18 - 30 Month Plus Group

[[jj...]]

Hey guys, just dropping in to see how everyone is doing.

 

Sorry to see some of you still struggling like this, we'll get there though, eventually.

 

Lockie, what are your psychotic symptoms? Just curious. I had auditory and visual hallucinations on and off all the way up to last year as well as severe time distortion, which is also a symptom of psychosis. Glad to report that it's been many months since then.

 

I'm still in benzo purgatory, not sick but not well. Fully functional, but still aware that something is off almost all my waking hours. I have started sleeping well, so I'm getting complete relief then. I used to be aware of being in withdrawal literally 24/7, awake or asleep, I'm sure that most of you know what I mean by that. I will say that aside from one waveish day a couple of weeks ago, I'm pretty consistently somewhere in the range of 75% to 80% healed but it is kind of hard to estimate now that I've been sick for so long. I feel a little like Frodo when he says "I can't recall the taste of food, nor the sound of water, nor the touch of grass." Lol.

 

Sending love and healing vibes your way  jj 

[[Lo...]]

Hey guys, just dropping in to see how everyone is doing.

 

Sorry to see some of you still struggling like this, we'll get there though, eventually.

 

Lockie, what are your psychotic symptoms? Just curious. I had auditory and visual hallucinations on and off all the way up to last year as well as severe time distortion, which is also a symptom of psychosis. Glad to report that it's been many months since then.

 

I'm still in benzo purgatory, not sick but not well. Fully functional, but still aware that something is off almost all my waking hours. I have started sleeping well, so I'm getting complete relief then. I used to be aware of being in withdrawal literally 24/7, awake or asleep, I'm sure that most of you know what I mean by that. I will say that aside from one waveish day a couple of weeks ago, I'm pretty consistently somewhere in the range of 75% to 80% healed but it is kind of hard to estimate now that I've been sick for so long. I feel a little like Frodo when he says "I can't recall the taste of food, nor the sound of water, nor the touch of grass." Lol.

 

Sending love and healing vibes your way  jj 

 

Hi mate.

 

The psychosis was pretty nasty. It only went for a day with very severe depression either side for a day but i was so far gone it was scary.

 

The symptoms were total benzo rage with suicidal and homicidal urges. Only towards the family member who gave me the valium and now disappeared when he found out i started having issues. I was completely withdrawn from reality and emotionally numb.

 

I was reading up on a few things and had been physically pushing myself hard to exersise. A few other people had massive crashes too when the endorphins wore off so thinking it could have been that.

 

I feel in a similar situation to you. "Somewhat" functional - not incredibly ill  bit still not anywhere near where i was. Just gotta keep going

[[HO...]]

Get yourself booked in for a full check up Marj. Get all the tests done and kill that anxiety. Hang tough buddie so sorry you are still in the trenches.

 

Ive improved a bit and thankyou for all the support when needed it everyone. That psychotic episode nearly sent me off the deep end and nearly completely lost my shit. Today still feeling a bit low but nothing like previously. I have cottonbrains / DR and headaches today but the DP is gone and feeling like me again.

 

Amazing the fatigue is minimal and my muscles feel strong just dealing with the head symptoms at the moment. Hopefully keep clawing my way out of this hole

 

Love your YouTube videos. How are you feeling now. How long were you on Valium? Also you recently had a psychotic episode I'm so sorry. I feel on the verge of that everyday.

 

Hi Hope , thanks for the feedback! You need to take into consideration i am an extreme case of the extreme cases. I was on valium for 3 months 2mg. As for the psycosis. I fazed in and out of it for the first year but less and less as time went on. This is the first time it has happened in a long time. It was intense for a day with extreme depression the day before and after. Im ok now thou

 

I'm a pretty extreme case too. Severe dependency after 3 weeks.

[[jj...]]

The symptoms were total benzo rage with suicidal and homicidal urges. Only towards the family member who gave me the valium and now disappeared when he found out i started having issues. I was completely withdrawn from reality and emotionally numb.

 

Actually, Locke, given the circumstances, pretty understandable.

[[...]]

