Post Benzo Freedom Withdrawal Support Group

[[Sa...]]

Congratulations Cupcake!

                                  You have done it! I am right behind you and cannot wait to be free of lorazepam! I think you would be experiencing s/x's if you were going to. I have been tapering for mths now- and still feel s/x's after each drop altho I was in tolerance for mths before. You seem to have kicked it! Yay for you and Good Thoughts for the future! Sama

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Cupcake,

Isn't it sad that we can't even enjoy our benzo freedom without terrorizing ourselves with the fear of something

bad happening?

I think many people, when using a sensible taper plan, are able to w/d and not have significant issues.

That's the point, I guess.

Let's all wish for your continued symptom-free recovery and a great benzo-free life ahead.

 

Keep posting about your recovery, but in the meantime, please take this opportunity to enjoy the ride.

-David

 

 

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David,

During my taper, and up to just recently, my largest overiding fear was that something big might happen that would cause a large eruption of stress - I felt I could not handle it. So i can really sympathize with you right now. You are really being tested in your resolve. What test I had was, in retrospect, intense for a few days, and then quickly resolved itself. I remember asking at some points "why me. Lord?" and of course no answer came. So, I know that lonely state. I also know that those times seem like a distant memory to me, although they are only a few short months old.

David, for whatever it's worth i can tell you things will be getting better. it probably won't be in the next few days, but they will get better. I think i am walking proof of that - over this past week I could honestly say I'm healed; whether that's really true or not, only time will tell. But believe me back in the fall there were times i wondered if I could ever say that. Reading your posts, i have had the intuitive feeling that you are going to make it. It will happen for you, I'm quite sure. Right now you just have to go through the fire.

write me anytime if i can be of help

Bill

 

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Thanks for the support, bill.

Your recovery has been a great inspiration to me.

I hope you are well, and that you will continue to improve.

I am trying to keep my head above water, in the midst of the ever swirling turbulence of stressful times.

Your support, and that of all my BB friends, is a very important lifeline, and I sincerely appreciate it.

-David

[[cu...]]

Thanks David. I'm noticing more and more how much better I feel now that I've learned to handle my stress/anxiety without the use of Benzo's.  It's almost as if it made my issues worse so I'd have to keep taking it with progressively having to take more. Right now I'm trying to make up for lost time. I can only remember bits and pieces of the time when I was on Ativan, it's like it stole my life and I couldn't enjoy my pregnancy (I started it when I was pregnant).

I make myself go places, so I can desensitize (as Claire Weeks put it) myself and keep adding to my victories so I will start feeling less inhibitions about leaving the house. The more victories I have, the more I will forget how those places made me feel when I was taking that junk.

Agoraphobia and panic are becoming a distant memory now. But I can use my experience to help someone else overcome it. I've already warned my father about Ativan and he declined it when his doctor offered to prescribe it to him...so I nipped that one in the bud haha!

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Wow this is a popular thread - taking me longer and longer each day to catch up with posts.

 

Sorry about your added stress at present David.  I can understand what you're going through as I too had to cope with the added stress of caring for my elderly parents prior to the series of panic attacks that led me into this horrible mess.  I had my first panic attack two weeks after having to place my mother in a retirement home against her will, but out of necessity.  Obviously I don't blame her for any of this, but the added stress I went through at time was enormous and was probably the final straw in a very stressful period of my life.  My problem was that I didn't "share the load" and ask for help, I though of it as my duty as a daughter to take care of the situation, despite the fact that I have other family whom I should have called on.  Needless to say for three years now she has been very happy where she is now and she'll celebrate her 94th birthday in April.

 

So David, remember we will all have to face stresses as we carry on with our lives - it comes with the territory, so take care of yourself as well as those around you.  Keep sharing.  I firmly believe that this whole withdrawal process must make us tougher - no-one could come out of this and not be a stronger person mentally. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life and I'm sure it is for most here.

 

Cupcake, well done for quitting the Ativan.  I know from your positive posts that you are well on the road to full recovery.  Congratulations.  Well done for the warning to your dad - another soul saved from this misery.

[[af...]]

It's finally my turn to post some good news in this thread: FINALLY A REAL WINDOW!!!!

