6-12 month thread....

[[No...]]

Whoot ... so-so ... had a good walk in the sun this morning after a weekend of drippy windy weather for three days ... getting out usually helps my mood and if I walk long enough things often ease up for a while ...

[[wh...]]

Getting outside does help...I will do that too.  Cold and windy here too.  Winter is brewing on the prairies .... I want my Indian Summer...still might happen.

You are almost at your one year out buddy....wow.  That is a major accomplishment. I'll be there next May and I'm going to Disneyworld. Already have it booked.

Feel good today....thank you for being such an inspiration and friend. I picture you out there on the beautiful east coast in the sunshine smiling

[[mr...]]

Thanks Drew

how do you work?  I was through a interdose withdrawal but have not been working for a year now.  I just can't handle it; I'm a student advisor at a very busy college and I would just end up crying in the bathroom stall throughout the day.....ugh.

I just can't stop the horrible anxiety sometimes; I just want it to stop.  every pain or weird body sensation is over analyzed and I'm sure I'm dying....

Ugh.  I've heard so many buddies talk about this and for me its been worst. Any reassurance that this will stop from everyone would help.  I know I seem to need this constantly when its bad. I want to live and be normal and happy ....... so hard when it's bad.

 

Hey Coop and others with tinnitus.  My sweetie suffers from it as well; not do to benzos; but we got a treatment kit from Biogetica and so far it has helped.  You might want to look into it.

 

I'm just gonna get through this day guys.  So scared; sad etc. :'(.  Hope you are all well.

 

Whoot-I have to work because I have no one to help me through this in real life.  I now live with my GF but that was only as of two months ago.  I am fortunate that I am established in a sales career and can mostly come and go as I please.  Taht is not to say there hasn't been difficulties.  I went to counseling with my business partner because he felt I wasn't holding up my end and my behavior was erratic.  It is obvious in hindsight and I am doing much better now.  I get raised anxiety and adrenaline rushes(I refuse to call them panic attacks and give them power over me) almost every day at work.  Once in a while the day is unbearable and I will cut it short.  I jsut figure it makes no sense I should have more symptoms out of the house so I will overcome them. 

It also all comes down to "we will do what we have to do" to survive and then at a later point we look back and say "how the heck did I do that".  Many people deal with things and are in their own personal hell.  How do people survive in captivity? Concentration camps? etc...Are minds and bodies are way stronger than the benzo brain will allow us to believe.[\b] 

 

LOVE it, drew. Just...LOVE it.

 

Mrs.

[[He...]]

Thanks Drew

how do you work?  I was through a interdose withdrawal but have not been working for a year now.  I just can't handle it; I'm a student advisor at a very busy college and I would just end up crying in the bathroom stall throughout the day.....ugh.

I just can't stop the horrible anxiety sometimes; I just want it to stop.  every pain or weird body sensation is over analyzed and I'm sure I'm dying....

Ugh.  I've heard so many buddies talk about this and for me its been worst. Any reassurance that this will stop from everyone would help.  I know I seem to need this constantly when its bad. I want to live and be normal and happy ....... so hard when it's bad.

 

Hey Coop and others with tinnitus.  My sweetie suffers from it as well; not do to benzos; but we got a treatment kit from Biogetica and so far it has helped.  You might want to look into it.

 

I'm just gonna get through this day guys.  So scared; sad etc. :'(.  Hope you are all well.

 

Whoot-I have to work because I have no one to help me through this in real life.  I now live with my GF but that was only as of two months ago.  I am fortunate that I am established in a sales career and can mostly come and go as I please.  Taht is not to say there hasn't been difficulties.  I went to counseling with my business partner because he felt I wasn't holding up my end and my behavior was erratic.  It is obvious in hindsight and I am doing much better now.  I get raised anxiety and adrenaline rushes(I refuse to call them panic attacks and give them power over me) almost every day at work.  Once in a while the day is unbearable and I will cut it short.  I jsut figure it makes no sense I should have more symptoms out of the house so I will overcome them. 

It also all comes down to "we will do what we have to do" to survive and then at a later point we look back and say "how the heck did I do that".  Many people deal with things and are in their own personal hell.  How do people survive in captivity? Concentration camps? etc...Are minds and bodies are way stronger than the benzo brain will allow us to believe.   

