6-12 month thread....

[[Mo...]]

thanks Mommy...I'm making it through my Friday work day.  It's hard enough when I feel crappy to just lay on the couch let alone work but I am holding it together.  We really can't try and change anything when we are in recovery.  Light exercise is all I can handle too.  When I feel good I over do everything.

 

So you are working.  Hopefully already half the way done with your day unless you are pacific coast like me.  Yes, it's easy to over do.  I don't get that anymore except for what the traveling has done to me.  I can go from morning till night on very little sleep.  Not sure if that's good or bad.  I don't know if I could work a full time yet, but with my kids that might not have been in the cards anyways because my husband travels. 

 

I hope you can relax when you get home tonight and that the weekend calms things for you.

[[dr...]]

thanks Mommy...I'm making it through my Friday work day.  It's hard enough when I feel crappy to just lay on the couch let alone work but I am holding it together.  We really can't try and change anything when we are in recovery.  Light exercise is all I can handle too.  When I feel good I over do everything.

 

So you are working.  Hopefully already half the way done with your day unless you are pacific coast like me.  Yes, it's easy to over do.  I don't get that anymore except for what the traveling has done to me.  I can go from morning till night on very little sleep.  Not sure if that's good or bad.  I don't know if I could work a full time yet, but with my kids that might not have been in the cards anyways because my husband travels. 

 

I hope you can relax when you get home tonight and that the weekend calms things for you.

 

I'm in SF.  If I didn't have a sales job where I am very established at I would be out on disability.  I can mostly come and go as I please.  It has put stress on my business partnership as I couldn't hide this from him.  We did some therapy so he could understand but it didn't help too much. It's a catch-22.  Work is a good distraction from wallowing at home sometimes for me but when you HAVE to do something it can be overwhelming on bad days.  Just like raising your children.  We have no choice.  I'd love to spend the next year at a retreat in the redwoods with mountains and hot pools   I am in my sixth month so hopefully I turn a corner soon.  I feel the worst is behind me regardless.  Famous last words.   

[[sa...]]

Better day today. I feel like I may be breaking out of the 10 day wave. Nausea and ringing are much better today. I had I tire blow on my car today. Was able to limp it to the gas station. If this happened yesterday, I don't think I could have handled it. Anxiety is much better today as well.

 

I had to go to the doctors today. I go every month, so I can get a letter from him saying it's ok for me to work from hope. I have to give them to my employer. The doc wants to help me, but has no idea what to do. I tell him I just need time to do it's thing. He seems to roll with it. As long as I get my letter, I don't care.

 

I did find a doc in Boston(psychiatrist) who deals in addiction. He says he has seen patients as bad as me before. He wants to use light therapy on me. Says he has had success with it in other patients and may be the reason I felt  better over the summer. Anyway, I'll give it a try once I get the information and the lamp and let everyone know how it goes. I'll try anything at this point.

[[dr...]]

sasy-glad you feel better.  it is amzing the difference a day can make.  It is important for us all to remember when in a wave like I am now not to even predict how we will feel a day ahead.

[[be...]]

Beulah.. your response to Sas regarding chronic worry being w/d really helped me to remember that very important fact of w/d. Most of my s/x are at least 80% better at month 11...except. continual health fear. The only time I do not have at some intensity is during a window. It does tamp down sometimes but physical s/x ...even the smallest s/x engages it. My only real physical s/x remaining is on again off again head s/x ( pressure ...morning headaches...random head zaps and momentary shooting pain and burning sensation...low level buzzing that comes and goes). ..I have recently had 4/5 days without head s/x and then they came back today ..along with the relentless worry about it. Hearing in your post that worry is in itself a s/x. That gave me a different perspective on worry and health worry. ..Thank you for that post to Sas.

...You are sounding so good Beulah and I could not be happier for you...coop

Coop, I hear you on the health fears. Worry can sometimes consume me if I let it, I must keep the mind busy with distractions. I had a nice distraction today, I am making a pretty quilt for my granddaughter for Christmas, some low music and a crock pot of potatoe soup on a cool rainy day here. My day started in a wave for a couple of hrs.then it was gone .....it is what it is.

Hang in there Coop, it keeps getting better and better. You are doing great. Hugs.

[[pe...]]

