4-6 month club. How are you doing?

[[Sc...]]

I don't know if I belong here.  I am 5 month benzo free by means of c/t.  I don't feel my counting is the same as a wise taperers time, c/t was so wrongly advised to me.  I need to make contact, to feel like I'm not alone, to have someone to walk this journey with.  I have a friend that is 21 months out from a c/t, her progress is encouraging.  I got slammed at 4 months, so is my slam the same as yours? 

 

Is a symptom a symptom no matter where along this journey it occurs?

 

Is everyone at 4 - 6 months frightened the same as me?  Are you afraid you won't heal - or not heal to a full life?  Are you just so tired of having all this feeling in your body?  It is tiring to have so much stimuli going on, tiring to have so much anxiety and emotions going on. 

 

Sometimes I feel so alone - I'm sitting here on this computer and my husband who is so helpful and supportive is on his computer, my three young adult children are watching football in the wreckroom.  Each of these 4 people love me, are there for me, but I feel we are growing apart. We don't have hobbies we do together anymore, sitting and watching tv is what they do with mom, but even that is limited due to how much action I can watch.  I mean when football is too loud or fast... thank goodness for the Hallmark channel. Watching a movie that was on yesterday and last night, so I'm seeing it for the 3rd time in a little over 24 hrs.

 

So I guess as far as time - it doesn't matter does it?  I can post on here also?

 

I am sorry everyone is going thru this, it breaks my heart.

love,

Sally Stillbelieving 

 

I'm a mom w/ an 8 year old...I tapered...and I have ALL the same feelings as you.  For me, I try to do 1 thing every day or so w/ my daughter.  Colour one picture together.  Help her study for a test.  Ask her to read to me while I cook dinner.  They are little things, but I truly believe those little things add up and our kids adore us more than we know.  I leave notes in my daughter's lunch once in awhile.  Just a simple "Have a good day...love you".  It will make you feel good

 

I have the same fear, and if there is one thing I've noticed on this thread, it's that MANY of us are in the same "fear boat" whether we tapered or did a c/t.  Especially as this 4-6 month mark.  I think it begins to feel more "real".  Like, "okay....it's been 5 months...aren't I getting any better?".  Then another month passes and we think, "uh oh...shouldn't I be seeing more improvement?".  Many seem to get relief at 6 months, but I've also noticed a trend of people not feeling true relief till closer to 7-9 months off...so hold on to that if it doesn't come sooner. 

 

My husband is also extremely supportive...and I laugh b/c right at this very moment, I am on the laptop, my hubby is on the computer and my daughter is studying for a social studies test.  I guess we are "together".  I too feel alone, even with the company of my family. 

 

I have had a surge of s/x come at me recently which really took me by surprise and scared me to bits...but these past 48 hours I have taken some "me time" to let myself just get through this.  I push and push, but I think I almost "burned out".  I needed to sit back and say "this is going to take longer than you thought it would...so just go with it".  Easier said than done b/c as soon as i get hit again I feel like screaming.  I am beyond frustrated some days. 

 

I am tired of my body not feeling right.  It never feels like "me"...it's more like a broken me.  And the problem w/ noise/sound/light/touch was getting so much better for me, only to come back at me again recently.  A simple hug from my hubby feels like I'm being suffocated.  My daughter singing a song is like nails down a chalkboard (and she actually has a pretty voice).  Movies bother me again....everything you feel I know so well.

 

You're not alone, and through it all I still know we'll get there.  Our life just has to go on hold a bit.  I think we have to  push ourselves a bit every now and then, but we have to be kind to ourselves as well.  I try to surround myself w/ things that make me happy.  I bake a lot now - even though I can't always eat it w/ my lack of appetite...but it calms me.  I look at interior design web sites and magazines since I love to decorate my home and I make "to do" lists of things I want to do when I feel a ton better.  And every now and then I check one thing off my list which feels good. 

 

Thinking of you...I routing for you and I know we are ALL going to make it...it just takes more time than we'd like.