 

OH boy....today is a BRUTAL day.  Whoot, if I even went into the bathroom stall to cry, I don't think I'd be able to stop.  :'(

 

Drew, I get those anxiety rushes throughout the day still.  It's not all the time, but I'm in a horrible state of anxiety today.  Please, can this day end???  Last night was terrible for sleep and anxiety.  Not sure why....just a wave, I guess. 

 

OK...my class came back in from recess.  It's time to manage my small groups.  I hope I don't drop over dead. 

[[wh...]]

Thanks guys.  I think I might do better if I get out of the house.

Can't seem to get off the couch for fear I might die....

HH ... amazing you are and thank you.....of course we will not die but can someone convince my silly benzo brain.

OMG. I was just reading all the posts and what an intelligent, well-spoken group this is. I really think a book should be made from the posts and insights on these boards....

I get my guy to read them sometimes so he can really see that the suffering is so real and only we seem to be able to put it into words. Because we are all living it and we can say exactly what we are thinking and feeling here....no matter how horrible or scary or just plain crazy sounding it is.

[[dr...]]

HH-by the time you read this your day will be over   great job!!!

[[mr...]]

OH boy....today is a BRUTAL day.  Whoot, if I even went into the bathroom stall to cry, I don't think I'd be able to stop.  :'(

 

Drew, I get those anxiety rushes throughout the day still.  It's not all the time, but I'm in a horrible state of anxiety today.  Please, can this day end???  Last night was terrible for sleep and anxiety.  Not sure why....just a wave, I guess. 

 

OK...my class came back in from recess.  It's time to manage my small groups.  I hope I don't drop over dead. 

 

HH, remember after those waves comes a much higher baseline, and overall dramatic improvements! Looking forward to what this wave leaves you with for healing!! Its going to be so much better than before!

 

Mrs.

[[wh...]]

HH:  how are things now?  I hope you are better.

My anxiety just wont let up today but maybe this evening I'll get a break from it.  At least I see it for what it is now when before it was just this all encompassing terror with no rhyme or reason. It has a face now. Its been a very rough, long day......

I hope everyone has a good evening. 

[[Co...]]

Peace...thank you for your lovely words...that is the only time I have bailed on a family event..ugghhh ...but I was there a good 45 minutes...at least it was with family. I felt much better when I got home....time time time...m

...WHOOT....Boy do I hear you!...We are in the same story.. Needing constant reassurance is part of the w/d...not part of you....irrational terrifying health fears are part of the w/d ...not part of you. ...I suffer torturing health fear and when I am in a health fear wave I need reassurance all day long. I want to run to er and demand every possible ct,  mri,  scope,  ultasound and x-ray. Whoot...it has a life of its own...it is impossible. (Imo) to talk yourself out of a true spin. The Benzo Beast does not listen to reason and hijacks your mind. That is not to say that when it backs down a notch positive rational thinking is very effective. I also have days in which I know for sure that I am dying....and the next day feel completely normal. I as well have been through it a thousand times....just like A Hundred First Dates or whatever that movie was...each time it hits me is almost as convincing as the first. ...That is w/d....not you. And yes,  new or intense body s/x send me straight to " I am dying " misery. ...

.....Every so often I can be all zen about it like Nova,  but usually it just drags me under throws me around..and flings me up on shore dazed and exhausted. ...I will say that these awful episodes are happening less and further apart,  but when they happen they are not much better than acute...however I haven't been to er in months ( I have been to er x2 during w/d). ...

.....Even though I wrote a very negative post last night...I have to believe this will end some day...for good...and it will for all of us.

....Whootie you are really doing a tremendous job...I can tell that you are as scared to death as I am at times and yet you maintain a pragmatic ' observer ' frame of mind...So very sorry that you are having such gripping anxiety...you are going to come out on the other side...but while you are coming through one of these it is just miserable...it will pass. You have my thoughts and heart Whoot....hope your day was better.  Coop

[[Co...]]

HH....I am just sorry...sorry sorry that you are suffering like this. Nobody should have to cry in the bathroom at work. What a warrior you are. Teachers are absolute hereos. You and Peace put me to shame. I don't know what to say HH except I am thinking of you and it is rotten that the Benzo Beast is throwing you all around after you have come so far. You will soon be done with this...I am wishing you a much much better evening and 100% healing ....coop

[[He...]]

Drew, Mrs, and Whoot,

I made it through the school day, now I just have a volleyball game to watch and keep book for.  I sure HOPE that after this wave, which is going on several weeks now, will come a higher baseline.  That has been the pattern before, so I am praying that it holds true. 

