6-12 month thread....

[[...]]

Friends,

I am in desperate need of encouragement again.  I posted just yesterday about how good I was feeling and that I was out of my rough wave, but my anxiety started creeping up in the early evening until I was getting slammed.  I had to abruptly leave my daughter's volleyball game and I came home and climbed into bed.  I have so much fear coursing through my body, and it has been all night.  My sleep was terrible and I just dozed off and on all night long, waking many times to a cortisol rush.  I feel right back into acute AGAIN.  :'( I don't know how I'm going to make it through today.

I am shaking, afraid, full of anxiety, have internal vibrations, have a uncomfortable current zipping under my skin...the works.

I almost feel like these bad waves this far out are harder to deal with than they were earlier.  Earlier I was mostly miserable, so the variation of miserable didn't matter much....but not when I get thrown back into a brutal wave it seems so much worse because I often feel good.

This could be normal, right?  :'(

I want to just curl up in my bed and hibernate.

Feeling much hurting, fear, and discouragement...

HH

My dear HH,

 

I feel for you. This is a brutal process. I too was feeling great two days and then just hit with a anxious/depressive wave for a few hours caused by an event. Look, yes it is perfectly normal but it does not make it any better. I think the reasons why we feel such pain in late term waves is because we are hopeful early on and as time moves on we have a little voice saying " when is this going to end" and it disillusions us. We must all stay the course. I have to say that the amount of sacrifice to go through this detox is astounding. we are all going to make it.

 

Life

 

Life, your statement ref long term waves, in my case 2-3 days of depression a week being my worst sx, is right on. Even though depression has taken a turn for me from every other day, last 3 weeks have been more spread out. Lately it's more like every 3-4 days lasting from waking to sleep time.

 

Even though for me it has changed in frequency as well as a minute reduction in intensity, it's devastating when I wake up in that pit of emptiness. I can't come to grips I'm few days out from 10 months off benz last dose as well as over 4 months off of remeron and I'm still suffering heavy depression and anxiety which I never had before benz. I feel more and more distraught every time I wake up to depression and start thinking/obsessing  it will never end which makes things much worst.

 

This far out I tend to forget how long this process can take and the hardly noticeable improvements.

So I try to just think I'll be better 6 months from today, then again we should only think and live the here and now. Bottom line dealing with heavy depression and anxiety for such a long period of time as well as being 10 months out is devastating. I just have to realize that even though improvements are minimal, 10 months in recovery is great but more time is needed for this long and winding road.

 

Good healing to all, jrod

[[Co...]]

Jrod...spot on!...I am in the exact same place with anxiety and my last ( hopefully) remaining s/x...head pressure and the anxiety it triggers. I am one day into month 11. ...I experience everything you mention.  It was totally holding me back from my life. Seeing a psych wasn't something I wanted to do as most don't really believe the w/d process. My doctor who is great and supports my w/d but wants to try adjunct meds was not where I wanted to go either. ....In desperation I hired a life coach last week. She is grounded ( 2year training and certified..I talked personally to 3 of her past clients)...It oz proving to be so helpful. She is helping me take steps with and beyond anxiety.  She is well aware of my w/d journey and believes in the process..however it is not her scope or focus to advise on meds diagnonsis etc. She just helps me articulate what I want from life ...today...this week...next month...next year. She says,  what do you want from life?." I say,  " not to have anxiety and health fears.. "...she says, " what does that look like?"....I tell her and we break it down and agree on a step to take....the process acknowledges the w/d and s/x....but the focus is on living the life I want anyway in spite of and with s/x. For me it lines up exactly where I am in w/d...better...much better but hanging in limbo in terms of 're-entry '...and by the 2 year time frame it is still early for 're-entry '..but I am stuck stuck stuck. I have Bern following Green and Life and Peace and Nova .....they all seem to picking up their lives piece by piece and that makes sense to me...but I have been locked in 'stuck ' ...so this is helping me.

....Jrod 10 months is wonderful!....I have my sights on month 14...we are so close...you are doing a great job of acknowledging how far you have come and your commitment to going all the way....I am right there with you all the way....You are going to have your life back.  ...coop

[[Mo...]]

I made it through another week at my job. I really didn't know if I would. Last weekend was so very hard and I'm still fighting through some pretty tough feelings of general craziness which is a depression anxiety sandwich. I have my boys alone again tomorrow morning and that is not my favorite way to start a weekend. Ugh. It just creates anxiety on top of my anxiety. I guess I'll start drinking chamomile tea now in preparation of what's to come.

 

Hoping those of us in the funk get a break soon and hope those in windows will be around to spread some light.

Peace2

 

Peace, I take two approaches to being alone with my kids.. I get out of the house and go to a bounce house or park or I hand them the iPad or video games.  It takes the pressure off of me to entertain.  Please keep us posted on your weekend!

 

MommyR

[[Mo...]]

thanks Mommy...I'm making it through my Friday work day.  It's hard enough when I feel crappy to just lay on the couch let alone work but I am holding it together.  We really can't try and change anything when we are in recovery.  Light exercise is all I can handle too.  When I feel good I over do everything.

 

So you are working.  Hopefully already half the way done with your day unless you are pacific coast like me.  Yes, it's easy to over do.  I don't get that anymore except for what the traveling has done to me.  I can go from morning till night on very little sleep.  Not sure if that's good or bad.  I don't know if I could work a full time yet, but with my kids that might not have been in the cards anyways because my husband travels. 

