Healed after 12 years!

[[ku...]]

very great story. i also had a nervous breakdown and it led to depression and anhedonia. i just have some questions and i will be happy if you can answer

1 my anhedonia is very bad. i don't feel strong love or other positive emotions.for example,  i know deep inside me, i love my parents more than anything but I can't feel it. its like my brain put a barrier to the emotions.this is very scary. I want to recover from this very much. i cant cry, it's like I can't focus on emotions. did u have the same for %100?

2 i also have absolutely no libido. nothing turns me on and i feel completely asexual. its like im missing the spark. no morning and spontaneous erections. did u have these nonstop?

3 my vision is blurry especially when i look at my phone too long it's very bad.

4 i cant relax my mind. the moment i open my eyes from sleep some mornings I feel extreme anxiety. this is my main stressor. ive non stop anxiety with no reason. my all and main anxiety is about all from "my brain is damaged, i wont ever recover." its like obsession and im thinking about my condition 7/24.

 

5 I've strange weird sensation on my forehead its like between my eyes just an inch above of my eyes. its like numb or something likr that.  like there is sticker on my forehead 7/24.

6.i always feel cold. cold hands extremely cold feet. i can't sweat like i used to. 

(I also had three windows. my all symptoms subsided and I felt %100. all windows was very short just 1 day. two of my windows happened when i went to asia from Brazil. its like my circadian rhythm restarted. other windows when i had a virus ). thank u for help. i hope the best for u and your family. unfortunately noone is supporting me but i hope you can help with me.

[[Mr...]]

Hello kurukunkuru,

 

 

First off I must say hang in there, this is a temporary problem, and In time you will be yourself again and love life.

 

I had anhedonia 100% of the time in the beginning of this mess. As time passed it faded away and my true self emerged better than ever. Libido would fall into this category as well, and I have no lasting effects from this. I love life again and my libido is back with a vengeance! I'm making up for the lost time and you will too.

 

My vision was so poor at times that I would go and get a new prescription, and a few weeks later the new glasses didn't help me anymore. So I would go back to the old ones and I would see perfect again?  Crazy stuff indeed.. but now my vision is back to normal and so will yours, in good time my friend.

 

The anxiety over my brain being damaged and not recovering was like an obsession for me as well, and I too thought about it 24/7 in the beginning of this mess. I couldn't relax my mind neither, but as time moved on I got better and better at distraction and I could escape my mind for a time, and it kept me moving forward to recovery.

 

Don't listen to the negative thoughts about not recovering, disregard them as the benzo bullshit that they are!  This is a temporary syndrome and thinking you will not recover is just symptom that will pass in time and you will be just fine. Find ways to distract from the thoughts and keep working at it. It wont take the symptoms away, but it will make your time much easier.

 

The fact that you are having the windows is FANTASTIC!  I was told by Prof. Ashton in a letter that  "the windows are a sign that the brain can work normally and it will continue to do so more and more"  Hold on to that statement because it applies to you and everyone else who is suffering here. We all get better given time.

 

I lost everything and everybody except for my loving wife and my two kids. I feel honored that they stuck by my side. Many here are not so lucky and have no support at all; so you are not alone in this respect and you and everybody else here has my deepest sympathies. When you recover, you will rebuild a better life for yourself, as everybody here will.

 

 

                    Hang in there, you can do this!

 

                                                                    Mr B.

 

[[He...]]

Thank you so much for coming back to share with us.  I have been rereading your responses for weeks now as so much of it resonates with me.  I have two boys ages 12 and 15.  I am divorced so I don't have that support but do have a good support system nonetheless.  The fear and anxiety are my absolute worst symptoms!!  And after 5 years of this I am struggling to keep going so your story, although a long timeline, provides me with some hope.

 

Thank you again and I hope to some day follow in your footsteps.

 

All the best,

Karen

[[ku...]]

what is the main symptom u suffered what makes ur life hell? is it anhedonia? or not feeling happiness love or joy? just the anxiety? what did u suffered from the most? what is the main culprit that u suffered for?

[[Mr...]]