 

My anxiety it still way up.  Lots of chest pressure, almost like a ball is stuck, but my heart rate is good and it's definitely in my sternum rather than my heart.  I am so exhausted from waking up every hour from 3:00 on, so I'm looking forward to crashing into my bed tonight. 

 

The good news?  I have pulled pork in the crockpot for sandwiches tonight.   

 

Definitely a very rough, long day.  Thankfully, with my mental reframing that happened over the weekend, I am better able to accept it.  But could it PLEASE just go away??? 

[[He...]]

HH....I am just sorry...sorry sorry that you are suffering like this. Nobody should have to cry in the bathroom at work. What a warrior you are. Teachers are absolute hereos. You and Peace put me to shame. I don't know what to say HH except I am thinking of you and it is rotten that the Benzo Beast is throwing you all around after you have come so far. You will soon be done with this...I am wishing you a much much better evening and 100% healing ....coop

 

Thanks Coop!    Luckily, I didn't actually cry in the bathroom, but I sure felt like I could. 

There is such a thing as a "teacher game face".  I can get in front of a classroom and switch into "Mrs. Hope" mode and pretty much power though anything.  Mrs. Hope is all smiles, encouraging words, and strong lessons. It has been what has kept me going many times through last year and a few tough days this year.  It's amazing what dark things a smile will cover.  I have been amazed that hardly no one, outside of you guys, even KNOW when I feel badly.  How can that be possible?  I know that I am guilty of it too....I guess we only see what a person wants us to see.

Love to you.  Wishing you healing as well!   

[[pe...]]

HH-

It's all about the teacher game face. It saves me everyday.

Hope tomorrow is much better for you.

 

Peace2

[[Co...]]

Nova.  Sorry you are still up and down and all around. I read all of your posts and am encouraged by all of them ...even the ones that chronicle the tough side of this trek. It is your acceptance and ability to take each day on it's own. I can do that sometimes...but I run off the tracks with body sensations even though they have never killed me...though each time I am sure they will...You are such a voice of reason to us Nova..  I hope you sleep well tonight and have a day with sunbreaks tomorrow. ...coop

[[Co...]]

Green...thinking of you.....wishing you big sunbreaks and more 'getting out there ' days...coop

[[dr...]]

Coop-I'm right there with you on the health anxiety.  It's so hard

[[mr...]]

Coop-I'm right there with you on the health anxiety.  It's so hard

 

Does it ever just peeve you off? Like you KNOW you're NOT afraid of it, the Real You. But your body wants to react to it like you are! Grr. Makes me, the Real Me, go like this and this to my body!!

 

Coop, love ya girl. It is comforting to me to see so many of us experience the same type things -- you know? Its not just "you" or "me". And YES, we CAN -- even when we feel like we "can't". Hooray!!  So thankful for other butt kicking withdrawal warriors that 'faced the fear and did it anyways', and blazed the path for all of us to follow Way to hang with your family for 45 minutes, even in the face of feeling 'ick' -- that's a warrior's move And Drew & HH working day-in, day-out despite how they feel -- warrior's move And Life, with his revamped attitude following the retreat, taking responsibility and accountability for his thoughts & feelings even though they are not really his "own" -- warrior's move And everyone else on here -- Nova, MommyR, Barton, Whoot, Peace, Jenny, and everyone else on here -- all warriors for walking this path! You all know the way out is THROUGH, and you're doing it anyways That is courageous!

 

Love ya guys Almost time for bed here, so I'll say g'night for now

 

Mrs.

[[Co...]]

Thanks Drew...its reassuring to know it is not " just me " This has dogged me the last 6 months. In acute I just took it for granted that everything was w/d and in a " few " months ( I really thought I would have it done by 6 months...lol) I would be my old self. Then I had my first health panic...palpitations from hell and a frantic trip to er thinking I was in the middle of a heart attack. The er trip totally traumatized me.. I had 1 more trip several months later for a b/p run amuck...All of those issues resolved but left me a new s/x..  the " I am dying " s/x. Then persistent head pressure and headaches came along and scare me to death even though I know many others have it and it is common w/d,  it freaks me out because it has been coming and going since June. ...Tonight it is better and I am mostly rational. But I have developed a fear of head pressure now...even when I don't have it. At 11 months off I am just tired and done leasing around with this. ...but the Benzo Beast wants to keep dancing...sigh

.....I know it will end for all of us eventually....thanks again Drew.  the reply means a lot....I am wishing you...and all of us a big long break from this exhausting hike....coop

[[Co...]]

