Healed after 12 years!

[[Mr...]]

You're very welcome Terry;  You are all very welcome!

 

All I can say is I had it bad, very bad for a very long time, and getting to the other side is nothing short of the greatest thing I have ever accomplished or experienced in my life.

 

Life takes on new meaning and every new day is better than the last. The relief I feel cannot be put to words. I'm not saying this to brag, but I'm saying this to prepare all you long timers for what is coming.

 

 

 

Thank you Healthfirst, thanks alot!

 

I had existential obsessions that were insane. I pondered on things about God, life, meaning of life, afterlife, etc..etc.. and searched for answers for years and years. It was crazy making stuff. I also had OCD thoughts about everything and anything, but I usually obsessed about the people I hurt in life, people who hurt me, and the wrong choices I made growing up. These were all things that I grew from and got over but... they came back to haunt me in my weakened state of mind.

 

I have since moved on from these issues, but at the time they were unstoppable.

 

 

          kind regards,

 

                              Mr B.

 

 

[[fl...]]

Thank you Mr .B.

I took benzo for 20 years .Iam almost 5 years free and thightness in my solar plexus and chest is bigger and bigger.I feel hopeless.

Thank you for this post .It gave me hope.

How long did you take benzo Mr.B. and what was helpfull for you?

flavio

[[He...]]

You're very welcome Terry;  You are all very welcome!

 

All I can say is I had it bad, very bad for a very long time, and getting to the other side is nothing short of the greatest thing I have ever accomplished or experienced in my life.

 

Life takes on new meaning and every new day is better than the last. The relief I feel cannot be put to words. I'm not saying this to brag, but I'm saying this to prepare all you long timers for what is coming.

 

 

 

Thank you Healthfirst, thanks alot!

 

I had existential obsessions that were insane. I pondered on things about God, life, meaning of life, afterlife, etc..etc.. and searched for answers for years and years. It was crazy making stuff. I also had OCD thoughts about everything and anything, but I usually obsessed about the people I hurt in life, people who hurt me, and the wrong choices I made growing up. These were all things that I grew from and got over but... they came back to haunt me in my weakened state of mind.

 

I have since moved on from these issues, but at the time they were unstoppable.

 

 

          kind regards,

 

                              Mr B.

 

 

thank you Mr B.

 

How long were your obcessions? did you experienced them during all your WD?

 

Im asking because I feel me healed with the exception of obcessions. They are better, but I still have a background noise with existential and harm obcessions. If I get out of this, Im healed

 

[[Se...]]

Hello Mr. B

 

I just want to add my voice to the chorus of thank you posts. Thank you for coming back to share your recovery story and for sticking around to answer questions.

 

I'm currently in the worst wave I've had in a long time, after being drug free for 4 years. I found a link to your story posted on the protracted board. I'm so glad I followed it and  read through this thread. You have restored my hope again, which so easily gets dashed when waves hit.

 

All my questions have already been answered in this thread. So I will just wish you all the best for the future, for you and your wife, you deserve peace and happiness after what you have endured for so long, and it sounds like this is exactly what recovery brings to all of us eventually.

 

Thank you

SB 

[[Mr...]]

Hello to everybody suffering out there, thank you all for the kind words and wishes. Please hang in there at all costs because life is wonderful on the other side!

 

 

  I am truly at peace.

 

 

  Flavio:  I took ativan for about 5 years and reached a dose of 6mg daily, because of a doctor who didn't understand a thing about the devastating effect this class of drugs can have on "some" of us. Looking  back I was in real trouble only after a few months of taking them. My anxiety and depression were very bad to begin with, but ativan turned me into somebody with a severe mental disorder and I rapidly withdrew from my life and into the mental healthcare system.

 

One helpful thing I had learned over the years is that if I was going to beat this, I was going to have to get out of my mind, even if for a bit.  I worked hard at distraction, very hard and it became my new best friend. There were lots of times when I could not distract, but my wife would keep pushing me, and I kept working hard at it.

 

 

Healthfirst:  My obsessions would come and go. I would have them for a time, and then without warning they would be replaced with another cruel mind game to solve. They came and went up until the end, but they were also getting milder every time they would return. Today all the sad, scary, disgusting, troubling, and unbelievable things that I obsessed over and couldn't get out of my mind are gone and I fear them no longer!

 

 

SeraBear:  You're very welcome as are all here, and thank you very much for the kind wishes! 

 

[[pr...]]

