6-12 month thread....

[[li...]]

I am detecting a small pattern here on this thread... it seems to me that as some us us progress and we get later on in our recovery that we are getting longer lasting waves from time to time? I wonder if my thoughts are true -- what is that all about? Any suggestions or comments? Mine are definitely stress related as far as I know.

 

Life

[[No...]]

GMIT ... yes ... I believe so ... and we move along ... I sure am getting a much different experience of the time/healing process than I thought I knew anything about ...

 

I suppose one can teach an old dog new tricks ...

 

This is a lot like "school" in my younger years ... get through the first grade, then the second ... and so on ... always looking ahead ... I sure got "slowed down" ... with this stuff ...

 

Have a good day

[[No...]]

Ah Life ... "what is this all about?" ... you ask such wonderful questions ... yes, I believe there are patterns within this process ...

 

Listened to a marvelous book a couple of years ago "God's Hotel" ... and I and perhaps we are living some of the lessons explored in that book ... time and healing ...

 

Victoria Sweet wrote it ...

[[...]]

Nova, scary, but I think you are reading my mind!! This "depression" (I guess it is) has me asking myself so many times, "what is this all about?" Also, "what is the point of this?"

 

More questions than answers!!

 

[[pe...]]

I always like to hear about the lifting, the possibilities. So, I'll share mine too. I'm ok. How glorious is that? I have some funk around the edges, I guess I'd call it fear. I am not horribly depressed and my dr lifted a few weeks ago. Even with the fear hanging around, I noticed today that I'm not as afraid of my clothes. During this process, I've been afraid of everything. But today I'm wearing a dress I haven't worn for about two years and as silly as it is, that feels like progress.

I still have the feeling this bubble could burst at any moment, but it could also come back. So, for all of you waving around it works the same way. The wavy bubble can pop at any moment and bring you closer to the true you, the one that's not afraid of dresses.

 

Peace2

[[No...]]

Hi Peace ... thanks for the lift ... yes ... I get so "hesitant" about too many things ... something might break again or "pop" ... oh well ... have a good day ...

[[Sk...]]

GMIT ... yes ... I believe so ... and we move along ... I sure am getting a much different experience of the time/healing process than I thought I knew anything about ...

 

I suppose one can teach an old dog new tricks ...

 

This is a lot like "school" in my younger years ... get through the first grade, then the second ... and so on ... always looking ahead ... I sure got "slowed down" ... with this stuff ...

 

Have a good day

 

I couldn't agree more with you Nova !

 

Many of yesterday's posts are about anxiety. I am crippled by it these days and it is ridiculous. THis is not something I had before. For example tomorrow I have four lessons. They are not back to back and that is great. They are not a lot, on the contrary.

 

But, a fear, a very real fear is that my brain will shut down while I am having a lesson. It does shut down very often these days, and it takes very little to shut it down.

 

Now, even if it does happen, what is the problem ? It will not be the end of the world.

 

I have to prepare and that is very hard for me, I move in slow motion, my brain is slow

 

So these are my anxieties, but I can rationalize them, talk to myself but it does not change the fact that my chest is in pain and I can barely breather and it is nuts.

 

A new development, part of  the " school never ends" thing, is that when I wake up I have head pain. Not head pressure, not a headache, God forbid I get anything as mundane as all that . It is the feeling that if I sleep a minute longer it will get worse. If I use my brain for one more thought, the pain will get worse.

 

Who knows, never a dull moment. When we think we have seen it all, and we have, we get something new and interesting.

 

The wavy bubble can pop at any moment and bring you closer to the true you, the one that's not afraid of dresses.

 

Peace, I get it, well put. I look forward to a being that person soon.

 

Everybody, hope you are having a better day.

 

I wonder what is up with Green.

 

I will tell you I am a bit disgruntled today, so if my lesson does not knock out my little chicken brain, I might come back to indulge in some moaning !

[[mr...]]

