18 - 30 Month Plus Group

[[bc...]]

So sorry to hear that some  are still struggling thru sxs.  But also happy for those that are seeing some light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Just needed to post today....don't do it often....but at 19 month off of  benzos and 6 months off of an AD....I am going thru H***........the anxiety, fear, irritability, tremors, horrible neg looping thoughts are continuously with me.....also have a lot of joint and muscle pain..... I don't know how to deal with anymore... every day.....all day long....no peace or calm in my mind or body.  Very hard to do anything with this ripping thru me....Does this every go away.....I am at my wits end.

 

Sorry for the down post....but just need to vent......

 

Hoping for healing for all of us real soon............hugs

[[sl...]]

Bcalm-

 

I'm in hell too.  Ever since January, I'm having waves that are just as bad (or worse) than my early months off.  I'm also at my wits end, at 20 months!!  I have been in a near constant wave this entire month and last night was one of my most horrific nights.  Honestly, I've lost track of the number of horrific nights I've had (too many) but last night brought a return of the constant twitches and spams  in between the sleep startles... And the sleep startles feel like my my muscles are being yanked really hard.  I am also back to the akasthesia/chemical poison throughout my body that makes me have to rock back and forth.  Nausea, doom, burning, fatigue, raging tinnitus... All through the roof with no break.  I'm losing the strength to keep living. 

[[bc...]]

sleeplessMT......I am so sorry that you are still struggling....this is truly criminal....that a little pill can do so much damage and cause so much suffering for all of us.  Wish there was something that would help all of us get thru this without all of the pain and agony. 

 

We just have to hang on and hope that one day soon we will see some improvements and be able to move forward.  We just need to get thru one day at a time....sometimes it is one hour at a time....but somehow we will do it.

 

Hoping for healing for us all real soon.......hugs

[[Lo...]]

Hi guys, well i made it out on my dirtbike! Such a massive milestone. Was anxious on the way there (understandable) and managed to ride 20 minutes which doesnt sound like much but wrestling a 100kg bike through boggy sand is a major workout. Obviously i was a bit rusty and my wasted muscles arnt at full strength but i felt good and reasonably comfortable.

 

Woke up today workout sore not benzo sore which is amazing.i was anxious when i got home but i think that was from anticipation and not knowing how my body would react as this is by far the hardest i have pushed myself. Feeling calm after wakeup this morning. I think my snowball has started but trying not to get too excited!

 

Too all the buddies struggling around 19 - 21 month mark just 2 weeks ago i was where you are at. I was pissed off and jaded - sick of this shit and ready to throw in the towl. Things can change in an instant and where you are is not permanent. You know this and dont listen to the benzo lies. Better days lay ahead. Just keep going

 

 

[[Mi...]]

Morning All,

 

I honestly do not know what to say...

I am still waving and it is insane.  I am 3 years 3 months today. 

I have had a couple of buddies PM me that sometimes you get hit extremely hard before you heal.  Idk anymore.  This is just kicking my ass...

I am really freaking out that this is going to last forever.  I read where someone healed but it took like a decade...  I can NOT do this for a decade... 

Once you get to 3 plus years is there hope guys?

Sorry for the bummer post but badly need reasurance...............

 

 

[[Si...]]

sleeplessMT, bcalm, Miss Jen

 

Sorry to hear all of you are still doing so bad. Has your sleep improved any sleepless? I now seem to be a lot more on track with my sleep after a brutal 4 month setback. Still have some muscle twitching and head stuff, but most everything else seems to have gone away. There is also some fatigue, but it doesn’t bother me much as you know how hard it is to deal with no sleep. I'll take the fatigue any day of the week over feeling like a sleep deprived zombie. I'm sure it has to turn around for each one of you. My bad symptoms were really brutal right up until it switched over. Each time I've gotten better, it seems to have gone from very bad to pretty decent relatively fast. Within a week or two basically.

 

Lockie, sounds awesome! Glad you were able to get out and have a little fun. Seems you may be on the mend. 

 

 

[[sl...]]

So happy for you siggy . I'm sure it puts your mind at ease to know that if you should ever get burned again by something that sets off a wave, you will recover much quicker than you did when getting off the meds. While 4 months is hellaciously long to the average joe, for us it's nothing compared to the long battle we've already been subjected to.  Hopefully this will be your last reaction and last wave, ever. 

