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I am teaching my classes, grading papers, doing a faculty activities report, and attending meetings. Business as usual as a college professor. At the same time, I have issues with sleep, depression, and these weird full body/mind attacks of fear and terror.

 

My wife is learning to deal with me as I am - not as present as I was a few months ago. She gets frustrated and upset at me at times, but then calms down and apologizes. She wants me up and dancing with her, laughing with her, being normal - yet here I am often laying around not even getting out of bed, not being myself.

 

I JUST started tapering 2 days ago at .03mg per day from 15mg valium. I'm now at 14.94mg for goodness sake. This is SUPER slow. However, I have to fly to Toronto in April and do a research presentation at a conference. I can't risk bad symptoms come April. Slow is how I will taper for now, and I'll see about speeding up if possible at a later date.

 

So far, I'm okay. However, so long a road ahead. Trying to stay distracted and stay positive. Trying to believe I can get off this drug and hold my life and career together.

 

In my younger years, high school and post high school, I had several close friends who had addiction problems: heroin, crack, cocaine, pills, alcohol, you name it. I was the one of my friends who was careful and was always trying to get my friends to stay clean. I was the "boring" one who was against habitual use of those dangerous drugs and admonishing my friends to stop using. Now here we are years later, all my old friends have cleaned up and got their lives together, and I am the one with the life-threatening drug problem. ME! The irony kills me...

 

I just want to teach and do my job, live my life, enjoy my wife, enjoy my new Ford Mustang I bought two months ago (did I mention this?), and be done with this. I'm looking at a long, long taper process.

 

FYI: I just started taking 7.5mg Remeron for sleep. Not sure if I'll stick with it, or if I even have a choice. But it definitely helps with sleep and appetite. Maybe this can give me a needed boost to get through taper and withdrawal.

 

How are my fellow worker buddies doing??

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Thanks for this forum! Yes, I have to work because no one else does... My husband said, "Well, you quit the Ativan, so why not keep taking the Ambien until summer?" WTF...

 

Those first few weeks were difficult. I am a college professor, and you can't have too many "off" days at the beginning or will ruin all ethos. I literally felt like a stiff board that first week with my neck and shoulder clenching from WD. The good part is that my mind is so much clearer than it's been in a while. I had no idea how fuzzy I'd become with the meds. Also, the little, nit-picky student snide remarks do NOT bother me like pre-withdrawal. I used to take that stuff home, but now, I don't even care.

 

Lidocaine rub helps on my shoulders, and I've gone back to light exercising now. At first, I was really scared about working and thinking I could not! I worried about disability or maybe FMLA, but realized that I'd just have to muddle through. So I did! :) Yes, the sleep is bad some days, but my doctor said that 4 to 6 hours is not bad if I'm not doing it every day.

 

Spring can't come soon enough. I want some sunshine and warm weather! If anyone wants to email me, I'd love to correspond!

 

Love!

 

 

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Hey Jared! I’m so glad things are going well! The key is to go at your pace in order to remain functional and work and live your life. Just don’t think about the time it takes that only leads to moving too quickly and that’s never a good thing (see below, ha).

 

As for me I guess it’s safe to say I hit a wall of sorts. I was moving along at a pretty fast clip and it caught up with me. It’s taken me some weeks to stabilize but I seem to be stabilizing. So now after having some very unproductive weeks of work I’m getting looked at very closely. So my plan is to hold for an extended period of time and get back in good graces. Maybe even start to be social again until I start tapering again and don’t want to talk to anyone. So that’s where I’m at not sure when I’ll complete this but that’s ok. At least I’m functioning although very tired but I have my sanity and that means everything.

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Thanks for this forum! Yes, I have to work because no one else does... My husband said, "Well, you quit the Ativan, so why not keep taking the Ambien until summer?" WTF...

 

Those first few weeks were difficult. I am a college professor, and you can't have too many "off" days at the beginning or will ruin all ethos. I literally felt like a stiff board that first week with my neck and shoulder clenching from WD. The good part is that my mind is so much clearer than it's been in a while. I had no idea how fuzzy I'd become with the meds. Also, the little, nit-picky student snide remarks do NOT bother me like pre-withdrawal. I used to take that stuff home, but now, I don't even care.

