Post Benzo Freedom Withdrawal Support Group

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Rumi, it sure sounds like you are going to get it done this time. You have everything in place. And most of all I'm hearing positive, life affirming thoughts from you. Yeah!

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ginia...Just want you to know that I have also been having a number of symptoms (anxiety, tinnitus, inner trembling, fatigue, weird pains)

which have been cycling up and down all day long.

I might feel fairly OK in the early morning, and then crappy 15 minutes later.  Our systems are extremely sensitive right now.

Of course, I want to believe that our central nervous systems are just trying to learn to cope.

 

All...As far as exercise, I know it's essential, but I just want to mention I think anyone going thru this process should begin exercising very slowly until you know it is OK.

I have had 2 episodes when the day after exercise, I developed some painful muscle issues. 

Prior to w/d, muscle pain healed very quickly...but not so much now.

 

leena...I certainly understand the work thing.  It's really tough.  And the pillow issue?...I have to arrange mine so that I can't feel my

heartbeat (I sleep on either my side or stomach), or it revs me up.

 

bill...Thanks so much for the continuous feedback and encouragement.  Hope is a very good thing, and what is the alternative, anyway?

-David

 

 

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Thanks Bill...always good to get feedback.

[[ve...]]

Thank you Bill for that great post.  Yes, we all took a benzo for a reason and that "pre benzo" reason may still be around after benzos!  We may not often look at the psychological impact like you mentioned, mostly focusing on the more obvious physical side effects that might still plague some of us.   Once there is no little blue or green or orange pill to mask emotions, we can have strong reactions to stressful situations or people.  New coping skills may need to be addressed as Rumi suggested. And while we may see windows, it may get slammed in our face when the next stressful thing happens.  Processing through some of the psychological baggage might also help to move on.  I keep reading around the forum that people "just want their old selves back", but maybe it's a new self that needs to be discovered, one that is better off benzos and stronger than the pre benzo shadow of the former self.  By the way, I started a thread called "Why did you ever take a benzo?" where I've posted some of my reflections on this topic.

 

Best,

 

V (no more)

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V, yes that idea of wanting my old self back reminds me of the saying "You can never step in the same river twice". So when we are healed we have also grown from the experience. I think i wrote somewhere that benzo wd is one of the best things that could have happened to me - it woke me up to huge aspects of my life i've taken for granted as always being there ( I think that just because it's one of the worst things that has happened, one of the most uncomfortable, unpleasant, doesn't mean it can't be one of the 'best' also from a certain vantage point ). Like I saw you write somewhere on another thread, we're exactly where we need to be. Though we fight that idea, and for good reason.

[[tr...]]

Im almost 9 months bezo free now and am still suffering from INSOMNIA and FATIGUE!! just curious if i am going thru normal healing phases !! i was on a low dose to sum but a huge dose to me (0.5mg clonazepam ) for 18 months and it seems like it made me worse than before the pill!! i was literally down on the couch or in bed for the 85% of the time !! i can say now that im off, i try to get out more an exercise more !! but i get so winded an fatigued fast !!! is it because im healing or because ive been layed out an not active for so long?? or both?? i feel im healing but, its a task just to stay standing for a long period of time still !! my anxiety hits an misses a lil lesser now days !! thast a beautiful thing !! its just the Fatigue an Insomnia im dealing with @ 9 months off !! can Anyone relate?  am i still in need of time to get back stronger physically an mentally?? it has got better tho since the last day i took that pill ! just want to hear anyones advice !! thank u !!

[[gi...]]

Bill - great philosophy and attitude!

