Full Time worker support group

[[Gw...]]

Work is not going well. Physically I am almost entirely recovered, so I should be doing fine, right? Wrong. My brain is still healing and it shows. I work in a fast-paced, emotionally demanding environment with a small team of bright, dedicated people who deserve better from me. Most of my coworkers know what I'm going through and they have been amazingly supportive, but it's been ten months now since the start of my taper and I don't want to take advantage.

 

What happened to my sense of professional pride? I am doing the bare minimum. I space out at my desk for twenty minutes at a time. I don't follow through with tasks and I certainly don't take the initiative. I struggle with decision-making and I'm constantly on edge. (I wake up on edge to those toxic mornings.) Post-benzo depression has me obsessing constantly about my career choices and finances, so I'm too restless and distracted by this mid-life crisis to "get in the zone" and just take it day by day the way I should.

 

I'm sure it's not as bad as it seems from the outside, as I've been managing the bare minimum to avoid any major missed deadlines and I've learned to hold it together pretty well. Granted, I have to take a hot shower and sit under a weighted blanket every morning just to calm down enough to get in the car and literally give myself a pep talk in the rear-view mirror. I have to close my classroom door with the lights off crying to soothing music on my lunch break, and I have to become a complete couch potato in my pajamas the second I get home until I pass out early in front of the TV because I am too exhausted and anxious and depressed to do anything else.

 

I miss being on light duty and wonder if I didn't have those medical restrictions lifted too soon. I mean, I don't have to call out of work nearly as often as I did during my taper because I can physically make it through the day now, but these mood-related symptoms are brutal and it is killing my career.

 

I need a vacation.

 

Gwinna

 

Hi Gwinna,

 

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. I've been wondering about switching over to light duty as well - I'm not even sure whether I can but the day-to-day stress seems like it can't possible be good for me. I am glad to hear that you have supportive coworkers - that's a real blessing.

 

Try to remember that this is not your new "normal" - you're still healing. You can remind your coworkers of that, too, and tell them all of the favors they are racking up. 

 

In the meantime, keep doing what you need to do to get through the day. You have a lot of people rooting for you here.

 

~ Fiskadoro

 

Thanks Fiskadoro,

 

Reading that made me feel better. 

 

~ Gwinna

[[bo...]]

Hey all. I have been reading the recent posts on this thread. Gwinna, I feel for you. Trying to work as a teacher during all of this is brutal. I have been able to put on the facade of being functional throughout this experience, but I can't keep up with all the things like grading and extra stuff a teacher is supposed to do. I feel like I do the bare minimum because all my free time is spent thinking about withdrawal or trying to help with withdrawal symptoms. For instance, during my prep period, I walk around my room or try to exercise if I can. Sometimes I call other buddies and talk to them during my prep period.

 

I am going to take a leave of absence for anywhere to 4-8 weeks and see how it goes for me. I am actually worried that having more time off will make my depression worse and since I have developed monophobia through this, I will probably have to stay at my parent's while my wife works. It's so hard knowing what to do in these situations because many people say to avoid stress yet avoiding work will probably have me more obsessed with the symptoms. I plan on putting some things in place so I constantly have things to do like go to the gym, spend time with friends, go with my mom places. I will be visiting my wife every week too and helping at our house. I am also taking an online graduate level class this semester. I am three classes away from having a master's in Creative Writing.

[[Gw...]]

That's great about your degree, boomboxboy! And Creative Writing -  I know you've been considering a leave of absence for a while, and I think it's going to do you a world of good. Maybe you could try some rejuvenating activities to keep yourself busy? Too much time alone to stew in it all could be problematic, but you can find ways to occupy yourself. Maybe try practicing your music again, or find a craft project (bonus if it results in a sentimental gift you can give your wife and daughter). Keep up the gentle exercise and take really good care of yourself.  The point of the leave of absence is to get better, right? So maybe instead of approaching it as a defeat, try framing it as a challenge to devote yourself full-time to the task of healing. You can't make time go any faster, but you can try to use it well, right? Good luck, in a lot of ways I'm jealous.