Karen: You are very welcome and I'm glad I could help a bit. Just keep going, and you'll reach the finish line in time.

 

I'm just getting reacquainted with my two adult children myself, who I missed out on just about everything in their lives as my wife raised them practically alone. We have a girl 22 and boy 21, and It's one of the greatest gifts I have ever received  (a second chance). I am now making up for all the lost time and life is good again. I now appreciate life in ways that I didn't know were possible before.

 

This awful experience has changed me for the better, and I never thought I would say something like this when I was in the worst of it.

 

 

 

kurukunkuru: I feel for you friend, I really do. You have my deepest sympathies for suffering with this, but understand that there will be an end to what you are experiencing, and it might be very soon.

 

Knowing all the details of what I went through can not help you. As a matter of fact, it will only make matters worse. The best thing you can do is try and distract from what is happening to you. Anything that you can do to take your mind off your symptoms (even for a bit) can help. I understand how hard distraction can be at times but you got to keep working at it, and eventually you will get very good at escaping your mind.

 

 

    Hang in there everybody,

 

                                        Mr B.

 

[[He...]]

Thank you so much for your reply Mr. B.  It breaks my heart how much I've missed out on with my boys.  I am grateful that I've somehow managed to be there for them emotionally and that we have remained so close.  But almost all activities outside of the house with the exception of very short outings, and the occasional school event, I've missed them all.  It helps to hear that you feel you have a second chance now and that you appreciate it so very much.  I know I sure will!!  I would give anything just to be able to get in my car and take my boys for a hike.  Can't wait!!!

 

All my best,

Karen

[[pa...]]

Mr. B, I think I mentioned this before, but thank you again for coming back to share your story.  I am a little over four years out and I could use all the hope that I can get.  I do have one question for you.

 

Did you drink alcohol regularly or semi-regularly during your healing process?  How many times each year did you have a drink?

 

Thank you,

 

PFG

[[Mr...]]

Hello PFG,

 

No, I did not drink regularly or even semi-regularly. I was really out of it a lot of the time, and the last thing on my mind was drinking alcohol. In the years I struggled with this insanity, I probably only drank a total of 1-2 times. I believe I could drink anything again now but..  I'm too intrigued with this thing called normalcy and I think I'll enjoy it for quite a while to come.

 

 

          Kind regards all,

 

                                  Mr. B.

[[pa...]]

Mr. B,

 

Thank you for your quick response, and sorry to kind of put you on the spot with that question.  I'm so happy you reached normalcy after all your years of struggling.  That's so freaking awesome, man.  Wow, I'm so happy for you.  What a precious thing normlacy is.

 

[[...]]

I joined BB about 5 weeks ago.  I had to stop logging on because mostly what I read was about long recoveries with little success stories.  It scared me to death. I was on Lexapro and Ambien for 16 years, and Ativan for about 7 yrs.  I was getting sicker and sicker and didn't know why.  I thought I had cancer, MS, fibro, and on and on.  I finally came across the Ashton Manuel on Easter night.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  Tolerance withdrawal was what was wrong with me.  While I knew I was needing more and more Ativan and Ambien, I didn't realize how sick it was making me.  I had muscle and joint pain, horribly fatigued, weight gain, bloating, and increasingly more depressed.  I would run out of Ativan so I would take Ambien, and then when I would run out of ambien I would take ativan.  This went on for years.  I knew immediately, I had to stop the meds.  I weaned quickly from Lexapro and Ambien (about 2 weeks).  I continued to take Ativan for about 4 weeks at 1 to 1/2 pills (1 mg) daily.  My usual was 4-6 mgs a day.  I tapered very fast but was so sick of being sick.  But once I knew what was wrong with me, nothing was going to stop me from doing it.  Withdrawals couldn't be any worse from what I was already experiencing.  My withdrawals were rough...vertigo, tingling/burning skin, insomnia, lightheadedness, severe bloating, etc.  My last pill was on May 23, 2017.  I never dreamed I would feel this good so fast.  Now, I still have lightheadedness, bloatiness, and fatigue.  But overall, these symptoms are better.  And getting better and better.  I am just now logging on again because I am confident I am almost through this living hell.  But let me tell you....tapering was nowhere near the hell those meds were putting me through.  I get physically ill just thinking about the names of those meds.  I used to drink socially but I had stopped that months ago.  I now know I can't drink again because I read that drinking acts on the brain like benzos do.  I will not jeopardize my recovery.  I'm confused as to why people are having symptoms after years of being off benzos.  I sure hope that doesn't happen to me.  I am a single mom with a special needs son (who is awesome) by the way.  So if I can do it, anyone can.  I am so glad you are benzo free!!  I'm sorry this is so long, and maybe this shouldn't have been a reply but more of a general entry.  The most important part of my recovery...Jesus.