Im so scared.  Been like this all week,  couldnt go to work yesterday. Feel Im losing my mind. Meltdown after meltdown,  scared my daughter. DP DR gone crazy,  burning skin,  eyes wonky,  heart palps. Feel a lot like lockie described. I was 37 months,  this cant be right. I couldnt move from my room yesterday. Everyone else is making progress,  I dont understand. I honestly feel on the brink. Sorry.

[[Si...]]

Oh no marj! So sorry you're still in the thick if it. At least it's the weekend now. Hope you pull out of it soon.

 

[[Lo...]]

Im so scared.  Been like this all week,  couldnt go to work yesterday. Feel Im losing my mind. Meltdown after meltdown,  scared my daughter. DP DR gone crazy,  burning skin,  eyes wonky,  heart palps. Feel a lot like lockie described. I was 37 months,  this cant be right. I couldnt move from my room yesterday. Everyone else is making progress,  I dont understand. I honestly feel on the brink. Sorry.

 

Ohhh marj im so sorry  sounds like this setback is a nasty one. Dont be too hard on yourself and rest up. dont let the benzo lies bring you down. Its just a wave - nothing more, you have been here before and pulled out back to baseline and you will again just be patient.

 

Did you go to the docs yet? Get those bloods done and help put ur anxieties to rest. Your going to be ok

[[...]]

Im so scared.  Been like this all week,  couldnt go to work yesterday. Feel Im losing my mind. Meltdown after meltdown,  scared my daughter. DP DR gone crazy,  burning skin,  eyes wonky,  heart palps. Feel a lot like lockie described. I was 37 months,  this cant be right. I couldnt move from my room yesterday. Everyone else is making progress,  I dont understand. I honestly feel on the brink. Sorry.

 

 

 

Ohhh marj im so sorry  sounds like this setback is a nasty one. Dont be too hard on yourself and rest up. dont let the benzo lies bring you down. Its just a wave - nothing more, you have been here before and pulled out back to baseline and you will again just be patient.

 

Did you go to the docs yet? Get those bloods done and help put ur anxieties to rest. Your going to be ok

 

Im going for blood tests on tuesday,  had to beg for b12. Thanks for the encouragement, I really need it. I really dont understand what my baseline is tbh, as Im just crummy all the time in varying degrees. This week has been so awful, couldnt work yesterday then beat myself for giving in, but every day is not great. It worries me,  particularly as Im 37 months. Im so spaced out its unreal,  head stuff has been 24/7. Makes me feel its something else. Hate this so much. Feel like Im in too deep. Sorry,  I used to be much more hopeful than this,  now Im truly scared. Honestly,  thanks for responding 

[[jj...]]

Hey marj, it's always good to get things checked just to make sure, but I have a lot of the same symptoms that you do and they are pretty consistent with benzodiazepine withdrawal. Some of us are slow healers. I know it's unbelievably horrible, but we're going to get there. Don't give up hope. Time will heal us.

[[Lo...]]

Pretty quiet on here at the moment hope that means everyone is doing well.

 

Been feeling like shit again yesterday and today. Somehow managed to drive 45 minutes and made it to raceday. No way would i have gone if it was just practice, managed to fly reasonably well and got second place even though it was a struggle and feeling like shit.

 

Trying to focus and be positive in my waves now and when i think about it if i was in a wave no way would i have made it 6 months ago. Trying to look at it as a win but hard when i feel so hopeless and like this is never is going to end. So sick of struggling but must keep going

 

 

[[...]]

Hi Lockie,  Im quiet because its still so rough. Just feel dead inside and exhausted. Sick of complaining,  yet here I am. Gonna go outside now and pot some plants,  even though I dont want to and just want to cry. When feeling like this for what seems an eternity,  its hard. Im terrified Im stuck. Its weird because if I get a little break,  which is rare,  I feel hope,  but it just disappears every time.

 

Thanks jjrosk for your encouraging words. So need them. 

[[sl...]]

Marj,

 

I try to follow everyone here but sometimes everyones experience with this is confusing to me.  What exactly is your worst symptom?  Is it physical or mental?  Mine is all physical, but drives me mentally insane!  My mom went through this crap over 10 years ago from Xanax and it was all mental for her (with some buzzing and other minor physical symptoms).  She could sleep... I can't to save my life!

