The December 2015-February 2016 Jump Club

[[an...]]

I wish you all the best 2018. We deserve a good year. The last 2 years have been hell.

 

Pens- I had good feelings 2 days ago. They felt real and genuine. I am grateful.

[[Er...]]

Happy new year everyone!  Let's hope for a great 2018 and continued healing!  I just hit my 2 year jump anniversary (1/1).

[[an...]]

Congratulations Eric! I’m right behind you in a few days!

[[Er...]]

Congratulations Eric! I’m right behind you in a few days!

 

Thank you! I see that you tapered off of your beta blocker back in July.  Which one were you on and what dosage?  How did the taper go?  I've been on 50mg of Motoprolol XR since my taper and would like to eventually get off of it but have read mixed reviews of getting off of the BB.

[[an...]]

Metoprolol 25mg this last time. (I was on 50mg twice a day for almost a decade) I split it in half for a week then half again for a week then off. No issues. I was on that med for almost 14 years. I had come off 1 other time for about a year while I was still tapering. Don’t listen to the horror stories. Get off when you feel like you are ready. I’m so glad I’m off everything! True freedom.

[[Er...]]

Metoprolol 25mg this last time. (I was on 50mg twice a day for almost a decade) I split it in half for a week then half again for a week then off. No issues. I was on that med for almost 14 years. I had come off 1 other time for about a year while I was still tapering. Don’t listen to the horror stories. Get off when you feel like you are ready. I’m so glad I’m off everything! True freedom.

 

Thanks Ang.

Glad you were able to get off of it uneventfully.  I use a pill organizer for mine to make sure I take them (i'm terrified of missing a dose) and last week for the first time I noticed that I had forgotten to take my Tuesday dose 24 hrs later when I went to take my Wednesday dose.  I had no idea and didn't feel any effects at all which made me hopeful for when the time comes.

[[an...]]

That’s how I felt when I tapered and went off it. Nothing happened! It’s nothing like benzos.

 

 

 

I just hit 2 years off. I posted this on FB earlier....

 

2 years off yesterday...

 

I was cold turkey after tapering too slowly. I was originally on 2mg Klonipin for 2 years then cold crossed over to 3mg Ativan. Dry cut 0.25 every 4-8 weeks. Took me like 4 years to get down to 1mg. (I was listening to a doctor).

 

Hit extreme tolerance and was cold turkey’d in a VA hospital after I had updosed to 1.5mg Ativan. Updosing made me worse and worse. DO NOT COLD TURKEY.

 

Improvements:

All inner restlessness, agitation, suicidal stuff GONE

Terror and high anxiety GONE

paresthesia in my face, numb spots in legs GONE

Agoraphobia GONE (sometimes reappears but mild)

Sharp pains in brain and eyes GONE

Psychosis, intense intrusive thoughts GONE

Insomnia GONE

 

so many others I don’t want to remember- also gone

 

Still here:

Mild anxiety (sometimes can be severe when it’s about my health)

Phobias

Depersonalization and derealization

Severe vision symptoms

Nerve pain in left elbow, right hip, right foot

Fatigue (mild)

Benzo belly

Heart palps maybe once a week

Exercise intolerance (I walk several miles a day but can’t weight lift right now)

No interest in tv, reading books, listening to music, or other things I used to love

Lack of confidence

Not the go getter, high achiever I used to be

 

However, I am mostly functional. I am able to laugh, travel and go to grad school. Don’t ask me how because I don’t even know how most of the time.

 

I live in the moment as much as possible unless I freak myself out.

I eat 90% clean diet, walk 3-4 miles a day, sit in the sun when I can, do not take supplements and keep my environment quiet and as stress free as possible.

 

I say “no” a lot and a good day is me not crying or focusing on symptoms.

I have had to FORCE myself, literally look down at my feet and tell them to walk, to make myself go to school because I don’t have family or children to keep my brain in reality. I was so close to losing complete touch with reality I felt that I had to l leave my house or I’d certainly be institutionalized.

 

The first 6 months was definitely the hardest but it can get harder this far out because I’m in reality a little more and just want my life back so badly.

 

I haven’t had any windows, just a slow steady crawl out of hell, sometimes only a 1% improvement per month.

