An experience like no other

[[pr...]]

prettydaisys,

 

Nothing stays the same forever, and that includes the strange sensations that are happening in your brain. 

 

Sometime next year, your life that has been held captive for such a long time by those dastardly withdrawals - is going to change.  You will be healed.  No more worrying about windows or waves or squeezing brains.

 

The only squeezing will be the squeezing of lemons when you make yourself an ice-cold glass of lemonade to host the new you.

 

You will emerge from the darkness, the woman that you were meant to be.  You were not created to be like a Caterpillar, chained to the ground - crawling your way through life - you were made to touch the sky - to fly free - like a Butterfly.

 

My coffee break is over, back to work I go.

 

pj 

 

 

 

i hope work is good!

[[...]]

Thank you, pretty. My work is good; I love it!  Confucius say: "Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life."

 

PJ say:  "Confucius very wise guy"

 

I hope you have a nice day today, and an even better one tomorrow

 

 

[[pr...]]

Thank you, pretty. My work is good; I love it!  Confucius say: "Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life."

 

PJ say:  "Confucius very wise guy"

 

I hope you have a nice day today, and an even better one tomorrow

 

they say Confucius does his crossword with a pen.

[[...]]

Good one! Miss Prettydaisys

 

Confucius so smart he doesn't need pencil with eraser.  He writes correct answer first time.

 

[[...]]

I stayed up late last night with the Owls.  I didn't feel like reading, so I went to the keyboard, and started typing.

 

There are some folks who want to sue their doctor for prescribing them Benzodiazepines.  You cannot blame them for wanting to sue, because they have gotten hurt really badly from the benzos - mentally, physically, and monetarily. 

 

The sad fact is; they'd have a much better chance of coming out a winner if they played the lottery.     

There is a remote chance that a Class Action Lawsuit could possibly prevail, but highly unlikely. 

If the lawyers for the plaintiffs are daring enough to mount a Class Action suit, against the defendants ( the doctors, the manufactures, and the distributors of Benzodiazepines)  they'd better do their homework.

 

The Pharmaceutical folks have pockets that are deeper than the Grand Canyon. 

 

They can afford to recruit the brightest students, who are about to graduate from some of the most prestigious law schools from here, and abroad, thus assuring they will always have a stable of maturing lawyers to confront any litigation that comes their way.   

 

Those lawyers would be drooling like 'UGA' - The University of Georgia's Bulldog Mascot - to have a chance to defend their clients against accusations that are basically not very provable, at least according to the Pharmaceutical industry - and they have the bucks to defend that position.

 

Big Tobacco used to be invincible, but look at them now.  They continue to be sued every day, and they are losing many of those lawsuits.  So, maybe the day will come when the Pharmaceutical giants and the FDA will have to admit that Benzodiazepines are indeed more harmful to the folks who took them than the folks were led to believe. 

 

In a court of law - given the medical community's current stance on Benzos, it would be much easier for attorneys to prove the beneficial properties of Benzodiazepines ( there are many, and in certain circumstances, they can save someone's life )  than it would be to prove any harmful properties

 

Thousand of folks experience withdrawals from Benzodiazepines, that's true, but how many more thousands are there who do not experience any withdrawals?  or if they do, they appear to be quite minor, and not very long lasting.   

We here, at BenzoBuddies, just happen to be the unfortunate ones, because we are not the norm.  We are extremely sensitive to benzos.  We must be.  What other explanation is there for the way our lives have been so negatively impacted because of benzo withdrawals?

 

We can hope that doctors begin to realize that a certain segment of the population is extremely sensitive to drugs like Benzodiazepines. 

 

We can hope that they be more cautious when prescribing that class of drugs.

 

We can hope that when a patient complains of having withdrawals, their doctor  listens to them, and does not callously dismiss them as a nut case.

 

We can hope, and hope until the cows come home that doctor's attitudes begin to change towards Benzodiazepines and towards the people who have been negatively impacted by them.  Will their attitude  change?  They will if they are educated, one at a time by the folks who have experienced those horrible withdrawals.

 

I wrote my doctor quite a lengthy letter describing to her in detail, my rather long and painful battle to overcome the damage that benzos had done to me. 

 

I wasn't mean or nasty or angry to her.  It took awhile, but she wrote back to me, and apologized.   

 

We can hope that she has since schooled herself about the possibility that some folks are ultra sensitive to Benzodiazepines and for them, withdrawals are real.