 

I hope you can relax when you get home tonight and that the weekend calms things for you.

 

I'm in SF.  If I didn't have a sales job where I am very established at I would be out on disability.  I can mostly come and go as I please.  It has put stress on my business partnership as I couldn't hide this from him.  We did some therapy so he could understand but it didn't help too much. It's a catch-22.  Work is a good distraction from wallowing at home sometimes for me but when you HAVE to do something it can be overwhelming on bad days.  Just like raising your children.  We have no choice.  I'd love to spend the next year at a retreat in the redwoods with mountains and hot pools   I am in my sixth month so hopefully I turn a corner soon.  I feel the worst is behind me regardless.  Famous last words. 

 

I love to know how people spend their days to get thru this.  It sounds like variety is the spice of recovery.  Somedays it's stay at home, some days it's get out.  Some times we need to distract other times we need to focus.  I will always be impressed at those who manage to hold on to jobs.  You are amazing Drew.

 

Yes, you will turn a corner.  I had really good recovery during months 4-8.  I firmly believe it was my vacation that set me back to the physical s/x I suffer now.  I only suffered headaches, chest pain and nausea during taper and up until a few months ago.  What I have now is new..head pressure, sweating, out of control eating.. all new.  I still have to go forward.  My house work, website, etc....all the responsibilities I need to accomplish have not been impacted.  When we got back from vacation it took me 3 weeks to come out from under the cog fog.  I was a mental zombie.  It was rough and I had to tell the church whose website I work on what was going on.  Like you said, it's hard to hide.

 

Today I am dedicating my day to eating for healing.  You prob think I should do this everyday, but I have kids who eat crackers and cheese all day, a husband eats paleo and me who is tired and doesn't want to cook or make healthy choices.  Today I have the energy to do it.  I just brushed off paranoia over some vitamins I popped in my mouth.  I love true signs of w/d.  Paranoid of vitamins???  Yup, withdrawal. 

 

Hugs Drew!! 

 

MyR

[[Mo...]]

Life

 

I often wonder too if going thru the recovery of w/d from benzo heals the very problem that started it.  Maybe we grow new pathways or learn that whatever was eating us before benzo is not nearly as bad as what benzo did to us.

 

MommyR

 

Perfect.  You said what I wanted to say, but you said it better. 

 

Green, when you tell me I said something right it's like being recognized by a teacher in front of class.  Thank you!!!  I do believe the above. 

[[Mo...]]

Hi Folks ...

 

"activating the anxiety gene" ... had this response as well ... when I asked to see the before and after pictures of this "activation" he got really pissed ... told me I had to take this "seriously" ... when I asked again about help coming off K he told me I needed "anger management classes" ... and then when he got more frustrated with me I asked if he was "mirroring" bi-polar" to me to help with our "transference" ... I know, I shouldn't twist the dragon's tail, but, hey, he was too easy and I was in a playful mood, guess he couldn't "accept" me "playing" ... that was the end of a "beautiful" relationship" ...

 

Besides, I don't like being told I am too old for anything ... I am usually just old enough ... when he made that comment, I knew this "consultation" was not going somewhere helpful to me ...

 

Psychiatry ... a broken pseudo-science ... limping along on one rubber crutch ... trying to be "medical" by following the our current cultural practice of medicine ... push pills and ignore the chronic ... yes, life does have its acute moments, and, living is mostly a chronic condition ...

 

And yes, that statement is probably unkind of me ... yes, I have heard stories of others having a helpful experience with the psych folks ... I just have not had one ...

 

Oops ... this is not me "bashing", just me "reporting" ... sorry folks, I am just not in the mood to take the "psych" folks seriously anymore ... not until they take me "seriously" ... I understand relationship as a compassionate, two-way flow, seasoned with respect ... for me, there are other paths to follow and receive encouragement and support from ... for me that is the "litmus test" ... time, encouragement and support ...

 

I do not believe the med I used was inherently "evil" ... rather, I believe the way I used it following the advice and supervision of the medical community was inappropriate ... for me, the med was helpful in my initial acute episode ... what I did not know and what the medical community ignored was it is not appropriate for chronic use ... and this has been "known" for more than forty years ... their "ignorance" is inexcusable ... my "ignorance" has been transformed ... and this is why I am in "benzo recovery" ... my "trust" was abused and their "ignorance" was harmful ...

 

Okay ... time to get off my soapbox and be right here, right now ... today is Saturday ... today is not just a pile of yesterday's memories ... today is the joy of being present ...

 

And, I am getting better ...

 

 

Nova, I have never heard this term before and it made me angry when it was pronounced over me as some radioactive device with a big red button had been pushed and the rockets could not be returned to start.  For me I had an instant reaction just like you.  NO NO NO...Of course, I had something in my past that made me know what he saying was not for me.  It was in that moment I determined whatever had happened was not going to color the rest of my life and I was going to fight tooth and nail to get my life back.  I had no knowledge of BB or even about the extent of damage a benzo could do to me in such a short amount of time. 

 

I am not against meds and know they have a place in the world, but to hand them out so irresponsibly is beyond me.  I have a house guest who has a thyroid problem and takes an SSRi.  It helps her.  I am not against her getting help.  It is us on whom the medicine no longer works or made things worse.  I don't know what else they could have done for me in the ER as I refused the SSRI.  If they would have gotten me counseling immediately and educated about me about underlying stress and said I could only stay on the benzo for a short time.. anything to educate me on anxiety or panic or whatever happened to me would have been better.. but I can't go backwards. 