It can, and will, pass. Waves come, and they go. For those of you that believe in this sort of thing, the bible even says that there is a season for everything! So, this too must pass. Seasons are never a permanent thing, they were not created to be that way

 

I've read it often said that "the first year off was the 'worst' part of withdrawal", and the second year as the "reentry" year. Gang, we're all so close here. Let's not shift our glances and be persuaded by the lies -- know that this is passing as we speak, and that this time next year will be an amazingly different experience, for the better That "ease" of life will have returned

 

Love you all. Take care,

 

Mrs.

[[Co...]]

Nova,  Life, Gmit,  Drew.. yes I think it all sounds like low level persistent depression. Who wouldn't be depressed with on going not well feelings, little and broken sleep, fear and physical discomforts and pain...all at some degree or another on a daily basis. I consider the whole process 'acute ' at various levels with rotating s/x. I will say that the difference for me between 'early acute ' and 'late acute ' is that in months 3-5 ( the first 8 weeks after jumping were nearly asymptomatic for me) I had several intense s/x all at the same time intensely.  Now I get one or two intensely over weeks of time ...and some windows. For me the depression ( I have never had depression...even in depressing times before benzos) rises from the weariness of,  as Nova so aptly describes,  the "the tease of healing ". ...it is so wearisome.

....I also cling to the success stories and the knowledge that we are all experiencing the same pattern and many of the same s/x. Unfortunately. ...I do not take comfort in anyone 's misery ..but it tells us that what we are suffering is all w/d and not ' us '...we are all going to heal.  the trick I guess is to keep on keeping on...keep enduring...keep getting through.  keep going one day at a time..hand in hand...it is the hand in hand that is getting me through. I am so grateful for every single one of you.

....Wishing you all a better day...holding every one of you in my heart.  Coop 

[[Co...]]

Sky....complain away dear friend that's why we are here and the head stuff is way complain worthy. I am so sorry to hear that you are developing head pain.  I totally get it that it is not a headache but head pain ...and yes getting up helps. But who wants to get up at 4 am. Excedrin sometimes took the edge off mine. It stinks Sky. Did you have it in the early months?. I didn't get it until month 6. At month 11 it may ( knock on wood) be getting somewhat better but still cycles. I will say that most people on the ' support for head pressure ' thread get rid of it sooner than that. .  Also hot packs to the back of the neck help.

....This wont last forever Sky.  .I like what Mrs says about year ooneone being the worst and year two being more about re- entry...really hoping for that. ....thinking of you today Sky.....coop

[[wh...]]

Hi Coop and everyone and thank you for understanding.  It's nice to be reassured that it is withdrawal....I know you have been dealing with these extreme health fears throughout your withdrawal. I know you told me already but it does get better right? 

 

I was feeling pretty hopeful and almost good and then "wham" hit by major morning fear again that sticks with me all day.

It sounds like it is manageable for you now and when I read through all the posts there definitely does seem to be a common theme for all of us.  It is very tiring but we have to stay positive.

I'm going to read success stories today....

Love you guys.  Sorry we have to walk this path....at least we are together. 

[[Co...]]

Whoot...it does get better...then it gets worse...then it gets better....and your baseline improves and then it gets worse...and then your baseline improves some more. The labyrinth of w/d...the non- linear path of w/d . I needed ( and still do.. maybe more so in the late months) constant.  constant with a capital C reassurance. I am surprised that I have not been asked to leave the forum because I am wearing everyone out with incessant whining and complaining.

......I really don't even know what to say anymore except that it does get better...I truly believe that I and all of us will heal and the only thing that gets us through is going through and our best tool is distraction and the ability to endure.  And faith...faith that we will get our lives back....and most of all each other...I am not exclusively Christian ( Buddhist/Catholic) but I can say that witnessing the unwavering support from people who are themselves suffering has been a lesson in the Compassionate Heart to me.... I am finding that as this goes on I am more pragmatic...tougher...a little jaded and hugely more believing in the intentional mind and living the moment. Maybe in year two I will have dusted off my spirit to see it sparkle again. 

