Post Benzo Freedom Withdrawal Support Group

[[Re...]]

Hey Ginger1222,

 

    Congrats on being 9 months benzo-free, and feeling great! I feel that the hardest part is behind me.  I am looking forward to feeling lots better emotionally and physically at the 9th month mark.  You give me much hope.

 

    Stay the course! 

[[Ma...]]

Congrats, Denikita on your one-year Benzo-free B-day!!! :thumbsup: And Congrats, Ginger, on 14 months  :thumbsup:  . Your successes are helping me more than you know! As always, thanks to you, Vertigo. Wisdom, intelligence, and caring really come through your sharing with me. It's a kindness I have'nt been feeling so much in A.A. lately. I start to feel that my fellow A.A.s are often pointing out to me what I'm doing wrong. They are usually correct in their observations, but it's not helpful to add to my "mistake list" right now. AA has saved my life, and it's a miraculous program, so I'm not about to give up on that, no way! I'm just glad to have BB as well. My fellow AAs don't know about the benzos. I had to think long and hard about telling them, and in the end I decided not to, as I had to really think hard about what would be best, in the end, for my recovery. A hard decision, one I'm glad I made, but one that keeps fellow AAs out of the benzo w/d picture, for better or worse (who knows).

 

Thanks, Retire, for your support. Your kindness and encouragement always make me feel better. I've seen your "Physician Heal Thyself" quote somewhere before. Perhaps you can PM me sometime and tell me where you saw that, if you'd like. Somehow seeing that little Bok Choy (?, celery?) there cheers me up.

 

David, thank you so much for your support as well. I forget that I actually used to feel well enough to really go around BB and offer support. I hope to get back to feeling that way. These past couple of months (?) have been challenging. Adrenaline rushes of fear, especially in the a.m. upon waking. I do believe that most of this fear is brought on by fear of getting back into the stream of life again. Something inside is telling me I can't cope anymore, that I don't have the courage or strength. And the benzo w/d is partly causing and certainly exacerbating that situation.

 

Thanks and love to you all,

 

Matteo   :smitten:

 

[[ho...]]

Hi all

 

looking for ideas, support...anyones regime for helping cope/deal with the fatigue, exhaustion, tiredness, during the taper, and continuing on......when off benzos.. at 16 days off early.....i know!!

 

but theres gota be something besides time, to treat, deal with this, i think.

 

anyone?

[[mi...]]

I just have to say that I can totally relate to the post about "self-monitoring." I do this constantly, whereas I never did it pre-benzo. I stare longer at things to make sure my eyes are ok; I am aware of every nerve ending in my body to make sure I don't ache, feel numb, buzz or sting; I take my pulse a lot (does anyone else do this?) with two fingers on my neck to make sure my heartbeat feels normal. I wish I could stop doing it, but the w/d symptoms are so strange and seem to come and go randomly, it's like I'm always on alert.

 

I will say, though, that going out in social situations was much harder during taper and immediately after going off the Klonopin. It has gotten easier now 6+ months out, but is still sometimes hard. Like last night my husband wanted to go for sushi and I basically started crying (gah!) because I didn't want to leave the apartment. Pre-benzos, I would have been out the door no problem. But this fear/dread/whatever it is about going out, is happening less and less frequently, and most days I can do it and even enjoy myself.

 

There is one thing I do -- play volleyball -- when I feel GREAT. I mean, I genuinely have fun, and feel like my old self more than at any other time. Maybe it has to do with my mind being focused on the game and not able to self-monitor, or maybe because I'm moving around so much I don't feel the symptoms -- whatever it is, I always look forward to those nights as a guaranteed break from symptoms. If only I could play all the time. ...

[[ho...]]

Hey summer..

