Post Benzo Freedom Withdrawal Support Group

[[mi...]]

- Fear that I'll never recover, or recovery will take years; ie; feelings of hopelessness: 6/10. But this varies a lot!

- Cog fog: 5/10 - it was really bad at the start.

- Burning in the extremities - legs in particular: 6/10.

- Headache: 3/10.

- Eyes aching: 5/10.

- Sinus pain: 5/10.

- Rashes/itching: 5/10.

- Weakness/lack of coordination: 5/10.

- Dizziness - in particular ground moving when walking: 5/10.

- Teeth "numbness": 5/10.

- Brain "zaps"/"shudder"/"electrical activity": 5/10.

- General muscle pain: 5/10.

- Emotional blunting: 5/10.

- Sexual blunting: 5/10.

- Head pressure: 5/10.

- Pressure of thought - ie; for me, songs repeating over and over in the mind: 5/10.

- Chemically induced anxiety - ie; fear for no reason: 4/10.

- Insomnia: 5/10. This has improved over the last few nights, but I've been loading up on codiene to kill the headaches - not something I plan on doing long term.

- Lack of motivation: 7/10.

- Depression: 5/10 and reducing. Being replaced by a sense of apathy.

- Tinnitus: 5/10.

- Waking up rigid: 5/10.

- Waking up in a state of fear: 5/10.

- dp/dr: 3/10. Almost gone now but raises it's ugly head every so often.

[[ve...]]

Good AM everyone.  Glad to see so many updates and progress notes.   I guess I may have opened up a can of worms by starting this thread  .  We're evidently not all completely healed,  "recovered" or symptom free despite being off benzos .  Yet, there are signs of recovery and attenuation of symptoms which is a positive for many of us to hear .  I think its important to remind that one person's experience is anecdotal and not indicative of how all will react. I'm seeing that windows are common and that hope is still not lost.  I agree Jan the Kid , one day we'll kick those withdrawal symptoms to the curb as well . Many thanks Jan for your support when I first came to BB. Thanks for the update MC.  You're not alone and I believe it's still early.  3 or 4 months off is a blip in benzo recovery so hang tough as well as any of you who still have symtoms. Glad to see many report windows at various junctures.  Thanks LB for the encouraging story about pressing on and finishing your walk, beating the agoraphobic urges that might have bit you back during your taper .  Also, thank you Jim and Ryan for your candid updates.  It helps to read about your heroic journeys as well.  We're all heroes in our own way. I'm learning more about GABA down regulation Mike.  So many on forum seem to have cortisol spikes.  We've beat the benzo addiction which was the most important step though.  Yes, we still may struggle with withdrawal symptoms of one kind or another, some more than others now, but we're still fighting the good fight.  Not giving up is half the battle.  You're right Leena and David.  Benzos are unpredictable and we sometimes need to accept the uncertainty of it all.  It would be nice to have a crystal ball to tell us when we'll feel "normal" again (consistently).  I know for me as well, sometimes overanalysis is paralysis    Send me some of that dark chocolate Gutsy .    I've had a wave this past week too,  but will post a bit later.  Thanks again to MAA for "cofounding" this thread .  Wishing you open windows with lots of sunshine, not waves .

 

Look forward to hear more updates,

 

Vertigo (no more)

[[...]]

Hello Fellow Post Benzo Travellers....I won't try and name everyone cos my benzo brain doesn't work too well right now.... :D

 

It helps me a lot to hear that I am not alone in this struggle post-taper....I hate to hear of others suffering obviously, but at least we can see that despite our different starting points on these drugs, different tapers, things we have tried/not tried post taper which have/haven't worked, we are all still here fighting the fight to get our lives back....

 

I had convinced myself that the 100ml of white wine I had 7 weeks ago caused all this pain, but I can now see that others have not had any alcohol and are still symptomatic so I can stop beating myself up about that for now at least....

 

Like LB, I have had my anxiety come back and with that comes the agoraphobia too, I can so relate to what you wrote about not wanting to go on a walk and making yourself....I have 2 young children and have to get them to and from school everyday and after school acitivities and that forces me to get out and speak even when I feel at my worst like today...am not sure sometimes whether it helps me or not, but it is what it is so I have to go with it....

