~~The Bedridden Club~~

[[ho...]]

Ladyden-  Thank you.  Yes...watch out, that’s what I tell him...so many crazy drivers here...lol.

 

I’m glad you are going for a visit tomorrow to see your granddaughter...so exciting 

 

I’m barely feeling this cut, so far so good.  And I am tempted to just cut again soon....lol, but I am not going to.  I am going to take things slow, so I don’t end up a mess like before.  I do believe we can heal our CNS as we go down slowly, so that’s what I am going to do.

 

Hope you have a great weekend....

 

I hope everyone has a good weekend and can do just a little bit more then usual 

 

Marie

[[Ro...]]

Marie,

Great news that you are not getting hit too hard with this cut.  Long may that continue. I agree with you on going slowly to let the CNS heal. I am a very messy example of what can happen when you go too fast. On the upside this foggy window is still open.

 

You must metabolise valium very fast to feel the cuts so quick. I can’t be sure whether I did too as I did consecutive cuts on Mondays in the last stretch. Day 3 for a cut was also day 10 for the previous cut. I didn’t keep track until after 1mg as I hadn’t found BBs until then.

 

I agree with you on grocery shopping. Its not my favourite thing to do either. I just do all of it online now. Its great you have such a supportive family to help you out with things including that knot in your neck. Its good he worked that out. Bloody benzos are a literal pain in the neck! 

 

I managed to watch more of the Crown. It is so very good. It is worth getting excited about. Enjoy!

 

Your partner in Scotland in his motorbike gear to stay warm LOL 

 

I didn’t realise that the water was cold along the west coast. I’ve never been. The furthest west I have got so far is Luchenback Texas! I enjoyed the warm water in Florida too. I can’t boogie board but would give it a try. I’m going to give everything a try after this. I do enjoy snorkelling and would like to do the Padi diving course. One for my list of fun things to do when I am better. I’d also like to go on another boating holiday on the Shannon in Ireland too. I enjoyed sailing the boat but not the opening locks. My cousins kids were handy for that! There are load of them on one stretch of river. Hopefully you will get on your boogie board and I will be back in my snorkel soon.

 

Are you planning anything special for when your cousins visit from New York?

 

Sending healing vibes.

Roxy

 

 

[[Ro...]]

Ladyden,

 

Back to see your granddaughter again tomorrow.    At this rate it will not be long until you are able to go on your day trip to the waterfalls.

 

Sorry to hear you are getting hit with a wave right now. I do hope that it passes before your trip tomorrow. The symptoms are so unpredictable it is impossible to make firm plans but if we do make plans then some of them will succeed. I have my fingers crossed for you that you get to go back again tomorrow and have a wonderful Sunday holding baby on your knee. Have a word with the symptoms and tell them to scoot! That’s what I am doing today as I want to watch another episode of the Crown and need the DR to not go full blown again as I can’t follow TV when it does. I’ve got the headache thing too. A new symptom appeared just before I jumped – a tight band around my forehead. I saw a few posts about this. It is a weird feeling and hurts!

 

Wow! You are an accomplished artist. I have always admired people having creative talents. I think you are born able to sign, paint etc. It can be learned to an extend but I think you need to have the underlaying talent also. I understand your wanting to keep your art for family and friends.  So much personal time and love goes into each piece of art that it would be very hard to hand it over to a stranger. It would be something to have a painting of the waterfalls to mark your first daytrip and if you paint people, a painting of your granddaughter to mark your first car journey.

 

Its great to be back on the couch! I am so grateful when the symptoms give me enough of a break to get out of my bed. I spend so much time just lying there in it. I can’t even sit up in it to use my laptop as it is a water bed but I wouldn’t part with it. I had it shipped from Ireland many years ago. Thankfully its big and very comfortable.  I would be thrilled if I could get up every day. Its about 2 days a week currently and not for a full day.

 

We do rock! After this we will all be able to do just about anything. 

 

Have a wonderful day tomorrow. Sending love and hugs back to you from England!

Roxy

 

[[ho...]]

Marie,

Great news that you are not getting hit too hard with this cut.  Long may that continue. I agree with you on going slowly to let the CNS heal. I am a very messy example of what can happen when you go too fast. On the upside this foggy window is still open.

 

You must metabolise valium very fast to feel the cuts so quick. I can’t be sure whether I did too as I did consecutive cuts on Mondays in the last stretch. Day 3 for a cut was also day 10 for the previous cut. I didn’t keep track until after 1mg as I hadn’t found BBs until then.

 

I agree with you on grocery shopping. Its not my favourite thing to do either. I just do all of it online now. Its great you have such a supportive family to help you out with things including that knot in your neck. Its good he worked that out. Bloody benzos are a literal pain in the neck! 

 

I managed to watch more of the Crown. It is so very good. It is worth getting excited about. Enjoy!

