4-6 month club. How are you doing?

[[Un...]]

I know you guys are probably right.  I just had this two weeks (was drinking Tea with Valerian root everyday for sleep during this time) that I was clearly 100% me.  No dizzy.  No food sensitivity.  No headaches.  No eye issues.  NOTHING!  It was as if I was me again.  and now this!!!  It just isn't right!

[[WT...]]

I know you guys are probably right.  I just had this two weeks (was drinking Tea with Valerian root everyday for sleep during this time) that I was clearly 100% me.  No dizzy.  No food sensitivity.  No headaches.  No eye issues.  NOTHING!  It was as if I was me again.  and now this!!!  It just isn't right!

 

I do understand your frustration.  But hey, you are doing really good over all, and the fact you felt like yourself for 2 weeks is absolutely amazing -- the longest I've had is 10 hours.   You're going to be just fine, and I'm willing to predict you won't need to make it to the year mark to heal, because if you are having 2 week long windows now, that's a really good sign you are healing really nice, IMO>

[[Ga...]]

The only thing that brings me happiness these days is working in my yard. I am so ok when I am out there

in 70 degree weather.

I am dreading the summer though it gets too hot.

Mo 5 havent been that great, cant tell if its depression from wd or my usual depression.

I had a thought last night that Id be happy if Id never have to leave the house again, uh 0h I have to get over

this. My huby at this point does all the groccery shopping.

I just wish my memory would come back. I have to write on things to remind myself. Does anyone else

have the memory problem? I am so afraid it is permanent damage

[[re...]]

Unr3al, Six months out is definitely a confusing time. The longer windows make the waves seem worse and we're so tired of the roller coaster ride, it gets depressing and discouraging. We're going to heal completely. I've gone beyond healed a few times during windows to an almost manic state. I know the pendulum will swing until it settles on center again. Doubt about healing seems to be part of it. Don't let the beast discourage you. It takes a painfully long time but, we're all going to heal to our normal selves again. I had to take another Hydrocodone this morning for my PITA. Trying to keep that to a minimum so I don't get addicted to it too. If anyone ever offers you an E Coli burger, politely decline. They aren't as good as they're made out to be!

 

Sorry to hear about your struggles with E Coli. Hope you heal quickly.

You sum up the journey quite well. This morning I collapsed into a pool of tears. I am tired of being strong, brave and accepting. I am mentally, psychically, and spiritually exhausted.

 

I too have had a few windows where I felt manic. It worried me. Good to know it is just a phase of healing.

 

This is a grueling process. But I am grateful for reclaiming my brain. I may be a neurotic mess underneath the benzo, but by God, It is the real me and I embrace her! 

 

Hope everyone has a great Friday and a fabulous weekend.

 

[[Un...]]

I know you guys are probably right.  I just had this two weeks (was drinking Tea with Valerian root everyday for sleep during this time) that I was clearly 100% me.  No dizzy.  No food sensitivity.  No headaches.  No eye issues.  NOTHING!  It was as if I was me again.  and now this!!!  It just isn't right!

 

I do understand your frustration.  But hey, you are doing really good over all, and the fact you felt like yourself for 2 weeks is absolutely amazing -- the longest I've had is 10 hours.   You're going to be just fine, and I'm willing to predict you won't need to make it to the year mark to heal, because if you are having 2 week long windows now, that's a really good sign you are healing really nice, IMO>

 

Well according to some posts here my 2 weeks of bliss might have been because of the Sleepy Time Extra Tea with Valerian root.  Turns out it is like a herbal Valium.  It made me feel calm, relaxed and sleep was amazing.  However, I might have just fed the GABA beast in my head with a herbal substitute.  Not sure if it is or not, but only time will tell.  Have discontinued its use and everything has gone downhill since then.

[[Sc...]]

I just passed 6 months today.  Now 6 months and 1 day.    Yesterday was the worst day I've had since I tapered.  I'd like to just forget it ever happened.  But I got through it.  Sleep still wasn't great, but I can't complain compared to the insomnia some of you suffer from.  I am keeping busy today - baking oat bars, and going to start painting my daughters room.  Will go out later to buy a ton of groceries as our fridge looks a tad sad.  If anything, I have learned to fully expect the unexpected at 6 months out - at least for me.  I haven't had my wave really lift for 2-3 months straight, so my HOPE is that I have a lot of healing coming my way.  Every day is a struggle. I manage to do things - I have not once every been bed ridden - however a lot of that comes from being a young mom.  I know if my daughter wasn't a part of my life I would have curled up in bed more often.  She keeps me going. 

 

My husband is my rock.  He just comes home and never cares if the first thing he sees is me crying in a panic.  It doesn't phase him.  He hates that it has to happen, but he is one very patient man.  My daughter has never made me feel bad for this situation we're in.  She thinks "mommy is strong" and even tells her teachers.  lol  She still says she thinks I'm much better than I was months ago, so that's good.  At least she sees the progress. 

 

Hang in there buddies.  This is SO much harder than I anticipated. but we are that much further ahead now.  We have MANY days/months of healing under our belts.  It can only get better.

 

Love and big hugs,

Schatje

[[no...]]

Schatje- You do keep busy. i was wondering, when you are home, and your husband is at work- do you ever just have thoughts you dont want to be alone? Or, do you feel fearful when you go out to the store. I guess what I am trying badly to say is- I am usually pushing my way through the day and out to work/school.When home on a day off, I am so freaked out, and then...when I need to go out an errand- the transition from at home scared to out in the world scared is really awful....

I know its not rational, its just my biggest problem, on, off and before benzos to some degree.

I hope your day goes easier for you, and whatever it brings, you have accomplished things regardless. That is something.

cheers- Susan

[[re...]]

Susan

I am sorry you are feeling so much fear. MIne is getting better but not gone all the way. I too had trouble with transitions. UGH. Just hated going from one task to the next. Indoors to out was a big one. Being alone to being with people was hard too.

 

Our brains are not healed yet, but we will not be this fearful forever. Some of us just get hit hard in wd.

Every day we are healing. I trust that.

[[no...]]

Oh, thank you, RFB. I wasn't sure how to explain it, and you knew what i was talking about. OK. So- is this transition issue unique to your w/d process, or have you experienced it before? I am really plagued with it since jumping. Even though I do not have social anxiety, the being alone to being with people i is something I can well relate to. I'm sorry that you have had to deal with it, but it is a relief to hear someone describe what I was certain was just me.

However- had a decent enough day. Still in my tsunami wave, but there was a tiny peek of "susan" midafternoon...just a moment, but...at least theres still that tiny seed.

Going to take my daughter back to college tomorrow, and continuing on to Boston for the day, with my husband. Biggest road trip since the jump. Hope the beast just stays in the trunk.....

Healing vibes- Susan

[[Sc...]]

Schatje- You do keep busy. i was wondering, when you are home, and your husband is at work- do you ever just have thoughts you dont want to be alone? Or, do you feel fearful when you go out to the store. I guess what I am trying badly to say is- I am usually pushing my way through the day and out to work/school.When home on a day off, I am so freaked out, and then...when I need to go out an errand- the transition from at home scared to out in the world scared is really awful....

I know its not rational, its just my biggest problem, on, off and before benzos to some degree.

I hope your day goes easier for you, and whatever it brings, you have accomplished things regardless. That is something.

cheers- Susan

 

Hi Susan,

 

I do feel what you are feeling as well.  It's not constant - some days are better than others w/ this specific feeling.  Indoors to out was/is my worst as well.  I do get scared when I'm alone...but I also find comfort in it b/c for once my husband doesn't have to watch me "freak out".  I feel like I give him a break or something.  There's a comfort for me to being alone some days.  I turn the radio on (I need "company" of some sort), and then just "be".  I have to sometimes pace a lot.  Nervous energy I guess.  It's hard though...all of this is hard.  I have so many s/x stil hitting me (though today I got some mini-breaks). 

 

I am just rambling now.  lol  I'm tired tonight and I'm not thinking straight so I hope this all made sense.  In the end, I do struggle w/ the changes as well...I have to do a TON of self talk.

 

Hugs,

Schatje

[[br...]]

Schatje,

 

You are a trooper. You can do this. Hang in there. You were on for a long time. Things WILL get better. Sending thoughts and prayers your way tonight.

[[...]]

hi buddios - this is a great thread.  i can feel the kindness and closeness and it is such a blessing during this.

