18 - 30 Month Plus Group

[[...]]

Thank you Siggy and Marj,

 

You are so strong, even when I'm not.  Yesterday I got hit with a bad case of DP/DR?  I don't really know what to call it.  Even though my physical symptoms are quieting down, there is this complete disconnection I feel.  My body goes through the motions of walking, cooking, talking on the phone ...existing...every day, but it stops there.  It's not seamless.  I am aware every minute that I am not me.  It's like I'm in there somewhere, maybe, but I am an empty shell, just a breathing "organism," not a person.  I can't seem to be part of the flow of life.  I'm merely walking onstage like an actor in a play.  This is not living.  I tried really hard to remember the way I was before this all happened.  Just waking up to my alarm, showering, going to work, shopping, walking my sweet dogs twice a day, visiting my family, drinking wine and chatting with neighbors, watching TV, falling asleep.  What was awful about trying to remember how I used to be was that it feels like all those activities happened to someone else and maybe it wasn't me at all.  Maybe this is who I am and always was.  This empty shell of a human being.  I can't remember life being seamless and easy.  I am always thinking now...thoughts and a mind always racing...I don't remember being like this before.  I just lived.  My mind wasn't constantly in hyperdrive, was it?  I can't remember just simply driving to the store, or looking at clothes, or walking through the mall, or grabbing a bite to eat, with no thoughts at all.  Why does my mind always KEEP THINKING?  Why do I have to always tell myself I'm okay?  Why do I have to constantly reassure myself that Im healing and this will all go away?  I'm just so tired.

 

I hope I'm not alone in my feelings.  Lie to me, if I am.  Ha.

 

Love you all, Sofa

 

 

 

100% could have written this word for word. No lie at all sofa dearest. I'm feeling like i'm going to face plant right now. This too shall pass.

[[sl...]]

MTfan,

 

It was some sleep forum for people with my issues.  Wordpress format... No moderators... Only 10 or so active people.  4 of them are huge jerks.  2 of them are women who reacted to meds, severely, but really show no interest in my story.  They would prefer to keep drugging themselves.  Wow. 

 

I'm glad that you've been getting more sleep lately, even if its broken.  I slept 4 hours last night and got no sleep after 3am.  No sleep after  3am has been typical for me.  I have this horrible rush of energy and then the spasms and jerks kick in.  I will get up to use the bathroom and walk there feeling like I've been hit by a bus.  It's never ending torture.  I was laying there this morning trying to figure out what this feels like (at 3am)... It feels like I'm one of those hot rods with a powerful engine, with the engine on, sitting in park.  You know how those engines will rev up when the gas pedal isn't being touched?  That me.  My body is laying still, but I have this constant flow of bad energy and then out of nowhere, I will suddenly surge, spasm or jerk.  I want to be an electric car again.  Quiet and still when turned on in park.  Anyway, I'm so sick of this.  The nausea was so intense this morning.  Do you have any of these symptoms?  Or do you wake up feeling peaceful? 

 

[[Si...]]

MTfan,

 

It was some sleep forum for people with my issues.  Wordpress format... No moderators... Only 10 or so active people.  4 of them are huge jerks.  2 of them are women who reacted to meds, severely, but really show no interest in my story.  They would prefer to keep drugging themselves.  Wow. 

 

I'm glad that you've been getting more sleep lately, even if its broken.  I slept 4 hours last night and got no sleep after 3am.  No sleep after  3am has been typical for me.  I have this horrible rush of energy and then the spasms and jerks kick in.  I will get up to use the bathroom and walk there feeling like I've been hit by a bus.  It's never ending torture.  I was laying there this morning trying to figure out what this feels like (at 3am)... It feels like I'm one of those hot rods with a powerful engine, with the engine on, sitting in park.  You know how those engines will rev up when the gas pedal isn't being touched?  That me.  My body is laying still, but I have this constant flow of bad energy and then out of nowhere, I will suddenly surge, spasm or jerk.  I want to be an electric car again.  Quiet and still when turned on in park.  Anyway, I'm so sick of this.  The nausea was so intense this morning.  Do you have any of these symptoms?  Or do you wake up feeling peaceful?

 

Wow, that sucks to be on a forum for support and just be surrounded by assholes. Who needs that crap?