 

I was chatting to someone who is also in recovery from benzo's and she sees a benzo counsellor type person and there take was that protracted stuff peaks between 3-6 months after taper, so that could explain why many of us 3 months+ are feeling so bad....the good news being once it peaks it should start to trail off for us....

 

I am wishing you all a better day today.

 

If we can support each other through this post taper period, it will be so exciting when we all start to write that we are improving and moving on......I look forward to that day so much....

 

Take Good Care.

 

 

Mxxxxxx

[[ve...]]

Ok, back to post a few other issues this week at 3.5 months post benzo. I've had GI issues the last week.  Thought it was maybe a stomach virus at first but  I believe that even three months off benzos, my system did not react well to the following:

 

1)adding B complex (stopped it after four days last week)

2)niacin (also a  B vitamin which supposedly increases good (HDL) cholesterol)

3)baby aspirin (thins the blood and heart protective, had to stop last week after four or five days)

4)fish oil pill (omega 3 and also thins blood)

 

I think I may after things settle down, reintroduce the fish oil pill and heart protective baby aspirin (family history and all).  It was probably not a good idea to add all those things at one time.  I have no idea which is the real culprit or could be the combo, not sure.  Heard another member had an issue with B vitamins.

 

Slight tinnitus occasionally but it comes and goes fast (five seconds).  Seems odd for that to come up now at three months off.   Benzo brain and gut still apparently have some healing to go

 

Vertigo (no more)

 

 

[[le...]]

This is a good thread...

 

I am almost 90 days post and can tell you from my experience as you go along there are good windows and bad ones.  From what I can tell the last month or so have been more predictable, as the rebound symptoms are the same. I usually start to feel discomfort shortly after waking up, peaks in afternoon then wanes at night.  Mine are:

 

left/right arm fatigue (more left than right)

mild stiffness in wrists and fingers

mild trembling (constant tingling) in hands, barely visible to the eye, more left than right (seems to be positional)

mild teeth chatter

shaky internal feeling in arms, again more left than right

exhaustion and fatigue  (tired tired tired)

slightly heavier breathing (not higher pulse)

restless sleep (not full-blown insomnia, like it used to be)

irritated from noise and imperceptible issues (or even simple conversation)

lack of focus, motivation and concentration (not getting anything done)

feelings of self-doubt, lack of purpose, direction

are benzos the problem? -- pops up constantly

 

Except for the exhaustion, all above come in packages now, increase in intensity for several days up to a week, then suddenly wane for 4-5 days.  I will feel almost 100% of my former self during the good stretches.

Alcohol seems to cause a lot of problems for me, although I drink only occasionally (wine, beer). It could be coincidental, but I won't drink again until this is over just to be sure.  That goes for most supplements.  Recently one of my blood tests came back with a low Vit D deficiency, so I will begin to pursue that.  I also have a borderline underactive thyroid, and have started taking low potency natural thyroid supp.  No effect yet.

 

My biggest concern is faith now.  When the symptoms escalate, I question my course of action.  With reassurance from here, most people advise the fact the symptoms come and go is a sure sign the brain is healing and knows what it has to do to reach normalcy and balance.  The most frustrating thing is time, patience, and progress.  While I am doing my best to stay away from dr visits, the discomfort felt can be non-reassuring and push some of us off the path to recovery and in the hands of uninformed practitioners who aren't trained to deal with post-benzo symptoms or disbelieve in its existence.  Time seems to stop or move way too quickly, because I feel like I am in this bubble yet everything outside is passing me by due to not being able to muster the energy to participate.  

Everyone wants to move on with their life, is given signs, but then brought back by the wrath of the benzos.  Progress is hampered.

You just have to believe this will all get better.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[De...]]

Hello to all,

Last time I posted on this site was back in January.  Time sure flies when you are enjoying a good dose of withdrawal symptoms--lol   Anyway, I read through each and every post on this thread and I know now that I am not alone in my sufferings.  

 

It will be one year for me on March 6th that I took my very last piece of a benzo.  Never did I know back then the hellish ride I was about to take.  But as hellish as it was and at times still is, my vision is sharp and intense.  My heart beats with life and I feel all of it.  No longer medicating myself into a comatose way of living, I feel, therefore I am alive.  

