18 - 30 Month Plus Group

[[dr...]]

Jen-that is common with the reflux.  I have woken up choking on acid.  It is frightful.  Always happens more in a wave.  Congrats on 2 years!!!

 

Hi Marj and sofa!

 

I had a rough day yesterday with my mind throwing everything at me like health anxiety.  Ugh...I feel better today.  Basically I am going back to doing more distraction as that is the only thing that helps.  Start up on my model airplanes and play video games instead of passively watching TV.  My mind jsut spins the worst horror show when i am wavy.   

[[so...]]

Hi Drew, Marj and Jenn,

 

I seem to be in a pattern of two moderate days followed by a whopper.  I'm in the whopper today and it's swallowing me whole.  I hope the WD chokes on me before spitting me out.

 

I am soooooooo sick of this.

 

I am looking forward to my moderate day tomorrow, unless I'm just imagining the pattern, then I'll be spinning the wheel.  Wish I had a jackpot in my future.

 

Love you all, Sofa

[[Mi...]]

Thanks Drew! And I think you are right on with the anxiety/fear just kinda dropping off.  Don't get me wrong I still get it but it has been less and less and seems to be more situational instead of all day everyday just one big daily scary attack!  Lately I have only noticed my anxiety hit during a wave or when a physical Sx acts up.  Belly, throat, breathing.  I haven't mastered the health fear anxiety yet but I AM GOING TO, because I am convinced adding anxiety to the physical aches and pains make them 10x worse.  How are the beta blockers working for you? Are you seeing headache relief? I am also curious are they helping at all with the fast heart beat/ palps?  I still find myself getting them time to time?  Expecially when trying to excersize.  I am starting slow just a mile or two walking but wow. I feel like I am in my 90's instead of 34!  The senior citizens are passing by me 

 

Dear Sweet Sofa,  Hang on! I hope today is treating you better. ? 

 

Marj,  It's funny you mentioned the Cinema.  I just took my daughter to a movie last wk.  My hubby kinda looked at me dumbfounded jaw wide open when I looked at my daughter and said lets go we got 10 minutes to get there! As him and I have hAd to leave the theater a couple times.  It's only a few blocks from our house but it was a big step. I freak out when I feel trapped. And agreeing to sit in a theater for 2 hours brings on that trapped feeling.  But, I promised myself last wk everyday I would do something out of my comfort zone.  And I did. Drove out of town solo to my favorite store. Movie with my daughter.  Clinic with my daughter, that was the hardest. Then she was home sick so I had to give up the rest of my big adventures for the wk....  And, yes this wknd was a huge step.  And actually enjoying 2 out of the 3 days, was a hugs win! But, in all honesty I wouldn't have been able to do any of it if my hubby wasn't there with me.  I used to take my kiddos on trips solo as well.  And we had a blast!  My hubby has always made most of the money and I was always mom first.  So on there breaks ect.  We would travel a bit even if my hubby couldn't take the time off.  I am no where near being able to do that again.  I definitely have one foot in and one foot out still taking baby steps.  I am grateful for the progress made don't get me wrong.  But, there is still such a ways to go.  I have been toying with the thought of going back to work very part time. When I had to quit my job at the kiddos school, they offered me a substitute para job.  I activated myself this year. But, haven't answered the phone yet to take a job.  Idk, it's that trapped feeling again?...  We will see.  You guys and gals who are working through out this are my heroes and have all my respect!

Yes, concerning the muscle pains and aches.  They are exhausting. I feel like I am in my 90's.  Although the majority of my physical pains and Sx are still all GI stuff.  Ughhhh.........

Although I have finally worked up the courage to drink that darn barium stuff and schedule my additional tests my GI specialist wants.  So hopefully after that I will get some answers.  And if it's all perfect like the other million tests then at least hopefully I can keep the anxiety at bay when the Sx flare up...   

 

 

[[dr...]]

It can take the beta blocker a few months to work.  Unfortunately, I got a migraine aura this am again.  Took two tylenol and working from home and no bad pain yet.  Just damn frustrating.

 

I still have felt palps even with the betablocker but they would have probably been worse.

[[Mi...]]

