that we must endure this... but speaking for myself, I spent far too much time feeling sorry for myself that I'm in this situation and in the end, it didn’t do me any favors.  However, EVERY SINGLE feeling we have is VALID. Sometimes we must go through each of them, feel their intensity by experiencing them fully in order to get past them.  So, take a moment to wallow in them without guilt or shame, as long as you make a plan to free yourself from their grips!

 

Thank you for the love. I really appreciate you devoting the time, energy and honesty  to speak to me specifically. I feel like we are all in this together, and our priority is just not survival, but giving each other a hands up or some quality straight talk. I hate posts like, "What doesn't break you makes you stronger," What a lie. What doesn't break you scars you for life. Think of the loss of a child. There is no healing from that. Just a lot of time to very gradually move into acceptance of the change. No Pollyanna for me, it's all BS. Life is not about being well and happy and overcoming obstacles with  a few meditative sessions. Life is hard, traumatic, and to deny that part of it, or infer it can be eradicated from who we are is a huge pet peeve of mine.  We are the sum of all our experiences. And, when we can grow into a better version of ourselves through pain and trauma, that is a huge accomplishment. We actually have to expand our ideas about who we are and how life works and step outside the circle of our pain and learn to accept. We have to become highly disciplined. We have to do things  (like exercise) even when we don't feel like it.  My husband made the mistake yesterday of telling me to settle down. I could of killed him. As if i choose to be like this? Anyway, he rarely does that. But he hits his limits of coping with this and gets burned out.

 

So here I am, finally tackling this last milligram, 3 years into a lengthy taper, and hoping that my journey thus far can help someone else who is feeling despair.  We WILL get through this!  I’m prepared for some crappy days ahead.  I certainly don’t welcome them, but I’m far better equipped now than I was in the early stages.  Trust me… I’m painfully aware that the fear, anger and depression can rear their collective ugly heads again at any time.  I’ll deal with them when and if I must.  But for now, let us try our best to forge ahead to that new benzo free life that awaits each of us.  We are a strong bunch! We did not ask for this journey, but thankfully we have each other so we don’t have to walk alone!

Without BB, I don't think I would of survived this. The support, the validation, all of the good information, and the unique bonds we form as regulars on certain forums.

 

Love,

Lori

 

At the gym, finally

More love-Baddove

[[Wo...]]

Wow Lori! That was an amazing and inspiring post! It says so much to how we all feel! I’m so sorry Baddove that you have been feeling so bad. I’m sending hugs and positive vibes your way! I finally feel somewhat myself from this Covid stuff. Need more strength back but it will come over time. Hoping all is going well for you Seasalt and Tolnbltp! You are all strong warriors and you all give me hope, inspiration, and encouragement daily! Sending hugs and love to you all! 

[[to...]]

 

 

Good morning Xanax Friends!

 

First a quick update (Julia, you can appreciate this one)... I finally completely moved over to all .25 (white) pills.  Last year I had some issues with this.  Things leveled out rather quickly this time around although I'm certain that I was not accurately scoring the old orange .5's and was probably getting a tiny bit more than I thought.  Nevertheless, it was liberating to actually tell my doctor to cancel the .5 mg refill and replace it with the .25's from this point forward.  In my mind that meant "no going back" and only moving forward.  I know that for many of you that seems like a given, but after a year long hold, it took a lot of strength to tackle the unknown (and knowing what's ahead) again.  LOL  Yes I can relate.  Thank goodness I was able to start using the white .25's also.  Thank goodness.  It is amazing how a different color can mess things up.   

 

The muscle and nerve stuff has still been relentless.  If that would go away I'd almost feel, dare I say it, "quasinormal"!  I'd like to think that this symptom is my GABA recceptors trying desperately to heal. I'm going to stick with that!   Sorry that it is still affecting you.  I have been having issues with my left leg and hip for the last few months and I am beginning to think it is the xanax.  Had x-rays done today and while there are issues, I have had them for 5 years.  We will see what the doctor says.

 

Going to put together a post that I hope can help some... Working on it now and will post shortly. 

 

Baddove... Hang in there.  I've been thinking of you a bunch while writing the post that will follow this one. 

 

Hope all are doing as well as possible!  Glad you shared and are back.  You have been missed!!! 

 

Lori

 

Loved your post Lori - it was appreciated that you took so much time to share your experiences and views.  We will all get off this poison one day and be free.

 

Love ya,

Julia 

[[to...]]

Thanks everyone for so much support.  :smitten:

 

Seasalt, I'm sorry you had a rough time, but it makes me feel more normal that it's not just me. I can relate. 

 

Tol, I hope your cut is kind!  Thanks.  I am better today. 

 

Lori, way to go!  Yes, this is great!

 

Up dosed my am dose, I am much better.  Will do the same for number 2. Will up dose number 3 by a micro. I can usually handle it if the day has gone in a way I could function. Hopefully, I can get to the gym, that gives me a lot of relief.  It makes my heart sing that you are much better.  That makes me SO happy!!!  :smitten:

 

:smitten:

[[to...]]