 

In the early months of withdrawal I came to this site and read other peoples experiences on the negative side effects and symptom flareup of taking some supplements or even ingesting an alcoholic beverage.  I didn't want to go backwards in my recovery so I refrained from experimenting on myself & learned that TIME (mixed with patience and Hope) is the only healer of this.  So it's very positive for us to share how we handle our day to day lives in this time of recovery for us.  

 

I have kept most to myself going through this.  If you look back on my previous posts you will see that I did post when I was having my most anxious moments.  And I was always helped and encouraged to continue on.  Thanks to all of you for being there for each other.  

 

I still have the "wobbles" and that makes me quite sad as I won't get behind the wheel of my car till they are gone.  Some days are worse than others along with the other perceptual distortion issues that go along with that.  BUT, one year ago I was so much worse.  So I am glad I kept a journal for when I feel I have made no progress I read back how I couldn't even hold a tray in my left hand last March.  I can now carry my bowl of cereal in that hand from the kitchen to the living room without spilling a drop of milk!  Progress!!   Also, while in tolerance w/d I couldn't even go down a flight of 5 steps that got me out of my house.  Now a year later I spring down those steps like a child going out to play! Progress!!  I also see all the flaws in my home that I neglected to repair while my brain was infected with benzos as they were not as noticeable to me back then.  Now they are an eyesore to me and the cause for alot of my anxiety.  But I am learning how to live one day at a time and am thankful that I can live the next trimester of my life being real even though it hurts sometimes.  

 

Hope you all have a great day!

Deni

 

 

[[Me...]]

Denikita  ~  That is an awesome way of putting it..Hamster in a ball !!    I am sure we all can say we were a hamster in a ball at some point !!  Thanks for posting..U reminded me of what I used to NOT be able to do !!  Now I am doing more too...way more than when tapering !!    Wobbles..thats what I need to call mine !!    Here a wobble there a wobble every where a wobble wobble !! 

[[Sh...]]

Strumming my pain with his fingers,

Singing my life with his words,

Killing me softly with his song,

killing me softly,

With his song telling my whole life

With his words,

Killing me softly,

With his song

 

I am just in shock how much of what I have been feeling is in every one of the posts here. I have been on the Celexa now over 2 weeks for overwhelming depression..I am sure it stems from suffering benzo-withdrawals. Waking up day after day and not seeing any relief was making me really dispondent and unable to push through the day well. The Celexa(actually taking citaprolam~generic~$4bucks!) is already helping with the heavy feelings and the horrible fatigue I was having.

My symptoms are the same as when I was tapering but not as severe and pre/taper...NO new ones noted.

Brain fog

DP/DR

Nerves raw/shaky

fatigue

Depression

Sinus pain/congestion

Eyes blurry and burning

Detached from own skin and body

For those considering an antidepressant I find this one to be a good one for me...I have tried in the past at least a dozen diff. ones with no positive results. This one is cheap and no side effects other than some nausea & slight headache the first week. I am getting out more and answering the telephone now~that is HUGE for me:)

From reading everyone's posts I know now more than ever that I will be recovering for a long time and pray that after the 6 month mark I will be much better than now.

Being OFF the poison is worth all the suffering in the end. 

We will heal! Able to think a little better.

Will never give up on being "whole" again and being happy.

No coffee/ chocolate still but dont miss them in the state I am in right now.

Have a lot to make up for with family, friends and just living life again for "me"..

SO happy for this thread and BB!  

[[ki...]]

Thank you Verti for this area to communicate.

 

I am almost 8 months post K taper.  I still have anxiety and agoraphobia but alot of the other symptoms have gotten better.  Here is my major post taper problem--chronic pelvic pain syndrome (CPPS).  I was diagnosed in October 2009 and I'm working my way through it.  Because of the pelvic pain, I put off my taper from Ambien.  Although my taper and the syndrome have not been linked, I think one lead to the other.

 

Be well.

 

Kitty

[[...]]

Verti,

 

I tried fish oil during my taper, and it really reved up my symptoms, so I have stayed away from it.  Before the taper, I took fish oil on a regular basis.  I know this stuff effects everyone differently, but I just wanted to add that I too...was effected by adding supplements...and in a negative way...

 

TC

[[...]]