Back in bed today.  I slept in posted felt pretty good.  Soaked in the tub and wham.  Internal vibrations, dizzy, pounding heart, weird breathing sensation like you aren't getting enough air, spaciness, and weird head feeling. Like I have a tight band on. The internal vibrations and breathing thing are the worst right now.  I feel like I am laying on a vibrating bed!  Oh well, super tired from doing literally nothing all day.  Idk if I got to much sleep or what but just can't wake up. Super weird maybe my body just needs the rest for this final healing? ( fingers crossed ). I used to wish I could sleep during the day. I was way to worked up to be able to nap....  I guess that's not the case today.  I feel asleep at 11 up at 7 back to sleep at 8:30-11:30. 11+ hours!      Bath, Internet, some food, now back to sleep at 3:00?     

[[Mi...]]

Hey guys,  I think this 2 year mark on February 1st is stirring up some bad thoughts.  I know I have been getting better, taking baby steps BUT it's really kinda scaring me that in less than a week I will be entering the beginning of three years.  And, still suffering with the anxiety ect....  And the proacted boards scare the **** out of me!  Sorry, I really try to stay as positive as possible on here as I know we are all doing the very best we can. But I am losing it more and more the closer I get to the 1st!  I guess I am scared of not being healed. And then I peeked on the proacted board and there are sites where people are in like yr 7!!!!!!  Omg! I am freaking out....

 

:'( :'(

[[Sk...]]

Hey guys,  I think this 2 year mark on February 1st is stirring up some bad thoughts.  I know I have been getting better, taking baby steps BUT it's really kinda scaring me that in less than a week I will be entering the beginning of three years.  And, still suffering with the anxiety ect....  And the proacted boards scare the **** out of me!  Sorry, I really try to stay as positive as possible on here as I know we are all doing the very best we can. But I am losing it more and more the closer I get to the 1st!  I guess I am scared of not being healed. And then I peeked on the proacted board and there are sites where people are in like yr 7!!!!!!  Omg! I am freaking out....

 

:'( :'(

 

Miss Jen, congrats on your anniversary ! But they are also the worst time in wd. It gets worse, maybe it's the expectations, I don't really know. I had a very bad time at my 2 year anniversary.

 

Btw, don't go anywhere near protracted if it upsets you. Keep reading positive things and stay with buddies you know well. Wish you the best, hang in there. 

[[pi...]]

Realy dont understand where the people like Ian singleton etc have their statistics about the 95% people healed at 2 years off. It just lies, the majority of people on this forum and even on this groupe are still symptomatic at 2 years off and even after.

 

You call them at their office and they say "oh well it"s normal you will get better people stop phoning after the 2 years mark because they go back in life", well what if it's not what's happening ?

 

It's like here on the forum, some people just leave the forum because they realize that they are 2years + off and still not healed and that nobody will help them on this forum or in internet. They leave but that's dont mean they are healed, they just leave because nobody will help them here and complaining about their symptoms here dont heal them neither.

 

So why wouldn't be the same with the "thousand of people" that Ian singleton and other benzos gurus saw in their association ? What if the personn just realize that even after calling those people for reassurance they are still not better so why phoning again ?

 

Realy i dont get it, the more out i am, the more i realize this, all the way throught this journey you are following what people tell you,

 

" hang in there at one year blablabla

 

hang in there lot of people heal in the 18-24 month blablabla

 

Well so why the MAJORITY of people here are still so symptomatic after those 24 month ?

 

Realy dont get it there is something not clear in that process

 

People give you statistics to hang in there like a placebo effect, but why the statistics are not showing the truth ?

 

The truth is even after 2 years the majority are not healed or not functional. Only a few people from them are functional and healed in this period

[[...]]

Hey guys,  I think this 2 year mark on February 1st is stirring up some bad thoughts.  I know I have been getting better, taking baby steps BUT it's really kinda scaring me that in less than a week I will be entering the beginning of three years.  And, still suffering with the anxiety ect....  And the proacted boards scare the **** out of me!  Sorry, I really try to stay as positive as possible on here as I know we are all doing the very best we can. But I am losing it more and more the closer I get to the 1st!  I guess I am scared of not being healed. And then I peeked on the proacted board and there are sites where people are in like yr 7!!!!!!  Omg! I am freaking out....