......My heart is with all of you....Peace,  west that dress like a magic shield from anxiety....you are rocking it girl!...You just never fail to pick yourself up from some k o'clock out punches...dust yourself off and get back in the game...you are an inspiration to me

.....Yesterday was beautiful here I said.  " I am going to sit on my patio...est dark chocolate and have 1 oz of red wine....and I don't care...". I went to the store ..bought some Dove dark chocolate...with all the good wishes messages inside the wrappers....found my favorite pinot noir and sat in the sun reading Gone Girl ( love it) and enjoyed ...enjoyed the moment...it was totally worth it and I didn't notice any worsening in my s/x... I am not advocating alcohol in any way. I just got tired of living on eggshells due to w/d. I was in a mood of " this is goingvto be what it is regardless....so why not have a piece of chocolate and 2 sips of wine "....Other than that I take really....really good care of my nutrition and yoga.

......wishing everyone a day of improvements ....coop

[[dr...]]

good posts everyone.

 

peace-so happy you got some relief

 

Whoot-this stuff is so unpredictable I am wishing your pattern of the whole day being bad changes.... (waving my magic benzo wand)....TODAY! 

 

Coop-I know what you mean...sometimes we have to throw caution to the wind to feel normal.  I grilled some dry aged Ribeye steaks and had opened up a bottle of very good wine.  I only had a half glass and my gf happily finished it.  It was worth it for the "normalcy"

[[Co...]]

Drew good tor you!...and it brings up a good point...sometimes our loved ones need release from our w/d too...yo enjoy a moment with us..to see that we will return to normal ..and when we can we will enjoy ' normal ' moments along the way with them...do glad for you that you enjoyed some great steak and wine with your love....so good for both of you...I love your posts Drew.. thank you for taking the time to post to us....wishing you big sunbreaks....coop

[[Mo...]]

Yup... What Coop said.. You get better, you get worse, you getter better you get worse, etc.

 

Somehow you are healing in the process.  I am somehow healing but somehow not.  There is definition a season with this stuff.  Mrs says it right too. 

 

Everyone of us is wondering when and if it will end.  We feel the morphing changes in our emotional and physical states.  Some are worse then others but all are suffering.  Is our group going to be the group with no graduates?  Will we be the group where no one gets to claim healing and 100%? 

 

No way... It just can not be and don't go searching on the protracted boards either.  The worst case I am aware of is Dr Jennifer Leigh.  She is 39 months and got slammed back in June.  It shock some of us pretty hard.  Her wave has lasted 5 months but yesterday she felt the change. She's coming out of it.  There is a positive survivalist voice there.  She's not giving up and neither wil I

 

I will sleep again.  I tasted and hour of normal a few weeks ago in my sleep.  I looking for all my reasons to be thankful.  I will take the sqeezing fuzzy brain that shoves doom down my gut and then releases with fire on my face over the platter of s/x we could be experiencing.

 

This weekend I bought all new winter clothes for my giant 7 year old.  Since he was born I have loved watching him grow thru the clothes.  I tuck them away and smile when my 3 year old puts on a shirt worn by big brother.  I think of the stories that shirt could tell.  My 7 year old has slowed his growth to every 6 months.. Haha. I love telling family go I 'have to' to buy a bigger size because his clothes just don't fit any more.  Last year I would have very sick at this time.  Next year at this time I'm sure more victories will have been won.

 

Yesterday was very frustrating for me.  Lots of adrenaline and sensations of hysteria.  It's like I have a veil on my brain the past 10 weeks.  I doing all the things I love to do and waiting for the sensation they are supposed to bring.  I know it's there but not a deep of a sensation as I know it should be.

 

My cousin, whom I love, thinks she knows what we are going thru. She doesn't understand the dependancy that was created by the meds.  She had a back injury and was on morphine tabs for a year.  She said they told her she could if she stopped suddenly but she didn't.  She doesn't understand the rape our brains can experience from this stuff.  It frustrated me.  Time to walk away.

