Healed after 12 years!

[[Mr...]]

Hello Terry,

 

When my psychological symptoms reemerged they knocked me on my ass hard, very hard!  but you just gotta keep getting back up until you fall no more.

 

My symptoms came and went in such an erratic way that it can be very hard for me to tell when a particularly nasty one finally went. I can honestly tell you and everybody here that my timeframe will not help you. You  'ALL' most certainly will recover faster than I did!

 

It took me a very long time to get well, but I did. I am not an exceptional person. I am no braver than you or anybody else in this forum. I was scared, very scared as a matter of fact, but I listened to the people who went before me and they assured me that I would get well. I'm now telling you Terry, and everybody else with these concerns 'YOU WILL GET WELL TOO!'

 

Don't think timline, think recovery!

 

                                       

                                        Kind regards,

                                                     

                                                                Mr B.

[[Te...]]

Thank you very much for that, Mr. B!!! I needed what you said so much and have to keep reminding myself that I will get better, and someday this is all going to be over with!!!

[[Mr...]]

Hey stronger,

 

My vertigo,  dizziness,  and a feeling of falling,  to my best recollection fizzled out  after only a few years; see how different we all are?  In the beginning these things were some of my worst symptoms, but they went away and morphed into other things that were just as bad if not worse. My nerve pain on the other hand stuck around a lot longer. I delt with very bad burning skin and strange otherworldly internal sensations up until 10 years when my good windows started and I could finally taste my upcoming recovery.

 

As I allways have said: This will probably happen much sooner for you!

 

 

                                                                                                      Kind regards,

 

                                                                                                                        Mr B.

 

[[Py...]]

Holy shit haven't seen a story like this ever haha. Good to see. I've been off fover 5 years and still have lingering symptoms. Hopefully I will be 100% better someday

[[fi...]]

Mr. B, thank you for posting your success story.  What an example of perseverance and encouragement.  So glad you're doing well.

 

(By the way, how long were you on Benzos initially?)

[[Be...]]

Mr. B.

 

I was just wondering if you had emotional flatness or numb emotions while you were going though this. I'm scared that they won't come back and that I have damage. I haven't had any windows of normal. I'm glad you recovered it gives up hope.

[[Mr...]]

Thanks guys!

 

Betterment: The emotional flatness that I felt was just tragic. I felt like I had died and forgot to stop breathing. Everything seemed grey and I felt no emotions but horror and sadness. My father-n-law had died during this period and I felt nothing for him or my wife and children who were grieving tremendously. Oddly enough I did feel bad for not feeling bad if you can understand that one?

 

I too thought that I would never feel normal emotions again and that I was somehow damaged beyond repair. I was always told by everybody that good things are coming and to just give it a little more time and I would get myself back. They were all right; I'm back!!

 

You are not damaged and you will get all your good emotions back, just give it a little more time.

 

 

fishingguy: Took ativan for about 5 years.

 

 

                                                              Kind regards,

                                   

                                                                                  Mr B.

 

[[Ro...]]

Mr B, you are an incredible man! I had been following this for a couple days and you are an inspiration to people who are so far off they have all but given up. It's plain and simple. Sure, you may scare a few people, but the simple fact of the matter is those who are going to need the most reassurance are those that will take many years to heal and I think that those are the ones your story will inspire the most. And, you deserve all the credit in the world for enduring what you did. It is truly amazing what you survived. I'm 49 months off myself and I am not sure I will heal completely, but to know you are doing incredible makes me believe that one day I may be completely healthy again, which is inspiring. I, myself, have been in withdrawal after withdrawal for a decade, and am so kindled I just don't know if it's possible, but like you I have an incredible will. You have not ignored people like me, and there are plenty of us. Thanks for being you, Mr B! And congrats on your amazing endurance and will to keep going even though it seems virtually impossible. Never be afraid to post because you are 12 years healed!

 

Enjoy your life!!! You earned it!

[[He...]]

What was your last symptom?

 

As I said to you, I feel me healed but with thought patterns from acute. I dont have the anxiety and everything that came with these thoughts, but I have them, they are so boring and take my focus.

 

And I feel that when this pattern comes, headache too. And then the pattern eventually stops but my head looks like tired, and is hard to think clarly as normal.

[[Be...]]

Mr. B thank you for responding to me I can cry but can't feel the sadness and when I'm around people I feel like I'm acting because I can't feel anything. All I can feel is my teeth which is really weird I'm having such a rough time trying to make it through. Thank you for your kind words. Ive lost so much because of this and I'm struggling everyday. I can't feel bad about anything which is really distressing but i know I would think that I was wrong if I couldn't feel anything about a funeral or something. I went to my friends funeral and couldn't feel anything so I kind of know what you are talking about. I'm going to try to hold out hope that one day things will be better and I really appreciate that you shared your story so I still have some hope. I'm glad you feel better now.