 

:'( :'(

 

Miss Jen, congrats on your anniversary ! But they are also the worst time in wd. It gets worse, maybe it's the expectations, I don't really know. I had a very bad time at my 2 year anniversary.

 

Btw, don't go anywhere near protracted if it upsets you. Keep reading positive things and stay with buddies you know well. Wish you the best, hang in there. 

 

 

Jen,

 

I agree with Sky so much. I do understand exactly what you mean about approaching your 2 year especially as you are having a wavy day. Try to bear in mind that you will not miraculously feel 100% at your 2 year mark if you can. I have this type of conversation with Ian and the others at Bristol all the time as it’s scary the further out we get when we are still awful. Ian says that so much of the time real recovery is apparent once we get past the 2 year mark. Sometimes before, sometimes a lot before, but generally the 2 year mark is when we really start to see progress. The thing is we want it now (ping!!) as we have done this for too long now. Each milestone we have passed expecting to be over this as we are SO OVER THIS. Also Bristol TP are currently supporting a large number of people who are between 20 – 24 months who are just like us…. Suffering. However Ian is certain that we will see marked improvement soon.  I know some people might think oh here she goes again harping on about them, but I feel it’s important to share this as there is no support outside the UK and I feel so lucky to have them. They have literally saved my life. Them and CITA who are no longer running due to funding issues. The thing is the years of experience and the evidence they have dealing with this for 30 years has to count for so much. If ever I question my recovery, which I have done countless times and EVERYONE DOES, I am corrected straight away in a heart beat (not a palp)

 

You should focus on what you have just achieved this past weekend and KEEP OFF the protracted. You just feed your fragile, sensitive mind with negative horror. Why would you do that? I have wandered there a little before, only to be freaked out, so I really try to avoid… each to their own. 

 

Jen, or anyone who hasn’t already, can I point you to the web site JoyousMerryFree by Don Kllian. The videos that both he and Michelle have done soothe me all the time. So reassuring.

 

 

Ok, I am so sleep deprived I feel so spaced out. I had to take my car to the garage before work and called in the supermarket while I waited for it. I cannot normally do the supermarket in the mornings and I felt like I was shaking inside and out, too stimulating. My vision is blurred and sort of feel like rabbit in headlights. Anyway I got what I needed and just did deep breathing all the way. It was that chemical anxiety rubbish. I cannot believe what trouble I am having with sleep and every night I have gone to bed expecting to just conk out and it just doesn’t happen. It is the palps, they won’t let me sleep. Luckily I have managed to stay upbeat as my pain has eased off and I just have a general sore, stiff feeling as if I’m 95. Last night my neck issues almost completely went away, only to bother me in the night. I think I tense my body at night as I have noticed that I seem to clench my fists unknowingly when I am say watching TV. It’s like I’m always in defensive mode. I’m also getting that internal hotness sometimes but I don’t care about that. I pray for sleep tonight as I worry what this is doing. Never had a problem with sleep in my life……. those pesky benzos. 

 

[[ci...]]

Marj, I am at 22 months CT. Thank you for posting the info Ian has shared with you. I choose to believe that we will all recover and that most of us will see definite improvement and healing near the two year mark. All I can do is have faith that I will heal.

[[Mi...]]

Marj,  Thanks much for the kind words and the web site, Merry Joyous Free!  Loved it. Spent most of my day on it. 

 

Boy this is just rough!  It's been much much worse but still it just sucks...  Oh well it's a new day tomorrow!  And with that all said, I TRULY HATED THE PAST 48 hrs.  But I really truly am grateful for the healing I have had.  I really meant it when I said I have been much much worse!  Even in this wave I am able to see large improvements.  So please don't anyone be scared if you see I am almost 2 years and waving abit! 

 

Thanks for the much needed pep talk Marj and Sky

 

 

[[Mi...]]

Texas,  I hope you see this post!  I spent the day on the site Marj so kindly recommended.  I was reading and came across some guy who's worse physical sx was the tooth pain!  I thought of you immediately.  Hope it brings you a little bit of reassurance!

 

 

[[Mi...]]

Pil54,  I totally get your frustration!  But people do heal.  Each in there own time own personal way!  We are so alike yet so different.  For me it's not if? It's when? And it can't come soon enough! 