 

I love you all dearly.

 

Life, I've been doing whatever this latest thing is for 10 weeks.  Maybe it's like the waters are settling after the flood.  Now we just them to be absorbed back into our body.

 

Hugs,

MyR

 

 

[[wh...]]

Really great posts.

I am just so scared today; hysterical like MommyR says; I can barely stand it.  I rate my days from 1 to 10 number 1 being good .....so when I look back I can see a pattern.  Right now today is a 10+....begging God to help me.  It's weird that even though I'm giving today a 10+ it still is a better 10+ then before?

I was pretty good on the weekend; like you guys say it's almost harder to bear after some good days/moments.....

I'll just hang on today....Love you guys. I hope you are all feeling better today.  I hope I will later as my sweetie will be home and I don't like putting him through this over and over.  We were so happy that it was better but today feels like I'm back at the beginning.

[[Gr...]]

Hello everybody, I have been missing for a few days and I am totally out of the loop with the thread.

 

I can't hope to catch up with the thread !

 

So, I am starting a clean slate from here. I had a few busy days in which I had symptoms but at least my brain, was not haunted by that black cloud that seems to follow me everywhere.

And that makes such a difference, let me tell you. You can have palps and vibrations but if the mind is alright it is bearable.

 

Unfortunately, my brain is the most affected part so working with my brain, requires careful planning, because it shuts  down after very little effort.

In order to get my lessons done, get the preparation done, I had to avoid any other brain activity, which included BB. It got me very tired but that was ok.

I had some back to back lessons, and mr Sky would bring me something warm to drink, or a quick bite, to keep my brain slightly connected and I managed somehow.

 

At nights I have been sleeping like a log even though, falling asleep is something that triggers all of my symptoms. I stick to my two naps during the day, because otherwise I am a zombie !

I hope that this will get easier on me in time. Seems yesterday that a one hour lesson made me sick for two days in a row !

 

I hope to find it easier to be on BB and do my things but that might take time.

 

I met up with a friend, she is the only one who  knows I have a brain injury. We hadn't met in ages, so we had a lot of catching up to do.  It was nice but I am glad to isolate for some more time, I just worry too much after. " have i said the right thing ?"  all the self editing that I hate.

 

When it comes to writing here on BB, about our wd, my writing gets bad again. It had got slightly better in these days and I  was so happy but it depends on what I write. If I have to talk of wd I  have a very hard time.

 

Ok,this is enough for now. I hope you have been doing better. 

 

First, you explained exactly where I'm at.  I have plenty of sx but don't have that black cloud over my brain.  Huge difference.  The difference for me between having a little quality of life and none.  So thank you for that.  Also, cog fog seriously heavy.  I don't panic.  But if I read something, I really have no idea what I just read.  I could never tell you.

 

And the thing with the friend.  Let it go.  some people told me I was fine, they didn't notice anything.  But then when I wasn't in that obscure place, people were very quick to point out how much better I was.  So it is noticeable, but there's nothing we can do about it.  And I don't think people spend their entire day thinking about the faux pas type of things we may have said.  It's bigger in our own minds.  Try not to waste a lot of time on it.  When that nice protective DP/DR comes up, you'll forget the whole thing, lol.

[[Mo...]]

Really great posts.

I am just so scared today; hysterical like MommyR says; I can barely stand it.  I rate my days from 1 to 10 number 1 being good .....so when I look back I can see a pattern.  Right now today is a 10+....begging God to help me.  It's weird that even though I'm giving today a 10+ it still is a better 10+ then before?

I was pretty good on the weekend; like you guys say it's almost harder to bear after some good days/moments.....

I'll just hang on today....Love you guys. I hope you are all feeling better today.  I hope I will later as my sweetie will be home and I don't like putting him through this over and over.  We were so happy that it was better but today feels like I'm back at the beginning.

