4-6 month club. How are you doing?

[[Sc...]]

Really scared...I already wrote a post on here about it.  Major pain in the solar plexus and abdomen.  Shooting nerve pains and it feel like my entire abdomen is contracting.  It's a horrible sensation and it's scaring me big time.  Looks like month 5 is going to challenge me.

 

Hugs,

Schatje

[[Ma...]]

I spent 6 hours in the city today with a friend. Museums and dinner.  I was dragging my fanny a few times but by gum, I did it. I felt anxious a few times but breathed through it. I am most definitely getting better. No way I could have done that at 4 or 5 months when the fear took over my life. I am still anxious on the morning with some dp/dr. I have my usual burning, tingling etc. Today had tooth/jaw pain and realized that had gone away for awhile.

 

My black depression is lifting. I have some joy in life even if it just a few minutes a day. I am more hopeful that I will heal 100%. I say that in a whisper so the beast wont hear me and decide to mess with me.

 

North, hang in there. I PROMISE you will feel better. This is NOT you. ITs you in wd. Poor Zoe had to remind me all the time. And she was right. As my old authentic self peeks through from time to time I am reassured this nightmare will slip into the memory books.

 

I am glad you feel better and have some good time. I hope it will stay like that.

Take care

 

Marry

[[re...]]

Woke up to dizzy, weak, cog fog, dp/dr, anxiety, boaty feeling... yadda yadda yadda... maybe did too much yesterday. Oh well. I AM getting better slowly. I watched old videos I made on my Ipad last April and I could not believe how sick I was then. (I tapered from October to June of last year) It was good to see how much progress I have made, even when I am hit with a wave of old sx like today. 

[[St...]]

Still doing good today with a little tingling and a weird fear chill every now and then for no reason! Hang in there friends. There are good days ahead!

[[el...]]

The not being able to sleep hit me real bad at 4 months out...It lasted for about 5 weeks...I stayed awake 27-32 hrs at a time.Then could only sleep for 15mins at a time,off and on for 3hrs....I was wide awake.But could not get out of bed..I was 23 weeks free on monday.I do feel a big improvement the past few days.Keeping my fingers crossed.

[[Al...]]

RFB, it's encouraging to read that you were out and about. You tapered and I c/t'd. My sx's are pretty bad. I get so discouraged when I see that those who have tapered are having difficulty, it makes me think I will never get a break.

I am unable to speak coherantly in the mornings since the cold turkey (which I haven't found happens daily for this long in anyone else?) and have a lot of weakness yet am panicked  beyond words. I am entering month 5. I was really confused a few days ago and it made me think I am getting worse. Burning in my muscles and skin for the last few months. Benzo belly. I continue to force feed myself. I am getting some broken sleep (I'll take anything) and wide awake with sx's at 4-7am. I so desparastely need a break and reassurance that I will survive this.

 

On a much brighter note...I was calling..ok, screaming out to God today for relief of sx's and someone to talk to as I am in this alone and within 15-20mins the pastor from my church (that I have been unable to attend for over a year now) showed up at my door!!!

[[JA...]]

RFB, it's encouraging to read that you were out and about. You tapered and I c/t'd. My sx's are pretty bad. I get so discouraged when I see that those who have tapered are having difficulty, it makes me think I will never get a break.

I am unable to speak coherantly in the mornings since the cold turkey (which I haven't found happens daily for this long in anyone else?) and have a lot of weakness yet am panicked  beyond words. I am entering month 5. I was really confused a few days ago and it made me think I am getting worse. Burning in my muscles and skin for the last few months. Benzo belly. I continue to force feed myself. I am getting some broken sleep (I'll take anything) and wide awake with sx's at 4-7am. I so desperately need a break and reassurance that I will survive this.

 

On a much brighter note...I was calling..ok, screaming out to God today for relief of sx's and someone to talk to as I am in this alone and within 15-20mins the pastor from my church (that I have been unable to attend for over a year now) showed up at my door!!!

 

Oh Alexa,

 

I would say that surely is taken as a sign with your pastor showing up. I was also screaming up in to the air today begging God for healing.  I am just shortly ahead of you, I am 17 weeks and 2 days I believe. I also c/t and had felt it was the cause of this bad time, but I see that even people that tapered are having a hard time at the 4 - 6 month period. I don't know if there is any winning either way.

