18 - 30 Month Plus Group

[[Co...]]

Miss Jen...I am doing good...I have had 3 straight days of a 90% baseline... aside from that I pretty much have had an 85% baseline for the lastv8-10 weeks...with some waves at least 2x a week, but those waves were for the most part manageable and short lived. I had a long bout of health fear sx on and off for the last 3 months.  Not every day...that had been a tough one for me all along.. but in a wide open window it is mostly gone..

  My stomach stuff has improved. The reflux is considerably better...I still get some upper belly pain, but I am pretty sure that is the sliding hernia and pt showed me some things I can do to nudge it back down when it slips up to where there is some kind of 'y' formation at the stomach...Lol...I have been exactly where you are with health fear caused from gi issues. I was convinced that I had pancreatic cancer, chirossus of the liver, peritonitis....and that was all out of my own imagination ...I don't go onto Google...yes, the fluid at the back of the throat, the searing upper belly pain ( right under the ' notch' in the front center ribs that radiated to the tight, the laryngitis,  and cough ...my gastrenteroligist told me laryngitis and asthma like coughing is reflux or GERD .. and can also by indicitive of gallbladder. I had all the tests except the scope.  Everything was OK except the 2 hernias and some esophageal spasm in. It started in June and tortured me all summer and then got better.  Then at Thanksgiving it came back...now it has been good again for the last month or do.

..oh, breathlessness can be part of it too.  how odd.  I don't know why. When I first got it I really thought I was dying because for awhile I couldn't talk and breathe at the same time.  The good news is.  ..the second bout was not as bad as the first one and I can eat more foods now, but I am still pretty careful. I have a followup next week and I am pretty confident that all is well. I control it the best I can with diet and don't take any meds for it. 

    I think you are c loser than you think....just remember this healing is not linear.  I think you are almost there.  Bevkind to yourself..  ....coop

[[Sk...]]

Just popping by to say that there are currently 21,430 members of this website. At any given time, there are about 300 members "active" (online, and posting), with another 300-400 offline and "inactive".

 

Let's just say, worst case scenario, that makes 700 posting "buddies". That's 3% of the entire member history that is still an active member of the forum.

 

And there are about 100-150 members a part of the Protracted site. (Mind you, being a "part" of the forum does not mean you are "protracted" nor unhealed, it just means you are a part of it. I am currently a part of it, and am only 14 months free.) Worst case, that is 0.7% of the entire member history.

 

I am just a simple gal and I may be mistaken (God knows I am imperfect), but I took a couple Statistics courses in college a few years back and I remember learning that 0.7% was not considered a "majority".

 

I'm being a bit fecicious, I know, but it is a bit unfair to make generalized references like "majority" or "minority" without actual factual evidence to back it up. Of the 21,430 members that have been a part of this forum (not counting guests), only 700 remain, and that's at most... I don't feel credible nor confident enough to decide for 20,720 people that they haven't "healed" enough yet. True, I don't know what their current status is. But do I really need to? They feel well enough to not be here anymore. It's where I'm at now. I SWORE that I would NEVER just someday drift away from this forum, unannounced and without writing a success story...but here I am, on my way out. I get it now; I get the "drift-away" phenomenon...because I'm living it currently. You just kinda get well enough to a point where you lose the time to spend hours on here anymore, because you're busy with life Is it "100% healed"? No, but it's 95-99%...what's wrong with that? So if the 20,720 drifted away because they were 95-99% healed...I guess I'm failing to see the negative in that. Some people get frustrated because they're not "exactly as they were before benzos"...but they forget that their lifestyle before benzos led them to benzo usage...so I fail to see the desire to return to that...

 

I will end with this: hurting people tend to hurt other people. Those that are a part of this forum who seem to hurt others the most, are they themselves hurting pretty awful. I saw it with one of my buddies on here...we were closest of friends during taper...and then towards the end of taper and 1st year off she got bitter and crude and mean...over and over she'd lash out at folks...but I knew the buddy "pre-tough times" and I knew she'd return. Low 'n behold, she's "back"

 

Have grace for those who are hurting, take light their words of pain, and enjoy your time in the trenches while you're there...for you will only pass this way but once in life, and I want to remember it happy

 

Love to you all,

 

Mrs.

