Full Time worker support group

[[va...]]

Mountaintop, I understand what you're talking about when you mention being forgetful at work. It feel like the executive functioning feature of the brain gets shut off during withdrawal. I had many days where I could only focus on the task at hand and nothing else. Then I would forget other things. I think I'm still experiencing it now to some extent. I have to start a new job on Friday and I'm hoping my forgetfulness and executive functioning is a little better now compared to last school year.

 

So I start working on Friday. I am doing very poorly. I have used medications to get by for years working and also drinking every weekend. I feel absolutely terrible when thinking about the prospect of working every day. I'm starting to think I can't handle a traditional job whether I'm in withdrawal or I'm not. I may have to go on Remeron to function.

 

As you're no longer in acute wd, I think the fear of not being capable is much worse than what will actually happen. I feel this is going to be easy compared to your previous job, will serve as a good distraction and will boost your self esteem. Through other threads I understand you sound depressed, in the kind of depression I live with due to a bad Valium crash. But you're of the freaking poison so eventually it has to lift.

[[bo...]]

Thanks, Valiumnomore. Maybe we can support one another on this thread. Are you working full time or part time?

[[va...]]

Thanks, Valiumnomore. Maybe we can support one another on this thread. Are you working full time or part time?

 

I teach English as a second language in companies and at home. I'm self employed. Now little work. In September everyone comes back. I crashed into acute wd and was like that for a month and a half without even coming off the drug. Updosed to 2.5 and I don't know if I will ever be able to cut again. I live in a constant wave of anxiety and depression. On top of that I'm a single mom. All the responsibility is on me. When I was two months sleeping 1_3hours many nights, I really thought I wouldn't make it. In spite of updosing after a month of hell, nothing got better. I feared not being able to work AND losing custody of my daughter. The psych put me on gabapentin and trazodone. I was very reluctant but I was in such hell that I gave in. At the beginning even with those drugs, I still didn't sleep. Finally I settled in this constant wave of anxiety and depression but I don't live in such a state of terror anymore, and I'm sleeping about 5 hours, I think mainly due to the trazodone. I'm glad I accepted it. I feel without sleeping, my life is too challenging. I see you're thinking of an ssri. In my case it was very hard to come off of. Like benzos, it's more difficult if you take it a second time around. I hope you find a way to feel better. I found baylissa's videos on YouTube helped me immensely. Still I'm suffering so much but I remember her sweet words of hope and I feel a bit better. I see you've been 17 months like this. It must be awful. I'm only 2 months like this and can't stand it. But we're here for a reason. There IS no way out. Period. That's not an option. I just tell to myself that now I have to live through this because these are the cards I've been dealt. And I pray to be strong enough to endure it. Friday is just around the corner. I think you'll be a success. I really do. Benzo fear is telling you the opposite. Baylissa has great videos with affirmations to counteract the negative things that withdrawal tells us. It's on YouTube if you search "blooming in wellness". You've got this.

[[NJ...]]

Although I am still in my indefinite hold, I did start a new job this week. It is full time from home. I am finding this so much easier than actually going to work. I wasn't sure about starting another new job with so much extra life stress (have a son who is ill), but I am glad I took the chance, I think this is going to work for me. I know it is only day 2, but today I took my lunch break by sitting outside and meditating for 30 minutes. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to work from home. I am now thinking I will eventually be able to taper if I can keep this job.

[[va...]]

Although I am still in my indefinite hold, I did start a new job this week. It is full time from home. I am finding this so much easier than actually going to work. I wasn't sure about starting another new job with so much extra life stress (have a son who is ill), but I am glad I took the chance, I think this is going to work for me. I know it is only day 2, but today I took my lunch break by sitting outside and meditating for 30 minutes. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to work from home. I am now thinking I will eventually be able to taper if I can keep this job.

 

NJ strength I'm so happy for you!!! Working from home is going to be much better. I opened a new thread because I thought this one was dying. It's in the help with withdrawal section. I really NEED to stay connected to people who have to work in the midst of all this. Not only people who have quit their job. I need to read relatable experiences like yours. Hope your nausea is giving you a break.

[[NJ...]]