 

Hysteria and insanity.... Fun times!  I didn't know those existed as an emotional state before BEnzo.  My go to after prayer and bible is calming tv programs.  Hysteria and panic do better with distraction.  If whatever I am feeling doesn't have something I can talk to like a solid reason behind the sensation be it based on real stuff or fake.. I go to distraction. My go to is foreign language dramas.  It focuses your brain on reading the subtitles and trying to see their faces and voice inflections while reading.  It engages all the senses.

 

Go on Netflix and look up boys over flowers.  Put on subtitles.  Watch how engaged your brain gets.  It's really awesome!!!  Caution!!!! Do not do sad European dramas.  The Korean stuff is always positive!

[[Gr...]]

Hi Friends,

I've had a paradigm shift in my thinking today regarding this "re-entry" phase.  I know we have been bantering around the word for a while now, but I guess I never really thought much about it.  It was Nova's words of ""Re-entry" is its own struggle ... and we need to treat it like we have all the other "phases" ... time, patience and kindness ..." this morning that caused me to really GET it.  This is the phase that I am in.  Things are profoundly better, but I have been in a wave that keeps coming up for a couple of weeks now, very up and down.  I realized yesterday that it has been making me quite depressed, like I wasn't healing properly and that oh-so-common question of "is this ME?" would not leave me alone.  Re-entry DOES have it's own struggle, and it must be treated like the other stages of healing.  I was trying to, I don't know, maybe force my way through to the finish line?  In not accepting my re-entry for what it IS, a normal part of the process that will have its ups and downs, I was causing depression and also an increase of anxiety....which, in turn, made my waves worse. 

 

For me, I believe that re-entry really started about month 11.  I had a tough month 10, but then things shifted.  I would still get slammed on occasion (and still do), but things were getting better.  I believe that re-entry can last for a year, which would put me at the 2 year mark, but I believe that things continue to improve significantly.  I'm actually wondering if this re-entry phase doesn't turn out to be one of the most challenging.  Not because of the severity of the symptoms, but because of the weariness of the process.  I think this is why the mental reframing of this phase for me has been so significant.  I can wrap my mind around this process again and the layer of fear that was starting to build up around my doubts has been shed. 

 

Today I have been pretty productive, and it makes me feel good.  I have made big strides on my house, done several loads of laundry, I have the menu and calendar planned for the week, I helped my niece with her homework, I'll be cooking dinner shortly, and I will be going into my classroom to get things ready for tomorrow.  I am not feeling 100%, I have that chemical nervy anxiety that floats around my chest and back, but I'm able to accept it for what it is....part of the process.  My depression is much improved, though I am quite tired. 

 

This is quite the process, but I am excited for who I will be at the end of it all.  I have already found much joy in life that I had been missing for several of the benzo-years. 

 

Love to you all,

HH

 

HH, yes, I agree, reentry at about month 11.  And Nova coined the phrase.  I knew it was significant when I heard it.  I never believed I would throw away the crutches like at a church revival meeting and scream it's a miracle.  Reentry is work.  And I'm trying to work at it.  It's tricky, you have to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em.  You have to know when it's okay to push, and be smart enough to know when you've done enough and you need a break.  And sometimes a break is hitting the couch for a day.  I think that's okay.  There are times when I feel that situational anxiety around doing something, going somewhere, and I remember Life talking about creating those new neuropathways in the brain, that each time we do something we were afraid of doing, we override the fear and anxiety, and it makes it easier for subsequent times.  I guess that's the basis of CBT.  I'm on board.  I was on benzos almost 15 years.  Some stuff I have to relearn, some stuff I never could do.  But I need to take the plunge because medication is no longer an option.

 

Good post.  Got me thinking.

[[Mo...]]

Hello everybody, I have been missing for a few days and I am totally out of the loop with the thread.

 

I can't hope to catch up with the thread !