I read some of your stuff.  And, I promise you I went completely psychosis, during acute.  I totally did actually go mad.  I truly wish I didn't remember it but I do.  I have the memory's flash on me daily.  I actually wore a life jacket and sat in my closet the first few weeks! Thank God there was a walk through bathroom in it!  Honestly, it was my only way to not hurt myself or anyone else. There was no bridge to jump off no train to drive in front of. No sharp object!  It was crazy, I was actually so far gone but had a small piece of me to connect with.  And I just knew I couldn't leave that closet if I had any chance of surviving without being in a hospital pumped full of the very stuff doing this to me. 

I finally got out of my closet and spent almost a whole year in my house! Completely agraphobic pure FEAR of everything! I was convinced I was being haunted!  I was extreme! 

And no I am not 100% I am fighting gastro sx and fatigue/muscle aches and pains.  And still have some high anxiety but NOTHING like my first year to 18 months. Yes it sucks! It's not fair!  But my sometimes rapid heart rate, throat sensations, and breathing sx are my only Anxietys!  And these sx keep me close to home BUT WOW Having these sx compared to two years ago!  They don't even compare!  So I PROMISE YOU, I am healing!  Not as fast as most! But, I am getting there and refuse to give up.  You will heal too!  The vertigo, DR, DP, Psychosis, 24/7 stoned feeling All Gone!  The insomnia completely 100% gone! 

My life is no walk in the park right now the anxiety can be crippling but it's different it's not a fear of everything! It's not so chemical.  It's all reactions to what my body is going through, and it can still be really scary at times but Just because I still have these few remaining sx I can't ignore how far I have come and how much I have fought to just be able to simply go to the market solo or go out of town for my sons hockey game with my hubby! I mean I used freak out if the phone would ring or if I had to open the door and let the dog inside!  Honestly, I would just pace the floor when left home alone. Positively sure I was going to die of something before my hubby would get home from work.  I would take my blood pressure so often my entire arm was full of bruises. I almost died the night of my CT and for some reason in my scrambled brain I had to see my BP #'s and see they were not as high as that night in the ER?  See how crazy I wAs???

 

So really truly keep fighting! I know if I survived my first 18 months I can certainly survive the next 18 months

 

Please don't lose Hope, we are healing! 

And honestly I truly believe when this is all over we will be stronger physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually then we were even before these damn drugs. 

[[Co...]]

Jen...I am just about starting month 27...I still get some anxiety too...I think it takes our brains awhile to un-learn the anxiety response...If you are feeling 85%-90%  better on most days you are in the home stretch. Don't go on the protracted board...just keep going forward each day. . forget about months and weeks....you will get to the end of this.  Everybody heals.  You have come a huge long way and you are doing great.  coop

[[Mi...]]

Thanks Coop!  It means so much.  How are you feeling?  Are your stomach issues getting any better?  I was up forever last night.  I was convinced I had stomach cancer or esophagus cancer from this reflux, ugh....  Or I was going to choke to death on it!  I swear I am going to be so very thrilled when this stomach stuff is done......

 

[[Fi...]]

pil54--(I don't want to copy what you wrote.)

 

I've vowed not to respond to you on other threads and you and Crazypants have repeatedly trashed me for trying to be encouraging.

 

But I have to speak up on this thread and just point out that your negativity is purely toxic to everyone here and most of all to yourself.  I'm not going to spend any time trying to argue you out of your attitude.  I'm just going to ask that you please not make things worse for the good people here who are trying to help each other along.

[[dr...]]

I agree FJ...I see nothing of any value that post adds.  It wasn't even a conversation thread.  More like a "bomb of BS"

[[St...]]

Pil54 - i agree with what the others have written. This group thread has been REALLY helpful to me, and i would appreciate it if you didn't come in here and ruin with your incessant negativity. I've been on this forum 14 months and literally if i were to think of the Top 5 negative posts i've read, you would probably have 4 of them. Whether you want to believe you/we will heal or not, can you not see how much you are adding to your own suffering? I've had a chronic illness for five years, there's hasn't been a day in five years where i've just had the energy to do the things i would want to do that day, i have missed out on so much of my children's lives, i have had to close multiple successful businesses i had dedicated my life to building, but i refuse to be a victim and make this experience any worse than it already is. Of course i still get frustrated sometimes and have to vent on here, but you'll never see me bashing other people's hopes and beliefs about their recovery, 99% of the time i ensure i am doing my very best to be in a HEALING state and not a STRESSED state, you've got to see that all your negativity is not helping anyone most importantly YOU. If you are able to read i would strongly recommend you read some books about the mind/body link and the placebo effect, Bruce Lipton's "The Biology Of Belief" is a good place to start, what you're currently doing is giving yourself a big unhealthy dose of NOcebo every day.