Don't you all just long for the day when we can go out to a restaurant, have a nice meal of whatever we want to choose, maybe have a wine or two, feel totally relaxed and enjoy the evening without having "odd" feelings in our bodies, in our heads, in our eyes - anywhere.

 

I long for the day when I wake up in the morning and feel "normal".  I know it will come but I'm totally ready to move on with my life, unfortunately the little benzo man on my shoulder has other ideas at the moment.

 

Still today is better than the same day last year and next year on the same day I believe I will feel better still.

 

Never, never, never give up, there is a battle to be won!

[[af...]]

I am now 4 months off Klonopin/Revotril. Many symptoms have disappeared, while many remain. So i have come to realize -and accept- that i am suffering from the dreaded protracted withdrawal syndrome which may take months -or possibly a few years- to go away.

 

My primary complaint post-benzo is what Prof Ashton calls Sensory/Motor symptoms: burning pain or aches that seem to originate deep in the muscles and bones, accompanied by tingling, "pins and needles" or patches of numbness in the trunk, face, limbs and fingers, with muscle weakness and cramps. The pain is also often accompanied by bizarre "inner trembling" or a sense of vibration in the body and head. These symptoms are caused, according to Ashton, by a dysfunction in the motor and sensory pathways in the spinal chord and/or brain due to the failure of (damaged?) GABA receptors to revert to their normal pre-benzodiazepine state. These symptoms, adds Ashton, do decline over the years and do not signify a major neurological illness.

 

Now back to me: The past month was a tough one. Just when i thought that the worst was behind me i was hit by a huge wave. Nerve pain and burning flared up to an unbelievable level and held me in insane torture for 2 weeks nonstop. My only relief was sleep, and i did a lot of that: late mornings, afternoon naps, early nights, whatever i could get away with. Still no alcohol or supplements, except the occasional Tylenol which does not help much. I drink plenty of fruit juices for vitamins. I also stopped exercising temporarily so as to catch my breath, and replaced that by simple stretching and muscle tensing/relaxing techniques.

 

Here's how i'm faring with my symptoms using Red, Orange and Green to rate status:

 

Nerve pain/burning: RED – this started the 2nd month post benzo, very severe punishment, pray for me!

Muscle pain: RED – slowly subsiding.

Jaw pain: ORANGE - subsiding.

Inner vibration: ORANGE - what a bizarre sensation! subsiding.

Tingling/numbness/tinnitus: ORANGE – still around, but don’t care much about this really.

Fatigue: ORANGE - improved but not gone.

Vertigo: ORANGE - vertigo has been replaced by occasional dizziness.

Cognition/poor memory: ORANGE - a clear mind with short memory, that's me today (versus a zombie b4).

Gastrointestinal symptoms: GREEN - healed, was big issue for me during my tolerance w/d last year.

Weight loss- GREEN - beyond that now.

Excessive mucus in throat- GREEN - healed, this used to choke me and interfere with breathing!

Aggressive behavior: GREEN - rage is now gone, im back to being my regular aggressive self. lol

Anxiety:  GREEN - overcame this 2 years ago actually.

Depression: GREEN - big issue for me previously, huge improvement after I stopped Klon and A/D.

Insomnia: GREEN – I am dreaming again!

 

I have to underline here that i NEVER suffered from any of the above physical symptoms prior to taking Klonopin, all i complained about initially was mild anxiety and some depression.

 

I admit, however, to inadvertently taking one pill of Avelox, a quinolone antibiotic, last year, which probably hastened my withdrawal syndrome. But staying on Klon for a full year after that definitely made a bad situation worse. Unfortunately, i had no clue these medications were so nasty together, as apart!

 

Anyway, i am generally better since i took my last sliver of Klonopin, but apprehensive about what the coming 5th month will bring. Will keep u posted.

 

Kev

 

P.S. I love this thread btw, and will be coming back here often to c how this group heals and gets through and out of this ordeal!

 

 

 

 

[[ve...]]

Good AM LB and everyone.  Yes, I know what you mean LB about longing to wake up feeling "normal".  I once heard  the psychologist  Wayne Dyer say that most people wake up saying "Good God, Morning!" whereas it would be nice to wake up and say "Good Morning GOD!!! 

