Full Time worker support group

[[St...]]

Thinking a lot about my career right now. In 2004 I had a terrible bought of insomnia. 5 days straight. That's what started this all. I was put on Klonopin and thus started my journey as an anxiety patient and as someone who had to take seriously the consideration of work/life balance and what that fundamentally meant. Long before a taper even entered the equation.

 

Recently as things have flared up again it's got me thinking about how when I was taking computer programming classes at college my conception of what programming is vs. what I'm doing now was completely different.

 

Back then programming to me was everything from writing reports to making a web page to even helping with servers. I wasn't specialized yet, so it could be any of a number of things.

 

I just enjoyed programming. I wasn't trying to be a "software engineer". I didn't have designs on working at big companies or for big clients. I just wanted to write some code because I enjoyed the problem solving and it meshed well with the way my mind worked.

 

There are times right now where I don't know if I can do this anymore. And I have no clue what I would do next if that's the case. There are times where I think about taking a slower paced programming job with more defined hours and less stress. Working at a college or for a government agency or something.

 

I didn't get in this for the money and in fact the cost of mitigating the anxiety and health issues that I deal with has made it less lucrative than one might think.

 

Lots to think about. I have no idea how people decide to change careers if that's in my future. What I do know is that when I was a kid and I thought about what made one successful it was running away from poverty and striving.

 

Now when I think about success, I think I could be very happy with a very modest life as long as it was quiet and peaceful and I had hope for the future.

[[RE...]]

StephenDeDalus-

I think a lot of the questions you ask yourself are questions that most people struggle with everyday.  Sometimes we find real life being way different than what we anticipated in college or high school or our priorities change in life as we age.

 

I am also in the engineering field, and although I have more flexibility than you without leaving my field, I always ask myself if I'll be happier doing somethings else.  I also know countless people who are doing completely different stuff than what they've studied in college.  I think the most important thing is to do some sole searching and really figure out what makes YOU happy to be doing everyday of your life.

 

Like you said, if your withdrawal symptoms allow it, taking a part time programming gig while you start exploring your options might work.  If worse comes worse, you quit your job and give yourself a little time in between to decide which direction you want to go.  Good luck!!

 

 

[[mo...]]

I've been microtapering with liquid and pills for just over a month. I started at 15mg valium cutting .03mg per day and just increased to .05mg per day. I'm currently at 13.8mg.  I've been feeling quite okay. I'm working as a professor and am 100% functional.

 

I have to decide by Monday whether or not to accept a summer job as a supervisor at a sleep away camp for special needs kids. I would live at the camp for 2 months and supervise about 15 counselor who attend to the daily needs of about 50 campers.

 

This is a tough decision because I don't know what my symptoms and functionality will be come June after 3 and half months of tapering. I'm thinking if I take the job I should go back to tapering slower at .03mg per day.

 

Any advice on this?

 

I’m so sorry I missed your post Jared. If you haven’t had much symptoms maybe go ahead and do it the camp may do you good. Whenever I’m making decisions I think about what the worst case scenario would be. Think of any symptoms you’ve had where you could put yourself or others in peril (I.e. if you’ve felt dizzy how could this affect your ability to keep everyone safe are you going on a boat etc). Or if you did get symptoms will there be another to take your place? Although, the best indicator of the future is the past. So maybe you’ll never have symptoms? I say go for it. Tread lightly and if you feel symptoms coming on then hold. Have fun!

[[bo...]]

Stephen,

 

I have thought many times about quitting my job in education (I'm a high school teacher) and doing something else but then I panic and have no idea what that something else would be. When I was in college, I sort of pictured this perfect home life with summers off. Having summer of is nice, but you definitely pay for it the nine months you teach. Non-stop grading outside work hours. Lesson planning. Constant worry about individual students because of behavioral issues or bad grades. Then you throw withdrawal into all this. I started taking the medication because of this job, and now nearly a year later I'm suffering all sorts of crazy mental symptoms along with the stress of the job. Anyway, I know what it's like thinking about other career possibilities and it's often daunting. I think about it all the time.

