4-6 month club. How are you doing?

[[no...]]

made it here to work. Unfreakingbelieveable panic on the way, never had it before like this on the drive, which I have made for 7 yrs. BUT I AM HERE.

I really have a great job and don't want to mess it up.

Another conversation this a.m. with my husband telling me theres no way this is w/d, and that we buddies are all just deluding ourselves thinking that we will experience some disappearance of symptoms such as anxiety and panic if we had them going in. But this seems worse to me, and why did I feel fine in November?

The more I try to determine whats what, the more I doubt, but I also know even baseline anxiety is not linear. And maybe if I can hang in there through this, whatever it is thats got me will cycle into a more functioning level. I wanted to give in and turn around today, but there's no serenity at home alone, and not going to think going back on k will work.Have to remember this is early as RFB says. Thank you for your continued support RFB, even when I am dense.

 

[[Sc...]]

Hi Northofhere,

 

You are a trooper...very impressed with your determination getting into work. 

 

As far as your morning chat with your husband...I do agree that I will more than likely have to face anxiety in the future, as I faced it pre-benzos...BUT I know that the anxiety and panic I get since being on Benzos (and coming off of them) is so insanely extreme that I can honestly only say it's "unnatural".  I think our Central Nervous System is so highly sensitive right now and every feeling, physical or mental, is exacerbated while we recover...and until we fully heal.  Will I deal w/ anxiety once I'm healed?  I think so...but it will be a walk in the park compared to what we endure during the healing process. 

 

All the best...man oh man we are being put through the ringer right now...I'm right there with you.

 

Hugs,

Schatje

[[re...]]

made it here to work. Unfreakingbelieveable panic on the way, never had it before like this on the drive, which I have made for 7 yrs. BUT I AM HERE.

I really have a great job and don't want to mess it up.

Another conversation this a.m. with my husband telling me theres no way this is w/d, and that we buddies are all just deluding ourselves thinking that we will experience some disappearance of symptoms such as anxiety and panic if we had them going in. But this seems worse to me, and why did I feel fine in November?

The more I try to determine whats what, the more I doubt, but I also know even baseline anxiety is not linear. And maybe if I can hang in there through this, whatever it is thats got me will cycle into a more functioning level. I wanted to give in and turn around today, but there's no serenity at home alone, and not going to think going back on k will work.Have to remember this is early as RFB says. Thank you for your continued support RFB, even when I am dense.

 

 

Withdrawal takes time. Even Ashton said it takes up to 18 months. Or longer. We have broken CNS. We will be anxious because of that. You are not dense. You are in wd. Keep pushing yourself out the door. Keep engaging in life. Keep telling your negative what if thoughts to take a hike! Look in the mirror every day and tell yourself you love you! The chances of you being born have been calculated at 1 to 400 trillion!! Thats amazing. You are a miracle. And you have something special to give the world. You are worthy of love, peace, health and joy. But it starts inside our hearts and minds. Do your best to be kind and patient with yourself. We are  still early in wd. And wd causes anxiety. Period. You dont have enough GABA receptors working. And who knows what else benzos did to the brain that is healing? Tell your husband to kindly keep his opinions to himself.  Will you be anxious when you are healed? maybe. But my hunch is that all the coping skills you are using now to combat wd will "cure" your anxiety in time.

[[Ma...]]

 

 

Withdrawal takes time. Even Ashton said it takes up to 18 months. Or longer. We have broken CNS. We will be anxious because of that. You are not dense. You are in wd. Keep pushing yourself out the door. Keep engaging in life. Keep telling your negative what if thoughts to take a hike! Look in the mirror every day and tell yourself you love you! The chances of you being born have been calculated at 1 to 400 trillion!! Thats amazing. You are a miracle. And you have something special to give the world. You are worthy of love, peace, health and joy. But it starts inside our hearts and minds. Do your best to be kind and patient with yourself. We are  still early in wd. And wd causes anxiety. Period. You dont have enough GABA receptors working. And who knows what else benzos did to the brain that is healing? Tell your husband to kindly keep his opinions to himself.  Will you be anxious when you are healed? maybe. But my hunch is that all the coping skills you are using now to combat wd will "cure" your anxiety in time.

 

[[no...]]