I was having good days  and windows up til just past  few weeks. Now I just can't seem to get out of this bad time. I remember when I was 3 months being afraid of the 4 mo time due to seeing so many hit bad symptoms at it. I just couldn't believe I would for I was doing so good.

My counselor just finished reading the Ashton Manual and reassured me I don't know how many times today that I will heal from this. I haven't been so afraid of not til lately. I guess it is where I haven't seen any good days or windows for a while that has me doubting.

I haven't been to church in a year now. I so miss attending especially around the holidays hearing the music. I was really sick prior to c/t for almost 8 months and wasn't able to attend.

Hope you get some relief soon,

JAF

[[Un...]]

Hey guys.  Just got to my 5 months.  I have been looking forward to it.  Things have really improved over time.  My tinitus is pretty much gone.  I don't really have bad muscle twitching or tingles anymore.  My headaches are gone most of the time but will hit a couple of times a day for minutes.  Strange.  I do still get the "out of it" and "dreamy" feelings as before.  Those have not faded yet.  But overall I am feeling like I might be at close to 90% healed now.  Everyday seems to bring better times.  I still don't drink alcohol or caffeine.  I doubt I will ever drink caffeine again in my life.  I hope alcohol can be introduced again.  I will attempt to do it little by little as I fear those killer headaches it has given my during the beginning of withdrawal (before I knew what was going on).  Hang in there everyone.  There seems to be a dim light at the end of the benzo hell tunnel.  I see it getting brighter!!!  You can do it! 

 

Oh before I forget.  I still take my daily Magnesium and have also started to have one tablet of Air Borne for vitamins during this cold season.  Trying to keep the cold away as I fear getting sick.  I have also started to drink Sleepy Time Extra tea.  This stuff is AMAZING for me!  It calms my nerves at night and lets me fall asleep really fast.  Not just that.  It also keeps me sleeping!!!  It has really helped me insomnia problems to the point of taking the issues away!  I can't recommend this to everyone since it may rev up your symptoms, but give it a try if you have sleeping problems.  Maybe you can tolerate it like me and sleep well again!  Good luck!

[[Ly...]]

Great idea for this post RFB!

 

Tomorrow will be 4 months Benzo Free for me!  I had a wave at the beginning of my 3rd month off, but am doing sooo much better now!  The mental stuff is completely gone for me now. That is such a great feeling.... I am starting to feel like "me" again, finally! I am going out doing things and enjoying my life again.... The only thing I have left is some muscle pain/twitches and some low back pain... However, neither of those two things are nearly as bad as they have been, so I am so thankful for that.... The low back pain is probably partially from the two recent surgeries that I have had to undergo.....I truly believe that "time" is what heals and everyone DOES heal!!

 

Lynn

[[Mi...]]

January 7 will be 5 months for me, and when thinking back to the first 1-3 months, I realize just how much I've improved.  I no longer awake with morning anxiety and have a dreadful feeling like in the movie "Groundhog Day" where I feel like I can't possibly do it all again.  It was like a nightmare I could not awaken from, and I was consumed with the thought that it would never ever change.  I would wake up and have pounding negative thoughts running through my mind and just feel beaten down and hopeless before my day even began.

 

I no longer have the moments of extreme fear, restlessness, sweating, and rapid heart beat with occasional chest pains.  I also no longer suffer from the constant body "buzzing' that I had since the first month.  I tried to explain this vibrating feeling to a doctor, and he had never heard of it.  In fact he had never heard of any of my symptoms, which only added fuel to my thoughts that I was going mad.  Dropping him and joining this board was the best thing I ever did!!

 

My social anxiety is also slowly improving.  I find myself a lot less analytical about every word and gesture that I make, and more relaxed and actually interested in people again.  I also no longer race home from work, change into my sweatpants and dive into bed anymore.  Overall I feel like I'm slowly but surely returning back to the person I really am.  I still have occasional bouts of fear, anxiety and a feeling like I'll never be the same again, but they are farther and fewer in between and don't last as long as they used to.  Now that I'm certain it's just w/d rearing it's ugly head, I can deal with it a lot better.

