6-12 month thread....

[[li...]]

Friends,

I am in desperate need of encouragement again.  I posted just yesterday about how good I was feeling and that I was out of my rough wave, but my anxiety started creeping up in the early evening until I was getting slammed.  I had to abruptly leave my daughter's volleyball game and I came home and climbed into bed.  I have so much fear coursing through my body, and it has been all night.  My sleep was terrible and I just dozed off and on all night long, waking many times to a cortisol rush.  I feel right back into acute AGAIN.  :'( I don't know how I'm going to make it through today.

I am shaking, afraid, full of anxiety, have internal vibrations, have a uncomfortable current zipping under my skin...the works.

I almost feel like these bad waves this far out are harder to deal with than they were earlier.  Earlier I was mostly miserable, so the variation of miserable didn't matter much....but not when I get thrown back into a brutal wave it seems so much worse because I often feel good.

This could be normal, right?  :'(

I want to just curl up in my bed and hibernate.

Feeling much hurting, fear, and discouragement...

HH

My dear HH,

 

I feel for you. This is a brutal process. I too was feeling great two days and then just hit with a anxious/depressive wave for a few hours caused by an event. Look, yes it is perfectly normal but it does not make it any better. I think the reasons why we feel such pain in late term waves is because we are hopeful early on and as time moves on we have a little voice saying " when is this going to end" and it disillusions us. We must all stay the course. I have to say that the amount of sacrifice to go through this detox is astounding. we are all going to make it.

 

Life

[[He...]]

Hi my friends,

I just have to say thank you for your wonderful responses.    I can't express how much your reassurances, and even supplying evidence, helped me this morning!!  I made it through this wave and I am feeling fairly good again, although absolutely EXHAUSTED from not sleeping last night. I will be taking a bath and diving into bed very shortly.  I have a little residual anxiety that is creeping around the edges, but I was able to have a good day at work.  I have some left over chest anxiety and some tightness all around my rib cage, but much relieved from yesterday. 

You are right, Life, we ARE all going to make it.  That is the truth about no longer having the hopefulness that came with being early off.  It makes it hard to endure these late waves.   

Mrs, it was so interesting and reassuring to read about SirWilliam and how he was doing at 15 months.  Thank you for providing the link!  It struck me at how he posted about the extreme anxiety he was having at 15 months and then in his PM to you he said that he hadn't had a major anxiety episode for several years. 

Green, thanks for reminding me of my own words.  They still hold true and I needed to remember them.

Mommy and Coop, I clung to your reassurances this morning.  Thank you for reminding me that this IS normal!

I love you all!  Praying for a restful night and a bright window for us all.

HH 

[[mr...]]

Hi my friends,

I just have to say thank you for your wonderful responses.    I can't express how much your reassurances, and even supplying evidence, helped me this morning!!  I made it through this wave and I am feeling fairly good again, although absolutely EXHAUSTED from not sleeping last night. I will be taking a bath and diving into bed very shortly.  I have a little residual anxiety that is creeping around the edges, but I was able to have a good day at work.  I have some left over chest anxiety and some tightness all around my rib cage, but much relieved from yesterday. 

You are right, Life, we ARE all going to make it.  That is the truth about no longer having the hopefulness that came with being early off.  It makes it hard to endure these late waves.   

Mrs, it was so interesting and reassuring to read about SirWilliam and how he was doing at 15 months.  Thank you for providing the link!  It struck me at how he posted about the extreme anxiety he was having at 15 months and then in his PM to you he said that he hadn't had a major anxiety episode for several years. 

Green, thanks for reminding me of my own words.  They still hold true and I needed to remember them.

Mommy and Coop, I clung to your reassurances this morning.  Thank you for reminding me that this IS normal!

I love you all!  Praying for a restful night and a bright window for us all.

HH

 

 

Mrs.

[[pe...]]

HH-

I'm glad you're feeling better and were able to get some love and support from other buddies. I read your post and thought of you as I moved about the classroom during my day. I wasn't able to get a response to you, but you were definitely in my thoughts.

Tomorrow's Friday!

 

Peace2

[[Mo...]]

This is so brutal.  I fear the other meds are actually making me worse which is so confusing.  I can't tell what is doing what.  Is is withdrawal or is it side effects or a combination of both.  I'm very scared I am not going to get better and even if I do there will be nothing left in my life.  I've been destroyed by this and am really despondent much of the time.  I just fear I'm going to really lose everything and end up homeless.  I'm very scared. 

 

Is 6-8 month period a big period for healing?

 

Thanks again, friends.

 

Satch, do you or have you had any windows or hours of normal or relief since you jumped?

[[pe...]]