 

Lidocaine rub helps on my shoulders, and I've gone back to light exercising now. At first, I was really scared about working and thinking I could not! I worried about disability or maybe FMLA, but realized that I'd just have to muddle through. So I did! :) Yes, the sleep is bad some days, but my doctor said that 4 to 6 hours is not bad if I'm not doing it every day.

 

Spring can't come soon enough. I want some sunshine and warm weather! If anyone wants to email me, I'd love to correspond!

 

Love!

 

Fish I really feel like the only people who truly get this situation are the people on this forum or others who have gone through this. I’ll have to try the lidocaine my shoulders hurt off and on. And glad to hear you can exercise. I had to limit myself to walking only otherwise I couldn’t sleep. But I took a run on Friday (figured I didn’t need to work the next day so if I didn’t sleep I could deal)  and still slept! Glad that part is behind me (or is it?) Yoh just never know do you... Keep on keeping on...

 

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I am teaching my classes, grading papers, doing a faculty activities report, and attending meetings. Business as usual as a college professor. At the same time, I have issues with sleep, depression, and these weird full body/mind attacks of fear and terror.

 

My wife is learning to deal with me as I am - not as present as I was a few months ago. She gets frustrated and upset at me at times, but then calms down and apologizes. She wants me up and dancing with her, laughing with her, being normal - yet here I am often laying around not even getting out of bed, not being myself.

 

I JUST started tapering 2 days ago at .03mg per day from 15mg valium. I'm now at 14.94mg for goodness sake. This is SUPER slow. However, I have to fly to Toronto in April and do a research presentation at a conference. I can't risk bad symptoms come April. Slow is how I will taper for now, and I'll see about speeding up if possible at a later date.

 

So far, I'm okay. However, so long a road ahead. Trying to stay distracted and stay positive. Trying to believe I can get off this drug and hold my life and career together.

 

In my younger years, high school and post high school, I had several close friends who had addiction problems: heroin, crack, cocaine, pills, alcohol, you name it. I was the one of my friends who was careful and was always trying to get my friends to stay clean. I was the "boring" one who was against habitual use of those dangerous drugs and admonishing my friends to stop using. Now here we are years later, all my old friends have cleaned up and got their lives together, and I am the one with the life-threatening drug problem. ME! The irony kills me...

 

I just want to teach and do my job, live my life, enjoy my wife, enjoy my new Ford Mustang I bought two months ago (did I mention this?), and be done with this. I'm looking at a long, long taper process.

 

FYI: I just started taking 7.5mg Remeron for sleep. Not sure if I'll stick with it, or if I even have a choice. But it definitely helps with sleep and appetite. Maybe this can give me a needed boost to get through taper and withdrawal.

 

How are my fellow worker buddies doing??

 

Jared,

 

I added remeron for my taper. It really helped me. I had read a lot online about remeron "poop out" where it stops working, and I have experienced that less than two years in. It's a great drug but if you can go without a few days a week and only use it when you really need it, I think it will work better for you. Just my experience. My therapist experienced the same thing and now she only uses it occasionally.

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Hi, I am very new to these forums so I hope I'm not breaking any rules. I teach high school full time so that obviously makes it very difficult.

 

TRIGGER Maybe

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Almost every teacher in my building is on something for their 'nerves', a benzo more often than not. We've shared them and everything. We work in a high poverty and low pay area so that makes it a very rough situation, so I completely understand the need/impulse to medicate. It's just unfortunate that doctors don't educate about the long term risks. I have not started a taper yet... I am just now learning the long term damage done to the body, but I wanted to say hi, since there's no way I can stop working and will have to work through my taper for sure.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to say hello and that I admire each and every one of you very much.

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Hi Porcelain! I hope this thread will help you. I completely understand about the stress you must be under. And my doc didn’t educate me either, I never would have taken this drug if she had, I definitely didn’t need it. Before you start your taper, just be sure you are in a good place health wise, not smoking, and exercise is key. You’ll likely have a much easier time if you’re exercising. Start slow and build up if your body allows. Tons of great info. on BB and everyone is so willing to help. You’ll want to determine if cut and hold or a daily taper is best for your lifestyle. You can do this while you’re working but will need lots of self care and rest. Welcome!
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Hi, I am very new to these forums so I hope I'm not breaking any rules. I teach high school full time so that obviously makes it very difficult.