 

My sleep is horrendous (same old crap) and I'm begging the universe to just please take away these surges and jerks!  Honestly, I am ok with insomnia at this point... I just want to lay in bed without feeling like I'm experiencing an exorcism.  I hope I make a sudden turn around like you did. 

 

I sleep up to 5 hours, but my average for this month has been 3.7.  Always broken and all dream sleep. 

[[Si...]]

So happy for you siggy . I'm sure it puts your mind at ease to know that if you should ever get burned again by something that sets off a wave, you will recover much quicker than you did when getting off the meds. While 4 months is hellaciously long to the average joe, for us it's nothing compared to the long battle we've already been subjected to.  Hopefully this will be your last reaction and last wave, ever. 

 

My sleep is horrendous (same old crap) and I'm begging the universe to just please take away these surges and jerks!  Honestly, I am ok with insomnia at this point... I just want to lay in bed without feeling like I'm experiencing an exorcism.  I hope I make a sudden turn around like you did. 

 

I sleep up to 5 hours, but my average for this month has been 3.7.  Always broken and all dream sleep.

 

Thanks sleepless! I know how much those crappy nights suck. I went for a while only getting 2-4 hours a night. Some nights I'd go to bed at 11:30 and fall asleep right away, but then I'd wake up an hour or two later and that would be it for the night. Some times I cobble together another 30 minutes or hour of light sleep. Most nights I'm getting 6-7. Sometimes more or less. I just have to avoid alcohol from now on.

 

Have you tried tryptophan? I've been taking it for about a month. 

 

[[...]]

So sorry Jen,

 

Totally understand where youre coming from. I've not posted as Im sick of writing bad news,  yet for me it helps to get it out,  its not 'whining'. I went for a walk yesterday evening,  quite a long walk round a nature reserve near me. I needed to just walk,  despite fatigue, yes it was lovely but as we know this awfulness follows us wherever we go. I felt a little better last night,  everything dialed down,  went to bed and although Im sleeping better,  it was toxic and I was in so much pain. Today,  well what can I say. Im back to massive health fears and worrying I have MS again as my whole body has seized up. I have a day off today,  I would have struggled to make it.

 

Keep fighting the fight Jen and all the other fellow suffering warriors.

[[Si...]]

Hi marj,

 

Write whatever you need to to help. Glad you at least had a little bit of a low key night. The toxic sleep junk will go away eventually. I know no fun in the interim. I remember jamming my face as hard as I could in my pillow and then screaming at the top of my lungs for it to just all go away. Hope you can enjoy your day off. Walking was my go to medicine to get my mind off of it, at least for a while.

 

[[...]]

Hey Siggy, thanks hun, 

 

Im so pleased youre doing better,  it must be a massive relief. I have to keep reminding myself that this is temporary. The physical is so bad today,  its like the tightest latex all over my body and internally too, makes my vision go wonky and pulls my bones. I know that sounds dramatic,  but thats what its like. Im coughing up crud now,  like Jen. Ive screamed into pillows many times. Its weird coz if Ive been bad and eaten sugar,  I get this toxicity feeling,  like Im burning inside,  yet yesterday I ate super healthy. Just goes to show there is no explanation for this shit,  apart from alcohol obviously. Time heals this, its just too much time for some, where it gets worse before better,  IMO.

[[...]]

Hi guys, well i made it out on my dirtbike! Such a massive milestone. Was anxious on the way there (understandable) and managed to ride 20 minutes which doesnt sound like much but wrestling a 100kg bike through boggy sand is a major workout. Obviously i was a bit rusty and my wasted muscles arnt at full strength but i felt good and reasonably comfortable.

 

Woke up today workout sore not benzo sore which is amazing.i was anxious when i got home but i think that was from anticipation and not knowing how my body would react as this is by far the hardest i have pushed myself. Feeling calm after wakeup this morning. I think my snowball has started but trying not to get too excited!