Seaslat - I am proud of you.  That is great!!! 

 

WonderWoman1111 - I am so glad you are better.  I was really worried about you.  I am glad you are recovering. 

 

To ALL - we are all progressing!  Progress!  Always a good thing.

 

Love and hugs,

Julia 

[[to...]]

Baddove - I hope you found out what the letter was about from your doctor and I hope it was good news.  Hope the anxiety is better today! 

I am just so glad you are feeling better!

Hugs,

Julia 

[[ba...]]

This forum has gone from me trying to combine several xanax threads into a larger one some time ago (For more postings and more people,) to my lifeline. Who would of thought?  Lori, do you remember how mad you were when I did that? I told you to pick the forum you wanted to keep, and it was this one. I left a second one in place, and with 2 forums, more information and more xanax people can better communicate without numerous single posts.  I firmly believe the more regulars we have, the better. We all have many things to offer each other.. Even "tourists" can benefit, the quality of posts in here is rich and beautiful.

 

Lori, your post was amazing. I copied a few pieces and pasted them in my private journal. I loved your comment about acceptance in withdraw. Also, the reality that for both of us, tapering is very difficult. We will still get there. Slowly, painfully, but not alone, and with the hope of all who have gone before us, and those going through it now who have great insights.

 

The BB team likes to send newbs, who are usually scared to death and overwhelmed and on xanax to these support forums. Much more beneficial than extended exchanges in the introductions.

 

I hope any new buddies reading our posts join in as you are ready. We are all about each other in whatever is needed  here. And we always like making new friends.

 

You folks in here are amazing. And real. And always, always, positive no matter how hard things are. I care about each of you. I am not always on top of letting everyone know their pain and issues are something I take very seriously, as well as the joy I feel for anyone making even a smidgen of progress, even if it's just a little one.  If someone cuts .0001 I celebrate it. I will take that victory with the member.

 

Even in your pain, you lift people up. You make a tremendous difference in my life, and I am sure with each other as well.

 

Julia-it was just a form letter. I have an appointment for my yearly physical in 3 weeks, but the receptionist said, the computer just pops that out to everyone coming due. I actually did not get as scared as I could have, even in that disastrous cut, that is a victory.

 

Wonder Woman, hang in there. My youngest son has Covid, he is in about week 3, he feels better, but sleeps a lot. It takes about 6 weeks to recover from the people I know who had or have it.)

 

We are dealing with these horrible medications, and the often acute withdraw we deal with as we taper. This horrendous situation creates a bond.

 

Up dosing today has made such a difference. I am still experiencing sxs, but I can function. I went to the gym, stated to have  a panic attack, but as I am a Claire Weeks follower, I followed her advice to not flee, but sit down quiet and wait it out. That went fine. I know waves will come. I may be in agony, but I will claw my way through.

 

I left dose 3 as was, and an hour in I am OK. I knew I probably would be if dose 1 and 2 gave me enough of a break to get to the gym, the grocer, and that's enough for today. I made the right choice. I was in far to much pain to adapt to cutting all 3 doses, and in 4 days realized I was lust putting myself through hell, and could not taper in that state. But I am exhausted and have a terrible tension face and headache from being so "tight," for 4 days.

 

My pdoc told me xanax will never give me the relief I want, I have to use my toolbox. He told me not to be so OCD about tapering, but rather, commit to the tool box and use it for relief. 1 hour of cardio does more for me than any xanax dose. Was able to do that after being in too much pain to do anything but just shake and sweat and be lost in severe sxs. This is much better. And, more effective. I need my tool box to get off of these meds more than the meds.  He told me to only micro taper , if at all, for now. I cut anyway. Disaster.

 

I love you all, I find wisdom in everything you say, and I admire your transparency and sharing of your downs, ups and in betweens.

 

Goodnight all, and may we all get some good sleep and not sweat through our sheets tonight! But if we do, that's what the washing machine is for.

 

Baddove

 

[[Di...]]

Thank you Lori and Baddove for your posts.  I have had a bad day today...stomach issues, anxiety, heart palps just feeling bad.  Your posts were encouraging I have been DLMT for the past two weeks  at .001 mg/day.  I have never felt so horrible for so long.  Thank you to BB I don't know where I'd be today if it wasn't for this support group.  Prayers for everyone.

[[se...]]

Dianedeedee,

 

Do you think you should hold a bit from tapering?  Maybe the small cuts have caught up and you need a small break to recover, just a thought.  Feel better soon..

[[Di...]]

Seasalt that maybe what I need to do.  Hope you are doing well. Thank you.

[[to...]]

Baddove - that was a beautiful post and you are so loved and appreciated here.  I am thankful you are here and so glad you are feeling better.  Progress is always good.  I am glad the letter was just a form letter.  I hope you know that I love you too and you are precious to me.  You have helped me so much with your support, encouragement and also sharing what you are going through. 