 

Your partner in Scotland in his motorbike gear to stay warm LOL 

 

I didn’t realise that the water was cold along the west coast. I’ve never been. The furthest west I have got so far is Luchenback Texas! I enjoyed the warm water in Florida too. I can’t boogie board but would give it a try. I’m going to give everything a try after this. I do enjoy snorkelling and would like to do the Padi diving course. One for my list of fun things to do when I am better. I’d also like to go on another boating holiday on the Shannon in Ireland too. I enjoyed sailing the boat but not the opening locks. My cousins kids were handy for that! There are load of them on one stretch of river. Hopefully you will get on your boogie board and I will be back in my snorkel soon.

 

Are you planning anything special for when your cousins visit from New York?

 

Sending healing vibes.

Roxy

 

Roxy - I definitely metabolize it quick.  I do with all medication.  And there is no doubt, because I have felt it like I said at a specific hour....so I know that it is happening.  You were cutting quick.  WOW.  That is probably why you ended up having so much trouble.  This seems to be what I am seeing on the threads and learning.  I will know more as I progress and get to the end.  Time will tell. 

 

I love to snorkel too.  One of my favorite things to do.  I also want to dive...it’s on my bucket list when I am feeling better.

 

I’m glad your window is open, and you got to watch more of The Crown.  My partner and I started it a couple of nights ago.  We are already on episode 8 of season 1.  We are really enjoying it.  I hope your window stays open and you can keep watching.

 

I love that you have a water bed.  I had my first waterbed when I was 14 and it was a king size.  I had them into my 20’s....I have missed them for decades now.  But for the past 10years I have had the adjustable beds, and I love those too.  We have the Sleep Number Split King and we love it. 

 

Next time you come across the pond, you should come to the west coast.....I recommend renting a RV and doing the coastline and then heading inland (east) and going to the Grand Canyon, NV and also hitting Lake Powell, and Mt.Zion ( not in that order) Lake Powell first, Grand Canyon, then Mt. Zion.....That would be a fantastic trip.  I would love to go sailing.....I love to be on the water!!  That sounds like so much fun.

 

No we haven’t really planned anything yet.  We will probably go river rafting for sure...Probably go to Santa Cruz to boogie board, and then just stay at my families and swim and b-que.  Maybe some of the family might go mountain biking up at Tahoe if the resorts are open.  I’m not sure if they are, and if they will require mask, I know my family won’t go.

 

Sorry you are getting the dreaded headache....I had those, still get them sometimes.  That’s why I had to go on the Topomax and for sleep.  I was getting Migraines, and it was horrible.  Make sure you’re drinking lots of water 

 

 

Ladyden-  I hope you got to visit with your granddaughter today.

 

I love the idea of you painting a picture of your granddaughter too.....or maybe a car to signify your progress!  It’s amazing you are an artist.  My daughter is a natural too.  She can also play the piano and write music and never took a piano lesson in her life.  It’s amazing.  Maybe you could post a piece of your art for us to see 

 

Marie

 

[[Ro...]]

Hey Marie! Yep – the fast haphazard cutting landed me in a mess for sure. You are on a much better taper path.

 

The water is my favourite place to be. I used to go to the pool every day. I’m not into the sun and sand but I’m definitely there for the sea! Wont it be a great day when we are snorkelling again and then again when we pass the diving course. So much to look forward to. I intend to seize life with both hands and then some when I heal. 

 

River rafting sounds very exciting. I’d love to try it. I know how your family feel about the dreaded masks. They make me very claustrophobic so I’m kind of ok with not going out right now. I hope it all works out for your family’s lake Tahoe trip. Lucky them!

 

Thank you for the travel recommendation. I had already decided to hire an RV for my next road trip due to time wasted in the past looking for hotels. The cost saved on hotels should hopefully meet the hire price. I love the route you suggested. Thank you! I would literally go in the morning if I was healed. I tend to book my trips very last minute. I’ve driven a logging truck once many years ago but have no other experience at all with large vehicles. Right now I couldn’t drive a lawnmower!

 

When I said sailing I meant boating! I keep mixing up works and names – annoying mental Sx. I hire a cruiser for a week, size depending on numbers. The Shannon is 150 miles of river with no commercial traffic. Lots of riverside bars and restaurants and other people out boating and having bbqs and playing their instruments on the banks. Its great fun.

 

My foggy window is still open and I slept 8 hours last night. That is 3 days in a row out of bed. A first since I hit 3mg and the DR has gone down a bit too. Still very present but less intense. That’s a lot of improvement in only 2 weeks. I wasn’t expecting that so quickly to be honest as my taper was so bad.

 

I hope that you are enjoying a good long sleep in your comfy split king right now!

 

Have a lovely day and enjoy the Crown. I’m still on the first season too. Loving it!

Roxy

 

 

[[ho...]]