 

Just try to accept what has happened to you and try to make the best of a bad situation. I highly recommend you look at doing some mindfulness meditation, look for one that really stresses allowing things to be as they are, that will help get you in a calm, healing state. Adyashanti "True Meditation" is a good one or any of Jon Kabat Zinn's "Stress Reduction" programmes. They are both great at helping you be at peace with your reality, cos at the end of the day "suffering is arguing with reality".

 

I wish you healing, and a more positive outlook. TRUST ME there are millions of people out there in the world who have it A LOT worse than you or i.

[[Mi...]]

FJ, Drew, Stuckindoors, 

 

I agree, it's really hard to keep the hope and this thread has been my hope when I had none. So it's hard to read posts like that.  Pil54, I do wish you the very best in healing but please don't post stuff like that. Not only for all of us struggling but for yourself as well!  Please be kind to yourself! I know your scared and tired, this is scary! And it's ok to be scared and mad. But you have to be kinder to yourself....

 

And Stuck I am going to look into your suggestions on the meditation!  Thanks for the info. 

 

I am still waving! It's still bad but not as bad as I have had!  ALWAYS trying to find the positive.  I am on my way out of town hour drive to a hockey game. Ofcourse I am in the passenger seat with my safe person/hubby!  Yep, big wave still = safe person lol!  But hey I am doing it!  I hate being in this to familiar place again, but I seem to come out stronger every time maybe just maybe this will be my last one?

 

I love you guys!

THANKYOU from the bottom of my heart,  I honestly could NOT do this with out ya all! 

[[so...]]

Pil54's posts of doom and gloom are all over this site and I am dismayed to see he has found this thread to spread his poisonous attitude and negativity here amongst people who do their very best to stay positive and supportive of one another.  It is one thing to damage yourself and your own ability to recover.  It is quite another to hurt other people and attempt to dash their hopes for healing.

 

For the first time in withdrawal, I am angry.  Jenn is much more sympathetic and kinder than I.  Does anyone know if there is a way to block a certain person's posts, wherever they are posted?  I don't need this shit piled on top of the shit I'm going through.  I need my positive friends around me on this thread.  I cling to everyone here like lifelines in a dark stormy ocean.

 

Jenn, I still have my heart palps, head whooshing and high anxiety, but it is lessening and I feel the healing.  I just finished Baylissa's memoir, With Hope In My Heart and I highly recommend it.  She is completely healed, and has been for quite sometime.  She went through a withdrawal experience that would have broken the majority of us.  She is 200% healed and far better emotionally, physically and spiritually than she has ever been in her entire life.  She never lost hope and the firm belief that she would completely recover.  And recover she did.

 

Marj, it is so difficult to get pummeled by waves this far out.  I admire you so much for holding down a full-time job, taking daily walks, baking and caring for your children through all this.  You even take the time to pass along to the rest of us the encouragement you get from Ian Singleton.  Bless you!  We are going to get through this.  Every one of us!  The timeline is unimportant.  What IS important is that our condition is temporary.  We need to stay calm and accept this as a healing process.  I always notice improvements after the big waves, which is still more evidence of the repair work being accomplished by our brains.  Hang on, Marj.  The inevitable outcome of withdrawal is complete recovery.

 

Drew, I hope your migraines are subsiding.  You are so close to the end of withdrawal, your brain is just mopping up loose ends.  Remember the days/weeks/months you felt the healing taking place.  Well, maybe your GABA receptors are not 100% back yet, but they are almost fully functional and it's going to take one small kick to push you into full blown recovery.  Any day now, my friend.

 

I love you all.  I pray for us.  God is listening and He's not going to allow some man-made poisonous pills destroy his children.  Believe it.  He is healing us.