 

Happy Mother's Day.  Hopefully next Mother's Day we can both feel joy and happiness on our day. 

[[...]]

Marj,

 

I try to follow everyone here but sometimes everyones experience with this is confusing to me.  What exactly is your worst symptom?  Is it physical or mental?  Mine is all physical, but drives me mentally insane!  My mom went through this crap over 10 years ago from Xanax and it was all mental for her (with some buzzing and other minor physical symptoms).  She could sleep... I can't to save my life!

 

Happy Mother's Day.  Hopefully next Mother's Day we can both feel joy and happiness on our day.

 

 

Hi sleepless, I couldn't give one symptom that is worse. It's both mental and physical for me. I've had so many sleepless nights and I am getting a bit more now, but if hasn't improved the fatigue. Right now my main fear is going insane from this, losing my job and everything. Work is a total nightmare but I'm the sole provider so I have to push myself. I doubt I till be able to go again tomorrow as I'm so bad right now. I'm not going to list my symptoms as there are too many and I'm sick of them tbh. I have general massive fear right now about my health and how much longer I have to live like this and if indeed it will go. Hardly get windows which also worries me I will get fords and worse as there is something else wrong. I'm stunned that at 37 months it is still like this and it's not from not trying. I think some people get hit really hard and I have no idea why. One day, I pray this will be over and people like you and everyone else can get on with their lives away from here. I've stayed off here this afternoon and potted some plants and it was total hell. I'm so effed off and I'm sure you are too.

[[...]]

Im sorry for all my complaining,  I really dont know what has become of me. I always swore I wouldnt become like this. I hope I havent driven everyone off this thread.  :'(

[[Si...]]

Im sorry for all my complaining,  I really dont know what has become of me. I always swore I wouldnt become like this. I hope I havent driven everyone off this thread.  :'(

 

No way! And no need to apologize. That's the last thing you need to worry about. Especially here. This is the last group on earth that would judge you and give you a hard time for feeling bad and saying something about it. We've ALL been there on this board. Hope today is gong ok for you.

 

Sorry I haven't been posting much. Mainly because I'm feeling better and I'm now working more. I've picked up several freelance graphics jobs. So I go from my regular job, get home and do some chores and eat dinner. Then for a few hours I work on my freelance stuff. I'm finishing one paid job, and about to start another for the same client. Then I also have a free job I'm doing for my wife's school that she teaches at. They wanted a banner, so I'm nearly done with it.

[[Lo...]]

Im sorry for all my complaining,  I really dont know what has become of me. I always swore I wouldnt become like this. I hope I havent driven everyone off this thread.  :'(

 

No way! And no need to apologize. That's the last thing you need to worry about. Especially here. This is the last group on earth that would judge you and give you a hard time for feeling bad and saying something about it. We've ALL been there on this board. Hope today is gong ok for you.

 

Sorry I haven't been posting much. Mainly because I'm feeling better and I'm now working more. I've picked up several freelance graphics jobs. So I go from my regular job, get home and do some chores and eat dinner. Then for a few hours I work on my freelance stuff. I'm finishing one paid job, and about to start another for the same client. Then I also have a free job I'm doing for my wife's school that she teaches at. They wanted a banner, so I'm nearly done with it.

 

Like siggy said no need to apologise we are all there for you Marj and you most certainly didnt scare anyone off. I think the board has been quiet because there is some serious healing going on!

 

Siggy this is so f@#king good to hear mate! Im so happy to hear this as i know how relentlessly you have struggled. Ive pulled out of my wave and had a window although i was completely exhaused from the last few weeks and had a couch day. It was so good relaxing in a decent headspace and just tired instead of getting the old benzo smackdown.

[[...]]

Im sorry for all my complaining,  I really dont know what has become of me. I always swore I wouldnt become like this. I hope I havent driven everyone off this thread.  :'(

 

No way! And no need to apologize. That's the last thing you need to worry about. Especially here. This is the last group on earth that would judge you and give you a hard time for feeling bad and saying something about it. We've ALL been there on this board. Hope today is gong ok for you.