 

TRIGGER Maybe

.

.

.

.

Almost every teacher in my building is on something for their 'nerves', a benzo more often than not. We've shared them and everything. We work in a high poverty and low pay area so that makes it a very rough situation, so I completely understand the need/impulse to medicate. It's just unfortunate that doctors don't educate about the long term risks. I have not started a taper yet... I am just now learning the long term damage done to the body, but I wanted to say hi, since there's no way I can stop working and will have to work through my taper for sure.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to say hello and that I admire each and every one of you very much.

 

Hi Porcelain,

 

I'm an education professor so I train teachers. I have been telling my students about my ordeal with Benzo withdrawal so they will be informed and not uninformed (as I was) of the dangers. I suspect that I have students in every classroom who are already on a Benzo or will be prescribed one eventually once the stress of teaching hits them.

 

I now also teach mindfulness in all my education classes and stress to these new teachers they will need these healthy coping strategies, but...yeah...I do tell them about what I'm going through with Benzo withdrawal because I wish someone had told me. In addition, it helps that they know in case I'm having withdrawal symptoms while teaching and have to end class early - they will already know what's going on. On a positive note, one of my students said that my students love me and they would be willing do to anything to help me through this like even picking up groceries for my home. I do not need this kind of assistance but the gesture of support and concern from my students was refreshing.

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Jared this post almost made me cry. How brave of you to share with your students. And what a supportive environment you are in. Your students sound amazing. I work in corporate America so there’s no way I can share this with my closest colleagues. Only a few know I’m having any health concern at all. Much of the time I feel like I’m on an island. So I try to make it as pleasant for myself as possible. Self care. So glad things are going ok for you.

 

This has been the toughest few weeks at work ever. I think I was going too fast and having too many symptoms so my bosses started to notice low productivity and mistakes. I’ll be holding for a while. I need to work so that has to be my top priority, remaining functional. Even though I want to keep going full steam. I’m feeling so much better than a few weeks ago and look back at emails I sent or things I missed and cringe. Glad I’m getting back on track.

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Just jumping back on this thread. I am now at the end of my FML. I took four weeks off and go back to work as a high school teacher on Monday. It's amazing to me how many teachers have been prescribed this medication for their career. It is clear the career is extremely stressful. I'm not doing very well since returning back home to my wife and daughter. It seems everything sets me off. My daughter. My wife. Thinking about going back to work. But maybe it will be a good thing going back. Who knows. I will probably find a new line of work at the end of this year. What bothers me about all this is I'm 11 months off and still suffering from depression and intrusive thoughts. I still have some burning skin too. Things have definitely improved but I'm still not feeling completely myself. I'm starting to wonder who I was before this though and wondering about other medications that could help me, as much as I don't want to take anything. I have stayed off all RX drugs. No alcohol since the 6/6/2018. I have tried coffee a couple times along the way. I tried the ginkgo protocol at 8 months off and it didn't help anything. I drink lots of water and eat better than I used to. I have been exercising during my four weeks off. Just hard going through this while working a very stressful career. But it was the career that put me on this in the first place.
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Does anybody in this group feel like the stress/anxiety from work throws them into depressive waves? That's what I'm feeling today. Had a ton of anxiety around my students today and have been a severely depressed state since then.
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Does anybody in this group feel like the stress/anxiety from work throws them into depressive waves? That's what I'm feeling today. Had a ton of anxiety around my students today and have been a severely depressed state since then.

 

I think our brains are sensitive so anything that causes us stress can affect us greatly. More than it would if we weren’t going through this process. So we have to take care of ourselves. Make sure you’re getting enough rest that is key.

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Thank you all for the warm welcome! It seems the issues with teachers and benzos is widespread and that's horrifying and sad. It's sad that the career makes you so stressed that you get sick and then you go and "get help" like everyone says you need to do with mental health issues and the medication causes even more stress and pain in the end. Hopefully we'll see the end of this in our lifetimes through education for health professionals and the general public.

 

Jared, it's wonderful that your students are so understanding and I think it shows that you are a great professor and these young people will make outstanding, compassionate teachers in the future. I hope we can make it a profession worthy of them one of these days... (I teach in the bottom 5% or so of states when it comes to teacher compensation and treatment).