 

Mrs, what a great and nice post.

 

There can never be enough sunshine, so that is why i am reposting it.

 

Today is my 27th month anniversary, 27 months since I cold turkeyed. It's been hard and it feels like yesterday.

 

Somehow, I am here and I have good moments and still, many bad ones, but the good ones are overriding the bad ones.

 

Can't post a complete update now, I have a lesson coming up shortly.

 

After 2 years, things get harder due to expectations and plain being fed up. But there has been constant improvement, you just have to know where to look.

 

Have a better day everyone.  :smitten:

[[...]]

Hi all,

 

Nice to see so much positivity from my buddies . My positive is that this morning the first thng I saw out of my window was a rainbow and it got brighter and brighter. I am trying to cling on to that as I cope with a fatigue day. I am at work and OMG i just want to go to sleep. I think the lack of sleep even though I slept better last night is having an impact. Strangely My pain which was intense yesterday is not too bad, I'm just very stiff. My brain feels like there is a chemical storm going on (racing thoughts) even though I'm completely knackered. I'm going to go for a walk on this bright and breezy day to see if it will help, it mostly does.

 

There is time for this to change as my evenings are generally better.

 

I agree again with you Sky that this gets harder because of expectations and being fed up. It is just so slow

 

Thank you Sofa for pointing out and reminding me what I AM achieving. I never recognize this in myself, only what I can’t do

[[St...]]

Hey Cooperten

 

Can i just ask re all your "stomach stuff" would you put most of it down to withdrawals or do you see it as something separate? Obviously your hernias are real, but just all in all i wondered how you viewed your stomach issues as a whole.

 

I'm at 14 months and have been experiencing a lot of stomach stuff since month 12, and i'm just not sure how i should be seeing and treating it. As well as reflux and nausea i just get this intermittent sharp pain on my right hand side in between my hip and my ribs. It seems to be worse the more exhausted and stressed i am.

 

My options at the moment are either just to treat it as withdrawal related and sit it out, or my doc wants to put me in for a colonoscopy and endoscopy even though the results of my blood and stool tests aren't alarming. I could just really do without having to go through the stress of a hospital procedure like that.

 

Appreciate your thoughts

 

Miss Jen...I am doing good...I have had 3 straight days of a 90% baseline... aside from that I pretty much have had an 85% baseline for the lastv8-10 weeks...with some waves at least 2x a week, but those waves were for the most part manageable and short lived. I had a long bout of health fear sx on and off for the last 3 months.  Not every day...that had been a tough one for me all along.. but in a wide open window it is mostly gone..

  My stomach stuff has improved. The reflux is considerably better...I still get some upper belly pain, but I am pretty sure that is the sliding hernia and pt showed me some things I can do to nudge it back down when it slips up to where there is some kind of 'y' formation at the stomach...Lol...I have been exactly where you are with health fear caused from gi issues. I was convinced that I had pancreatic cancer, chirossus of the liver, peritonitis....and that was all out of my own imagination ...I don't go onto Google...yes, the fluid at the back of the throat, the searing upper belly pain ( right under the ' notch' in the front center ribs that radiated to the tight, the laryngitis,  and cough ...my gastrenteroligist told me laryngitis and asthma like coughing is reflux or GERD .. and can also by indicitive of gallbladder. I had all the tests except the scope.  Everything was OK except the 2 hernias and some esophageal spasm in. It started in June and tortured me all summer and then got better.  Then at Thanksgiving it came back...now it has been good again for the last month or do.

..oh, breathlessness can be part of it too.  how odd.  I don't know why. When I first got it I really thought I was dying because for awhile I couldn't talk and breathe at the same time.  The good news is.  ..the second bout was not as bad as the first one and I can eat more foods now, but I am still pretty careful. I have a followup next week and I am pretty confident that all is well. I control it the best I can with diet and don't take any meds for it. 

    I think you are c loser than you think....just remember this healing is not linear.  I think you are almost there.  Bevkind to yourself..  ....coop

[[Mi...]]

