Better than Ever at Two, now THREE Years off Xanax

[[my...]]

Megan,

 

I just re-read your original post and found it to be even more meaningful now that I am deeper into my taper.  The idea that Xanax depressed your desire to paint is so interesting to me.  And sad....but amazing that now, after your taper and recovery, the desire and dedication and willingness to work has come back to you!  How wonderful... Years ago but not THAT long ago, before I started to take Klonopin/Clonazepam, I began writing in a serious way, (after I retired from my career) several un-produced feature length screenplays and a novel which I have mentioned in other threads.  The thing is, I haven't done any significant writing other than emails (or posts ) since I began taking K...but I never thought about the connection.  I knew that anti-depressants affected some people with a "what the heck" attitude about accomplishing much but never thought of benzos in that respect.  Thank you for bringing this to our attention...this dampening effect the benzodiazepines have on our drive to "do". 

 

Thank you so much for ALL of your helpful and supportive replies and posts and for being a member of the BB Team!!  Continued good health and best wishes,

 

Mana   

 

 

[[me...]]

What did you do to distract yourself/ I find that all i can concentrate on  is the leg/ neck pain/ head fogginess and then i am so tempted to take the clonazepam earlier or a tiny bit more. It is especially hard when i need to go and socialize with friends or have a family function. I am so afraid of the awful feelings and wonder if they will ever go away and if I will be unable to ever make it through the taper. I am getting very depressed as I failed a prior taper and wonder if I have the strength to get through another one. I really need to be here fro my family and my husband,

 

When I was in acute withdrawal, I was suffering from dreadful physical and mental symptoms.  I truly felt I was going insane, and was at a low point I'd never imagined before in my life even though I'd had plenty of experience with anxiety and depression.  When I started to have intrusive morbid thoughts I couldn't control, I knew I had to do something, and "distraction" is what came to me.  I don't mean the kind of distraction that one only does "if they feel like it."  I somehow knew I HAD to do this, and to keep doing it until I got through the acute stage. So, I distracted myself relentlessly and obsessively, using whatever worked in the moment and then switching to something else as soon as the previous thing stopped working.  I used my very obsessiveness to do this. It was a stream of consciousness thing where I made use of whatever popped into my head (there was no preplanning of what to do next).  I distracted myself this way over and over until it became a habit.  It was my main "job" every day, and it was serious business.  Interestingly, it wasn't long before I actually started looking forward to my favorite distractions!  I kept doing this for many months, and in time my symptoms began to fall away one by one.  It was a long process, one day at a time, and there was no knowing how things would eventually turn out.  But I just kept on doing this, moment by moment, day by day, and eventually at about 20 months off I healed.

 

[[me...]]

Megan,

 

I just re-read your original post and found it to be even more meaningful now that I am deeper into my taper.  The idea that Xanax depressed your desire to paint is so interesting to me.  And sad....but amazing that now, after your taper and recovery, the desire and dedication and willingness to work has come back to you!  How wonderful... Years ago but not THAT long ago, before I started to take Klonopin/Clonazepam, I began writing in a serious way, (after I retired from my career) several un-produced feature length screenplays and a novel which I have mentioned in other threads.  The thing is, I haven't done any significant writing other than emails (or posts ) since I began taking K...but I never thought about the connection.  I knew that anti-depressants affected some people with a "what the heck" attitude about accomplishing much but never thought of benzos in that respect.  Thank you for bringing this to our attention...this dampening effect the benzodiazepines have on our drive to "do". 

 

Thank you so much for ALL of your helpful and supportive replies and posts and for being a member of the BB Team!!  Continued good health and best wishes,

 

Mana   

 

 

Thank you, Mana.  I actually felt fairly good on Xanax, or at least I thought I did, mainly because it was very effective against my anxiety.  But, I didn't realize how Xanax was affecting my creativity until I'd been off it for some time. 

[[ca...]]

Hi Megan~ I know I have posted on this before a few months ago but I just reread your story and have to thank you again for sharing it.  Although I did have a great little window a few weeks ago, the past few days have been so rough.  So, reading that you healed and that you believe others who suffer a lot can too, gives me a lot of hope.  I feel like my withdrawal has been worst than most and I worry that because of it, I might not get to heal.  Thank you for letting us know that you did!!  I am so happy for you!!