 

We can hope that the next time she prescribes a benzo for one of her patients, she explains to them 'everything' they need to know regarding the starting and the stopping of a such a powerful drug.

 

Because of our extreme sensitivity to benzos, I don't think any of us will ever take another one.  If we are hit with a bout of insomnia or anxiety again, we will find a much safer way to deal with it; such as meditation, lifestyle changes or dietary changes.

 

All you folks who are still waiting to heal - try real hard to forget how evil you think benzos are or how your doctor may have mistreated you.  Turn that anger into a force for good, and direct it towards your healing.  Being angry poisons the heart, taking away your ability to forgive.  Without forgiveness, there is no healing.

 

To forgive someone doesn't mean that you must deny their responsibility for hurting you, and it certainly does not justify what they did to you.  You can forgive someone without excusing what they did to you.  Forgiving someone will help you to move on in life, and fill your heart with a peaceful, tranquil kind of a feeling. 

 

I wish you all a swift and peaceful journey as you travel on down the road to a complete and lasting recovery.

 

pj 

 

 

 

 

 

[[Mo...]]

Thank you PJ, wise words.

They say time is the healer , not only from Benzo-damage but also

for being able to forgive. i am not there yet, quite far away from it,

but i shall keep your words in my head, and may be the day will come when i can

think back, and say PJ was right, one must let loose.

say hello to the 'owls' for me, i am glad they kept you up.

[[pr...]]

pj,

 

just a little of my benzo history. when i first started benzo's, it was a periodic thing but i would get a prescription of say about 30 valium in the 5 mg tabs and they would be gone in 3 days. that's how i took benzos for quite awhile until my habit and addiction really took over when i had to write my own prescriptions everyday because i needed so many. now, i don't know how i stayed alive but for about 5 years - give or take - i would take 30 tabs of 5 mg valium, 20 tabs of 1 mg klonopin and 30 regular strength vicodin. to me, that's quite a bit and i actually had to write 3 prescription daily to get that dose into my system.

 

i know prettydaisys wouldn't even think about doing something like that now.    i am pure an innocent but had a bad addiction. and finally got busted for it. skipped out on jail for 3 years because i had a nice and caring judge and went into a sober living house instead and somehow after a seizure of getting off that amount i became clean and sober. i was completely benzo and opiate free. i think i felt mostly healed after the 2 year mark. that's when i embarked on a music career.

 

so 7 years past and all of a sudden i had really bizarre and strange neurological sensations that were very scary. that's when i was diagnosed with MS. that's when i went back on the klonopin thinking i could control it this time. i was wrong. i was up to between 12-22mg klonopin for a few years and lot's of opiates, cough syrup and other drugs and soma. bad - bad - bad again. 

 

my question to you is since you said that some of us are sensitive to benzo's. do you think i was sensitive to benzo's? the amounts i took were pretty extraordinary. i would say i actually do have a pretty strong and sturdy brain. i've taken large large amounts of both benzo's and opiates and only had one seizure. Baylissa (Bliss Johns) confided to me that she had about 8 or 9 seizures during her withdrawal.

 

anyway, just wondering about the statement of being sensitive to benzo's? and wondering if i did have a sensitivity or a full on major addiction? when i think about all that i've done, i still am so utterly shocked that i am even still alive. no wonder my brain is still bouncing around in there after 24 months

 

so, that's about it. just wanted to share with you -- and get a notion to what the "sensitivty to benzo's" is about?

 

love, prettydaisys

[[...]]

Thank you PJ, wise words.

They say time is the healer , not only from Benzo-damage but also

for being able to forgive. i am not there yet, quite far away from it,

but i shall keep your words in my head, and may be the day will come when i can

think back, and say PJ was right, one must let loose.

say hello to the 'owls' for me, i am glad they kept you up.

 

I said hello to the owls, and they said hello back to me, and asked:  "WHO was that pretty lady who responded to your post?" 

 

I agreed with those big ol' hoot owls.  You are indeed a pretty lady, and very nice to boot. 

 

Thank you for your candid  response.

[[...]]

pj,

 

just a little of my benzo history. when i first started benzo's, it was a periodic thing but i would get a prescription of say about 30 valium in the 5 mg tabs and they would be gone in 3 days. that's how i took benzos for quite awhile until my habit and addiction really took over when i had to write my own prescriptions everyday because i needed so many. now, i don't know how i stayed alive but for about 5 years - give or take - i would take 30 tabs of 5 mg valium, 20 tabs of 1 mg klonopin and 30 regular strength vicodin. to me, that's quite a bit and i actually had to write 3 prescription daily to get that dose into my system.

