Permanent Benzo Damage? This Is Not Fun

[[ca...]]

I understand Mikey, but its all just benzo w/d and it will all go away with time. I also see floaters and spots from the benzo w/d and I know with time they will go away. So try not to worry and stress, you will just rev up your symptoms and feel worse. Try to do things that calm you. For me sitting outside in the sun, or going for a small walk seems to help. Hang in there, things will get better.

[[lp...]]

Did you just start the Prozac that some your s/x could be from the AD....And wern't you on Remeron ans Seraquel as well....

[Guest [ke...]]

what would happen if i had a seizure and i am alone??????

 

You're not going to have a seizure..

you can "what if" a lot of things, 75% or more never happens.

Life is a "what if" it really is.

95% of seizures are not fatal.

I'm Epileptic, and can tell you..you tapered..

your seizure threshold is high.. to get through what you have.

The Klonopin should be out of your system by now.

You have a better chance of dieing from a airplane falling from the sky into your home, than a seizure killing you..

but ya don't have to worry about it, you are not going to have one.

Keryn.

 

 

[[zi...]]

Mikey,

 

When I was on antidepressants before and during my taper I couldn't feel them working.  Then I remembered reading about Ashton mentioning that it wouldn't be a good idea to discontinue an antidepressant.  Then after my taper I felt so bad, weird, fatigued, and depressed that I switched from Pritiq to Cymbalta, and then to Lexapro.  I just recently realized that these antidepressants were causing a lot of my symptoms.  For me anyways it seemed that because my Central Nervous System was so sensitive that it appeared the antidepressants starting working 180% although I was still soo depressed because I was still in withdrawal.  I got off the antidepressant and a lot of my bad symptoms passed, but it took me 6 months to realize that the antidepressants were making me worse.  And it isn't exactly easy to get off of them either.  As we become even more intolerable as humans beings, if you could imagine that.

 

In the swing of things I caught mono somehow, so I am dealing with that too which really sucks but I'm still dealing.  I am not going to lie and tell you I feel like a super fantastic individual, but I can tell you that it seems that Heather Ashton might have been wrong with her prognosis to stay on antidepressants after withdrawal.  I am not an expert and it is something for you to feel out for yourself.  I can pretty much remember that at about 3 weeks out from being benzo free is when I became hypersensitive to antidepressants.  It seems like a lot of other members (not all) have realized that antidepressants were causing more harm than good after being benzo free.  The other clue that told me that the antidepressants were working was I gained an extra 40 pounds in like a month.  It was pretty crazy and I think a lot of the weight gain was also water retention that was sparked from the mono and chronic fatigue.  Though to be honest I couldn't tell you if the weight gain was from the withdrawals or chronic fatigue.  But I do remember very well being able to eat literally 2 lbs of turkey for lunch and an entire pizza pie for dinner and still have a problem putting weight on.  I lost so much weight before and during my taper that I looked like I had an eating disorder, but that was all I did.  I just ate and ate and ate and never gained any weight, rather I just kept losing weight.

 

I don't really want to address the seizure issue, as you already know where I stand with talking about that because it is repetitive and isn't healthy.  However, all I can say is that it is very common to think you are going to have a seizure, as I went through it too and so did many other members.  I didn't have many people that would listen to my complaints and realized I was annoying a lot of people by crying wolf all the time so I just kept it to myself.  It eventually goes away and you start trying to fix the next symptom.

 

The floaters and sperm thingies that you are seeing are also normal.  I still get that here and there to this day.  Eventually you just learn to live with it until you just don't care anymore about it and then move onto the next symptom that is bothering you and the floaters go away on their own.  It seems that these issues really become bad when you give them the power to become bad.  You see Mikey, this is a very long and enduring process on everyone including yourself.  I don't know about you, but I have pretty much burnt everyone out in my life because they can't take it anymore.  I mean I personally have wanted to call it quits many times and that is the easy thing to do, although selfish.  So basically what happens is I have a mini breakdown about every 1 month, where I just hit the ground crying like a little 2 year old and then I get back up to fight another round.  This process will depress you, there is no doubt in my mind or anyone's.  It is just a known fact, the sad part is that we can't really take many medications that will help us as they all seem to make us worse.  So we then just go on to FEEL the pain, LEARN from the pain, DEAL with the pain, and LIVE life as we are expected to do until we HEAL.  Its a miserable existence and I can't pretend to tell you that its like living in the spot light on the MTV awards show - because you already know.  Though what I can tell you is that you were okay before benzos and you will be okay after benzos.  It may take 6 months to 2 years, but you will heal and be stronger because of it.  I mean if you can beat a chemically induced anxiety and depression that lasts for this long and I know you can because you have already been trying to figure this out for 2 years before realizing it was the benzos - Then you can do anything life throws at you.

