The December 2015-February 2016 Jump Club

[[pe...]]

Hey ang...

 

Good to hear from you.  I got rid of the sinus infection with lots of liquids, rest, and the good old neti pot.  I didn't have to go to a doctor!

 

I still struggle too mostly with the emotional, psychological stuff: despair, de-realization, de-personalization, but I am sleeping a bit better and the negative thoughts/ feeling seem less intense.

 

Boy, this has been a long process....  Are you back in school again?  Soon?  Hope you had a good summer.

 

Best

[[pe...]]

hey all?

 

Well, I am 30 months out as of today, and I am still in the throes of the mess.  Yes, I am "better" than a year ago, and that should give hope to others I guess.  I mean I am 72 years old and getting better, in any sense, is a good thing at this point in my life.  I can get through my days, but that's about all I can do.  Traveling or volunteering or going back to work--some of the things older people do upon retiring--are completely out of the question.  Can't do it..too much anxiety and fatigue.  Cant't write either or play the guitar anymore. I still sleep terribly (might be somewhat age related) and suffer morning dread, despair stuff.  Intrusive thoughts have however somewhat abated.  Maybe, I don't know.  The world is full of unpleasant thoughts and actions these days... In any case, I hope all my comrades on this awful journey are doing better (in whatever sense).

 

Best///

[[Ho...]]

Hey guys. I know it's been awhile and I have awful news. Not sure how much I hate told you guys about my mom. She has been in complete misery from these benzos for close to 5 years now. We had been tapering her over the last year and a half and every day was hell for her. She took her own life today. She couldn't take it no more. My heart is ripped apart. I hate to bring the bad news but had to reach out to folks that know just how sick these pills are. My son was born 3 weeks ago and came 5 weeks early. He didn't get to meet her. I'm heart broken. I hope you guys are doing your best.

[[pe...]]

My God, Hockey...

 

How awful.  I can't remember your having mention your mother before.  I had no idea that she was going through the benzo withdrawal misery.  It is a completely horrible experience.  I have to ask: how old was she.  Since I am an older person myself, and have days when I wonder how much longer I can take this.  But I am, of course, thinking of myself, not you.  Thinking of you, I cannot really imagine what you are experiencing.  It must be such a difficult time, having just had your son arrive.  And now this.  Please, hang in there, as best you can.  Breathe deeply and think of your wife and son.....

 

All my best, in hope...

[[Ho...]]

She was 57. This is awful.

[[pe...]]

Hockey...

 

I am sorry.  Yes, it is awful.  I am 72; people my age die every day.  But your mother was only 57.  From my perspective she was a young person.  I am so sorry.  Did she have any other health problems, aside from the dreadful benzos?  How is your wife taking this?  Do you have siblings?  When my brother died of brain cancer, I went to the local hospice for some grief counseling.  They did offer some useful advice and a willingness to listen.  You will need to talk.  These events will produce a storm of feelings in you, and talking will help you to ride them out.  Keep up your connections with others..

 

All the best in hope...

[[Ho...]]

Her case was the worst I've ever heard or read about in here. About 4 years ago they detoxed her off of 4mg of xanax to 1 mg of klonopin in 5 days. She was never the same since. She went through every withdrawal symptom. Psychosis akathisia OCD, she believed something was inside her causing everything and severe facial pain which is what ultimately killed her. They told her she was delusional. I really believed that God put me through my withdrawal to help her get through hers. She just couldn't take the pain in her face no more. I had helped her get from 2.5 mg of klonopin to .28 and that's when it all got really bad and couldn't get her to stabilize again. I worry maybe we went to fast and it caught up At the end. I told them to go back up to .4 or .5 or maybe higher just to get her leveled out. I did a lot of head butting with my dad and the doctors as you could imagine. I felt like At times no one would listen. I feel tremendous guilt right now for failing her. The birth of my son led all my attention to him and she slipped away. There is so much more to her story and I didn't talk about all this much because it hurt me to see her in so much pain.

[[pe...]]

Hockey...

 

You have gone through an awful four years with your mom, and all the while you were going through your own withdrawal.  What a terrible experience, and apparently it also led to conflict with your father.  And you have a strong sense of responsibility.  I can understand why you might feel guilt.  I can only say I wish you didn't have to feel it.  Because it seems to me that you were a loving and caring son for your mother...

 

Best...

[[bj...]]

Hey Pensi,

and all of you.

 

I'm still here. Barely.

Still in total emptiness. Broken down to a level down under.

I'll write more when rising up and participate in life again.

It is unbelievable that one can be put in a situation like this...

 

Hockeylife.

I read your terrible story now. I am so sorry for you and your family. It is more than terrible. 

[[Ho...]]

Thank you bjesti. It's been rough. I wish we would all get better. God bless!

[[pe...]]

hello, bjeste

 

Good to hear from you, but sorry the emptiness remains so profound.  And, on top of that, this experience seems so endless.  Things shift and it is as if the misery mutates into another awful form.  Thank you for communicating.