 

I had all of these symptoms not too long ago. I'd wake up nauseated and just feeling as terrible as I've ever felt. Laying in bed was not relaxing at all. Now that I'm feeling better, I wake up and don't want to get out of bed. I know it sucks and I don't know why it's taking so long to even out for you. But I think it will at some point. I only occasionally wake up at 3 or 4 in the morning, but I'm falling right back to deep sleep with no problem now. It was only 4 or 5 weeks ago that I was averaging 1–3 hours a night. So it can turn around rather quickly.

[[sl...]]

Thanks siggy.  I'm so glad you are optimistic again.  I was feeling so bad for you having to do this again... But you survived!  Were the symptoms I just described something you had for a long time?  Or did they only become a problem after the alcohol? 

 

I miss the days when I would wake after 8-10 hours sleep and daydream about fun things.  I would climb out of bed between 7-8am hungry and ready to tackle the day.  None of those things happen now... Just fear, dread and agony. 

 

Yep, that forum is nuts.  One lady wanted to know if people healed from this.  I gave her several examples and told her to join bb if she wants see for herself.  She ignored my message.  And then I got an earful from the a-holes.  One of them advised the rest to ignore me.  I'm called a nut job... And if those people think I am  nuts, then I can't imagine what "regular" (healthy) strangers think of my story! 

[[bc...]]

To all the buddies here......I can relate to everything that all of you have posted...feel so bad that we all have to suffer so much.......I think I am in a wave, that is in a wave and is in another wave......how much worse can things get.

 

Sofa....what you posted about the DP/DR and feeling like an empty shell....I can really relate to all of that.....everything you said is what I am going thru and then add in the fear, anger and irritability.....I go to do something that I have always done and I go thru the motion but the feeling of ME is not there...NOTHING....feel like a robot....and the neg. looping thoughts that are always swirling in the mind.....Oh how I would love some peace and calm....want my life back.....makes me so angry that a prescription drug has robbed me of a life.... I was happy and healthy before all of this and now I am nothing.  I don`t think I have anymore strength to keep going....every day is the same torture and every night is a nightmare......

 

Any bit of stress sends all sxs thru the roof  and feels like you have gone back to square one.....can't handle any type of stress at all.....when does this all end.

 

Hoping and praying that we all get some healing real soon......at least to give us some hope to keep going.....hugs to all.....

[[mr...]]

Gang, hang in there.

 

From 24-36 months, and from 36-48 months, can be more of "the trenches".  But one thing is for sure: there is healing happening through it all.  I don't know why we feel the way we do, but we do.  It's odd, but like Nova said: "It is what it is, until it isn't."  So true for us - it WILL pass, it just takes time.

 

Jen -- I agree with everyone in that you had "life" happen, and you handled it well.  I get the "delayed reaction" a lot of times as well, so I don't think what you're experiencing is uncommon (although uncomfortable).  Resolve in your mind that you are gonna take this beastie DOWN! :)   YOU are stronger than this wave.  You've had many, many other waves during this process, and although they all screamed at you at the time that "You won't make it!!" Guess what?!?!  You're STILL HERE.  BenzoBeast is WRONG. EVERY. time.   Love you girl.  You're doing an AMAZING job of handling yourself through it all   Keep on, sista.

 

One day at a time, friends.  We CAN do this

 

On a side note, happy Cinco de Mayo!

 

Mrs.

[[Lo...]]

Sorry i cant reply to everyone at the moment i just dont have the mental capacity to do so. This nearly acute wave is raping my soul. 1st day acute anxiety 2nd day bad fatigue and today the same. Just so brutal after such a strong window. I was sure i this was it. Im keeping strong knowing i was feeling the best i have yet but the higher you get the harder the fall i guess.

 

Does anyone get pissed off reading success stories of these people on high doses for years rapid tapering healed in 8 - 12 months? Success stories dont even help me anymore. Its either people healed way before us on high doses or 5 year + healing stories.

 

Just makes me feel so hopeless and angry

[[...]]

Sorry i cant reply to everyone at the moment i just dont have the mental capacity to do so. This nearly acute wave is raping my soul. 1st day acute anxiety 2nd day bad fatigue and today the same. Just so brutal after such a strong window. I was sure i this was it. Im keeping strong knowing i was feeling the best i have yet but the higher you get the harder the fall i guess.