Have read this post over and over through this workday. Needed it to stay focused. When I look outside it seems strange and scary. I see my parked car and I feel irrational fear. Everything seems weird, and so being here seems far away and vulnerable, kind of like an agoraphobia...but two weeks ago I was just at work being silly and at home here. So, its not unusual for this to happen a few months after being ok?

Oh dear, I hope I do not exhaust my question limit here.

I am still working though. I keep doing the next thing until I stop, feel panic , and move on.

[[ki...]]

 

 

Withdrawal takes time. Even Ashton said it takes up to 18 months. Or longer. We have broken CNS. We will be anxious because of that. You are not dense. You are in wd. Keep pushing yourself out the door. Keep engaging in life. Keep telling your negative what if thoughts to take a hike! Look in the mirror every day and tell yourself you love you! The chances of you being born have been calculated at 1 to 400 trillion!! Thats amazing. You are a miracle. And you have something special to give the world. You are worthy of love, peace, health and joy. But it starts inside our hearts and minds. Do your best to be kind and patient with yourself. We are  still early in wd. And wd causes anxiety. Period. You dont have enough GABA receptors working. And who knows what else benzos did to the brain that is healing? Tell your husband to kindly keep his opinions to himself.  Will you be anxious when you are healed? maybe. But my hunch is that all the coping skills you are using now to combat wd will "cure" your anxiety in time.

Thank you rbf 

[[Sc...]]

Have read this post over and over through this workday. Needed it to stay focused. When I look outside it seems strange and scary. I see my parked car and I feel irrational fear. Everything seems weird, and so being here seems far away and vulnerable, kind of like an agoraphobia...but two weeks ago I was just at work being silly and at home here. So, its not unusual for this to happen a few months after being ok?

Oh dear, I hope I do not exhaust my question limit here.

I am still working though. I keep doing the next thing until I stop, feel panic , and move on.

 

Hi there, Northofhere,

 

Never worry about asking too much...NEVER.  I think we all do the same and we all know how it feels.  I too get overcome with this strange fear.  I look outside and feel scared...of what I don't know!  My husband just keeps telling me to "expect the unexpected".  He's done a lot of reading/research into benzo withdrawal since I began my journey with it...and he keeps saying there's no pattern to it.  Some people feel great and then horrible...then great again, etc.  So just know that what you feel is "normal" by benzo w/d standards. 

 

Hang in there my friend.  I feel the same way many days.  Hugs to you.

 

Schatje

[[no...]]

Thank you Schatje- the end of a tortuous day. On the way home there were glimmers of plans for this semester's work, tiny pieces of excitement about work (I am an artist and do alot of planning and working things out in my head). I'd start to feel it and then whoosh, down comes dread and fear. After dinner I decided to go over to the bookstore close by and get a yoga magazine. I got it and was just browsing around, then whoosh on comes the queer fear low feeling. I sat by the fire reading a yoga practice for emotional balance. I thought, I could try this, and whoosh -fear. I got scared thinking about doing yoga! Whats that anyway. So i sat here trying to soak in warmth from the fire and whoosh, in came trashed out depression. Hugs to you for replying. So I guess its not out of the question to have w.d really hit 4 months out. This level of depression and emotional mess is not my usual self.

[[re...]]

Thank you Schatje- the end of a tortuous day. On the way home there were glimmers of plans for this semester's work, tiny pieces of excitement about work (I am an artist and do alot of planning and working things out in my head). I'd start to feel it and then whoosh, down comes dread and fear. After dinner I decided to go over to the bookstore close by and get a yoga magazine. I got it and was just browsing around, then whoosh on comes the queer fear low feeling. I sat by the fire reading a yoga practice for emotional balance. I thought, I could try this, and whoosh -fear. I got scared thinking about doing yoga! Whats that anyway. So i sat here trying to soak in warmth from the fire and whoosh, in came trashed out depression. Hugs to you for replying. So I guess its not out of the question to have w.d really hit 4 months out. This level of depression and emotional mess is not my usual self.

 

I had this too. Nameless fear and terror that descended from God only knows where. It made no sense. I felt it coming on, it was more than a thought or emotion, it took over all of me. I hated it. I don't get it as intense or as often now at 6 months out. But it still grabs me just to let me know it is not done doing its best to bully me. I act like I dont care and it seems to tire of the game.