Coop,  It's amazing how much our sx are alike.  This tail end is all about health fears of the GI stuff.  From hernias to stomach and esophagus cancer from the reflux! It is just incredibly crazy.  Allthough my stomach stuff has let up abit in the pain area.  I have this throat closing sx along with abit of swallowing difficulty.  I had my throat scoped by a ENT doc, everything looked perfect!  So now I am convinced it must be esophagus stuff.  The pains ect...  It's like I am going insane with this stuff.  I am hoping when I do my barium swallow these fears will calm abit!  I think they can see esophagus stuff on that test. I sure hope so??  As I am in no way in a frame of mind to do the endoscopy!  I honestly don't know if I could make it through that one wide awake, and there is no way I am taking a sedative.... 

It seems to much of a coincidence that we both took lorazepam and are having the same issues, doesn't it??!   

 

It's so amazing what a small little lorazepam can do to your entire being!

 

This swallowing stuff is driving me straight into a looney bin! 

My hubby is threatening to take the Wifi out of the house so I can not dr. Google anymore lol!  I suppose he is right I never thought of esophagus cancer until I read ALL ABOUT IT ONLINE! 

Ugh.....  It's hopeless.

 

 

 

Stuckindoors, Can you ask for the barium swallow test like I did instead of the endoscopy right now?  My GI doc agreed to that and a stomach ultrasound. To check out kidneys, pancreas, liver, ect.....

She said we could start with these and then depending on the results talk about a endoscopy?  Idk if that's the best way to go or not.  As I am not sure exactly what they can't see on a GI swallow vs. A actual endoscopy?

[[St...]]

Thanks for the advice, will talk to the doc about that, seeing him on Monday.

 

I have already had an ultrasound but i think i'm right in saying that an ultrasound doesn't rule out problems with the colon etc. My doc is thinking it could be Chrons or Colitis although it's probably just withdrawal

[[Mi...]]

Stuck, sorry I didn't see the part about colonoscopy just saw endoscopy! Good Luck on Monday!

[[Co...]]

Jen...yes, it does seem like a ' pattern' that we are both w/d-in from lorazapam and both experiencing gi issues in the last part of year 2. Mine began around month 18...   

    There are differing points of views on seeing the doctor and having the tests done. Each person has to listen to their own voice about medical evaluations. Some people do better not seeing the doctor , some people do better seeing the doctor.

Having said that.  I have always gone into to see the doctor when I was miserable and tortured with physical sx. For me it was always a reassurance ....and I personally think some things can crop up during w/d that are not w/d

  Yes, the barium swallow will show how your esophagus is functioning in real time. It is very easy ...no pain and I had no side effects what so ever from the barim aside from sme brief diarrhea.  You will swallow a some barium ..about milkshake thick...and as you stand upright they will take an x-ray as the barium goes through the esophagus to the stomach.....then you ly flat and they do a few more x-rays. They will also give you some bubbles to drink ..tiny amount and do another stand up x-ray...the whole thing takes about half an hour...I also refused the scope and had ultra sounds for my entire everything...pancreas. liver, kidneys, gallbladder, intestinal tract.  But I had breast cancer several years ago ( all is fine ...it was discovered at stage 0 and I had a bilateral mastectomy....took care of that), so they looked at everything.. .I declined an mri as I am clsustrophobic...from before benzos.  Having said all of that...I personally think you will be reassured by knowing that all is well and that gives you an argument when the health fears want to scream at you. Even at that I had terrible issues with surviving health fears

  Just a little bit of a positive.... at the beginning of month 27 ...I am beginning to feel healed...knock on wood...

  You are doing great....Listen to your own voice and do what you feel is right for you...Congratulations to you for sticking it out for 24/25 months....coop

[[Co...]]

Stuckindoors...

  Your sx sound familiar...lol....yep.  I had the same advice from my physician....you can ALWAYS ask for the LEAST invasive testing...my occult blood tests were negative too...I asked for ultrasound before moving on to ct  or endoscooy. They really pushed me on the scopes but I was such a mess from the health anxiety about my sx I just wasn't up to it. ...I have heard from others that the scopes are easy and they had no problems with them... but you always always have a choice...they often have to do non-scope exams on people who for one reason or another it would not be appropriate.