 

i know prettydaisys wouldn't even think about doing something like that now.    i am pure an innocent but had a bad addiction. and finally got busted for it. skipped out on jail for 3 years because i had a nice and caring judge and went into a sober living house instead and somehow after a seizure of getting off that amount i became clean and sober. i was completely benzo and opiate free. i think i felt mostly healed after the 2 year mark. that's when i embarked on a music career.

 

so 7 years past and all of a sudden i had really bizarre and strange neurological sensations that were very scary. that's when i was diagnosed with MS. that's when i went back on the klonopin thinking i could control it this time. i was wrong. i was up to between 12-22mg klonopin for a few years and lot's of opiates, cough syrup and other drugs and soma. bad - bad - bad again. 

 

my question to you is since you said that some of us are sensitive to benzo's. do you think i was sensitive to benzo's? the amounts i took were pretty extraordinary. i would say i actually do have a pretty strong and sturdy brain. i've taken large large amounts of both benzo's and opiates and only had one seizure. Baylissa (Bliss Johns) confided to me that she had about 8 or 9 seizures during her withdrawal.

 

anyway, just wondering about the statement of being sensitive to benzo's? and wondering if i did have a sensitivity or a full on major addiction? when i think about all that i've done, i still am so utterly shocked that i am even still alive. no wonder my brain is still bouncing around in there after 24 months

 

so, that's about it. just wanted to share with you -- and get a notion to what the "sensitivty to benzo's" is about?

 

love, prettydaisys

 

Hi prettydaisys,

 

I appreciate your candid honesty.

 

What I was referring to, were the folks who took low to average doses of benzos for a relatively short time, and yet they suffered as much or more than folks who took larger doses for a longer period of time.

 

Yes, dear lady, you are doggone lucky to be alive.  And no, I do not think you are sensitive to benzos.  Any one who took as many drugs as you did, at such high doses, if anything, you have a higher than average tolerance for benzos and opiates.

 

If I took as many drugs as you did, my brain would be shaking and pounding like a jackhammer, and I most definitely would be buried beneath the old oak tree.

 

What's done is done.  You have to forget about what happened in the past.  You are a different person now.  You have to let yourself be healed - then you have to secure for yourself, a lifestyle - in a drug-free environment where you can respect, and be at peace with who you are.   

 

We are all given that one precious life, and the free will to do with it as we please.  Life is hard; it's fraught with temptations and misconceptions.  Sometimes we are pulled in so many different directions, that we feel like we are going to break into little pieces. 

When that happens, we have to reach way down to the core of our being, and gather up all the strength and courage that is within us and turn to our inner-self for guidance.

 

I'm starting to sound like an Evangelist on late night radio - sorry about that. It's just that I love people, and I want the best for them.  You take good care of yourself - you have many roads to travel.

 

Talk to you again sometime.

 

pj       

[[...]]

prettydaisys,

 

I went back and read my response to you.  I'm really sorry if I came across as being unfeeling and flippant.

 

You've suffered a lot, and you still are.  To get off those drugs was a monumental achievement for you, something you can be very proud of.  I'm sure it was the hardest thing you ever had to do.

 

Because I care what happens to you, without realizing it, I was preaching 'tough love' to you.

 

I had no business to do so, because I do not know you or your situation well enough.  I am indeed sorry if I offended you or made you feel bad.  I think you have read enough of my posts to know that I would never purposely offend any one.

 

pj

 

       

[[pr...]]

prettydaisys,

 

I went back and read my response to you.  I'm really sorry if I came across as being unfeeling and flippant.

 

You've suffered a lot, and you still are.  To get off those drugs was a monumental achievement for you, something you can be very proud of.  I'm sure it was the hardest thing you ever had to do.

 

Because I care what happens to you, without realizing it, I was preaching 'tough love' to you.

 

I had no business to do so, because I do not know you or your situation well enough.  I am indeed sorry if I offended you or made you feel bad.  I think you have read enough of my posts to know that I would never purposely offend any one.

 

pj

 

     

 

pj,

 

no no no no! you did not offend me at all. now other people on here i can easily become offended   anyway, i kid. but you didn't at all. and i was even skeptical of writing all of my history to you on your blog. i don't want you or anyone else to think that i am bragging about the large dose's or benzos and opiates i've been on -- because i'm not, it's just my story and sometimes i want to share it with another person on here. i usually write about my story on my blog when it comes up for me.