[[St...]]

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful replies.

 

Boombox, I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. I’ve definitely had the thought you expressed as well. That I can’t quite figure out what would actually be less stressful, especially when I take into consideration my aptitude at what I currently do.

 

Hoping you and I both figure out what’s best. Hang in there.

[[Gw...]]

I wanted to chime in again since so many in this thread are considering career changes. I was a high school teacher for nine years. I went to college for it. Growing up with a lot of trauma, the one certainty in my life was that I was going to be a teacher. That goal helped me survive adolescence. I built my identity around it.

 

And I'm pretty good at it. I'm not great at it, but I found I really couldn't thrive in the public school system. I had no home life balance. I had no support from administrators, parents were terrible, and I was anxious and depressed because I took it all personally. As the job wore on me, I also deteriorated from the long-term Valium use. A decade went by and I was terribly unhappy.

 

Like some people here, I felt trapped. I didn't know what other positions I would be qualified for, what I'd be good at, or what I'd like. I had never planned for any other future or lifestyle. But I couldn't keep doing what I was doing either. I was burned out.

 

When my husband got a job closer to his family, I applied to teach GED classes because I thought it looked easy (ha!) and I figured at least it was a change of pace. That was two and a half years ago. I've learned so much in that time, including how to think about my own career. I have a better idea of my skill sets, and I'm expanding them fast. It probably helps that I got off the Valium while in this new job.

 

Now I'm on a course to explore nonprofit management. I am, officially, no longer a teacher first and foremost. I'm a different person with options for my future that I can explore and navigate. My quality of life is significantly higher in almost every way. Sometimes I miss classroom teaching, and I often regret that it wasn't what I'd built it up to be in my head (or that I wasn't the person I'd built myself up to be in my head). Mostly though, I'm just glad I got out.

 

I still don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I'm glad I taught for a while. Now I have plenty of life left to live, and I'm determined not to stagnate like that again. It gets better from here.

 

My heart goes out to all the educators and other professionals here. I hope you find purpose and peace of mind in your healing journey.

 

Best,

Gwinna

[[St...]]

Now I'm on a course to explore nonprofit management. I am, officially, no longer a teacher first and foremost. I'm a different person with options for my future that I can explore and navigate. My quality of life is significantly higher in almost every way. Sometimes I miss classroom teaching, and I often regret that it wasn't what I'd built it up to be in my head (or that I wasn't the person I'd built myself up to be in my head). Mostly though, I'm just glad I got out.

 

I still don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I'm glad I taught for a while. Now I have plenty of life left to live, and I'm determined not to stagnate like that again. It gets better from here.

 

My heart goes out to all the educators and other professionals here. I hope you find purpose and peace of mind in your healing journey.

 

Best,

Gwinna

 

This was a very kind and generous post, Gwinna. Thank you for posting this.

 

This is where my head is at, mostly. My wife is gainfully employed and does well. In my darkest moments when my runaway mind is getting the best of me I worry that she won't stick around through the worst of this. When I'm more calm and at ease, though, I consider myself very lucky. I could quit my job tomorrow, if I wanted, and pursue a different line of work entirely.

 

When I was back in Australia and in my worst wave I told myself that I would do anything to hang on. That I'd be willing to move to the smallest city in the country with no TV, no fancy amenities and work at a shop or whatever I thought I could do to get through. And that's still true.

 

It would be a bonus, though, if I took advantage of my good fortune to have a loving wife and some savings and used to to simply find a new thing to do for a while.

 

A good friend of mine reached out yesterday after I posted something similar on FB. She talked about how she bounced from career to career nearly every 7 years. Just didn't really have a passion for any one thing, but wanted to just be happy and live a balanced life. I think about that a lot and how I could really do with a lot less if it meant getting through this intact. I just have to figure out what and when.