 

So, I am starting a clean slate from here. I had a few busy days in which I had symptoms but at least my brain, was not haunted by that black cloud that seems to follow me everywhere.

And that makes such a difference, let me tell you. You can have palps and vibrations but if the mind is alright it is bearable.

 

Unfortunately, my brain is the most affected part so working with my brain, requires careful planning, because it shuts  down after very little effort.

In order to get my lessons done, get the preparation done, I had to avoid any other brain activity, which included BB. It got me very tired but that was ok.

I had some back to back lessons, and mr Sky would bring me something warm to drink, or a quick bite, to keep my brain slightly connected and I managed somehow.

 

At nights I have been sleeping like a log even though, falling asleep is something that triggers all of my symptoms. I stick to my two naps during the day, because otherwise I am a zombie !

I hope that this will get easier on me in time. Seems yesterday that a one hour lesson made me sick for two days in a row !

 

I hope to find it easier to be on BB and do my things but that might take time.

 

I met up with a friend, she is the only one who  knows I have a brain injury. We hadn't met in ages, so we had a lot of catching up to do.  It was nice but I am glad to isolate for some more time, I just worry too much after. " have i said the right thing ?"  all the self editing that I hate.

 

When it comes to writing here on BB, about our wd, my writing gets bad again. It had got slightly better in these days and I  was so happy but it depends on what I write. If I have to talk of wd I  have a very hard time.

 

Ok,this is enough for now. I hope you have been doing better. 

 

First, you explained exactly where I'm at.  I have plenty of sx but don't have that black cloud over my brain.  Huge difference.  The difference for me between having a little quality of life and none.  So thank you for that.  Also, cog fog seriously heavy.  I don't panic.  But if I read something, I really have no idea what I just read.  I could never tell you.

 

And the thing with the friend.  Let it go.  some people told me I was fine, they didn't notice anything.  But then when I wasn't in that obscure place, people were very quick to point out how much better I was.  So it is noticeable, but there's nothing we can do about it.  And I don't think people spend their entire day thinking about the faux pas type of things we may have said.  It's bigger in our own minds.  Try not to waste a lot of time on it.  When that nice protective DP/DR comes up, you'll forget the whole thing, lol.

 

Green!!  You always have me in stitches!! 

 

Sky- I can't catch up either.  Thank you folks for following the thread. I am trying to do my daily activities before getting on the board and then I want to say so much but hate typo g on my phone.

 

I remember having to pick and chose activities.  Even now I tell hubby, Ok.. I'm done for the day and that's it.  I love the visual of your hubby bringing you a warm drink. 

 

My mental locals have me constantly traveling across a land I didn't know existed.  Right now it's about trying not to eat all day and dealing with the flushing doom that races across my being before turning to heat.  During the day I don't care.  At night is when I'm exhausted and look for sleep, but it forces me awake.  It's not insomnia but the mind is awake when the body is ready for sleep. 

 

Anyways, more of the same. I can handle the day.  It's the night I don't like.  I'm proud of you Sky.

[[Gr...]]

Whoot...it does get better...then it gets worse...then it gets better....and your baseline improves and then it gets worse...and then your baseline improves some more. The labyrinth of w/d...the non- linear path of w/d . I needed ( and still do.. maybe more so in the late months) constant.  constant with a capital C reassurance. I am surprised that I have not been asked to leave the forum because I am wearing everyone out with incessant whining and complaining.

......I really don't even know what to say anymore except that it does get better...I truly believe that I and all of us will heal and the only thing that gets us through is going through and our best tool is distraction and the ability to endure.  And faith...faith that we will get our lives back....and most of all each other...I am not exclusively Christian ( Buddhist/Catholic) but I can say that witnessing the unwavering support from people who are themselves suffering has been a lesson in the Compassionate Heart to me.... I am finding that as this goes on I am more pragmatic...tougher...a little jaded and hugely more believing in the intentional mind and living the moment. Maybe in year two I will have dusted off my spirit to see it sparkle again. 