 

When I first got here, Lori was the one person I connected with right away and she was so helpful and made me feel like there was hope.  I always look for her posts and continue to wish her well.  She has had a rough time but she continues to try to get through her taper and I respect her for that.  We are not in control of what a cut will do but we can control how we handle and respond to it.   

 

WonderWoman111- glad you are feeling better.  And Baddove I am glad your son continues to get better. 

 

Seasalt - I hope you are doing good today.

 

I am so glad that the people on this post here are real and really do care.  I like the honesty here and how people are not afraid to share the good and the bad.

 

It is great to have friendship, love and encouragement here.

 

Love and hugs,

Julia  :smitten:

 

 

[[Wo...]]

Hi everyone!

Just checking in to send positivity and love to you all! Each day is a slow process on getting better from Covid. I can see where it’s going to take quite a few weeks to regain full strength. I am continuing to do my 1 ml reductions daily, and hoping it goes ok for a little while before I need to hold again. I just thought I’d pop in to wish you all well and let you know I think of you daily and pray daily for you all! You are all my strength and inspiration. I don’t know what I’d do without you all! Love and hugs! 

 

Mary

[[to...]]

Hi everyone!

Just checking in to send positivity and love to you all! Each day is a slow process on getting better from Covid. I can see where it’s going to take quite a few weeks to regain full strength. I am continuing to do my 1 ml reductions daily, and hoping it goes ok for a little while before I need to hold again. I just thought I’d pop in to wish you all well and let you know I think of you daily and pray daily for you all! You are all my strength and inspiration. I don’t know what I’d do without you all! Love and hugs! 

 

Mary

 

Hi Mary,

Thanks for checking in.  You are an inspiration, recovering from covid and still tapering.  That is great that you can do that.  it has to be difficult.  I hope your husband is getting better too.

 

Thanks for the positivity and love and prayers.  Same back to you!

 

My husband who is 67 and has underlying health conditions is getting the vaccine Monday, thank goodness.  I unfortunately can not get the vaccine due to allergic reactions to medications.  I checked with my doctor and he says I need to not get it at this point.  Maybe things will change at some point so I can but for now, I just have to be very careful.

 

Take care.

Julia 

[[Di...]]

Mary you definitely are an inspiration to us thank you so much.  Glad you are doing better.

[[to...]]

Seasalt that maybe what I need to do.  Hope you are doing well. Thank you.

 

Hello, I agree with Seasalt.  Maybe a hold would be good.  i see we are really close in dose.  It may take longer than we would like but I think we are all doing great!

 

It is nice to see you posting here. 

 

Take care.

julia

[[se...]]

Julia, I can’t get the vaccination either due to reactions to meds. I am praying that will resolve when we complete the taper.  What a vulnerable place to be during these trying times!!

 

 

[[Wo...]]

Awww bless you all for such kind words! I too understand the bummer of not being able to get the vaccine due to too many allergies and anaphylaxis shocks. I’m super excited my parents get their first dose tomorrow and my in-laws the next day. I’ll feel relief knowing they are covered from this awful stuff. You guys are all doing so great! Even if you have to hold you are still doing great! Always look at how far you’ve come and no matter the smallest victory always be proud of yourself. We are worth even the smallest high fives and fist bumps! I send you all big virtual high fives and cyber hugs! 

[[to...]]

Julia, I can’t get the vaccination either due to reactions to meds. I am praying that will resolve when we complete the taper.  What a vulnerable place to be during these trying times!!

 

Hi Seasalt - I pray the same.  I really hope that the allergic reactions will go away once we are off this drug.  I totally agree - what a vulnerable place to be right now.  We stay to ourselves so much and I am fine with that, I am just glad my husband will get his vaccine.  I pray for us all that covid goes away sooner than later. 

Stay safe! 

Hugs,

Julia 

[[to...]]

Awww bless you all for such kind words! I too understand the bummer of not being able to get the vaccine due to too many allergies and anaphylaxis shocks. I’m super excited my parents get their first dose tomorrow and my in-laws the next day. I’ll feel relief knowing they are covered from this awful stuff. You guys are all doing so great! Even if you have to hold you are still doing great! Always look at how far you’ve come and no matter the smallest victory always be proud of yourself. We are worth even the smallest high fives and fist bumps! I send you all big virtual high fives and cyber hugs! 

 

Hi - I am sorry you too can not get the vaccine.  Hopefully you will have the antibodies in your system for awhile so you won't get it again.  I am happy for your parents and in-laws that they are getting the vaccine.  I know that will take some stress off of you.

 

I agree that even a small cut is a win!  We definitely all deserve high fives for all we have been through and for all we have accomplished.  This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with so any progress is a great accomplishment.  Staying positive is really important.

 

Take care all! 

 

Hugs and love,

Julia  :smitten: