Post Benzo Freedom Withdrawal Support Group

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Meljo~That was hystercial..loved the visual!

I showed up at my daughters school for an 8:15am meeting...waited for an half hour just to be told it was for the following day. 

Finding perishable foods in the pantry instead of fridge happens alot too. 

[[Re...]]

Hey Vertigo,

 

    I concur...this is a great thread!

 

    Where am I at nearly 7 months post benzo (will be officially off 7 months on March 8th)? 

 

    For the most part, I feel about 75-80% healed.  The following are my remaining symptoms: 

 

          Tinnitus - which goes up and down in volume.  Whereas I had much difficulty sleeping with the sounds in my head during my taper and initially post benzo, I've learned to live with it.  I am confident that one day this will be gone too.

 

          Numbness & Tingling (left side) - When this initially happened during my taper, I scurried to the emergency because I thought that I was having a stroke.  All tests proved negative, and the klonopoison got the credit.  This symptom is very mild, and it comes every now and again.

 

          Anxiety - Very mild in the am; although for the past 3 weeks, it's been hanging around 24/7 (mildly).

 

          Extreme Insomnia - I started having problems with insomnia when I reached 0.25mg (I dry cut all the way).  The insomnia has been my worse symptom of all.  Although I would like to report that since February 8th, MY NATURAL SLEEP PATTERN HAS RETURNED!  I have been enjoying this amazing window after 6 horrible months of sleep deprivation!  Granted, I do awaken once or twice in the night for a potty run, but I attribute that to perimenopause. 

 

    I try and workout daily; I am a huge advocate of organic nutrition and fresh fruit and veggie juicing; and the only supplement that I take is omega 3.  My greatest or best healing remedies during this benzo recovery journey are acceptance, patience and time.

 

 

    Again, love this thread...stay the course!

   

         

[[gu...]]

Haha Shelleyr!

 

A week ago on my blog I typed that it was Saturday. It was actually Friday.

Today it is Friday. And I KNOW it!

Good enough for the moment!

& 

 

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Gutsy, where I live today is Saturday!  I'm sure of that (I think!!)

 

Loved the bathroom story Meljo. 

 

Re alcohol - too scared to even give it a try.  Coming up two and a half years since my last wine - unfortunately had a panic attack whilst out having a nice dinner with friends.  Would love to be able to join in occasionally but sip away at my water - not quite the same.

 

[[ve...]]

Great updates Mel and Retire.  I agree that patience is a virtue here.  So true about foggy feeling after wine Mel.  Had the same thing last December, it was just not worth it although I enjoyed the taste of it, unlike the coffee which I can definitely go without now.  I still like the smell of the coffee in the morning but have no need for drinking it as it stimulates my anxiety and gives me GI trouble so there is no need.  Still have hope that I'll occasionally be able to enjoy a glass of wine with dinner maybe by summer but we'll see.  Mel, whats wrong with the men's toilet??? I don't huver/hover but I do use those protective paper sheets .  My son stopped up my dad's toilet last December because we found out he was putting all this toilet paper around the toilet at my dad's house like I've taught him to do in public toilets, $100 plumber fee to end the year .   Glad to hear your sleep pattern is coming back Retire.  My sleep has really been noticeably improved this past week too (3.5 months off).  I still get up to use the bathroom (always use protective toilet paper rather than hovering just kidding, only in filthy public men's restrooms ) but fall asleep which was not the case just a couple weeks ago.  I've put some parishable foods in the pantry this past year too Shelly   I also get up to get hot water for my tea in the hot water dispensor at the sink and find myself at the refrigerator cold water dispensor (happened more than once!).   Well, brain is still healing I guess. Have some sort of virus this week, stomach has not felt right for a few days.  I wonder if its the B complex and baby aspirin I added last week?  Also, I switched to generic prilosec two days ago, I had some issues with the generic one I bought at Costco last Fall during my taper, maybe there really is a difference.  Hmmm.

 

Great weekend everyone,

 

Vertigo (no more)

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Hello Verti and Co.  a couple of us have talked about this kind of thread for a long time and thanks be to YOU for taking the plunge and starting it Sir Fearless Verti 

 

KID will be 8 months Benzo Free technically on the 29th  and things ain't been so hot but one thing I have to say so as NOT to ever discourage anyone is that despite the struggles I've had to endure ONE thing that is more then positive/good about it is that if I was still on Benzos I'd not have had the clarity in mind to withstand any of it. The ability to listen, to interpret information and use it to help myself is FAR improved post Benzos thus affording me the strength and courage to push on.

 

I know myself well enough to realize that if these symptoms such as Burning Mouth Syndrome, which in MY case are established via TWO physicians as having been caused from stopping the use of Benzodiazapines, had occured while I was still on the BEAST then I'd likely have either increased miligrams or not had the strength/will to come off when I finally did.

 

As some of you may know over the past month KID has Cold Turkeyed off Protonix/PPI medication. I would not recommend anyone ever do this but personal circumstances forced the hand in my own case and I've lived to pay the price for sure. The symptoms one gets in some cases from CT'ing off PPI's are much like some of the ones I experienced on Benzos and coming off them. I've questioned my sanity once again, I've been on the benzo diet and lost a teenie bit of weight once again "which is no worry as I was a tubby anyway  " but it's not been fun to say the least. Some of you may have seen the result of this CT in my writing or lack there of over on the KID blog but trust me, if Benzos didn't destroy me Niether will PPI's  . I had however worried that folks would think it was all Benzos and in my case it's certainly not. In fact I sometimes wonder which things were Benzo related and which were PPI related. Danged meds. 

 

Post Benzo Issues? well as you can see I've had a few  but heck guys we kicked benzos to the "curb" and post benzo issues will also land on the curb one day IMO  .

 

Love to all

 

Jan THE KID 

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Hello All

 

Jan good to see you here!

 

Well I am officially 3 months free today!

 

Yesterday was a clear window, in fact last night I felt like 'benzo's what the heck are they'.....

 

Unfortunately, today the benzo pit has returned again and all I can think about is 'damn benzo's'.....

 

Hope all my fellow post taper people are hanging in there today...we all gotta catch a big break from this soon.

 

Mxxxxx

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Happy Sunday all...

 

Question for ya - do any of you have certain times of the day that you notice a difference in the symptoms???  Can you feel them come and go???  Do you have 'pet' symptoms i.e. certain symptoms that are you most hated and that they always come back during a wave?

 

Just curious, 'cos I seem to have clearer times in the evenings, and horrible mornings and afternoons, and I always get more or less the same symptoms come together......stomach bloats out and feel sicky, anxiety creeps up, and I get really noise sensitive...

 

Mxxx

 

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Hey MAA,

 

    Did you not describe what I go through every month to a tee! 

 

    I have a cluster of symptoms that seem to appear the exact same time each month, although they are not as intense as they use to be.  These symptoms seem to be heightened during the monthly.  My cluster of symptoms are the numbness and tingling on my entire left side (experiencing a very mild form of it even as I type this); left sided muscle tension from the back of my neck down to my lat (shoulder included); popping in my ears; loss of appetite; and the tinnitus usually is off the hook (although it has been quieter this week). 

 

    These symptoms will wax and wane in the course of a day from minutes to hours, and then ease off and disappear until the following month (not that I am expecting them), but they seem to appear like clockwork.  I use to call these my companion symptoms.  Granted, as I have said, they are no where near as intense as they were during my taper and shortly after I jumped, but these are my cluster symptoms. Were it not for these symptoms flaring up at specific times of the month, I would have no complaints at this stage of my healing journey.

[[mi...]]

the body produces more cortisol in the morning and the benzodiazepine down-regulated our GABA receptors so we have a hard time dealing with the adrenal surge of cortisol - takes time to up-regulate our receptors..wish I knew how long 

 

at night I think most of us feel calmer, I do

 

thanks

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Hi Retire... :)

 

It is so reassuring to hear it is not just me - misery loves company right...

 

It is great that we can chat like this, helps me to keep focussed on the end goal of having no symptoms left to bother me... :)

 

I am glad to hear that they are getting less and less for you as times moves on, that is so great, and I think very soon you will hardly notice them at all - boy what will we all do when we have no symptoms to fret about anymore - oh yes I know 'get a life'...

 

Thanks Mike for the info on cortisol, that makes sense, I assume that we feel better in the evening cos the cortisol level drops enough to enable us to sleep (if we are lucky and can sleep)...

 

For me the chemial anxiety is always the worst foe...not that I like any of the other stuff, but when that anxiety finally leaves I will be singing from my rooftops.....

 

Mxxxx

[[le...]]

Hello All...

 

I think I have been having a "window" for almost the whole day.  I am almost scared to say it.  Things were so bad last week...and then on Friday, I think, I had about a 4 hour period where I did not feel many symptoms.  Then, towards the evening, the burning started again.  Yesterday, another little period of time in the afternoon where I felt pretty good...and the burning and muscle pain returned by evening.