  I personally was very relieved after my tests ..I continued to have sx but I wasn't constantly in catastrophic health fear mode after knowing that the things I feared were not there. Over time my sx have improved.  .except the on again off again hiatal and umbelical hernias and they are harmless at this point , although I am choosing to have them followed every year or as needed just to keep an eye on them

  I wish you well with this painful sx.. there is a 'Stomach Issue' thread on the general board.  I went there a lot when I first got all the belly misery.. it was helpful. 

    Wishing you better days ....coop

[[Mi...]]

Thanks so much Coop!  I am scheduled for my barium and swallow study next Monday the 8th!  So excited to finally be able to not worry if this swallow stuff is Barrett's esophagus ect....  It will definitely help a lot to know what is what and what it's NOT!  I don't go to the doctor for everything but this is a must for my sanity ect...  I was worried about swallowing the barium but it is what it is and I need answers!  I am sure it's just this process but now I will know FORSURE! And that's what I need the most...  Because the worse case senerio is taking up way to much thought and energy. And I am done doing that!  I am going to put my big girl panties on LOL!  And finally put this what if crap to rest! 

 

Thanks again Coop! 

 

[[Co...]]

For those doubting healing past the 24 month....and agressively discouraging those of us believing in healing...

    I hope this will offset your damaging message...I am beginning month 27 months.  In the last week I have felt more healed than at any other time of my w/d. I am beginning to feel healed beyond windows...even beyond Effortless Mind Days.. Up until a week ago I was still cycling through classic w/d sx... granted , I have seen incremental improvement since month 21/22  but with lingering less intense sx...

    This week my ' window' has a decided different feel....a feel that causes me to feel 95% healed as opposed to 95% ' better'

This is what I want to say to all of us who are weary after the 24 months.  Healing happens ....and things can change within days....Do not listen to anyone who is discouraging you from this.  I did mote that those writing the discouraging .. and insensitive posts did not have any alternative advice .  Just an angry rant....we can do so much better for each other than angry rants....this is what I say... if you are living your life without benzos  because you have decided your life is better without them... in spite of painful and difficult sx...you are a courageous warrior...nobody knows how long sx remain...nobody knows where former bbs go....this is what deserves note....it takes such courage and belief to continue this fight....don't let anyone tear apart the nearly inhuman endurance you greeting each day with.....coop

[[so...]]

Coop,

 

Thank you so much for your beautiful and inspiring post.  Thank you for the Hope you instill in all of us.

 

Love, Sofa

[[Co...]]

Jen...I think with endoscopy they want to view tissue closer and have the ability to take a tissue sample if they want to. Ultrasounds see structure, function and some tissue.  It can't see through air....I was happy with doing an ultra sound first and moving to CT or mri if things got worse. 

    Onward.....we are getting there.  ..coop

[[Co...]]

Stuckindoors....do you think you have sx of Chrons ? ...you can ask your doctor to explain to you what makes him think you may have Chrones....

[[Co...]]

Sofa.. it's hard enough ....we don't need discouragement...we come up with enough doubt in our own minds. . This thread is about getting each other through the tough times....time after time until we and our friends are healed.

    Hold on Sofa... it does get better....coop

[[Mi...]]

Coop,  You bring so much hope for us all!  And I am so very happy for you! Please keep updating us all on how amazing you are feeling! 

 

[[so...]]

Jenn,

 

I had the bed vibrating thingie again.  It happens once a month, lasts 5-10 secs, then gone for another month.  What weird thing is this?

 

Sofa

[[...]]

Following this thread.

[[Co...]]

Miss Jen...you know way too many medical names and conditions....lol....don't go on Google anymore....believe me, I know how it's like a magnet.. I go on pintrest...lots of NON scary info there about gi stuff...with tons of dietary approaches and recipes... I am sitting on my hands not to go look up Barrettes esophogus...lol...You will be glad I think that you decided to do the swallow test.  ..coop

[[ci...]]

coop, thanks to you I am not in that dam rabbit hole. Thank you!

[[...]]

For those doubting healing past the 24 month....and agressively discouraging those of us believing in healing...

    I hope this will offset your damaging message...I am beginning month 27 months.  In the last week I have felt more healed than at any other time of my w/d. I am beginning to feel healed beyond windows...even beyond Effortless Mind Days.. Up until a week ago I was still cycling through classic w/d sx... granted , I have seen incremental improvement since month 21/22  but with lingering less intense sx...