[[my...]]

You know,

I think, when we are in withdrawal, we cannot even think of others and their symptoms, the severity of them relative to ours -- because we are so preoccupied with our own experience.  It does help to know that others have healed or are healing...but it's difficult not to wonder WHY we are subjecting ourselves to this process.

When, Megan, I read that you "actually felt fairly good on Xanax"...or something like that...I wonder what inspired you to get off of it.  And I, well I know I was experiencing tolerance w/d this past fall, having the anxiety symptoms even while taking 2 mg of K, and felt it was time to get off....but if I had known what "getting off" entailed, I might not have begun this journey.  I don't know.

 

Today, the third day into this particular cut, has been HARD, as was yesterday.  Last night and this morning I was depressed, a new aspect of this withdrawal (not that I have never been depressed before!), in addition to having leg muscle aches, the old chest tightness, the usual heightened anxiety, etc etc.  I DO worry that I will never "be myself" again.  Right now -- I am sorry to say - I couldn't care less about writing or being creative...I simply want to enjoy my life, be able to laugh with my husband and my family, particularly my baby grand daughters, and friends.  I worry about becoming a complete drag -- full of negativity and complaints and WHY would I want that??

 

All I can do is say to myself that this is the acute phase -- the first 3 to 6 days or so...and afterwords I will feel OK or at least have some nice long windows.  But then I will cut again at some point and go through this again - and again...  Right now I don't know if I have the fortitude to continue the process for as long as it will take to get off K.  I even feel like I am letting my new friends on BB down by being so dejected and I feel bad about that!  I know I will prevail but it is damn hard!!!

M

[[Af...]]

Megan,

When I first read this post I only read your "Two Years Off" Update. This time I read your original Success Story as well. Thank you for taking the time to do this.

I don't like to focus on my symptoms either, but it was actually really helpful and reassuring to read how you felt at various points in your recovery. I was experiencing an irrational wave of doubt about whether or not I would continue to get better, and your details helped put my fear in perspective. My creativity is important to me too, and I experienced a grand resurgence at Christmastime, but now it's scitter-scattered away again. Now I know it's just a matter of time before it returns....ok, maybe time and distraction!

This again, Aft

[[me...]]

Megan,

When I first read this post I only read your "Two Years Off" Update. This time I read your original Success Story as well. Thank you for taking the time to do this.

I don't like to focus on my symptoms either, but it was actually really helpful and reassuring to read how you felt at various points in your recovery. I was experiencing an irrational wave of doubt about whether or not I would continue to get better, and your details helped put my fear in perspective. My creativity is important to me too, and I experienced a grand resurgence at Christmastime, but now it's scitter-scattered away again. Now I know it's just a matter of time before it returns....ok, maybe time and distraction!

This again, Aft

 

Thanks, Aft.  Feeling that "I'll never heal" is actually one of the most common mental symptoms.  But it's a "benzo lie," and we do get better.  I'm glad my story helped you.

 

[[Si...]]

thanks for posting this is so hopeful so glad youre doing well.

[[Bu...]]

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this encouraging story!  It is just what I need today while in my taper!!  I am going to go back and read your posts to get the full effect of your journey.  Thank you again for sharing your success! 

 

 

[[me...]]

You're welcome, Siberia and ButterCup.  :smitten:

[[Ao...]]

Thank you Megan

 

I just came across your post today . I too was on Xanax but thankfully I am now off it since last August 2014.  It was hell and I've had all the symptoms you describe.  I've since come off Ambien and now I am tapering Valium. OMG. it is a nightmare. .

I agree with you .. Distraction is the key 

 

I wish you more health and happiness and thank you for looking after us here on BB. You are an inspiration 

[[me...]]

Thanks Aoibherose! 

[[ro...]]

Hi Megan,

I read your blog often, to help me keep hope,

I'm 62 and doing this over a year now. I get weary...it's the time thing..patience..

I have many obligations with an aging parent, my mom, And this is most difficult as  my depression  is high, just lots of life changes at this time of life..