Roxy-  That was so funny about the logging truck to lawnmower....I got a good chuckle out of that.  You can rent pretty small RV’s, depending on how many will be traveling with you.  There are a lot of independent vendors with very nice RV’s to choose from too.  Just make sure you get a fully independent one, that has it’s own generator.  Just in case you can’t get full hook up’s and the weather is hot, or nights are cold, depending where you could be.

 

I so want to see the Shannon now....that sounds like my kind of “boating” too.....and yes, I can’t wait to get in the water.

 

Wow....sleeping 8 hours...that is fantastic.  I only sleep about 6 every night.  I wish I could sleep more, but it just doesn’t happen.  I’m so glad you are getting sleep and getting up.....hopefully ‘healing” is in full mode and you are on your way 

 

Today I feel a little more of the cut, but it would make sense as the 2nd part of the 1/2 life is leaving....I still feel pretty good, but I am vibrating just a bit and last night was night 6 of the cut.  I think I will be ok with the 5.5% cut’s.  I am going to try that next time...and hopefully be able to do about 10-11% a month.  If that is too much, I will back it back down and just go slower.  Eventually I will probably end up doing a DMT....

 

I hope today is going well and you are up and enjoying the day 

 

Marie

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[La...]]

Awesome Roxy that you're making some progress. To me as I go along in my recovery, all the tiny things are such a big deal. The little things that most people don't give a second thought about means the world to us. When were healed what a greater appreciation we will have! I'm proud of you for not giving up or giving in. You are a warrior. You can and will make it! If I can....anyone can! I was one of the worst cases I've read on here. Stand your ground. Have a plan each day. Distract and fight back! Allow the tough days to happen with the knowledge that its temporary. I've always wanted to visit England. I love watching English shows. Especially the cooking ones.

Marie, you're so right.it's very wise to not go too fast in tapering. It's an unnecessary torment. I believe toward the end of my taper, I dropped too much ( percentage wise) and pushed my dizziness to the max! I didn't do this on purpose. It was a simple miscalculation. Toward the end, the tiniest drop can pack a mean punch. Must go slow and be careful.

To both of you...yes I went to see the baby yesterday. Another successful car ride. Plus I was able to stay for two hours this time. I'm hoping at this rate by next month I will be driving again. Wow wouldn't that be a dream! I don't mind the stores. They don't bother me at all unless the music on the speakers are too loud. Hugs and love to you both.

[[ho...]]

Ladyden - That is so wonderful that you had a two hour visit and hopefully the rate you are going, you will be on your way

 

And your advice about the end and small cuts, because of how they pack a punch, I will be sure to do.  I plan on doing a symptom based all the way down.  I have read so much on here, and will follow the old timers and those going through it now, and what seems to be working out the best.  Going fast and furious at first, certainly didn’t do me any good.  This current cut of only 3.4% has been very tolerable, and I am going down, and that is the goal.  So that’s my only focus.  No more calendar and a certain date that I “must” be off by, like in the beginning.

 

You both have been a huge help in my process too and I am so thankful.  Much love 

 

Marie

[[th...]]

Hi All,

I'm a new BB, you can see my history below.  It is not long, but I quickly became ill and spend my days in bed, a chair, or on my back patio.  I don't know if it is the V., or the C/T from the K. and baclo. that has caused this. The main things that keep me in bed are  1) crushing morning adrenaline rushes that leave me with w/d type shaking and last for 3-4 hours, not relieved by taking my morning dose; 2) depression- really dark, really sad, really hard to feel hope that I will ever find myself out of this mess.  I've never dealt with depression before and it's truly debilitating.

My psychiatrist insisted I make a DT from 10---> mg 4 days ago.  I'm sure that's not helping at all. 

Any positive support would mean so much. Thanks.

 

[[ho...]]

Hi All,

I'm a new BB, you can see my history below.  It is not long, but I quickly became ill and spend my days in bed, a chair, or on my back patio.  I don't know if it is the V., or the C/T from the K. and baclo. that has caused this. The main things that keep me in bed are  1) crushing morning adrenaline rushes that leave me with w/d type shaking and last for 3-4 hours, not relieved by taking my morning dose; 2) depression- really dark, really sad, really hard to feel hope that I will ever find myself out of this mess.  I've never dealt with depression before and it's truly debilitating.

My psychiatrist insisted I make a DT from 10---> mg 4 days ago.  I'm sure that's not helping at all. 

Any positive support would mean so much. Thanks.

 

Hi-  we have spoke on another thread....

 

The K and V are very different and I struggled when I did a C/O and then just kept cutting and ended up pretty much bedridden/couch bound.  I had a few windows, and was able to get out a few times over a couple of months, but mostly I was a wreck.  At 10 mg I finally “held” to stabilize and that made a huge difference.  I now am doing a much slower taper.