 

Sorry I haven't been posting much. Mainly because I'm feeling better and I'm now working more. I've picked up several freelance graphics jobs. So I go from my regular job, get home and do some chores and eat dinner. Then for a few hours I work on my freelance stuff. I'm finishing one paid job, and about to start another for the same client. Then I also have a free job I'm doing for my wife's school that she teaches at. They wanted a banner, so I'm nearly done with it.

 

Like siggy said no need to apologise we are all there for you Marj and you most certainly didnt scare anyone off. I think the board has been quiet because there is some serious healing going on!

 

Siggy this is so f@#king good to hear mate! Im so happy to hear this as i know how relentlessly you have struggled. Ive pulled out of my wave and had a window although i was completely exhaused from the last few weeks and had a couch day. It was so good relaxing in a decent headspace and just tired instead of getting the old benzo smackdown.

 

 

Thank you you two,  extra rough patch here,  you know the score.

 

Siggy you really are a testament to getting through this,  its incredible and Lockie you sound like youre on your way. I need more acceptance,  I just find it hard. Praying for even a small window to renew my hope. Had to phone sick,  which scares me. I have always dragged myself somehow 

 

[[bc...]]

Sorry, marj that you are going thru some very tough times.  Hoping that you turn that corner of complete healing real soon.  This road to recovery trip seems endless but it will end one day...hopefully soon.  You have come such a long way and you will get to the end....you will.

 

To all the other buddies......glad that some of you are seeing windows and are able to get on with life again..but sad that there are still some of us that are suffering thru the days, hoping and praying that we get a glimpse of life as it used to be....happy and healthy.

 

I haven't been posting much because I am in the trenches.....bad waves and no windows... have really been struggling trying to get thru these sxs that are blasting me 24/7....mental sxs are the worst....just want to feel like ''myself'' again and it it not there.....so hard to get thru the days feeling like a robot....and being tormented by the awful anxiety, panic, tremors and dp and the awful  physical pain in joints and muscles.

 

Sure hope we all see some major healing real soon........

[[sl...]]

Marj,

 

Sorry to hear all that.  I'm absolutely devastated.  I don't understand how things can improve for a bit and then completely fall apart right away... Again and again.  I've been in a constant wave since the beginning of April with very few short breaks from the terror.  Yesterday was one of those breaks.  Suddenly around lunchtime the depression and fatigue cleared and I had energy to clean house.  I helped my husband lift some things out of the shed and even took my daughters for a walk up the hill.  (Big deal, right?).  But it never fails to happen that as soon as I have a "happy" and productive day, I go to bed and have a SEVERE night of torture.  400+ shocks/etc last night... 1-2 hours sleep. I am so saddened by all of this.  I want to believe this ends for us all, but I'm struggling to keep that hope alive.  There is SO MUCH I want to do in my life!!!  I have the resources to travel, start a business, volunteer at my daughters school, throw birthday parties, etc... But I cannot do any of these things!  I'm 36 and I feel like my life is over.  Just a shell going through the motions to keep my kids fed and happy. 

 

Sorry I'm venting too.  This is not fair to any of us.  We need these idiotic docs to pay for our suffering! 

[[al...]]

Im sorry for all my complaining,  I really dont know what has become of me. I always swore I wouldnt become like this. I hope I havent driven everyone off this thread.  :'(

 

No way! And no need to apologize. That's the last thing you need to worry about. Especially here. This is the last group on earth that would judge you and give you a hard time for feeling bad and saying something about it. We've ALL been there on this board. Hope today is gong ok for you.

 

Sorry I haven't been posting much. Mainly because I'm feeling better and I'm now working more. I've picked up several freelance graphics jobs. So I go from my regular job, get home and do some chores and eat dinner. Then for a few hours I work on my freelance stuff. I'm finishing one paid job, and about to start another for the same client. Then I also have a free job I'm doing for my wife's school that she teaches at. They wanted a banner, so I'm nearly done with it.

 

Siggy,

It is very good to hear that things are finally turning around for you. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this last wave was the final wave (sounded more like a tsunami).

[[Si...]]

Im sorry for all my complaining,  I really dont know what has become of me. I always swore I wouldnt become like this. I hope I havent driven everyone off this thread.  :'(

 

No way! And no need to apologize. That's the last thing you need to worry about. Especially here. This is the last group on earth that would judge you and give you a hard time for feeling bad and saying something about it. We've ALL been there on this board. Hope today is gong ok for you.