 

We have had to learn the way thru using our minds and hearts and creating a supportive family to carry us forward.

 

Thank you so much for validating. 

 

MyR

[[Mo...]]

Hey all

 

This is an update from one of the success stories, and I thought it was neat MommyR, he talks about some of the things you experienced too!

 

I don't drink any alcohol, nor will I, but that is a personal choice of course But I really appreciate his perspective & update

 

Hope it inspires and helps Happy and peaceful Saturday -- yes! Amen!

 

Mrs.

 

Hi Everyone,

 

Thank you all for your kind words. It really means a lot that I was able to pass on some of the help I got on this site.

 

I just wanted to let you all know I'm still doing great and you will too. Just hang in there.

 

I don't visit much anymore but I think of all of you and what you're going through. Please remember that part of the nervous system damage also causes feelings of hopelessness. Everyone thinks they are the exception and they will never get better.

 

Everyone I met on this site got better. Every single one.

 

I hadn't actually read all of the comments about my success story until now. I can't believe there are so many. I cannot thank you enough for such wonderful thoughts. I'm very happy it helps.

 

I'm sorry I haven't responded to each and every one of you, but I will try to answer all of them at once.

 

Yes, I had all the symptoms each of you describes. I don't think I saw one symptom I didn't have. Many of you talk about agoraphobia, rage, obsessive thinking, hopelessness, heart palpitations, intense fear, feelings of being dead, and feeling that your life will never be the same. I had all of those and they are now all gone. Even my blood pressure returned to normal and I don't take anything.

 

Almost everyone tries to figure out why they are not getting better and usually the discussion goes toward thyroid, or blood sugar, or some obscure reason they aren't getting better. It's not any of those. It's just nerve damage caused by benzos and it will get better on its own.

 

I also don't think drinking wine will extend any symptoms. I don't really have a taste for alcohol, but a glass of wine often helped take the edge off in the late afternoons when I usually got extreme anxiety. I think I only did that from about 12 to 16 months and then no longer had a need for it.

 

Coffee also helped clarify my foggy thinking in the mornings, but be really careful you don't have more than one or two because it can cause pretty extreme anxiety.

 

My best recommendation is walking and hot baths. Showers really stung my skin for a very long time and didn't help, but a hot bath often seemed to slow my brain when it was spinning out of control.

 

I don't think blood sugar is the problem so much as eating fats, proteins and carbs together. In combination, they can cause neurotransmitter precursors to flood across the blood/brain barrier and I think that's the main reason for panic attacks after eating. Try to eat different food types at separate times so you aren't overwhelmed with the resulting brain chemicals.

 

I don't think Tramadol affects the benzo withdrawal process. But I do know it can cause really severe depression if taken for long periods, especially crying. The withdrawal from that really sucks but the worst of it is usually over within a week. I quit Tramadol before I quit benzos so I can't really speak to quitting that in the middle of things. It will be bad, but I'm not sure they are connected.

 

Once again thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. I will try to check back more often.

 

I love you all, hang in there. One day you will feel the sun on your face and be glad you are alive.

 

lost dog

 

 

I don't think blood sugar is the problem so much as eating fats, proteins and carbs together. In combination, they can cause neurotransmitter precursors to flood across the blood/brain barrier and I think that's the main reason for panic attacks after eating. Try to eat different food types at separate times so you aren't overwhelmed with the resulting brain chemicals.

 

Wow.. this is the exact opposite of what I have been told to do.  Thank you Mrs for this amazing post.  I look forward to verification thru the blood test I got on Friday.  This is really food for thought.  I am so grateful for Lost Dog coming back and you posting his response. 

 

MyR

[[Mo...]]

Jrod...spot on!...I am in the exact same place with anxiety and my last ( hopefully) remaining s/x...head pressure and the anxiety it triggers. I am one day into month 11. ...I experience everything you mention.  It was totally holding me back from my life. Seeing a psych wasn't something I wanted to do as most don't really believe the w/d process. My doctor who is great and supports my w/d but wants to try adjunct meds was not where I wanted to go either. ....In desperation I hired a life coach last week. She is grounded ( 2year training and certified..I talked personally to 3 of her past clients)...It oz proving to be so helpful. She is helping me take steps with and beyond anxiety.  She is well aware of my w/d journey and believes in the process..however it is not her scope or focus to advise on meds diagnonsis etc. She just helps me articulate what I want from life ...today...this week...next month...next year. She says,  what do you want from life?." I say,  " not to have anxiety and health fears.. "...she says, " what does that look like?"....I tell her and we break it down and agree on a step to take....the process acknowledges the w/d and s/x....but the focus is on living the life I want anyway in spite of and with s/x. For me it lines up exactly where I am in w/d...better...much better but hanging in limbo in terms of 're-entry '...and by the 2 year time frame it is still early for 're-entry '..but I am stuck stuck stuck. I have Bern following Green and Life and Peace and Nova .....they all seem to picking up their lives piece by piece and that makes sense to me...but I have been locked in 'stuck ' ...so this is helping me.

....Jrod 10 months is wonderful!....I have my sights on month 14...we are so close...you are doing a great job of acknowledging how far you have come and your commitment to going all the way....I am right there with you all the way....You are going to have your life back.  ...coop

 

Brilliant idea Coop!!  I wish insurance would cover this.  My counselor is pretty good.  We have in maintenance mode for while now.  I am going to share your words with her and see if how to use this kind of forward thinking. 

