An experience like no other

[[Be...]]

Thanks pj!

 

1.5-2 years like this is not doable i can barely make it through a day. I can never do this another year or 2....

[[...]]

Hi Benzomama

 

It's five-thirty in the morning as start to write this.  I usually get up around five, because that time of the morning all the little critters and the songbirds are starting to stir, and everything smells so fresh, especially after a gentle rain.

 

I wanted to write a few words to you, because you are hurting so much from the withdrawals.  Because it is written somewhere that it takes an average of 18-24 months to heal from the damage caused by benzos, don't let that alarm you.  These are only averages.  It doesn't mean all that much. 

 

Your 7 months off now, who knows, at 9 or 10 months you could be completely healed.  When it comes to benzos, nothing is carved in stone or one size definitely does not fit all. 

I was cold all the time,  I had to wear a jacket in the house, even in the summertime.  I think it was around month 8, when, just like some kind of  a miracle happened, I wasn't cold anymore.  Healing does happen, when we least expect it, and in the most unusual ways.

 

You're going to have some windows, everybody does.  You are healing every day.  I know it doesn't feel like you are, but you are.  Every minute of every day your body is healing itself from the damage caused by the benzos.

 

When I went c/t from the Ambien and the Ativan that I was taking ... this is no exaggeration, I did not sleep for almost thirty days.  I was not a functioning human, I was a Zombie. 

Ever so slowly, my ability to sleep came back.  At around 9 months off, I was sleeping up to 7 hours a night.  Like a miracle, I healed from that phase of withdrawals, too.

 

This horrendous nightmare is going to end for you. 

 

As I write this, you are healing inside.  It may not show on the outside, but on the inside, little miracles are happening.  The broken pieces are being put back together again.  It takes time, because when the job is completed, and you are healed - there's going to be a whole new you -  stronger, more confident, and  happier.

 

If was where you are right now, I would give you a big ol' hug, look you in the eyes and say to you: mama, " You're gonna' be okay, your gonna' get your life back, your gonna' be happy again."  " Now, lets see that big ol' smile?"

 

pj

[[Be...]]

Thanks pj.....that was a tear jerker. I just hope i am within the average and i dont take even longer. I actually only have morning terror, depression and fear left.

 

Thanks so much!

Hugs

[[...]]

I was at a picnic today where lots of little kids and their parents were playfully laughing and chasing each other.

 

It made me think about all the Moms, who because of withdrawals, are temporarily unable to laugh and play with their kids the way they want to,

so when I got home, I wrote a poem, with a kid's perspective regarding his mom and her withdrawals.

 

You Mom and Dads are really special.  Raising kids when you're having withdrawals ... It Ain't Easy!

 

      I Understand

 

Mom, you tried to laugh today,

but you could only cry.

I'm just a little kid,

but, mom, I understand the reason why.

 

You are feeling bad

cause you cannot play with me.

Don't worry, Mom; I understand.

You will get better- just you wait and see.

 

I understand why it makes you sad

when you can't move very fast,

cause your legs are stiffer than a robots.

Don't worry- it won't last. 

 

I'm smarter than you think I am.

I understand lots of stuff.

I know when I have to be tender,

and I know when I have to be tough.

 

You don't have to be perfect

like a Super Mom.

I will always love you;

even if you dress like a bum.

 

Because Mom, I know

when you are all better;

you will make me feel more important

than a special delivery letter.

[[fl...]]

PJ,

 

Dear, sweet pj.  You've brought a tear to my eye yet again.  You are so wise, dear soul.  Infinitely wise.  May you be blessed all the days of your life.

[[pa...]]

Oh dear PJ, how beautifully written.. Thank You!  As always, you extend such beauty in words to one and all on this site, and uplift each and everyone.  Know you are in my thoughts so very often...  With all blessings to you always, Patty

[[...]]

PJ,

 

Dear, sweet pj.  You've brought a tear to my eye yet again.  You are so wise, dear soul.  Infinitely wise.  May you be blessed all the days of your life.

 

 

Hi floc,

 

It's nice to hear from you again.