 

Does anyone get pissed off reading success stories of these people on high doses for years rapid tapering healed in 8 - 12 months? Success stories dont even help me anymore. Its either people healed way before us on high doses or 5 year + healing stories.

 

Just makes me feel so hopeless and angry

 

Oh Lockie,  I could have written your post too,  apart from the strong window bit. I felt relatively normal thursday late evening,  then worse again. I am sleeping better but still massively fatigued,  could not get out of bed today,  well I have but its late. Right now Im again convinced I have MS as I am head to toe,  literally in spasm and so heavy. I was never this physically bad in the beginning idk. Success stories do nothing for me too. The only one I find comfort from is PJ,  I can tell what a genuine soul he is.  There are a couple of others but not recently. Yes those you mention,  I do now have a tendancy to think go **** yourself,  no point lying lol.

 

I too dont have the mental capacity to write anymore,  apart from much love to all my fellow warriors here. 

[[Lo...]]

Sorry i cant reply to everyone at the moment i just dont have the mental capacity to do so. This nearly acute wave is raping my soul. 1st day acute anxiety 2nd day bad fatigue and today the same. Just so brutal after such a strong window. I was sure i this was it. Im keeping strong knowing i was feeling the best i have yet but the higher you get the harder the fall i guess.

 

Does anyone get pissed off reading success stories of these people on high doses for years rapid tapering healed in 8 - 12 months? Success stories dont even help me anymore. Its either people healed way before us on high doses or 5 year + healing stories.

 

Just makes me feel so hopeless and angry

 

Oh Lockie,  I could have written your post too,  apart from the strong window bit. I felt relatively normal thursday late evening,  then worse again. I am sleeping better but still massively fatigued,  could not get out of bed today,  well I have but its late. Right now Im again convinced I have MS as I am head to toe,  literally in spasm and so heavy. I was never this physically bad in the beginning idk. Success stories do nothing for me too. The only one I find comfort from is PJ,  I can tell what a genuine soul he is.  There are a couple of others but not recently. Yes those you mention,  I do now have a tendancy to think go **** yourself,  no point lying lol.

 

I too dont have the mental capacity to write anymore,  apart from much love to all my fellow warriors here. 

 

Thanks Marj. Thanks for sitting in the trenches with me. I dont know your position but i have heard over and over again if you didnt have that type of issue before WD you wont have it after. Its just hard to believe this crap can go for so long ..... but it does. So many success stories 5 + years out. I start thinking these things too but then i remember i was a strong , fit and healthy underground miner working 12 hour shifts no sweat before this shit.

 

If you didnt have MS before you dont have it now. Have you had all the tests done? This could help with the anxiety.

 

The fatigue was better than yesterday but still bad. I had bad  apathy and depression today. Just couldnt peel my busted ass off the couch. Cant wait for bedtime and sleep into a fresh start tomorrow. Couldnt give the world enough middle fingers today, played xbox for 10 hours straight. Everytime i stood up i was like "nope" and sat back down.

 

Fuck it. Fresh start tomorrow. I had some epic good days not so long ago and there is more to come.

 

 

[[...]]

Sorry i cant reply to everyone at the moment i just dont have the mental capacity to do so. This nearly acute wave is raping my soul. 1st day acute anxiety 2nd day bad fatigue and today the same. Just so brutal after such a strong window. I was sure i this was it. Im keeping strong knowing i was feeling the best i have yet but the higher you get the harder the fall i guess.

 

Does anyone get pissed off reading success stories of these people on high doses for years rapid tapering healed in 8 - 12 months? Success stories dont even help me anymore. Its either people healed way before us on high doses or 5 year + healing stories.

 

Just makes me feel so hopeless and angry

 

Oh Lockie,  I could have written your post too,  apart from the strong window bit. I felt relatively normal thursday late evening,  then worse again. I am sleeping better but still massively fatigued,  could not get out of bed today,  well I have but its late. Right now Im again convinced I have MS as I am head to toe,  literally in spasm and so heavy. I was never this physically bad in the beginning idk. Success stories do nothing for me too. The only one I find comfort from is PJ,  I can tell what a genuine soul he is.  There are a couple of others but not recently. Yes those you mention,  I do now have a tendancy to think go **** yourself,  no point lying lol.

 

I too dont have the mental capacity to write anymore,  apart from much love to all my fellow warriors here. 