 

I would agree your cut is not helping at the moment, because you weren’t yet stabilized on the V, in my opinion.  If your doctor isn’t willing to help you, you may want to consider finding a doctor that will.  It is getting easier with tella doctors available now, and ones who specialize in benzo’s or ‘addiction/decency” issues too.  Or just calling around and finding one in your area that will “help” you. 

 

You just made a 10% cut.....when does your doctor want you to cut again?  If you look at my signature, I was doing the ~10% cut’s and about every 2 weeks and I just got worse and worse (again, a few good days, a few windows, but then they would close and the waves just got bigger) until I just couldn’t see going on anymore like that.  Thankfully my doctor is willing to work with me at my pace. 

 

Drink lots of water....force it down...also try and eat some protein.....I would fry an egg...sometimes that’s all I would eat in a day.  Just rest when you need to, it is you bodies way of telling you something, so listen.  Be patient with yourself, and know you are not alone.  This is very difficult on many of us. 

 

Marie

[[th...]]

Yes, I need a new Dr.  I feel like I was getting a little better, and then she made me make the cut.  She is planning to have me cut 10% at the top of every 4 weeks.  Will I stabilize on this 9 mg dose do you think, even though I wasn't stable to start with?  I'm so concerned about my weight.  Less than 100# is not a good place to be, yet, she didn't seem concerned and told me to "drink Ensure."  I have 3 sweet little kids.  I feel so sad about all of this.  Trying to stay positive, but it is hard. 

Thanks for taking time to comment on all my threads.  I guess I'm just hoping that a switch back to K. would be a "magic bullet", but I should know better by now.  Probably best to just accept the V. and try to see the symptoms as healing.  So hard.

[[ho...]]

Yes, I need a new Dr.  I feel like I was getting a little better, and then she made me make the cut.  She is planning to have me cut 10% at the top of every 4 weeks.  Will I stabilize on this 9 mg dose do you think, even though I wasn't stable to start with?  I'm so concerned about my weight.  Less than 100# is not a good place to be, yet, she didn't seem concerned and told me to "drink Ensure."  I have 3 sweet little kids.  I feel so sad about all of this.  Trying to stay positive, but it is hard. 

Thanks for taking time to comment on all my threads.  I guess I'm just hoping that a switch back to K. would be a "magic bullet", but I should know better by now.  Probably best to just accept the V. and try to see the symptoms as healing.  So hard.

 

Well the good news is she is having you do a 10% cut every 4 weeks instead of every 2 weeks...so you could just cut 5% now, and do 5% again in 2 weeks and that wouldn’t be so traumatic on your already fragile system.  It still works out to the 10% cut over a 4 week period. 

 

I am just learning as I am going, and also  from the older/seasoned BB’s, and it seems to be a “symptom based” taper is the better taper and to be stabilized before continuing (if possible) with any taper.  Also figuring out what works best, as far as taper methods (I’m trying to figure that out myself). 

 

Marie

[[th...]]

It looks like you've been able to do some cuts in two week increments?  Are your dry cutting?

[[ho...]]

It looks like you've been able to do some cuts in two week increments?  Are your dry cutting?

 

I am back to dry cutting now.  Most of all my cutting was dry cutting at about every 2 weeks at ~ 10%....it was too much for “me”. 

 

Now I am going to try DT again, and do smaller % and hopefully that will work better, every 2-3 weeks, depending on “symptoms”.

 

Marie

[[th...]]

It looks like you've been able to do some cuts in two week increments?  Are your dry cutting?

 

I am back to dry cutting now.  Most of all my cutting was dry cutting at about every 2 weeks at ~ 10%....it was too much for “me”. 

 

Now I am going to try DT again, and do smaller % and hopefully that will work better, every 2-3 weeks, depending on “symptoms”.

 

Marie

 

Wow!  Good for you.  OK, once I get a better feel for how my Dr. is going to prescribe my month's supply, hopefully I can start cutting slower throughout the month.  Excellent work on your progress.  You are amazing!

[[ho...]]

It looks like you've been able to do some cuts in two week increments?  Are your dry cutting?

 

I am back to dry cutting now.  Most of all my cutting was dry cutting at about every 2 weeks at ~ 10%....it was too much for “me”. 

 

Now I am going to try DT again, and do smaller % and hopefully that will work better, every 2-3 weeks, depending on “symptoms”.

 

Marie

 

Wow!  Good for you.  OK, once I get a better feel for how my Dr. is going to prescribe my month's supply, hopefully I can start cutting slower throughout the month.  Excellent work on your progress.  You are amazing!

 

Thank you....not so sure about “amazing”....lol. 

 

Yes, you will get the hang of it, as we all are trying to do...

 

Marie

[[th...]]

I have committed myself to walk 5 times around my backyard everyday (probably.20 of a mile....two months ago I was walking 5 miles/day).  I also have 2 lb weights that I am tonight committing myself to do something with everyday. 