My nerve pain level was near 9 (over10) last week, but miraculously dropped to 3 yesterday! This is the first real patch of peace i have in 2 months, and i am so grateful.

I woke up yesterday to a moving email from a friend that gave me goosebumps and tingling down my spine. Goosebumps, spine tingling, me? I haven't had these sensations since i started taking benzos 5 years ago... And when i realized that the pain was down, i went on to have a great normal day with my kids and wonderful supporting wife.

No celebrations, of course, since i feel deep down that i'm not healed yet. I'm only 4 1/2 months off Klon, and i realise that this syndrome does not fizzle away just like that.

Thank you buddies (and Colin) for this wonderful site. Had i not found u, i would have been today on more medication, and in more misery. U r priceless.

Kev

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Well...I am going to follow in Kev's footsteps and report a bit of a window.  I realized, laying in bed last night, that my right leg seemed to be feeling close to normal.  I can bend it at the knee today and not feel pain.  My left leg...a different story.  Knee still swollen and skin feels real tight all around my knee, making it hard to bend.  But maybe a little less painful.  Around 2 this morning, I was feeling pretty bad.  Went back to bed at 4 and when I woke up I only felt a fraction of that horrible burning nerve pain. (Kev and I share that same symptom about to the same degree).  I decided to do exercises with my little 10 lb. weights, making sure that I kept stretching my back muscles in between (the last time I tried to do this I ended up with terrible spasms in my back).  So far so good.

 

The thing I continually think about is how much PAIN (whether emotional or physical) we are all enduring.  I know that I am enduring so much more physical pain now (without meds) than the pain that drove me to take pain meds in the first place.  When I think about how easily I took a soma or a darvocet when my muscles would start hurting, I am rather floored.  Likewise, whenever I would get a pit in my stomach (signaling that I must be anxious, but not "feeling" anxious emotionally) I would take a little extra klonopin.  In some ways, we could all be classified as WonderWomen and SuperMen.  That being said, I think we all have seen how very much we need other people and the help they have to offer as a result of going through this withdrawal experience.  I don't think I could say enough how thankful I am for Colin, for the moderators, and for ALL of the buddies who take their time to post.

 

I do not mean to preach, but there is a Bible verse that very much reminds me of what is going on here on this forum: "He (God) comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, He brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us."  2 Cor. 1:4 (from The Message).  We may not actually "see" God coming alongside us...but I truly believe He is there and not removed from all the pain that is being expressed in our posts.  And He uses all of us, in our weakness, to help others who are weak.

 

With great gratitude for you all,

~Leena

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Great news, leena and Kev!

Amazing how humble we have become, and so grateful for the smallest improvements.

I guess it's true you have to get down on your knees to be a bigger person.

 

I also often think about the people who began this site, and for all those continue to work on it, despite their

own problems. 

I thank God for Colin and Ashton, who have provided some shelter from a cold, dark place.

I am still stumbling around, trying to find my way out of this maze, but it sure helps to have buddies to share this

craziness with.

-David

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Hi Postals,

 

I'm 8 months off K and doing very well.  The CPPS (Chronic Pelvic Pain Syndrome) is under control -- almost no pain.  I have to taper from Ambien, which I'm not looking forward to, and after that, I have to taper from Lexapro.  Yes, the doctors had a field day prescribing me meds.

 

Hang in there folks.

 

Kitty 

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Windows opening all around the world - great news.  Me too, feeling a whole lot better.  Still a little fuzzy headed and sensitive eyes, but accepting that now and crusing around in the sunnies .  Back to pounding the pavements again too, not letting that little benzo take away my the only form of exercise I can face at present.

 

 

[[pa...]]

Hi everyone!

I looked through the last few posts and wrote down some names with some notes:

Leena, thank you for the inspiring Bible verse. Part of my recovery has been my 'mustard seed' faith. I also have passages that I read during difficult times; Cupcake, glad to hear that you made the plunge, I will be praying for you this week; Bill, so glad to see that you've been Benzo free since Nov 25. Today is 1 month for me to the date; Kev, glad to hear about your "WINDOW", believe me, I know what these are, when they come, they are a welcome relief; David, how are things at home? I will continue to pray for your situation.