[[Wi...]]

I'm coming up on 12 years benzo free. On may 5, 2005 I was cold turkeyed in the hospital. It was the most horrific and unforeseen event in my life and it has changed me as a human being forever. Slowly, very slowly over 1-5 benzo free years my symptoms waxed and waned until at 5 years benzo free my life was about 80% of what I was pre-benzo. Life was good but not great for a few months. The unrelenting horror, mental anguish and general displeasure for life had abated but the physical symptoms were still alive and well... just milder and I expected them to all abate as well as time marched on.

 

  At almost 6 years benzo free the flood gates reopened again and I was cast back into what I would call acute benzo withdrawal! It was just as bad as the beginning if not worse... as a matter of fact a lot worse! All the progress I made was suddenly gone and I was left a 40 year old man with a wife and two kids, a beautiful home crying on the floor with no hope for a future. It nearly broke me as a human being and I was ready to give up.

 

  Luckily I had tremendous support from the person I had been with my whole life...My loving wife. She knew me since high school and knew that this was not the man she married. Luckily she believed in me because I didn't and at 6 years I didn't think recovery was possible. I thought I had permanent brain damage from the ativan and I would never recover.

 

  My wife got busy and contacted many people on my behalf.  Una Corbett, Barry Haslam, Baylissa Frederick (Bliss), and even to professor Ashton herself! They 'ALL' said to my amazement 'HE WILL RECOVER' and 'THIS SOMETIMES HAPPENS'. She even made an account here to talk to people on my behalf (I was too unwell to post then). I'm Mr. B by the way!

 

  The symptoms were very hard up until 11 years benzo free and right now at almost 12 years benzo free my life is brilliant!!!  I can see the light again and feel love, joy, and happiness. I'm 47 years old and have a new lease on life and you will too. Please people believe in recovery...BELIEVE!!!

 

  It happens for 'EVERYBODY' given time and staying off  benzos and 'ALL' chemical crap!

 

  Mr. B

 

 

I want this kill myself because of this post!!! Thx!!!!

 

Hope

I can definitely understand why this post would scare you shitless. You gotta remember that the OP is an anomoly and not the norm. Also-the OP had a high dose five year habit that he cold turkeyed. There is simply no way that you-after a months use are going to xperience anything close to what this person has experienced. You arent even in the same hemisphere. But at the same time i hope you are figuring out a reasonable tapering schedule which will enable you to get clean with the least amount of suffering. Youre to fn young to get caught up into a life filled with the benzo nightmare and its good you have "caught it" when you did. Are you still experiencing withdrawal at the dose you are currently taking? Wishing you the best.

[[hs...]]

If it takes 12 years, kill me now.

 

 

Honestly i believe it could take as long as 12 years

.....i know how im feeling now and how i have felt during my earlier wd days.....but really im just happy hearing that eventually it will come to an end for EVERYONE.

[[Mr...]]

Thanks guys, thank you Robbed, you are all very welcome!

 

 

Hello Healthfirst,

 

I really didn't have a  "LAST" symptom, I had groups of symptoms that came and went up until the very end. The last few years my windows were very good and my waves were getting very mild and manageable.

 

Also keep in mind that just because my recovery unfolded one way doesn't mean that yours will be the same. I have yet to speak to anybody that went down the exact same road as I did. We all have our own personalized bullshit to deal with when going through this mess.

 

A little more time buddie, you'll get there!

 

                                                              Kind regards,

 

                                                                                  Mr B.

 

 

 

[[Mr...]]

Hang in there hsj999 you will heal, and it may be sooner than you think!

[[Wi...]]

On the other end of the spectrum i just read a post from kbdo1961 who cold turkeyed 6mg of Kpin after 7 years use and he said he was healed at ten months. Hes 3 years out now and doing great. You cant read worst case scenarios and assume thats gonna be you.

[[hs...]]

Hello Rubiks,

 

Thank you and everybody for the well wishes! 

 

I ate sugar now and then, and drank 1-2 cups of coffee a day and noticed no discernible spike in any of my symptoms. My symptoms had a mind of their own and I never could see any type of pattern. I also had no known vitamin deficiencies and was told to simply eat a healthy diet and that should provide me with what I needed nutritionally.

 

Early on in my withdrawal I blamed almost everything for my spikes in my symptoms. Looking back I think it was a combination of a misfiring brain and the need to believe that I was somehow in control of what was happening to me.

 

Also when I got sick I got deadly sick. Simple colds were like the flu x10 for me. This thing really messes with every aspect of human life, don't it?

 

 

 

 

Hello naam,

 

13+ years is a tuff road my friend. I can really sympathize with what your going through. Just keep in mind that the more you fight this and fear the symptoms the worse they become. Also understand that benzo damage reverses in time and it took me an awful long time to feel well again.                                       

 

Send me a PM if you would like, and I'II see what I can help you with.