 

So basically Mikey it is going to be a long, long, long process for you to heal and you will most likely get to know every organ in your body as they will all hurt - even your brain.  You will feel every emotion, type of anxiety and depression that has ever existed on the face of this planet.  You will see life from every view point imaginable.  And all of these experiences will make you a smarter, more appreciative, and stronger man that will allow you to become a better human being.  You're a good person Mikey so put your chin up and smile so you can appreciate what your future life will be like.

 

Ziggy

 

[[Gm...]]

what would happen if i had a seizure and i am alone??????

How many seizures have you had in the last 3 months? 50? 60? You tell me what would happen to you because i have read " Seizure" atleast 60 times here.

[[BY...]]

I think what Gman is alluding to, is maybe you're having a little OCD about seizures.

 

What do you think?

[[am...]]

what would happen if i had a seizure and i am alone??????

 

 

You most likely won't have a seizure,

 

I had one alone at home whilst I was laying in bed, 7 days after CTing lots of Ambien and xanax with alcohol chasers.  As difficult as it was it didn't last long and had no ill effects other than scaring me at the time.

[Guest [ke...]]

I think what Gman is alluding to, is maybe you're having a little OCD about seizures.

 

What do you think?

 

In w/d Seizure OCD is actually not that uncommon..I know what it's like to sit and worry about them.

It does no good though.

 

Mikey,

You're not going to have a seizure.

You are past that stage anyway.

 

Keryn.

[[Gm...]]

I think what Gman is alluding to, is maybe you're having a little OCD about seizures.

 

What do you think?

Correct.

Mikey, you need to come to terms with your self diagnostics and believe doctors. I don't know how to say this other then your probably scaring people on this forum who are already weak from WD. This burst of calling a seizure (for the 50th time) is hard to swallow, even by me who is in a strong mental state.

If you think your having a seizure go to er.

[[mi...]]

I understand Mikey, but its all just benzo w/d and it will all go away with time. I also see floaters and spots from the benzo w/d and I know with time they will go away. So try not to worry and stress, you will just rev up your symptoms and feel worse. Try to do things that calm you. For me sitting outside in the sun, or going for a small walk seems to help. Hang in there, things will get better.

 

 

i sit by the sun and i feel like falling down sitting that scared me feel i was getting a seizure

]

[Guest [ke...]]

I understand Mikey, but its all just benzo w/d and it will all go away with time. I also see floaters and spots from the benzo w/d and I know with time they will go away. So try not to worry and stress, you will just rev up your symptoms and feel worse. Try to do things that calm you. For me sitting outside in the sun, or going for a small walk seems to help. Hang in there, things will get better.

 

 

i sit by the sun and i feel like falling down sitting that scared me feel i was getting a seizure

]

 

The sun does that to me as well, not joking either, sensitivity to light.

And it feels like sky dive fall.

 

Keryn.

[[ca...]]

Sorry Mikey, some do get the sensitivity to light. I have the sensitivity to noise. It will not give you a seizure, it is just a w/d symptom. It will go away with time.

[[zi...]]

Yea I still have the sensitivity to the sun and have a really hard time being in direct sun light.  Strong indoor lights often make me feel like I am basking under a really powerful sun lamp.  This stuff is really bizarre.

 

Mikey:  Let's get off the seizure topic - very old indeed and you are scaring other members who are still tapering.  You need to start encouraging others around you, and you can't do that if you mention seizures in every post.  So knock it off already.

 

Ziggy

[[lp...]]

Mikey you had the tests done and you showed no abnormal brain ways which could indiacte a seizer.....I feel like that in the sun too and see spots it's normal....

hope you feel better soon

[[Kc...]]

Hi Mikey, Ive been following you're post for a while. I too get very bad light sensitivity, and see spots and have the sun problems too, going outside during the day is hell for me as everything looks so bright, and there's splotches and flashes of light in my vision,and floaters that seem to dance across the air. This is because my nervous system has been suppressed for so long and now my body has to learn how to deal with sensory information all over again, causing a host of problems.

You have to remember that its just withdralw, so many people have gone through this same thing and have come out the other side alive no matter how long it takes, it will be over one day, I hope sooner then not.

 

So buckle up buddy, this really is a rough process to go through, some say even harder then getting off heroin.