 

This is NOT our old selves come back to roost. It is us going through a tough benzo wd.

 

Hope tomorrow you feel better and have less "whooshes" of fear. When they come, please tell yourself it is just wd and it will pass.

[[re...]]

Have read this post over and over through this workday. Needed it to stay focused. When I look outside it seems strange and scary. I see my parked car and I feel irrational fear. Everything seems weird, and so being here seems far away and vulnerable, kind of like an agoraphobia...but two weeks ago I was just at work being silly and at home here. So, its not unusual for this to happen a few months after being ok?

Oh dear, I hope I do not exhaust my question limit here.

I am still working though. I keep doing the next thing until I stop, feel panic , and move on.

 

I had this at 4 months. Some say three to six months is the biggest challenge. Hang in there. It does pass. It gets better for me. Not gone totally but better... and better... .slowly... surely....

 

[[br...]]

Hey all,

 

Today is officially 7 or 8 months for me, depending on how you do the math. (8 months off of regular use, 7 months since last emergency dose.)

 

I'm doing a lot better overall. Still dealing with anxiety, but I had that to start with. I still feel like my mind is doing some healing, though. Most of my physical symptoms are better outside of nausea from time to time. Dealing with some increased anxiety and "creepy" feelings this week, but hanging in there.

 

Glimpses of normalcy keep me going every day. I know it's in my future.  Hope all of you multi-monther's are doing well!

 

 

[[no...]]

A bit better today. Just sat down to write this and the weird feeling of panic coming on out of nowhere started, do you know when you feel a bit odd, and everything seems a little weird and you get a chill of impending something...but I am breathing through it. I have been really trying to challenge every fear thought today. Stayed busy, and its a tiny bit better than yesterday.

I never had this kind of panic stuff before.

 

[[...]]

man u guys are telling my story - thank you. in my 7th month off.  i am much better than i was; i think of those first few months and i can't believe i got thru them.  so nuts.  but now i have this sort of pensive "on the edge" feeling.  just like scared and not sure of what.  i think i have some of my own cognitive work to do around this because a bit of ptsd is involved from the process - like i am sort of afraid of how i feel; tired of having this microscope on me all the time.  how am i doing, what's going on.  i even woke up without morning anx these past couple days.    and i am taking calls from friends more.  man i sure do shut down there - phew.  still not quite right at times for sure but thankful i can now say i am getting better.

thanks for your honesty and thanks for being there.

i never could have made it without this site.

[[Sc...]]

Hi Guys,

 

I have been a bit better this past week, although my sleep is pretty crummy (something that was actually good all along), and now I feel like I'm having lots of IBS-type flare ups.  Lots of gas pain (not necessarily gas though...just the pain), and I also find my "bm's" are looser and more crampy than usual.  Ugh.  I had this a lot during my taper.  My problem, is that when I became tolerant on Benzos, I developed this fear of getting sick (initially it was just being VERY afraid to vomit...then came the fear of diarrhea...then even a simple cold)...and although these fears are getting slowly better, it still remains.  This week I have a bad cold (loads of coughing, fatigue, headaches that came after a sinus cold)...so I'm not sure if my whole body is out of whack?  Or is it just w/d?  The cold was a REAL cold...I know that b/c my daughter and husband have it as well w/ the same symptoms.  But now when my bowels get all messed up I get scared.  I really hate it...I've had IBS for years and was never phased by flare-ups.  It was annoying, but that was all.  Not it scares me and ruins an evening to be honest.  I feel on guard, waiting to see if I'll have to go to the washroom. 

 

Well, that's my big story for today.  Still in the depths of w/d...but continuing to see improvement in areas.  Even w/ feeling crummy, I still managed to go out with my mom for an afternoon of Ikea shopping.  It was fun and it was a good distraction in the end. 

 

Love and hugs,

Schatje

[[br...]]

Schatje,

 

I love Ikea. I just spent 3.5 hours there the other day with my father and my little girl. (Play-room for her, lunch and shopping.)  Glad you got out and enjoyed some time.

 

Nice reading the responses from you guys, even though we're clearly dealing with some BS still. It's just about not being intimidated by these symptoms. I truly think that's the key. It's okay to feel bad and recognize it, but the struggle for all of us is to realize that this is NOT the new you. I swear... fear of the symptoms is 60% of the problem, it's just like regular anxiety. I struggle with the same thing but I'm making progress. Attempting to go on with life normally as much as possible really helps.