......My heart is with all of you....Peace,  west that dress like a magic shield from anxiety....you are rocking it girl!...You just never fail to pick yourself up from some k o'clock out punches...dust yourself off and get back in the game...you are an inspiration to me

.....Yesterday was beautiful here I said.  " I am going to sit on my patio...est dark chocolate and have 1 oz of red wine....and I don't care...". I went to the store ..bought some Dove dark chocolate...with all the good wishes messages inside the wrappers....found my favorite pinot noir and sat in the sun reading Gone Girl ( love it) and enjoyed ...enjoyed the moment...it was totally worth it and I didn't notice any worsening in my s/x... I am not advocating alcohol in any way. I just got tired of living on eggshells due to w/d. I was in a mood of " this is goingvto be what it is regardless....so why not have a piece of chocolate and 2 sips of wine "....Other than that I take really....really good care of my nutrition and yoga.

......wishing everyone a day of improvements ....coop

 

Coop, good for you!  Is that book the same movie that's out? 

[[Mo...]]

Hi Friends,

I've had a paradigm shift in my thinking today regarding this "re-entry" phase.  I know we have been bantering around the word for a while now, but I guess I never really thought much about it.  It was Nova's words of ""Re-entry" is its own struggle ... and we need to treat it like we have all the other "phases" ... time, patience and kindness ..." this morning that caused me to really GET it.  This is the phase that I am in.  Things are profoundly better, but I have been in a wave that keeps coming up for a couple of weeks now, very up and down.  I realized yesterday that it has been making me quite depressed, like I wasn't healing properly and that oh-so-common question of "is this ME?" would not leave me alone.  Re-entry DOES have it's own struggle, and it must be treated like the other stages of healing.  I was trying to, I don't know, maybe force my way through to the finish line?  In not accepting my re-entry for what it IS, a normal part of the process that will have its ups and downs, I was causing depression and also an increase of anxiety....which, in turn, made my waves worse. 

 

For me, I believe that re-entry really started about month 11.  I had a tough month 10, but then things shifted.  I would still get slammed on occasion (and still do), but things were getting better.  I believe that re-entry can last for a year, which would put me at the 2 year mark, but I believe that things continue to improve significantly.  I'm actually wondering if this re-entry phase doesn't turn out to be one of the most challenging.  Not because of the severity of the symptoms, but because of the weariness of the process.  I think this is why the mental reframing of this phase for me has been so significant.  I can wrap my mind around this process again and the layer of fear that was starting to build up around my doubts has been shed. 

 

Today I have been pretty productive, and it makes me feel good.  I have made big strides on my house, done several loads of laundry, I have the menu and calendar planned for the week, I helped my niece with her homework, I'll be cooking dinner shortly, and I will be going into my classroom to get things ready for tomorrow.  I am not feeling 100%, I have that chemical nervy anxiety that floats around my chest and back, but I'm able to accept it for what it is....part of the process.  My depression is much improved, though I am quite tired. 

 

This is quite the process, but I am excited for who I will be at the end of it all.  I have already found much joy in life that I had been missing for several of the benzo-years. 

 

Love to you all,

HH

 

HH, yes, I agree, reentry at about month 11.  And Nova coined the phrase.  I knew it was significant when I heard it.  I never believed I would throw away the crutches like at a church revival meeting and scream it's a miracle. Reentry is work.  And I'm trying to work at it.  It's tricky, you have to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em.  You have to know when it's okay to push, and be smart enough to know when you've done enough and you need a break.  And sometimes a break is hitting the couch for a day.  I think that's okay.  There are times when I feel that situational anxiety around doing something, going somewhere, and I remember Life talking about creating those new neuropathways in the brain, that each time we do something we were afraid of doing, we override the fear and anxiety, and it makes it easier for subsequent times.  I guess that's the basis of CBT.  I'm on board.  I was on benzos almost 15 years.  Some stuff I have to relearn, some stuff I never could do.  But I need to take the plunge because medication is no longer an option.