 

Everyone - Re: exercise, fatigue, etc. It appears that while early in post withdrawal it's important to pace yourself. Those good moments, windows, whatever, all feel so wonderful; you've been down/sick/hurting and/or tired for so long, that when you feel good you just want to get out and DO! Make up for lost time! However: And I think I speak for everyone who's been there when I say this: take it easy. Do not push yourself. If you don't, chances are you'll end up "paying for it" - you'll get hit with symptoms for a day or more (and then cycle back up). This is natural; your brain worked hard to give you that window, you took full advantage of it, and now it's tired so it's taking a break from healing. Don't worry! You will feel good again. Just remember to take it easy, pace yourself, enjoy the good days but don't push yourself.

 

Energy, like everything else, comes back. Insomnia seems to be the hardest thing to conquer. (I did!!)

 

Best to all -

 

ginger

[[le...]]

Thank you so much, Ginger, for your encouragement regarding dealing with the sensitive skin issue.  I try to describe it to my husband, and it is so hard.  I tell him my whole self just feels like one raw, exposed nerve.  I am so glad to hear that you had this and that it went away.  I think we are all so afraid that all of this is going to last forever.  I have discovered at night that it is best for me to lay on something that is at least covered in cotton...I have a comforter that I sleep on top of...and somehow the cotton material stays cool and it is very soothing to my legs.  I also have to sleep under a very light cotton quilt because anything too heavy hurts.

 

I know for me, now that I have this weird swollen place on my leg...it is VERY hard not to assume the worst because this is all just one giant unknown.  I appreciate your upbeat spirit...and your assurance about how one day this will all be in my rear view mirror.

 

I am so glad that you are doing well!

 

Love,

Leena

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Totally agree with the comments re exercise.  Remember people we are ill, not in the normal physiological sense but our bodies have taken a bit of a pounding from these poisons - nothing is normal about benzo w/d . We can't expect miracles.  I've had to learn that I simply cannot do all the things I used to do in a day, I have to take time out to let my body catch up again.  However, it is important to me that I exercise everday - to avoid falling back into agoraphobia and to benefit me psychologically and physically.

 

Agree with you too Bill.  We were given these pills for a reason.  I do say that I want my old life back but I know that the old me wasn't coping as well as she thought she was.  For this reason my husband and I have done a stocktake of our lives and simplified certain aspects.  Of course everyone still has to deal with the day to day stresses - that's life.  But most of us can make some changes to de-stresss some aspects of our busy lives - remember we've all gotten ourselves off these poisons, we don't ever want to go back on them again.

[[ho...]]

here i am ata17 days off.............been pretty good.. just the extreme fatigue! and the inner vibrations, tingling under this skin.. But, bang! tonight..wow.... prob worst night ive had since my beg of my taper, burning sensation under my skin, mostly my left arm, for some reason my left side has always been the problem side, w numbness, tingling,and now this burning!! its not fun!!! i feel like im shaking but im not.. i ve been trying to fall asleep for 4 hrs now..this is horrible, brings back my really bad w/d memories in my taper, NO! i had warm milk, was listening to my ipod..to try to distract from this w/d symptoms...

 

anyone else experience this ? after getn off benzos.. this soon into being off...........im just thinkn , why now? how do these benzos work with all this different waves of symptoms!!?/ its just soo crazzzy... i really want sleep and my kids home for spring break.. how am i gona make it thru wed.........w no sleep!!!!!!!!!!!1 :'(

[[le...]]

Hello Hope,

 

I am up and awake, too, with the same symptoms you are experiencing.  My most hated and difficult symptom to bear is the burning feeling.  I can't tell whether it is in nerves or muscles.  I am almost 4 months off now.  And, like you, my worst symptoms are mostly in my left side.  Even when I have what I think are withdrawal-related sinus difficulties, they are usually on the left side of my face.

 

My only encouragement comes from the others on the forum, who went through these same symptoms and who can now report that it all gets better.  It is very scary to wonder, isn't it, if this all will ever really have an end to it?

 

I have not found anything that helps with the burning, other than sitting in a warm Epsom salt bath.  I have also tried colloidal oatmeal when the burning seems to be closer to the surface of my skin.  Of course, it is always harder at night when you don't have the distraction of activity.