 

hockey, I think of you each morning these days, and hope you can find your way through and past your current situation.

 

Best to you both...

[[pe...]]

bjeste, unbelievable?  Did you say "unbelievable."  Yes, that's it.  If someone had tried to tell me that getting off a drug could be like this, that there could be in the realm of human experience, an experience like this I would not have believed them...

[[Ho...]]

Thank you Pens and I still don't believe somedays and just think of the doctors that still don't have a clue! Unreal man. I miss my mom. These pills took her.

[[pe...]]

hey hockey...

 

Just checking in.  Just saying hello.  Has it been less than two weeks since your mom passed away?  Seems much, much longer.  With her death and your new child you must feel emotionally overwhelmed at moments.  But just wait.  Things will clear up.

 

Best..

[[tr...]]

Hockey, I'm so sorry. Sending many hugs of strength.

 

Pensioner, I have not written for a long time, but I have no power, och I'm depressed. Everything feels so hopeless, and I can hardly take care of myself. I just want to be alone, and can't talk to anyone. Sorry, if I just complain.

 

How are you doing? You are always so kind, and understanding. I hope, from the bottom of my heart, that you have some better moments! 

[[pe...]]

hi, translator...

 

Yes, have not heard from you in a while.  Good to hear from you now.  I see that your husband passed away.  How long ago was that?  I can't imagine getting through this experience without my wife.  The isolation would be too profound.  And she cares for me.  That makes a huge difference.  You have more strength than you think...

 

Best...

[[tr...]]

Hi Pensioner! My husband died 3 years ago. His children made my life a hell, everything was about money. In the middle of all, CT number 2. Lawyers and trial. I could never mourn, everything was just too much. I think, that there is some form of PTSD. But I won, and now trying to come back. One hour, and one day, at a time.

 

How are you my friend?

[[pe...]]

hi, translator

 

I had a friend who went through a situation similar to yours.  When her husband died, his children by another marriage descended like vultures and made her life living hell.  It was all about money.  I don't know how you went through all that and this withdrawal business too.  I am having a bit of a rough time.  As you may note from my signature, I am still taking Prozac.  I tried to reduce that gradually, you know, and couldn't believe the backlash.  My whole system went haywire and I feel back in the middle of benzo hell.  I will wait it out though.  In the meantime, good hearing from you and I wish you the best....  Is it getting cold now in your part of the world....

 

hey, hockey, good to see that happy picture on FB of you and son out fishing.  That's a good thing to be doing...

[[pe...]]

hey all

 

Just an update.  33 months out now as of yesterday.  That's a long time and I am still doing poorly.  Horrible morning anxiety/terror (that drains me for the rest of the day), lots of muscle aches and tension, also dizziness and those miserable intrusive thoughts. Could be worse I suppose.  But that's small consolation.  Still I keep on truck'n and hope things will turn around.

 

I hope Hockey, Bjeste, Translator, Ang--that you guys keep getting better and better.

 

Oh, I have relatives right where Hurricane Florence is going....  Can't get away from anxiety I guess...

[[re...]]

 

Hi all,

 

Just wanted to poke my head in....

 

I'm doing well.. back to work.... volunteering..... exercising regularly.... back to life....

and I'm so grateful....

 

How is everyone doing?

[[pe...]]

hi reba:

 

Good to hear it.  Though I am envious.  I am still struggling, but there is no turning back...

 

I think this thread is wearing out.  Not much posting here anymore.

 

Some folks are better; others much the same.

 

In any case, congratulations!

 

It must be wonderful to wake with a clear head and heart...

[[bj...]]

Hey all, and Pensi.

 

Same with me. Hoping. Life is tough!!!

I will write when getting better.

[[pe...]]

hey bjeste

 

Good to hear from you even though you don't feel like saying much.  It is hard to say much when all you have say seems pretty negative, I guess.

 

And, hey, I just realized that I think I jumped 34 months ago.  Coming up on three years.  That's a long time.  Whatever this is that I am experiencing is not the same as it was 34 months ago, but it is still pretty awful.  Especially the "morning anxiety," though those words seem an inadequate description of a misery that runs my whole day.

 

But I continue to continue..

 

Best

[[pe...]]

Hi folks...

 

Think this may be the last time on post on this thread.  I am now 35 months out, one short of three years, and still very much struggling.  Sure things have changed, but mostly it seems I have adjusted to the ongoing misery.  I no longer fear it as much or attempt to resist it; instead my days are given over to dealing with it.  Lately, for example, I have taken to walking a lot, and that seems to help. But I do wish for something more than just dealing with the misery, although I am getting to know a lot of dogs in the neighborhood (what with all the walking).  My best to all, and may time bring repair.

[[Ho...]]

Just checking in. I hit 35 months yesterday. I been through a lot of shit in the last 3 months. Mom and little cousin both committed suicide. It's been rough. Benzos killed my mom. I have been doing ok. OCD is kinda acting up again. Just trying to hang in there. Hope you're all ok!