    This week my ' window' has a decided different feel....a feel that causes me to feel 95% healed as opposed to 95% ' better'

This is what I want to say to all of us who are weary after the 24 months.  Healing happens ....and things can change within days....Do not listen to anyone who is discouraging you from this.  I did mote that those writing the discouraging .. and insensitive posts did not have any alternative advice .  Just an angry rant....we can do so much better for each other than angry rants....this is what I say... if you are living your life without benzos  because you have decided your life is better without them... in spite of painful and difficult sx...you are a courageous warrior...nobody knows how long sx remain...nobody knows where former bbs go....this is what deserves note....it takes such courage and belief to continue this fight....don't let anyone tear apart the nearly inhuman endurance you greeting each day with.....coop

 

 

Thanks for this Coop,

 

It takes a lot of effort to post about my conversations with BTP with a foggy brain and everything else. However it is so worth it if anyone can take comfort from what they say, albeit 2nd hand. To have someone come along and 'try' to trash that is quite hard to comprehend.

 

Anyway your words are VERY encouraging. Yes like the other 21/22 monthers, it's like really? Functioning the best we can but it sucks big time.

 

I really do believe to get through this we are super human and even though a lot of the time we feel utter despair we should be so proud. To know that yes, for another that has suffered for a long time, the rainbow s getting brighter, is sooooo welcome

[[Sk...]]

For those doubting healing past the 24 month....and agressively discouraging those of us believing in healing...

    I hope this will offset your damaging message...I am beginning month 27 months.  In the last week I have felt more healed than at any other time of my w/d. I am beginning to feel healed beyond windows...even beyond Effortless Mind Days.. Up until a week ago I was still cycling through classic w/d sx... granted , I have seen incremental improvement since month 21/22  but with lingering less intense sx...

    This week my ' window' has a decided different feel....a feel that causes me to feel 95% healed as opposed to 95% ' better'

This is what I want to say to all of us who are weary after the 24 months.  Healing happens ....and things can change within days....Do not listen to anyone who is discouraging you from this.  I did mote that those writing the discouraging .. and insensitive posts did not have any alternative advice .  Just an angry rant....we can do so much better for each other than angry rants....this is what I say... if you are living your life without benzos  because you have decided your life is better without them... in spite of painful and difficult sx...you are a courageous warrior...nobody knows how long sx remain...nobody knows where former bbs go....this is what deserves note....it takes such courage and belief to continue this fight....don't let anyone tear apart the nearly inhuman endurance you greeting each day with.....coop

 

 

Thanks for this Coop,

 

It takes a lot of effort to post about my conversations with BTP with a foggy brain and everything else. However it is so worth it if anyone can take comfort from what they say, albeit 2nd hand. To have someone come along and 'try' to trash that is quite hard to comprehend.

 

Anyway your words are VERY encouraging. Yes like the other 21/22 monthers, it's like really? Functioning the best we can but it sucks big time.

 

I really do believe to get through this we are super human and even though a lot of the time we feel utter despair we should be so proud. To know that yes, for another that has suffered for a long time, the rainbow s getting brighter, is sooooo welcome

 

Marj, as you know, I just lurk on the thread. At this stage, that is what I do. However, I have always found your updates on your chats with the guys at Cepuk so comforting and reassuring.

 

That on top of your illness, your feeling quite bad any given day, you take the trouble to post what they say, it's really kind of you.

 

You rock, girl !

 

Never mind people who are suffering too much and want to take us down with them.

 

Everybody, hang in there, there is indeed light at the end of the tunnel. I would know, I have been a tunnel dweller myself ! 

[[Fr...]]

Thanks Coop, more than you know.  So happy for you.

[[Co...]]

Cindys...you are going to get through this to the healed side. I just read 2 progress journals...'Tracking' and 'Nomne's ...'....they both are logging huge healing...both are in the 18-30 month time frame....So glad you are not down the Rabbit Hole today....It is so hard.  And then it's not.....coop

[[St...]]

Hey just wanted to check did you lot still get brain zaps at Month 15 and beyond? I still get them most days, it's like when my brain can't handle processing something i get zap that forces me to stop doing what I'm trying to do?