I had existential obsessions that were insane. I pondered on things about God, life, meaning of life, afterlife, etc..etc.. and searched for answers for years and years. It was crazy making stuff. I also had OCD thoughts about everything and anything, but I usually obsessed about the people I hurt in life, people who hurt me, and the wrong choices I made growing up. These were all things that I grew from and got over but... they came back to haunt me in my weakened state of mind.

 

 

thanks for writing about this Mr. B... at five years out i still suffer horribly from all of these OCD thoughts, meaning of life, afterlife, all that has happened in my life and every single thing i've ever gone through i was affected by the benzo's since i had been on the since i was 15 years old. basically i've been in some kind of withdrawal for 35 years now. i don't know what it is like to feel normal and good and i long to feel that way -- and i long to have normal thoughts instead of living in this existential other worldly plane of existence of utter hell. there's absolutely no joy in any of my thoughts or anything about my life still. i go over and over all that i did wrong and all that i don't have because of what benzo's did to me.

 

may i ask at what point did all these thoughts stop haunting you? i feel haunted and i am still having the horrible hypnagogic hallucinations between the hours of 2-4am. i am haunted by these beings and hallucinations. how could i have good thoughts when i am haunted by hallucinations?

 

[[Pe...]]

Good to know the mental benzo garbage leaves for good one day. Distraction is what works and has worked best for me as well, also mindfulness and meditation. Being able to separate one's true self from this crap helps make it more tolerable, easier said than done but it does help. I try not to buy in to any of it, just watch the thoughts as an observer, recognize them for what they really are. You find ways to survive it, let more time pass.

Thanks again Mr B.

[[Mr...]]

Hello pretty,

 

  I too forgot what it was like to feel normal and happy, and I could only ponder who I truly was. I desperately searched for the answer to these questions, and although they eluded me for many, many years...I found that a much better version of myself was just waiting to emerge, and that this hellish experience itself is what enriched my perception of my life today. Try to not look at what you don't have because of this nightmare, think of the wonderful life that is waiting for you when this bullshit ends!

 

 

"If you're going through hell, keep going. Winston Churchill"

 

 

The thoughts I had and the way I felt are best described as an acid trip from hell. No reason, no rhyme, no meaning,  just misfiring neurons in a temporally compromised brain. I had the crazy thoughts on and off up until the end  (although not as intense). At around 10 years I knew that my recovery was right around the corner and although I was still sick, I felt very hopefull, for my true self was slowly reemerging at that time.

 

When I had the hallucinations, they were horrific. I never had anything even minutely close to that ever happen to me before or since then. I tell you and everyone else that has this crummy symptom, that you have my up most sympathy and to just hang in there and in time it will pass.

 

Pedro has some very good advice on coping with this bullshit! doesn't it seem like the ones that have been around the longest always have the best advice!

 

Thank you very much Pedro!

 

 

 

              Kind Regards all,

 

                                            Mr B.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[pr...]]

I try not to buy in to any of it, just watch the thoughts as an observer, recognize them for what they really are.

 

 

 

i have now become acutely aware of what thoughts are from the mis-firing of neuron's and i as the ultimate observer just observes all of this now. and yes the hallucinations between those hours of 2-4am that are still happening are horrific. i had another one last night and i don't even think i could tell a therapist or psychiatrist what these gremlins were doing to me sexually. and while they were doing that there were all these little dwarf people like The Wizard of Oz dancing in like this ballroom kind of dance place. it was truly bizarre. it's like being stuck in this other dimension that is unbelievable. quite colorful and if it didn't seem to scary could be quite fun except for the sexual assaults.

[[fl...]]

Thank you Mr.B.

flavio

[[HO...]]

I'm coming up on 12 years benzo free. On may 5, 2005 I was cold turkeyed in the hospital. It was the most horrific and unforeseen event in my life and it has changed me as a human being forever. Slowly, very slowly over 1-5 benzo free years my symptoms waxed and waned until at 5 years benzo free my life was about 80% of what I was pre-benzo. Life was good but not great for a few months. The unrelenting horror, mental anguish and general displeasure for life had abated but the physical symptoms were still alive and well... just milder and I expected them to all abate as well as time marched on.

 

  At almost 6 years benzo free the flood gates reopened again and I was cast back into what I would call acute benzo withdrawal! It was just as bad as the beginning if not worse... as a matter of fact a lot worse! All the progress I made was suddenly gone and I was left a 40 year old man with a wife and two kids, a beautiful home crying on the floor with no hope for a future. It nearly broke me as a human being and I was ready to give up.

 

  Luckily I had tremendous support from the person I had been with my whole life...My loving wife. She knew me since high school and knew that this was not the man she married. Luckily she believed in me because I didn't and at 6 years I didn't think recovery was possible. I thought I had permanent brain damage from the ativan and I would never recover.