Mrs. ...we love you too! !...what a positive warrior you are...even when you are mad...that's positivity!  ....Yes,  I get mad...but first I get depressed usually.. then worn out.. then I start all over again. Today I was better...my head pressure mercifully let up,  but I was so tired from all the ramp yesterday. ..I wasn't in bed ( I haven't had to stay in bed for months now so that is an improvement), but I had a very low key day...my rahrahrah is not there for me today....so thank you for yours Mrs ...you are such a blast of encouragement and ' keep it going ' spirit...

....thank you for all the support and huge information digging that you do for us...so very helpful.  .wishing you big bright windows....coop

[[dr...]]

Coop-funny I as just typing on another thread that while tapering I had a reason for feeling all these symptoms and now in month six they cause me health anxiety.  I had the heart palps at two months off and it sent me into the worst panic ever.  I never had them before then.  Now in addition to daily head stuff(which set me off) I have weird nerve stuff.  Like my arms and legs don't want to listen to my brain and my fingerstips  feel like balloons.  Also lots of muscle pain. My health anxiety is off the charts.  I'm sitting here jumping out of my skin.  Wish it was bed time.

 

I thought I'd be way better in month six.  Now I know I'm in for the long haul. It's funny as I'm sure I'm better off than while tapering but I don't recall it being worse.

 

 

[[No...]]

Drew ... I have gone through many shifts in which side effects show up ... I had pretty much the same "pattern" all through taper ... when new ones show up if often knocked me off centre ... thought I "knew" what was going on ... this stuff has its own path ... I am not driving, just a passenger ...

 

Awake again after three hours of sleep ... somewhere else another buddy described this as "toxic sleep" ...

[[No...]]

Coop ... sitting here at 1 AM ... wondering whatever happened to that 10 day window last summer ... and wondering "was that it" ... do I get to drag this ball and chain around for the rest of my days? ...

 

I "know" that is not "true" ... and ... wondering if I am going down some sort of spiral again ... and keeping the memory of those 10 days "up front" ... feels like a long time ago ...

[[Mo...]]

Coop ... sitting here at 1 AM ... wondering whatever happened to that 10 day window last summer ... and wondering "was that it" ... do I get to drag this ball and chain around for the rest of my days? ...

 

I "know" that is not "true" ... and ... wondering if I am going down some sort of spiral again ... and keeping the memory of those 10 days "up front" ... feels like a long time ago ...

 

I am remembering too Nova.  I'm remembering the last time I slept and wasn't being squeezed hourly by whatever is going on in my body.  There are questions inside me asking if I did something wrong to cause this suffering yet knowing it could be worse so trying not to complain.

 

I wear workout clothes mostly because I sweat all the time.  How was I doing so well back in July to have traveled for 3 weeks on vacation?  Did pushing thru some waviness really cause this large of a backlash?  I'm constantly searching for an answer on this.  It's hard to believe this wil end.  That indeed there is an end date for this process.  Even if I somehow lucked out on entering menopause during w/d .. Even that has to end at some point.

 

Whatever my last day of this looks like I'm holding on to Lost Dog and all those who suffered ahead of us.  Hopefully we can get our sleep sprinkled thru the day.

[[No...]]

MommyR ... thank you ... I need to "remember" even though doing so sometimes confuses today ... memories help keep me "on track" when there is no track that I can see right now ...

 

This inner "something" walking with me ...

 

Life ... is this the "depression" you other folks speak of? ... this doldrum, this plateau of doubt ...

 

The exhaustion of expectancy ... the "tease" of healing ...

 

Well ... it is Tuesday ... on we go ... moving to the cadence of our journey ...

 

"Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag ... and smile, smile, smile" and "what's the use of worrying" ...

 

Time for breakfast ... have a good day, Folks ...

 

 

[[...]]

It just amazes me that we each speak of acute, then some improvements, only to see our new symptoms arise. Those move on only for other new ones to show up!

 

Nova, I think it is the depression that many speak of...I think it's what I'm experiencing. It's very different when we get the "tease" of healing! I'm thankful for the wonderful windows!

 

Hoping everyone gets relief!

 

Happy Tuesday!!