 

Sorry I haven't been posting much. Mainly because I'm feeling better and I'm now working more. I've picked up several freelance graphics jobs. So I go from my regular job, get home and do some chores and eat dinner. Then for a few hours I work on my freelance stuff. I'm finishing one paid job, and about to start another for the same client. Then I also have a free job I'm doing for my wife's school that she teaches at. They wanted a banner, so I'm nearly done with it.

 

Siggy,

It is very good to hear that things are finally turning around for you. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this last wave was the final wave (sounded more like a tsunami).

 

Thanks aloha! I think if I avoid alcohol from now on, I should stay in good shape.

 

Sorry about the sleep issues still sleepless. I know how much it sucks. Glad you were able to take your daughters for a walk.

[[St...]]

I haven't been posting cos I'm in the just hit 30 months camp and don't feel any better than I did a year ago 😤

 

Surviving not living right now 😡

 

Sleep gone to shit

Toxic shock all day

Brain zaps

Extreme fatigue all caused by the nervous system dysfunction

 

Been making my diet more and more restricted thinking it might be to do with what I'm consuming but my diet has just got ridiculous now, so starting to eat a bit more irregardless of the reaction.

 

Can't believe this shit 💩

 

Could really do with some advice on the food reaction thing, I'm reacting to so many foods still. An hour after I eat them I get increased anxiety, light and sound sensitivity and heart palpitations. Didn't have any of this before quitting benzos 😠

[[...]]

Sorry stuck,  hang in there. Complain away,  some people get hit really hard mentally and physically with this, and its best to get it out and reach out. Thank God for the genuinely kind,  compassionate people here that have come and gone on this group. This really is the safest place/group on this site and Im glad I dont need to venture from here. Read some really nasty, awful stuff today, won't be doing that again. At least everyone here is kind and non judgemental. A blessing to the horribleness of this.

 

Its not forever stuck, and I know it feels it. Every 'normal' person feels the same. Try to remember you've done the bulk and it wont be long till you can leave this all behind and get on with the life that is on hold for now. We all have stuff we would rather be doing and one day we will.  For now just survive and get through coz you will,  we all will. We manage this in our own way,  just so long as we do is all that matters.

 

My day has been a little better today, not great by a long stretch. Fatigue is crippling but another day done. Had bloods done, which is an ordeal in itself. Done now and I saw the results from last time and they were totally fine then so not expecting them to be off. Blood pressure excellent! All this is from being freaked out from other people. Anyway hopefully all is well.

[[so...]]

Marj,

 

Great post.  Even though your words were to Stuck, I always get something valuable from all the posts written.  We "regulars" on the 18-30 month thread have good hearts and loads of compassion that never depletes.  We should all be able to share how we feel without being judged.

 

I feel blech today, but tomorrow it all could be gone. 

 

Love you all, Sofa

[[pa...]]

I haven't been posting cos I'm in the just hit 30 months camp and don't feel any better than I did a year ago 😤

 

Surviving not living right now 😡

 

Sleep gone to shit

Toxic shock all day

Brain zaps

Extreme fatigue all caused by the nervous system dysfunction

 

Been making my diet more and more restricted thinking it might be to do with what I'm consuming but my diet has just got ridiculous now, so starting to eat a bit more irregardless of the reaction.

 

Can't believe this shit 💩

 

Could really do with some advice on the food reaction thing, I'm reacting to so many foods still. An hour after I eat them I get increased anxiety, light and sound sensitivity and heart palpitations. Didn't have any of this before quitting benzos 😠

 

Hi Stuck,

 

It's Pattylu, I've been supporting Sofa for sometime.  What you are describing is classic with the blood sugar.  It might not be the particular item of food you are reacting to, it could be how you are balancing proteins vs carbs.  Can you post what you are eating per meal daily.  Give us some idea.  I'm sure I can help you a lot with this.  The only thing that helps keep the blood sugar in better alignment during this rotten journey, is food, balancing them correctly.  I hope you will post and give some info.  I'll check tomorrow and let's see if we can get things better settled for you.  Hugs, Pattylu