 

Too all the buddies struggling around 19 - 21 month mark just 2 weeks ago i was where you are at. I was pissed off and jaded - sick of this shit and ready to throw in the towl. Things can change in an instant and where you are is not permanent. You know this and dont listen to the benzo lies. Better days lay ahead. Just keep going

 

 

Sorry Lockie,  I never said how great this is,  youre doing really well. I do often think of you fretting about your baby on the way. It looks like you will be fine after all,  thank God. 

[[bc...]]

Lockie and Siggy.....glad to hear that you are both seeing some good days and great improvement.  Soon you will be totally free from this awful experience....hang on cause you are just about there.

 

sleepless, Miss Jen, marj .....sorry for the suffering you are all going thru.....I can certainly relate to it all.....wanting so desperately to be well and get my life back...we are all fighting a tough battle....hoping for some relief for us all.

 

sofa....you haven't been on here for a while......hope you are ok and enjoying some better days.........

 

I am still trying to hang on ......day to day, hour to hour......this is an awful experience and I just want it all to end......my core sxs will not leave....they are hanging on and dragging me down.  So hard to cope with all of this every day.

 

Hope for healing for us all....real soon............hugs

 

[[Mi...]]

I never once in the past 3 years thought about reinstating...

But today I'm just done... If I felt well enough to drive I would have already reinstated!

I am to terrified this is never going to end! And I can not make it through years more of this horror show... I just can't!

[[al...]]

Miss Jen,

A couple of years ago you would never have thought that you would be able to make it this far, but you did. You may be having a rougher withdrawal than most people experience, but there is absolutely no reason to think that you have years more to go. Your signature states that you recently were feeling much better so most likely that will happen again sometime in the not too distant future. Hopefully this will be your last major wave and then more stability will finally set in.

[[Lo...]]

Thanks Marj and Becalm2, so sorry you are still suffering. Its all time and everyone heals. I wanted to post some positivity and hope but sometimes i wonder if im just pouring salt on everybodys wounds by posting up good progress??

 

Anyway i hope you all see some good healing soon. I serm to be holding up ok after the ride. Sore muscles but that is to be expected

[[so...]]

Jen,

 

I'm so sorry you feel so desperate.  Maybe I can help a little by suggesting what may be contributing to your setback of sorts, which is what I think this is.  I know a couple people chimed in on another thread offering comments of, gee whiz, this is just the way withdrawal goes, completely unpredictable.  I have NEVER felt this way, so please take what I say with a grain of salt.

 

In my opinion, withdrawal is NOT unpredictable at all.  It is chaotic in the beginning because, with a lot of receptors shut down, there is a lot going haywire and the symptoms presenting are horrendous.  At your stage out, this is not the case.  You mentioned you have been taking an antihistamine recently.  It may be stressing your CNS.  Something inside you probably finds it taxing or offensive and your still fragile, but mending, brain/receptors sense an imminent threat, much like they do a virus, and they are attacking the drug that's now present.  Something for you to consider.

 

Next, and most importantly, you posted just a week or two ago that you had to take your daughter to the ER and she was diagnosed with Diabetes 1.  You handled the situation brilliantly, just as a good mother would.  You have to remember that, at 39 months off, you are far out in the recovery process and your reactions to a new drug and a big stressor will be DELAYED, not immediate.  Also keep in mind you are still healing and, therefore, still sensitive to stress, emotional (situations) and chemical (drugs).  Heather Ashton even mentions in her manual that people can get setbacks from stressors sometimes years out.

 

Jen, please take reinstating off the table.  I'm sure you will not reinstate.  Not after what you've been through for 39 months.  Not after you've seen what these drugs are capable of and what they have done to you.  Not after almost losing your mind and your life when they CT'd you in the ER.  You need to say to yourself, "STOP, STOP, STOP!"  You know what this is.  It will pass as it has every time.  You've been here before.  This is a delayed reaction to recent stresses your body has encountered.  That's all it is.  One day, you will NOT react to stress in any negative way.  That day is 39 months closer than it was.

 

Breathe, Jen.  You've been feeling better and you are out of practice.  Go back to your coping tools, like you did in the beginning, and breathe through this shit.  It's going to leave.  Just let this play out.  You've handled this for a long time.  You will be just fine in a week or two. 

 

You can do this.

 

Sofa

 

 

[[Sa...]]