 

Last night, I had a better sleep (my biggest problem sleeping is my neck and shoulders...finding a pillow that doesn't make me feel like I am sleeping on bruises. Also, since my skin is so sensitive, finding a blanket that doesn't rub me the wrong way...).  I woke up this morning realizing I had dreamed, therefore I must have slept!

 

Unlike a lot of you, my problems are usually worse the few hours before bedtime...stay pretty bad through the night and sometimes still there in the morning.

Right now (Texas time) it is almost 9:00 pm, and the thing I am feeling is restless leg in my right leg (it usually is in my left).  "Normally" I would be experiencing that awful burning sensation in nerves all over my body.

 

I am so thankful to be able to read all of your reports...thank you for taking the time to give updates. Dare I think that things are on an upward trend for me?

I find out the results of numerous blood tests this week, as well as saliva tests for hormones. I felt like I needed to at least see if there are other things going on that could be making me feel so bad.  I will continue to check in...

 

~Leena

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Hey All. Hi Leena ~

 

I had an auto accident 4 years ago, Leena. Messed up C-5 and C-6.

Since I jumped, my neck and shoulders have been steadily getting worse.

A BB reminded me of the tens unit I have from that post-accident time

period. So I drug it out this past week and have used it for the past

few nights. I am happy to report that it is doing a great job of calming

those unhappy neck/shoulder muscles down during the night. I am much improved

from one week ago. Is this something you think may help you? I can't 'feel'

the current to get it set exactly right. Just have to turn it up until my muscles

begin to spasm. Then turn it back down from there.

  & 

 

[[ad...]]

It's nice to read about everyone's post w/d experiences.  I'm a year off Klon, and still having quite a few s/x but they go away faster and are less intense.  So that's good (I tell myself).   My worst symptoms were always burning all over, and muscle aching, but I had the whole long list from severe tachycardia to GI and hormone problems.  I still have a lot of it, but it comes and goes, as in waves.  I never know when, there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it.  Except I'm now noticing a connection between getting overtired (which doesn't take much) and muscle aching.  Other than that, the whole mess seems random.  Unless I do something stupid like take another med like benedryl.    

 

All in all, I'm still much more "sensitive" in every way, than before.  And that just has to be dealt with.  My worst times (after the first two worst months of course) were about 5 months out, and then 9/10 months out.  After 12 months, huge improvements happening.  

 

Things that help the most:  epsom salt baths (magnesium), magnesium orally (but only magnesium OXIDE, the other forms increase burning -- seriously -- it has taken me 6 months to figure this out!), infrared heat for muscle tension/spasms, keeping my environment stress-free, keeping my heart rate calm, and all of that.  I could go on --- I take a lot of supplements and experiment with a lot of different things to help recovery, from music to solitude to variety and (limited) excitement.   To be honest, I forgot what excitement is.  

 

My best guidepost for recovery, I've found, is to look back and see how much better I can "function" now.  From even a few months ago.  So even though I don't always feel great, I realize I am better.  Because I can function better.  

 

This recovery seems so slow and nonexistent sometimes -- it's insidiously slow, and you almost can't see it untill you look back.  But it's happening in a crazy kind of way -- if I keep a very steady, slow, and calm daily existence (yeah right, that's a magic act).  I think s/x coming and going is a great sign!!!  (I tell myself)  It's the beginning of them going -- for good.  

 

adelia  

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Gutsy...thank you for telling me about the tens unit.  Is this something a doctor has to prescribe?  What is the best way to obtain one?

 

Adelia...HI!  You are SO right about things being so random.  Wasn't it just a few hours ago that I said what a "good" day I had?  At 11:30 pm (Sunday night in Texas) the burning came back big time.  I could barely feel it creeping in around 11:00, gritted my teeth and said, "Please say it ain't so!"....but sure enough, the creeping became a raging.  Tried to go to bed, saw it was senseless, got up and took an Epsom salt bath, and came down to be in the company of my benzobuddies.

 

:( :(

Leena

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Morning All (here in the UK)... :)

 

Hoping everyone is having an 'okay day'.....

 

Leena - your description of what your days are like sound very much like mine at the moment, one hour fine, next back come the symptoms, so completely random...

 

I used to be fixated on what I was doing/eating/drinking that was making these rapid cycles, but now I think it doesn't seem to matter a whole heap what I do/don't do, these symptoms have a mind of their own, and go about their business as they please - damn them!!!! :tickedoff:

 

Will write more later.

 

Onwards & Upwards.

 

Mxxxx

[[le...]]