 

I'm feeling a little better today; the wave of depression has started to lift for the past few days at least. Keep your fingers crossed for me that it lasts!

 

Gwinna

 

[[Ja...]]

Hi everyone, I decided to join this group as I am attempting to work full time as a professor as I taper. So far my biggest issue seems to be getting anxiety when I teach my classes. I have informed my students I am discontinuing medications and may need to walk out of the room if I have a panic attack. I can also always end class early or even cancel class meetings. The thought of getting through this ordeal and keeping my job is daunting though. I just can’t lose my career though. I worked so hard to get here, I love teaching, and losing my career would be spiritually and financially devistating.

[[ca...]]

Hi everyone, I have decided to join the group. I would have joined the group sooner but I don't get on BB much as my taper has been going good until the last two weeks. I was able to enjoy Christmas with my family but the anxiety was almost overwhelming. I struggle at work with anxiety and avoid crowds as much as possible.

I'm only on 1mg V now so that might have something to with all the sxs hitting me out of the blue.

It seems like I could cope with things better a month ago and at times I felt healed on some days.  I'm not sure how to explain it, now I feel confined to my area at work, I shake like a scared rabbit when I get around people , even friends that I have worked with for years. Sometimes the off balance hits me like a brick wall, I have to steady myself by putting my hand on a wall.

I just keep ranting on , Lord I hope these sxs ease up some or I may have to up dose some. I'm holding , it's worked in the past but this 1mg V isn't much to hold on.... I don't think it's doing much.

My manager knows the struggle I'm going through at work and I am on intermittent FMLA as needed.

 

Wishing everyone all the luck and prayers.

[[RE...]]

Fiskadoro,

 

Thanks for your reply,  Found your response helpful.

[[RE...]]

Boom Box,

Congrats on getting your masters while dealing with benzo withdrawal.  You certainly deserve the 4-8 weeks off and will probably help you catch your breath.

 

Jared 31,

Good job on pushing through with such a demanding job.  I understand what you mean by the fear of losing your career.  I feel like you're doing the right things already and won't lose your career.  I think we have to keep remembering that's what we're going through is temporary.  Hang in There

 

Caltn,

I understand what you mean.  Anxiety could be very tough at work because of the tension surrounding you.  Just take it slow with the V so your anxiety doesn't get worse.  Hang in there.

[[Ja...]]

Boom Box,

Congrats on getting your masters while dealing with benzo withdrawal.  You certainly deserve the 4-8 weeks off and will probably help you catch your breath.

 

Jared 31,

Good job on pushing through with such a demanding job.  I understand what you mean by the fear of losing your career.  I feel like you're doing the right things already and won't lose your career.  I think we have to keep remembering that's what we're going through is temporary.  Hang in There

 

Caltn,

I understand what you mean.  Anxiety could be very tough at work because of the tension surrounding you.  Just take it slow with the V so your anxiety doesn't get worse.  Hang in there.

 

I get what you’re saying about being positive and remembering this is temporary. But the truth is I’m only just beginning a very long difficult process at 14mg Valium, and I have no idea if I’ll be able to remain functional through this. From my constant reading and research lately, it seems most people can’t function and go on disability so I keep thinking this will be my fate too. I love my job and need to be able to support my wife. But now I find myself telling my parents I could be disabled, broke, and moving into their basement with my wife eventually. (That is, if the wife doesn’t leave me.) Again, I’m trying to stay positive but it seems losing everything I worked for is a real possibility and it happens to many on here. Current mood: despair. Long struggle ahead....

[[RE...]]

Jared,

I know what you mean.  It's certainly hard for people in the outside to understand.  I wish you a quick recovery and pray that you can continue doing what you love

[[mo...]]

Boom Box,

Congrats on getting your masters while dealing with benzo withdrawal.  You certainly deserve the 4-8 weeks off and will probably help you catch your breath.