 

I might not be able to do hardly anything, but I've got to try to at least do as much as I can.

[[ho...]]

I have committed myself to walk 5 times around my backyard everyday (probably.20 of a mile....two months ago I was walking 5 miles/day).  I also have 2 lb weights that I am tonight committing myself to do something with everyday. 

 

I might not be able to do hardly anything, but I've got to try to at least do as much as I can.

 

OMG...I can so relate....before I got really serious about my taper, I was walking at least 5 mi a day with my dog’s and going to the gym....Now I am back to about 40 min walks, maybe a 1 mi, and not daily (it all depends)......but there were times when all I could do was get up and stretch, and do a little yoga...or walk outside up and down the street, and I wouldn’t even take my dog’s because putting the leashes on was too much work (my son walks them daily, if I don’t, or my partner, or older kids would come by).  Sometimes I was so sick, just brushing my teeth was all I could do......it’s amazing how awful this benzo mess can be.  Literally bedridden....thus the name of this thread.

 

Good for you to commit to getting out and walking and with the weights.  I was just reading again today where Colin writes about working out, and how it’s really hard and can rev up symptoms, but over time it is beneficial....I had to reread that today.  If you haven’t read it, it’s in the Repository. 

 

 

Marie

[[Ro...]]

Marie – 6 hours sleep was a very good night on my taper. You are keeping things stable.

 

I had a lot of zero nights and 1-2 hours. Getting this poison out of the system has definitely helped my sleep. Your normal sleep will return when you are off. I seem to be on sleep catch up at the minute. Another 10hrs last night (8 ½ hours, loo, 1 ½ hours). This is my fifth sleep 9+hrs since I jumped. I just wish the DR would disappear too. I didn’t even know that’s what it was called until I read about it on here. I hope that your vibrating has gone now? I don’t have that too bad (just a bit recently), its more the seeing the world through an abstract lens/ feeling like my surroundings are a film set thing that stumps me.

 

Hows the cut going? I hope you are still feeling good today on night 8? Symptom based is the way every time. I found an interesting post on Gardeners Prog that made a lot of sense to me on the subject. I don’t know how to do links yet so have copied it below in case you haven’t seen it.

 

That’s good advice to get an RV with a generator from an independent vendor for my future holiday. Its something to really look forward to. I’m no good at temperature fluctuations now if I lost power and the big companies were on the pricey side last time I checked.

 

I am up and on the couch enjoying the day 😊 I hope you are having a good day too? That is five days in a row that I have got out of bed for a while. It’s a huge change after months on end bedridden full time with just a few hours on the couch in the week. Being off is making a big difference that I really wasn’t expecting any time soon.

 

Roxy 

 

Gardener99 Prog

Damage and Healing (quoted from SG)

 

I've come to learn that this is not about getting to zero.  It is about always feeling well.  It is not drug withdrawal, it is managing receptor function.  It is about keeping receptors functioning normally at all times so the GABA and glutamate systems do not incur further damage, while coaxing the body to add new GABA receptors.  Your doctor looks at it as drug withdrawal and dependence.  I try to never even use those words anymore.  If an up dose is needed, I'd do it….

 

There seem to be two types of damage.  One is GABA down-regulation - everyone who experiences symptoms has this.  The drug has caused you to have fewer GABA receptors.  This is the basic problem common to everyone here, and a careful taper can restore them.

 

The second type of damage is from being too short of benzo.  It happens when you short yourself so much that the neuron can no longer handle it.  I don't fully understand what happens, but the end result is thought to be a long-term problem in the glutamate system.  This damage is avoidable and it should be the aim of all tapers to do just that.  I'd say 95% of the people here do not manage to avoid this type of damage (including me) and they get stuck with long-lasting symptoms during and after the taper.  This is a shame as it does not have to happen.

 

 

[[Ro...]]

Ladyden,

Hooray!! Another successful day to visit your granddaughter. Its great that you were up to staying longer this time. You are making a new beautiful routine taking you outside the house and on the road

 

Did you find that you got dizziness or nausea during or after the car journey. I have crazy levels of dizziness as well as my PoTs (an existing condition). This is extra as its quite rotational and not linked to BP. It doesn’t help that I have trouble focusing, especially in the evening when everything is swimming. I also have nausea and suffer from travel sickness a little (very bad when I was younger). I was wondering if a car journey revs up any symptoms like that?

 

Your dream of driving again sounds like it is well within grasp. Now that you are getting out and about you will reacclimitise to reading the road as a passenger first. Lots of trips to see baby!

Brilliant advice as always Ladyden. The tiny things are indeed a big deal. I don’t know about warrior! – I’d say I’m just stubborn! You are such an inspiration to me exactly because you were in my boat not so long ago and you are doing the things I want to be able do successfully and watching you do more and more is very reassuring. Your and Marie’s support has really helped me with this all.