[[St...]]

On day 3 of my week off and my doctor thinks I should make the decision to go back to work. I explained to her how this time off has felt, psychologically, very unnerving. I’m sure it’s still restive, but during the time I’ve found myself anxious more often than not that I’m on the edge of losing my structure and a huge distraction.

 

On the walk / ride home I visualized / thought of myself as a “normal” person who was totally going back to work on Monday. I felt better that way.

 

So now I’m kind of wondering what’s worse. Work stress or the stress of being outside my structure with my wife out of the country. Any thoughts on this?

[[RE...]]

I wanted to chime in again since so many in this thread are considering career changes. I was a high school teacher for nine years. I went to college for it. Growing up with a lot of trauma, the one certainty in my life was that I was going to be a teacher. That goal helped me survive adolescence. I built my identity around it.

 

And I'm pretty good at it. I'm not great at it, but I found I really couldn't thrive in the public school system. I had no home life balance. I had no support from administrators, parents were terrible, and I was anxious and depressed because I took it all personally. As the job wore on me, I also deteriorated from the long-term Valium use. A decade went by and I was terribly unhappy.

 

Like some people here, I felt trapped. I didn't know what other positions I would be qualified for, what I'd be good at, or what I'd like. I had never planned for any other future or lifestyle. But I couldn't keep doing what I was doing either. I was burned out.

 

When my husband got a job closer to his family, I applied to teach GED classes because I thought it looked easy (ha!) and I figured at least it was a change of pace. That was two and a half years ago. I've learned so much in that time, including how to think about my own career. I have a better idea of my skill sets, and I'm expanding them fast. It probably helps that I got off the Valium while in this new job.

 

Now I'm on a course to explore nonprofit management. I am, officially, no longer a teacher first and foremost. I'm a different person with options for my future that I can explore and navigate. My quality of life is significantly higher in almost every way. Sometimes I miss classroom teaching, and I often regret that it wasn't what I'd built it up to be in my head (or that I wasn't the person I'd built myself up to be in my head). Mostly though, I'm just glad I got out.

 

I still don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I'm glad I taught for a while. Now I have plenty of life left to live, and I'm determined not to stagnate like that again. It gets better from here.

 

My heart goes out to all the educators and other professionals here. I hope you find purpose and peace of mind in your healing journey.

 

Best,

Gwinna

 

Gwinna,  I am very haopy for you and great job in maneuvering your career to where you want.  I think we all should do what makes us happy and not be influenced by family or society in general wants us to be.  In my case, although not there 100%, I have been working to free myself from Corporate America and work for myself because I want to improve the quality of my life.  But I have to get through this Benzo stuff first and don't want too look too much ahead. Good luck.

[[RE...]]

On day 3 of my week off and my doctor thinks I should make the decision to go back to work. I explained to her how this time off has felt, psychologically, very unnerving. I’m sure it’s still restive, but during the time I’ve found myself anxious more often than not that I’m on the edge of losing my structure and a huge distraction.

 

On the walk / ride home I visualized / thought of myself as a “normal” person who was totally going back to work on Monday. I felt better that way.

 

So now I’m kind of wondering what’s worse. Work stress or the stress of being outside my structure with my wife out of the country. Any thoughts on this?

 

Stephen

I think it depends on how much better you feel by staying home than working.  If you can manage to be working with manageable stress, I think working will give you the a sense of accomplishment and distraction that you need.  I am not working at the moment and every month that passes by, I feel that I'm losing control of my life and become anxious about when this stuff will end.

[[mo...]]

On day 3 of my week off and my doctor thinks I should make the decision to go back to work. I explained to her how this time off has felt, psychologically, very unnerving. I’m sure it’s still restive, but during the time I’ve found myself anxious more often than not that I’m on the edge of losing my structure and a huge distraction.