 

I don't profess to being all that wise, but thank you for thinking that I am.

 

My heart goes out to you, and to all the other Mothers who are courageously taking care of their kids, while they, themselves, are struggling with those wicked withdrawals.  I cannot imagine a more daunting task than taking care of kids while dealing with withdrawals.

 

As you know, curiosity and kids go together like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

 

If that curiosity, that is so much a part of their being kicks in, and they ask you about withdrawals, and they are old enough to understand, just say to them that the doctor gave you some medicine that was supposed to help you, but instead it hurt you. 

I would assure them that the doctor did not do it on purpose.  I would tell them that doctors, just like everybody else, can sometimes make mistakes, too. 

But we must still trust them, because when we get sick they can make us well again.

I would explain to them that there are good drugs and there are bad drugs. 

 

Kids yearn for truth, and honesty. 

 

Kids are like sponges with ears.  They soak up every word spoken to them.  They indiscriminately retain what interests them, and what does not - they toss aside like yesterday's meat loaf.

 

Moms, because of all the havoc those withdrawals are having on your life,  please do not feel that you are neglecting your kids.  You may not be able to be the so called 'Perfect Mom', but that's okay.  Kids don't want a 'Perfect Mom'. They want a Mom that can make messes and mistakes just like they do.

 

Little kids, in all their unbridled innocence. can be very forgiving, and understanding. 

 

It doesn't take a boatload of stuff to make them happy.  A full tummy, some colorful sneakers, lots of hugs, and a popsicle on a hot summer afternoon, along with a goodly amount of love and understanding from a Mom who loves them unconditionally, will indeed make them a happy camper. 

 

Take good care of yourself, floc.  In your kid's eyes, you represent all that is good in their world.  You are their  everything.

 

pj

[[...]]

Oh dear PJ, how beautifully written.. Thank You!  As always, you extend such beauty in words to one and all on this site, and uplift each and everyone.  Know you are in my thoughts so very often...  With all blessings to you always, Patty

 

Hi pattylu

 

You are so kind.  It sounds like the drought situation is getting quite serious in many parts of California.  Are you affected by it? 

 

I've never been to California - it's a beautiful state but I think it's a little too crowded for me.  A population of thirty-seven million - that's a lot of folks. 

 

Take care.

 

pj

[[fl...]]

Thanks again, pj.  Your compassionate, insightful advice is what I needed today.

[[...]]

Thanks again, pj.  Your compassionate, insightful advice is what I needed today.

 

You're welcome

[[...]]

Hi prettydaisys

 

The last post I read from you, you mentioned that you were going through a terrible wave.  Are you feeling any better?  I hope so.  You've already had to endure more pain and uncertainty in the last few months than most folks experience in a lifetime.

 

I'm not an overly religious person, but I find this Native American Indian Healing Prayer, in it's simplicity, very comforting.  Perhaps you will, too.

 

pj

 

 

May the sun bring you

new energy by day.

May the moon softly restore

you by night.

May the rain wash away your

worries and sorrows.

May the breeze blow new

strength into your being.

May you walk gently

through the world and

know it's beauty

all the days of your life.

[[pi...]]

 

 

May the sun bring you

new energy by day.

May the moon softly restore

you by night.

May the rain wash away your

worries and sorrows.

May the breeze blow new

strength into your being.

May you walk gently

through the world and

know it's beauty

all the days of your life.

 

Beautiful pj, I want to read this every day. 

[[...]]

Good morning pianogirl

 

Whenever I gaze upon that gentle prayer, I am, for a brief moment, spiritually

transported back to a different time and a different place when scores of

Native American tribes such as the Sioux and the Ojibwa roamed the plains and

the prairies in total harmony with their protector - Mother Earth. 

 

I am quickly shocked back into reality again when I recall the last time when

I was dodging herds of cars that were racing - and texting - at breakneck speed

down the grassless highways, that many, many years ago,

were most likely the trails where the

fiercely proud Indians dodged the stampeding Buffalo.   

 

I'm glad you like the prayer as much as I do.

[[...]]