 

Distractions planned for the rest of the day are to learn about how to care for my two new houseplants, eat a nice dinner and watch some TV. I also plan to paint my nails later. I haven’t painted them since August as I wasn’t up to it. I used to do them every few days and they currently look a fright and have gone all soft and an odd flat shape. Anyway I am going to do them – with a light colour as hands still a bit nervy. Future goal – postbox red!

 

The cooking shows are great. I love them too. At the minute I am watching the Crown in and bits of Masterchef with John Torrode and Greg Wallace on catch up. I have watched Masterchef since I was a kid. The final is just over so I am trying to avoid finding out who won as I slowly catch up.

 

There are lots of good places for a holiday in England as well as London. Cornwall is absolutely beautiful. There is a little hamlet called Mousehall which is full of cats sitting on all of the little stone walls. I am cat obsessed so love it😊

 

Sending hugs and love back to you.

Roxy

[[Ro...]]

Hey Therewouldbenobutterflies, welcome! 

 

I’m sorry that you too are suffering to the point that you are either bedridden or staying home. Its shows just how destructive benzos are that everyone on this thread past and present has found themselves in this position. The good news is that it is temporary. I do hope that you put your bedridden days behind you very soon.

 

The morning adrenaline surges are common. I got them at all times of the day though including in the middle of the night waking me up. They are horrible but remember they will go away. I still have the adrenaline surges but nowhere near as many as I did before I jumped and I am sleeping well now too.

 

Depression is very common too and there is a special board for that which you may have come across. Although I went though some very dark DR driven life review stuff and grieving emotions, depression was not one of my most severe symptoms during most of my taper. I had severe depression that I remember for about 2 weeks in the run up to my jump which has now passed and I am less depressed now that I’m off than I have been in a while.  I am still on ADs which seem to work for me though I want of all psychoactive meds (I'm on pregabalin too) in time. Like all of these symptoms, it is all temporary unless you already had it pre – benzos of course.

 

I hope that you are doing ok today?

Roxy 😊

 

[[ho...]]

Marie – 6 hours sleep was a very good night on my taper. You are keeping things stable.

 

I had a lot of zero nights and 1-2 hours. Getting this poison out of the system has definitely helped my sleep. Your normal sleep will return when you are off. I seem to be on sleep catch up at the minute. Another 10hrs last night (8 ½ hours, loo, 1 ½ hours). This is my fifth sleep 9+hrs since I jumped. I just wish the DR would disappear too. I didn’t even know that’s what it was called until I read about it on here. I hope that your vibrating has gone now? I don’t have that too bad (just a bit recently), its more the seeing the world through an abstract lens/ feeling like my surroundings are a film set thing that stumps me.

 

Hows the cut going? I hope you are still feeling good today on night 8? Symptom based is the way every time. I found an interesting post on Gardeners Prog that made a lot of sense to me on the subject. I don’t know how to do links yet so have copied it below in case you haven’t seen it.

 

That’s good advice to get an RV with a generator from an independent vendor for my future holiday. Its something to really look forward to. I’m no good at temperature fluctuations now if I lost power and the big companies were on the pricey side last time I checked.

 

I am up and on the couch enjoying the day 😊 I hope you are having a good day too? That is five days in a row that I have got out of bed for a while. It’s a huge change after months on end bedridden full time with just a few hours on the couch in the week. Being off is making a big difference that I really wasn’t expecting any time soon.

 

Roxy 

 

Gardener99 Prog

Damage and Healing (quoted from SG)

 

I've come to learn that this is not about getting to zero.  It is about always feeling well.  It is not drug withdrawal, it is managing receptor function.  It is about keeping receptors functioning normally at all times so the GABA and glutamate systems do not incur further damage, while coaxing the body to add new GABA receptors.  Your doctor looks at it as drug withdrawal and dependence.  I try to never even use those words anymore.  If an up dose is needed, I'd do it….

 

There seem to be two types of damage.  One is GABA down-regulation - everyone who experiences symptoms has this.  The drug has caused you to have fewer GABA receptors.  This is the basic problem common to everyone here, and a careful taper can restore them.

 

The second type of damage is from being too short of benzo.  It happens when you short yourself so much that the neuron can no longer handle it.  I don't fully understand what happens, but the end result is thought to be a long-term problem in the glutamate system.  This damage is avoidable and it should be the aim of all tapers to do just that.  I'd say 95% of the people here do not manage to avoid this type of damage (including me) and they get stuck with long-lasting symptoms during and after the taper.  This is a shame as it does not have to happen.

 

Roxy-  I am so happy you are up more...That is fantastic.  Maybe just getting off was the best thing to do!! 