 

On the walk / ride home I visualized / thought of myself as a “normal” person who was totally going back to work on Monday. I felt better that way.

 

So now I’m kind of wondering what’s worse. Work stress or the stress of being outside my structure with my wife out of the country. Any thoughts on this?

 

Steve I understand wholeheartedly. Not working can be as stressful as not working. If you really do need the time off and don’t feel you are up to working, you may want to ask yourself how comfortable you are with self care. This process, I feel, causes us to re-examine how well we take care of ourselves and kind of forces us to. Speaking for myself I’m in this mess because I wasn’t taking care of myself. So I’m learning to let some things go and do what needs to be done to be ok. This may be a lofty not very practical response and may not help you immediately but something to think about. If you need the time off to heal and you won’t be much good to them working well below your capacity then allow yourself the time off.

 

On the other hand, as much as I dislike not having a choice and I have to work because it’s just me, I also feel it’s a distraction, it gets me up in the morning, it gives me goals, and I think it may have helped with my sleep because I’m so tired at the end of the day my body has no choice but to sleep (my theory who knows). If you can muster the strength to work and you have a flexible company for when you’re not at 100% then I say go for it. Especially if you feel more comfortable and less stressed working. Good luck either way and I’m sure you’ll make the right decision.

[[mo...]]

Posted on the micro taper group too, had to share I started back today on Bob’s dry taper. I mixed it last night and started with my usual dose to see if there would be any affect similar to a cut  and to make sure I mixed it ok. I was so glad to wake today feeling ok so now I know I mixed it well, that part stresses me out. I think I’ll start reducing by .001 per day but if I feel symptoms I’ll only reduce the amount every other day which would be equivalent to .0005mg per day.  At worst I should be done in 5-6 months not ideal but I need to prove myself again at work and I have some travel planned that I need to be well for. So I cannot have intense symptoms.  Feeling hopeful and glad to continue my journey.

[[bo...]]

Not working for me has actually been worse than working because I have formed some sort of weird aversion to being at my house, alone, or with my family. I don't like being alone very much. On top of that, I have had a hard time recently being around my wife and daughter. When I took my leave of absence for a month, I pretty much just stayed at my parent's house to whole time because of this. They were around all the time. Also, I would just end up leaving the house and finding stuff to do anyway.

 

For me, if I were not working right now, I would feel really confused as to what to do with all my time. Pre-benzos I wouldn't have felt this way. I would have liked taking a lot of time off work.

[[bo...]]

How many teachers on this have dealt with chest pains while at work? I had it really bad today when I was reading to the class. It's hard having anxiety because of work on top of benzo withdrawal and I'm trying to decipher what is what at this point.

[[Ho...]]

I am retired now two years.  I cannot imagine working while tapering.  Wish you guys all the very best.

[[St...]]

So I got back to work today, hoping the routine would do me good. I started okay and felt okay. A little shaky due to all the derealization and panic I experienced last week OFF of work. But I felt okay.

 

Then I found out my boss hadn't even tried to fill the role that started all this. 11 days after the interview and he hadn't even bothered to reach out to the woman we thought he should hire to be the new project manager.

 

The background is that about 2 months ago our project manager quit. He quit and basically razed the Earth as he left the company about how bad things were. That didn't help. Then after he left I got his responsibility. That definitely didn't help. Then I started dropping balls and having trouble with cognitive fog, memory loss and other things I've experienced before when overloaded. Before you knew it I had to walk away for a week.

 

And now I'm back and they're no closer to hiring someone else. Also, side note, this office has lost 6 people in the last 2 months. Now there are only 6 people in the office. So obviously things are not right there. One of the people who left was a partner who cashed out to leave. So he must not have high hopes.

 

It's horribly demoralizing and makes you think that you're the sucker for staying around. And, honestly, I would quit were it not for the fact that the structure seemed to help for the last 2 years and that my wife is still out of the country. Just white knuckling this until she gets home and I can start to make big decisions.