 

  My wife got busy and contacted many people on my behalf.  Una Corbett, Barry Haslam, Baylissa Frederick (Bliss), and even to professor Ashton herself! They 'ALL' said to my amazement 'HE WILL RECOVER' and 'THIS SOMETIMES HAPPENS'. She even made an account here to talk to people on my behalf (I was too unwell to post then). I'm Mr. B by the way!

 

  The symptoms were very hard up until 11 years benzo free and right now at almost 12 years benzo free my life is brilliant!!!  I can see the light again and feel love, joy, and happiness. I'm 47 years old and have a new lease on life and you will too. Please people believe in recovery...BELIEVE!!!

 

  It happens for 'EVERYBODY' given time and staying off  benzos and 'ALL' chemical crap!

 

  Mr. B

 

 

I want this kill myself because of this post!!! Thx!!!!

[[...]]

 

I want this kill myself because of this post!!! Thx!!!!

 

Aww, Hope, remember, this is just *ONE* person's story ... and a very unusual one at that.  With only the written word and lack of detail, we can never know the full history of Mr B.'s experience.  Be like me, and take it with a grain of salt.    Just look after yourself, okay.

 

Mr. B., are you able to create a signature, I think everyone would appreciate that.  Thanks.

 

 

[Guest [mu...]]

I want this kill myself because of this post!!! Thx!!!!

 

I get where you're coming from, but you have to understand that some of us have been sick for a very, very long time, and we too need hope that we will eventually heal. BB isn't just for those who are tapering or newly benzo free, and some protracted folks may decide that they DON'T want to kill themselves because of this post.

 

I am very grateful for your story, Mr. B. Thank you so much for sharing it.

 

[[Fi...]]

I, too, am grateful for Mr. B's story and find it inspirational.  ABCD, to say that you take the story "with a grain of salt" is snide and insulting to somebody who took the trouble to come back here and offer hope for long-termers.

[[st...]]

I agree with the two previous posters!  I am VERY thankful to Mr. B for his post and it upsets and frustrates me when I see lots of new timers always saying these sorts of things.  It's the very reason why I don't post on this site anymore and get my support mostly from Facebook.  It's not helpful to anyone including themselves to post comments like that.  This is a journey....a long one for some....and if people really feel like they are going to do harm to themselves then they need to get help instead of posting comments like that on this website or others.  I am in the worst wave at the 6 year off mark than I have ever experienced but with that being said I am now coming out of it and doing much better when months ago I was considering meds again but this post in particular gave me tremendous hope and I will be forever thankful for it.  Nothing makes me angrier than going to post for support on here and then someone that is newly off saying derogatory things like that or "there must be something else wrong with you to be this far off and still suffering", etc.  These are untruths and there are many other people on FB that are still fighting and far out but living a life the best they can without these toxic poisons and yes!  It does take a very long time for some to heal but I have seen such progress that I know in time it will all heal eventually and it's not fair to discourage others that feel the same.  I think this is why the long timers don't come back that often to share their success stories.  Stay positive people or just hold your tongue!

[[ro...]]

I agree with the two previous posters!  I am VERY thankful to Mr. B for his post and it upsets and frustrates me when I see lots of new timers always saying these sorts of things.  It's the very reason why I don't post on this site anymore and get my support mostly from Facebook.  It's not helpful to anyone including themselves to post comments like that.  This is a journey....a long one for some....and if people really feel like they are going to do harm to themselves then they need to get help instead of posting comments like that on this website or others.  I am in the worst wave at the 6 year off mark than I have ever experienced but with that being said I am now coming out of it and doing much better when months ago I was considering meds again but this post in particular gave me tremendous hope and I will be forever thankful for it.  Nothing makes me angrier than going to post for support on here and then someone that is newly off saying derogatory things like that or "there must be something else wrong with you to be this far off and still suffering", etc.  These are untruths and there are many other people on FB that are still fighting and far out but living a life the best they can without these toxic poisons and yes!  It does take a very long time for some to heal but I have seen such progress that I know in time it will all heal eventually and it's not fair to discourage others that feel the same.  I think this is why the long timers don't come back that often to share their success stories.  Stay positive people or just hold your tongue!

My thoughts exactly. I don't post here anymore too often either, what's the use huh? I don't go into FB groups either for support, all I read there is complaining. Don't need that. Success stories and my Bible is what I look into. I too find this particular success story very helpful and gives me more hope. Any time I go into a wave I come in here and read THIS thread. I know deep in my soul that at 3.5 years off and still in hell, there can't be an underlying condition. I was NEVER like this before benzos came along. Thank you, thank you, thank you again for coming in here to give us hope Mr. B. Although it can take a very long time to recover, at least we have another long time story to reach out to for hope. Hell is real and you let us know there's an exit given in time.