[[No...]]

Myr ... "We have had to learn the way thru using our minds and hearts and creating a supportive family to carry us forward."

 

I love it when someone takes my six paragraphs and puts it one sentence ... I just got tweeked by the "anxiety gene" thingie and went off on a little rant ...

 

For me ... the wave continues ... lets up from time to time for a bit ... so far no release yet from this one ... Saturday moving towards Sunday ...

 

Found a series on Netflx ... kinda dark but I enjoy well done whodunits ... Hinterland ...

[[li...]]

Hi everyone,

 

Just checking in... I went to a a non-benzo wise pych/doctor and I told her about my anxiety ( caused by a recent event) and my depression ...Her diagnosis -- I may have "non-manic bipolar" based on my productive times ( windows) and my anxiety/depression ( waves). Wow, it has taken 51 years to diagnose this one. I am so glad that I am benzo wise. Has anyone had doctors suggest this? Her reasoning "well, it has been 1 year since you jumped from benzos and you are still not feeling right"... I am not feeling right due to lawsuits and other stuff. Wow, I am a bit confused.  Any light you can shed on this issue would be appreciated.

 

Life

 

I'm not sure if this prognosis felt helpful to you, Life.  I did not have anxiety or fear, depression, panic before the benzo.  I had a sudden onset of symptoms where I was put on the meds.  I did have two panic attacks, but they weren't anything I knew to call panic as mentally there was not distress.  I just thought I was having a heart attack.

 

The ER psych who got me hooked had me come for bi weekly visits.  I kept having to up my dose to get relief from anxiety.  My husband would come with me to the appts.  One of the visits he said I was borderline bipolar.  Red flags went off in my brain.  No way, no how was I bipolar.  There wasn't anything behind the diagnosis.  Just my current situation.  He wanted to put me on more meds.  No thank you.

 

The one good thing he advised us to do was move as quickly as we could back to my comfort zone.  I was to eliminate as much stress as possible from my life.. financial, family, house work, health.  I was to live my life in such a way to go with the flow.  He prescribed meditation for 15min 3x a day. 

 

I was diagnosed with adjustment disorder because we had moved away from my family and my husband traveled.  It's a long story, but we started looking immediately for a house to rent back in OC near my family.  I started the meds in March.. we were moved back to OC in July.  By then my dose was up from 1mg a day to 3.5mg.  I started researching what was going on because I knew something wasn't right with the meds.  Then I started the arduous process of taper and here I am.

 

I was such a jittery negative mess that the detox doctor told me I had activated my anxiety gene and would never be able to go off meds or would be in counseling forever.  Again, red flags went off in my brain.  I told him I would take counseling for life.  He said only 1 in 10 can get off the meds without an AD.  I had to prove to both of us his prognosis was wrong.  I feel pretty confident I have done this considering how proud he is of me now.

 

With that said, meds have proven to work against most of us.  Be it chemical or situation the treatment for our deck of cards s/x is the same.  Work thru them.  Except for these last 10 weeks, I have found sudden, instantaneous relief from sx in my belief in God and the truths I find in the bible. 

 

If it makes you feel better to know that you are prone to windows and waves even outside of the benzo experience, then the good news is you know to enjoy the wonder of a window and keep your wave muscle flexed for stormy times.  No matter what, you aren't alone in it.  You can settle in to this prognosis and ride it out only to be pleasantly surprised when hitting 2 years that your s/x are gone and you will have learned amazing coping to help others. 

 

I often wonder too if going thru the recovery of w/d from benzo heals the very problem that started it.  Maybe we grow new pathways or learn that whatever was eating us before benzo is not nearly as bad as what benzo did to us.

 

Peace to you Life.  This stressor is going to pass.  Wait until it's gone.  Your CNS is still healing. 

 

MommyR

 

Mommyr and all, thank you for your replies. As always the family is there for me and each other. No, I do not think that I am bipolar. I have always been a highly productive go getter type of guy. Sometimes I would "rev up" but I never in my life had a manic episode. I did have depression from time to time while on benzos. I used to be your "salesman type" which I guess would have a high energy. I have a prety nasty situation with a current lawsuit and other issues that have occurred along with a impending move to a new home -- so I would say that at least this wave and depression is situational. There is no way of me knowing what part of the wave is benzos and what part is just me dealing with these stresses.I know that when these stresses are not here I feel generally well. So, for me, must of these stresses will be over in 3 to 4 months and so I will know better by then what is "me" and what is "benzos". I personally believe that it is benzos. I mean to event think that I am bipolar I then must be feeling like I am without stresses and that is not me.

 

Love to all and real healing!

 

Life

[[No...]]

Hi Life ... yep ... we just give this stuff more time ... someday we will "unwrap" this stuff and see "who" is inside ... take care, my friend ...

[[Gr...]]