[[St...]]

Currently I'm in a major wave. Twitching, sensitive / burning skin, insomnia, internal vibrations, etc.

 

As I said earlier, I took last week off. I came back to work this week and have been at work for 3 days.

 

To summarize from earlier, basically two months ago the project manager on my main project at work quit and my company failed to fill the position. I tried to take over the duties, but got overloaded really quickly. The customer is also really demanding. While this was going on FIVE other people in my office quit. So we've gone from an office of 12 people down to an office of 6 in a couple of months. It feels like everything is really unstable here.

 

Worse, it feels like my boss is either checked out or doesn't have the backing *he* needs to do the things he needs to do to support the team. Which, of course, doesn't make me feel supported which then feeds back into my anxiety and my current state overall.

 

In 10 days I'm supposed to fly to a conference in Vegas and I'm not feeling good about that at all. I don't know if I want to be with this company long term. I'm struggling to sleep right as it is. It's in Vegas which is all loud noises and loud lights. I'm worried I'll be overwhelmed and ruin what little stability I gained this week. All for a company I don't really want to work for anymore.

 

Any thoughts on what I should do?

[[mo...]]

Hi there, sorry to hear Work is so crazy. But the bright side is you have a job which is more than some can say. I know it’s tough though. I’m in the same boat with my company but it’s a devil you know situation and I’m staying until I feel up to starting somewhere else. I don’t want to start off somewhere on the wrong foot. At least I’ve proven myself with the company I’m at now. Even if I’ve made some mistakes recently. A new company might not be as forgiving. It sounds like work is good for you so just take one day at a time and I know you’ll make the right decision.

[[St...]]

True true. Thanks.

 

Things have been better the last few days. This might have just been a horrendous wave set off by supplements I tried or just a build-up of overall anxiety due to the job, my wife being gone, etc. When things get really bad I track all my symptoms in a spreadsheet and the last 3 days things have been fairly normal again. "Normal" being that I still have some nerve pain and things I learned to live with, but a bunch of the acute symptoms went away again. Bizarre. And my anxiety went waaaayyyy down.

 

So scary, though. I have to be more mindful of how I deal with my work, I think.

[[mo...]]

How’s everyone doing now? I hit .020 today and after several days full of waves today was a good full of windows day. I’m curious what the next few days and weeks will look like. 20 more days to go.  I am amazed I’ve so far pulled off working during this whole thing. I know I’m not nearly out of the dog house yet but nice to feel a glimpse of my old self. Hope everyone is hanging in there.

[[Gw...]]

I had to resign. Thankfully, I am able to stay home for several months to recover and find something new. So tired of careers that burn me out...it's part of why I started taking Valium in the first place.

 

[[mo...]]

I’m so sorry Gwinna. Use this time to take care of yourself. You’ll be stronger when you head back to work.

[[St...]]

Has anyone approached working for accommodations for work? I just had a job interview and it went terribly. I'm wondering if there's a value in working with a doctor to get an official diagnosis I could use when applying for work.

[[va...]]