 

Thanks Kev for your update.  I like the color coding, easy to visualize symptoms.  Glad to see lots of green! Hope the muscle burning subsides soon.  Have you noticed that any of the symptoms vary according to stress in your life or any particular events?  Are you currently working?  Are symptoms more profound on weekday vs weekend vs a time of day?  You seem to have a good attitude about this even though apprehensive, stay hopeful, healing will come!  Glad you posted Kitytycath.  Hope the CPPS subsides.  Another member had posted about bladder pressure, don't know if that is similar to pelvic pain.  Feel better.  Appreciate the feedback TC on the fish pill.  I'm staying away from supplements now, except will stay on the pravastatin for cholesterol as its been working with low dose.

Lots of other good updates which I have found worth reading (I didn't want to say "enjoy").  You're right Mel, we may be wobbling a bit at this juncture but we're still standing .

 

Onward!

 

Vertigo (no more)

[[Sh...]]

Came across this funny analogy in the middle of the night in one of my "wide awake" episodes.

I was noticing how much I related this experience I am going through to the "Wizard of Oz" movie:

Dorothy~Longing for home where she feels safe and things are predictable compared to OZ where everything is crazy..I too long for my old self back where things are predictable and not in this crazy BENZOLAND that I am in.

Scareacrow~This poor soul is loosing bits of himself all over the place while in search for a "Brain"..I am falling apart and loosing bits of me and in search of my brain too:P

Tin Man ~Rusted up and unable to move freely and in search of his emotions and wanting a "Heart" so that he can feel things.

I am frozen in withdrawals and my emotions are numb and blunted and constantly looking for my heart/emotions to come back to me.

Lion~He is unsure of himself, wanting to be brave and courages but overcome with fear.  I am unsure and afraid of being out in public, people and life and wanting to feel courages again..for LIFE!

BUT....Just like in the movie...Everything they were in search of was "in" them ALL along and never was missing to begin with. I have to believe that even though I am in Benzo-OZ-land for now...the parts that are missing in my life will come back to me one day from wherever they are hiding within me and this whole experience will make me SO grateful and appreciative and I will be claiming..........

There's no place like home too! 

 

[[gu...]]

Hey All ~

 

What an interesting thread! It IS good to not be alone! Even though my

heartfelt wish is for all of us to be healed and posting our success stories.

Thanks to everyone who is taking the time to share on here.

 

Shelleyr..... what a GREAT post. This one is going to really stick with me.

I posted before about being caught up in that benzo-cyclone and plunked down

in Oz. I keep looking for my ruby red slippers to get me home too!

 

Afteru999 ~ Ditto on the 'NEVER suffered from any of the above physical symptoms prior to taking Klonopin', or for me,

clonazepoison. So there is no doubt as to what to attribute the problems I am experiencing to. That brings a certain level of peace to this process.

 

Deni ~ Wow. So many similarities in all of us. Totally identified with 'I also see all the flaws in my home that I neglected to repair while my brain was infected with benzos as they were not as noticeable to me back then.  Now they are an eyesore to me...'. But also love your exclamations of 'Progress!'. And the moving forward in the midst of it all.

 

Legend ~ Talking about how your sympts come in 'packages' is helpful. Mine do that too. And your statement 'My biggest concern is faith now. When the symptoms escalate, I question my course of action.  With reassurance from here, most people advise the fact the symptoms come and go is a sure sign the brain is healing and knows what it has to do to reach normalcy and balance.' I am holding on to that too. Good post.

 

14 weeks out for me today. All the same things. But a couple of new things. One is that the tens unit I use at night on my shoulders/neck is helping with the

muscle spasm and pain during the day. At night I can't feel the current from this device at all. Only when it is too high do I feel a 'burning' and know I have to

turn it down well below that setting. It amazes me that I can't feel the current from the tens at all.

 

Also, new this past week is a tight spasm or cramping in my esophagus. Happens at odd times. Does not seem to be connected with the act of eating. Just grabs

hold of me from time to time and eventually releases. Quite uncomfortable while it lasts. Anyone having this?

 

And one last thing I would like comment on if anyone else is experiencing this. And sorry to lay out too-much-information... but I have noticed a distinct reduction in urine output the past couple of weeks. Am wondering if the kidneys are somehow affected (it seems everything IS) by this process of recovering from the benzo bomb. I did an online search but didn't come up with much.