 

Jared 31,

Good job on pushing through with such a demanding job.  I understand what you mean by the fear of losing your career.  I feel like you're doing the right things already and won't lose your career.  I think we have to keep remembering that's what we're going through is temporary.  Hang in There

 

Caltn,

I understand what you mean.  Anxiety could be very tough at work because of the tension surrounding you.  Just take it slow with the V so your anxiety doesn't get worse.  Hang in there.

 

I get what you’re saying about being positive and remembering this is temporary. But the truth is I’m only just beginning a very long difficult process at 14mg Valium, and I have no idea if I’ll be able to remain functional through this. From my constant reading and research lately, it seems most people can’t function and go on disability so I keep thinking this will be my fate too. I love my job and need to be able to support my wife. But now I find myself telling my parents I could be disabled, broke, and moving into their basement with my wife eventually. (That is, if the wife doesn’t leave me.) Again, I’m trying to stay positive but it seems losing everything I worked for is a real possibility and it happens to many on here. Current mood: despair. Long struggle ahead....

 

Jared, I’m just joining this thread  and want to post before I lose it  but this is possible. We see the worst of the worst in BB but there are many who don’t end up disabled. I’ve been going through this process over a year and a half. Still working still raising my kids single. It’s possible. Tapering slowly is the key.  More later...

[[Ja...]]

Boom Box,

Congrats on getting your masters while dealing with benzo withdrawal.  You certainly deserve the 4-8 weeks off and will probably help you catch your breath.

 

Jared 31,

Good job on pushing through with such a demanding job.  I understand what you mean by the fear of losing your career.  I feel like you're doing the right things already and won't lose your career.  I think we have to keep remembering that's what we're going through is temporary.  Hang in There

 

Caltn,

I understand what you mean.  Anxiety could be very tough at work because of the tension surrounding you.  Just take it slow with the V so your anxiety doesn't get worse.  Hang in there.

 

I get what you’re saying about being positive and remembering this is temporary. But the truth is I’m only just beginning a very long difficult process at 14mg Valium, and I have no idea if I’ll be able to remain functional through this. From my constant reading and research lately, it seems most people can’t function and go on disability so I keep thinking this will be my fate too. I love my job and need to be able to support my wife. But now I find myself telling my parents I could be disabled, broke, and moving into their basement with my wife eventually. (That is, if the wife doesn’t leave me.) Again, I’m trying to stay positive but it seems losing everything I worked for is a real possibility and it happens to many on here. Current mood: despair. Long struggle ahead....

 

Jared, I’m just joining this thread  and want to post before I lose it  but this is possible. We see the worst of the worst in BB but there are many who don’t end up disabled. I’ve been going through this process over a year and a half. Still working still raising my kids single. It’s possible. Tapering slowly is the key.  More later...

.

 

Thanks for the encouragement!!

[[Ja...]]

Bad depression is starting to set in for me. I don’t know what’s the reason. The Valium crossover? Too low a dose of Valium? The realization that I have years of struggle and suffering ahead of me? Fear of losing everything I have that I love?

[[RE...]]

Jared,

 

It seems like you're going through a tough time from withdrawal.  I am too.  Keep in mind, you can't be sure that you'll be suffering for years.  Everyone is different and you may heal way sooner.  you just have to keep in mind that everyday that passes, we're healing and the brain is healing. 

 

On another note, are you taking anything for your bipolar II.  Was wondering because, years ago, I had a full blown anxiety from antidepressants/treatment resistant depression and was put on low dose lithium.  Doctor said I may have BP II or mood disorder but I have my doubts.  Tried to get off that too but symptoms became too much and decided to wait until I feel better from the Clonopin withdrawal.

[[Ja...]]

Jared,

 

It seems like you're going through a tough time from withdrawal.  I am too.  Keep in mind, you can't be sure that you'll be suffering for years.  Everyone is different and you may heal way sooner.  you just have to keep in mind that everyday that passes, we're healing and the brain is healing. 

 

On another note, are you taking anything for your bipolar II.  Was wondering because, years ago, I had a full blown anxiety from antidepressants/treatment resistant depression and was put on low dose lithium.  Doctor said I may have BP II or mood disorder but I have my doubts.  Tried to get off that too but symptoms became too much and decided to wait until I feel better from the Clonopin withdrawal.