 

Oh the sleep you are getting....How lovely!  I can only dream that one day, I will sleep just 8 hours again.  This past week I have only been getting between 4-6 hours.  It’s the “cut”.  Early on in my C/O K to V disaster and then cutting for a while I would only get 2 hours and then maybe another 2 if I was lucky.....finally that started to increase to about 5 and then 6... I think that was around late Jan and early February ?  Anyway...as long as I am “sleeping”  .  But you enjoy every second of your splendid well deserved slumber 

 

My vibrating is finally gone today...ugh I just hate the vibrating.  Everyone is going to think I am nuts, but I don’t know if the DT is going to workout...LOL.  I am going to wait 3 weeks, stabilize really well, try one more time with a 5.5% cut and see how it goes and then make a decision.  But with my very precise journaling and memory, as much as I thought I didn’t like the DLMT (and the liquid compound Valium ) I think maybe it was better.  Here is why.  So why I did have some vibrating and some sx, with this cut...I still had some sx, but worse vibrating ( still functioning if “need” be) and ended up with a couple of headaches, “but” I noticed I started to lack motivation.....that did not happen while doing the DLMT.  I also felt that the compounded Valium was loosing it’s strength in the second week (increased vibrating) and talked with pharmacist about that too.  So I could just get a new bottle each week.  Anyway....I will figure it out.  I just don’t like how for a couple days, I lost the motivation to want to do things.  Today is much better and I am feeling back to normal 

 

I like Gardner’s Prog.  That is a great post.  Thank you and that is such great information and makes a lot of sense.  I plan on going slow.  I did just about 10% with the DLMT and that is what I am shooting for with the DT too.  Just trying to keep sx to a minimum. 

 

I saw your post to LD and about your nails.  Me too....I use to get my nails done all the time....and I have once painted them since COVID and not getting them done.  I even bought a Gel light and Gel polish to do them, and the Gel light is still in the box on my counter and the polish in the wrapper...lol.  You have inspired me to get it done...lol.  I will have to wait a couple of days, I just broke my middle finger nail last night.  Now I have to cut them all down.    I hope your nails look beautiful after a nice paint job 

 

So yesterday afternoon my youngest son (the football ‘lacrosse player) ended up in the ER from a skateboarding accident.  Thankfully he was with my oldest son, so I met them at the ER.  He landed on his ankle/foot, and thankfully it isn’t broken, but is badly sprained ( could have ligament damage) so he is in a walking boot and crutches.  We now have to follow up with his orthopedic sports surgeon...ugh.  He already has and MRI scheduled tomorrow for his shoulder and one on Monday for his hand/thumb....oh my.  The thing is...I had a “feeling” when he left the house.  :'(. Thankfully it wasn’t worse.  I don’t like  that he likes to skateboard.  All my kids do...even my daughter.    But they have to live their lives 

 

Well I hope you are having a wonderful day

 

Marie

 

[[La...]]

Hi All,

I'm a new BB, you can see my history below.  It is not long, but I quickly became ill and spend my days in bed, a chair, or on my back patio.  I don't know if it is the V., or the C/T from the K. and baclo. that has caused this. The main things that keep me in bed are  1) crushing morning adrenaline rushes that leave me with w/d type shaking and last for 3-4 hours, not relieved by taking my morning dose; 2) depression- really dark, really sad, really hard to feel hope that I will ever find myself out of this mess.  I've never dealt with depression before and it's truly debilitating.

My psychiatrist insisted I make a DT from 10---> mg 4 days ago.  I'm sure that's not helping at all. 

Any positive support would mean so much. Thanks.

Welcome!!!! The good thing is that you've found BBs  There are a number of threads and others who's on your medication that can buddy with you to help you on your journey. Reading the threads will prove to have vital information and support but just be careful to not read any of the "I'm doomed, I'll never heal, I feel hopeless, etc" Right now with you being depressed will not be a good time to read others horror stories/bad experiences with sadness. What you need to do is read positive helpful or success stories. Your depression will fade over time. But until it does my advice is to counteract some of it with positivity. Distract yourself with things you know you have enjoyed in the past. Keep a journal. Write how you feel and then write positive things you're proud of about yourself. Take baby steps. This is NOT a race. Pamper yourself everyday! You deserve a little TLC. You got this!!!! It won't be easy but you're in the right place to get through it. Big hugs to you. You have our support.

[[La...]]

Ladyden,

Hooray!! Another successful day to visit your granddaughter. Its great that you were up to staying longer this time. You are making a new beautiful routine taking you outside the house and on the road

 

Did you find that you got dizziness or nausea during or after the car journey. I have crazy levels of dizziness as well as my PoTs (an existing condition). This is extra as its quite rotational and not linked to BP. It doesn’t help that I have trouble focusing, especially in the evening when everything is swimming. I also have nausea and suffer from travel sickness a little (very bad when I was younger). I was wondering if a car journey revs up any symptoms like that?