I'll be rooting for ya all the way and hope things become easier for you soon.

 

Kc Lee

[Guest [ke...]]

To note: The new energy saving bulbs do not help, they are strong!

These-

 

http://i255.photobucket.com/albums/hh126/uncleard08/Picture059.jpg

 

My roomy changed the ceiling fan bulbs to these kind and they are hard on the eyes..I don't suggest them.

 

Keryn.

[[mi...]]

Yea I still have the sensitivity to the sun and have a really hard time being in direct sun light.  Strong indoor lights often make me feel like I am basking under a really powerful sun lamp.  This stuff is really bizarre.

 

Mikey:  Let's get off the seizure topic - very old indeed and you are scaring other members who are still tapering.  You need to start encouraging others around you, and you can't do that if you mention seizures in every post.  So knock it off already.

 

Ziggy

 

 

ziggy sorry bud for saying seizures   i know people are tapering but i am scared i feel something coming seriously i am confused these  symptoms are crazy they come and go.... i having odd behavior cognitive changes behavior changes when looking on the computer screen i am very blurry and seeing halos... arm/legs are so weak. swallowing is hard... i feel a lump in my my throat  sperm like floaters i will knock it off already very very sorry...

[[zi...]]

I know how you are feeling Mikey.  I went through that stage too.  I felt dumber than a 2 year old, and I knew it but my mind wouldn't change.  Then I started coming out of it and my behavior changes everyday, and I can actually acknowledge it but am having a hard time attempting to get control over it.  Loss of CONTROL is one of the fundamental causes for OCD, and I know this too.  So then I attempt to let go of control and let things run their course.  Then I get sick of sitting around waiting, waiting, waiting so I then start taking control over my life again and get exhausted trying to fight every symptom that comes my way.  And thus the cycle repeats. 

 

Mikey I am about 6 months out and I'm not real happy with where I am, but I can tell you I am getting better because a lot of my cognitive abilities are returning and the stupid head pressure went away.  I'm still a bit gassy, and am still sensitive to light.  There is so much I want to do with my life and not being able to spend a long time in the sun or outside is really getting to me. Spermy floaters and sensitivity to light was a huge thing for me and I would actually start to sweat like crazy if a single light was on in the house.  I had to live in a cave, so to speak.  I want this so badly to be over with and hope and pray everyday that I will wake up and this will all be a bad dream.  Kind of like that movie with Keanu Reeves - Devil's Advocate.  His life fell apart because he made a deal with the devil (in our case - benzos) and then he repented and woke up with another chance.  Unfortunately life just isn't like the movies.

 

Anyways Mikey, I'm sorry to have been so tough on you and apologize if I upset you.  I just want to hear you talk about some other things besides a seizure.  I know what it feels like - believe me - we ALL do.  I can't tell you how many other diseases or disorder have come and gone through this process.

 

You see the benzos are now OUT of your system.  And as you know there is damage to the GABA receptors which are all over the freaking body.  These receptors all formed before we were actually born, so to feel them regrow and recalibrate every waking moment is NOT something we were ever meant to experience.  The GABA receptors will regrow and you will get better, though you have to keep chipping away at things.  You WILL fall and want to give up, but then you WILL get up and give it another FIGHT.  Only to FALL again, and get yourself up to FIGHT again.  This process is exhausting, both mentally and physically on you and the people that share your life with you.  I can't tell you how many times I have burnt myself out because I am just so sick of feeling like crud and no matter what I do I don't see a change.  The positive changes do happen, but they occur so slowly that its hard to notice unless you start writing down your journey.  I know I couldn't remember anything and for the most part had no idea what day it was.  So I carried around a pad in my back pocket so I could write things down.  People thought I was writing a book, and I just laughed inside because they had no idea what kind of mental torture I was going through. 

 

Hang in there and let's try to accentuate the positives in life.  There are still positives in life Mikey, but they get covered up because you are under a great deal of pain.  Look for them because I assure you they are there and be grateful for them or this process will beat the ever loving life out of you.  You'll make it man, and we all will.  Start planning what you want to do when you are healed.  I know for me I would love to join the Peace Corps and sell everything I own and move to Kenya.  We'll see, because it's pretty bright in Africa, so I am trying to build up my tolerance to bright lights!  And it's working!  Yey!

 

Ziggy

[[cu...]]

Hi MIkey,

 

I see that you are finally benzo free! How long have you been free? This is wonderful, don't look back, you will really heal now! Wear sunglasses everywhere if you must, this is what I did and my eyes are just fine now.

 

love

cupcake

[Guest [ke...]]