 

Love and hugs,

Schatje

[[...]]

aj12,

 

Again, you sound exactly like me!  I started to get the morning fatigue/out of breath/benzo flu feeling at about 5 1/2 months off.  Before that, my taper was pretty mellow and I had about one 2 week-long wave every month with lots of windows.  I thought I was done at about month 4 but that was not the case.  Hopefully you will be different but if you are not, I hope you are comforted by the fact that other have been through this.  It is terrible but I am confident we are both healing.

 

Oh goodness!  I hope that maybe since I have it now I won't have it a month and a half from now!  I don't know how much longer I can take this...it's so disheartening when you felt like you were making good progress and then are thrown back so far.  Everyone around me expects me to be so normal...finish school...get a job...and a month ago I was handling it all fine, getting out even.  Now I'm struggling to do just what I *have* to do again...like I was my first few weeks off.

 

I was hoping I wouldn't get slammed around this time like so many do but...here I am.  Ughhhhh...

[[St...]]

Coming up on 7 months January 24th. Sure thought I was over it. Bad wave started last night. Little sleep, flu like, dizzy, benzo belly, buzzing and tingling, kinda nauseous. But, I've had so many good days now that I know this is temporary. I just hate to call in sick tomorrow. Wishing us all a good night and better tomorrow.

[[re...]]

Hope it passes for you soon Stevie. You are suffering a lot for a short time user.

Healing has to be just around the corner for you.

[[St...]]

I don't know if I belong here.  I am 5 month benzo free by means of c/t.  I don't feel my counting is the same as a wise taperers time, c/t was so wrongly advised to me.  I need to make contact, to feel like I'm not alone, to have someone to walk this journey with.  I have a friend that is 21 months out from a c/t, her progress is encouraging.  I got slammed at 4 months, so is my slam the same as yours? 

 

Is a symptom a symptom no matter where along this journey it occurs?

 

Is everyone at 4 - 6 months frightened the same as me?  Are you afraid you won't heal - or not heal to a full life?  Are you just so tired of having all this feeling in your body?  It is tiring to have so much stimuli going on, tiring to have so much anxiety and emotions going on. 

 

Sometimes I feel so alone - I'm sitting here on this computer and my husband who is so helpful and supportive is on his computer, my three young adult children are watching football in the wreckroom.  Each of these 4 people love me, are there for me, but I feel we are growing apart. We don't have hobbies we do together anymore, sitting and watching tv is what they do with mom, but even that is limited due to how much action I can watch.  I mean when football is too loud or fast... thank goodness for the Hallmark channel. Watching a movie that was on yesterday and last night, so I'm seeing it for the 3rd time in a little over 24 hrs.

 

So I guess as far as time - it doesn't matter does it?  I can post on here also?

 

I am sorry everyone is going thru this, it breaks my heart.

love,

Sally Stillbelieving 

 

I'm a mom w/ an 8 year old...I tapered...and I have ALL the same feelings as you.  For me, I try to do 1 thing every day or so w/ my daughter.  Colour one picture together.  Help her study for a test.  Ask her to read to me while I cook dinner.  They are little things, but I truly believe those little things add up and our kids adore us more than we know.  I leave notes in my daughter's lunch once in awhile.  Just a simple "Have a good day...love you".  It will make you feel good

 

I have the same fear, and if there is one thing I've noticed on this thread, it's that MANY of us are in the same "fear boat" whether we tapered or did a c/t.  Especially as this 4-6 month mark.  I think it begins to feel more "real".  Like, "okay....it's been 5 months...aren't I getting any better?".  Then another month passes and we think, "uh oh...shouldn't I be seeing more improvement?".  Many seem to get relief at 6 months, but I've also noticed a trend of people not feeling true relief till closer to 7-9 months off...so hold on to that if it doesn't come sooner. 

 

My husband is also extremely supportive...and I laugh b/c right at this very moment, I am on the laptop, my hubby is on the computer and my daughter is studying for a social studies test.  I guess we are "together".  I too feel alone, even with the company of my family. 