 

Question to NorthOfHere and the last few who responded...

 

How much anxiety did you have before quitting.... and how much before ever taking a benzo?

 

Just curious.

 

 

[[re...]]

I was an anxious mess pre benzos. But I had a ton of big time trauma that was never dealt with. I was panicky often.

I am 6 months out and my anxiety comes and goes. I had it really bad today but I had all of my sx revved up since about midnight. Its time like these that I wonder if I will truly heal, then Zoe calls and reassures me it is a long long process but I am getting there. I was a wreck after my cold turkey. I mean a wreck!! So i know I have improved. But I want to feel better. I am tired of this journey. Its been 14 months since I started my (failed) taper. And I was in tolerance for years and didnt know it.

 

My anxiety now is mostly body anxiety. I feel like I am going to burst at the seams I have so much energy in my body. It is painful. I am hopeful this will pass. I do not expect to go back to pre benzo anxiety level. I have worked on my issues. I am hopeful the obsessive thoughts and doom gloom stuff will lift and life will be sweeter by the day. I do have chunks of time when I am happy and not paranoid that something awful is about to happen. I think that feelings comes from wd. I am always watching my body, or my mind, feelings etc. It is exhausting.

 

[[ka...]]

im at 5 1/2 months xanax free!!! im doing good just a little humming or vibraions in my head some tierdness off an on hope i dont get any set back.... im sorry u are having a hard time some one said that they felt much better at 7 months so may b that will b your month for u!!! remember everyone is differance hang in there i was on them for 1year 0.5 mg twice a day

[[Sc...]]

That is awesome Kate7!!!  It is SO great to hear a very positive story like yours.  It gives us all a TON of hope.  I am seeing huge improvement in areas, but thy physical stuff has been very tough this month, and now I am getting hit w/ some insomnia - which never helps.  But I can still see the healing happening, so it will come in due time.

 

All the best and congrats to you!

 

Schatje

[[no...]]

Bryan- I have had general anxiety to some degree forever.  But manageable, with exception of really bad episodes in 2001 and 2008. Both time I ended up going to the dr, and also ended up with klonopin. First time I quit after like 6 months, and do not remember any problems. In 2008 I had an onset of bigtime anxiety that just was so high and steady, panicky...went on klonopin again at a very low dose- .5 at night. It eventually calmed down some, not completely though. So I added cymbalta. Didn't make a noticeable improvement so I end cymbalta, and things seemed pretty decent, so I tapered off the k. Huge onset of anxiety at 3 wks, I was a mess, reinstated. Six months later I taper again, get to 2 months, wham. Just figure I have to take it for life, and reinstate at .25, not much of a dose, but the anxiety went down( because it was working? because it was w/d?) I decided I had to discontinue, was anxious anyway, was always forgetting stuff, wasn't sleeping well. Didn't know if I had tolerance, but seemed like maybe. I tapered this summer, jumped Sept3. My anxiety increased through taper, and after taper the physical stuff hit, months 2 and 3 were hard, but manageable. Month 4 has been unreal with both terror and dread. So, in the end, I would say I saw an increase in anxiety at a few weeks off each time, and this time since I have stayed off, it has just kept increasing, which has me constantly questioning whether its w/d. I must say that while on benzos, my anxiety was not this bad, but I did not want to keep increasing the dose to get it to help.

[[Sc...]]

5.5 months off...bad night tonight.  Bad days every day this week.  Nausea, loss of appetite, anxiety, panic, you name it.  I also have a cold which doesn't help, but I am so worn out.  I even have insomnia...and that wasn't even a big issues during my taper!  I am getting slammed left, right and centre.  So tired out and I cry every day.  I hate to come on here w/out positives...I guess my positive is that I deal w/ it better and still manage to do more now than I did when I tapered.  I keep holding on to that 6 month mark...but I don't want to be let down.

 

 

[[no...]]

Schatje- I know well how hard it is, but I have read so many of your posts, and you have been optimistic before, and will be again, even if right now that seems far away. We are all hanging in there for ourselves, and each other. I am certain that this hell is not permanent for any of us.

Remember what Bliss Johns said- even while we are feeling awful- we are in the healing process. God's grace to your little gaba receptors- ride this wave and keep going.

susan

[[br...]]