Mikey,

 

How are you?

 

Keryn.

[[mi...]]

Mikey,

 

How are you?

 

Keryn.

 

Hey Keryn Still Very Disoriented. Weakness In The Arms & Legs Sunday I Felt I was Going To Pass out From The Head Pushing Down To My Brain Seriously I Feel Something There. But No Doctor Can't Find A Thing. I Do Not Feel Any Chemicals What So Ever Like Vicoden I Had The Worst Headache Sunday That Vicoden Won't Help I Don't Know Where To Go I Am That LOST!!! NO CLEAR MIND I EAT SOMETHING SEVERE BLOATED...

EVERYTHING IS GOING WRONG... This worry i Have BT And Big C I Feel It..

[[zi...]]

Mikey,

 

Unfortunately nothing works until you start healing.  You will be sick to the stomach and get really bad headaches.  I too also felt so much pressure on my head that it was almost as if the gravity had increased 100 times.  It just felt like I had the weight of the world on my - not just my head but I entire body.

 

I would be very very careful taking Vicoden as it will not work, so the natural tendency is to take more.  This is also not a great idea if you have a history of addiction.  Even if you don't feel the Vicoden working it is still releasing dopamine into your brain.  Even if it is a small amount it will be enough for you to become addicted to it rather quickly. 

 

Benzo use and/or abuse is very similar to many other drugs including alcohol and opiates.  After prolonged use/ or abuse the brain becomes used to the extra supply of dopamine and will stop creating it on its own.  It will take a good 6 months to a full year for anyone who has been on benzos for a very long time or has used/ or abused drugs to fully restore the brain's natural process of making more dopamine.  Dopamine as you know is released to offset the amount of pain and pleasure that one experiences.  It is vital that you not put artificial dopamine into your brain, as your brain needs to learn how to create it on its own.  Until the brain relearns this process of supplying enough dopamine on its own you will unfortunately feel more pain than you normally would.  You will have to wait it out and feel the pain without another drug such as Vicoden.  Besides would you really want to create another addiction for yourself.  If you must be addicted to anything pick up running and start working out.  At least then you will begin to feel good inside and outside.

 

Ziggy

[[cu...]]

Mikey,

 

Did you jump at .25? This may be the reason your feeling so rotten. You also yo yo'ed your dose up and down for months, so you can expect to be feeling under the weather..it's just the cold hard facts of the situation. You DON'T have cancer or a brain tumor...you are healing from using benzos and any vocodin or any other pills are just a short cut, like the benzo and you may be making things worse on yourself.

 

I felt rotten for months after I tapered too fast, and it was because I tapered too fast...no cancer, no brain tumor, only benzo healing.

 

love

cupcake

[Guest [ke...]]

Mikey,

 

How are you?

 

Keryn.

 

Hey Keryn Still Very Disoriented. Weakness In The Arms & Legs Sunday I Felt I was Going To Pass out From The Head Pushing Down To My Brain Seriously I Feel Something There. But No Doctor Can't Find A Thing. I Do Not Feel Any Chemicals What So Ever Like Vicoden I Had The Worst Headache Sunday That Vicoden Won't Help I Don't Know Where To Go I Am That LOST!!! NO CLEAR MIND I EAT SOMETHING SEVERE BLOATED...

EVERYTHING IS GOING WRONG... This worry i Have BT And Big C I Feel It..

 

Mikey,

 

I've had those same symptoms, it's w/d.

The bloating I had today..this is hard to go through, you will make it.

But No Doctor Can't Find A Thing

That's a good thing.

It's w/d Mikey.

 

Keryn.

[[fr...]]

Hey Mikey,, Congrats on being benzo free. I know it don't seem like much now as you feel like crap. I was looking at when you quit.  Everyone is right you are feeling the worst of the process. I know I did too, I jumped back on the Kolonopin,, don't do it man.. I had to cause I needed to move.

You seemed to have went off of it in a really fast way. I wish I toughed it out back in April. I hate to say it but you are gonna feel bad for a while. BUT every story I read the people seem to start coming back to life at three months out. And better after 6 weeks off. I hope it goes like that for you.

NOT that I am suggesting this for you,, but I too was feeling so bad at 18 days out , I took a little (crumbs) of the Kolonopin at bed, it was amazing what a difference I felt the next day. My point is that it is just WD... NOT cancer.  I have lived with benzo head for over 14 yrs, no DR. could tell me what it was. BUT I have to say Kolonopin gives em the worse.. 

 

                                                                                                                                                        Hang in there man,, Chad