 

Thanks Marj. Thanks for sitting in the trenches with me. I dont know your position but i have heard over and over again if you didnt have that type of issue before WD you wont have it after. Its just hard to believe this crap can go for so long ..... but it does. So many success stories 5 + years out. I start thinking these things too but then i remember i was a strong , fit and healthy underground miner working 12 hour shifts no sweat before this shit.

 

If you didnt have MS before you dont have it now. Have you had all the tests done? This could help with the anxiety.

 

The fatigue was better than yesterday but still bad. I had bad  apathy and depression today. Just couldnt peel my busted ass off the couch. Cant wait for bedtime and sleep into a fresh start tomorrow. Couldnt give the world enough middle fingers today, played xbox for 10 hours straight. Everytime i stood up i was like "nope" and sat back down.

 

Fuck it. Fresh start tomorrow. I had some epic good days not so long ago and there is more to come.

 

Nope Lockie,  never had anything like this. Really independent,  vibrant before. Ive had some difficult times like most but come through. I dont know how they test for MS and Ive heard of people being diagnosed in wd,  for it to go away. If you go to docs they put everything down to anxiety,

idiots . I had to beg for a thyroid test and then found out they are unreliable. Just have to wait it out,  although something I ask what am I waiting for? Rabbit hole opens up then and I have to remind myself Ive kept my job so far as much as a utter struggle it is. Im just exhausted.

 

You'll get your good days again,  you have to hang on to that,  I know its so hard. We are all so different,  it would be much easier if we werent then compairing would be helpful.

 

My eyes are so bad today,  feels like I have vaseline in them ugh!

[[bc...]]

My dear buddies.....I so agree with you, Lockie and marj.......success stories are not doing it for me.....I try to find some that will resonate with me and my sxs but there are just a few and I hang on to those.....but this whole wd process is the pits.  No other illness has this kind of roller coaster healing and it is awful.  I, too was happy and healthy before these drugs....and now have all these sxs and have no idea how to get thru each day....The minute my eyes open the sxs are there...and the dp gets so bad...so hard to live like this day in and day out.  Now I have plugged ears....makes me feel like I am going deaf and my throat has been so dry and hoarse and I have lost my voice.  Have never had any of this or any of the sxs that I am going thru before these drugs.....I am in tears every day.  Just want my life back.

 

Hope we all see some healing real soon........hugs to all.

[[...]]

Bcalm,  keep at at,  you've come a long way. I hear the suffering you are going through,  but it cant be for nothing. We will go back to better versions of what we were before. I know once recovery from this is evident,  I will not complain about much again. Im already shocked at how people lash out at others and that's before my recovery. So there can only be true goodness for the soul in such an experience. I think we will learn to let things go. I know its hard right now. 

[[bc...]]

Thansk, marj for your kind words.  This is such a difficult journey....not knowing what will hit you thru the day and am so tired of trying to cope with all these sxs....Just want to feel like myself....want some peace and calm in my mind and body and there isn`t any.  How I long for my life back.  I, too, will never complain about much, either.  This is so far from the life I had and hope and pray that someday....SOON....it will all be back.

 

Hope things get better for you as the day goes on......hugs

[[so...]]

Marj, Lockie and Bcalm,

 

Wow to all your posts!  I'm so glad you mentioned all your symptoms and your feelings about the success stories on the forum.  The early healing stories just make me sick to my stomach.  The long term healing stories make me want to jump off a cliff.

 

Bcalm, I have the plugged ears.  They went away for months, only to return a couple of weeks ago.  Discouraging, to say the least.  And to top it all off, for a couple of months, every morning at 7am, when I would walk down my hallway,  I would get this faint beeping in my ears.  It sounded like it was coming from the outside, so I replaced the battery in my smoke alarm.  Nope.  Still got the 7-7:30am faint beeping.  Only lasted a few minutes, but happened every morning for two months.  You can't make this shit up.  You know how I know it was Withdrawal?  It stopped three days ago.

 

I swam in a pool with heavy chlorine on Tuesday.  I'm dealing with my usual flare up from chemical exposure now.  Nerve pain in my right middle toe all day yesterday.  Back and forth surging episodes, one minute apart, that lasted about an hour each episode and really nailed me in the evening.  Took two Tylenol, put on my compression sock and laid on a heating pad.  It stopped and I fell asleep.  No pain yet today.  Weird huh?