 

Good post.  Got me thinking.

 

 

I never believed I would throw away the crutches like at a church revival meeting and scream it's a miracle.  Guilty!!  I did and still do ..I expect wake up and it will be gone and I will run down the street!!  That's the pentecostal in me.  Every morning I wake up and check my body and my mind.  Is it gone??  Am I normal yet??  haha..

 

That's ok.. It's a good thing to look forward to.  Maybe it sets me up for disappointment, but I love that sensation when you are normal.  That moment you realizes all traces of the wave are gone and you realize 100% is upon you.  Man it's a good feeling.  It gives you the strength to go forward. 

 

I don't understand how such a short stint could have affected me when I see you long timers.  Ah well, damage is damage right?  It's a brain injury. 

 

[[Gr...]]

Hi Everyone

 

I didn't think I was gone that long!  Seems like a lot of chatter, all hell breaking loose.  I'm never on track with everyone else.

 

I don't feel great, actually I have revved up chest and palps now, and I'm sitting in a pool of sweat, but I really wanted to catch up, read all the posts.  So I can't possibly answer, but I know where everybody is at.

 

I have sx, but as Sky said, I don't have the dark cloud and I have more energy than I did in the past.  Fatigue kept me home on the couch, the body pain kept me hunched over like a 90 year old woman.  Happy to report that's gone for now  I wasn't really aware of how bad it was until it was gone.  I guess we adapt to our sx and forget what it feels like to be without them.  and then as you get older, when you've been on benzos for many years, you really don't know what your new normal is.

 

I hesitate to be positive when people are feeling bad, but I think I should share.  I'm not great, not perfectly healed, still have sx, but I'm doing so much more than I was before, so there's real improvement.  And I push out the door and have a modest little life.  for which I'm very grateful.  And a little housework, lol.

 

So for all of those in waves, you're in my prayers.  You're making me realize my sx, which keep me from qualifying as being in a window, are child's play, no big deal, because I'm able to live around them.

 

Hoping everyone feels better soon.

[[Sk...]]

I never believed I would throw away the crutches like at a church revival meeting and scream it's a miracle.  Guilty!!  I did and still do ..I expect wake up and it will be gone and I will run down the street!!  That's the pentecostal in me.  Every morning I wake up and check my body and my mind.  Is it gone??  Am I normal yet??  haha..

 

That's ok.. It's a good thing to look forward to.  Maybe it sets me up for disappointment, but I love that sensation when you are normal.  That moment you realizes all traces of the wave are gone and you realize 100% is upon you.  Man it's a good feeling.  It gives you the strength to go forward.

 

I don't understand how such a short stint could have affected me when I see you long timers.  Ah well, damage is damage right?  It's a brain injury. 

 

Me too !! I too used to wake up and check  how everything was, hoping it had passed ! It used to make going to sleep easier on me, at the time it was brutal ! Now it is better, even though there is still so much fear. I was influenced by Parker. In her progress log she mentioned waking up one morning and remembering everything again. Somehow, I was looking for that.

 

Now, I don't know how your brains are but I will try to tell this, it is a little funny .

 

A client emailed me saying he wanted to do a French lesson of an hour and a half. I said no, no way, that is too long, how about 90 minutes ? 

 

Mr SKy is still giggling over that, I am so tired of being less intelligent.

 

Let me get this straight. Coop, you ate chocolate, drank some wine and are here to tell the story ? WOW ! Will wonders ever end ?

 

Anyway, this picture of you on the porch, sipping some wine and eating some chocolate is very soothing.

[[Fr...]]

I'm seeing  improvement here - it's not perfect by any means - but I just went from 30 good hours, then 30 bad hours to 36 good hours and 17 bad hours to 5 consecutive decent days.  Today, I'm feeling sick again, but hopeful that I'll heal.

 

Blessings,

Lisa