[[...]]

mimi - i relate to so much of what u wrote.  i think back of those first couple months and i am so thankful i made it thru them

 

i made a list of what is better:  i no longer have a constant bladeer infection feeling, no longer wake up with immediate everything going thru me in the bathroom, no more insomnia - every now and then but it's usually me getting myself worked up over something, no more fear i am dying, no more extreme acute weirdness (dr/dp) very rare dental pain now, no more pins and needles, no more fear of my next thought, no more fear of doing things, now i am handling more business related things, no more chills, no more death idealization; afraid my dogs would die or something, no more hallucinations and dizziness - just a little in the morning

phew....

that made me realize how much better i am doing

thanks for being there everyone

[[Mi...]]

Pan, your post reminded me that I was also consumed with thoughts of death and dying in the first few months.  I couldn't watch tv shows or movies that had anything to do with death, so I basically watched the same comedy DVD's over and over again.  I'm so happy you are finally feeling better too!! 

[[...]]

hanks mimi

you know what - i went to see that movie rise of the planet of the apes early on and it made me insane.  i felt like leaving.  it was too much for me.  the apes had it real bad for most of the movie and i had like a panic attack; went to the restroom for the longest.

phew. you reminded me.

thanks for being there sweetheart

[[re...]]

I am out the door to paint my office but wanted to say good morning. Sounds like we are all healing. Some slowly, but still healing. I am still having morning anxiety, a buzzing body, muscle twitching, bone pain, cog fog, dp/dr, weakness, burning skin etc.... I have a lot of both mental and body sx but after 19 years and a botched taper and then a cold turkey I cant really expect to be healed in 6 months, as much as I wish I was.

 

I am hopeful though that one day all of my sx will be a thing of the past. I cling to Zoe's words of wisdom as she and I jumped from about the same dose in a benzo and we both suffered as we tried to taper. She promises me it ALL goes away.  I trust that.

 

I hope everyone has a great day as we head down the end of the year. Here's to complete healing in 2012. Here's to all of us falling madly in love with ourselves and becoming our very best friends. Only then will be ever be truly free from anxiety and depression. IMHO.

[[Sc...]]

I'll make a list of all my side effects from my taper and rate them from 0-3.  0 being "gone" and 3 being "100%  still present". 

 

Nausea  2-3

Anxiety  1-2  (some days I can even say "0")

Panic Attacks  2  (this was down to 1...really this week it's at a 3, but it will go)

Bladder infection sensation  1

Gagging sensation  3

Muscle pain in legs  1

Arthritic pain in arms/hands  2

Chills  2

Sweats  1

Headaches  1

Diarrhea  1

IBS Flare Ups  2

Bloating  1

Gas Pain  2

Dizziness  1

Intrusive thoughts 1

Self harm  0 (within 2-3 weeks Benzo Free, this was long gone...incredible)

Metallic taste  0

Thick Saliva/extra saliva  1

Tinnitus  0

Depression  1 (only once in awhile do I feel this)

Lack of motivation  0

Pressure behind eyes  0

Lump in throat  3

Nerve pain in abdomen  2

Nerve pain in back  1-2

Lower back pain  0-1  (this was a BAD s/x for along time...and it's going!)

 

Whew!  I think that's the final list.  lol  It's great to do this...b/c right now I'm in such a wave, but clearly I AM getting better when I see all those 0's and 1's. 

 

Love and hugs,

Schatje

 

[[JA...]]

I'll make a list of all my side effects from my taper and rate them from 0-3.  0 being "gone" and 3 being "100%  still present". 

 

Nausea  2-3

Anxiety  1-2  (some days I can even say "0")

Panic Attacks  2  (this was down to 1...really this week it's at a 3, but it will go)

Bladder infection sensation  1

Gagging sensation  3

Muscle pain in legs  1

Arthritic pain in arms/hands  2

Chills  2

Sweats  1

Headaches  1

Diarrhea  1

IBS Flare Ups  2

Bloating  1

Gas Pain  2

Dizziness  1

Intrusive thoughts 1

Self harm  0 (within 2-3 weeks Benzo Free, this was long gone...incredible)

Metallic taste  0

Thick Saliva/extra saliva  1

Tinnitus  0

Depression  1 (only once in awhile do I feel this)

Lack of motivation  0

Pressure behind eyes  0

Lump in throat  3

Nerve pain in abdomen  2

Nerve pain in back  1-2

Lower back pain  0-1  (this was a BAD s/x for along time...and it's going!)