Drew,

I'm sorry to hear you're in the thick of benzo soup. Hopefully some of it has started breaking up for you. It is long and hard but all we can do is get through another half hour, hour, day. Time is passing and we're healing. I'll be thinking of you. This will pass.

 

Peace2

[[pe...]]

I made it through another week at my job. I really didn't know if I would. Last weekend was so very hard and I'm still fighting through some pretty tough feelings of general craziness which is a depression anxiety sandwich. I have my boys alone again tomorrow morning and that is not my favorite way to start a weekend. Ugh. It just creates anxiety on top of my anxiety. I guess I'll start drinking chamomile tea now in preparation of what's to come.

 

Hoping those of us in the funk get a break soon and hope those in windows will be around to spread some light.

Peace2

[[li...]]

Hi everyone,

 

Just checking in... I went to a a non-benzo wise pych/doctor and I told her about my anxiety ( caused by a recent event) and my depression ...Her diagnosis -- I may have "non-manic bipolar" based on my productive times ( windows) and my anxiety/depression ( waves). Wow, it has taken 51 years to diagnose this one. I am so glad that I am benzo wise. Has anyone had doctors suggest this? Her reasoning "well, it has been 1 year since you jumped from benzos and you are still not feeling right"... I am not feeling right due to lawsuits and other stuff. Wow, I am a bit confused.  Any light you can shed on this issue would be appreciated.

 

Life

[[mr...]]

Life, I've heard of other buddies receiving similar diagnoses. Seems like a "common" one in withdrawal, lol

 

Love and peace to you

 

Mrs.

[[dr...]]

I was told I might have bipolar too.  What doc??? You mean me feeling like death times ten times over is depressing and I'm excited when I feel good?  That's bipolar?  Hogwash!

[[pe...]]

Life-

I've heard the bipolar from other bb's too. I think I have a similar pattern to yours and I've asked 3 doctors if I have some kind of bipolar and all of them say no. Can you get another opinion? Where your addiction doctor in all of this?

 

Peace2

[[li...]]

Life-

I've heard the bipolar from other bb's too. I think I have a similar pattern to yours and I've asked 3 doctors if I have some kind of bipolar and all of them say no. Can you get another opinion? Where your addiction doctor in all of this?

 

Peace2

 

My addiction doctor is in tampa so I do not visit him much. I am less likely to believe that I am bipolar but I have dealt with depression before even when I was on benzos.  For me its a 'frozen in fear" feeling which benzos would always take care of before. I have given myself another six months, Peace, to figure this out before I commit to anything. By then I will hopefully not have any more major stresses and I will then have 18 months off. By then I must feel better God willing. Peace I really want to say that it has been great to see your progress and your struggles are all going to be worth every second. You are definitely going to make it -- we all are!

 

Life

[[je...]]

Life-- before I knew anything about benzo w/d I thought I might be bipolar because of my mood swings. I googled it and realized I did not have it because although I did have the deep dark depression, I did not have a "high" or manic up swing. In reading all your posts, I think you are the same way. I think you described it perfectly, you are just having windows and waves but because she is not benzo wise she doesn't understand this. Jenny

[[je...]]

Peace, I'm so glad to hear you are feeling better. You were just in a nasty wave, remember they always will pass. I have a hard time remembering that too. I hope things go smoothly tomorrow with your boys, I think you'll be fine   jenny

[[je...]]

Hi Drew,

Just wanted to let you know month 6 was a big turning point in my healing, so hang tough I'm sure things will be turning around for you very soon jenny

[[pe...]]

Life- did you mean you had depression before benzos?  Or while on them? Or both? For me it's both, but depression was a very long time ago and situational. This depression does feel similar but it started when I started the benzos. My husband thinks it's mostly the benzo effect. I think we're right to try and give it a bit more time. But bottom line is survival. Do what you have to do- the hard part is knowing what that is....

 

Peace2

[[Mo...]]

Hi everyone,

 

Just checking in... I went to a a non-benzo wise pych/doctor and I told her about my anxiety ( caused by a recent event) and my depression ...Her diagnosis -- I may have "non-manic bipolar" based on my productive times ( windows) and my anxiety/depression ( waves). Wow, it has taken 51 years to diagnose this one. I am so glad that I am benzo wise. Has anyone had doctors suggest this? Her reasoning "well, it has been 1 year since you jumped from benzos and you are still not feeling right"... I am not feeling right due to lawsuits and other stuff. Wow, I am a bit confused.  Any light you can shed on this issue would be appreciated.