 

and sometimes it comes up for me and i think about all that i went through and i'm just plain shocked. and it was the hardest thing i ever had to go through this last cold turkey. i really think it would be best for me to write my story in a book form at some point. just to get it out of me and share it with other's because when i think about it, there really isn't any reason i should be alive from this and i ask myself that everyday "how am i still alive?"

 

anyway, the brain squeeze's are still with me and that is the one thing i'm very worried about. that it will be like this forever. but i have heard of people who believed that a symptom would never ever go away and then one day it did, so i'm hoping that is the case.

 

When that happens, we have to reach way down to the core of our being, and gather up all the strength and courage that is within us and turn to our inner-self for guidance.

 

and i've been reaching down to that core of my being every single moment with dealing with all these symptoms. i am a prime candidate for suicide attempt and even my mother mentioned to me today that she noticed that i don't get depressed.

 

and i don't get depressed. i do become sad and have a lot of regrets.

 

i just heard about Robin Williams and i am deeply shocked and deeply sadden by this. and of course i think what could have possibly gone through is mind if indeed it was a suicide? and i had heard he had just did another stint in rehab so of course wondering if they gave him any benzo's that may have spurred his death? i think about stuff like this -- of course it just occured so i really don't know what to think? but again, it makes me feel grateful and shocked that i am still alive after everything i've been through with these damn drugs.

 

and no, you did not offend me. i don't think you could.

 

love, pretty

[[...]]

prettydaisys,

 

I appreciate your graciousness, and I admire you for your victories. 

 

You know, for us humans, that thing we call life - it ain't easy.  To be still standing at the end of the day with a smile on our face and a song in our heart is a reason to celebrate. 

 

When you have healed you will be in charge of your life again.  All aspects of your life will be orchestrated by you.  Your life, if you let it, can be sweeter than Beethoven's Symphony No. 7. 

 

pj

 

 

 

 

[[Co...]]

Hi pj-

 

I really appreciate your responses within your thread! I enjoyed the native Indian post as well as your poem to parents. These really meant a lot to me and I've reread them numerous times throughout the days as I feel I'm letting my little ones down not being 100% engaged sometimes.

 

I was also really impressed with your story; for one I struggle in the sleep department and am curious how you kept the faith and persevered thru 30days of basically non sleep? What did you do during those lonely nocturnal hours? How did you face each sunset with a confident positive outlook that you would sleep eventually? These are some of my internal questions I have yet to answer myself. Somedays I feel really confident and positive and have a low night- then I'll have an anxious night, but will get 5-7hrs. Makes no sense to me so I would really appreciate your thoughts on how you managed thru your w/d.

 

Thanks again for posting and I hope you stick around a bit longer because you are a lighthouse in the sea of w/d darkness!

[[...]]

Hi CoAco,

 

Thank you.  You are very kind.

 

How did I cope with my not sleeping?  By not going to bed.  I knew I wouldn't sleep, so instead of tossing and turning all night long in my bed, I spent most nights in my recliner with the television on, the volume turned down real low.  I would watch old black and white movies that were showing on the TCM channel.  Colored movies would have been much too bright, and much too stimulating for my already over stimulated mind to handle.

 

As strange as it seems to say it now, at that time, all those great actors from the forties and fifties became my friends, not because I was delusional, but because they kept me company all night long, making me feel like I was not going through withdrawals all alone. 

 

Watching those old movies helped to ease my anxiety over not sleeping.  When morning came, I would just say to myself:  "I didn't sleep last night, maybe tonight I will."

 

On those nights when sleep eludes you, and you have access to some of those wonderful old black and white movies.  You can watch them by yourself or you can take one of your little kids, wrap yourselves up in a light blanket, and cuddle together in a comfortable chair.   

 

Bonding with your child who is sleeping next to you, the muted voices on the TV, and the stillness of the night, may comfort you enough so that you could possibly fall asleep. 

 

The worst thing you can do is to go to bed, and just lie there, tossing and turning.  Believe me, I did that a few times, and as you probably already know through experience; it's torture.

 

Your sleep will come back, not magically all at once, but it will come back in stages.  Your brain is working overtime to repair the part that regulates sleep.  Try not to obsess about not sleeping, it just makes it worse.  It's got to be so hard for you, raising two little kids on very little sleep.  I hope your sleep returns real soon, I really do.