 

Sofa

[[bc...]]

sofa.....sorry to hear you also had the plugged ears.....this is so ''criminal'' what these drugs have done.  There isn`t any part of our minds and bodies that has not been affected in some way.  I may get the ears and throat checked out just to be sure that there is nothing going on there.....I thought my dry throat and hoarse throat might be from all the crying and hyperventilating that I have been doing, but then hubby has been complaining of the same...and he is not in wd......so it might be a virus or something....will see what happens thru the weekend..

 

We all need some big breaks .......hoping that some come along real soon..........hugs to all.....

[[Si...]]

Thanks siggy.  I'm so glad you are optimistic again.  I was feeling so bad for you having to do this again... But you survived!  Were the symptoms I just described something you had for a long time?  Or did they only become a problem after the alcohol? 

 

I miss the days when I would wake after 8-10 hours sleep and daydream about fun things.  I would climb out of bed between 7-8am hungry and ready to tackle the day.  None of those things happen now... Just fear, dread and agony. 

 

Yep, that forum is nuts.  One lady wanted to know if people healed from this.  I gave her several examples and told her to join bb if she wants see for herself.  She ignored my message.  And then I got an earful from the a-holes.  One of them advised the rest to ignore me.  I'm called a nut job... And if those people think I am  nuts, then I can't imagine what "regular" (healthy) strangers think of my story!

 

Yeah they came back after the alcohol. Felt fine for a year before that. Sleep problems were terrible for the first month, but the really bad symptoms didn't show up until the second month. That lasted for three months until it just cleared up. So about 4 months total for this setback.

 

In all honesty I really don't care much what other people think about me and this situation. Especially other people taking these drugs that are having problems but refuse to believe it's caused by them. Way back when I was first coming off this crap, I had a friend on FB that said he was having anxiety and sleep problems. So I warned him about taking these drugs. Then some girl that I don't even  know that is friends with him went on a tirade against me. She spewed some crap about taking some classes in college and had read a bunch of books and how much these drugs help people. My only response was that one day she'd see how wrong she was.

 

Bhealthy, I had very bad dry mouth as well. Could it be allergies?

[[MT...]]

MTfan,

 

It was some sleep forum for people with my issues.  Wordpress format... No moderators... Only 10 or so active people.  4 of them are huge jerks.  2 of them are women who reacted to meds, severely, but really show no interest in my story.  They would prefer to keep drugging themselves.  Wow. 

 

I'm glad that you've been getting more sleep lately, even if its broken.  I slept 4 hours last night and got no sleep after 3am.  No sleep after  3am has been typical for me.  I have this horrible rush of energy and then the spasms and jerks kick in.  I will get up to use the bathroom and walk there feeling like I've been hit by a bus.  It's never ending torture.  I was laying there this morning trying to figure out what this feels like (at 3am)... It feels like I'm one of those hot rods with a powerful engine, with the engine on, sitting in park.  You know how those engines will rev up when the gas pedal isn't being touched?  That me.  My body is laying still, but I have this constant flow of bad energy and then out of nowhere, I will suddenly surge, spasm or jerk.  I want to be an electric car again.  Quiet and still when turned on in park.  Anyway, I'm so sick of this.  The nausea was so intense this morning.  Do you have any of these symptoms?  Or do you wake up feeling peaceful?

 

Sleepless,

 

That's really disturbing what happened to you on that forum. We're fortunate that we can come here and be in a supportive environment. The occasional problems are manageable-none of us are at our best right now.

 

You go through some serious misery but I admire how you're marching onward. From what I can see you're making some progress but probably feel it's so slow you'd lose a race to an inchworm! Facing the morning when you feel terrible and have barely tasted sleep is exceptionally difficult. I always feel horrible when I finally give up and get up. I don't have the spasms and jerks but I used to have the racing engine thing and nausea. Now it's body wide pain and stiffness, incredible heaviness/fatigue, weakness and just this cruddy feeling that I can't quite describe. An "oh s#$* how do I face another day?" feeling with a side order of despair. I've learned if I just go ahead and get up and try to do a few things it eases up some by late morning or noon. I don't ever feel good but it's not quite as intensely bad. I'm having longer bouts of this super light broken sleep than I was but rarely more than 6 hours and that kind of sleep just isn't restful. When I start to freak out I remind myself of a couple of months ago when most nights were zero sleep or minutes only at a time and that went on for a very long time. So if this amount of progress can happen I have to believe that more can happen. So look out inchworm, I may pass you one day. We all will. Inchworms beware!