 

I SO understand wanting to be "there" for your family.  That has been difficult for me, too.  And also...my house is in such disarray!  I can hardly stand it, but do not have the energy to attack it.  So far, I have been able to keep up with the laundry, and that is about it!

 

So you way up there in Canada...and me way down here in Texas...we can just keep encouraging each other to hang in there and fight the good fight!  I am so grateful for this forum, where people from all over the world come together as fellow encouragers through this time of great trial.

 

Praying for you, Hope...

 

:smitten:Leena

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Hi Hope and leena,

 

I almost didn't post this, because the *last* thing I would want is for either of you to "beat up on yourself", or get more discouraged.  Having said that, though, my (educated) guess is that at least part of the reason you are having such bad symptoms - and so far out - is because of relatively quick tapers of a drug with a less than an ideally long half-life. 

 

I feel very sad about your predicament, as you can't really go back and do it differently.  I just hope that you can take some solace in knowing that there may be a good reason for your difficulties now; and that your brain may simply need a lot more time to heal.

 

Just one man's very humble opinion.  My heart goes out to both of you.

 

Rumi

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Hi Rumi,

 

I appreciate your humble opinion very much and do not take offense.  It is so strange that while I was tapering, I had quite a few people telling me it might be good to slow it down.  Now that I have been on the forum a while, I am finally understanding what they meant.  I really did not understand what stabilizing meant, even though it was explained to me.  I just really had a hard time grasping things, for some reason.

 

Now, after "watching" so many people going through tapering...and reading more signature lines, I think I finally "get it"...and I do wish I had slowed down.

 

It actually helped for you to present this possibility to me, as I guess I am grasping for reasons as to why this is just so physically hard for me.  I am clinging to the claim by Prof. Ashton that the neurological damage is not permanent and will eventually reverse and repair itself.  But then there is this little voice that says...maybe that is true for everyone else but not for me.  Hush, little voice!

 

Thank you for sharing your valuable thoughts!

 

~Leena

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Hi Leena and All

 

Leena - Please don't beat yourself up about the speed of your taper, I did a very slow taper with valium and jumped off at just .15mg and at 3.5 months out am having a really tough time symptom wise....

 

There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason for this benzo process, all we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and wait for time to do its thing with us...

 

I so wish it would happen sooner for all of us though...

 

Keep posting and we can all keep supporting each other until we get past this...

 

Mxxx

[[Ma...]]

I'm in the throes of anxiety and total fear right now. I've been working toward a grad school application under deadline. Here's what I just posted on my own thread:

 

HELP, HELP, HELP. I'm in absolute terror right now. I'm terrified and feeling frozen. Shaking and in terror about both possibilities. Getting in to the program or not. My body and mind are telling me to flee. This is so scary. Oh, God, if you're out there, I need your help. I am spinning out of control. How will I ever live if this goes on? How can I cope when I can't keep challenges from throwing me into the worst abject panic. I can't stand this. I need help. Oh, God, I pray for a time when I learn to handle this. It's killing me.

 

If this is facing my fear, it feels too terrifying, and I'm not getting enough relief.

 

Sorry to explode like this, but I'm so terrified.

 

Matteo

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Hi Leena,

 

Sure...I understand that sometimes there doesn't seem to be rhyme or reason; and, as I said, the *last* thing I want is for leena to beat herself up for her taper speed.  I do think that there are some general statements we can make that are based on the experience of many people, though.  One of them is that slower is better - within "reason", of course. 

 

I hope you will be feeling better very soon.

 

Rumi

[[le...]]

Matteo,  I just bowed my head and prayed for you.  I know that feeling of desperation.  I am going to send you a PM.

 

MAA and Rumi...thank you.  Really.  I am so grateful any time that someone responds with encouraging words.  May I do the same for others.