Jrod...spot on!...I am in the exact same place with anxiety and my last ( hopefully) remaining s/x...head pressure and the anxiety it triggers. I am one day into month 11. ...I experience everything you mention.  It was totally holding me back from my life. Seeing a psych wasn't something I wanted to do as most don't really believe the w/d process. My doctor who is great and supports my w/d but wants to try adjunct meds was not where I wanted to go either. ....In desperation I hired a life coach last week. She is grounded ( 2year training and certified..I talked personally to 3 of her past clients)...It oz proving to be so helpful. She is helping me take steps with and beyond anxiety.  She is well aware of my w/d journey and believes in the process..however it is not her scope or focus to advise on meds diagnonsis etc. She just helps me articulate what I want from life ...today...this week...next month...next year. She says,  what do you want from life?." I say,  " not to have anxiety and health fears.. "...she says, " what does that look like?"....I tell her and we break it down and agree on a step to take....the process acknowledges the w/d and s/x....but the focus is on living the life I want anyway in spite of and with s/x. For me it lines up exactly where I am in w/d...better...much better but hanging in limbo in terms of 're-entry '...and by the 2 year time frame it is still early for 're-entry '..but I am stuck stuck stuck. I have Bern following Green and Life and Peace and Nova .....they all seem to picking up their lives piece by piece and that makes sense to me...but I have been locked in 'stuck ' ...so this is helping me.

....Jrod 10 months is wonderful!....I have my sights on month 14...we are so close...you are doing a great job of acknowledging how far you have come and your commitment to going all the way....I am right there with you all the way....You are going to have your life back.  ...coop

 

Coop, I have to tell you, I started going to a 12 step support group when my younger son was smoking a lot of pot and drinking during my withdrawal.  I continue in that program, go to a lot of meetings, and get a lot of spiritual direction.  And I have made friends, wonderful caring, giving women who know my story, who are supportive.  So I've had a lot of outside help with the re-entry.  From early on I was aware that depression, anxiety and fear followed a lot of us into the second year.  I've found that working my own spiritual recovery program helps a lot.  I know myself, and I believe without the outside support I would be suffering longer and more than was necessary.

 

So whatever it is, religion, life coach, therapies, talk therapies, 12-Step support, some of us need some extra help with that re-entry process.  And we have to know when we're ready for the help, when we're ready for re-entry.  Before now, almost 11 months, I was too messed up for help because I wasn't ready for slow re-entry.  We have to be gentle with ourselves, Coop.  We've been through a great trauma.  And we still have symptoms coming and going, we still fear the next big wave. 

 

So I'm so happy to hear about your life coach.  I'm so happy you decided not to go to another doctor, and chose a healthier way to deal with issues.  That's what we have to do now that we don't take pills anymore, isn't it?  Figure out how to take care of ourselves in positive healthy ways.  Good for you.

 

 

[[He...]]

Hi friends,

My up and down pattern continues, which is disheartening.....although both the ups and the downs are higher, so that's good.  I had a really good day yesterday, with very little (if any) anxiety and I taught the full day, participated in the homecoming pep assembly, kept scorebook for 2 volleyball matches (one was very intense), and went out to the homecoming football game.  It was a fun day that was packed full...and I enjoyed it.  I ended up catching a ride home from the football game with a friend after the 3rd quarter ended, but it was because I was getting cold and we were up by about 50 points.  I came home and it felt SO good to crawl into my covers and read before falling asleep.  Such peace and contentment!

 

Today I am somewhat edgy, and I think what I have been calling my anxiety has a substantial element of depression to it.  I stayed home from going to my daughter's out of town vball game because I planned on catching up around the house, but I spent much of the day laying around, reading BB, and ruminating on this process.  Generally bumming myself out, and creating anxiety.  I did get up and take my dog for a walk in the glorious sunshine (SHORTS, in OCTOBER? Crazy!! ) but it didn't pull me out of my depression/anxiety.

 

I've decided that it is time for me to be proactive, yet again.  I haven't been going regularly on my walks, I haven't been keeping up with my house, we haven't been eating dinner as a family, and I've been spending way too much time laying down when I'm at home.  I think I am exacerbating my depression, which is making everything worse. 

 

Yes, I've been hit with some nasty waves, which I know is part of the healing process....but I've let them shake my confidence in healing to my core.  I've allowed these late waves to take the wind out of my sails.  I can't do that anymore. I will be dealing with this for a likely several more months, but I choose to ENJOY LIFE in the meantime. Maybe that will hasten the process in and of itself. 

 

Just writing this is causing my spirits to rise!  I am going to get off the computer, get out of bed, make some banana bread while cleaning the kitchen, and write a menu for this upcoming week.

 

Love to you all.  You are definitely my rock through this storm we are in! 

 

 

[[Gr...]]

Life

 

I often wonder too if going thru the recovery of w/d from benzo heals the very problem that started it.  Maybe we grow new pathways or learn that whatever was eating us before benzo is not nearly as bad as what benzo did to us.

 

MommyR

 

Perfect.  You said what I wanted to say, but you said it better. 

 

OMG, please don't say that!  Pride goeth before the fall, lol.  And I still have that 1 year wave to deal with!

Seriously, you can't go through this process without learning A LOT. 

 

Green, when you tell me I said something right it's like being recognized by a teacher in front of class.  Thank you!!!  I do believe the above.

[[Gr...]]

Hi Folks ...

 

"activating the anxiety gene" ... had this response as well ... when I asked to see the before and after pictures of this "activation" he got really pissed ... told me I had to take this "seriously" ... when I asked again about help coming off K he told me I needed "anger management classes" ... and then when he got more frustrated with me I asked if he was "mirroring" bi-polar" to me to help with our "transference" ... I know, I shouldn't twist the dragon's tail, but, hey, he was too easy and I was in a playful mood, guess he couldn't "accept" me "playing" ... that was the end of a "beautiful" relationship" ...