 

:smitten: MT

[[sl...]]

Siggy,

 

Yep... Trying hard to brush off the criticism (especially from complete strangers).  Thanks for sharing your sleep details.

 

Mtfan

 

It's such a drag to feel as low as we do and then to be treated this way for trying to help someone.  I was never bullied growing up, but now i understand the emotional hell that teens go through when bullied online.  This was a lesson for me... Keep my kids off of social media/forums! Glad I didn't have them when I was growing up. 

 

I slept from 11:00-1:00 last night.  Worst night in the past week.  Since April, I'm getting 2-5 hours sleep... It's just not enough.  I need at least 5 to feel well enough to do things.  So, I'm stuck on my couch right now, tissues in hand and exhausted from little sleep and rocking back and forth from 3am-8am to avoid the shocks and jerks.  Every part of my head (especially eyes) burns so badly and and my heart feels like its on the verge of a heart attack.  The inchworm is definitely winning this race because I don't think I've even left the starting line. 

 

I am so happy things are improving for you, Especially if you were still having zero sleep not very long ago. Do you think the amytriptiline caused a setback in healing? I wish I knew if mirtazipine delayed healing for me. 

 

[[Lo...]]

Hi guys. Damn Sleepless and MT fan that sounds nasty not getting limited sleep fot months on end. Hope you get some soon.

 

Its 2:30am and im staring at the ceiling wondering where my broken brain is going to take me today. I went to a very scary place yesterday of complete psychosis. To be honest murder and suicide were running rampant in my mind and i felt like i was holding on by a thread. I could feel my brain misfiring and the obsessive looping thoughts of finding my uncle (who gave me the valium and now has run for the hills) and beating him to death seemed a viable thing to do.

 

I felt so numb and the DP was off the chart. I felt nothing towards my wife and faithful dog who were both trying to hug me and show support all day and have been my anchors through this whole clusterfuck of an experience , all i could do was tell them both to leave me alone.

 

I have had this psychosis happen before in the early days but i thought was long gone. This was a terrifying experience and must be how people with manic depression feel when they crash.

 

Really hoping for better days. Cant believe after such a strong window i ended up here. I could have sworn i was about to be healed

[[bc...]]

Lockie.....so sorry that you are going thru this.....this journey is so unpredictable....never know what the next hour will bring....Hang on...you have had a good window before....you will have it again.  I know it is disheartening when you have had that taste of normal life to be thrown into the pits of H***.  I have never had a 100% clear window, but even times when sxs are a bit less severe....and you are slammed by unbearable sxs...it is so devastating....seems like there is no end to the suffering.

 

Somehow we will get thru this mess......just have to hang on till then.......hugs

 

 

[[Si...]]

Very sorry about this Lockie. I've found that sometimes it got really bad right before a big healing spurt. Hopefully it will turn around soon for you. I had a lot of hate for the people that did this to me.  I do realize a lot of them don't know any better. I'm angrier at the system that perpetuates this crap and suppresses the truth.

[[MT...]]

 

I slept from 11:00-1:00 last night.  Worst night in the past week.  Since April, I'm getting 2-5 hours sleep... It's just not enough.  I need at least 5 to feel well enough to do things.  So, I'm stuck on my couch right now, tissues in hand and exhausted from little sleep and rocking back and forth from 3am-8am to avoid the shocks and jerks.  Every part of my head (especially eyes) burns so badly and and my heart feels like its on the verge of a heart attack.  The inchworm is definitely winning this race because I don't think I've even left the starting line. 

 

I am so happy things are improving for you, Especially if you were still having zero sleep not very long ago. Do you think the amytriptiline caused a setback in healing? I wish I knew if mirtazipine delayed healing for me.

 

Sleepless,

 

That's certainly not enough sleep to feel well or function much. It's so odd that it's even survivable but I have so much time under my belt of living that way that I know it is. So. Hard.

 

I think it's possible I experienced some setback from Amitriptyline but I think the larger issue was that I never slept without drugs for over 28 years. I tapered off a bunch of drugs, got off benzos but then, for sanity's sake, I was taking amit. 3-4 nights a week and those were the only nights I slept. It just is taking a long time for my brain to remember how to sleep at all after all of that.