 

Your dream of driving again sounds like it is well within grasp. Now that you are getting out and about you will reacclimitise to reading the road as a passenger first. Lots of trips to see baby!

Brilliant advice as always Ladyden. The tiny things are indeed a big deal. I don’t know about warrior! – I’d say I’m just stubborn! You are such an inspiration to me exactly because you were in my boat not so long ago and you are doing the things I want to be able do successfully and watching you do more and more is very reassuring. Your and Marie’s support has really helped me with this all.

 

Distractions planned for the rest of the day are to learn about how to care for my two new houseplants, eat a nice dinner and watch some TV. I also plan to paint my nails later. I haven’t painted them since August as I wasn’t up to it. I used to do them every few days and they currently look a fright and have gone all soft and an odd flat shape. Anyway I am going to do them – with a light colour as hands still a bit nervy. Future goal – postbox red!

 

The cooking shows are great. I love them too. At the minute I am watching the Crown in and bits of Masterchef with John Torrode and Greg Wallace on catch up. I have watched Masterchef since I was a kid. The final is just over so I am trying to avoid finding out who won as I slowly catch up.

 

There are lots of good places for a holiday in England as well as London. Cornwall is absolutely beautiful. There is a little hamlet called Mousehall which is full of cats sitting on all of the little stone walls. I am cat obsessed so love it😊

 

Sending hugs and love back to you.

Roxy

Roxy thx for your reply. To answer your question...no it doesn't increase any symptoms after my car ride. I do notice that I have some very mild vibrating afterwards. Within 30 minutes to an hour it disappears. To start back getting used to being in the car this is what I did...

When I could tolerate sitting up for 30 minutes, I went and just sat in my car for 5 minutes then after a week or two increased by 5 more until I could easily sat in it for 30 minutes. While doing this, I turned on the radio or looked at the news on my phone to distract myself. Doing this 3-5 times a week. Then took my first car ride around my block one time every 2-3 days. These are the ones that made my symptoms increase. But once my body got used to riding, it settled down. When I had a nice window, I increased my block ride to going around twice, then 3 times and so on. After each car ride I laid down to settle myself for about an hour. Now that I can ride in the car for atleast 15 minutes, I'm going to start sitting in the driver's seat and pretend I'm driving. ( practice without car moving). This includes looking out the window to the right and left as if a car is coming, checking rear and side mirrors, turning steering wheel, etc. once I'm comfortable then I'll drive around my block once. Then increase the block number every week or two. Once I can drive for 15 minutes, I'm going to go drive myself to see the baby as my reward. It's very important to reward yourself. 

Best advice to anyone is TO HAVE A PLAN! I'm sure you'll be making more progress soon. I'm glad my experience is helping you to keep the faith.

[[ho...]]

Hi All,

I'm a new BB, you can see my history below.  It is not long, but I quickly became ill and spend my days in bed, a chair, or on my back patio.  I don't know if it is the V., or the C/T from the K. and baclo. that has caused this. The main things that keep me in bed are  1) crushing morning adrenaline rushes that leave me with w/d type shaking and last for 3-4 hours, not relieved by taking my morning dose; 2) depression- really dark, really sad, really hard to feel hope that I will ever find myself out of this mess.  I've never dealt with depression before and it's truly debilitating.

My psychiatrist insisted I make a DT from 10---> mg 4 days ago.  I'm sure that's not helping at all. 

Any positive support would mean so much. Thanks.

Welcome!!!! The good thing is that you've found BBs  There are a number of threads and others who's on your medication that can buddy with you to help you on your journey. Reading the threads will prove to have vital information and support but just be careful to not read any of the "I'm doomed, I'll never heal, I feel hopeless, etc" Right now with you being depressed will not be a good time to read others horror stories/bad experiences with sadness. What you need to do is read positive helpful or success stories. Your depression will fade over time. But until it does my advice is to counteract some of it with positivity. Distract yourself with things you know you have enjoyed in the past. Keep a journal. Write how you feel and then write positive things you're proud of about yourself. Take baby steps. This is NOT a race. Pamper yourself everyday! You deserve a little TLC. You got this!!!! It won't be easy but you're in the right place to get through it. Big hugs to you. You have our support.

 

Hi Lady-

 

Such great advice

 

I like your car ride “plan”....When you were talking about moving to the drivers side, I thought about going to the arcade and driving a race card  :laugh: But that would probably be too much stimulation.  But that’s me...just jump right in.  Just like my disastrous C/O and taper....Look where that got me.  You would think at my age (almost 55...just less than two weeks...yikes) I would have learned this lesson once or twice.

 

I’m so glad you are doing so well....It gives me so much hope for the future.  Both you and Roxy.  The “distractions” and “plans” are such good things to focus on. 

 

Marie

 

PS...give that baby a squeeze for me