Val,

 

The nausea is almost completely gone! I have also started using a "sleep tonic" I read about in a book by a holistic medicine practicioner, Dr. Tierana Low Dog, and I am also sleeping great and am no longer using the medical marijuana I have been using for sleep and nausea for the past year and a few months unless the nausea gets bad during the day. She also has a stress tonic with adaptogens that I am going to order the herbs and then make next week. I am getting in a good amount of exercise in daily and am trying to also meditate every day. Where I am working said to just work whenever I want, so having that level of flexibility is important. My son goes back to school next week so I will settle into a better routine then. He has not been well and the doctor doesn't seem to have a good plan for what to do next so that has been causing some stress.

 

I think it is good to work if you can ... I think stopping work, which I know is necessary for some, can lead down a bad path. But I have always tried to push through.

 

Where is your new thread?

 

 

[[va...]]

NJ I'm so sorry to hear your son is still struggling. I hope you can get a second opinion and a doctor than can actually help him. This has to be so hard for both of you. On the other hand I'm so glad you have this flexible job. I teach English, mostly at home. It sounds easy but in wd having to talk five hours to people who are focused on everything I say... Not easy. Thank God I'm FINALLY out of acute thanks to the updose, time, the gabapentin.. And God knows that's taken a long time to work. I'm starting with students again tomorrow. I feel better because I have more windows and I sleep thanks to trazodone and less intense wd as some time has passed. But no idea when I'll be able to cut. No rush. Family and holding the job comes first. I don't ask about your son more often because I don't want to be intrusive. The other group is in the withdrawal board. Wait, I'll post a link.

[[va...]]

Here it is NJ. Not that it's awfully crowded either.

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=228102.0

[[bo...]]

I am going to jump on this board once in a while and try to provide some support and gain some support as well. NJstrength, I would say work is good for the most part. I had the entire summer off and often felt more depressed than I felt during the school year. I feel I had less windows too. So I say if you can work, go for it. It's nice you can work on your schedule. That's important.

 

Valiumnomore, I know how hard it can be to teach and go through this. It's miserable. The whole year I spent in post-acute withdrawal and continued to teach high school English. I did take a month off using medical leave but then I returned and finished the year. I have noticed that it doesn't really matter if I'm working or not, I still have symptoms. And since I can't really sleep in anymore, not working doesn't do much for me.

 

Today is my first day with students at my new job. I am working now as a high school Librarian. My wife and I moved back to my hometown to be closer to my parents. The primary symptom I'm dealing with is anger and depression. The depression is really bad in the morning. I then wake up feeling angry that it's a new day and I have to get out of bed. I feel depressed. It usually gets a little better as the day goes on but then I start to feel exhausted. I think the intense anger that I get toward working, my family, and everything else is withdrawal related. I don't really know how to help it but assume it will get better in time.

[[va...]]

Hi Boombox. Glad to see you here. Let's hope this horrible wave you're in gives you a break and you feel less angry. I don't know if you're finally taking the other med. The librarian job sounds much better. I teach many classes that are just conversation. Imagine, talk about politics, economy, children... Pretending to care while in acute wd. My mouth couldn't even smile for God's sake. Now I'm better but I wish I had a job which was not people related right now.

[[bo...]]

The problem is that I haven't had windows. It's just been one consistent wave since this really started in June 2018. It was horrible depression where I thought I was going to end my life and that has now turned into this rage toward all my loved ones and people in general. I never had anger on this level before this either. Sometimes I'm uncomfortable being around my family because of how mad I feel. They aren't doing anything wrong. That's how I know some of it is, or maybe all of it, is withdrawal.

 

I know how hard it is to care about anything while going through this from jobs to what's going on in other people's lives. It just feels like I have no connection to anything still after 17 months off this stuff. I've been taking a low dose of Remeron every three to four days to help with sleep. The weird thing is is that it makes me more tired the night after I took it than the night of.

 

 

[[va...]]

If you never had this rage before, then it must be wd. Maybe you can go again with your parents for a while.

[[Ul...]]

I'm new to this thread but I've been reading it when I can, which isn't real often since I mainly only have computer access at work. I've been tapering this klonopin mess over 4 years now. What a challenge! Gotta admit, things got kind of depressing for a long while because I "knew" quite a few people (mostly on the BB board) who had reached the end of their taper and had done so because they quit work a long time ago and were able to heal their way along. I can't come close to being able to afford to do that. Like everybody's, mine is a long story but I've just had to continue to work. I've lost jobs along the way, but I always managed to find something else. "Fake it" is right! If it weren't for "fake" I wouldn't be able to work at all. My wife's long fight with cancer has helped put us in a financial bind, but I'm probably a bigger reason due to my inability to keep a real job long enough to advance and have a somewhat respectable income. The cocktails of drugs over the years took away my ability to do much. Crazy vicious cycle. But, we all move on and do the best we can. Bless you all!! We'll all hit our successful finish lines at some point!!  