Pj, from a new sufferer, thanks for your initial post. When I'm really low ( like today), it helps to read the success stories . We need to keep reading that there are better  days ahead... So beautifully written . And what a wonderful person, to still stay in touch with others and continue to inspire and encourage .......

[[...]]

Thank you DLW,

 

I'm sorry you were feeling low today.

 

You most likely have discovered that all the folks on this site are some of the kindest, and the most understanding people that you will ever meet.  The Administrators and the Moderators are truly amazing.  And they are all volunteers.

 

There were a couple of times when I regretfully announced that I was going to leave this site because I was getting quite busy in my personal life.  Many kind folks, who I had gotten to know and respect, responded so graciously with their heartfelt words, wishing me well -  for which I am eternally grateful.

 

Just about when I had resigned myself to the fact that I would no longer be on this site, new members would send me a post, seeking reassurance and encouragement that they were going to survive their withdrawal experience. 

 

I had to answer them.  I needed to answer them.  Two years ago, I was who they are - someone looking for reassurance and encouragement.

 

I realized that giving a few minutes of my time, no matter how busy I had become, was no sacrifice at all, compared to what a person in withdrawals must sacrifice twenty-four hours a day, because of all the suffering they have to endure. 

When I was in tolerance and or inter-dose withdrawals, I will never forget what torture it was to not know what was happening to me.  I would have given anything to have someone to talk to me who understood that benzo withdrawals were real.  That was before I discovered this unique site.

 

By accepting your withdrawals for what they are - a temporary disruption in your life - you will find the experience more palatable by being patient - by keeping yourself distracted, and by always believing that you are going to heal, because you will recover, and you will get your life back. 

 

It will be a happier and a more peaceful life for you, because surviving benzo withdrawals tends to change us in so many positive ways.   

 

I sincerely wish you the very best.

 

pj

[[pr...]]

Hi prettydaisys

 

The last post I read from you, you mentioned that you were going through a terrible wave.  Are you feeling any better?  I hope so.  You've already had to endure more pain and uncertainty in the last few months than most folks experience in a lifetime.

 

I'm not an overly religious person, but I find this Native American Indian Healing Prayer, in it's simplicity, very comforting.  Perhaps you will, too.

 

pj

 

 

May the sun bring you

new energy by day.

May the moon softly restore

you by night.

May the rain wash away your

worries and sorrows.

May the breeze blow new

strength into your being.

May you walk gently

through the world and

know it's beauty

all the days of your life.

 

hi pj,

 

yes, i've been in one long wave for 24 months now. with very few partial windows and relief. i had relief last night and all day today but back to the brain squeezing waves. maybe it will let up again tonight. i'm still here crawling back from this and no closer to sitting at the piano where i'd like to be.

 

i love that Native American poem and i actually studied some the Native American Spiritual Laws for a time when i was doing sweat lodges quite frequently. it's such a beautiful tribe and there is so much to it. the fact that there is so much to learn kinda made me a little anxious but i would like to still continue learning about it.

 

thank you for thinking of me and i hope you're doing very well.

 

love, pretty

[[Ga...]]

Dear sweet PJ

You are so very special and it brings tears of joy to my eyes to read that you feel that you cannot leave us just yet.  We all need your support and compassion and your ability to make us both laugh and cry.  Your poems are so understanding.  To think you want to give back what you received is so inspiring and I pray that I will be able to do the same some day, if I ever heal.  Loved what you said that withdrawal is temporary and healing is permanent.  Love your descriptions of your natural world around you and all the small blessings you get from it.  Thank you again.  You are the best and our angel of hope.

Galea

[[pa...]]

Oh dear PJ, how beautifully written.. Thank You!  As always, you extend such beauty in words to one and all on this site, and uplift each and everyone.  Know you are in my thoughts so very often...  With all blessings to you always, Patty

 

Hi pattylu

 

You are so kind.  It sounds like the drought situation is getting quite serious in many parts of California.  Are you affected by it? 

 

I've never been to California - it's a beautiful state but I think it's a little too crowded for me.  A population of thirty-seven million - that's a lot of folks. 