 

At this time I am just working on breaking the habit of reaching for the pills each time I start to panic or dissociate (I've struggled with both since I was very young, along with depression). I still end up taking my dose listed below for now but there were times I overused due to "bad days" and such and I am breaking myself of that and taking only enough to stop withdrawals/true out of control panic. After that I believe I will do a very slow taper.

 

It's very nice to meet you all and thank you for welcoming me :)

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It was timely to discover this thread.

 

I'm a software engineer. That's been my career my whole adult life, 22 years.

 

I've been tapering since 2014. I started 2014 at 3MG of Klonopin and tapered down to nothing in 10 months. Probably too fast. In late 2014, at the end of my taper, I had a big crash that ended with me experiencing severe nerve pain, insomnia and other symptoms. Notably I lost 35lbs. in 6 days and didn't sleep that whole time.

 

Even though I'd experienced DP/DR, vertigo and other things during my taper the wave at the end was the worst. I reinstated at 5mg of Valium, added Propranolol and held for a bit.

 

After 3 weeks off work I recovered mostly back to how I was before the crash. I was anxious, had memory problems, cog fog, etc. but otherwise I was mostly able to function and back at the office. I even pulled 80 hour weeks for a bit not 3 months after that major wave. Later in the fall of 2015 my wife and I moved from America to Australia.

 

While in Australia I also worked normal hours, commuting to work by ferry and train. I really enjoyed the work and the people. By that point I was doing a slow micro-taper. Trying to work my way back down from the reinstated 5mg, but this time very slowly. I got down to 1.85mg over the course of a year. Unfortunately my contract ended and my sleep hygiene and diet fell apart. In addition my wife and I were living in a flat next door to a skyscraper that was being demolished floor-by-floor using a jackhammer so my nerves and sleep started to get wrecked. I had another crash in fall of 2016. This time it lasted 10 days. I lost 40lbs during that time, had insomnia for about 8 of those days along with nerve pain and the rest.

 

I bumped up from 1.85 to 2mg and held there where I've held since.

 

I returned to America in the fall of 2016 and shortly after that my mom passed away. That's why I've held so long. After my mom passed away my brothers and I had to take care of my father, moving him up to live with us and shouldering a bunch of new responsibility.

 

I've been working again since March of 2017, so almost 2 years now. In that time my wife and I have managed to pay off all of our debt. I saved another $20,000 for retirement, we saved the down payment for a house and bought a house and we've also banked another $30,000 in pure savings.

 

Work is really good for keeping me in a routine, making me feel useful and obviously there have been financial benefits that make me feel like I have some cushion should I have to step away from work. That's my background.

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Just in case my wall of text scared anyone off I wanted to put my current problem in a different post.

 

So recently at my company our project manager quit. We're already a little disorganized and a lot of the pressure has fallen on me as a result. I can viscerally feel my anxiety ramping up and I'm worried I'll have to just quit or take a long break like I had to in 2014 in order to get back to balance. I don't know what it means that I can keep working and that I enjoy working in spite of all this. And I don't know what it means that unlike my co-workers I have a known threshold that, should I cross it, might result in catastrophic results.

 

It's a really hard thing to live with sometimes, trying to work normally and knowing deep down how different you are. Usually the work distracts me, but right now it's been really hard. I contemplate quitting a lot, just to take a break and let my stress settle down.

 

Is there anything you guys find successfully keeps you in balance as you work through this while working?

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Work is crazy right now. Life is crazy right now. I accepted a supervisor position, only to find out a week later that my boss and my boss's boss both put in their notice. I am now hiring and training both the staff that I will be supervising and the people who will supervise me. I'll have to write a grant next month and go to several important networking functions. I moved from a classroom to an office. My daily routine is completely different and filled with meetings. I am working easily 10-12 hour days, with new and demanding tasks. When I get home, I have to pack and coordinate a move within 60 days because our landlord would rather terminate our lease than repair water damage and resulting mold. Money is tight and there aren't enough hours in the day. I am stressed out all the time and my back is killing me. I've already had to fire someone. At least I managed to negotiate some overtime pay during the transition on top of my salary raise. And I think I'm going to like this job once I figure it out.