 

guys i just want to tell you something important about the dr/dp stuff.  i am in my 7th month out. i cannot even tell you how bad i had that and how frightening it was.  it was the damn twilight zone.  i felt so strange it drove me nuts.  i would sit and cry all day because i felt so far from myself that i could not ever imagine getting back to normal.  i was scared of what my next thought would be.  i saw rise of the planet of the apes and had a panic attack and had to leave and go rest in the restroom.  i was like grieving my entire past or something. it was the worst experience i have ever known.  i could not talk for months.  i forgot what i was like.  :idiot: :idiot:BEEN THERE.  and ......i do not have it hardly AT ALL.  it is gone.  sometimes i get tiny twitches of oddness but for the most part it is gone.  so believe that it is w/d and it will go away.  i know how scary it is.  it's bizarre.  just keep holding on and when i was in it i would say "ok i'm in a slam of this and it will end"  it will

 

i am wondering - as read on here - my physical sx are a lot of hurting muscle  pain in my left leg.  it's real bad.  but this month 7 is wonderful.  and month 6 was extreme anx and sick.  go figure. 

i still have mild depression and fatigue, but i am so thankful

just want to give a little hope.

i survived on the hope on here - and with God - for months.....

you are so brave.  this takes extreme courage.xoxoxo

[[...]]

Hi Pan! This is exactly how I feel--totally disconnected to my old self and I HATE IT! When did things start improving for you? Just recently??

[[Al...]]

Pan, thanks for stopping by and offering support. I also have muscle pain that started out as burning, now it is deeper. It is mostly my upper left arm and my right thigh. Heating pad helps somewhat.

 

I read somewhere that dp/dr was our bodies way of 'protecting ' us. It makes us 'out of it' so that we don't venture out into danger. It is stress related of course (fight or flight).

[[Un...]]

At 6 months I have the disconnect feeling and derealization if overtime again.  For a bit over a week now after having a few weeks of being almost myself again.  I highly doubt that it will ever go away fully for me.  It seems to just keep coming back too often.  But I do see improvements of course.  All I can do is hang in there and hope it stops.

 

Headpressure, eye issue, derealization, dizzy, and general depression with a disconnected feeling is how I roll this week.  Awful!

[[br...]]

Unreal,

 

I know it's hard to imagine right now, but you will be free of DP/DR at some point. Those are transitory states. Even with regular old anxiety they occur. I know how awful it is. But, you really can't assume any state in WD will stay forever. By definition, these symptoms are part if healing... and healing is a state of transition. i.e. things as they are now are finite.

This will change. When? None of us know.

 

Hang in there. We're all behind you.

[[...]]

I'm four months off as of yesterday.  Does anyone mind if I join in on this thread?  I've been having a rough time of it the last two weeks (yesterday was a little better, but that's it.)  Anxiety, depression, off and on insomnia, fatigue, nausea, intrusive thoughts, jitters/shakes, dizziness, you name it.  Three weeks ago I was getting 75% windows every night and thought I'd be healed in a few months.  Now I know I'm in this for the long haul...

[[re...]]

Aj12 welcome!  I should be over in the 7-12 month thread but I like to read how my friends are doing here.

Keep us posted on your progress.

[[...]]

I wanted to come on and report some positive news to everyone - after a bad 11 day wave, I had a fantastic 4 day window - full days of full windows, completely sxs free. It was GREAT!

 

Unfortunately, after being awake for about 2 hours this morning I felt that click in my brain and a strange pressure starting at the top of my head and working down to my nose started. I am going on vacation this coming Saturday and I have been dreading when the wave was going to start. When I was feeling better after jumping my hubby and I arranged some vacations and every time I experience between 2-6 days of HORRIFIC symptoms and waves brought on by the trip. The day of the trip however, it miraculously disappears.

 

This mornign I was thinking about the trip and wondering when the sh*t was going to hit the fan and then WHAM. the head feeling started - I probably stressed myself out and brought it on

 

HOWEVER, I wanted to report my good news about my lovely Window - they seem to be coming every 6-10 days on average lasting 4-6 days. Hopefully the windows will get longer and the waves shorter.

[[re...]]