 

My entire body inside and out are completely without sensation. So any related sympts are impossible to pinpoint.  &  to all.....

[[en...]]

Great thread Verti!!!!

 

Gutsygal,I had the spasms in the oesephagus,bad for about two months,that happened in month 9 and 10,happy to say that seem to have been the last of my horrible withdrawal symptoms.It just eased one day and then dissappeared........I am now 11 months off.......

[[Sh...]]

FYI:

I remember back while still on the Klon my throat was closed up and felt like a lump was "stuck" right in the middle making me constantly swallowing all day and night till my throat was actually sore from doing it so much. It drove me insane! 

I went to a ENT and had a barrium swallow series done and everything was fine..the recommendation was....yep...valium! 

Now that is all but gone since getting off benzo's...

I have to believe its from the Klonopin. 

[[je...]]

Hello everybody!

Despite my brief experience with Ativan, I am still suffering symptoms at 8 weeks after c/t.  I am still on 2.5-5 mg of Ambien every night, so I don't know if that is affecting the symptoms and preventing full recovery.  My main symptoms are inner vibrations (which developed during my ativan use and also when I took Xanex a couple of times); muscle twitching/fascilations (developed 1 week after my switch from Ativan to Ambien); insomnia (I think it is getting better, though it is hard to sleep when your body is constantly vibrating and twitching!); depression and anxiety.  I am happy to report that the burning sensations which I had in my neck, face, and head have gone away, though my throat burns and I am not sure if it is related to the benzos. 

 

I'm getting kind of nervous about flying to Mexico in a couple of days... Not sure how to handle my fear of flying, as the doctors all prescribe benzos for this!  I think I might have a glass or two of wine and hopefully, won't panic!

 

Recovery wishes to you all...

[[Li...]]

Hi old friends.  Haven't posted in a while but MAA said she was posting over here so I thought I would drop in to say hi and give an update. 

 

I am about 9 months free and doing well.  Not perfect but very function -able. 

 

I work everyday about 10 or 11 hours sometimes more and care for my baby and I can go where ever and do whatever I need to do.  I still feel weired which is something I don't talk about much but I don't feel anxious about it and I just go with it and hope it will pass. 

 

The cog fog is 90% gone and the horrible fatigue is 95% gone and the agoraphobia is gone except for one lingering thing.  I still won't go to the grocery store or to Target if it is just me and the baby.  I can go alone and I can bring here if someone else goes with me but I can't wait for the day when I just put her in the car and go to the store without a thought. 

 

I have been reading the thread and everyones post and wanted to put the things I am doing to help get better. 

 

1.  Keeping really busy and not dwelling on benzo stuff.  For example I had to stay home from work yesterday to take care of a few important personal matters and I was there all alone and I felt strange.  Like the walls were closing in on me.  I never felt this way pre-benzos and use to LOVE time alone but now I am better off at work or out and just keeping busy and not giving myself too much time alone in my head...I recommend this as a way to get passed things.

 

2.  I am eating really really healthy.  All fruits and veggies and brown rice and oats in the morning and lean meat.  I eat NO junk at all, no supplements, caffeine, or alcohol and no chocolate.  I eat salmon with walnuts and cauliflower three times a week which is loaded in OMEGA threes (toss those oils caps...you can get all you need in food without the side effects). 

 

3.  I exercise but need to do more of this.  I feel like it is the remaining missing piece to my healing puzzle.  I feel like if I can get 30min of vigorous exercise 5 days a week I will feel even better and I am trying to work up to that. 

 

Well it is so good to hear that so many more people are free...like verti and kathy.  It is grate to see that so many are getting on with life and doing well.  One day we will be 100% better. I just know it. 

 

Also for those of you who are three months free I was still pretty much a mess at three months although I was carrying on with life and putting on a good show.  :laugh:  I am SOOO much better now than at three months and I have times now where I feel 100% my old self...it usually happens on days when I am out doing something really fun and I catch myself having fun and feeling great. 

[[...]]

Thank you Livie, for your positive post. 

It is great to see folks who are done with this tragic dependency, and have improved greatly, even if there are

still a few unfinished pages left in your story.

 

It gives real hope to us who are newly done, but still struggling along.