 

This is one of those life seasons that's overwhelming in the moment but worth it in the long run. There are a lot of opportunities in all this chaos, and I'm doing my best to take advantage. But it doesn't seem like so long ago that I was barely working full time on light duty. It's a sign of progress, right? I'm in over my head, but I thrive in adversity! I have actually been less irrationally anxious and depressed with real life things to be anxious and depressed about.

 

I need to get a planner and take better care of myself if I'm going to get through this. Is it spring yet?

 

Gwinna

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New to this group.  I was on a 2 month leave of absence from work as an electronics engineer due to instability and some rapid tapering of Ativan.  I am now returning to work, at first part time 3 days a week.

 

Today was my first day back.  I did ok, but it was extremely tiring for me and my symptoms ramped somewhat.  Symptoms mainly chest and stomach tightness and fuzzy vision, cog fog, tiredness.  I feel I am still not quite stable yet which is probably not helping.  The stress of commuting, dealing with work issues, and simply working at my computer after being off is definitely hard to adjust to and ramps my symptoms.  I’m hoping more time stabilizing and adjusting to working will help and things will improve. 

 

Good luck folks!

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Hi  group......off all the poison for 20months but still have one foot in the grave....i am a partner  in a business  that's been going for 30years ,,,i don't know how i have made is so far as some days i just  go sit in the rest room and just pray,,,,the feeling that i have been poisoned  with acid and would rather just die is the same everyday.....my partner has no clue and sais when i feel crap i must have a drink and feel better,,,,,they all say we heal but it doesn't feel that way ,,,,this trip through hell is no way a human should live and i wonder how someone could off created such rubbish,,,,the devils medicine.... ..

 

good luck to all those trying to continue with life,,,,,,

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NOTE: Before you proceed, you should know that the following is a block of text from Baylissa Frederick – it is not from ThEwAy2’s personal experience. (Admins)

 


 

I often think of friends who have long recovered as well as those who healed more recently. At some point, every one of them have said the same things I hear some of you say now: “I don’t think I can do this for much longer.” “What if this isn’t withdrawal?” ” I don’t think I can take any more.” “I think I will be the person who doesn’t heal.” “Why am I getting worse rather than better?” “Will I make it to the end of my taper?” “Maybe this isn’t protracted withdrawal; maybe something else is wrong.”

 

Some had the worst withdrawal experiences and would often lose hope. Many were cold-turkeyed multiple times, given ECT, reinstated and at times more than once, up-dosed, some felt stuck waiting to stabilize, a lot of them were poly-drugged – you name it – they have experienced it. I had to reassure… reassure… reassure.  There were quite a few who were suicidal or had strong ideation regularly. Well, I can tell you that they are extremely happy they didn’t act on it. It’s true that no one ever comes back to say, “I’m really upset that you encouraged me to keep going and not give up or give in.” Instead, they are thankful they waited it out. There is so much good on the other side, the response is always that it was worth it.

 

I know that with so much conflicting information and so many people who are waiting longer than anticipated claiming to be exceptions to the “happy ending” stories, it may be difficult for you to believe you will heal. But even those people who post comments about never healing will heal too. You will see. They will see. It’s only a matter of time. Yes, many people heal within the first 18 months, but there are others for whom it will take more time. Trust the process. Your nervous system is innately intelligent, resilient and self-healing. It knows exactly what to do in order for you to heal.

 

So, remind yourself of this, today. Take a deep breath… and for a moment, tell yourself that the day is coming when you, too, will recover from your withdrawal and will be able to move on, do all the things you can’t now, and live your best life. Even if you are still tapering, yet to taper, feeling stuck, or in the acute, post-acute or protracted stage with seemingly no signs of improvement yet, remember that the natural outcome of withdrawal is recovery. If you consider those before you who experienced what you are now,  you can expect to get better and one day share your success story too. That time is coming!

 

Keep holding on. Trust that when the timing is right for you, this withdrawal chapter will come to an end and you will be well again.

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I've been microtapering with liquid and pills for just over a month. I started at 15mg valium cutting .03mg per day and just increased to .05mg per day. I'm currently at 13.8mg.  I've been feeling quite okay. I'm working as a professor and am 100% functional.