Life,

I'm glad to see you here. I've been hoping you'd stop by. I've been back in a wave of depression for about a week now, all my other symptoms have cleared up. At the moment, it's just depression and a bit of vision stuff. I know you've been here before with the depression. Just wanting to say, "Me too" and "Hmph."

 

I'm glad for you and glad you are moving along to brighter days. Though this cave is long, I will keep my chin up and keep looking towards the light. I have 'enjoyed' some quiet time with my three year old. I've bee lounging in bed after work and he brings piles of books to my bed, hauls his chubby bum up next to me, nestles in and quietly looks through his books. Every once in awhile, without looking up he says, "I love you, Mom."

 

 

PEace2

[[Co...]]

HH ..so glad to hear that your wave is lifting.. I really believe' your worst days are behind you and your best days are right in front of you. ...Have a restful sleep...and a very good tomorrow...coip

[[mr...]]

I just love reading how quickly y'all "bounce" from your waves!! Very cool

 

Prayers & love to you all

 

Mrs.

[[sa...]]

I have some windows at times but I feel kinda doomed since I'm on two other meds.  Just feel life has dominoed out of control.  I hate psych meds and psychiatrists for that matter.  See no way off these other meds without more suffering and disability.  Really scared short term benzo use is going to ruin the next few years even if I somehow survive.

 

 

[[Co...]]

Peace....You are so strong...I don't think you realize how you come back from a wave with such with amazing resiliency. It is so apparent to me.. you get slammed really hard..it puts you on the floorboards...and then you get up and keep moving forward...making it to work every day. You are so getting through this. I loved the image of you and you little one snuggled up in the bed with his armloads of his favorite books...so sweet. You made it to Friday Peace...with no hospital.  I was betting on you all along. ..I am so happy for you that your depression lifted. ..Sleep well Peace...you are so entirely different than you were when I met you on the boards months ago. .. Wishing you sunbreaks....coop

[[Co...]]

Satchel ...it is really encouraging that you are getting windows. ..You will get through this. Many buddies have w/d from polymeds. Try to take each day on its own. You are doing the hardest part now by getting off the benzo. The others will come along . I have a friend whose husband went off ativan ( he is about 10 months off the ativan) and jumped his second med ...Depakoate 6 months ago. He is doing well and his improvements after jumping 2 meds are pretty close to my improvements at 11 months off one drug.

....Like all of us you are going to have ups and downs all along but you will get off all of your medications and have your life back. Read through some of the signature lines and you will see many who have come off several medications. ...

....Keep it going Satch ...you are walking out of the cave with the rest of us...coop

[[sa...]]

Thanks Coop.  I need all the support and encouragement I can get.

 

I know for all of you this has been a life altering and often destroying event.  I can't believe the nightmare I am living.  Fear I will lose my mind and then my life to this.  I am also afraid if I live through this there will be nothing left for me to fight for.

 

Anyone almost running out of resources or support out there.

 

Thanks again for the love and support.

 

Satch

[[Co...]]

Beulah.. your response to Sas regarding chronic worry being w/d really helped me to remember that very important fact of w/d. Most of my s/x are at least 80% better at month 11...except. continual health fear. The only time I do not have at some intensity is during a window. It does tamp down sometimes but physical s/x ...even the smallest s/x engages it. My only real physical s/x remaining is on again off again head s/x ( pressure ...morning headaches...random head zaps and momentary shooting pain and burning sensation...low level buzzing that comes and goes). ..I have recently had 4/5 days without head s/x and then they came back today ..along with the relentless worry about it. Hearing in your post that worry is in itself a s/x. That gave me a different perspective on worry and health worry. ..Thank you for that post to Sas.

...You are sounding so good Beulah and I could not be happier for you...coop

 

[[La...]]

Good to hear you are at 80% Cooperten. I do follow this thread regularly, but have not posted here in some time. I really think MY worrisome feelings that come and go are a sx of benzo w/d. Things that make me worry now, in the past, never even phased me. I am worrying less and less these days, but in my 9th month, I still have residual worry to shed. I, too, get the brain zaps now and again. Very annoying at this point in the game but when I think back to how far I have come, since the worst nadir in my taper, I must rejoice in the healing. Still some more road to travel. Glad to do it together with you folks.

 

Happy healing.

 

 

laser

[[No...]]

Yep ... it is indeed Friday ... another day in the salt mines ... not getting any good relief from the physical stuff ... some intermittent lessening and then back in the fast lane ...

 

Got to release soon, right? ... and the doubt and the health fears ... floating around like vultures ...

 

For those that need to - just "hang on" ... for those that can - find some joy in today ...

 

Thank each of you for your reassurance by being here ... nobody gets let behind ...