I found this thread and it's nice to see that there are some people out there who have to keep working in spite of the withdrawals. That is my case and I feel strange when I see many people who quit their job in order to be able to get off of the benzo.  I struggle with the intrusive thought that "there, as you see, fully functioning and holding a job and raising a teenager is not doable". Then I come here to this thread and I see some people are managing to do that. My job is quite comfortable as I teach English at home, about five or six classes a day, as a second language. When I have very bad anxiety (which is lately very often), I'm listening to my students and it's hard for me to just say something that makes sense and not to jump off the chair due to how jittery I am. Still, I manage to answer something logical and get up and put some grammar on the WB. I do it on autopilot because apart from the anxiety I have DP and DR. I live in a fog, I work from the fog. I look at my students and wonder if they don't notice anything weird and this stresses me. Or when I make mistakes that my normal me wouldn't have made, I have no option but to continue working but there's a voice inside saying "you can't possibly do this another day". This has created problems with my taper because due to tapering too fast y crashed a month ago with what I think must be acute wd because I'd never experienced such mental torture before. This led to very bad decisions on my side like rescue doses (far too many) and finally updosing (I should've done that in the first place). If I didn't have to work and be a parent I could've held in the first updose, but things weren't getting better, I was still not functional, and my brain wasn't even able to make a bank transfer. I finally updosed to 2.50 and I'll be holding to see if it works. Please no negative comments on kindling. I know that already and it's very triggering for me. I understand the people here who've had to quit their jobs, or those who are trying to find a job that is more "benzo withdrawal friendly". Mine in fact is, as working at home is fine, no commuting. However the teaching demands to be completely focused on the student and they're looking at my every gesture so there's a lot of stress generated by the fact of trying to act "normal" (while in your head you know you're crazy), plus the stress of wondering if you'll forget basic things, or if you'll sleep more than one -  two hours before tomorrow when you have five classes. Some days I cancel a class or two. Feeling bad about this because it's not in my character, but wd is not in my character either. I also raise my teenage kid alone. She's very good and understanding but I'd like to be better for her. That's why I have no chance but to take this taper extra slowly from here. I hope everyone finds a way to juggle work and taper successfully and survive in the process.

[[ca...]]

I found this thread and it's nice to see that there are some people out there who have to keep working in spite of the withdrawals. That is my case and I feel strange when I see many people who quit their job in order to be able to get off of the benzo.  I struggle with the intrusive thought that "there, as you see, fully functioning and holding a job and raising a teenager is not doable". Then I come here to this thread and I see some people are managing to do that. My job is quite comfortable as I teach English at home, about five or six classes a day, as a second language. When I have very bad anxiety (which is lately very often), I'm listening to my students and it's hard for me to just say something that makes sense and not to jump off the chair due to how jittery I am. Still, I manage to answer something logical and get up and put some grammar on the WB. I do it on autopilot because apart from the anxiety I have DP and DR. I live in a fog, I work from the fog. I look at my students and wonder if they don't notice anything weird and this stresses me. Or when I make mistakes that my normal me wouldn't have made, I have no option but to continue working but there's a voice inside saying "you can't possibly do this another day". This has created problems with my taper because due to tapering too fast y crashed a month ago with what I think must be acute wd because I'd never experienced such mental torture before. This led to very bad decisions on my side like rescue doses (far too many) and finally updosing (I should've done that in the first place). If I didn't have to work and be a parent I could've held in the first updose, but things weren't getting better, I was still not functional, and my brain wasn't even able to make a bank transfer. I finally updosed to 2.50 and I'll be holding to see if it works. Please no negative comments on kindling. I know that already and it's very triggering for me. I understand the people here who've had to quit their jobs, or those who are trying to find a job that is more "benzo withdrawal friendly". Mine in fact is, as working at home is fine, no commuting. However the teaching demands to be completely focused on the student and they're looking at my every gesture so there's a lot of stress generated by the fact of trying to act "normal" (while in your head you know you're crazy), plus the stress of wondering if you'll forget basic things, or if you'll sleep more than one -  two hours before tomorrow when you have five classes. Some days I cancel a class or two. Feeling bad about this because it's not in my character, but wd is not in my character either. I also raise my teenage kid alone. She's very good and understanding but I'd like to be better for her. That's why I have no chance but to take this taper extra slowly from here. I hope everyone finds a way to juggle work and taper successfully and survive in the process.

 

Good read. I think everyone  that works is experiencing the same as you because I know for certain I do.  I have worked my entire taper and wonder how I would  make it another day. I have a family so I have no choice, maybe others do.  About one year ago I applied for intermittent FMLA so I could miss a few days here and there and not count against me. Now that I have finished my taper I still have sxs and trying to work through them as best as possible. Thanks for sharing your experience.