 

Life

 

I'm not sure if this prognosis felt helpful to you, Life.  I did not have anxiety or fear, depression, panic before the benzo.  I had a sudden onset of symptoms where I was put on the meds.  I did have two panic attacks, but they weren't anything I knew to call panic as mentally there was not distress.  I just thought I was having a heart attack.

 

The ER psych who got me hooked had me come for bi weekly visits.  I kept having to up my dose to get relief from anxiety.  My husband would come with me to the appts.  One of the visits he said I was borderline bipolar.  Red flags went off in my brain.  No way, no how was I bipolar.  There wasn't anything behind the diagnosis.  Just my current situation.  He wanted to put me on more meds.  No thank you.

 

The one good thing he advised us to do was move as quickly as we could back to my comfort zone.  I was to eliminate as much stress as possible from my life.. financial, family, house work, health.  I was to live my life in such a way to go with the flow.  He prescribed meditation for 15min 3x a day. 

 

I was diagnosed with adjustment disorder because we had moved away from my family and my husband traveled.  It's a long story, but we started looking immediately for a house to rent back in OC near my family.  I started the meds in March.. we were moved back to OC in July.  By then my dose was up from 1mg a day to 3.5mg.  I started researching what was going on because I knew something wasn't right with the meds.  Then I started the arduous process of taper and here I am.

 

I was such a jittery negative mess that the detox doctor told me I had activated my anxiety gene and would never be able to go off meds or would be in counseling forever.  Again, red flags went off in my brain.  I told him I would take counseling for life.  He said only 1 in 10 can get off the meds without an AD.  I had to prove to both of us his prognosis was wrong.  I feel pretty confident I have done this considering how proud he is of me now.

 

With that said, meds have proven to work against most of us.  Be it chemical or situation the treatment for our deck of cards s/x is the same.  Work thru them.  Except for these last 10 weeks, I have found sudden, instantaneous relief from sx in my belief in God and the truths I find in the bible. 

 

If it makes you feel better to know that you are prone to windows and waves even outside of the benzo experience, then the good news is you know to enjoy the wonder of a window and keep your wave muscle flexed for stormy times.  No matter what, you aren't alone in it.  You can settle in to this prognosis and ride it out only to be pleasantly surprised when hitting 2 years that your s/x are gone and you will have learned amazing coping to help others. 

 

I often wonder too if going thru the recovery of w/d from benzo heals the very problem that started it.  Maybe we grow new pathways or learn that whatever was eating us before benzo is not nearly as bad as what benzo did to us.

 

Peace to you Life.  This stressor is going to pass.  Wait until it's gone.  Your CNS is still healing. 

 

MommyR

[[Gr...]]

This wave just continuing to pound away. I was suppose to go to my sons school for an IEP meeting with his teachers and had to bail because of the nausea. Real bad today. Staying close to the bathroom. I'm trying to stay busy today. I keep a list of things to do every couple of hours otherwise nothing gets done due to the lethargy.

 

As the beating continues, I keep telling myself that this pain will bring a huge improvement in symptoms. Praying for everyone who is suffering.

 

I'm also anxious about my wife. She just had her mamogram. They want her to come back for a diagnostic image. That doesn't sound good. My fear does not need this kind of worry. If anything happens to her we are screwed. Keep us in your prayers.

 

Sasq, everything you said, the nausea, lethargy, I had it all.  Nothing got done for almost a year.  It's still slow going. But it is getting better.  Just hang on.  Get another appointment for the IEP, it'll keep.

 

I've been called back after mammos a few times.  Scary.  But it's always been routine. So try not to worry.

[[Gr...]]

I have 'enjoyed' some quiet time with my three year old. I've bee lounging in bed after work and he brings piles of books to my bed, hauls his chubby bum up next to me, nestles in and quietly looks through his books. Every once in awhile, without looking up he says, "I love you, Mom." :smitten:

 

PEace2

 

That's absolutely beautiful, Peace.  Enjoy the weekend.

[[Gr...]]