I am having a pretty good day, except I feel rather tired. Someone posted awhile back that naps don't seem very restful and that they actually make them feel worse. I often feel this way too. I will sometimes feel exhausted during the day, but when I try to rest, it's as though my adrenaline level will go up and I realize that I feel better staying active. I hate this feeling because it seems like a lose-lose, too tired to be energetic, to pumped-up to rest. Does anyone else feel this way at times?

Anyway, take care everybody. Enjoy every moment of peace and happiness that you can. I'll check up again with the group tomorrow

pangelingua

 

 

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Started on the SJW again, as the depression about cog fog, the future, etc, was getting very bad. I'm feeling a lot more positive about recovery today. I've had a lot of correspondence with people who've come through and they reassure me it all comes back - sometimes sooner, sometimes later, but not one has suggested it is a permanent situation. My benzo therapist also suggests I'll be fine, as she's seen countless people come off these drugs, most have been on longer, much higher doses than me - I'm apparently one of the least medicated she's seen - of course I start thinking, "Well, you're a therapist; you're not going to give me bad news, are you"? Hopefully these positive sentiments will continue! I think my anxiety is clouding my mind more than anything now. I'm starting to believe that anxiety *itself* is causing many of my symptoms, rather than b/w itself. I know this is the usual line given by the medical community, especially the psychs when a patient has decided to cease benzo medication. But one cannot discount it completely and blame all of one's problems on benzos. All of the symptoms I'm experiencing can indeed be attributed to anxiety itself, so dealing with anxiety can only help. The fact I can still do my job, albeit slowly, proves that my cognition isn't totally destroyed; I'm also suffering insomnia and this causes a lot of cognitive issues. I slept a little better last night - maybe three hours and I am thinking more clearly today. I think becoming obsessed with recovery can hinder, rather than help in the long run - it produces more anxiety - a viscious feedback loop that has to be broken. Please don't flame me on this post! 

 

Chris.

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Chrissco I doubt anyone would blame you for getting your feelings out.  That's what we need to more of to help us through this final stage.

 

The self doubt thing has hit me a little too.  After around three months of feeling about 80% of my normal self, I've been slammed with some s/x again and my catch phrase at the moment is "this will never end".  I remember saying that in withdrawal and have to remind myself that that phase did end, I got off the benzos and I'm not adding any more to my body now.  Just have to remember that they can take a while to completely exit the body.  From what I have learnt from others it appears that the anxiety is normal in w/d and does lessen, but as this was my original reason for being put on the benzos, I have put in place some procedures to help ease the anxiety and fear.  Had some help from a psychotherapist last year and I go back over her strategies from time to time to keep me on track.

 

It is a viscious cycle - but we have to believe it can be broken.  Many have already done it and we will too.  Don't doubt your therapist, I'm sure what she says is true - like me, you're just second guessing everything at present.  Hang in there.

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Hi LB and all my buddies,

 

I can so much relate to how the doubts surface during the healing process.  It is surreal! However I can attest that the final exit door from this torment is waiting for all of you. The good news - once you are completely out, there is no re-entry to benzo hell.    You will keep going into the wonderful routine that is awaiting all of you.

How do I know? I lived through this surreal hell- was tormented, scared, incomplete and had moments where I doubted that there was any complete exit from this nightmare. Guess what my friends - there is! I have passed through this door and it is so so wonderful. :yippee: :yippee:

I am waiting for all of you my friends, so be kind and do not forget to bring some refreshments. :laugh:

 

Shelly

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Thanks Shelly - just waiting for that door to open.  It was just starting to open and then seems like that little benzo beast slammed it shut again.  Next time it starts to open I'm jumping through. 

 

 

[[ho...]]

Hello BB friends..

 

just stopn in to say hi..............................

 

and wanted to say im one month this friday benzo free , and i too in just the one month am doing the most ive been able to do function wise in probably bout 6 months!!! Im actually back to driving mostly everday places, bit of groc shopn, little outtings w my boys, and right now its spring break for 2 weeks... No way i could have handlend them in my taper on my own even for a day then!!! Let alone now total of 14 days home...So def a good sign, im healing!!! Depression, downer mood gone, more motivated!!! able to do alot more around the house cleaning wise!! yeah..............laundry, dishes, etc..the normal stuff in my taper just loading the dishwasher was a HUGE TASK for me...and really didnt happen..