 

One night when I was sitting in my chair, and for the first time in many weeks, I started yawning - I knew that I was about to witness a miracle, and I did.  I slept that night, not perfectly, and not all that long, but I slept.

 

Until your sleep cycle straightens out, you can expect sporadic sleep.  Some nights only an hour or two, some nights three or four, maybe five, other nights, nothing.  There is no rhyme or reason to it.  It's maddening, I know, but eventually you will sleep like a newborn baby.

 

You will dream happy dreams again.  No more nightmares.  Your mind will be as free as dandelion seeds floating in the wind. 

 

Take good care of yourself.  I know you're taking good care of your kids.  As long as you can give your kids a peanut butter sandwich, or a bowl of mac and cheese topped off with a big hug and a kiss, you're not neglecting them.  Kids are so resilient and so forgiving.  They will not even remember that you were not able to inter-act with them as much as you wanted to.

 

Good luck to you.  You sound like you are a wonderful, caring father who loves your kids so very much.   

 

pj

 

   

[[...]]

Thank you PJ, wise words.

They say time is the healer , not only from Benzo-damage but also

for being able to forgive. i am not there yet, quite far away from it,

but i shall keep your words in my head, and may be the day will come when i can

think back, and say PJ was right, one must let loose.

say hello to the 'owls' for me, i am glad they kept you up.

 

Good morning Morreweg

 

You're not alone when it comes to anger or forgiveness issues.  Everyone experiences anger.  Anger is a normal, healthy emotion. 

 

When someone has wrongfully accused us of something that we did not do, treated us unfairly or made comments to us that we did not deserve - if we did not get angry, and we just let our feelings for that person who wronged us lie dormant - we would always wonder and question why we did not stand up for our self.

 

So for the sake of our health and our self - esteem it's more than okay to get angry. 

 

But, if we cannot ever let go of that anger, and it builds, and builds, and festers and gnaws, and eats at our insides until our emotions are rubbed raw - that can be terribly unhealthy for us, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

 

Then we have to start thinking about forgiveness. 

 

Forgiving is hard, because to forgive someone who has emotionally or physically harmed us, we have to be willing to forget.  Some things done to us, may have been so egregious, that they can never be forgiven or forgotten.

 

To forgive someone does not mean that we are weak - because it takes a really strong person to forgive someone who has wronged them.  Staying angry with someone hurts us much more than it hurts them, because they have likely moved on in their life, not thinking about us or how they hurt us.

 

If we take a piece of paper, and write on it the name of the person who made us so angry or hurt us so badly, guess what?  We can take a pencil, and easily erase that name.  By doing so, that person, if we want them to, have been erased from our life - leaving us free to be happy again, free to be who we want to be, free to live our  life with a joyful spirit, and a happy heart, that is angry no more - - not because we have forgotten - because we have forgiven.   

 

I hope you have a wonderful day.  I've read many of your posts.  You have a kind heart and a compassionate soul.

 

pj

 

       

[[Mo...]]

Good evening PJ (europe here), 

how nice of you to take your time and talk to me, thank you.

 

However , i can't agree with you even though i try very hard to.

the way i see it , this Benzo-incident has nothing to do with forgiveness or anger

the way you are describing it, of course i agree with you in general but this is a complete

different issue.

 

in my opinion a GP has a profession just like any one else, a plumber, electrician

and so on. he is getting payed for doing his work, i am a tax and insurance paying

citizen . it is not my job to do research on a medication he has prescribed for me.

thats his damn work.

 

if you took your suit to a dry cleaner and it came back damaged, would you just smile ?

would you just walk out the shop and tell them, oh i forgive you .

 

PJ, you mentioned physical and emotional harm.

in my opinion they are two different things as well.

 

if i walk down the street and get attacked by someone, i shall slap them back

and fight , i won't be scared and fall down to my knees.

so by the time this is over, there is no need for me to forgive, i just get on with it.

no need for me to be angry either , i leave that to the person who attacked me.

 

Now on the emotional aspect i do agree with you a 100 %. i can always forgive and look ahead.

 

but then again i never had any emotions for my GP,  not my type. 

so tell me why should i forgive him ?

 

i know this is a silly post, but thats the way i feel, can't help it.

Nice day PJ, hope you haven't got a headache after this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[...]]