 

I am confident I will heal, I just need more time. Thank you to everyone who supported me in these groups. I’d be dead without you.

[[Ho...]]

Congrats Ang!

[[pe...]]

Hey all:

 

Ang, thanks for the update.  Clearly you have made and continue to make progress (though the going can be tough).

 

Hey, Hockey, how are you.  And, Eric, thanks for checking in.

 

bjeste, what's up?

 

Me?  I am not so hot.  I live close to where those fires were in Santa Barbara, CA, and Monday night we had terrible floods.  15 people were killed, and I woke up this morning depressed.  There's no other word for it.  Depressed.  Aching with fatigue.  And these "situational" things, of course, interact with withdrawal and I feel as if things are spiraling out of control.  So, today, at this moment, I plan to do nothing but rest.  If I can do that, I mean, rest...

 

In the meantime, best to all and hang in there.

[[Ho...]]

I'm hanging in there. They had put me on this stuff called hydroxyzine for anxiety on a as needed basis. They told be it was like prescription strength benadryl. I've been taking it for 3 months and also tapering the lamictal. I was having bad OCD problems and bouts of aggressiveness and just thought it was from the lamictal taper. I finally figured out it was from the hydroxyzine and off course got off of it. It was complete hell again. I was only taking about 5 25mg pills a week as needed and that crap really screwed me up. The withdrawal was the same as booze or a Benzo. It's been almost 3 weeks and I'm finally starting to feel better. I read up on it and it turns out it affects serotonin. I was pissed that once again a doctor have me this kind of shit when I was told it was just like benadryl. So anyways, I'm glad I'm feeling better. Hope you all had a good new year. 2018 is our year. , . . .

 

Sorry to hear about all your mess pens. It's gotta get better. Hang in there.

[[an...]]

Hockey-I bet once you're off all the crap, the OCD will improve too. Doing all the coping things you learned while being off the meds I think is easier once off. For me, it was like the meds prevented me from healing from things like that.

 

Pens- your time is coming. I promise. Please hang in there. THis will not be for no reason. 

[[Ho...]]

Hockey-I bet once you're off all the crap, the OCD will improve too. Doing all the coping things you learned while being off the meds I think is easier once off. For me, it was like the meds prevented me from healing from things like that.

 

Pens- your time is coming. I promise. Please hang in there. THis will not be for no reason. 

 

Really hoping so. I was thinking the other day. 5 years ago or when I was 20 or how ever you wanna look at it, I didn't need all this crap. Can't wait to get off of it all.

[[pe...]]

Hey all...

 

Hockey, who knew there were so many damn drugs out there.  Best, I think, as Ang suggests, to get off of them.  That's hard of course, but maybe you can get back to where you were five years ago, and then, knowing what you know now, start over.

 

ang, thanks for the kind thoughts...

 

Things continue out of control in my neck of the woods.  Learned this morning that 18 people are missing as a result of recent floods.  Where I go to work out--that's all people could talk about.  So I am depressed.  At least I know that.  I have been depressed before.  I know it and don't have to freak out about it, and in a while, my system will get more back in balance...

 

Best to all and hang in there....

[[Ho...]]

Hey guys. I am having a hell of a time and just need to reach out and vent I guess. It's been almost a month since I stopped taking that hydroxyzine crap and I wasn't taking that much. There problems I'm having didn't start til I stopped it. It's hard for me to understand how it could still be affecting me. Can't find much info on it as far as withdrawal goes. Found a couple with people having a really hard time, but none of them said for how long. I also tested for low iron. They had me take iron pills, but those also made the OCD worse. I experimented with it to make sure and the iron makes it worse. If I don't take the iron, I'm shaky, weak, and can't focus. Here is an email I just my therapist. Probably won't do much good but I guess it will give you the awful of this OCD shit. Hope your all doing good

 

Good morning . Today I have something new, My OCD is mentally checking recent pure O struggles to see if they are still bugging me. And in return I become fearful that it will either bug me again or it will continue to check. It's non stop checking then when it goes away a bit, it will check again. It also agitates the crap out of me. It's like come on, we've already been through this, please don't start it again. Of course I just try to watch it and let it do it's thing. I've had a couple recently that have bugged me for a couple weeks and I'm sick of the themes. Not exactly sure what too do on this one. I hope it makes sense. It gets stuck and I can't focus at all. It feels kinda like it did during Benzo withdrawal. No matter what I do, it stays stuck and can't refocus. I can't get away from being stuck in between being present and being somewhere else. Maybe the low iron or maybe that hydroxyzine is still messing with me.