 

Take care.

 

pj

 

Hello PJ 

 

The drought situation is a very, very major problem in California.  Yes, we have been affected.  Though, we've been really good since January.  We cut back our water usage more then 50% each and every month to date.  I'm a native Californian, and I have never seen it this extremely bad.  Even with all the unusual monsoonal weather we have been sent from Arizona - New Mexico, we didn't get more then a few "drops" of rain.

 

California is a beautiful state, although, to me that is up in the Sierras or any of the mountain ranges, were one meets nature in her own home of beauty.  Forget these metropolitan areas, they are way over crowded.  I'm ready to move to the country and get that snazzy little horse for myself.  ;D  Life is too short for all this "noise"!!

 

Take good care.  Love reading always what you write.  You're a wonderful strength to so many with your beautiful messages.

My best always to you PJ.

 

Patty

[[...]]

Dear sweet PJ

You are so very special and it brings tears of joy to my eyes to read that you feel that you cannot leave us just yet.  We all need your support and compassion and your ability to make us both laugh and cry.  Your poems are so understanding.  To think you want to give back what you received is so inspiring and I pray that I will be able to do the same some day, if I ever heal.  Loved what you said that withdrawal is temporary and healing is permanent.  Love your descriptions of your natural world around you and all the small blessings you get from it.  Thank you again.  You are the best and our angel of hope.

Galea

 

Galea,

 

I can't leave until you have healed and posted your success story.  So if you get tired of me hangin' around here, all you have to do is hurry and get healed, and post your success story - a signal for me to hightail it outta' here .

 

Love ya,

 

pj

[[...]]

Hi prettydaisys

 

The last post I read from you, you mentioned that you were going through a terrible wave.  Are you feeling any better?  I hope so.  You've already had to endure more pain and uncertainty in the last few months than most folks experience in a lifetime.

 

I'm not an overly religious person, but I find this Native American Indian Healing Prayer, in it's simplicity, very comforting.  Perhaps you will, too.

 

pj

 

 

May the sun bring you

new energy by day.

May the moon softly restore

you by night.

May the rain wash away your

worries and sorrows.

May the breeze blow new

strength into your being.

May you walk gently

through the world and

know it's beauty

all the days of your life.

 

hi pj,

 

yes, i've been in one long wave for 24 months now. with very few partial windows and relief. i had relief last night and all day today but back to the brain squeezing waves. maybe it will let up again tonight. i'm still here crawling back from this and no closer to sitting at the piano where i'd like to be.

 

i love that Native American poem and i actually studied some the Native American Spiritual Laws for a time when i was doing sweat lodges quite frequently. it's such a beautiful tribe and there is so much to it. the fact that there is so much to learn kinda made me a little anxious but i would like to still continue learning about it.

 

thank you for thinking of me and i hope you're doing very well.

 

love, pretty

 

Hi prettydaisys

 

The 'brain squeezing' must be causing you a great amount of stress, and It must be very painful and disconcerting for you.  I'm sorry that this is happening to you. 

 

I see you were taking several different drugs, some for a very long time.  You also went cold turkey off of some of those drugs. You're a very intelligent woman - so it's probably no surprise to you that as a direct result of taking those drugs, your brain was becoming as confused as a mosquito in a mannequin factory.

 

The brain is a marvelous organ with the ability to repair itself.  Your brain is working as hard as it can - every second, every minute, and every hour of the day to repair itself.  Now that you are no longer taking any drugs, except for the Suboxone, 

you have made your brain's job of repairing itself so much easier, because it no longer has to defend itself from or compete with, all the other drugs that were causing it to be in a constant stage of confusion and disarray.   

 

I applaud your being off those drugs.  It proves what a courageous, strong-willed woman you are.  I don't know how or why you started taking those drugs.  I don't want to know.  All that matters is you stopped using those drugs, and now you are on the road to a complete and lasting recovery.   

 

It's going to take an inordinate amount time for your brain to get back in sync with your Central Nervous System.  Once they are on the same 'page' again, the signals they send to each other will be more precise and more coherent -  quickening the pace of your healing.     