 

Whew!  I think that's the final list.  lol  It's great to do this...b/c right now I'm in such a wave, but clearly I AM getting better when I see all those 0's and 1's. 

 

Love and hugs,

Schatje

 

Schatje,

This is wonderful!!! What a way to end this hard year!!

I hope you are able to continue this wonderful journey to more 0s shortly in to 2012.

You give me hope, each time I read where someone is doing good I have hope for myself.

Happy New Year,

JAF 

[[Sc...]]

JAF45...you are welcome!

 

I'm hit very hard this week w/ a load of s/x...but doing this list really helped me.  It's so easy to get stuck in a rut and not see the positives.  Making this list really showed me that I AM healing.  It helped me as well!!! 

 

All the best to you...we really do get better...it just takes time for some of us.  If only we could just snap our fingers...

 

Hugs,

Schatje

[[no...]]

Looking at Schatje's list- I am having a hard time remembering how it was after the jump. Its been so up and down for so long, but I know that the physical problems have really gone away for the most part. Still alot of muscle tension, but I am such a high strung person, those may be with me for good. Thats ok, as long as this crazy fear of everything goes away, and the nonstop obsessing takes a back seat.

Did any of you have anxiety/fear or panic before taking benzos- and how do you handle that after w/d? I came into this with a generalized anxiety issue, so know that even after whatever w/d I have is gone, there will be that. Just wondering about others who may have that issue. Recovering- I have been lifted so many times by your support, and can really see a great difference in your posts these days. What color are you painting your new office digs?

pan- The first time I tried jumping, I went to see Toy Story 3. You would have thought I was at Silence of the Lambs- I was freaked out, hid behind my husband's arm and peeked out every now and then. I'd like to say it seems funny now, but it totally overstimulated every fiber, and I would never have imagined.

I am four months this weekend, and this last week has been the hardest so far, harder than I ever would have imagined it could be. There were similarities to the issues I started taking the benzos for, and I really began to doubt whether or not I was still in w/d, but today has been some better. I had a few moments of feeling ok, myself...and it was glorious.

Happy 2012. a year of healing for all I hope. Susan

 

[[re...]]

Looking at Schatje's list- I am having a hard time remembering how it was after the jump. Its been so up and down for so long, but I know that the physical problems have really gone away for the most part. Still alot of muscle tension, but I am such a high strung person, those may be with me for good. Thats ok, as long as this crazy fear of everything goes away, and the nonstop obsessing takes a back seat.

Did any of you have anxiety/fear or panic before taking benzos- and how do you handle that after w/d? I came into this with a generalized anxiety issue, so know that even after whatever w/d I have is gone, there will be that. Just wondering about others who may have that issue. Recovering- I have been lifted so many times by your support, and can really see a great difference in your posts these days. What color are you painting your new office digs?

pan- The first time I tried jumping, I went to see Toy Story 3. You would have thought I was at Silence of the Lambs- I was freaked out, hid behind my husband's arm and peeked out every now and then. I'd like to say it seems funny now, but it totally overstimulated every fiber, and I would never have imagined.

I am four months this weekend, and this last week has been the hardest so far, harder than I ever would have imagined it could be. There were similarities to the issues I started taking the benzos for, and I really began to doubt whether or not I was still in w/d, but today has been some better. I had a few moments of feeling ok, myself...and it was glorious.

Happy 2012. a year of healing for all I hope. Susan

 

Susan

I went on klon almost 20 years ago for a nasty nasty anxiety disorder and panic. I would have 8 panic attacks a day sometimes. I was a mess. I am still quite anxious in wd as my body is super tense and I am in pain (muscle, bone) and I "what if"  A LOT (can I really take care of myself, will I be able to work, will I EVER heal, etc etc etc) and I obsess over dying and how scared I will be. ( I have a lot of trauma in my past so have felt like I was close to checking out a few times) Basically I am a shell of a person compared to who I was when I started this journey, even in tolerance. BUT, and it is a BIG But, I am NOT going to let a stupid green pill OR my old anxiety win. It is just that simple. I can retrain my brain to be more calm. I can self talk and self soothe instead of listing to my fearful thoughts and letting them run (ruin) my life. I figure by the time I am healed from wd, I will have acquired some amazing coping tools, tools I didnt have 20 years ago. So even though you HAD GAD, doesnt mean that when you are done that it will come back. I too thought I was heading back to my old ways earlier in my wd, but I look back and know it was ALL wd. Even if SOME of my sx are my "old" stuff, they are my old stuff to the 100000 power of wd.