 

Besides, I don't like being told I am too old for anything ... I am usually just old enough ... when he made that comment, I knew this "consultation" was not going somewhere helpful to me ...

 

Psychiatry ... a broken pseudo-science ... limping along on one rubber crutch ... trying to be "medical" by following the our current cultural practice of medicine ... push pills and ignore the chronic ... yes, life does have its acute moments, and, living is mostly a chronic condition ...

 

And yes, that statement is probably unkind of me ... yes, I have heard stories of others having a helpful experience with the psych folks ... I just have not had one ...

 

Oops ... this is not me "bashing", just me "reporting" ... sorry folks, I am just not in the mood to take the "psych" folks seriously anymore ... not until they take me "seriously" ... I understand relationship as a compassionate, two-way flow, seasoned with respect ... for me, there are other paths to follow and receive encouragement and support from ... for me that is the "litmus test" ... time, encouragement and support ...

 

I do not believe the med I used was inherently "evil" ... rather, I believe the way I used it following the advice and supervision of the medical community was inappropriate ... for me, the med was helpful in my initial acute episode ... what I did not know and what the medical community ignored was it is not appropriate for chronic use ... and this has been "known" for more than forty years ... their "ignorance" is inexcusable ... my "ignorance" has been transformed ... and this is why I am in "benzo recovery" ... my "trust" was abused and their "ignorance" was harmful ...

 

Okay ... time to get off my soapbox and be right here, right now ... today is Saturday ... today is not just a pile of yesterday's memories ... today is the joy of being present ...

 

And, I am getting better ...

 

 

Nova, I have never heard this term before and it made me angry when it was pronounced over me as some radioactive device with a big red button had been pushed and the rockets could not be returned to start.  For me I had an instant reaction just like you.  NO NO NO...Of course, I had something in my past that made me know what he saying was not for me.  It was in that moment I determined whatever had happened was not going to color the rest of my life and I was going to fight tooth and nail to get my life back.  I had no knowledge of BB or even about the extent of damage a benzo could do to me in such a short amount of time. 

 

I am not against meds and know they have a place in the world, but to hand them out so irresponsibly is beyond me.  I have a house guest who has a thyroid problem and takes an SSRi.  It helps her.  I am not against her getting help.  It is us on whom the medicine no longer works or made things worse.  I don't know what else they could have done for me in the ER as I refused the SSRI.  If they would have gotten me counseling immediately and educated about me about underlying stress and said I could only stay on the benzo for a short time.. anything to educate me on anxiety or panic or whatever happened to me would have been better.. but I can't go backwards. 

 

We have had to learn the way thru using our minds and hearts and creating a supportive family to carry us forward.

 

Thank you so much for validating. 

 

MyR

 

M, you're so right.  And we need doctors, we truly do. 

 

But we have to take responsibility for our own actions and what medications we take.  After what we've been through, we have to be educated medical consumers.  We have to do our homework.  When I was offered cholesterol lowering medication and said no, the cardiologist just looked at me a little surprised, shrugged, and said okay.  He really didn't seem to give a sh*&.  I had asked questions prior to going, understood my lab work, and felt the risks and side effects of that med outweighed the benefit.  I think after what I went through with benzos, and all the crazy years of running to doctors and ERs with mystery ailments, and doctors who couldn't be bothered with me, I can't be part of the take-a-pill for everything culture.  My eyes have been opened.  A pill for everything is not the answer.  I don't think doctors take half the crap they prescribe. 

[[Gr...]]

Hi friends,

My up and down pattern continues, which is disheartening.....although both the ups and the downs are higher, so that's good.  I had a really good day yesterday, with very little (if any) anxiety and I taught the full day, participated in the homecoming pep assembly, kept scorebook for 2 volleyball matches (one was very intense), and went out to the homecoming football game.  It was a fun day that was packed full...and I enjoyed it.  I ended up catching a ride home from the football game with a friend after the 3rd quarter ended, but it was because I was getting cold and we were up by about 50 points.  I came home and it felt SO good to crawl into my covers and read before falling asleep.  Such peace and contentment!

 

Today I am somewhat edgy, and I think what I have been calling my anxiety has a substantial element of depression to it.  I stayed home from going to my daughter's out of town vball game because I planned on catching up around the house, but I spent much of the day laying around, reading BB, and ruminating on this process.  Generally bumming myself out, and creating anxiety.  I did get up and take my dog for a walk in the glorious sunshine (SHORTS, in OCTOBER? Crazy!! ) but it didn't pull me out of my depression/anxiety.

 

I've decided that it is time for me to be proactive, yet again.  I haven't been going regularly on my walks, I haven't been keeping up with my house, we haven't been eating dinner as a family, and I've been spending way too much time laying down when I'm at home.  I think I am exacerbating my depression, which is making everything worse. 

 

Yes, I've been hit with some nasty waves, which I know is part of the healing process....but I've let them shake my confidence in healing to my core.  I've allowed these late waves to take the wind out of my sails.  I can't do that anymore. I will be dealing with this for a likely several more months, but I choose to ENJOY LIFE in the meantime. Maybe that will hasten the process in and of itself. 

 

Just writing this is causing my spirits to rise!  I am going to get off the computer, get out of bed, make some banana bread while cleaning the kitchen, and write a menu for this upcoming week.