Morreweg,

 

I understand your not wanting to forgive your GP.  Because as I stated in my post: 

 

"Forgiving is hard, because to forgive someone who has emotionally or physically harmed us, we have to be willing to forget.  Some things done to us, may have been so egregious, that they can never be forgiven or forgotten." 

 

Now, where's those doggone aspirins - I've got one heck of a headache.  

 

Have a nice night.  I like your new Avatar

 

pj       

[[...]]

Holding onto her Mother as tight as a just turned five year old was capable of - a sweet little girl wearing a Kool-Aid stained Minnie Mouse shirt, looked up at the quiet, worried woman, and said, in a soft, loving voice; "I love you, Mommy!"

Tears of joy, mixed with tears of sadness fell from her Mother's pretty brown eyes. 

 

"I'm so sorry.  I'm so ashamed.  I feel so guilty for neglecting you,"  she whispered.

 

Her daughter, with her small, delicate hands, ever so gently wiped away her Mother's tears.

"Please don't cry, Mommy, she said to her Mother.  "You take care of me better than anyone else in the whole wide world."

   

 

    My Mother

 

Without you, Mother

I would not know how to

tie my shoe,

ride a bike or say, "I love you."

 

Without you, Mother

I would not know how to

catch a ball, hold your hand

or walk barefoot in the sand. 

 

Without you, Mother

I would not know how to

wash my face, cuddle a kitten

or find my mitten.

 

Without you, Mother

who would teach me not to tell a lie

or help me to

catch a firefly?

 

Without you, Mother

who would show me

a summer storm

being chased by a rainbow

 

or the baby ducks

all marching

in a row?

 

Without my Mother

what would I do?

I love my Mother,

so will you.

     

You Moms AND dads who are going through withdrawals, relax - your kids love you. You are not neglecting them.  There is a huge difference between neglecting your children and not spending enough time with them.  So, please do not feel guilty. 

[[fl...]]

Pj,

 

I love what you just wrote about sleep.  It should be a sticky on the insomnia board! 

 

As always, I thoroughly enjoy your writing.  You have a gift, dear friend.

[[...]]

Hi pj-

 

I really appreciate your responses within your thread! I enjoyed the native Indian post as well as your poem to parents. These really meant a lot to me and I've reread them numerous times throughout the days as I feel I'm letting my little ones down not being 100% engaged sometimes.

 

I was also really impressed with your story; for one I struggle in the sleep department and am curious how you kept the faith and persevered thru 30days of basically non sleep? What did you do during those lonely nocturnal hours? How did you face each sunset with a confident positive outlook that you would sleep eventually? These are some of my internal questions I have yet to answer myself. Somedays I feel really confident and positive and have a low night- then I'll have an anxious night, but will get 5-7hrs. Makes no sense to me so I would really appreciate your thoughts on how you managed thru your w/d.

 

Thanks again for posting and I hope you stick around a bit longer because you are a lighthouse in the sea of w/d darkness!

Hi CoAco,

 

Thank you.  You are very kind.

 

How did I cope with my not sleeping?  By not going to bed.  I knew I wouldn't sleep, so instead of tossing and turning all night long in my bed, I spent most nights in my recliner with the television on, the volume turned down real low.  I would watch old black and white movies that were showing on the TCM channel.  Colored movies would have been much too bright, and much too stimulating for my already over stimulated mind to handle.

 

As strange as it seems to say it now, at that time, all those great actors from the forties and fifties became my friends, not because I was delusional, but because they kept me company all night long, making me feel like I was not going through withdrawals all alone. 

 

Watching those old movies helped to ease my anxiety over not sleeping.  When morning came, I would just say to myself:  "I didn't sleep last night, maybe tonight I will."

 

On those nights when sleep eludes you, and you have access to some of those wonderful old black and white movies.  You can watch them by yourself or you can take one of your little kids, wrap yourselves up in a light blanket, and cuddle together in a comfortable chair.   

 

Bonding with your child who is sleeping next to you, the muted voices on the TV, and the stillness of the night, may comfort you enough so that you could possibly fall asleep. 

 

The worst thing you can do is to go to bed, and just lie there, tossing and turning.  Believe me, I did that a few times, and as you probably already know through experience; it's torture.

 

Your sleep will come back, not magically all at once, but it will come back in stages.  Your brain is working overtime to repair the part that regulates sleep.  Try not to obsess about not sleeping, it just makes it worse.  It's got to be so hard for you, raising two little kids on very little sleep.  I hope your sleep returns real soon, I really do.