I REALLY don't know what I'm talking about when it comes to all that brain stuff, except that they kinda' resemble a Morel Mushroom.  I guess in my own way, all I am saying is that you are going to recover. 

 

I've always admired the American Indians for their culture of being one with nature.  If more people could be like that, perhaps all the anxiety and all the stress and the depression that are a part of our modern, fast-paced society  would be much less.

 

I think if folks were afforded the opportunity to take a long walk every day beneath the soothing rays of the sunshine - it's healing powers will awaken their tired spirit, filling their heart with much peace and tranquility. 

 

You are lovely and talented - a very creative woman, who's beautiful music can make the songbirds blush with envy.

 

pj 

[[...]]

Oh dear PJ, how beautifully written.. Thank You!  As always, you extend such beauty in words to one and all on this site, and uplift each and everyone.  Know you are in my thoughts so very often...  With all blessings to you always, Patty

 

Hi pattylu

 

You are so kind.  It sounds like the drought situation is getting quite serious in many parts of California.  Are you affected by it? 

 

I've never been to California - it's a beautiful state but I think it's a little too crowded for me.  A population of thirty-seven million - that's a lot of folks. 

 

Take care.

 

pj

 

Hello PJ 

 

The drought situation is a very, very major problem in California.  Yes, we have been affected.  Though, we've been really good since January.  We cut back our water usage more then 50% each and every month to date.  I'm a native Californian, and I have never seen it this extremely bad.  Even with all the unusual monsoonal weather we have been sent from Arizona - New Mexico, we didn't get more then a few "drops" of rain.

 

California is a beautiful state, although, to me that is up in the Sierras or any of the mountain ranges, were one meets nature in her own home of beauty.  Forget these metropolitan areas, they are way over crowded.  I'm ready to move to the country and get that snazzy little horse for myself.  ;D  Life is too short for all this "noise"!!

 

Take good care.  Love reading always what you write.  You're a wonderful strength to so many with your beautiful messages.

My best always to you PJ.

 

Patty

 

Hey patty,

 

Wow! you're really having a disastrous drought.  I sure hope you get some rain soon.  It's gotta' be a tough situation for all you folks.

 

By all means, move to the country and get yourself a little Quarter Horse.  They're easy to train, and they are very sure- footed.

 

You take care, too

 

pj

 

[[pr...]]

Hi prettydaisys

 

The last post I read from you, you mentioned that you were going through a terrible wave.  Are you feeling any better?  I hope so.  You've already had to endure more pain and uncertainty in the last few months than most folks experience in a lifetime.

 

I'm not an overly religious person, but I find this Native American Indian Healing Prayer, in it's simplicity, very comforting.  Perhaps you will, too.

 

pj

 

 

May the sun bring you

new energy by day.

May the moon softly restore

you by night.

May the rain wash away your

worries and sorrows.

May the breeze blow new

strength into your being.

May you walk gently

through the world and

know it's beauty

all the days of your life.

 

hi pj,

 

yes, i've been in one long wave for 24 months now. with very few partial windows and relief. i had relief last night and all day today but back to the brain squeezing waves. maybe it will let up again tonight. i'm still here crawling back from this and no closer to sitting at the piano where i'd like to be.

 

i love that Native American poem and i actually studied some the Native American Spiritual Laws for a time when i was doing sweat lodges quite frequently. it's such a beautiful tribe and there is so much to it. the fact that there is so much to learn kinda made me a little anxious but i would like to still continue learning about it.

 

thank you for thinking of me and i hope you're doing very well.

 

love, pretty

 

Hi prettydaisys

 

The 'brain squeezing' must be causing you a great amount of stress, and It must be very painful and disconcerting for you.  I'm sorry that this is happening to you. 

 

I see you were taking several different drugs, some for a very long time.  You also went cold turkey off of some of those drugs. You're a very intelligent woman - so it's probably no surprise to you that as a direct result of taking those drugs, your brain was becoming as confused as a mosquito in a mannequin factory.