Beulah.. your response to Sas regarding chronic worry being w/d really helped me to remember that very important fact of w/d. Most of my s/x are at least 80% better at month 11...except. continual health fear. The only time I do not have at some intensity is during a window. It does tamp down sometimes but physical s/x ...even the smallest s/x engages it. My only real physical s/x remaining is on again off again head s/x ( pressure ...morning headaches...random head zaps and momentary shooting pain and burning sensation...low level buzzing that comes and goes). ..I have recently had 4/5 days without head s/x and then they came back today ..along with the relentless worry about it. Hearing in your post that worry is in itself a s/x. That gave me a different perspective on worry and health worry. ..Thank you for that post to Sas.

...You are sounding so good Beulah and I could not be happier for you...coop

 

Coop, I don't get health fears, I get death fears, like my death is imminent and I find myself planning cremation, burial, what will I wear, will my friend help my kids with the arrangements, will my kids be able to handle the financial issues, the mortgage, the bills, will they be okay on their own.  I've got it back now.  It's not as bad as it was in acute, but it's there. 

[[Gr...]]

Hi everyone,

 

Just checking in... I went to a a non-benzo wise pych/doctor and I told her about my anxiety ( caused by a recent event) and my depression ...Her diagnosis -- I may have "non-manic bipolar" based on my productive times ( windows) and my anxiety/depression ( waves). Wow, it has taken 51 years to diagnose this one. I am so glad that I am benzo wise. Has anyone had doctors suggest this? Her reasoning "well, it has been 1 year since you jumped from benzos and you are still not feeling right"... I am not feeling right due to lawsuits and other stuff. Wow, I am a bit confused.  Any light you can shed on this issue would be appreciated.

 

Life

 

Did she want to prescribe medication?

[[Gr...]]

Life-

I've heard the bipolar from other bb's too. I think I have a similar pattern to yours and I've asked 3 doctors if I have some kind of bipolar and all of them say no. Can you get another opinion? Where your addiction doctor in all of this?

 

Peace2

 

My addiction doctor is in tampa so I do not visit him much. I am less likely to believe that I am bipolar but I have dealt with depression before even when I was on benzos.  For me its a 'frozen in fear" feeling which benzos would always take care of before. I have given myself another six months, Peace, to figure this out before I commit to anything. By then I will hopefully not have any more major stresses and I will then have 18 months off. By then I must feel better God willing. Peace I really want to say that it has been great to see your progress and your struggles are all going to be worth every second. You are definitely going to make it -- we all are!

 

Life

 

Life,

I had that "frozen" thing going on pre-benzo.  I remember I found it impossible to dress my kids when they were little and get the three of us out the door.  I just couldn't get out of my nightgown.

 

I think when this withdrawal is over if I still have it, the anxiety, I will just slow down and make some lifestyle changes.  I will modify my lifestyle to better suit how I am, how I feel, instead of modifying me (taking meds) to handle a life that's too much for me.

I'm older now, the kids are big, so it's easier to do.  I don't have to work as hard as I did.  I don't plan on it, anyway.

 

I mean we have to think about what we did to ourselves.  And look at where we are, what happened to us.  That little anxiety I had when the kids were little, I think about that now, it's child's play compared to the mega anxiety of withdrawal.  I look back and wish I would have gone to yoga, alternative therapies, anything -- if I had known then what I know now, I never would have touched a psych med, any psych med.

 

All the times I ran to doctors and said, something is wrong with me, what can I do?  The only thing they can do is give me a pill.  That's how medicine is practiced now, you walk out with a stack of prescriptions.

 

I have a feeling we're going to feel pretty good when this is all over, and we won't need or want any medications. 

[[Gr...]]

Life

 

I often wonder too if going thru the recovery of w/d from benzo heals the very problem that started it.  Maybe we grow new pathways or learn that whatever was eating us before benzo is not nearly as bad as what benzo did to us.

 

MommyR

 

Perfect.  You said what I wanted to say, but you said it better. 

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ...

 

"activating the anxiety gene" ... had this response as well ... when I asked to see the before and after pictures of this "activation" he got really pissed ... told me I had to take this "seriously" ... when I asked again about help coming off K he told me I needed "anger management classes" ... and then when he got more frustrated with me I asked if he was "mirroring" bi-polar" to me to help with our "transference" ... I know, I shouldn't twist the dragon's tail, but, hey, he was too easy and I was in a playful mood, guess he couldn't "accept" me "playing" ... that was the end of a "beautiful" relationship" ...

 

Besides, I don't like being told I am too old for anything ... I am usually just old enough ... when he made that comment, I knew this "consultation" was not going somewhere helpful to me ...