 

 

 

Kind Regards,

 

                    Mr B.

 

Mr B...i am very grateful for your post...i want to ask you a question...do you believe that if you took other non benzos like antipsychotics...your brain will still heal....?

[[HO...]]

I would like to start off by saying thank you to everyone for all the kind constructive comments; they really mean alot to me!

 

HOPE02: I can really understand what you are going through and I take no offense at all to your earlier comment; really I don't. I just really hope you don't mean what you said; that is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and I'm sure everyone here had those thoughts at one time or another.

 

When I wrote my story I knew I ran the risk of frightening some people and it was a decision that I did not take lightly. None the less I wrote it and I'm very proud with what I have done here. With that being said... You really have to be careful on what you choose to read at this point. When I came off ativan I couldn't even watch the evening news without having a very similar reaction to yours. Everything frightened me at that point and I had to became a master at choosing what I pay attention to... and the things that I just ignore. This life skill was given to me by this horrible condition (benzo withdrawal) and it serves me well even now.

 

 

Nothing or nobody fazes me after this.

 

 

In a way you are very lucky; in that you figured out early on that these pills are poisen. It took me 5 years of escalating doses and thinking that I was slipping into insanity and my wife finally finding the Ashton manual to get to where you are already at...

 

 

Rejoice!!!  How lucky you are!!!

 

 

I was not so lucky and I survived and you will too, and it will make you a much better version of yourself. You will  'NOT' take as long as I have. Just distract and stay away from reading negative things about this experience. Everyone is different and this could be gone for you tomorrow!  Really it could!!!

 

 

 

Windwalker: 6mg of ativan for 5 years buddie.

 

                                                                  Kind Regards,

                                                                                 

                                                                                          Mr B.

 

 

This was the kindest response  and most reassuring thing I have heard from anybody on benzo buddies and in my life. It's so wrong that we all have to go through this. I'm sorry you suffered so long. I can imagine the way I'm suffering now suffering this way for years upon years, but if that's my faint that's ok, because like you said I will be stronger in the end just like you. Thank you so much! Enjoy your freedom!

[[Mr...]]

Hello hsj999,

 

When I cold turkeyed in the hospital They put me on many medications to help me with my discomfort. A few weeks later when I came home, I came home poly-drugged to the gills on just about anything that they thought would help me; nothing helped... I was on seroquel and many other things for a few months, until my wife found the ashton manual and I stopped everything immediately!

 

When my wife reached out for help, she told everyone she talked to in the beginning that I was poly-drugged. Everybody said that "most people are and not to worry" and that the brain will heal itself in time when homeostasis is achieved.

 

So to answer your question...YES!!!  your brain is no different than mine and my brain healed and so will yours. Do not worry about the time it will take, just worry about today.

 

 

One day a time and let the future take care of itself.

 

 

                                                                Kind regards,

 

                                                                                    Mr B.

 

[[Mr...]]

HOPE02: You are very welcome!!!

 

Look forward to your future, because you have a bright one ahead of you!

[[pr...]]

Mr. B,

 

i am having a rough time lately here at the 5 year mark and feeling like this is permanent and like i won't ever heal and like

RobbedbyBenzos have completely kindled although my nightmare and affair with benzo's is a lot longer, try about 35 years with that 7 year break from benzo's. i am going to try to get in touch with Baylissa soon as i always feel the need to talk to her when i am so despondent like this but i also thought i would let you know how i am feeling. it's so bad that i haven't even been able to really be on here very much lately and i am one of the ones who has been on here literally every single night for the last 5 years. if you see how many posts i have, i think i have the most. anyway, it's pretty bad lately and i just wish it was better since it is 5 years. i keep telling myself "all i did was get off these drugs"... that's all i did. boy was that a mistake, well the way i did one cold turkey after another was a mistake. i just feel like this is permanent.

 

thanks, Pretty

[[Po...]]

Thank you for your post. Thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate it very much. It is very inspirational and helpful. I am glad you are recovered. Best wishes.

[[Mr...]]

Thank you PomegranateRabbit and everybody else for all the kind words and well wishes. Be patient and endure, and you will all see this through!

 

 

pretty: This is not permanent!  Not one person my wife or myself talked to in all my years of being sick said the word permanent; They all said recovery! Prof. Ashton herself told me in a letter that I would recover; and that was when I was 8 years off the benzos. All Ashton knew about me was the little bit my wife told her in a letter. I trust what Ashton told me 100%; she is the expert.

 

 

I took this right from the Ashton manual and I think it sums it up for all of us here...