 

I have had a surge of s/x come at me recently which really took me by surprise and scared me to bits...but these past 48 hours I have taken some "me time" to let myself just get through this.  I push and push, but I think I almost "burned out".  I needed to sit back and say "this is going to take longer than you thought it would...so just go with it".  Easier said than done b/c as soon as i get hit again I feel like screaming.  I am beyond frustrated some days. 

 

I am tired of my body not feeling right.  It never feels like "me"...it's more like a broken me.  And the problem w/ noise/sound/light/touch was getting so much better for me, only to come back at me again recently.  A simple hug from my hubby feels like I'm being suffocated.  My daughter singing a song is like nails down a chalkboard (and she actually has a pretty voice).  Movies bother me again....everything you feel I know so well.

 

You're not alone, and through it all I still know we'll get there.  Our life just has to go on hold a bit.  I think we have to  push ourselves a bit every now and then, but we have to be kind to ourselves as well.  I try to surround myself w/ things that make me happy.  I bake a lot now - even though I can't always eat it w/ my lack of appetite...but it calms me.  I look at interior design web sites and magazines since I love to decorate my home and I make "to do" lists of things I want to do when I feel a ton better.  And every now and then I check one thing off my list which feels good. 

 

Thinking of you...I routing for you and I know we are ALL going to make it...it just takes more time than we'd like.

 

Love and hugs,

Schatje

 

Thanks Schatje for your response,

 

Oh I remember 8 years old and the notes in the lunch.  I was really involved with them during those young years. Well always but it is different now to what level, being their age. I think it is just me needing them, where of course they are living their lives and should be - my oldest 2 are in college and my youngest a sr in high school. Even if I weren't going thru this they would be coming and going, but I would have more of a life, or I would be watching the football game with them it wouldn't be too loud to me.

 

I know what you mean about getting a hug and feeling suffocated. My husband is finally after 5 months understanding it isn't personal, sometimes I can be hugged sometimes i can't. I have noticed that that reaction is happening less and I'm enjoying being held during a hug - that is if he doesn't rub my back too much. Boy being supportive to me is difficult - I want a hug but I can't be held too tight, don't rub my back too much, .... I'm lucky I get one...I'm rather difficult - just joking.

 

Symptoms are symptoms - we all understand one another - thanks for being there.

hugs,

Sally Stillbelieving 

 

Enjoy these years, all the years with your little one. Oh those years went by so fast to me, such wonderful memories I do have luckily.

[[St...]]

Hope it passes for you soon Stevie. You are suffering a lot for a short time user.

Healing has to be just around the corner for you.

 

Thanks RFB,

Already feeling better this morning. Not to be discouraging. Waves are becoming fewer and farther between. It puzzles me that it's still going on seven months out with the shot time I was taking it but it's almost gone. Hope you and everyone here has a good day today!

[[Un...]]

Thanks RFB,

Already feeling better this morning. Not to be discouraging. Waves are becoming fewer and farther between. It puzzles me that it's still going on seven months out with the shot time I was taking it but it's almost gone. Hope you and everyone here has a good day today!

 

Your situation seems very similar to my own.  I was only on it for 10 weeks.  I am now at 6 months as of today.  Had a really bad wave last week.  I am hoping it will ease this week again.  Crazy how so little can hurt so much for so long.

[[Al...]]

Just checking in. Very scared. Worsened nausea, dizziness on top of everything else. Extreme anxiety, trembling, burning.

feeling "out of it", like I'm not going to make it. I do keep telling myself it's withdrawal. Vision is too blurry to continue typing. I will check in later.

[[...]]

Thanks RFB,

Already feeling better this morning. Not to be discouraging. Waves are becoming fewer and farther between. It puzzles me that it's still going on seven months out with the shot time I was taking it but it's almost gone. Hope you and everyone here has a good day today!

 

Your situation seems very similar to my own.  I was only on it for 10 weeks.  I am now at 6 months as of today.  Had a really bad wave last week.  I am hoping it will ease this week again.  Crazy how so little can hurt so much for so long.