 

[[No...]]

WORD FOR THE DAY

 

Friday, Oct. 3

 

Within us is the soul of the whole, the wise silence, the universal beauty, the eternal One.

 

Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

[[...]]

Good morning Nova! I'm sorry you have those symptoms hanging around! I sure hope they go away soon!

 

I've had a return of the anxiety. Although it is so much less than before, it's still difficult when I'm in it! Staying busy is helping me!

 

Thankful it's Friday and looking forward to fishing tomorrow!

 

[[No...]]

GMIT ... thanks ... yeah ... it will let up in its own sweet lazy time ... enjoy your fishing ... I know it brings you pleasure ...

[[...]]

I really do enjoy it! It's funny because my husband has wanted me to go with him for years and it just didn't sound fun! Earlier in this experience I began to feel a tad better (still not good) and decided to go for something to help distract me. I really had a good time and we go almost ever weekend!

 

I was beginning to have days that I didn't even think about this at all, and the anxiety this time crept in so slowly that I almost didn't recognize it as wd! Only as it grew did I think "I know this feeling!" I had about a month break so no complaints!

 

This will pass and I will stay busy to keep myself from focusing on it to much!

 

[[pe...]]

Peace....You are so strong...I don't think you realize how you come back from a wave with such with amazing resiliency. It is so apparent to me.. you get slammed really hard..it puts you on the floorboards...and then you get up and keep moving forward...making it to work every day. You are so getting through this. I loved the image of you and you little one snuggled up in the bed with his armloads of his favorite books...so sweet. You made it to Friday Peace...with no hospital.  I was betting on you all along. ..I am so happy for you that your depression lifted. ..Sleep well Peace...you are so entirely different than you were when I met you on the boards months ago. .. Wishing you sunbreaks....coop

 

Thanks, Coop. Your message was helpful to my heart last night before bed. This mighty girl feels like a wet noodle most of the time. I'm hoping I can slough off these remaining symptoms. The depression is singing in a softer voice, but it's still ever present. I have to remember that I've gone through decent stretches with my mood, it's just so easy to forget when the sadness settles in. I'm praying a lot.

 

Coop, I'm glad you're feeling 80%. You give so much love to us and I hope you feel us loving you right back.

I hope those health fears are quite today.

 

Peace2

[[mr...]]

Y'all are quiet today!!

[[mr...]]

...SHHHHH!!! Be vewy vewy qwiuet... I'm hunting wabbits!!!

 

 

Mrs.

[[dr...]]

Hi all...I am struggling and passing each half hour.  yesterday I had one of the worst panic attacks in a long while. i usually can just passively accept them and let it flow through me.  Not this one...sad to say it spiraled my mind.  It felt like my hands couldn't grip anything and my legs were so weak.  I changed my diet a week ago and went extremely low carb.  Smiff warned me about doing it but I didn't listen.    I think that the low carb put me in a hypoglycemic state which I exasperated with my heightened CNS.  I am now eating carbs again after being  trounced by the beast.  I really hope this wave let's up soon. 

 

Hope everyone is healing or doing well today under the circumstances. 

 

 

[[Mo...]]

Hi all...I am struggling and passing each half hour.  yesterday I had one of the worst panic attacks in a long while. i usually can just passively accept them and let it flow through me.  Not this one...sad to say it spiraled my mind.  It felt like my hands couldn't grip anything and my legs were so weak.  I changed my diet a week ago and went extremely low carb.  Smiff warned me about doing it but I didn't listen.    I think that the low carb put me in a hypoglycemic state which I exasperated with my heightened CNS.  I am now eating carbs again after being  trounced by the beast.  I really hope this wave let's up soon. 

 

Hope everyone is healing or doing well today under the circumstances. 

 

 

 

Drew!! I am so sorry.  I tried low carb and felt like I was suffocating.  Also, when dropped coffee suddenly last month it was excruciating for 3 days.  I felt like I had the flu.  It was terrible.  I also blamed it for the wave that set off my panic attacks while visiting San Francisco.  I have a lot of hypoglycemic sensations too. 

 

Mrs and I were discussing my hot flashes and sweats.  The sweats make me feel like my blood sugar is low and then I eat, which is another problem I am currently experiencing.  Anyways, I hope you can rest or watch tv or something until this passes, which it will.  Remember who bad Peace was just a few days ago?  She is feeling better too.

 

Hang in there.

MommyR

[[dr...]]

thanks Mommy...I'm making it through my Friday work day.  It's hard enough when I feel crappy to just lay on the couch let alone work but I am holding it together.  We really can't try and change anything when we are in recovery.  Light exercise is all I can handle too.  When I feel good I over do everything.