 

~Leena

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Hi Matteo,

 

Do you have anybody you can open up and confide to locally?  If not, do you know of a very trustworthy therapist you might see?  (or maybe both things...a friend and a therapist).  I am so very sorry to hear you are experiencing such terror.  SO awful.  Does it feel like a viable possibility to just bag the grad school app at this point?  It *seems* that it would be wise to feel a whole lot better before attempting a change like that (that's just my feeling from a very distant, uneducated perspective).  Do you exercise?  Since both mind and body want to flee, does it appeal to you to go out and run - as if you are running from danger?  (Me going out on a big limb): maybe you ARE unconsciously imagining something very dangerous is going to happen.  Humiliation of some sort, maybe?  (I'm just guessing and throwing things out because I want to help...I hope you will treat them as such, and ignore anything that doesn't resonate) Or even walk briskly (or slowly!) if running doesn't appeal?  Is there *anything* in your environment, in your body, *anywhere, anything* that would feel *even the *least bit comforting right now*?  Maybe lie in a recliner and imagine someone is holding you (the recliner being the good mother or father...maybe holding pillows and blankets close to your chest for comfort too (that's just *one* idea out of many possibilities that I might try).  I hope you trust your body and your gut feeling about what you need.  

 

It sounds to me (again, with very limited knowledge) like the fight or flight response is extremely active for you.  I'm doing a therapy with someone who practices Somatic Experiencing.  It's based on a "trauma model" and has been very helpful for me.  You might want to do an Internet search.  I believe you can search for practitioners at traumahealing.com

 

All of this is just a stream of consciousness outpouring in response to your cry for help.  My guess is there are people who love you who will respond if they know *exactly* what is going on.  (at the same time, I do understand from my own past experience that you may not trust any of those people you might think of...is there someone that - maybe - you trust more than others?)

 

I am thinking of you.

 

Rumi    

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Matteo (a p.s.) -

 

I imagine there are many of us who will not judge you or withdraw support if you choose to go back on a benzo (or an anti-depressant) to get through this horrible time.  I'm not recommending it, and I hope you can find enough support elsewhere.  I'm just saying:  ALL of us need support of some kind.

 

Rumi

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Matteo

 

Hang in there!!!!!

 

These awful feelings are the drug having a final fling with your mind, it will pass again!!!

 

Can you hold off on your application for now? You need to try and take away any additional stressors as your body and mind are full up with withdrawal, the good thing about that is it is not permanent for you.

 

It must be something in the air right now as I am having terrible trouble with rebound anxiety the past few days.

 

You are not alone.  Keep posting.

 

Mxxx

[[Ma...]]

Leena, Rumi, and MAA

 

First, Thank you so much for your prayers, support, and interest, P.Ms, and advice. You are a true angels . I have told my therapist. He's not