 

Psychiatry ... a broken pseudo-science ... limping along on one rubber crutch ... trying to be "medical" by following the our current cultural practice of medicine ... push pills and ignore the chronic ... yes, life does have its acute moments, and, living is mostly a chronic condition ...

 

And yes, that statement is probably unkind of me ... yes, I have heard stories of others having a helpful experience with the psych folks ... I just have not had one ...

 

Oops ... this is not me "bashing", just me "reporting" ... sorry folks, I am just not in the mood to take the "psych" folks seriously anymore ... not until they take me "seriously" ... I understand relationship as a compassionate, two-way flow, seasoned with respect ... for me, there are other paths to follow and receive encouragement and support from ... for me that is the "litmus test" ... time, encouragement and support ...

 

I do not believe the med I used was inherently "evil" ... rather, I believe the way I used it following the advice and supervision of the medical community was inappropriate ... for me, the med was helpful in my initial acute episode ... what I did not know and what the medical community ignored was it is not appropriate for chronic use ... and this has been "known" for more than forty years ... their "ignorance" is inexcusable ... my "ignorance" has been transformed ... and this is why I am in "benzo recovery" ... my "trust" was abused and their "ignorance" was harmful ...

 

Okay ... time to get off my soapbox and be right here, right now ... today is Saturday ... today is not just a pile of yesterday's memories ... today is the joy of being present ...

 

And, I am getting better ...

 

[[mr...]]

Hey all

 

This is an update from one of the success stories, and I thought it was neat MommyR, he talks about some of the things you experienced too!

 

I don't drink any alcohol, nor will I, but that is a personal choice of course But I really appreciate his perspective & update

 

Hope it inspires and helps Happy and peaceful Saturday -- yes! Amen!

 

Mrs.

 

Hi Everyone,

 

Thank you all for your kind words. It really means a lot that I was able to pass on some of the help I got on this site.

 

I just wanted to let you all know I'm still doing great and you will too. Just hang in there.

 

I don't visit much anymore but I think of all of you and what you're going through. Please remember that part of the nervous system damage also causes feelings of hopelessness. Everyone thinks they are the exception and they will never get better.

 

Everyone I met on this site got better. Every single one.

 

I hadn't actually read all of the comments about my success story until now. I can't believe there are so many. I cannot thank you enough for such wonderful thoughts. I'm very happy it helps.

 

I'm sorry I haven't responded to each and every one of you, but I will try to answer all of them at once.

 

Yes, I had all the symptoms each of you describes. I don't think I saw one symptom I didn't have. Many of you talk about agoraphobia, rage, obsessive thinking, hopelessness, heart palpitations, intense fear, feelings of being dead, and feeling that your life will never be the same. I had all of those and they are now all gone. Even my blood pressure returned to normal and I don't take anything.

 

Almost everyone tries to figure out why they are not getting better and usually the discussion goes toward thyroid, or blood sugar, or some obscure reason they aren't getting better. It's not any of those. It's just nerve damage caused by benzos and it will get better on its own.

 

I also don't think drinking wine will extend any symptoms. I don't really have a taste for alcohol, but a glass of wine often helped take the edge off in the late afternoons when I usually got extreme anxiety. I think I only did that from about 12 to 16 months and then no longer had a need for it.

 

Coffee also helped clarify my foggy thinking in the mornings, but be really careful you don't have more than one or two because it can cause pretty extreme anxiety.

 

My best recommendation is walking and hot baths. Showers really stung my skin for a very long time and didn't help, but a hot bath often seemed to slow my brain when it was spinning out of control.

 

I don't think blood sugar is the problem so much as eating fats, proteins and carbs together. In combination, they can cause neurotransmitter precursors to flood across the blood/brain barrier and I think that's the main reason for panic attacks after eating. Try to eat different food types at separate times so you aren't overwhelmed with the resulting brain chemicals.

 

I don't think Tramadol affects the benzo withdrawal process. But I do know it can cause really severe depression if taken for long periods, especially crying. The withdrawal from that really sucks but the worst of it is usually over within a week. I quit Tramadol before I quit benzos so I can't really speak to quitting that in the middle of things. It will be bad, but I'm not sure they are connected.

 

Once again thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. I will try to check back more often.

 

I love you all, hang in there. One day you will feel the sun on your face and be glad you are alive.

 

lost dog