 

4.5 months here, 2.5 months of that taper time.  It doesn't seem to make a difference, does it?  Finally had a couple hours today where I felt some energy/emotion (although the stupid jitters didn't leave.)  Now it's back to fatigue with the jitters and some other stuff.  Did have blood drawn today which always makes me feel crummy, so that may be a contributing factor as to why my quasi-window closed.

 

We WILL beat this.  I have to keep telling myself that...

[[St...]]

It doesn't seem to matter too much. Not to take away from the long timers. I can't imagine. But it's like your dose is a rock of the dose size. You drop into your glass of GABA and the excess runs over the rim and is gone. Then you take the dose rock out and your GABA is that much too low be it a month or years. My noodle has been working hard to replace that GABA and has made great progress. I don't know why waves come back but I've had two week windows lately and very weak waves. This one was rough but could be a reaction to stopping the Hydrocodone I took for three days after hopefully my last colorectal surgery. Odd that I didn't have a bit of excess nerves prepping or going in for surgery or the couple of days after surgery. Then the wave started creeping in Saturday afternoon. Then the irrational thoughts about surgery going bad even though everything is going fine. Damn the beast! What a con artist he is.

So keep telling yourself we will beat this. It's not sugar coat. It's a fact. We're all going to beat the beast.

 

Alexa, It's withdrawal. And it'll pass. I have to remind myself too but I've seen my old self a lot lately. You will too.

[[no...]]

Ok. Going to whisper this ever so softly- I have seen a bit of my old self the past few days.  Yep. Really. You know, me, the biggest doubter of them all. By no means anxiety/fear free, but underneath it the old me is struggling to resurface. And at times, the endless looping fear talk has....stopped.

Oh, it feels good. Exhausted, but okay...

North

[[re...]]

Amen!! Keep us posted. Rooting for you.

 

[[...]]

Ok. Going to whisper this ever so softly- I have seen a bit of my old self the past few days.  Yep. Really. You know, me, the biggest doubter of them all. By no means anxiety/fear free, but underneath it the old me is struggling to resurface. And at times, the endless looping fear talk has....stopped.

Oh, it feels good. Exhausted, but okay...

North

 

I know how you feel about whispering ever so quietly - it's like every time we say we feel good WHAM! So glad you are having a great day and seeing glimpses of yourself. it's amazing how we forget who we are, what we are like until we have those REAL windows. Then its like awakening from a bad dream or a fog and being able to see so very clearly. 

 

I hope it continues to last for you I know you have been struggling a lot the last few months.

[[re...]]

Ok. Going to whisper this ever so softly- I have seen a bit of my old self the past few days.  Yep. Really. You know, me, the biggest doubter of them all. By no means anxiety/fear free, but underneath it the old me is struggling to resurface. And at times, the endless looping fear talk has....stopped.

Oh, it feels good. Exhausted, but okay...

North

 

Susan how are you today? Thinking of you!

[[St...]]

Hang on to that Susan! I've had that feeling a lot lately. When negativity tries to creep in, and the beast really is a creep, replace it immediately with positive thoughts. Even if it's something simple like how pretty sandspur grass is and how it grows in anything. The beast is getting weak. Don't even glance at him. I love reading these little success stories. Progress is happening! Grasp it a run with it and don't look back!

[[Ch...]]

Hi guys,

 

Although I'm actually in month 7, I think I feel comfortable saying that I am slowly (very slowly) coming out of my 3 month wave from hell.  A lot of the physical symptoms (neurological) are starting to calm down a bit and I'm actually starting to sleep more than 3 or 4 hours a night.  Thank God!  Keep your fingers crossed!  Unfortunately, I'm still getting hit really hard with the anxiety and depression.  Anxiety is the worst.  Most of the anxiety is associated with being on leave from work and having no income.  I am so frustrated that I am not healing faster I can't stand it!  I know this is a terrible attitude but I cant help it. 

[[re...]]

Hi guys,

 

Although I'm actually in month 7, I think I feel comfortable saying that I am slowly (very slowly) coming out of my 3 month wave from hell.  A lot of the physical symptoms (neurological) are starting to calm down a bit and I'm actually starting to sleep more than 3 or 4 hours a night.  Thank God!  Keep your fingers crossed!  Unfortunately, I'm still getting hit really hard with the anxiety and depression.  Anxiety is the worst.  Most of the anxiety is associated with being on leave from work and having no income.  I am so frustrated that I am not healing faster I can't stand it!  I know this is a terrible attitude but I cant help it.