I wanted to come on and report some positive news to everyone - after a bad 11 day wave, I had a fantastic 4 day window - full days of full windows, completely sxs free. It was GREAT!

 

Unfortunately, after being awake for about 2 hours this morning I felt that click in my brain and a strange pressure starting at the top of my head and working down to my nose started. I am going on vacation this coming Saturday and I have been dreading when the wave was going to start. When I was feeling better after jumping my hubby and I arranged some vacations and every time I experience between 2-6 days of HORRIFIC symptoms and waves brought on by the trip. The day of the trip however, it miraculously disappears.

 

This mornign I was thinking about the trip and wondering when the sh*t was going to hit the fan and then WHAM. the head feeling started - I probably stressed myself out and brought it on

 

HOWEVER, I wanted to report my good news about my lovely Window - they seem to be coming every 6-10 days on average lasting 4-6 days. Hopefully the windows will get longer and the waves shorter.

 

This is awesome Amy!! I hope your windows get longer too!

[[Ch...]]

aj12,

 

You just described me!  You are not alone my friend.

[[...]]

Thanks for the welcome recoveringfrombenzoz and chinook.  Today hasn't been much better.  The last few days when I first lay down or wake up I feel severely out of breath.  The fatigue and weakness are the worst!  Dizziness and nausea are pretty bad too, and my motivation is GONE...spending half the day in bed now.  I'm concerned I could be anemic so I'm getting checked out for that tomorrow, but right now things are just NO good.  I had a little break Friday where I felt some "life" again...and now it's gone.

[[re...]]

Thanks for the welcome recoveringfrombenzoz and chinook.  Today hasn't been much better.  The last few days when I first lay down or wake up I feel severely out of breath.  The fatigue and weakness are the worst!  Dizziness and nausea are pretty bad too, and my motivation is GONE...spending half the day in bed now.  I'm concerned I could be anemic so I'm getting checked out for that tomorrow, but right now things are just NO good.  I had a little break Friday where I felt some "life" again...and now it's gone.

 

good to get checked out. I was short of breathe and so weak in my taper. I thought I was dying from something. I could not shower. One day my son had to come over to pick me up and put me on the toilet and hold me while I peed. I think that was my recovery "bottom." I have nothing else wrong with me other than benzo wd. It knocks the stuffing out of us. But.. we survive. Hope you get good results on your tests. My bet is wd, and nothing more. Hope you feel better soon.

[[St...]]

I don't know if I belong here.  I am 5 month benzo free by means of c/t.  I don't feel my counting is the same as a wise taperers time, c/t was so wrongly advised to me.  I need to make contact, to feel like I'm not alone, to have someone to walk this journey with.  I have a friend that is 21 months out from a c/t, her progress is encouraging.  I got slammed at 4 months, so is my slam the same as yours? 

 

Is a symptom a symptom no matter where along this journey it occurs?

 

Is everyone at 4 - 6 months frightened the same as me?  Are you afraid you won't heal - or not heal to a full life?  Are you just so tired of having all this feeling in your body?  It is tiring to have so much stimuli going on, tiring to have so much anxiety and emotions going on. 

 

Sometimes I feel so alone - I'm sitting here on this computer and my husband who is so helpful and supportive is on his computer, my three young adult children are watching football in the wreckroom.  Each of these 4 people love me, are there for me, but I feel we are growing apart. We don't have hobbies we do together anymore, sitting and watching tv is what they do with mom, but even that is limited due to how much action I can watch.  I mean when football is too loud or fast... thank goodness for the Hallmark channel. Watching a movie that was on yesterday and last night, so I'm seeing it for the 3rd time in a little over 24 hrs.

 

So I guess as far as time - it doesn't matter does it?  I can post on here also?

 

I am sorry everyone is going thru this, it breaks my heart.

love,

Sally Stillbelieving 

 

[[Ch...]]

aj12,

 

Again, you sound exactly like me!  I started to get the morning fatigue/out of breath/benzo flu feeling at about 5 1/2 months off.  Before that, my taper was pretty mellow and I had about one 2 week-long wave every month with lots of windows.  I thought I was done at about month 4 but that was not the case.  Hopefully you will be different but if you are not, I hope you are comforted by the fact that other have been through this.  It is terrible but I am confident we are both healing.