 

I had like 30-40 w/d symptoms..im down to bout 4 ongoing.... currently i would say.. inner vibrations, tremors, bit of ringing in ears once and awhile, fatigue, was some blurry vision.. think its def liftn gone... and was having some teeth pain up until few days ago... So, overall, what i went thru in my 3 and half month taper!! at this point im pretty happy w how im doing so far!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

So definately... worth the slow taper...............hang in there everyone, in the recovery and healing phase

 

best wishes...hugs

hope

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Congradulations Hope!

I celebrated 1 month free yesterday! Glad to hear that your energy is back. I get these energy-boosted 'windows' also.

[[ve...]]

Hey MC.  Fortunately the BB forum is not the type that would castigate you if you feel you need an A/D or other med to ease the landing for you a bit here.  An A/D or JSW can always be tapered later.  No flaming fireworks  forthcoming, will leave it to your inner critic to castigate ya .  I agree that anxiety can be very powerful.  It just keeps getting stronger and stronger depending what we tell ourselves about these ongoing post benzo issues.  Then the second layer of disturbance sets in, anxiety, guilt or anger at becoming anxious, so called anxiety about anxiety!  I've had some return of OCD like revved up feelings and cycling into blues this last month too, its really pretty expected stuff MC.  Sleep has improved thankfully. The only thing that really helps me is breathing and mindful awareness, doesn't have to be formal meditation practice but that could help too.  Also, I really enjoyed "The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris (author born in Britain but lives where you do now).  Check it out if so inclined. Another good one is Letting Go of Anxiety and Depression by Windy Dryden, short but to the point.  Good stuff in the one by Harris on mindfulness and cog/behavioral approach to anxiety and other issues.  Would be curious to know what sort of strategies helped you LB/therapy?  Hope, really happy to hear the symptoms are down to four  Wishing stable days ahead for all of us.  Hows your mother in law David?

 

Best,

 

V (no more)

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BB friends

I wish I had better news, but my mother in law passed away unexpectedly in the early hours this morning.

We are left to make all the arrangements, and just being post benzo, I am suffering crippling anxiety and borderline panic.

 

My B/P is up and I took more of my med than normal this morning to try and bring it down.  It helped some, but I am now

feeling medicated and nauseous.

I don't know if I can do what is expected of me over the next several days without re-instating.

I am really a mess.

I have already been everything but agoraphopic lately, due to my w/d, trying to avoid anything even close to what I will need to do now

 

Your continued support is appreciated.

-David

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Hi David,

 

Im so sorry about this sad news. My deepest condolences. I think u r showing tremendous bravery in dealing with ur anxiety now while being fresh off Benzos. I believe that it is precisely this bravery that will pull u thru, regardless of ur reinstating decision.

 

Hi Leena,

 

Ur quote of the Bible is so beautiful and so true. I read it over and over.

 

Kev

[[Sa...]]

David,

        My deepest sympathy to you and your family. I know how you are feeling as I went thru this in Jan./ feb of this year with my father in law- who was a dear friend to loose.  We had to fly to florida and close up a home, pack belongings and sell his place. God showed me I was not alone, I was terrified to go and all worked out. Seems I even turned some corners in the healing dept too. Will be praying for your family during this trying time.

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Dearest David

 

I am so very sorry to hear your news. I am sending you a huge virtual hug. Remember that you have coped this week with all that has been going on without benzo's, you are very strong, stronger than the damn drugs, you can do this!!!! We are all here for you on BB, lean on us for as much emotional support as you need.

 

Keep posting, and we will help to keep your head above water. Your wife is very lucky to have you there for her.

 

Love.

 

Mxxxxxxx

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David,

 

I  am so sorry to hear about your situation.  I am here - as I know everyone is - if you need support at any time.  My hope is that you will feel comfortable and able to tell people in your immediate life (maybe even the funeral people, the minister, etc) about what is going on with you - so that people will know and can support you.

 

I will be thinking about you and ready to offer support whenever you need it.  One day at a time - and maybe one moment at a time, if you can.

 

Rumi

[[cu...]]

My prayers are with you, David. Hang in there, you can do this! If I can, you can!!