Sofa,

 

i just love you.  You're always there with voice of reason and a big heart!

 

Jen,

 

Listen to sofa, it'll pass!

[[...]]

Jen,

 

I'm so sorry you feel so desperate.  Maybe I can help a little by suggesting what may be contributing to your setback of sorts, which is what I think this is.  I know a couple people chimed in on another thread offering comments of, gee whiz, this is just the way withdrawal goes, completely unpredictable.  I have NEVER felt this way, so please take what I say with a grain of salt.

 

In my opinion, withdrawal is NOT unpredictable at all.  It is chaotic in the beginning because, with a lot of receptors shut down, there is a lot going haywire and the symptoms presenting are horrendous.  At your stage out, this is not the case.  You mentioned you have been taking an antihistamine recently.  It may be stressing your CNS.  Something inside you probably finds it taxing or offensive and your still fragile, but mending, brain/receptors sense an imminent threat, much like they do a virus, and they are attacking the drug that's now present.  Something for you to consider.

 

Next, and most importantly, you posted just a week or two ago that you had to take your daughter to the ER and she was diagnosed with Diabetes 1.  You handled the situation brilliantly, just as a good mother would.  You have to remember that, at 39 months off, you are far out in the recovery process and your reactions to a new drug and a big stressor will be DELAYED, not immediate.  Also keep in mind you are still healing and, therefore, still sensitive to stress, emotional (situations) and chemical (drugs).  Heather Ashton even mentions in her manual that people can get setbacks from stressors sometimes years out.

 

Jen, please take reinstating off the table.  I'm sure you will not reinstate.  Not after what you've been through for 39 months.  Not after you've seen what these drugs are capable of and what they have done to you.  Not after almost losing your mind and your life when they CT'd you in the ER.  You need to say to yourself, "STOP, STOP, STOP!"  You know what this is.  It will pass as it has every time.  You've been here before.  This is a delayed reaction to recent stresses your body has encountered.  That's all it is.  One day, you will NOT react to stress in any negative way.  That day is 39 months closer than it was.

 

Breathe, Jen.  You've been feeling better and you are out of practice.  Go back to your coping tools, like you did in the beginning, and breathe through this shit.  It's going to leave.  Just let this play out.  You've handled this for a long time.  You will be just fine in a week or two. 

 

You can do this.

 

Sofa

 

Amazing support and I would say exactly the same, not as well written. Thanks sofa, this helped me too.

 

Jen I've sent you a pm but sofa is spot on. I visit where you are often. It's just the fear and I say just as it's a lie, although it feels so real, I know the fear all too well.

 

Thanks to  aloahfromhawaii too 

[[Mi...]]

You all are amazing and I truly wouldn't be here without you all!

Much Love to you all ❤️️

[[Mi...]]

I'm sorry I spoke of reinstating I just have never considered it until today!

And I deeply apologize to you all!

I just can't believe this is happening again and at my time frame...

I am close to agoraphobic again and have almost every single sx back! It's just unreal...

And this clearing the throat breathing crap has been my number 1 worse physical sx for a year now and it's just making me utterly insane in itself! And I have had every test I can imagine! So that's why I broke down and started the antihistamine.... 

And yes I have had some decent times this past year but I haven't ever felt like me yet. 3 plus years is wearing on me...

And this anxiety is just consuming in itself...

I'm still not able to go more than a few miles from my house solo... I'm a prisoner to this town, and lately the town seems to much for me...

Everything is returning, brain zaps, cog fog, DR, complete and utter fear of everything. Scared to be alone...  Taking a shower is a huge chore! Inner vibrations, fear of literally losing my ever loving mind has returned... It's just so much... The heart palps, panics and not normal panics that chemical stuff that eats you alive...

And it's extremely hard to know what's happening...

I seem to have lost my intuition during this journey and there are so many mixed responses...

Take these vitamins, no don't!

Try CBD it saved my life, then Omg Cbd almost sent me psychosis!

Try a antihistamine, don't try one!

It's just so hard to know wat is what...

Even freaking tea???

Sorry again but I'm losing it. Correction have lost it completely....

[[so...]]