[[He...]]

can you relate with headaches, feeling the head blocked in the sense that it looks like your thoughts dont come normally? Can you relate it with the end of your WD?

 

Im asking because this is my last symptom. My obsessions are slowing down, but I feel this. Sometimes, I feel my thinking process is 100%, but only sometimes... most of the time is this. It is not cog fog, it is different

[[Mr...]]

Yes, yes!  Oddly enough, I fully understand what you are explaining. These  "symptoms"  are so hard to explain, because they are so far removed from the typical normal human experiences that all people have; we are a rare bunch indeed.

 

I had headaches and my head felt like a block of cement most of the time. Also, I had a lot of sinus problems and even up until the end I had odd thoughts that made absolutely no sense at all to me. Just ignore it!!  ignore it as the meaningless, senseless, worthless, benzo bullshit that it is!!

 

All these things have since resolved for me after a very long struggle... and that is why I confidently say  "we all heal in time".

 

 

                      Kind regards,

 

                                        Mr B.

 

 

[[He...]]

Yes, yes!  Oddly enough, I fully understand what you are explaining. These  "symptoms"  are so hard to explain, because they are so far removed from the typical normal human experiences that all people have; we are a rare bunch indeed.

 

I had headaches and my head felt like a block of cement most of the time. Also, I had a lot of sinus problems and even up until the end I had odd thoughts that made absolutely no sense at all to me. Just ignore it!!  ignore it as the meaningless, senseless, worthless, benzo bullshit that it is!!

 

All these things have since resolved for me after a very long struggle... and that is why I confidently say  "we all heal in time".

 

 

                      Kind regards,

 

                                        Mr B.

 

thank you!

 

in one month, I think i done progress with obsessions! I hope will be fully healed

 

I also still have thoughts that make no sense for me. For exame, now while Im writting this, I had the thought "why are you looking to the post button". This is not me. I dont control my thoughts. This is weird  But im getting better, some months ago I think all my thoughts were weird.

 

This is me, but my thoughts dont match myself

 

thank you

[[Ro...]]

Were you getting full body acid burn. It's making me nuts. Also the extreme amplified hearing which isn't too bad except for my own voice. 51 months off 2 days ago. I'm a mass of physical radiating burn, pain and pressure. Did you have all this?

[[bl...]]

Yes! The acid burn is a good way to describe it. My nerves are talking to me and sometimes screaming at me. My central nervous system was dampened for so long and as it wakes up it is VERY confused. I'm sensitive to sound and light. I'm not sure my endorphins are firing properly because my body is systemically in pain all throughout the day. Ive had the painful belly issues. I've been off klonopin for 3 months now. Each day is a new challenge and yet I'm recognizing things in my life for the first time in soooo long. I feel like I'm coming out of a sleep walking state. When I explained the withdrawal to a health care worker they asked me if I wouldn't rather be on the klonopin. I apparently looked at them with surprise to the extent that she was a little apologetic. I told her I'm coming back to life and can not give this up. That's three months out. I only know this is the adventure of and for my life.

[[Mr...]]

Hello Robb,

 

Yes, I had what felt like acid flowing through my muscles with a severe weak feeling with pressure in every inch of my body that drove me insane. It also felt like my skin was burning... and I mean BURNING!!  All my senses were heightened to very cruel insane levels.

 

As everyone here will say:  this is normal.. and when you recover these things will fade away as they did for me. So just hang in there, find a good distraction and know that relief is on the way. The other side is wonderful, and you will get there when it's your time friend.