 

One night when I was sitting in my chair, and for the first time in many weeks, I started yawning - I knew that I was about to witness a miracle, and I did.  I slept that night, not perfectly, and not all that long, but I slept.

 

Until your sleep cycle straightens out, you can expect sporadic sleep.  Some nights only an hour or two, some nights three or four, maybe five, other nights, nothing.  There is no rhyme or reason to it.  It's maddening, I know, but eventually you will sleep like a newborn baby.

 

You will dream happy dreams again.  No more nightmares.  Your mind will be as free as dandelion seeds floating in the wind. 

 

Take good care of yourself.  I know you're taking good care of your kids.  As long as you can give your kids a peanut butter sandwich, or a bowl of mac and cheese topped off with a big hug and a kiss, you're not neglecting them.  Kids are so resilient and so forgiving.  They will not even remember that you were not able to inter-act with them as much as you wanted to.

 

Good luck to you.  You sound like you are a wonderful, caring father who loves your kids so very much.   

 

pj

 

   

 

Hi floc,

 

Is this the post you mentioned?  I don't think I will ever be able to get rid of that recliner.  It was my salvation, my refuge, and my comfort zone for what seemed like an eternity.

 

If it wasn't so big, I would have that recliner bronzed with the inscription:  From this old chair I watched a hundred movies.  I fell in love a hundred times.  I love you Lana, Bette, Ingrid, Hedy, Barbara, Lauren, June, Katharine, Elizabeth, Audrey, Judy and Joan.

 

I hope you have a beautiful Sunday, floc.

 

 

[[Ga...]]

Dear PJ

Once again , you discuss issues we all have to deal with.  Insomnia is hard on me, one of the reasons I am here now is because I was prescribed a benzo for some slight insomnia I was having.  I too watch old movies and I love all of the English series and movies of Victorian novels....Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility , importance of being Ernest, etc. I do the same on sleepless nights, volume low on the TV and I do sleep off and on.  I consider all of these movies old friends, my recliner an old friend, a fuzzy cuddle throw, my little sweet dog.  All have helped me through when I know my poor hubby needed to sleep so he could get up for work.

 

As far as forgiveness, I do try but also feel these doctors need to warn people of possible consequences.  Be more educated about the millions of us who simply cannot take prescribed drugs.  But I also had a DNA blood panel done last year (after the 5 months of hell of taking the drugs) that opened my eyes to my own body and metabolism.  Of the 9 enzymes that metabolize drugs, 8 of mine are abnormal and don't work.  The list of drugs that I should never take is very long but includes alcohol, herbs, and some teas, all caffeine, MSG, over the counter pain pills, sleeping pills.  It amazed me.  All drugs are numbered and the lab can list the drugs and their numbers and tell you where they fall in your list of never takes.  I now keep this list with me all the time.  And guess what drugs are the worst?  AD's and benzos, pain killers.  And so this is why I and possibly all of us here on BB suffer so badly.  Why we go into tolerance, have so many long lasting sxs.  But if a simple blood test can help you and a doctor knows exactly what you can take, why not have one before the prescription is written?  Why not indeed. 

 

Thank you once again dear friend for bringing up us subjects to help us all to cope and make it through.  I seem to be dealing with post traumatic issues with this ... Crying about what has happened, fearful it will all come crashing down around me again, trying to live each day without fear.  Did you have this and if so, how did you deal with it, does it go away.

 

Thank you.

 

  Galea

[[...]]

Hi Galea

 

I understand what you are going through.  Insomnia is so hard to deal with, because the inability to fall asleep or to stay asleep is a terrible curse that saps our energy, and changes our personality from happy, outgoing folks into Zombies.

 

Doctors have to tell their patients about all the negative consequences of taking benzos.  I don't think any of us would have taken them for insomnia if we knew that our insomnia was going to get so much worse.

 

When I talk about anger, don't get me wrong.  When I could not sleep, and every other day, a new withdrawal symptom would pop up, believe me, I was plenty angry with my doctor. 

 

Yes, I got angry, but I didn't let that anger eat at me.  Anger, when controlled, well, that's a healthy kind of anger.  It shows that we have a backbone, and we are not just a submissive, marshmallow kind of a  person, who will accept whatever has been perpetrated upon us.