 

The brain is a marvelous organ with the ability to repair itself.  Your brain is working as hard as it can - every second, every minute, and every hour of the day to repair itself.  Now that you are no longer taking any drugs, except for the Suboxone, 

you have made your brain's job of repairing itself so much easier, because it no longer has to defend itself from or compete with, all the other drugs that were causing it to be in a constant stage of confusion and disarray.   

 

I applaud your being off those drugs.  It proves what a courageous, strong-willed woman you are.  I don't know how or why you started taking those drugs.  I don't want to know.  All that matters is you stopped using those drugs, and now you are on the road to a complete and lasting recovery.   

 

It's going to take an inordinate amount time for your brain to get back in sync with your Central Nervous System.  Once they are on the same 'page' again, the signals they send to each other will be more precise and more coherent -  quickening the pace of your healing.     

I REALLY don't know what I'm talking about when it comes to all that brain stuff, except that they kinda' resemble a Morel Mushroom.  I guess in my own way, all I am saying is that you are going to recover. 

 

I've always admired the American Indians for their culture of being one with nature.  If more people could be like that, perhaps all the anxiety and all the stress and the depression that are a part of our modern, fast-paced society  would be much less.

 

I think if folks were afforded the opportunity to take a long walk every day beneath the soothing rays of the sunshine - it's healing powers will awaken their tired spirit, filling their heart with much peace and tranquility. 

 

You are lovely and talented - a very creative woman, who's beautiful music can make the songbirds blush with envy.

 

pj

 

 

thank you so much pj!

 

yes the brain squeeze's are very painful and disconcerting. especially since they're all the time and every waking hour and also when i sleep. and when i am in a bad wave and they squeeze down really hard and then also have this vibration that runs through it -- i can sink into a bad derealization and cannot convince myself that the doctor in the detox put something in my brain to make it do this.

 

i do not have that thought when i am in a partial window or with relief. i have yet to have a full on open wide window so i call it partial window or some relief.

 

the last 2 days i am noticing the brain symptoms just a tiny bit less but still on- going. i got into the thought that 'my brain could possibly do this forever' and that scared me to pieces. then i traded that thought with 'by this time next year it will be much less and hopefully not even noticeable'.

 

and i have been tapering from the suboxone this whole time extra slow. so slow that i haven't even had any opiate withdrawal and i'm down to 0.5mg which is almost nothing. there have been people who tell me that it could be the reason i am not better yet which is simply untrue. i absolutely know for a fact that all of what i am experiencing is all from the benzo withdrawal. and opiates actually combat the excess glutamate so it was a good thing that i didn't c/t from the suboxone like i had once before. i was a complete zombie in 2006 in a detox when i did both suboxone and benzo's. i could not walk. i was severely damaged. now i just feel really damaged

 

i know my brain is trying it's best to heal -- sometimes i can tell, somtimes it's pure misery and torture.

 

and yes everything about the American Indian culture is beautiful and fascinating with the sweat loges, purification and sage, the four directions and Great Spirit. i hope to re-visit it one day and do some more sweat lodges. i felt present moment awareness so strongely when we all prayed and sweated together. i use to do them with an AA sponser i worked with for many years.

 

thanks for being on here and checking in on us!

 

pretty

[[...]]

prettydaisys,

 

Nothing stays the same forever, and that includes the strange sensations that are happening in your brain. 

 

Sometime next year, your life that has been held captive for such a long time by those dastardly withdrawals - is going to change.  You will be healed.  No more worrying about windows or waves or squeezing brains.

 

The only squeezing will be the squeezing of lemons when you make yourself an ice-cold glass of lemonade to host the new you.

 

You will emerge from the darkness, the woman that you were meant to be.  You were not created to be like a Caterpillar, chained to the ground - crawling your way through life - you were made to touch the sky - to fly free - like a Butterfly.

 

My coffee break is over, back to work I go.

 

pj   

 

[[Mo...]]

PJ, such a lovely post for pretty,

i just came by to say hello again, you are one special person, ever so kind.

[[...]]

Thank you, sweet lady.  You are pretty special yourself.