 

 

Kind regards,

 

                    Mr B.

 

 

[[ku...]]

hi mr b. can you please explain your anhedonia and emotional bluntness. like did u always felt not feeling strong emotions during this period? can you say emotional numbness is a major withdrawal symptom or it wasn't there all the time? i also have a strange pressure feeling in my middle of my forehead. its %80 of tlmes there. did u had that too and if u had how long did it take to resolve

[[Mr...]]

Hello kurukunkuru,

 

 

This whole mess is so very hard to explain. The anhedonia and emotional bluntness like other symptoms would come and go for me. But here is the thing: When one group of particularly nasty symptoms would ease up, another group would rise up and take over. You have to accept that for now...

 

 

You just have to learn to cope with these symptoms.

 

 

Also accept the fact that there is an end to this, and you will enjoy life again, and that could be very soon. Hang in there friend.. if I could do this.. everybody here can. I was never a very strong person, but this experience has made me the strongest man I know.

 

 

          Kind regards,

 

                            Mr B.

 

 

[[Ro...]]

I can only imagine your flesh ached in this? Like right to the bone and fluctuating?

 

What is happening to my flesh cannot be described, but it is very intense and it is often right to the bone. My hands are so sensitive. Shins get so painful. The pains in the hump of my back. Clamping pain and tightness in my jaw, neck, head back are ridiculous. All of it fluctuates endlessly. Even the winky hurts lol. I keep rubbing my forearms to see how they feel, and the rubbing stings and burns even on the best of days, but it also gets so deep into the flesh and it literally feels like I am dying from the ache. Occasionally it gets into my organs as well and it feels like my kidneys are rotting. I never go to the doctor because I know almost certainly these are withdrawal effects and I'm pretty much to incapacitated mentally to get myself there.

[[He...]]

Mr B, after sometie since my last pot here, the things I asked you improved a lot.

 

I still dealing with some mental and physical exaustion, and a head which is not the head I knew yet.

 

Did you relate with inner dialogs and ways of thinking that you that that are not what were suposed to be, but they happen? It weird and I feel that is not myself. I just dont know how to stop them. But it is improving.

 

Im also experiencing the feeling that your head doesnt poduce thoughts sometimes, but this should be cog fog.

 

This looks brain damage and forever, but most of things also seemed and are gone...

 

how are you enjoying life?

 

 

 

[[Mr...]]

Hello Healthfirst,

 

 

Yes, I had inner dialogs that were strange and sometimes very disturbing. I also had looping songs and loud noises that drove me crazy at times. I never experienced any of these things before benzos or since my own recovery, and my life is wonderful again.

 

Don't try and stop the symptoms, you will just make them worse. Try and just go with them and accept them as an important part of the recovery process. Understand that they are just temporary and your own recovery may be just around the corner.

 

So just hang in there at all costs because I am really enjoying my new life and you will too.

 

 

Kind regards,

 

                    Mr B.

 

[[Pe...]]

At 9 years off, I still have this really bad most of the time. The only time it stops is when I'm distracted and very busy, or when I'm asleep. Starts as soon as I wake. Sometimes tough to believe it's a symptom.

[[He...]]

At 9 years off, I still have this really bad most of the time. The only time it stops is when I'm distracted and very busy, or when I'm asleep. Starts as soon as I wake. Sometimes tough to believe it's a symptom.

 

You mean the inner dialogs?

[[Ro...]]

Did you have nerve pain and pressure in your head rotating, vibrating body, skin frying, holy terror for skin that aches in a way that cannot possibly be described as flu like. Inability to keep busy for days on end. In and out of sleep waking worse. Acid burning through your torso and flesh in every way imaginable? This stuff just never ends nor ceases to stop changing. 6th day of absolute torture here at almost 53 months off. I cannot see well, hear well. All my sense are distorted and on and on. Sound familiar?

[[an...]]

Mr. B -

 

Did you take any supplements or diet or do anything that helped you during all that time in WD? Or did you ride every symptom out everyday for 12 years?