I hope this is just Act 2 in my story, with a happy ending coming in Act 3.

 

Thanks again. 

I hope your recovery continues, and you are soon completely able to do all the things you wish for.

-David

 

[[...]]

This thread continues to inspire and encourage me - thank you all.

 

Afteru999 - you have more green flags than orange and red ones - that's gotta be a good thing - right? 

 

Today is a better day for me - feeling more positive again after a few days of negative thoughts - you know the ones - "will this end?" - "is this my lot for the rest of my life"  "why did I let this happen?"  When I stood down as a Mod, Colin suggested I write a success story.  Not ready to do this yet, still have a ways to go until I feel truly successful.  But then again I was successful in getting of the benzos, Act3 (as you call it  David) has yet to be completed?  Watch this space!

 

You're right Livie, keeping yourself busy does help.  Trouble is at the moment I have the scatter-gun effect - can't seem to concentrate on anything for any length of time.  Don't seem to get things finished before I move on to the next thing, so not like the "normal" me.

 

 

[[...]]

Hi LB,

 

I know exactly how you feel when you say 'not like the normal me'. I had a phase in my healing where I felt 80% better, though not quite like my old self. I almost gave up on ever feeling the full energy that I was so used to before benzo hell. The good news LB, it will come! I guess this is the stage where our brains rest from the combat with the bezo beast (who can blame it? ) until it is ready to do the 'final touches' to grant us full healing. It happened for me, so let your brain take the much needed rest, and when it will go back into action you will know- You will be your 'old self' and much much more....

 

Wishing all my buddies speedy healing.

 

Shelly

[[ve...]]

Glad you're feeling stronger Livie.  Loved the Oz analogy Shelley.  So true about the parts of us that might feel broken, frozen or missing something right now.  Reminds me of a metaphor that I read recently, posted below-

 

"Imagine that you have just received a large basket of fruit.  You reach into the basket and pull out a beautiful red apple, and then a ripe juicy pear, and then a rotten orange, and then a perfect banana, and than a bunch of grapes, some of which are mushy and rotten.  How would you describe the fruit?  Clearly, some pieces are good and some are not good; you'd want to throw away some of it.  And how would you label the basket?  You see, the basket represents you, and the variety of fruits which vary in ripeness and rottenness are like your traits.  Rating yourself by a single trait is like saying that the basket is bad because it contains one piece of bad fruit".

 

 

Vertigo (and rating my fruit no more )

[[mi...]]

Reading this thread has been therapeutic! I feel like I could have written many of these posts myself. Tears came to my eyes when I read the post about "just want to feel normal again." That is SO how I feel! I remember with crystal clarity how I felt on my last "good" night, before benzos. When I was ME. It was June 1, 2008, and I went out to dinner with my then-boyfriend (now husband). We sat outside, since it was a warm night, and had a great meal and a bottle of wine. We walked home slowly, laughing and talking about our summer plans. I think about this night all the time, because I can remember how it felt to be carefree and normal, when I was blissfully unaware of every twitch, every sensation. When my mind was clear and happy.

 

When we got home from dinner, I found out my dad had had a heart attack, which sent me into a full-on panic. I got on a plane to go see him, and two days later as he was on the mend, I was in the ER convinced I was having a heart attack myself. It was a panic attack, and the good doctors put me on Ativan, and later switched me to Klonopin.

 

I posted way back in May 2009 when I was having a tough time tapering. By the time I read about the withdrawal methods on here, I had already made a mistake that I didn't realize would be a big deal at the time -- i.e., cutting my 1 mg Klonopin pills in half when I had to skip a re-fill appointment due to jury duty about a year ago. Big mistake, as the side effects were swift and brutal. Literally less than 48 hours after that drastic cut, my vision changed radically, I thought I was going crazy, and my perception of the world shifted, for lack of a better way to explain it.

 

Anyway, I got scared and went to my doctor as soon as I could. He wanted to increase my dosage, probably interpreting my panic about the side effects as anxiety that needed treatment. Luckily I persuaded him to help me get off the benzos so that's when I started tapering -- about a year ago. I finally got all the way down to .125 mg/day by August 2009 and jumped off from there when I felt reasonably stable.