Thanks for the update, guys... and I sincerely hope these things improve for you.

 

I'm technically 7 or 8 months out, and I can tell the difference between now and 5-6 months, for sure. I'm better overall, but I also had some nice windows around 6 months, so... I guess we all move at our own pace, and it's never a linear improvement.

 

Schatje, sorry to hear about the bad week.  But, there is a positive... and that's that today was one more day you made it through... and that's one more day farther away from your jump date. Every second that passes works in your favor. Time (passing) is on your side, now.

We in this time-range are all on the verge of real healing, imo. We'll hit it at different times but these are the months were we make

big leaps. You're doing a great job getting through this. Sorry for the symptoms, believe me... I feel your pain and we all do.

 

Hang in there all, we're getting closer each day.

 

 

[[re...]]

Hey gang

I mirror the concerns as to what is wd and what is old stuff. I am battling anxiety big time. Along with the obsessive thoughts. I lay on the couch to use my laptop and my whole body is tense, like I am waiting for something awful to happen. I still watch my every feeling and thought. I am exhausted to be honest. I was having some decent windows for a few hours where I felt better, never 100% but they left. I wake up to burning, tingling, jaw pain, head tingles, fear, anxiety, depression etc. I am SO ready to be healed. I hope that my emotional roller coaster is just wd and that life will sort itself out soon enough. But at 6 months out I am getting concerned that this may be what life is like from here on out. I pray not. I talk to Zoe who reassures me this is just wd and I believe her, but after a day of high anxiety and depression and my obsessive thoughts, it is hard to hold onto hope. Will I really ever feel safe and comfortable again?  I cant remember the last time I felt safe. It feels like something awful is just waiting in the wings for me every day.

 

Sorry to be a downer tonight. I had had some good moments, but they are fading. I ran out of Deplin and that may be contributing as I know I have the MTHFR mutation. I started it back up today.

 

Any one else at 6 months struggling with anxiety/depression? Did you have it pre benzo?

[[Sc...]]

Hey gang

I mirror the concerns as to what is wd and what is old stuff. I am battling anxiety big time. Along with the obsessive thoughts. I lay on the couch to use my laptop and my whole body is tense, like I am waiting for something awful to happen. I still watch my every feeling and thought. I am exhausted to be honest. I was having some decent windows for a few hours where I felt better, never 100% but they left. I wake up to burning, tingling, jaw pain, head tingles, fear, anxiety, depression etc. I am SO ready to be healed. I hope that my emotional roller coaster is just wd and that life will sort itself out soon enough. But at 6 months out I am getting concerned that this may be what life is like from here on out. I pray not. I talk to Zoe who reassures me this is just wd and I believe her, but after a day of high anxiety and depression and my obsessive thoughts, it is hard to hold onto hope. Will I really ever feel safe and comfortable again?  I cant remember the last time I felt safe. It feels like something awful is just waiting in the wings for me every day.

 

Sorry to be a downer tonight. I had had some good moments, but they are fading. I ran out of Deplin and that may be contributing as I know I have the MTHFR mutation. I started it back up today.

 

Any one else at 6 months struggling with anxiety/depression? Did you have it pre benzo?

 

I am so sorry you are feeling this way.  I am 5.5 months out and everything you just wrote could have come out of my mouth tonight.  I too lay on the couch right now w/ the laptop...reading into every sensation in my body...my heart racing and body cold.  Deep down I know we'll pull through, and it could be sooner than later.  But on a night like tonight I feel "hopeless". 

 

Hang in there...I'll hang along with you. 

 

I did battle anxiety before benzos...but it was NOTHING like this.  I also had depression, but it was caused more by the several SSRI's I went on (that made me worse instead of better).  The anxiety these benzos have created with me is ridiculous.  It's the most "unnatural" anxiety - that's the only way to describe it.  I have crazy fears I never had pre-benzos...although some of those fears are slowly fading which is a good sign.

 

I'm right along with you tonight...know you are not alone.  We'll pull through.

 

Big hugs,

Schatje

[[...]]

Um, yeah, 6 months off today and, as you know, right there with you in anxiety hell.  Still.  Ugh.  I hate that this is an anniversary date.  I hoped that 6 months would be the charm.  Not!