 

Way to go! Hope it gets better for you. I love hearing that healing is happening. Do you have anxiety other than work? I am curious how others feel anxiety.

[[no...]]

Ok. So, today it comes crashing back...full force, heck, even harder- the fear and messed up feeling. This is threatening everything I have worked for.

I read some of my pre-benzo journals...I had some of this before benzos. I have been journaling through the w/d process, and see that, unfortunately, my situation has become worse and not better. I mentioned this to my one support person- husband. He came down hard on the side of-" how long/how bad will you let it get before you realize you needed this medication? Will you let it jepordize everything you have worked so hard to build? This has gone on too long for you to still delude yourself and think its w/d."

Not sure what to do- its definitely become increasingly hard to get to work and school, and I'm freaked out most of the time, but I keep doing it, thinking I just have to get to the other side of the mountain...only what if I already am on the other side?

I had a moment of semi-decent, but its been a steady dose of hell for a long time now.

Wish I had better news.

 

[[Ch...]]

Hi recovering,

 

I guess what I have is just huge w/d anxiety.  Today my physical symptoms (other than fatigue) are not that bad so I have stopped worrying about them and have shifted my worry to something else.  I'm not working now.  Hey, that is a great thing to worry about!  Two weeks ago I was worrying about dying.  Not any more.  Really, I should be happy that I now have the ability to worry about something that is not so severe. 

[[re...]]

Ok. So, today it comes crashing back...full force, heck, even harder- the fear and messed up feeling. This is threatening everything I have worked for.

I read some of my pre-benzo journals...I had some of this before benzos. I have been journaling through the w/d process, and see that, unfortunately, my situation has become worse and not better. I mentioned this to my one support person- husband. He came down hard on the side of-" how long/how bad will you let it get before you realize you needed this medication? Will you let it jepordize everything you have worked so hard to build? This has gone on too long for you to still delude yourself and think its w/d."

Not sure what to do- its definitely become increasingly hard to get to work and school, and I'm freaked out most of the time, but I keep doing it, thinking I just have to get to the other side of the mountain...only what if I already am on the other side?

I had a moment of semi-decent, but its been a steady dose of hell for a long time now.

Wish I had better news.

 

I agree we can get parts of our old self back. I know some of my anxiety is my old old self thawing out. I have to heal that part. I also know that the feeling I have now is NOT just me, its WD!! It takes a long time to heal. WTBNA said BLiss Johns shared with a friend of his that her fear took over a year to heal. She was on klon for a facial tick!! If it took her that long we need to be kind and compassionate to ourselves and let our brains heal. I am not making any decisions about my mental health until 2 years out.  I did a cold turkey. Two years to heal from the shock seems reasonable.

Hang in there Susan. Do what you can to stop the fear cycle. Get some help for your anxiety with a good therapist if you can.

I am so sorry you are in hell. I hope you turn some corners soon.

[[St...]]

Seven months complete so now I'm starting my 8th month. Woke up the past two nights at 3-3:30 am with trembling in my upper torso and numbness in my face with cog fog. I sat up in fear of a stroke or some other serious malady but all simple checks went back to anxiety. Hard to believe all this over three months of .75 mg of Xanax but, it's still withdrawal. I might be morphing into more psychosomatic than organic at this point but either way it's very real and quite debilitating. Susan, I wish your husband would be more supportive of your predicament. I can understand his side too though as my wife is on the edge of patience too. I would be too as there is no outward signs of our ills with this beast. It's hard for ME to believe it's organic withdrawal most of the time. That's why I have fears that it's something else and then that just adds to the anxiety and resulting symptoms. If it's psychosomatic, it's snowballing and may be even harder to shake. No pun intended. I'm having thoughts about seeing a psychologist I met in one of the buildings I work in. He believes at this point it's more psychosomatic than organic. I'm open to whatever will fix it so I'm considering the possibility he may be right. If he's wrong and it's organic still, a little anxiety management psychological therapy might help anyhow. A subject that should be taught in high school. Worrying about anxiety might be the worst kind of worry. Think relaxing thoughts often guys and gals. We're getting toward the end of this fiasco.