 

Now I have had all kinds of side effects that definitely come in waves, all of which have been mentioned here. By waves I mean that there have been some weeks that are better than others. This is a bad week with burning feelings in my hands and feet. I wasn't even sure if it was a benzo symptom at first, but lo and behold, it seems to be quite common, especially with Klonopin.

 

Keeping in mind that I NEVER had any problems like these of any kind before benzos, here is my list of symptoms that I have felt at some point since quitting benzos:

 

-Burning feeling in arms/legs (was very strong yesterday, seems somewhat less today, but definitely still burning). Feels like a sunburn.

-Numbness and tingling, mostly in the hands and feet, but it sometimes feels transient. It's a weird feeling.

-Sensitivity to light, where a perfectly light room will seem like a dark cave (seems to be ok in sunlight, though).

-Visual disturbances of other kinds. For awhile, I saw sparkles/bright spots in front of my eyes sometimes. That's gone (for now).

(I went to an eye doc about these visual problems and my eyes are fine.)

-Insomnia

-Fatigue

-Occasional muscle twitches, especially in arms/hands and legs/feet

-Facial pain

-Fear/dread

-Cyclical thoughts

-Short-term memory loss (this is gradually improving)

-Tinnitus (very annoying!)

 

I do take fish oil and a multivitamin every day. Is this not a good idea? I am not a heavy drinker, but do have a drink every now and then (maybe 3-4 times per month). I see that many of you are refraining from any alcohol. What about caffeine? Is there a consensus on these things or is it a case-by-case basis in terms of avoiding them?

 

May we all one day soon become ourselves again!!!

[[le...]]

I do take fish oil and a multivitamin every day. Is this not a good idea? I am not a heavy drinker, but do have a drink every now and then (maybe 3-4 times per month). I see that many of you are refraining from any alcohol. What about caffeine? Is there a consensus on these things or is it a case-by-case basis in terms of avoiding them?

 

Hi Summer,

 

I can relate to what you are going through with the K, esp the muscle twitching, fatigue, insomnia and tingling sensations in the arms, as well as waves you go through week to week, cyclical thoughts.  It angers me to hear another doc interpret symptoms in the very same manner they did with me--it's idiopathic to them so the default is anxiety.  150 million anti-anxiety meds prescribed last year in the US!  Well, we must all be anxious!

 

I also went the same way in as you, to the ER but because of a gym incident.  a couple of weeks later I was put on xanax, then diazepam, and finally switched to special K for 6-7 mos.  Again, like you, I never had any of these symptoms before taking the meds and trying my best to muddle through withdrawal.

 

I don't recommend taking ANY supplements unless there are adequate tests to confirm you have a nutritional deficiency.  From my experience they usually do not make you feel better, and most of the time worse.  I have a borderline thyroid issue (even though I am not experiencing any of the typical symptoms) and Vitamin D deficiency (rampant in US).  I am addressing both for two reasons--they could influence some of the symptoms I currently experience and the remedies are perfectly safe, effective, and do not make my symptoms worse.  In fact, I recommend to have Vit D levels checked because it can influence so many vitals in the body even though our wonderful docs will not acknowledge it readily, certainly not big pharma.  D is not in most foods and was not intended for digestion b/c it comes from the sun.  But when people get ill or work in office environments their exposure becomes limited.  Even if you are near a window the rays will not help because Vit D3 UVB rays are filtered out.  Since I cannot get much sun,  I have to take a D3 supplement and one that is highly recommended and trusted.

 

As for fish oils, I recommend staying away from them because of Vit A content and regulation problems.  A very recent report found that excess levels of PCB's were found in many of the tested OTC remedies even though the manufacturer states it's filtered out.  The FDA does not regulate these so you have issues with potency and potential harmful chemicals.  The fish oils contain high levels of Vit A, most of us really don't need as it is readily found in many foods.  If anything, go with a trusted brand that is whole food and organic as possible.

 

I really believe time is the only healer.  Alcohol has negative effects on me during withdrawal and I admit to drinking a cup of coffee but only one in early AM.  There is no consensus, rule, or guidelines because the symptoms vary so much by individual that a clear-cut approach cannot be adopted universally.  I thought as you as well but have come to realize, and I know how difficult it can be, that patience is the only virtue here.

 

There is a means to end.  Get well.  Legend.