Jen,

 

It will pass.  All of it.  You're in an uptick.  Nothing more.  Your nerves got rattled.  Your body got riled.  Your thoughts are magnifying everything.  I feel bad for you.  It's going to take awhile to quiet things down.  I took the natural route.  I'm happy with my decision.  Do I have occasional bumps and curves?  Sure.  Withdrawal isn't ever smooth.  Do I panic anymore?  No.  Been there, done that.  Do I worry a bit?  Yes.  Do I need reassurance?  You betcha.  Do I get sad and depressed sometimes?  Yep.  Do I have to fight the fear?  Absolutely.  All "normal withdrawal shit" doesn't disappear until it's finally gone.  I still have the same 2 symptoms I got the day after I jumped.  Does it bother me?  Hell yes.  Do I worry it's permanent?  At least once a day I do.  Do I think I will heal from anxiety I never had before I jumped?  Yes I do.

 

We all have the same fears.  Our physical symptoms vary, but the mental stuff is all the same.  We are scared.  We are human.  We are also strong as steel girders in concrete to go through this. 

 

Sofa

[[Ki...]]

 

Next, and most importantly, you posted just a week or two ago that you had to take your daughter to the ER and she was diagnosed with Diabetes 1.  You handled the situation brilliantly, just as a good mother would. 

 

 

This is spot on. I have handled serious/stressful situations (court case with my ex-husband, deaths in the family, etc) with relative ease and was always surprised. Then, I would get slammed 5-7 days later. Every time. Same was true with Drew, perfectly present and good when his baby was born, a week later, not so good.

 

You went through a very traumatic experience with your daughter, Jen. I'm not at all surprised you're feeling it now. But not to detract from how your feeling of course...it's miserable and awful and scary and down right unfair 

[[...]]

Sorry,  its morning here and like every morning I feel like Im dying. I just feel there must be something wrong with me as I cannot handle stressful situations at all. If anything happened in my life I know I would fall to pieces. Yesterday I went somewhere with my daughter,  only for an hour or so and remembered I had a couple of normal little other things to do and straight away I was overwhelmed and felt I would collapse. I have been like this the entire time,  with things lifting a bit in the evening sometimes. Kiddo mentioned court case OMG I would go insane and I still have the jury service looming and there is no way on earth,  it would finish me and this is something I had previously always wanted to do. I know I go to work,  but its litetally a death march every single day. Every day I pray nothing will happen 'out of the ordinary'  as my routine is like groundhog day. I woke up with so much fear today and Im worried that this cannot be wd anymore as even getting out of bed is severe stress for me,  Im back to work today and want Im freaking out that there must be something else wrong with me. There's no end in sight and I try so hard. Sorry feeling beaten right now  :'(  I just feel Im too sensitive to recover

 

Also, In the night I had like restless legs but in my whole body and its scared the living daylights out of me. Anyone else get this. Sorry Im now feeling this is years and years if Im still so bad or infact I have some neurological illness. I cannot breathe right now.

[[so...]]

Marj,

 

I ask myself this question whenever I feel the permanent damage thing.  Did I ever feel like this before I jumped off the drugs?  No, I NEVER EVER felt like this in my life.  I wake up every day to the same crap, head pulsing, heart racing, mind racing.  It's horrid.  Of course I feel it may be permanent.  I go through this fear every morning at 3am when it hits me.

 

The protracted board triggered me again with the "permanent damage" rhetoric.  I should know better than to go there.  Obviously the people who post there are immune to being triggered.  I am not.  All I can do to protect myself is stay off that section of the forum.  I don't know if you occasionally read that board but, if you do, you may want to stop.

 

People like us, who get hit first thing every morning with the same excitatory crap, feel this horrible doom of permanency with good reason.  It's because it's been a permanent part of our withdrawal.  Others have had this leave in their withdrawal, which actually scares me.  From what I've read, more people have the 3am wake up with the onslaught of symptoms than do not.  It has to do with the circadium rhythm and the cycling schedule of our symptoms I guess.  I have no idea really.

 

I lived 61 years without a hint of this stuff in my life.  I stopped taking one little pill and whammo this started.  It's ridiculous.  Why should I believe that the removal of a drug I took for a lousy 2.5 months would leave me in a permanent excitatory state?  I shouldn't.  And neither should you.

 

Sofa