 

wow!! omg god.. i went thru the exact same thing, exactly.. during my taper, i become obsessed w my pulse, and my blood pressure!! i acutally borrowed my mother in laws machine cuz shes a diabetic..and would check both bout 3 times a day, drove me crazzy and it caused me more anxiety if my pulse was up, or i if i felt my blood pressure was off! IT DROVE MY HUBBY MAD.. and after a month of that, he returned it back to his mom, thank goodness.. cuz i was going a little nutty with it.. But too.. be worried, something was gonna happen to me in my taper, w all the scary w/d symptoms!!!

[[...]]

Well, I got through it somehow, but it was very very painful, and made me realise I am a long long way from being healed which has really thrown me for a loop again wondering if I will always panic about going out of the house etc, is this the way I will always be?  What happened to me?  Does anyone else have these mental struggles???

 

I am just over 3 months free now and feel like I will never get well, so Matteo I completely relate to what you say about making decisions to move your life forward and then being knocked back by the benzo talk in your head making you believe that life will never be the same again...

This has probably been the case with me also.  At present I have serious doubts occasionally of ever being totally well again.  Because I had such a long spell - over two months of feeling about 80%, I'm so disappointed to have been knocked back again by the physical stuff.  I want to get back to some normality but the little benzo man pops up quite regularly and tries to push me down again. 

 

Just makes me realise again just how evil these drugs are.  We are the lucky ones who have "seen the light" and will get ourselves better.

[[gi...]]

Somehow, I thought that I would have gone thru all or most of my withdrawl symptoms during my long, awful taper.  It's been 10 days since I took my last diazepam and it has been rough.  I had a few small windows and I  thought "this is it".  I am healed.  Ha, I was sadly mistaken. Something strange is going on as my symptoms seem to be rapid cycling.  I get hit with depression, then a little later paranoia, then muscle spasms, then feeling panicky, you get the picture.  All, of this happens so quickly, then I seem to crash that is my mind and body from some sort of exhaustion.  Anyone else experience this?  I go thru alot of this stuff and have anxious thoughts and obsessive intrusive thoughts that drive me crazy and then later they are gone and later when I think about them they are not troublesome at all !!  This whole syndrome is driving me nuts and now I fear that I may be headed to protracted withdrawl. I was finally able to drive a little bit and today I was all panicky about it !! I was really hoping to try and go back to work and get back in life but now I feel very hopeless.  Sorry to whine but I am scared.

Ginia  :'(

[[Ma...]]

Hi, Ginia. Boy, I sure could relate to your "cycles." I'm having the same ones. I especially related to the fact that when you're feeling okay, the thoughts that had you troubled before don't seem so troublesome. Isn't that MESSED UP!!!!! . But remember, you're only 10 days and already having some good days, right? So I'd say don't worry about the future. You may well be close to being healed. We just don't know so we hope for the best. If you have days when things don't seem so troublesome, just try to enjoy them when they're here. That's what I've tried to do. It's taught me to make the best of the good days. Hang in there  .

 

Hope,

 

I've found that the best thing for fatigue is exercise. I know, you're probably saying, "yeah, that'd be nice . . . . if I weren't feeling so tired!!"

But it really is the best thing for the mood and the energy level that I've found. One thing is it gets your endorphins going (the body's natural opiate pain relievers) and it distracts our minds from the constant negative chatter, puts us in touch with our physical presence much like the breathing aspect of meditation. And it just plain makes us feel good about ourselves (and look better, too). Check it out!

 

Matteo  :smitten:

[[...]]

Ginia,

 

Congrats on being 10 days off!   I know you did a slow, steady taper so that really reduces your chances of going protracted.   You did everything you could to avoid that, and at 10 days out, you are still very "young" in terms of benzo healing.  You will probably feel better sooner than later, and when you do, you better tell us all about it.

 

TC

[[bi...]]

hi all,i am 5 months benzo free from a wicked c/t that nearly killed me but now after 54 symptoms i am down to gi issues [bloating] but my mind has headed south intrusive neg thoughts some d/r and good ole depression.other than that i think i'm heading for home

billy3

[[...]]

Hi Ginia,

 

I am very sorry you are feeling so bad, and afraid.  For what it's worth, your taper, at least from 1.5 down, was not slow relative to many people here on the forum (were you on 80 mgs in January of 2009?...if so, that part of your taper would be considered fast by many people here on the forum too.).  Many here believe that the Ashton schedule is too fast.  In fact, I know of several people who have tapered slower than I have.  I was at 1.5 mg of diazepam on January 7th, and will not be off for another two weeks or so.  

 

I hope this doesn't make you feel even worse.  The past is the past, and I'm sure your taper seemed very slow to you.  There is definitely no judgment here from me.  I only wanted to convey this information with the hope that it might help you understand why you might be having strong symptoms.  My educated guess is that you will heal; maybe just slower or with rougher symptoms than if your taper had been slower.   

 

I'm glad you posted here.  I think you will get lots of support.

 

rumi

[[ve...]]

Congrats on getting down to .30mg Rumi.  It won't be long now.  The rest is pretty much gravy . As you approach your imminent benzo freedom, I hope reading thru this thread that I started has not discouraged you in any way as far as possible withdrawal symptoms that could surface or stick around for a little while.  Looks like you have had a very reasonable taper and ostensibly will have a smooth step off.  Many thanks for your kind words Matteo.  Good advice about exercise   :yippee: .  Hey Midsummer, I know what you mean about going out for sushi.  You won't find me at a sushi bar these days (too much stimulation and on the spot I guess) but at four months off, I do venture out for sushi occasionally at a table, did in fact last Saturday .

 

Best wishes,

 

Vertigo (no more)

[[ca...]]

Hi All

I am now one year c/t and I wish I could say I was doing well. I am as bad as I have been. My worst symptoms are

 

tingling in legs and feet with periods of ice cold toes

numbness in arms and hands especially at night

facial tingling and mouth and tongue almost burny tingly

tinnitus

general skin and scalp tingling very sensitive

assorted gi symptoms

 

I realize many of these are also symptoms of anxiety with hyperventilation and of fibromyalgia. I wish all here a speedy recovery and do not mean to be a downer, but one does start to wonder when you feel this bad at one year.

[[ho...]]

Hey matteo

 

thanks for reply..........yes im kinda .. yes if i wasnt sooo tired...my hubby and i did cance our gym membership recently...paid 65 a month for both of us.. and didnt use it for a year, cuz i was soo sick on benzos/meds....

 

so only form of excercise i get is bikes or walking.. which to me, isnt really excercise.. i use to work out at the gym, doing free weights, and cardio..now good luck!!   and use to work out 3-4 times a week.... i cant wait to have the energy to work out like that again, and your right look good!!! cuz too, ive gained bit of weight in the last year!!   

 

so for now walks and bikes, and walkn my dogs.. til my energy does improve, hopefully

[[Ma...]]

Hope,

 

At least you're able to move around a bit. That's great!!!! Just do what you can (all we can do) and be gentle with yourself about all this right now. Maybe if you work up to it slowly, watching your own progress, it'll be a good way to feel a sense of accomplishment, however small the efforts. I know that I can hardly get out of bed sometimes, my depression and anxiety are so bad. This is such a hard road. I found myself exercising out of desperation. Luckily, it usually works. I've also found that cleaning with breaks mixed in helps me get more energized. The activity helps, and as my place gets cleaner, my spirits lift. Just some of the things I do. Whatever you do (exercise or no), try to be kind to yourself. I sometimes stop and ask myself when giving myself a hard time, "would I treat a sick child (or adult) like I'm treating myself?" No.

 

Take care  ,

 

Matteo

[[...]]

Hi Matteo,

 

I am at .30 of valium, so it won't be too long before I'll be able to officially "join" this group.    Have been reading with interest, and I appreciate everyone being so open about what is going on with them.  Just wanted to say that I love that question you ask yourself: "would I treat a sick child (or adult) like I'm treating myself?"  The answer ain't bad either.   

 

V,

 

I'll post something on the 4 and under thread in a minute.  I've decided my first day without benzos is going to be the first day of spring.

 

Rumi

[[mi...]]

Matteo,

 

How are you?  Your place a mess too?  I used to be Mr Neat Freak - everything in its place.  Now I am Mr Put It Anyplace Who Cares?  It is weird, to say the least.

 

Off benzos is as hard as on them at this point.

 

Mike

[[gi...]]

Hope:

Get outside as much as you can. Grab that sunshine... breathe that air... sit on the steps, your car, wherever you need to sit.Force yourself. As long as you don't hurt or puke or rev symptoms, push yourself to move. Do simple stretching exercises. Walk around the perimter of your house. Walk around inside your house. Move as much as you can, when you can. It's all you can do!  Time really is "it", hon, but time does work!!

 

Ginia,

Your CNS has only been operating completely benzo free for a very short period of time. It's only now just beginning to heal. Hang on, it'll get better. It might be rocky for a while as your receptors learn to work on their own again, but in time you'll be OK!

 

Billy: 

54 symptoms?? Yow!  I had 24 at one point and would have killed myself had I had a gun! I'm in awe of you; congratulations!

 

Catfish: I'm right here with you buddy. Look for my post farther up...

 

(((to all)))

ginger

[[le...]]

Hello All,

 

This is such a comforting place to come to.  I have had a couple of really hard days, where I have had to face the reality of how my symptoms are altering my life.  I worked in the church nursery yesterday, and it was SO hard to be down on the floor, holding a baby, crawling to get toys, etc.  It made me SO sad to see how "crippled" I seemed to be.  And then today, I had a paint job (the first in about 3 or 4 weeks) and being on the floor painting baseboards was excruciating for my legs.  It was actually harder today than it was a month ago.  It left me wondering, for the first time, how long I would be able to keep this up.  I have loved my job for many reasons, but during withdrawal I have loved it as a distraction from the pain.  Today I felt like it caused more pain.  I REALLY don't want to have to quit.

 

My left knee is still swollen, and I am "stuck" about what to do.  My skin is so tender and even clothes "hurt".  I dread going to bed tonight...last night I felt like I was trying to sleep on bruises all over my neck and shoulders.  I have gone through so many pillows trying to find one that doesn't "hurt".  Would love any advice if anyone else has had the "pillow" issue and found a good one.

 

Sorry to be so whiney.  Thank you for letting me "vent".

 

:'(  Leena

[[...]]

Hi Gayle - haven't had much time lately to be on BB so belated congratulations of making that jump.  Wow, you did it, that must be a huge relief.

 

Re your question as to which s/x go first - who would know.  We're all different and have different s/x.  Seems to some that sleep is the last to come back to normality but in general seems that the worst of the physical symptoms disappear between six and twleve months.  Not to say that everyone is the same  - that's a very general statement.  I know five months out I've been hit with some more s/x that I thought I was free of.  However even today I can feel that they are slowly getting better again.

 

As everyone says time is what will get us through - how long - anyone's guess and it is only a guess.  The one thing we do know is that eventually we will all heal totally.  We can't heal if we are still swallowing those benzos so everyone here has made the best choice - to get off these evil drugs and stay off. 

 

This is a great thread and one I read most days now.  Great to compare notes - even if we've all got slightly different notes to compare!

[[ve...]]