equipped to talk too much about benzo w/d, though. He looks more at his 10 years experience with me. We talk about my patterns and there's not much more to say, I love him, though, and he has helped me immensely. Pre-benzo, I went to a hypnotherapist as well as a psychiatrist to try to find an a/d (no success there 7 meds later). The hypnotherapy was powerful - lots of shaking, age regression while "under" and I'd get buoyed up, but it didn't seem to stick. He thought I should stay the hell away from jobs or fields that scared me so and pursue my painting (I'm a good, self-taught oil painter - when I can give myself permission to do that, which is very rare in my condition), but I have to be realistic about my future. But what can I do? I'm absolutely flummoxed by my situation. I do exercise, and should go right now . . . will when I get up and moving. My mom is a psychiatrist, and she's been very supportive of me and my struggles, but she doesn't know about the ativan (for reasons I go into in my early days at this site having to do with stealing the medication from her, and that I'm in AA and I thought long and hard about who to tell about this as I didn't want to make the struggle even worse - I didn't take the ativan to "get high," I just took it to sleep because I was soooo anxious). My psychiatrist knows about the ativan. He actually originally prescribed it, but I took it only a few days because I was worried about potential w/d - I ended up taking it from my mom out of desperation (huge supply, she has, but she doesn't use it for herself). I made the mistake of telling her about my whirlwind grad school project, which she seemed to support without judgement. I even told her I was just going to take it one step at a time and see how I felt (not go into "a freakout thing" about it). Then I spoke with her yesterday after a very stressful day (see yesterday's posts here and on my thread re that) about my disillusionment. She flatly said she couldn't support my "giving up" on the project, as she said I've created a pattern of telling myself to retreat from things when they get hard. That is true, and that's why I'm so desperately afraid, but it was hard to hear. When my body is burning (like you describe your s/x, and like it is now) I feel like I'm going to die, if not now then slowly and painfully from the constant fear and anxiety that grips me. I've lost almost all self-confidence. I only get tiny moments of courage when the stakes feel low. Now, I feel like I HAVE to go through with this, and that pressure is scaring me. The voices in my head are telling me that I don't want to go back into social work (even though I had excelled in the field for 5 years, but quit that job for a nightmare job I busted butt to get working in a court, but quit that suddenly because the job was just untenable for me, and then had a nervous breakdown). I've been so long without regular work (doing odd jobs for my parents that they'd pay someone else for, but I do them for the money and because I'm so afraid to go out and look for a "real" job). I'm 48, single, lonely, and desperately afraid that I've blown all my chances in life, that it's going to be impoverished, lonely terror from here on out. I'm 7.5 years sober and active in AA (five+ mtgs/week), but I'm afraid to talk about it anymore, as I've been going around and around with the same stuff for 2 years now. I have a beautiful loving son (20) whom I love so much it hurts sometimes (but his existence keeps me from doing anything foolish like self-harm), but I am afraid he'll find out how bad of shape I'm in (he's in college and staying with his grandparents who live near his school). I even get afraid to post about it here at BB, but you all have been so supportive that I still do. I got a new AA sponsor, but he's not very warm and suggests that I go to the dark places because "I'm not letting go" and I "must be getting something [albeit negative] from going to this place again and again." I'm afraid to call him right now, as I don't feel like being told by him that I'm doing something wrong right now, even though I know that I am (what?). I have a life coach, who is helping, but the uplift she brings doesn't seem to last. I will still keep working with her, though. No one knows quite what to do with me, and I don't either. I will keep praying, but I don't understand why God, or my Higher Power, or whatever it is out there is allowing me to go through this torment. Maybe it's the only way out - through it. Oh, God, please help me. I keep hoping these demons will go away or get manageable or endurable, but I keep going down the chute to living Hell.

 

 

 

God bless you, for your support and kindness.

 

Matteo :smitten:

[[Ma...]]

P.S.

 

I feel better having gotten all of that out. Sorry, but I don't know how to double-space here at BB.

 

 

Matteo

[[ve...]]

Hey Matteo.  Thank you for your honest post.  We're here to support you any way we can.  It sounds like you feel a lot of internal and parental pressure which is tough.  I'm glad you have a good therapist to support you as well.  Just want to say one thing, having a very successful parent myself- you do not "have to" do anything just to please a parent.  Being in the helping profession, your mother more than anything ought to know better than to pressure you at this difficult time in your life.  That being said, in fairness to her, it seems she does not know about the benzo addiction and perhaps would not necessarily understand it fully based on her profession as a psychiatrist.  It sounds like a tough situation but not insurmountable.  I am confident that you will get through this.  Are you able to schedule a session with your therapist?  Maybe it would be helpful since you seem to have a long standing relationship with him.  Let us know if there is anything we can do to support you as well.

 

Hang in there,

 

Vertigo (no more)

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Matteo,

I don't think anyone here counts off for punctuation.

 

I hope you really are feeling better, because I want the best for everyone, and cannot bear to see you so down.

Try to keep the faith, and lean on BB and your loved ones to get you thru this day, and onto a better one.

-David

[[Ma...]]

Thanks V and David! You're walking me through this. 

 

Matteo