 

Love to you all.  You are definitely my rock through this storm we are in! 

 

 

HH, I agree, absolutely.  After a wave, I don't know why, but I find it hard to get "back on track."  When I let my little exercise go, my routine, and when I let the house go, I seem to get out of control, my sx rule me again. (Remember you and I talked about the housework last summer?)  I've heard other BB talk about this, coming back after a wave.  It's hard.  But when I do I start to feel better, more in control, more organized.

 

Hang in there.  You know it will pass.  And you will feel even better.  Every time I felt better after a wave, I thought that was as good as it got.  But every time it gets better, baseline goes up.

 

 

[[He...]]

Hi friends,

My up and down pattern continues, which is disheartening.....although both the ups and the downs are higher, so that's good.  I had a really good day yesterday, with very little (if any) anxiety and I taught the full day, participated in the homecoming pep assembly, kept scorebook for 2 volleyball matches (one was very intense), and went out to the homecoming football game.  It was a fun day that was packed full...and I enjoyed it.  I ended up catching a ride home from the football game with a friend after the 3rd quarter ended, but it was because I was getting cold and we were up by about 50 points.  I came home and it felt SO good to crawl into my covers and read before falling asleep.  Such peace and contentment!

 

Today I am somewhat edgy, and I think what I have been calling my anxiety has a substantial element of depression to it.  I stayed home from going to my daughter's out of town vball game because I planned on catching up around the house, but I spent much of the day laying around, reading BB, and ruminating on this process.  Generally bumming myself out, and creating anxiety.  I did get up and take my dog for a walk in the glorious sunshine (SHORTS, in OCTOBER? Crazy!! ) but it didn't pull me out of my depression/anxiety.

 

I've decided that it is time for me to be proactive, yet again.  I haven't been going regularly on my walks, I haven't been keeping up with my house, we haven't been eating dinner as a family, and I've been spending way too much time laying down when I'm at home.  I think I am exacerbating my depression, which is making everything worse. 

 

Yes, I've been hit with some nasty waves, which I know is part of the healing process....but I've let them shake my confidence in healing to my core.  I've allowed these late waves to take the wind out of my sails.  I can't do that anymore. I will be dealing with this for a likely several more months, but I choose to ENJOY LIFE in the meantime. Maybe that will hasten the process in and of itself. 

 

Just writing this is causing my spirits to rise!  I am going to get off the computer, get out of bed, make some banana bread while cleaning the kitchen, and write a menu for this upcoming week.

 

Love to you all.  You are definitely my rock through this storm we are in! 

 

 

HH, I agree, absolutely.  After a wave, I don't know why, but I find it hard to get "back on track."  When I let my little exercise go, my routine, and when I let the house go, I seem to get out of control, my sx rule me again. (Remember you and I talked about the housework last summer?)  I've heard other BB talk about this, coming back after a wave.  It's hard.  But when I do I start to feel better, more in control, more organized.

 

Hang in there.  You know it will pass.  And you will feel even better.  Every time I felt better after a wave, I thought that was as good as it got.  But every time it gets better, baseline goes up.

 

I do remember and I almost PM'ed you again about it.   I think that this REALLY negatively affects me....I get almost paralyzed.  This phenomenon only happens at home, not at work (thank goodness or I would have been fired long ago), but it seems to make me worse.  Then when things start falling behind, it builds more anxiety and more depression, which I certainly DON'T need as I have enough of that with the waves that still hit. To be honest, it feels like I'm failing as a mom, which makes my guilt about being emotionally absent for the past several years from Klonopin rear it's ugly head.  But, I know that my daughters are happy.  I don't want depression and anxiety to blind me to that fact and cause me to look backwards.   

 

I am really going to try to focus on moving beyond this "wave-paralysis".  I don't feel great right now, but it's OK.  I have 2 loaves of banana bread in the oven, half of my kitchen is cleaned and I'm about ready to go back for the 2nd half, and I'm starting to look at the calendar for next week (looks like lots of crock-pot meals as we have games almost every night!) so I can make out a menu and grocery list. 

 

I guess this is the major focus of my own re-entry process. 

 

I am so incredibly happy that you are feeling so much better!! 

[[Co...]]

HH and Green....boy are we a threesom...I am right where you are HH...late into year one and up down..up down...windows and waves both more intense ...and like you and Green..after this last wave my confidence was completely whacked!. ..and cant seem to be brave again like you and Green are. I went shopping with my daughter yesterday and did pretty good except for cog fog...completely overwhelmed at times and had a moderate panic in the checkout...but I got through it and was very glad that I went. ...was fine once I got home.

....I am right where both of you are...I want to start picking up my life again as I can feel so much more healing. But I am stuck.  I do keep my little routine going ..but I font have to work. I actually cling to my routine of incessant cleaning and household chores as a distraction. ..

...I finally hired a life coach to support me in real time. I think it will be helpful.

....HH and Green...after months of keeping on keeping on I think these late waves just take it out of us and bouncing back takes longer. In month 5 when I would get a wave I would get right back up because I was so sure healing was right around the corner. ...now it takes longer...and I am less sure that healing is " just a few weeks away ". ....but I do know we are all healing...we are all going to have our lives back ...and we are all so close...It is so reassuring to read your posts and see that we are all 3 experiencing such similar ups and downs....so thankful for both of you.....coop

[[li...]]