[[Te...]]

HOPE02, why did you read it then? It says right at the outset that it was 12 years. Don't read these posts. We who have been here longer appreciate this post. They give us the courage, strength, fortitude and perseverance to go on!!! There are PLENTY of posts where you'll see success stories 1,2 years out. WE NEED POSTS LIKE THIS. There aren't many people who come back to BB, and it's refreshing to finally see someone a long time in the benzo crap healed and give endless help. THANK YOU, MR. B!!!

[[Wh...]]

HOPE02, why did you read it then? It says right at the outset that it was 12 years. Don't read these posts. We who have been here longer appreciate this post. They give us the courage, strength, fortitude and perseverance to go on!!! There are PLENTY of posts where you'll see success stories 1,2 years out. WE NEED POSTS LIKE THIS. There aren't many people who come back to BB, and it's refreshing to finally see someone a long time in the benzo crap healed and give endless help. THANK YOU, MR. B!!!

 

Thank you for this post Terry.    What a terrible situation for Hope02 and for those of us still dealing with the drug damage after such a long time.  Attacking each other is not the way to go, neither with suicidal statements nor snide, insulting comments.  The drug is the enemy, not each other.

 

Mr. B. ... please don't let this post by Hope02 cause you any regret about posting your success story.  It may cause some hopeless feelings for some but it also causes hopeful feeling for others like myself.  You are a beacon of light to me and many others.  What a terrible situation this is where needs for comfort and reassurance clearly contradict each other.  So sad.

[[Wi...]]

What benzo and what amount and for how long were you on it? Just curiois.

[[HO...]]

I want this kill myself because of this post!!! Thx!!!!

 

I get where you're coming from, but you have to understand that some of us have been sick for a very, very long time, and we too need hope that we will eventually heal. BB isn't just for those who are tapering or newly benzo free, and some protracted folks may decide that they DON'T want to kill themselves because of this post.

 

I am very grateful for your story, Mr. B. Thank you so much for sharing it.

 

Thanks for helping me understand.

[[HO...]]

I'm sorry I'm just really scared. I would like support from old timers too.

[[HO...]]

So what advise can you "oldtimers" give us. I respect everything you say.

[[Mr...]]

I would like to start off by saying thank you to everyone for all the kind constructive comments; they really mean alot to me!

 

HOPE02: I can really understand what you are going through and I take no offense at all to your earlier comment; really I don't. I just really hope you don't mean what you said; that is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and I'm sure everyone here had those thoughts at one time or another.

 

When I wrote my story I knew I ran the risk of frightening some people and it was a decision that I did not take lightly. None the less I wrote it and I'm very proud with what I have done here. With that being said... You really have to be careful on what you choose to read at this point. When I came off ativan I couldn't even watch the evening news without having a very similar reaction to yours. Everything frightened me at that point and I had to became a master at choosing what I pay attention to... and the things that I just ignore. This life skill was given to me by this horrible condition (benzo withdrawal) and it serves me well even now.

 

 

Nothing or nobody fazes me after this.

 

 

In a way you are very lucky; in that you figured out early on that these pills are poisen. It took me 5 years of escalating doses and thinking that I was slipping into insanity and my wife finally finding the Ashton manual to get to where you are already at...

 

 

Rejoice!!!  How lucky you are!!!

 

 

I was not so lucky and I survived and you will too, and it will make you a much better version of yourself. You will  'NOT' take as long as I have. Just distract and stay away from reading negative things about this experience. Everyone is different and this could be gone for you tomorrow!  Really it could!!!

 

 

 

Windwalker: 6mg of ativan for 5 years buddie.

 

                                                                  Kind Regards,

                                                                                 

                                                                                          Mr B.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[Te...]]

Mr. B, when did the anxiety start going away and when did it end? I've had it for so long now it seems permanent, and I'm pretty despondent about it. Thank you for being here! Does it really go away?

[[st...]]

Mr. B I only have a couple of questions and then I'll leave you to live your amazing new life.   I just wondered if you had the vertigo, dizziness, and bad nerve pain and vagus nerve issues?  These are my longest lasting symptoms that keep me from driving and exercising and living a normal life and I'm sure these will be the last to go for me but just wondered if you suffered from them and if or when they ever left you or did they just gradually improve?  These are my most plaguing symptoms and sometimes I wonder if they are permanent so it's nice to find people that had the same issues that eventually went on to heal.