[[re...]]

Seven months complete so now I'm starting my 8th month. Woke up the past two nights at 3-3:30 am with trembling in my upper torso and numbness in my face with cog fog. I sat up in fear of a stroke or some other serious malady but all simple checks went back to anxiety. Hard to believe all this over three months of .75 mg of Xanax but, it's still withdrawal. I might be morphing into more psychosomatic than organic at this point but either way it's very real and quite debilitating. Susan, I wish your husband would be more supportive of your predicament. I can understand his side too though as my wife is on the edge of patience too. I would be too as there is no outward signs of our ills with this beast. It's hard for ME to believe it's organic withdrawal most of the time. That's why I have fears that it's something else and then that just adds to the anxiety and resulting symptoms. If it's psychosomatic, it's snowballing and may be even harder to shake. No pun intended. I'm having thoughts about seeing a psychologist I met in one of the buildings I work in. He believes at this point it's more psychosomatic than organic. I'm open to whatever will fix it so I'm considering the possibility he may be right. If he's wrong and it's organic still, a little anxiety management psychological therapy might help anyhow. A subject that should be taught in high school. Worrying about anxiety might be the worst kind of worry. Think relaxing thoughts often guys and gals. We're getting toward the end of this fiasco.

 

Were you put on xanax for anxiety? Remember that Bliss Johns took 2 years to heal after her taper. She was NOT on a benzo for anxiety yet she suffered with anxiety, fear, and a ton of body sx. These drugs change our brains. Takes time to heal. You may be bringing something to the party so to speak but dont underestimate what withdrawal and can and how long it can last. Most doctors will tell you wd cant last this long, yet you talk to people who have gone through it and they tell you it can and does. Hope you feel better soon.

[[no...]]

I should know this... what is organic anxiety? The w/d kind or the stuff thats our usual state? As I seem to have increasing anxiety these days, it tends to make me think that it could be my own anxiety problem coming unmasked.

Does not explain feeling good in months 2 and 3, but maybe thats cause I wasn't totally "me" yet at that point?

Ugh. Which would mean that this is me. And I am a royal mess these days, like right on the edge or breakdown. I am seriously considering the trial of an SSRI. Anyone with any experience with such- please let me know.

Would like to think its w/d, but I am not showing any signs of progress, just regression.

Still here at work tho!

[[re...]]

Susan

do what you need to do to feel you can cope. I cant take SSRIs but many can and DO feel better for them.

 

I also question why did I feel very little anxiety earlier in my C/T? I had crazy thoughts for sure, really paranoid stuff, but the anxiety would come in waves and leave. I remember telling someone I didnt have anxiety. Now, I feel it all day. I feel brittle and on edge. I watch my every move and thought. I have a low grade feeling of fear/doom. It has gotten worse in the past few weeks as I used to get some relief from it during the day.

 

I still dont believe this is my old stuff though. It is too intense!! Too crazy making.

And I cant believe that one little pill and a few glasses of wine REALLY erased THIS level of craziness if this in my old state. After 19 year I cant imagine that pill was doing all that much. I had hit tolerance a very long time ago. So all I can deduce is this crap I feel now is wd and some of my old stuff. It will settle down as soon as my brain heals. I am not going to worry too much about it.

 

Let us know if you go on an SSRI. I hope it helps if you try one.

[[...]]

i get so frustrated when there are implications it is me; i go thru this in my prayer groups; i have had anx before - and fear - and nothing is like this.  i sure do understand trying to get help where we can ttho.  in a grand slam this week in my 8th month off; so discouraging.  could use support; started a new thread.  darn it all. 

i am looking into support groups; just would love to talk to live people about what this is like.

thanks so much for being there.

wish the dr/dp did not return; crying for no reason; i know we can do this tho. we are doing it.