 

Take care!

[[va...]]

I'm new to this thread but I've been reading it when I can, which isn't real often since I mainly only have computer access at work. I've been tapering this klonopin mess over 4 years now. What a challenge! Gotta admit, things got kind of depressing for a long while because I "knew" quite a few people (mostly on the BB board) who had reached the end of their taper and had done so because they quit work a long time ago and were able to heal their way along. I can't come close to being able to afford to do that. Like everybody's, mine is a long story but I've just had to continue to work. I've lost jobs along the way, but I always managed to find something else. "Fake it" is right! If it weren't for "fake" I wouldn't be able to work at all. My wife's long fight with cancer has helped put us in a financial bind, but I'm probably a bigger reason due to my inability to keep a real job long enough to advance and have a somewhat respectable income. The cocktails of drugs over the years took away my ability to do much. Crazy vicious cycle. But, we all move on and do the best we can. Bless you all!! We'll all hit our successful finish lines at some point!!  

 

Take care!

 

Ultra 2007 it's so good to hear another person's story and how you're taking longer to taper because you can't afford to stop working. In some cases it's working and parenting we can't just drop for a year or two right? I'm so sorry your wife has had cancer. I hope she's won that battle. I admire the way you keep the spirit in spite of years tapering. What else can we do, right? I tapered lexapro for four years and now I thought I was going to taper the "easy one"  Yeah, right??? I'm in an awful wave right now thinking I won't make it alive etc etc and I have students tomorrow and my voice comes and goes. Did anyone find their voice changing as a withdrawal symptom?

 

Boomboxboy21 I was on a long but trip before with my cellphone. That's why my answer was so short. I know how bad you feel and how difficult your situation must be. I really feel it all sounds like withdrawal but you obviously don't do well where you are right now. You mentioned some time back that you felt better at your parents. Could this be an option for a while? I know it's none of my business but I wanted to mention that I don't think it's such a crazy idea if you think it works well for you now. But you're the only one who knows the logistics and circumstances of your family of course.

[[Gw...]]

Part time work is off to a good start. I'm teaching an adjunct class at the local community college. It's nice to get back into things, though job hunting is ridiculously stressful. I nailed an interview last week for a job I really wanted, but didn't get. I took the news pretty hard, had a cry, moped about, had a panic attack, etc. ...but then I cleaned the house and cooked dinner. This morning I got up and took a long walk, practiced yoga, meditated, then prepped for class and went in to teach. I'm getting used to the commute, and I'm building rapport with students and colleagues. My self-confidence is pretty fragile right now, along with my dignity, but I try to appreciate just how far I've come. Thanks for the support from folks here on BB.

 

Gwinna

[[va...]]

Part time work is off to a good start. I'm teaching an adjunct class at the local community college. It's nice to get back into things, though job hunting is ridiculously stressful. I nailed an interview last week for a job I really wanted, but didn't get. I took the news pretty hard, had a cry, moped about, had a panic attack, etc. ...but then I cleaned the house and cooked dinner. This morning I got up and took a long walk, practiced yoga, meditated, then prepped for class and went in to teach. I'm getting used to the commute, and I'm building rapport with students and colleagues. My self-confidence is pretty fragile right now, along with my dignity, but I try to appreciate just how far I've come. Thanks for the support from folks here on BB.

 

Gwinna

 

HI Gwinna. Sorry you weren't lucky with that interview but so glad you're doing well in your current job. I'll also congratulate you for your taper. That was fast. I'm so glad you're off and free now. I understand you're still having sxs but you seem to do well in spite of them. It's great your building rapport with colleagues and have adapted to the commute. Please keep us posted with your struggles and victories. It's very encouraging to also read stories of people who are still functioning in the world.

[[fo...]]

I will join! I work full time and have really struggled last seven! months due to severe nausea. I have also changed jobs during this time and am changing jobs again next month, another stressor--the new job literally fell into my lap and is a lot more money. I am beginning to be terrified that I will not be able to continue to work, but I have one in college and one in private school, so I really have no choice.

 

Feel better; stomach viruses are no fun.

Wow I'm so glad you started this support group. I have worked full-time all the way throughout my taper. It's good to see some other people that are working full-time through this process. I jumped on August 16th after an 18-month taper off of 1mg of Klonopin. I'm finding after 2 weeks of jumping that it's getting harder. My symptoms seem to be getting worse.