 

Love, Sofa

 

 

[[mr...]]

Just popping by to say that there are currently 21,430 members of this website. At any given time, there are about 300 members "active" (online, and posting), with another 300-400 offline and "inactive".

 

Let's just say, worst case scenario, that makes 700 posting "buddies". That's 3% of the entire member history that is still an active member of the forum.

 

And there are about 100-150 members a part of the Protracted site. (Mind you, being a "part" of the forum does not mean you are "protracted" nor unhealed, it just means you are a part of it. I am currently a part of it, and am only 14 months free.) Worst case, that is 0.7% of the entire member history.

 

I am just a simple gal and I may be mistaken (God knows I am imperfect), but I took a couple Statistics courses in college a few years back and I remember learning that 0.7% was not considered a "majority".

 

I'm being a bit fecicious, I know, but it is a bit unfair to make generalized references like "majority" or "minority" without actual factual evidence to back it up. Of the 21,430 members that have been a part of this forum (not counting guests), only 700 remain, and that's at most... I don't feel credible nor confident enough to decide for 20,720 people that they haven't "healed" enough yet. True, I don't know what their current status is. But do I really need to? They feel well enough to not be here anymore. It's where I'm at now. I SWORE that I would NEVER just someday drift away from this forum, unannounced and without writing a success story...but here I am, on my way out. I get it now; I get the "drift-away" phenomenon...because I'm living it currently. You just kinda get well enough to a point where you lose the time to spend hours on here anymore, because you're busy with life Is it "100% healed"? No, but it's 95-99%...what's wrong with that? So if the 20,720 drifted away because they were 95-99% healed...I guess I'm failing to see the negative in that. Some people get frustrated because they're not "exactly as they were before benzos"...but they forget that their lifestyle before benzos led them to benzo usage...so I fail to see the desire to return to that...

 

I will end with this: hurting people tend to hurt other people. Those that are a part of this forum who seem to hurt others the most, are they themselves hurting pretty awful. I saw it with one of my buddies on here...we were closest of friends during taper...and then towards the end of taper and 1st year off she got bitter and crude and mean...over and over she'd lash out at folks...but I knew the buddy "pre-tough times" and I knew she'd return. Low 'n behold, she's "back"

 

Have grace for those who are hurting, take light their words of pain, and enjoy your time in the trenches while you're there...for you will only pass this way but once in life, and I want to remember it happy

 

Love to you all,

 

Mrs.

[[Fi...]]

Great post, Mrslaw!  Except for one word toward the end?  Maybe it's asking a bit much ask people to "enjoy" their time in the trenches?   We don't want everybody to start beating themselves up because they find they aren't really ENJOYING this right?

 

I'm so glad you're feeling ready to disengage from BB.  But everyone obviously appreciates you coming back around from time to time. 

[[mr...]]

I don't mean to enjoy the pain, of course I just mean to be sure to find a moment in your day, each day, to enjoy a moment of it ~ for me, on my "toughest" days, I would take a quick moment to take a goofy selfie picture on my cellphone with a big goofy smile! Just so I could look back on that awful day and see something besides "ick". Didn't make the pain go away any quicker, but I now have an array of goofy selfie-pics that mean something special to me...

 

Mrs.

[[Fi...]]

Right!  I am all for feeding my brain every positive thing I can.  I'm grateful to myself what everything I DID get done and enjoyed on the days when I was up to it. 

 

And I think for a lot of women there can be a certain enjoyment and empowerment in finally putting themselves at the top of their own list after taking care of others all their lives. We will come out of this stronger!

[[Te...]]

Hi everyone.... Really struggling today....it's hard to read post to catch up.....seems like a lot of good is happening ...and seems like some kind of cat fight is happening .....I'm concerned I'm over two years ...and still having a lot of strong symptoms.....but Phil .....we all need faith....didn't catch what really happened.....but Ian.....has been though it....and recovered.....so seems like he does understand healing....it's so slow....

Jen.......did you read of a benzo buddy with tooth issues.....did they report improvement?

Miss you all.....my husbands traveling.....so I'm totally responsible again this week ...of getting kids to school...sports....jobs....doctor appt...it's been hard ths month....but life goes on.....regardless how crappy I feel....

Love you guys........praying for everyone!

TM