 

I have to decide by Monday whether or not to accept a summer job as a supervisor at a sleep away camp for special needs kids. I would live at the camp for 2 months and supervise about 15 counselor who attend to the daily needs of about 50 campers.

 

This is a tough decision because I don't know what my symptoms and functionality will be come June after 3 and half months of tapering. I'm thinking if I take the job I should go back to tapering slower at .03mg per day.

 

Any advice on this?

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Jared, could you hold for the summer? My one worry would be being away from my home and my routine during that time.
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Hi Stephen and welcome to this group. The only things I can say are get enough rest, nap when you need to. also exercise is imperative for me. I also have three kids and I’m a single mom so I don’t get it in 7 days a week but I at least walk about 4 or 5 days a week. This is a stress reliever and also heals your brain. And I sleep better when I’ve exercised. I hit a serious wall in January and now I’m holding and figuring out my next steps. I wasn’t very productive at workforce weeks  so proving myself again. I definitely understand about feeling different from everyone else. This is so isolating. But it sounds like you’re moving along and making progress. Just keep going and slow down or hold if you need to. You’re doing great.
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I've been microtapering with liquid and pills for just over a month. I started at 15mg valium cutting .03mg per day and just increased to .05mg per day. I'm currently at 13.8mg.  I've been feeling quite okay. I'm working as a professor and am 100% functional.

 

I have to decide by Monday whether or not to accept a summer job as a supervisor at a sleep away camp for special needs kids. I would live at the camp for 2 months and supervise about 15 counselor who attend to the daily needs of about 50 campers.

 

This is a tough decision because I don't know what my symptoms and functionality will be come June after 3 and half months of tapering. I'm thinking if I take the job I should go back to tapering slower at .03mg per day.

 

Any advice on this?

 

Jared!  :yippee: I'm so happy to hear that you're doing well so far. Is the summer position one that you would enjoy? I agree with StephenDedalus (love the username!); I wouldn't be able to function at work without my routines. That's why moving is so rough for me right now. Still, if you're fully functional maybe it will help to keep your mind off things.  And you can always hold if things get tougher. Good luck with the decision.

 

Gwinna

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Hi Stephen and welcome to this group. The only things I can say are get enough rest, nap when you need to. also exercise is imperative for me. I also have three kids and I’m a single mom so I don’t get it in 7 days a week but I at least walk about 4 or 5 days a week. This is a stress reliever and also heals your brain. And I sleep better when I’ve exercised. I hit a serious wall in January and now I’m holding and figuring out my next steps. I wasn’t very productive at workforce weeks  so proving myself again. I definitely understand about feeling different from everyone else. This is so isolating. But it sounds like you’re moving along and making progress. Just keep going and slow down or hold if you need to. You’re doing great.

 

I've actually been in a long hold. I had a major wave back in 2016 that really freaked me out. I lost 35 pounds in like 7 days, terrible nerve pain, etc. Plus I was living in Australia at the time. So I held to move back home to America and then 2 weeks after my wife returned from her part of the ex-pat assignment my mom passed away and we were put in charge of my legally blind, dependent father.

 

So I've been holding for quite some time. Trying to build up savings and figure out what the next steps would be.

 

My dad is safe and fairly happy / settled at this point. My wife and I bought a house we can afford on just her income if need be. We banked a fair amount of money as well as a year plus of 401k contributions.

 

So I could take some time off if need be. I'm taking next week off. My company was very understanding. I plan on using that time to lay low, go for walks, clean up my diet more and rest.

 

Then I'm going to decide what to do from there. I thought about programming today (I'm a computer programmer) and just thinking of it revved up my symptoms. I think on top of everything else I might be burned out on my work. Or I might associate too tightly with the various episodes I've had over the years, notably a 5 day insomnia spell BEFORE I was ever put on benzos.

 

Part of me wants to get out of programming altogether. Part of me wants to recognize that my wife and I have some lifestyle flexibility and use that to simply find a programming / IT job that's less demanding. With more vacation, guarantees that I can shut my cell phone off after work and the weekends, etc.

 

I don't know how else I stay in this profession and finish this taper, to be honest.

 

Thanks for the tips. Those are almost all the things I'm doing right now. I walked 2 miles in my neighborhood and it was lovely. A welcome distraction I don't always give myself time for because of stress / being busy.

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