 

I really need to read stories of recovery like you're..

I'm so glad you are helping others here with encouragement.

Continued good life to,you.

 

Rose

[[me...]]

Thank you Rose    I started tapering at 62 and I'm almost 65 now.  If I can do this, you can too!

[[ro...]]

Thank you Megan..

[[Ul...]]

So, I'm new to this site.  I have to ask: Did you have professional guidance during your taper and, if so, who helped you...psychiatrist, etc.?

 

Thank you!

[[me...]]

So, I'm new to this site.  I have to ask: Did you have professional guidance during your taper and, if so, who helped you...psychiatrist, etc.?

 

Thank you!

 

Hi, and welcome.  No, I tapered on my own.  You'll find that many, if not most of our members manage their own tapers.  One reason for this is that most doctors don't seem to recognize the value of a slow taper, and will either put their patients on very rapid tapers or in some cases, even cold turkey them.

[[me...]]

Update:  THREE years off as of March 18!  But, happily, my three year anniversary almost went unnoticed due to a significant birthday and other events last month.  It's great to have reached a point where benzo issues are no longer the most important things in my life.  Things DO return to normal as you heal!

 

[[Li...]]

Megan, glad to stumble across your story. Just the kind of encouragement I needed to hear. I'm at the 17 month mark and experiencing similar cognitive challenges you faced at this point in time. I too am a painter and have suffered a similar set back in that regard. Looking forward to discovering my passion again, and more so, that overall sense of feeling well. I'm the sol provider of the family, three kids and my wife, and have dedicated all my personal energy to remaining employed and stay as healthy as I can during this process -- having run multiple marathons in the past doesn't remotely compare to difficulties faced this past year, but I can reference the metaphor and do often, especially on those exceptionally tough days. Thank you for taking the time to check back with folks such as myself, it means a lot. I hope to return the favor one day.

[Guest [ga...]]

So, I'm new to this site.  I have to ask: Did you have professional guidance during your taper and, if so, who helped you...psychiatrist, etc.?

 

Thank you!

 

I do have  psychiatrist who is supportive of me, but he told me that basically I was in charge of my taper because each person is different and needs to choose their own pace. I listen to my body and I read this board. I've just begun, but so far so good!

[[Ra...]]

Megan,  CONGRATULATIONS on your 3 year anniversary!  Well done!!  Thank you for all you do for all of us here on BB  :smitten:

[[me...]]

So, I'm new to this site.  I have to ask: Did you have professional guidance during your taper and, if so, who helped you...psychiatrist, etc.?

 

Thank you!

 

I do have  psychiatrist who is supportive of me, but he told me that basically I was in charge of my taper because each person is different and needs to choose their own pace. I listen to my body and I read this board. I've just begun, but so far so good!

 

Hi Liv4life,  Gardener59, and Rabbit11.  Thanks for commenting here.  Gardener, you're very lucky to have such a good doctor.  Most doctors do not seem to want anything to do with helping people taper.  Good luck to all of you!

 

 

[[Ca...]]

Megan...it is wonderful to read that benzo issues are not loudest on your list any longer! Congratulations on your 3 year anniversary. It feels far away...but time passes  quickly and all of us will join you one day. On the roughest days it feels unobtainable...but I know you felt that way and look at you now! So happy for you.

 

Thank you for your dedicated support,

 

Carita 

[[me...]]

Megan...it is wonderful to read that benzo issues are not loudest on your list any longer! Congratulations on your 3 year anniversary. It feels far away...but time passes  quickly and all of us will join you one day. On the roughest days it feels unobtainable...but I know you felt that way and look at you now! So happy for you.

 

Thank you for your dedicated support,

 

Carita 

 

Thanks, Carita.  The time passes more quickly than you might think! 

[[Je...]]

Megan...it is wonderful to read that benzo issues are not loudest on your list any longer! Congratulations on your 3 year anniversary. It feels far away...but time passes  quickly and all of us will join you one day. On the roughest days it feels unobtainable...but I know you felt that way and look at you now! So happy for you.

 

Thank you for your dedicated support,

 

Carita 

 

Thanks, Carita.  The time passes more quickly than you might think! 

 

  Yep!