Hello MAA,

 

I could so identify with your statement about having been "fixated on what I was doing/eating/drinking that was making these rapid cycles".  I find myself constantly trying to figure out what it is that I have done that is causing symptoms as well as trying to figure out what I have done that has given me a "good" day.  Eventually, I hope that I will give up what I really know must be folly (trying to make this benzo recovery fit into some sort of rational pattern).  It sounds like you have made strides in this arena!  I do have a question...does anyone think weather patterns affect symptoms?  Here in central Texas, we have had the strangest weather this winter...of course much colder and wetter than usual, but then with occasional days where it is in the mid-70's.  I feel like my body has a hard time adjusting to going back and forth, back and forth...but it may be just my imagination.  Would be curious to hear what other buddies think...

 

~Leena

[[gu...]]

All ~

 

Sun is out today. Nice.

I was thinking about what you all said. About trying to figure out what to do to improve

the rate and experience of healing. From activity to foods.

I agree with you that it seems to have no fixed pattern. Except for fatigue or running out of

food fuel in my case. I think I need to start carrying a snack with me all the time.

And I DO notice a change with lower barometric changes. Affects those body fluid levels

IMO. Like salt does or hot sauces.

I went to Tai Chi this morning and felt a bit off. Began to disappear at one point. Or fly off

as the case may be. Just stuck with it and finished the class. All any of us can do isn't it?

Leena ~ yes. A doctor must prescribe the need for a tens unit. They are a common RX and

many insurance companies cover most of the cost. This may be a helpful option for you.

s & 

 

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leena,

I live in North Texas, and I don't like the crappy Texas weather we've had either. 

Just as I am going thru this horrible process, we had to have this weird, cold, wet winter. 

And apparently... it's not over yet.  I am cold most of the time.

It is absolutely true that it has been harder for me to adjust. 

And then, just when I begin to adjust, the weather changes again.

I can only have the greatest sympathy for those up North who have it even worse. 

 

I am struggling, like many are, with being post benzo only a very short time. 

At least the initial fear of quitting has abated, but now the concern is about how drawn out recovery will be.

And, of course, how completely will I be able to recover.

If I could take some time off, I am sure it would be more manageable, but work stresses are creating problems.

Hoping to hang on.

-David

[[Js...]]

Vertigo, great idea on the thread, I'm sure this will be a popular stop for quite sometime to come.

 

here is where I am at:

 

6 weeks post benzo and things have definitely been up & down. still working (have no choice) but somedays are more challenging than others like today for instance. Have had some good days,  I keep a journal and out of the past 45 days I have had about a dozen really good days, about a dozen really bad days and then the rest falling in between. I see a therapist 2x a week, I think that helps, at least it gives me someone to talk with that kinda knows what i am dealing with, also learning some good coping strategies, just not sure they are working that great for me quite yet. Major issues have and continue to be depressed feelings, anxiety, periods of poor sleep, crawling/twitching skin, especially in my calves, blurry vision but maybe I just need new glasses, muscle/tendon pain but that could definitely be from another issue I have, OCD (this is maybe my worst problem, just can't get out of the doom/gloom, life will never be the same, just waiting to die feeling), stomach issues, ears ringing (once again maybe form another issue). Those are probably the biggest.

 

Good things are that my sleep isn't as bad as I thought it might be. Almost all nights I fall to sleep OK, I do seem to sleep deeper, I do dream, but some nights wake early and can't return to sleep. On average I am getting 6 - 7 hours, some nights less, a few night more. I also feel pretty good on  my good days, able to do things with friends and family and actually kinda enjoy life.

 

bad things (other than all the sx's) is not knowing when this will end, not knowing if my problems are benzo related or caused by another drug ADR I have gong on, also, as selfish as it may sound, not being able to enjoy a glass of wine or beer. I have tried twice over the past 2 weeks and both times the days following the cocktail have not been good. Was it just a bad day or the alcohol? who knows for sure but I can definitely say that it hasn't been good. I guess I will give it some more time before I try again. It just feels that my quality of life has turned to crap on so many fronts and simple little things in life like a cocktail with friends or a piece of choclate cake are out of reach now, maybe forever and that really, really bums me out.

 

worst thing - the dam depressed feeling and OCD, to the point that I have and still do strongly consider an AD as the next step. I really don't want to ad another drug into the mix but then again I have to work, I want to enjoy the best I can with the current situation my family and lastly, and most importantly (again maybe selfishly) I want to feel "OK" again. I hate the feeling of lifelessness, of not caring about life, of not seeing myself getting better from all my issues, of having the feeling that I am just suffering & waiting to die. that is the worst part, the part that sucks the most and why I am within a few weeks of either working out of this rut or trying an AD. I just don't want to feel like this any more, I am sure that a hopeless feeling and tons of negativity aren't helping my chances from healing from my situation any better.