 

"One reassuring finding from many clinical studies is that eventual success in withdrawal is not affected by duration of use, dosage or type of benzodiazepine, rate of withdrawal, severity of symptoms, psychiatric diagnosis, or previous attempts at withdrawal. Thus from almost any starting point, the motivated long-term user can proceed in good heart."

 

 

Hang in there, you can do this!

 

                                              Mr B.

 

[[hs...]]

Hello hsj999,

 

When I cold turkeyed in the hospital They put me on many medications to help me with my discomfort. A few weeks later when I came home, I came home poly-drugged to the gills on just about anything that they thought would help me; nothing helped... I was on seroquel and many other things for a few months, until my wife found the ashton manual and I stopped everything immediately!

 

When my wife reached out for help, she told everyone she talked to in the beginning that I was poly-drugged. Everybody said that "most people are and not to worry" and that the brain will heal itself in time when homeostasis is achieved.

 

So to answer your question...YES!!!  your brain is no different than mine and my brain healed and so will yours. Do not worry about the time it will take, just worry about today.

 

 

One day a time and let the future take care of itself.

 

 

                                                                Kind regards,

 

                                                                                    Mr B.

 

You know...it always feels like there is a screw missing in my brain...for example i an feeling veryy sleepy but cannot sleep bc my heart is beating so fast.....i am guessing that this is bc the glutamate?.level is too hig...but  eventually it will reach homeostatis and i will be normal again..?..thanks mr b

.you are so helpful and making everyone feel better

[[pr...]]

pretty: This is not permanent!  Not one person my wife or myself talked to in all my years of being sick said the word permanent; They all said recovery! Prof. Ashton herself told me in a letter that I would recover; and that was when I was 8 years off the benzos. All Ashton knew about me was the little bit my wife told her in a letter. I trust what Ashton told me 100%; she is the expert.

 

 

thanks Mr. B!

 

the first time i ever spoke to Una Corbett, the first thing she said to me was "you will recover" so i keep those words ringing in my head in her cute little British accent but you know, it's five years already and i still am so non functional. just still too disabled. can't do much of anything at all yet. it's just a bummer. and my mother is getting tired of waiting. she said the other night "i've been waiting and waiting year after year after year. she also had to help me when i was in tolerance withdrawal when i was trying to taper from the klonopin -- so this is about 17 years now with this second time i went on the benzo's. this doesn't even count the first time i was on benzo's and had gotten off. so all in all it's about 35 years and she is still waiting for me to get better.

 

and she also went through this herself because she was on xanax but she crossed over to valium and did a slow micro taper and stayed fully functional the whole time. she was never without symptoms and she still has a few symptoms here and there, but nothing like what happened to me. and she is tired of waiting and she is almost an octogenarian. any words of comfort that you can give to her? she actually does come on here once in awhile. her named on here is lukewinter.

 

thanks Mr. B!

 

[[Be...]]

I'm coming up on 12 years benzo free. On may 5, 2005 I was cold turkeyed in the hospital. It was the most horrific and unforeseen event in my life and it has changed me as a human being forever. Slowly, very slowly over 1-5 benzo free years my symptoms waxed and waned until at 5 years benzo free my life was about 80% of what I was pre-benzo. Life was good but not great for a few months. The unrelenting horror, mental anguish and general displeasure for life had abated but the physical symptoms were still alive and well... just milder and I expected them to all abate as well as time marched on.

 

  At almost 6 years benzo free the flood gates reopened again and I was cast back into what I would call acute benzo withdrawal! It was just as bad as the beginning if not worse... as a matter of fact a lot worse! All the progress I made was suddenly gone and I was left a 40 year old man with a wife and two kids, a beautiful home crying on the floor with no hope for a future. It nearly broke me as a human being and I was ready to give up.

 

  Luckily I had tremendous support from the person I had been with my whole life...My loving wife. She knew me since high school and knew that this was not the man she married. Luckily she believed in me because I didn't and at 6 years I didn't think recovery was possible. I thought I had permanent brain damage from the ativan and I would never recover.

 

  My wife got busy and contacted many people on my behalf.  Una Corbett, Barry Haslam, Baylissa Frederick (Bliss), and even to professor Ashton herself! They 'ALL' said to my amazement 'HE WILL RECOVER' and 'THIS SOMETIMES HAPPENS'. She even made an account here to talk to people on my behalf (I was too unwell to post then). I'm Mr. B by the way!

 

  The symptoms were very hard up until 11 years benzo free and right now at almost 12 years benzo free my life is brilliant!!!  I can see the light again and feel love, joy, and happiness. I'm 47 years old and have a new lease on life and you will too. Please people believe in recovery...BELIEVE!!!

 

  It happens for 'EVERYBODY' given time and staying off  benzos and 'ALL' chemical crap!

 

  Mr. B

 

It could be Alcohol if you're drinking that set you back all this time.