 

Currently not taking anything for bipolar. Never found anything safe that helped. I am considering trying lamictal because it’s for bipolar but some also say it helps with benzo withdrawal since it blocks glutamate.

[[RE...]]

Ohh ok.  Yes some people take Lamictal during Benzo benzo withdrawal too.  Was put on Lamictal 5 yrs ago but it numbed my brain and I stopped taking it right away.  Don't quite remember the dose though.

[[mo...]]

Hi Jared, there are a lot of horror stories but I remind myself I don’t know anything about what everyone else is doing. What’s their diet like? Are they drinking a ton of water to heal their brains which are 73% water? Are they exercising? What other drugs are they taking? Do they have food sensitivities that are causing symptoms or waves? Are they getting enough rest to promote healing? Are they under high or low stress? (I know, a silly question considering what we are dealing with). We don’t know any of this so I take all experiences on here with a grain of salt.

 

We have to look at this process like physical therapy for our brains which have been injured by these drugs. We are the patients and the practitioners. Another huge component is our attitude. We are healing. All of the symptoms mean our brains are fighting their way back. Follow the steps take care of yourself, let your wife help you. Research and guard your health as if your life depends on it. You will get through.

[[Ja...]]

Unused Xanax for longer than most on here. That worries me.

[[mo...]]

Jared there are many reasons to worry and also reasons not to. Try to focus on the positive everyone’s body is different.

 

As for me I’m plugging away but work is crazy this week I had a bit of a wave and forgetting stuff probably don’t sound like myself. But I’m making it hey. Another day in paradise. Wish I was independently wealthy.

[[Gw...]]

So I'm up for a promotion soon! I didn't get the second job I applied for, but a raise and more responsibility in my day job could be even better. Now I just have to hold it together. I am finding it somewhat easier to be productive even with toxic mornings. Fingers crossed!

 

Gwinna

[[Ja...]]

So I'm up for a promotion soon! I didn't get the second job I applied for, but a raise and more responsibility in my day job could be even better. Now I just have to hold it together. I am finding it somewhat easier to be productive even with toxic mornings. Fingers crossed!

 

Gwinna

 

Congrats and good luck on the promotion! You’re a fighter!

[[mo...]]

So I'm up for a promotion soon! I didn't get the second job I applied for, but a raise and more responsibility in my day job could be even better. Now I just have to hold it together. I am finding it somewhat easier to be productive even with toxic mornings. Fingers crossed!

 

Gwinna

 

Congrats Gwinna!

[[Gw...]]

Thanks! I should clarify that the promotion is not a guarantee yet, just a very likely next step. I'm focusing on feeling/doing my best at work right now, which means going to bed early, eating well, etc. Mornings are still pretty awful, but once I get to my desk I usually start to feel better. My anxiety, depression, and looping/intrusive thoughts all latch on to my career right now. I want to sell all my stuff and leave the "rat race" behind to travel the world. But since my millennial mid life crisis won't pay the bills, I guess for now I'll make more of an effort at work (and publish memoirs) instead. 

 

Gwinna

[[mo...]]

Just sounded crazy and nervous  on my remote team call for work I guess I shouldn’t have made a cut last night. But I get so impatient. I know I’m not as articulate as usual and it causes anxiety when I speak which doesn’t sound articulate and causes more anxiety. I wish there was a pill I could take for this problem. Oh yeah...

 

I guess I can always slow down my taper just overeager. Hoping to be done in spring.

[[Gw...]]

Update: I got the promotion!

 

Now if only my brain was working properly...I'm terrified. 

 

Gwinna

[[Ja...]]

Update: I got the promotion!

 

Now if only my brain was working properly...I'm terrified. 

 

Gwinna

 

Yes! You got this Gwinna. Just force your brain to do what it needs to do and it will speed your healing. I am certain you are well on your way. Congrats and let us know how it goes.