 

Please don't beat yourself up for the mitz. You didn't do this to yourself. We'll never know what causes the extreme reactions in some of us. All we can do is make the best decisions we can, survive, and be kind to ourselves.

 

MT

[[Lo...]]

Hi Becalm and Siggy.

 

Thanks for the support. I know thats some heavy stuff i layed down earlier but i needed to vent. Today the depression is still bad but not psychotic like yesterday. That was scary stuff and i hope i never end up in that hole again.

 

I still feel like my brain is broken and the guilt and shame is killing me. I dont know why i feel this way but add dizzyness and cottonbrains to the mix its been a pretty average day to say the least.  I should be proud of how far i have come but just cant get past these feelings right now.

 

Thanks for listening buddies you really are my lifeline

[[...]]

So sorry Lockie, this is beyond cruel and totally unbelievable, hang in there, I know that’s hard to do.. I wasn’t going to post as I’m sick of complaining, however I feel exactly the same as you. I feel I’m barely keeping my head above water and it’s not like I don’t try. I phoned the Dr’s this morning as I’m starting to be convinced I have something seriously wrong, someone suggested there maybe an underlying condition because I’m so far out, and I was freaking.  I couldn’t get an appt! I’m seriously at breaking point and never thought it would come to this. I was so much more positive in the beginning. New symptoms are cropping up like burning knees, burning mouth, throat and lungs. Could hardly breathe last night, and this is on top of the other stuff. I try to distract, use all the coping skills I’ve learnt, I made myself do some planting yesterday with a body that was so rigid and painful. I don’t know what to do anymore, everything triggers me. I’m at the point where if I’m terminal, then please get it over with.  I’m at work but can’t think and sobbed all the way here. Sorry for the self pity, but like lockie I need to vent.

[[so...]]

Lockie and Marj,

 

The rabbit holes we fall into are scary.  Crawling out of them is exhausting.  Looking around and not being able to see where the rest of them are hidden, or how deep and menacing they are, is part of what makes this so frightening.  When we feel better during windows, none of this fear exists.  At times, in the evenings, I even forget the difficulties of earlier in the day. 

 

Lockie, you've had a symptom reemerge that was long gone.  It is unsettling and disturbing, to say the least.  This happened to me many times.  Even if the intensity seems the same to you, maybe you can hone in on the fact that the duration of the symptom decreased from a week to maybe a day or two.  There's always some "difference" you can detect if you try because your body has been healing all along, every single minute of every single day.  I always tell myself that, apparently, there is more repairing that needs to be done and my body is "finishing it up." 

 

Remember that healing is non-linear.  It is easy to forget this as time goes on, for some reason.  We keep reverting back to our lifelong memories of normal linear healing because, face it, we've experienced life-long linear healing a hell of a lot longer than this non-linear shit.  Instead of our bodies finding something in need of repair, digging in and fixing it until its healed, it finds something wrong, fixes it partially, then gets distracted when another part of our brain gets its attention, and it drops the current job to partially fix something else.  It's like we have an ADD or ADHD healing system.  Ha!  Another thing to keep in mind was brought up in Parker's letter.  Sometimes, in reconstructing one area of the brain, the reconstruction throws off kilter a different area that now needs immediate attention.  Our bodies are designed to keep us alive and they work on a "priority basis."  Survival first.  This back and forth partial fixing method seems illogical to us.  Well, the brain seems like it's not completely and seamlessly logical right now, but it IS when you realize its top priority is OUR SURVIVAL. 

 

Lockie, your little visit down Psychosis Lane was nothing more than your body going back and taking care of unfinished business.  You will probably never get this again or, if you do, it will present in a much milder form.  At least that's what I have seen happen many times with me.

 

Marj, Ian always says it is much more common for this journey to be tough all the way through to the end, rather than get these wide open temporary windows of normalcy off and on.  Those of us who suffer with no windows are the norm, not the exception.  If suffering is a sign that our bodies are repairing something, then we may COMPLETELY heal sooner and never have to look over our shoulders again.  When we get to the end, maybe it will actually BE OVER.  We are so far out in the healing process that eventually our bodies will run out of things to repair.  We will completely heal and the rest of our lives we will be in healthy "maintenance mode."

 

Love to all,

 

Sofa