Who knew that benzo freedom would mean months more of enduring s/x?  Well, maybe there's some comfort in knowing that "normal" is not what one might have thought originally .  Hey Mike, that was funny about the cleaning and "putting things anyplace who cares".  My wife is not too fond of this new habit of mine .  Sorry you're still struggling. Good advice LB that "we're all different and have different s/x".  WAL, great that you are seeing that "we all have different timeframes" and "each day off is one day closer to healing".  I'll give you a standing ovation for that . I think you're right about the sunshine now that its finally coming out Ginger.  I also agree with some of the others that moving and actually sweating the toxins out can help. I'm thinking of getting a massage which I also hear can get some of the lingering toxins in the muscles released.   Gonna work on drinking more water too.  And yes Matteo, we ultimately gotta be gentle and kind with ourselves as you said, "like we might with a sick child" .  Expecting too much of ourselves or beating ourselves up   for being anxious or having the blues or not feeling better by a certain point is not helpful.  By the way, did not think you were being whiny Leena.  If we don't have the energy to go to the gym, like Hope and I have sometimes experienced in the last year , do what we can do even if its just stretching outside on the balcony or walking up to the corner and back or walking the dog or the dog walking us like in that movie Marly and Me.  If feeling agoraphobic, maybe walking in place for a few minutes, get an exercise ball or some light weights for at home use... Many things to carry forward with healing.  I agree LB, time will get us through, with one caveat,  too much worry or focus on time may have an opposite effect.

 

Onward!

 

Verti (no more)

[[gi...]]

Hey Leena,

 

I had that skin problem for several months, too. I just wore the loosest clothing I could find; I was constantly putting on lotion. Elastic bands on clothing felt like they were slicing my skin so I wore scrubs with ties in the wastebands. I couldn't take a "hard" shower for a while because it hurt. But it all went away.  Rest assured it will pass for you, too!

 

g

 

[[mi...]]

has anyone used a sauna to sweat toxins out?  not joking, someone above reminded me of it when they said sweating

 

well, another day forward

[[...]]

Hi Guys, well i thought I'd add my two cents to the ongoing discussion, mostly because I read a few people who are questioning when and if they are ever gonna heal....and that's depressing to consider, especially for people ready to quit.

I've been off 3 plus months now, and every month is better than the one that preceeded it.

My physical sx's have fallen away; leaving the psychological issues.

What do i mean psychological issues? the failure to being able to navigate thru fairly normal stressful issues of life - money problems, kid problems, work problems, etc....

Right now I feel totally 'ok' because there isn't anything stressful happening. I actually am enjoying life. (!) I have faith that this inability to cope is going to pass, just like the GI issues, the agoraphobia, forgetfullness, muscle pain, etc.....on the other hand, to some degree that coping problem is what pushed me originally to benzos.

One thing that i have been facing , and i wonder if everyone in wd has thought about it ( this thought after reading thousands of posts on BB) is that that we all took a benzo for a reason. Those issues - either anxiety, insomnia, or whatever - are still going to be around when we quit - and of course stronger in wd. Whether or not what we're feeling is benzo wd caused, we still have to work on it - i.e in my case ocd thoughts/ actions.

 

The two biggest external things to help my symptoms have been exercise and acupuncture. Maybe not everyone wants or can get the acu. treatment, but everyone can and should sweat a little. nothin' wrong with sweat! I would watch the massage, however - but that's just me.

 

[[...]]

Hi Bill,

 

Welcome!  Great post...I think this discussion re the fact we all went on benzos for a reason - in many cases because they helped us cope with anxiety, depression, stressful situations, etc. - is a very important one.  I personally went on them for "psychological" reasons, and I *think* I'll be able to cope much better now without them than I could have years ago - because I've grown and learned new coping skills, made closer friends, etc - but *I don't really know*!  This is one of several reasons I appreciate this thread: hopefully, we can all help each other cope with life, at least a little bit - no matter what the reason.

 

Thanks Bill,

Rumi

 

p.s.  I agree with you about exercise.  Another great one for me is to stop whatever I'm doing, tune into by bodily sensations, and then find something (anything) that feels comforting to me (e.g., noticing the support of a chair or my feet on the ground...trees, the sky...warmth...anything really...anything that feels good and comforting to me...however small).