I go to work 5 days a week at a very stressful job. But I'm so grateful to have it. I think that this process would actually be much harder if I didn't have work to keep me occupied most days. However, every day it's so difficult to get through. Everyday when I come home from work I can't believe I made it through another day. The stress is inexplicable. Nothing like regular work stress like I used to have.

[[va...]]

Footscalp you really are one of the tough ones and I'm so glad you joined this group. When I'm struggling with wd and my tasks I sometimes think if Footscalp is doing it so can I. I also remember MTfan's journey and I also remember all the people in this group and I think come on, we're all taking it one day at a time. Someone here said, I thick it was Caltn, that he used to tell himself : I made it through yesterday and I'll make it through today. I'm sleeping thanks to trazodone. My main fear before trazodone was how to work if I was sleeping 1-3 hours. I have to talk all the time, and with no sleep I was about to throw in the towel. Footscalp how many hours sleep are you getting? Hi everyone else. NJ I hope the nausea is giving you a break. Bob7 I've copied your tapering method onto my progress log. I'm very impressed.

[[fo...]]

Well thank you. I don't feel very tough today I feel like I can't do this any longer.

I think I get a total of 6 hours a night but it's interrupted sleep.

[[va...]]

Well thank you. I don't feel very tough today I feel like I can't do this any longer.

I think I get a total of 6 hours a night but it's interrupted sleep.

 

I sent you a last pm and I'm going to sleep. 12 at night here. I'll read tomorrow. Gnight everyone tough workers.

[[fo...]]

The problem is that I haven't had windows. It's just been one consistent wave since this really started in June 2018. It was horrible depression where I thought I was going to end my life and that has now turned into this rage toward all my loved ones and people in general. I never had anger on this level before this either. Sometimes I'm uncomfortable being around my family because of how mad I feel. They aren't doing anything wrong. That's how I know some of it is, or maybe all of it, is withdrawal.

 

I know how hard it is to care about anything while going through this from jobs to what's going on in other people's lives. It just feels like I have no connection to anything still after 17 months off this stuff. I've been taking a low dose of Remeron every three to four days to help with sleep. The weird thing is is that it makes me more tired the night after I took it than the night of.

Hey there. I have the same issues with the rage. It's horrible. I don't care what happens in anyone else's lives. No matter how bad a time they might be having I just don't constantly thinking about how much things are worse for me. It's awful! I hate being this self-absorbed and it makes me feel like such a selfish awful human being.

My sister was over today and I just felt so much anger towards her. She is my closest friend and I love her dearly. She has her own struggles that are very severe, but all I could think about was how she has no idea the pain that I'm in and that she is not feeling this pain. I hate thinking that way towards people. But I pretty much think that way towards everyone.

Everyone pisses me off and I'm constantly angry but more than anything I'm angry at myself. The rage turned inward seems to be the worst.

Anyway I hope that you get some relief from this, and know that you are not alone.

[[bo...]]

Hey, foolscapfire. I know exactly what you are talking about with the rage and not caring about anybody else's life but your own. I'm going through the same thing with my wife and my daughter and parents right now. It's absolute misery. I feel angry just thinking about my wife before she even comes home and the anger gets so bad that I want to cry but often can't. The anger is irrational and I have no reason to have it. I often tell myself that and it gets better for only a moment. I have noticed that my anger is much worse toward my loved ones than other people but I have it toward everyone. When I'm in the store, I often feel mad at everyone and want to cry.

[[fo...]]

Oh my friend I am so sorry that you're going through this as well. Isn't it horrific? I just feel like such an awful person all the time which makes me feel even worse than I already do. I wish I could let go of the self judgment, because I don't ever express any of this stuff to anyone I just feel it inside you know? I'm guessing this is just another normal benzo withdrawal symptom? My friend who is in withdrawal and was cold turkey 17 months ago tells me that she has no feelings towards her daughters at all and it makes her feel so awful because she loves them and she knows that she does

[[Bl...]]

Hey all.  My first time posting here.  I am really happy someone created this topic.  I am also working full time.  I dont have an option not to.  It has been real hell.  My confidence level to even complete minute work responsibilities is non existent.  There is constant fear of not being able to perform or losing my job.

[[bo...]]

Balckjack, what type of job are you working in? It is very hard working full time while going through this. My confidence is shot too and I'm constantly worried I'm not doing enough or not doing my job well.