Thanks.

[[pe...]]

Hey Hockey!,

 

So sorry to hear this.  Though you should feel absolutely free to vent.  I am not OCD myself so I don't understand all you are going through.  I am not sure what this "checking" is about, but I do think I have felt this feeling of being stuck between being present and somewhere else.  Not quite sure what that means, but I think I have felt it and it really truly sucks.  As if you are split or there are two of me in the same body, or something like that.  Maybe that's what people mean by de-realization.  In any case, I am having a tough day myself not so much because of drug issues but because, as I have mentioned before, I live in Santa Barbara, CA, and this last month--what with fires and floods--has been just awful.  I feel overwhelmed; these problems are just too big for me.  I haven't been able to see my therapist for two weeks, since she cannot get into town (the freeway has been closed for nearly two weeks).  The situation does not feel stable and I don't feel stable.  But, hey, I have gotten this far, and I will continue to continue.    And you will too. Best to you, man. 

[[Ho...]]

Sorry about your situation pens. I wish there was something I could do to help. Hang in there buddy!

[[Ho...]]

If you go Google iron and seritonin, I think I figured out my issue. Been eating raisins and beef jerky and already feel better. CRAZY

[[pe...]]

Hey, hockey,

 

Glad to hear it.  Eat that jerky.  Sometimes, seemingly small things can make a big difference.

 

I didn't know about the iron serotonin connection.  Thanks.  My iron was OK at my last check up.

 

I am better today.  Had a decent sleep. You have a good day. 

 

Best to all.

[[Ho...]]

Got some iron pills that are easier on my stomach and I feel freaking great today. Unreal! It's funny how 2 doctors, my therapist, and my med doc couldn't make the connection. Dr Google helped me figure it out. Lol. Glad your better today! It's Friday!

[[an...]]

Hmm the “chemical imbalance” theory of mental illness is a myth so be careful believing things that reference that.

[[Ho...]]

Hmm the “chemical imbalance” theory of mental illness is a myth so be careful believing things that reference that.

 

Not sure what your talking about? I'm slow.

[[pe...]]

No, Hockey, you're not slow.  It's complicated.  I think Ang is suggesting that in talking about a link between iron and serotonin you and I may unconsciously embrace an idea that "mental issues" are the result of a "biochemical imbalance."  The idea that depression, for example, might be the result of a chemical imbalance is not supported by an evidence.  There are no biochemical tests for depression.  And the idea that depression is the result of a biochemical imbalance is just an idea that drug makers use to convince people to take their medications.  I mean it is complicated.  This link might help if you have the time to look at it.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/mental-illness-metaphor/201709/the-myth-the-chemical-imbalance

 

Hey, bjeste, how are you doing?

 

Best to all.

[[bj...]]

Hey Pensi!

 

I'm here. Not better. Passive and lonely. But next week we shall be in studio and make a CD. Don' want to, but have to!!! To survive. Never give up.

 

I have read all you have written the last weeks. Weather, fires etc. Hope things are better now.

 

I am not much of a writer. When I feel better, this also will come back.

We shall keep in touch!

 

[[an...]]

Pens nailed what I would have said.

[[pe...]]

Hey bjeste

 

Good to hear from you.  Making a CD, even if you don't want, is a great idea.  My brother and I made one (folk-rock sort of) after our parents died.  I was not in the mess I am now, but I was pretty messed up and the singing and the playing and the banging on a drum was a release and a distraction.  I hope--and I would bet--the same is true for you.  Let me know when the CD is made..  Boy it is hard feeling lonely, when you have--as I do--a loving and supportive wife.  But this withdrawal thing does that to you.  Best to you and we will keep in touch....

 

Hey, ang, glad I nailed it.  How is school going. You are doing well, I bet (though I bet too that it is hard going).