 

I can look back and see that I am healing slowly. I am just impatient, I want to wake up and feel fabulous! I am in a wave of burning skin, tingles, cog fog, jaw pain and a long list of sx that had gone away a few weeks ago. It is frustrating how they cycle back in. I  cant help but wonder what in the world is going on in the body to produce such strange sensations. It is amazing.

 

I painted my office and bought furniture. I feel I am making big progress. I  am SO excited to hopefully go back to work part time. I have missed my career very much. Heck, I have missed my whole LIFE very much.

 

Hang in there Susan. You will heal more as the months go past. I truly doubt you will as plagued with your old anxiety as you may fear.

 

Let's keep comparing notes as to how we all feel over the coming months. I cant wait for one of us in the 4-6 month boat to write a true success story of total healing.

[[2w...]]

The beginning of this week was very overwhelming mentally. I too have a lot of fatigue, but I seem to be able to handle that

better than the wave of emotions that come over me. I ordered a book about dbt and I'm working on how to regulate my

emotions better. I know that if I don't learn how to cope w/out the benzos, this process could go on a long, long time.

 

I've also realized this week how many of my relationships are very toxic. Now that I'm clean of benzos, effexor xr and so many

other rx meds, I found that most people either use pills, alcohol or pot to deal w/ their stress/pain/trauma or just life in general.

I pray that I will never have to use anything to cope again, but I'm finding it hard to be around family/friends who use these

drugs. Their personalities change so drastically and I think I was able to block it out w/ benzos, but not now. I'm planning on

going to al-anon when I'm ready for support. I hope it is the support I need. Not sure when I will feel ready to go.

 

W/d Symptoms this week:

Back pain

Morning headaches

High blood pressure

Restless legs

Achy arms

Moodiness

emotional instability

Anger

Resurfacing of old emotions (possible ptsd)

Having to look at bad behaviors/reactions while on benzos

 

Hope everyone has a healthy and peaceful New Year!

 

 

[[no...]]

Hello my dear 4-6ers. I need to post that yesterday I felt pretty darn good. I woke up in my usual state, went to the gym with my husband, which is a good distance away and also at the university where I work. Had fear, thoughts of how will I ever get myself back here solo without him next week....yada yada. Decided what the heck and got on the track and ran. Anxiety can fuel some pretty good running I found. Felt a bit better. Went home and was outdoors the afternoon, and at some point noticed my mind was quieter, and I felt energy. It lasted til this morning. woke up feeling some better, then a couple hours later- panic again.

But I wanted to post the mini-window, in case I forget.

I think when I get in a better space and feel in a window, I almost make the fear come back just obsessing about it. has anyone ever felt that?

RFB- what color? I lOVE furniture. What is your profession? I think maybe once you start throwing yourself into this routine, you will find yourself feeling even better. Its almost like feigning normalcy brings with it normalcy.

Happy new us! -S

[[2w...]]

I have the opposite northofhere. When I have a window, I feel like this long hideous journey is over and then

when I'm hit with the w/d symptoms I feel so surprised because their back. I guess I have a short memory.....ha, ha.

 

Happy New us !.........I like that.

[[re...]]

I have the opposite northofhere. When I have a window, I feel like this long hideous journey is over and then

when I'm hit with the w/d symptoms I feel so surprised because their back. I guess I have a short memory.....ha, ha.

 

Happy New us !.........I like that.

 

Happy New Us  indeed!  We are all doing such good work to be benzo free and to claim our brains and our lives. I am proud of all of us.

This is no easy journey. But, one stubborn foot in front of the other.

[[pi...]]

The beginning of this week was very overwhelming mentally. I too have a lot of fatigue, but I seem to be able to handle that

better than the wave of emotions that come over me. I ordered a book about dbt and I'm working on how to regulate my

emotions better. I know that if I don't learn how to cope w/out the benzos, this process could go on a long, long time.

 

I've also realized this week how many of my relationships are very toxic. Now that I'm clean of benzos, effexor xr and so many

other rx meds, I found that most people either use pills, alcohol or pot to deal w/ their stress/pain/trauma or just life in general.