 

 

In conclusion, I am glad that I am off the benzo. I am improving slowly. I do think that there is a life after benzo's and on good days it feels like I am getting there. It's the other days that bring me down.

 

That is my current situation......

 

So, sorry for the soap box, sorry to the babbling and sorry to bring up my thoughts on an AD once again.

 

Jim

 

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This thread is a great place for those of us almost through or just through w/d to vent and I find myself logging back into BB each day to catch up on where everyone's at.  Great thread.

 

Today is a better day for me - had an uninterrupted sleep last night - best for quite a while.  Unfortunately with the return of some w/d symptoms, my anxiety has returned.  Had a very anxious day yesterday but pushed myself to get on with things.  Quite a challenge but I gave into my fears early on in my taper and finished up with agoraphobia, so aint going back there again.  Went for my daily walk and almost turned back after about 100metres, but finished up walking for 45mins - felt proud when I got home to know that I hadn't caved and rushed back to my safety net.

 

It's very odd to me that I have to force myself to do such normal things as going shopping or going for a walk.  Probably the hardest thing for me to get a hold of now is my dependence on other people - having been such an independent soul I find it quite humiliating to have to rely on those around me to get me through normal life.  On a brighter note I know that one day the real me will really be back - look out world!

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Hi Jim,

 

For what it's worth, I didn't experience your post as you being selfish, on a soap box, or babbling.  It just seemed like an honest statement of the pain you are experiencing. 

 

I hope you feel better soon -more consistently.  I also hope you will be gentle and kind with yourself.

 

Rumi

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Jim,

I got your back, my friend. 

I could have signed my name to your post.

Thanks for letting us know that we are not alone after all, and that these feelings are shared by many.

Keep letting it out here, and I know you will be the better for it.

I am better just reading your thoughts, and knowing that we can do this together.

-David

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Jim, you sound like you're writing my story.  I hear you.

 

I am feeling discouraged today.  I had been going through a period where it seemed I was stringing together lots of good days - up to a week at a time.  Lately I have been up and down each day and I'm having more bad days than good.  Overall, it feels like I am worse now than I was 6 weeks ago and that is really disheartening. 

 

Another weird and frustrating thing is that I keep getting new symptoms, the return of old symptoms, or a change in pattern of a given symptom.  I am having a lot more twitches around my body, which I had none of for the first few months.  I am also getting some burning sensations in my hands, a sx that disappeared 4 months ago and now has returned.  My sleep is still out-of-whack as well and the insomnia is morphing.  Most nights I get 7+ hours of sleep but it comes in segments where I often wake 3 or 4 times during the night and I am able to go back to sleep.  Over the past week I have been falling asleep easier but waking early in the morning feeling wired and unable to fall back to sleep and I am getting fewer hours (only 3 stinking hours last night).

 

Depression continues to hit me hard, partly because I am overwhelmed by the symptoms and the fact that I am still sick several months out and partly by the fact that my brain feels depleted of serotonin.  I have considered taking an AD but I always come back to my determination not to take any more drugs. 

 

The good news is that a couple of my symptoms like the stomach/gastro issues, the anxiety, and the breathlessness have shown marked improvements.  And the thought that I am not going to heal rarely enters my mind.  I am just waiting and trying to maintain some sanity until my next window brings some reassurance that healing is taking place. 

[[gu...]]

Hey All. Hey Jim ~

 

Jim, you really haven't been off the benzo for that long. I think you are

being too hard on yourself. Of course, that is also typical post-benzo

behavior. We all do it. For me.... I am all over the place on bad days.

And all your symptoms are exactly what I have had and continue to experience.

And what I read about on the forum all the time. So at least the benzo

bomb has bombed most of us in the same basic pattern.

Although I have not been able to 'reinstate' alcohol, I have reintroduced dark

chocolate into my everyday. Benzos be d----d. As someone else on here

said... have to do some things to connect us with our old selves and the things

that made life lovely before the benzos.

I am in a pretty big wave again right now. I do use the terms waves and windows

because we are all used to them and know what they mean. And I find I need that kind

of reference point. Having a decent 'window' helps me when I hit another 'wave'.

I need those markers to help me slog forward on this journey.

I am trying to look at the waves as places where my mind/body is piecing some

connections back together. I think this 'may' be the case as I seem to have some sort

of window after a wave. Time will tell on this.

Anyway... sounds like all of us are writing each others' stories on here. Some day

these will be our Success Stories on the forum.

Until then....

&