Hi friends,

My up and down pattern continues, which is disheartening.....although both the ups and the downs are higher, so that's good.  I had a really good day yesterday, with very little (if any) anxiety and I taught the full day, participated in the homecoming pep assembly, kept scorebook for 2 volleyball matches (one was very intense), and went out to the homecoming football game.  It was a fun day that was packed full...and I enjoyed it.  I ended up catching a ride home from the football game with a friend after the 3rd quarter ended, but it was because I was getting cold and we were up by about 50 points.  I came home and it felt SO good to crawl into my covers and read before falling asleep.  Such peace and contentment!

 

Today I am somewhat edgy, and I think what I have been calling my anxiety has a substantial element of depression to it.  I stayed home from going to my daughter's out of town vball game because I planned on catching up around the house, but I spent much of the day laying around, reading BB, and ruminating on this process.  Generally bumming myself out, and creating anxiety.  I did get up and take my dog for a walk in the glorious sunshine (SHORTS, in OCTOBER? Crazy!! ) but it didn't pull me out of my depression/anxiety.

 

I've decided that it is time for me to be proactive, yet again.  I haven't been going regularly on my walks, I haven't been keeping up with my house, we haven't been eating dinner as a family, and I've been spending way too much time laying down when I'm at home.  I think I am exacerbating my depression, which is making everything worse. 

 

Yes, I've been hit with some nasty waves, which I know is part of the healing process....but I've let them shake my confidence in healing to my core.  I've allowed these late waves to take the wind out of my sails.  I can't do that anymore. I will be dealing with this for a likely several more months, but I choose to ENJOY LIFE in the meantime. Maybe that will hasten the process in and of itself. 

 

Just writing this is causing my spirits to rise!  I am going to get off the computer, get out of bed, make some banana bread while cleaning the kitchen, and write a menu for this upcoming week.

 

Love to you all.  You are definitely my rock through this storm we are in! 

 

 

So great to hear from you HH! I just think that the depression comes from our weary brains having to deal with this late stage  waves. As we start to move away from them we will equalize. I really believe that anyone that has waves past 7 months feels a bit weary/tired. It is also hard when we start feeling so good to be hit by a wave. Its crazy. I had a 6 week window this summer and then bam! But then again I think that I also must give myself room as I have situational depression for sure.

 

I pray you heal forever and as quick as possible.

 

life

[[pe...]]

I just wanted to pop in and say I had a 90% window today. You all know where I was a week ago... this process is so very unpredictable. Staying the course.

 

Peace2

[[Co...]]

Peace!.....that is just wonderful news.. .I am so so happy for you...coop

[[je...]]

Great news Peace!!! You deserve it, and I hope you enjoyed every minute of it!! You are healing girlfriend jenny

[[...]]

I just wanted to pop in and say I had a 90% window today. You all know where I was a week ago... this process is so very unpredictable. Staying the course.

 

Peace2

 

Peace ,That's awesome !

 

[[mr...]]

Hey gang,

 

Just wanted to let you know that I've collected some of my most favorite posts of other buddies "feeling the fear and doing it anyways" and posted them on a thread in the Accentuate The Positive section. These posts have been some very influential posts on inspiring me to carry a better attitude, or to overcome and/or face a fear, etc along my journey thus far, and I was looking for more stories like these to inspire more.

 

If you have any favorite "old" posts you've found that inspired you to overcome a fear or anxiety, or you have a personal story of "feeling the fear and doing it anyways", I'd love to hear it I draw so much from victory stories like these

 

The link to it is here, if you are interested in reading or have something to post: http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=117974.msg1547466#msg1547466

 

Thanks buddies for your love & support,

 

Mrs.

[[Gr...]]

HH and Green....boy are we a threesom...I am right where you are HH...late into year one and up down..up down...windows and waves both more intense ...and like you and Green..after this last wave my confidence was completely whacked!. ..and cant seem to be brave again like you and Green are. I went shopping with my daughter yesterday and did pretty good except for cog fog...completely overwhelmed at times and had a moderate panic in the checkout...but I got through it and was very glad that I went. ...was fine once I got home.

....I am right where both of you are...I want to start picking up my life again as I can feel so much more healing. But I am stuck.  I do keep my little routine going ..but I font have to work. I actually cling to my routine of incessant cleaning and household chores as a distraction. ..

...I finally hired a life coach to support me in real time. I think it will be helpful.

....HH and Green...after months of keeping on keeping on I think these late waves just take it out of us and bouncing back takes longer. In month 5 when I would get a wave I would get right back up because I was so sure healing was right around the corner. ...now it takes longer...and I am less sure that healing is " just a few weeks away ". ....but I do know we are all healing...we are all going to have our lives back ...and we are all so close...It is so reassuring to read your posts and see that we are all 3 experiencing such similar ups and downs....so thankful for both of you.....coop

 

Coop, you're right, sx are up and down, and can be very intense and uncomfortable.  I would be freaking out, except they don't last that long.  Although I have some days that are worse than others.  It is crazy.  I'm not sleeping that well.  And I had the cog fog going on today.  It's just not as bad as in the past, or not as long.  What's different?  That I have my mind.  That's it.  and my fatigue isn't as bad.

 

You're doing better than you think you are.  Getting the life coach was a big deal. You're moving.  Slowly.  As you should. And, like Life said, we're all very, very tired of this.  It's physically and mentally exhausting.

 

When do you see your life coach?  Or did you already?

 

Feel better.