 

If our doctor would have just told us that benzos should not be taken for more than two weeks - everything probably would have been so different for me and you and who knows how many other folks.

 

Galea, those old movies are in a class all by themselves.  Nothing produced today comes close to what was produced during The Golden Age of Hollywood.   

 

Like you, I was fearful that I was never going to recover.  I asked myself many times: "What if this never stops.  What will I do if I am like this forever?"  Of course it was the benzos causing me to think that way, but at the time, those thoughts were rather frightening.

 

Before I ever heard of a Benzodiazepine, and knew what it was - I wasn't  afraid of very many things.  How could I have been reduced to a man who had to sleep with a night light on, something I wouldn't have dreamed of doing as a little kid? 

Now, I sleep in a room that's darker than midnight on a moonless night, and I often do not bother to lock my doors.  I'm living my life like I used to do - before benzos disrupted my world.

 

Galea, the nightmare does end.  Since you have been shown to be much more sensitive to benzos than I probably was, it may take you longer to recover than it did for me, but you will recover.

 

You're so right, Galea.  If there is a blood test that can show folks that they have a propensity to be sensitive to certain drugs and chemicals, they should be given that test by their doctor. 

 

When those tears of pain, sadness, and hurt that you have been experiencing have subsided, you have to live your life in the present, not in the past or the future.  Don't wait until you are completely healed before you do all the things that you want to do.                         

If you allow yourself to be consumed with the fear that you are never going to heal, it's easy to lose sight of the good things in life that make it the wonderful experience that it is or that it can be. 

 

Take care, friend. 

 

pj

 

 

 

 

[[...]]

Hi folks,

 

Last week I was riding a very crowded elevator up to the third floor of the clinic  for my 'Once in a Blue Moon' physical exam.  Much to my surprise, I 'bumped' into Dr. Crane, my former doctor. 

I say my former doctor - because her lack of knowledge concerning benzo withdrawals, and her skepticism when I told her that I thought I was having withdrawals from the Ativan and Ambien made me quite mad for awhile.

 

She's a fine doctor in every other way, but when it came to benzos, she was not very wise, and neither was I.  My anger and my stubbornness got the best of me, so I went cold turkey and terminated my relationship with her. 

We had a real cordial chat upon exiting the elevator.  She inquired as to how I was doing, and once again, she apologized to me for not realizing or believing me when I mentioned to her that I was almost certain that I was having withdrawals from the benzos that she prescribed for me.

 

She went on to tell me that after researching Benzodiazepines more thoroughly, she has become a better listener with her patients and has a much more cautious approach when prescribing benzos for them. 

 

I think during our discussion, she was amused at how easily the word; Benzodiazepine, rolled so effortlessly off my tongue. 

We've all had a lot of practice saying that word, haven't we? 

 

I found it refreshing and enlightening to know that there are doctors out there who will admit that they are not all that benzo wise, and they are willing to do some research in order to become more benzo wise. 

 

If, because of our experience with withdrawals, and our strong desire that no one else should suffer from withdrawals the way that we have, wouldn't it be nice if each of us could try and succeed (not an easy task) in educating just ONE doctor to the reality that some folks do indeed suffer from benzo withdrawals.  Perhaps that ONE doctor will then make it possible for ONE more person to be spared the painful ravages of withdrawals.   

 

What a wonderful thing that would be. 

 

I wanted to share that chance meeting that I had with my former doctor with you brave warriors who are fighting every day to win the battle with the benzos, because she showed me that doctors can change their opinions and their attitudes toward benzos and towards the folks who's lives are so negatively impacted by those benzos. 

 

We can hope that there are other doctors out there who will do what my former doctor did; become more informed about benzos, put aside their pride, their biases, and their 'know it all ways', and start to REALLY listen to their patients.

 

The physical exam went okay.  Doc Norris pronounced me 'fit as a fiddle'.  I asked him if he meant to say that I was as fit as a Stradivarius violin.  He laughed that hearty laugh of his and said: "No, just a plain ol' ordinary Bluegrass kinda' fiddle."

 

Continued healing to you all.

[[Mo...]]

Thanks for sharing pj, please continue, lots of thoughts going through my mind, sigh......

its a pleasure to read your posts.

 

[[63...]]

PJ, I just love reading your posts...thank you!

 

What an interesting experience, bumping into your old Dr. I commend him/her for being so open minded and humble/strong enough to apologize. I'm still just grinding away here in withdrawal...coming up on 5 months free.