I pray that I will never have to use anything to cope again, but I'm finding it hard to be around family/friends who use these

drugs. Their personalities change so drastically and I think I was able to block it out w/ benzos, but not now. I'm planning on

going to al-anon when I'm ready for support. I hope it is the support I need. Not sure when I will feel ready to go.

 

W/d Symptoms this week:

Back pain

Morning headaches

High blood pressure

Restless legs

Achy arms

Moodiness

emotional instability

Anger

Resurfacing of old emotions (possible ptsd)

Having to look at bad behaviors/reactions while on benzos

 

Hope everyone has a healthy and peaceful New Year!

 

Hi Lou,

 

I'm sorry this has been a kind of emotional rollercoaster week for you.  I think you are doing just the right thing to find ways to deal with stresses that don't involve meds.  After all there will always be stresses in life.  Its funny how we can see people deal with things through drugs much easier now that we are looking through med free eyes.

 

We had a rough night last night. We almost lost our daughter in law during the c-section to deliver our first granddaughter.  She started to hemorrage and they tried many things to stop it and even transfused 4 pints of blood.  They finally had to do an emergency hysterectomy.  The baby is fine.  It was touch and go overnight but our daughter in law is fine today.  It was so hard to help our son out, he was so distraught, because they live on the east coast.  I thank God that both of them will be fine.

 

I ended up sick this week.  I tend to lump all symptoms into wd and have had an earache for weeks it seems. I finally went to the doctor and had an ear infection and sinus infection.  I slept a bunch for the last 2 days and finally feel better, I think some of my aches and pains were due to the infection.

 

I am ready to leave 2011 behind for sure and move closer to healing every day in the new year.  I wish that for you as well.

 

 

Love and Hugs,

 

pianogirl

 

[move]Have a Peaceful and Healing New Year!![/move]

[[re...]]

The beginning of this week was very overwhelming mentally. I too have a lot of fatigue, but I seem to be able to handle that

better than the wave of emotions that come over me. I ordered a book about dbt and I'm working on how to regulate my

emotions better. I know that if I don't learn how to cope w/out the benzos, this process could go on a long, long time.

 

I've also realized this week how many of my relationships are very toxic. Now that I'm clean of benzos, effexor xr and so many

other rx meds, I found that most people either use pills, alcohol or pot to deal w/ their stress/pain/trauma or just life in general.

I pray that I will never have to use anything to cope again, but I'm finding it hard to be around family/friends who use these

drugs. Their personalities change so drastically and I think I was able to block it out w/ benzos, but not now. I'm planning on

going to al-anon when I'm ready for support. I hope it is the support I need. Not sure when I will feel ready to go.

 

W/d Symptoms this week:

Back pain

Morning headaches

High blood pressure

Restless legs

Achy arms

Moodiness

emotional instability

Anger

Resurfacing of old emotions (possible ptsd)

Having to look at bad behaviors/reactions while on benzos

 

Hope everyone has a healthy and peaceful New Year!

 

Hi Lou,

 

I'm sorry this has been a kind of emotional rollercoaster week for you.  I think you are doing just the right thing to find ways to deal with stresses that don't involve meds.  After all there will always be stresses in life.  Its funny how we can see people deal with things through drugs much easier now that we are looking through med free eyes.

 

We had a rough night last night. We almost lost our daughter in law during the c-section to deliver our first granddaughter.  She started to hemorrage and they tried many things to stop it and even transfused 4 pints of blood.  They finally had to do an emergency hysterectomy.  The baby is fine.  It was touch and go overnight but our daughter in law is fine today.  It was so hard to help our son out, he was so distraught, because they live on the east coast.  I thank God that both of them will be fine.

 

I ended up sick this week.  I tend to lump all symptoms into wd and have had an earache for weeks it seems. I finally went to the doctor and had an ear infection and sinus infection.  I slept a bunch for the last 2 days and finally feel better, I think some of my aches and pains were due to the infection.

 

I am ready to leave 2011 behind for sure and move closer to healing every day in the new year.  I wish that for you as well.

 

 

Love and Hugs,

 

pianogirl

 

[move]Have a Peaceful and Healing New Year!![/move]

 

Thoughts and prayers with you and your family. Thank you for sharing this with us. I don't know what to say, as words seem to fall short at times like these. You are in my heart.